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Hmmmm. So much NOT going on. But that is always a good thing. I am old enough to know that whatever I am not missing, I do not need to miss. The Towers checks up on me every week now. It is a bit annoying because to me he is doing this purely because he is idle. I would much prefer he come clean and say whatever he needs to say, but I am afraid that he is clueless....and the last time I dealt with a man being that clueless, I knew that my relationship was in deep trouble. What annoys me most though is that it still gets a reaction out of me, and that nibbling trifle is very off putting. Why is it still hanging around? Did I think that we might have had something for a moment there? Perhaps..but what gets me is that I gave it a chance at all! I am kind of mad at myself still for giving him so much of my time, energy, affection etc. He appeared one way and now seems like a complete douche! I know that it is better to know this now than later, but it still irks me. I suppose that the feeling will run it's course and eventually fall away of it's own weight. The other weighed down feeling comes from my ex and the crap I got involved in. I would never have pit myself into such a situation other than him. I trusted him. But then, if I really follow the thread of this, he was really, really very conflicted and I cannot help him. He has to confront himself. He has told so many, many, many lies about his feelings, needs and wants...even about his abilities in his career...he has spent a great deal of time molding himself to fit an image that he does not even know that he is in an abusive relationship. So, again, it is best that I was able to step back completely as I have done. Then lastly, I have comment terms with these dead limbs, the last being frequent flyer, who continues to seek out my friendship. I do however have it under control. I do not encourage too much time, and I stick to the issue at hand. What all of this now means to me, is lots of free emotional time to say to myself, get your house in order. The right person is coming, and the baggage that I was holding on to, must really be swept away for good.

The vacuum

From time to time I think that it takes me too long to learn. But the question may be, too long to learn what? For when something is known that helps change how you handle information, it never seems too late. I have been readi g a great deal about the mind and particularly the ego. It has been an unexpected comfort, as much of human behavior from what I am gathering...nature, nurture... Ways we all choose to respond to life in accordance with indoctrination of some kind, helps me to see that much of our patterns are predictable. This fact makes thinking a fraction differently very freeing. Over the last few years I have kept a flame burning for my ex husband. I have also kept it flickering for my other ex, and for frequent flyer. I have had these people all in hand, juggling the possibilities that one might pan out and proofs to be the one for me. Then came The Towers and somehow, I realized that I had created a vacuum in my life, not going forward, not really committing. Not doing much of anything. My life was reading that way all around. I had to do something. At the very least, I had to acknowledge that I was going nowhere but getting traction from it. Then the most amazing thing happened, all that I was holding onto, just fell away. I let go. It even felt like a relief. I was being held together by a series of constructs that no longer served me. Now, I am looking anew from a place with my mind and heart open.

Focus is everything, it can pull you toward or away from whatever it is that you feel you must be doing at a given time. I have seen over the years how a simple adjustment in my vision can help or hinder me in. My desire to do something. Of late I have been more and more mindful of solving the way I achieve things in my life. I have been like most people who set out to follow a known and hidden sense of what life should be about. Before you know it you have spent years living a certain way, fitting into a system that seems to work. It gets you on a treadmill that you feel relatively comfortable in because everyone else is doing it in various degrees. So, now what? You want to rock the boat, you want to be a different sort of money maker, parent, lover, woman, whatever... How to do it in this construct? Is it too late? So much time has already been spent? So much...

Bemusement

Today I was giving much thought to my year. I have spent what to me are some rough times emotionally, going over and over some rocky ground that left me feeling so much disappointment. Who wants to feel that way? The irony is also that I have a friend who has gone through something along the lines of one of my experiences, and she has leaned on me tremendously over the last few months, laying all of her emotions on the line, over and over again I have reassured her of her power, her value, her strengths, and that she deserves so much better for herself. This led me to ask, why are we programmed the way that we are sometimes? Why do we put into our minds at a certain age that this man that is smiling with us, engaging us, looking at us like a meal on legs is THE ONE?! It is almost laughable when you think about it.
I have always felt that men get too much credit, and actually, the whole love thing isn't about them at all. Do not make yourself a prize for a man. Develop yourself because you deserve to nurture a secure, strong, beautiful self. So that when you meet a man, he should want to naturally strive to be your complement...as a dear friend of mine says "anything less would be uncivilized."
Also, I see the poor me archetype rearing it's nasty little head at me. Here is vintage poor me, why did this have to happen to me? I could do that, or I can pick myself up and say, ok, I made mistakes, I wanted and hoped that the fairytale could come true...but I was off the mark, but you know what, I shall pick myself up, keep believing in myself, nurturing myself, being my cheering squad, loving myself and moving right on. Now that makes sense.

