indeed grateful

Leave it all behind. Focus on what I am to build. Forget that noise. Be too busy being and doing what it is I want to do to be great for myself and my child. Have fun. See everything as a benefit to me. I even said to myself that, in an alternate universe, my "Y' and I are blissfully happy and in another, we never met. The multiverse is such a beautiful, convenient thing. It would be very satisfying for it to be the true theory of everything. It would mean that there is actually no reason to regret, because somewhere else in the space time continuum, I have achieved , surpassed and never experienced what i am facing in this life. That knowledge gets all of us if you think about it, off the hook where carrying around guilt, shame, anxiety, sadness etc can be a constant. It puts a perspective on things that without it, makes everything we presently do in this life...life. It says that death is transitory. Whatever I am holding to strongly in this world is fleeting and time is a construct and not linear at all. Life is a mindfuck, so stop filling your head with tidbits, don't make life a fast food meal. Savor it instead.

very grateful

This evening my "Y" husband was supposed to drop our child to me. I was out, but wrote him to suggest that as I was quite close to where he lives, he could pick me up and we proceed to my house. He writes me back and says that I don't seem to understand how much he dislikes being in my presence, so no, he won't pick me up and he's changing everything around to another day. This man has said and done so many ridiculous things, but this one is really a head scratcher. Also tonight, I dealt with another person behaving really foolish around me. But this time, I know that neither issue is about me, although I am observing them. What I did tonight was weigh the situation for once. I could step all the way back, and all the way out of the frame. I asked myself, as I have only ever really looked at it for other people or in movies and literature...I can change my vibration. I don't have to settle for this. this experience and follow up that can go on, as it has gone on for years and years. I don't have to accept this life as I am believing it is today. I am absolutely free to make of my life what I damn well deserve. Something about his absurd behavior helped with this positioning, because at first I searched to find whether I felt a twinge of hurt. Then, I asked myself, why should I feel that way? After the hypothetical question that I out to myself yesterday...the answer was that somehow, I hold him in some regard. How could I do such a think to someone who is so reprehensible? It made it easier to see it for what it was. What I wrote yesterday really helped considerably. Holding someone who treats you badly in a lofty place is to miss yourself. Why did I have that sad inkling to want to give him any regard at all? As he refuses to give any to me? Was I really that badly off in my thinking? No. I was not. I could work my way through the momentary stall, and I did. As I called out to my higher self, I very effortlessly saw the illusion for what it was. His being a bully, I was caving in through fear...I don't want to be disliked...the other person I mentioned from tonight helped me reach this conclusion. My "Y" and the person whom I shall call 'the Architect," because they played this hand on this night, I was able to stand on my own two feet and rebuke the nonsense that in another time would have made me feel that something was wrong with me, and I had to work out why I was drawing such people to me. My perspective now, as I contemplated what happened, is that I don't have to stand for it. My higher self is literally shedding the skin or limitation here. I don't have to settle. I don't have to write things like my "Y" represented the most important emotional relationship to me...and believe that that means that I cannot move on, or cannot find someone that will make my hesitation to move on from him look like the most absurd decision I have ever made! I am not stuck, he is. I have no reason to tell him the things he lets trip from his tongue. My only concern is that our child has chosen to come into this when I felt that I knew a better man the one I now deal with. He is not going to get my energy. he's not going to little me down to being bitter or lose focus. His is a tired, pathetic game. No use can come of it. I pray that he does not damage his health too severely, because that behavior isn't about me and all about him. I think the Architect and I thank him and I thank all of the people who in their perceived negative attitude towards me are actually helping point my way out of this reality that does not suit me anymore. Thank you, thank you. i can move on. Thank you.