What a dichotomy,it threw me for a loop for some time. But now I can write about it in the fullness of time. I had thought that I had met someone who might become something special, but little nudges kept cropping up that suggested that things were not right. What was interesting was that in every way, The Towers looked ideal for me. But the little things were the issues that kept cropping up. They kept nagging at me. So you can imagine, several weeks ago, he had sent me a note wanting to see me, and I never got it, instead I got a message from him the next day, less happy about what he wanted to experience. Naturally I did not know about the why, so I got a big lecture about his wanting to have more of my attention. I found the whole reveal surprising,but I took it as an opportunity to see how well we communicated, particularly if we were disagreeing about something. I actually took the time and proceeded to take a whole day out of my schedule and spent it with him. The next week,it seemed like the understanding was forgotten, and yet again, i felt like, straight questions met no sensible answers, and worst of all, I could fell easily that he just was not on the same wavelength with me. To me, it is normal to get an answer to a question, unless it is deeply personal or you don't know what to say...also, for someone who had spent so much time talking with me, seeming to be making overtures towards me, it all felt like so much work. There was an inking of passive/ aggressiveness, and it was not like I was expecting perfection, but equally, I certainly was not expecting that every time I felt that we were getting somewhere, I had to start again with simple things. I just had to let it go. I suggested friendship, but he told me that that would be too challenging. WTF! Then ok, we had two projects to do, we could just be colleagues. He agreed and then blew me off for our first meeting. It was then that I threw up my hands and called it a day. It baffled me, why pursue me so long, only to send mixed signals when we finally interacted? I may never know. What I do know, is that this is the best decision for me.

Is iit possible...

The kind of issues that I come across sometimes, I know that whatever I experience, I am not the first or the last. Yet sometimes, saying that does not matter. I established awhile back that three people kept engaging me. How big is my damn ego really? I thought that I was dealing with it, but it seemed to have metastercised. Is it possible (yes it is) to have a great deal of love for more than one person? I read recently that it is not possible, that somewhere, you are in one stage of love with one, perhaps agape...meanwhile in another with the other person.
I say, ok, that's one view, and I am not saying that I expect some sort of miraculous situation to fix itself because of this conundrum. It just is what it is at this time. It is a sum of many years, of standing guard with emotions that have been mutually felt. In some ways, it is beautiful, and I would say, ultimately, beautiful. But I also say, it is sad, heart wrenching, and not at all planned.
It is contradictory at best. But it is a blessing to know that you cannot die from so much love....so much love inside and around you.
So one turned into a hopeless disaster.
One, completely untouchable, and one actuality.

What!

My year seems to be teaching me some challenging things, and I am doing my best to be in a state of grace throughout because I suspect that my lesson is to maintain focus no matter what. I have been out of sorts Lately,feeling as though to much is coming my way. But I instantly think on frequent flyer, who was very down himself the other day and I sent him some uplifting information that really rejuvenated him, and today he sent me some wonderful news. A complete contrast to that day. I have let quite a bit of life knock me about. But as I adjust my vision, I see that there is much that still assists me in being who I am, and I meet myself as friend. I see myself as a fixer. I like solving problems. I appreciate looking at que's. I like to listen and feel out something. I enjoy looking at nature in every form. Walking brings me peace. I talk with people a lot, but I really try not to act like a know it all, but I can find myself holding forth sometimes. I like to challenge old ways of thinking, love reading and learning stuff. I love to find new things. Travel broadens my perspective. I am more optimistic than not.I can over think things at times. I am not quick to anger,and I try to give my anxieties, fear or discomforts observation enough to petter out, I feel very let down with myself when in the rare moments I have acted emotionally. This may mean that I like control, and in some ways, I do like to feel that there is order in my life. Success means less to me about people who have objects than it does about people who are living their lives in ways that show that they are content with themselves. I have seen both rich and poor with that facility to love what they have. I like to be around others who have developed themselves in a way where they have a rich amalgam of experiences. They have not only seen a great deal, but are curious about the future, very much in the world. I continue to like my own company. I am rarely bored. I am always thinking about possibilities. My child fills me with wonder. I am honored to be able to watch and mold her, while being fully aware that she is her own person. She is my child, but not my possession. I must hold her close when she needs it, but I must also let her go. I have lost at love and been challenged by it. It has confused me, made me act quite counter to some very longstanding beliefs, and I cannot look at it quite the same again. I now see it as punctuation to a larger whole. I do not know how else to put it. I am aware of the programming we are given in our world about what we should be doing and when, This is all well and good, but we also are much bigger than this construct.we choose these experiences and we can always do better, be stronger. I care about doing my best to be fair to others. I watch my words and my actions. I am sometimes spontaneous. Aim sometimes contradictory. I face doubt and fear and do what I can to transcend it. When you become my friend I treat it with care, perhaps more care than I have ever taken a romantic relationship. I have big goals for my work and my legacy. I spend too mcu time on things that keep me from taking more care of myself and I am doing something about it now. This is all I shall write tonight. I may continue this again at some point.