Dear future boyfriend

That's the name of a Tumblr that is oh so cute. I wrote that because I decided to Google something that was highlighted in that article I just posted. If someone were looking for me, what they be saying? Interesting question...intelligence, humor,elegance,creativity,good health, very attractive (wink,wink) fun to be with, loves travel, open minded and loving. Waw...that is a bit different from the list I would prepare for someone new. I thought that The Towers had everything I always had on my list, and he did. Except he was also so far from the list where it mattered most, it is the most unusual experience I have ever had wth someone who pursued me. My list was and in some instances, still includes...extremely intelligent, very attractive, funny, honest, caring,self sufficient both emotionally and financially...that one's new for obvious reasons. I could possibly think of other things, but that's it for now. My best friend as I mentioned before was the ideal partner, and that was because I really hold friendship in high regard. Anyone I am attracted to, I would expect to develop a friendship with them. I believe that once that can be done, then a relationship can happen easily. I have mentioned a partner. We mutually respect what the other does for a living, we are supportive of the other and want the other to succeed. What's why the word partner matters to me. This makes the person dependable, reliable, trustworthy and considerate. Someone to enjoy as a dear friend also deceased said to me. Someone who loves having fun, laughing and doing things on the spur of the moment from time to time. Willing to try new things and to not take himself too seriously. That would be lovely. I am not writing anything that I would not do myself. A sensual, sexy guy. I love writing little notes and doing some unexpected things that I have never been able to do yet! I shall leave that list for another post. I believe that I have also written before that whomever the person will be, clearly it would be someone who wants to be in a relationship and wants to work at making it matter in their life. I have written a lot tonight! Waw, I did not expect to. it shall be interesting to read all of this back one of these days.

Epilogue

Could my "Y' be my jump off? Ok...now that I have stopped laughing hysterically...could I make an arrangement with him for us to be exclusively the others 'person for sex?" I understand that people do it all the time! Listen to me, like its a done deal! After all that I wrote before, including that the man and I don't even speak amicably. But I am not letting that be a problem. Ha,ha,ha. I literally just Googled it. Waw, what I just read was great! Here are some points-:If you must really know the truth, having sex with an ex rarely ends up as sweet and enjoyable as you think. It may just be the chemicals in our bodies, or something deeper, but almost always, an attachment is formed with an ex after sex, where you’d be left with mixed feelings. One part of you would just want to fall in love with your ex again, while the other part knows the relationship can’t really last. Mostly, at some point, you’d have to choose between your ex and your present amore, or you may just end up having an affair. I hope you do remember this is your ex we’re talking about. There’s a reason the relationship didn’t work out the first time around. It takes a certain amount of control to judge a sex buddy a.k.a. ex lover as something purely physical and nothing more. An occasional hook up now and then has every chance of blooming into a passionate relationship. And let’s face it, do you really think you can survive the romance together with all the differences coming up all over again? It’s not easy to leave emotions out of the picture. You may think you’re James Bond or one of his lusty women who can just swing, jump and walk away without a second look, but walking out of your ex’s bedroom wouldn’t be easy. Feelings and hopes of a second chance start springing up now and then, and with each round of good sex, you can’t help but think “hey, the sex is awesome, should I give this relationship another go?” Are both of you surely out of love? Fat chances are, one of you may still be in love with the other, and keep it a secret. This is especially true in recent break ups where one partner is ready to accept anything just to have more contact with the ex. This sort of a relationship is the worst, because everything starts to spiral around lust and love, and it tends to get nasty when one of you wants out. Even otherwise, old wounds open up, and very soon, both of you would be left wondering “are we having a fling or have we got back together?!” Remember, having sex with an ex is hot, but as with everything else that’s exceptionally good, there are several snappy reactions that can come into the picture. As tempting as it can be, focus on why you broke up with your ex in the first place. And if you have to be friends, try not to think of them as moving sex toys. It may feel nice at first, but it only takes a few passionate nights together in bed to bring back the old memories of a love that never was, and a few more nights of carnal abuse to mess your world up. Sound advice indeed. It may seem convenient. But, this casual thing that i have wondered about it anything but. I would have to literally do a wam, bam, thank you sir with him. I would also have to make it literally a hook up where it cannot become a regular thing, or else feelings would come into play tut sweet!! And hearing about what a bitch I am would sour the whole thing in a heartbeat and leave me angry that i even considered it to begin with. I am glad that I read that.

Part II

Yes, so, I remember many years ago, falling out with a friend of mine and we didn't speak for years. When we finally spoke again, I remember thinking how damn boring it was. It was as though she had not moved on at all. She had the same stories to tell, she said the same phrases. I know I sound like an ass, but this diary is for my truth, so too bad. I probably sounded the damn same way to her, so there. It made me acutely aware that you can't go home again. I also doubled back with my first ex, but didn't find lack of growth per say with him, just a spineless individual who I unfortunately still find myself glossing over every day when I ask myself wtf was I thinking!!! But, yeh, my "Y' husband, I do find myself thinking about why I have not been able to successfully move forward where he is concerned. For starters, we were in court. That kept me in one place. There are some physical reminders that keep him literally smoothed up against me like a glass is separating us but I can see him in some compartmentalized box. Lol. He has made certain that he is as unpleasant as he can possibly be. He has sent not a smudge, not an inkling of a suggestion that he has a shred of good feelings for me. Apart from some of his actions. Now, that sounds hilarious. I know...but he says horrendous things, but he has been kind in some of his actions over the years. Yet, his words trump his actions. I suppose that his actions keep me hopeful that he will eventually put down the pose and be a better guy??? Maybe, but who has time for that!! Also, who wants someone who has been like that as well??? This is the equivalent to extreme bias ht you because they like you bullshit!!! No, this boy hits me because he's an asshole!! He needs to come correct and check his damn self!! Why would I allow him the time of day! I probably wouldn't if he suddenly came at me all nice and sweet.I would be so shocked, so stunned that I would have to sleep with a knife under my pillow for the fact that I would count his sincerity. For me to tack back, I would have to see a whole different person over a damn bit of time, like say...five to ten years, and still, would I really think he had changed? I think that I should just let that one go. I may be sentimental, but I am not that sentimental! Of course there must be someone in the whole wide world who will get what I am about, and make me see why no one else has been a fit before he came along. But until then, I get me, and I like me, so I am NOT waiting on a "him." I never have.

guilty secret

Ok,so, I have been having some thoughts that I let run slightly rampant. I kinda let it out to run around and then pen it up again. Lol. These thoughts need to have some airing,because they come back again and again...and I think that I should just follow through and figure out what they are saying to me. The invitation to go swimming at night by the guy I have known for a few years has kinda done this now. I have to make sense of some of my conflicting views. My reaction to my colleague tells me that I am very clear deep down that I have some strong don'ts about men right now. I wrote and I spoke today about condescending behavior. At times like this, I miss my partner, because he was truly so much a huge part of my wellbeing when it came to interacting with a man. We were in the same field, we were friends from the moment we met, and we nurtured our friendship. So I would say that those traits are the things that I look for and I miss. I don't expect it on my job. But it is easy to miss it because my partner and I worked together as well. I just miss him, miss him, miss him. I also miss ever so often that daft man, frequent flyer. We were friends as well, and thank god, I am not always sending my mind to him, but just from time to time, my mind runs on him and thankfully though, i say to myself...I am satisfied with what I chose to do. I certainly am, because there was no alternative where he was concerned. i had to stop speaking to him. But it makes me a bit sad sometimes when I think of how very, very long we were friends. I should realize that it is only natural to remember someone with fondness who is alive the way i remember my partner who is dead. I take a moment, I say what I say to myself and I move on. I will have feelings, because I am alive and I am not a robot. Sure, but why still as a friend of mine said once, tote feelings? Do I wish things had turned out differently? Perhaps! But as i also know, there was no straight, cut and dried results as far as I could see. He brought up a lot of things that i would have to take into account if things had gone different. I do believe that this outcome was the best I could make, and I am grateful that I made it when I did. I was able to make it because of the really, really messy conclusion to the other relationship that I also had to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I am being a strong person or just walk! I make that analysis because this self talk that I trot out is counter productive. So I must also state that I am glad that I started this entry with my cards on the table. I can be negative about myself, or I can be wise. I choose to be wise. I would say, for me to have such up and down moods about this past thing has to do with still holding on a bit to it because I did have some expectations. What is odd to reconcile is that I know that I made the best decision. I did. I could not keep on being literally that man's 'work' wife! Yuck and dammit!!!! It was so subtle, that I didn't even realize that it was that! But it was sooooooo very that! Writing a bit more, I can see underneath this. I am looking at the 'good little girl' syndrome. I wanted to be someones everything. That kinda makes me laugh. OMG! Sheesh! I believe in being and having someone as everything. My dead partner was MY everything... as close to perfect that I could imagine..apart from his being a gay man. Lol. What does 'my everything' even mean???? I wrote it down already...nurtured, regarded, respected, loved, being myself, his being himself, honest with each other, gentle with each other, funny together, focused on our very best together, giving each other space. What I had was truly lovely. It was real love. Is it that I have been searching for it ever since? To be looking for it is to say that I am dating, which I certainly have not. Apart from the two disasters I experienced a few years ago, no one has asked apart from that recent person, and I have not been looking either. But then there comes the biggest thoughts running around. Before I state the obvious, I want to allow the statement that I just made to marinate around me. My friend provided a partnership where we worked at giving and taking with each other from an amicable space. I have every right to look upon that for what it was because it was really damn exceptional! I never stopped loving him, or he, me. He cannot be replaced. I can find other types of relationships, of course. But if I were to be asked which one was the most fulfilling it would definitely be the one I had with him. With that written, I cannot now look upon my "Y"husband as the definition of the best relationship that I have ever had in my life. What I can claim however, is that he also represents the most important relationship I have ever had for another reason. He represents the most emotional relationship I have ever had. I would say on a sort of Olivia Pope/Fitzgerald Grant sort of way. Lol,lol. I worry that I am only reacting to him because of the fight he now puts up every time we have to interact with each other. But that isn't true. Our relationship broke up unexpectedly on my part, so where do you put your love for someone when something is over? I have not really moved on have I? I have thought that I could by getting involved with an ambivalent married man and then an ambivalent lothario. It says more about me than I would like to admit, my own ambivalence. I clearly attracted what I was at that time. Now, I have to do the emotional work to move on.Whatever direction I choose, I definitely desire something that will feel on par or even better, way, way better than my friendship goals...as my friend wasn't into girls. lol. I have sometimes said that someone who could be a mix of my best friend and my "Y" husband would be a great person to meet.I believe that I can do even better than that, now that I have it in writing.What I mean is that, some of my "Y' husband's traits, I certainly would not have the wherewithal to experience again, his temper, his moodiness...hell to the no. This is getting quite long...I shall make this a two parter...

closer and some other thoughts

I wrote about some carts a few weeks back.Well now I think that I am getting closer to how I want the whole think to work. I spent some time yesterday focusing on what my vision is, and was very pleased with the outcome.It is experimental stuff, and its very exciting to me. Sometimes when I am writing, if I really put down all the things leading me here, it might be dizzying to do. For example, I find one of my colleagues to be quite condescending at times, and it irked me. So I sat down and worked out what it was in myself that this was affecting. The answer that I got was illuminating. One, I petulantly stated that I don't want a man telling me what to do. But when I looked more deeply, i found that my real issue was that I actually feel that I am in an environment where the rules are sketchy at best and on the one hand, I have so much to offer, and yet, I feel challenged by what is there that gives me the impression that I will have obstacles to get what I want to do, done. He just represents the gatekeeper of that ambivalence. So, tonight, my answer to myself is fuck that. JUST DO IT. Lol. In the past I might have spent a long time on reacting, but I have come a very long way from that. I now ask, what is this showing me? I have also spent the last month or two wanting to do some of my personal work, but I have not decided exactly what it is I want to do? That one sounds stranger still. But really, it has to do with another project that I really have to decide whether it should be wearable or not? As i am writing that, I think that I can make this concept both! In fact, the very concept of the "Fun house," may be the way that I should go for this other project. NEXT...