guilty secret

Ok,so, I have been having some thoughts that I let run slightly rampant. I kinda let it out to run around and then pen it up again. Lol. These thoughts need to have some airing,because they come back again and again...and I think that I should just follow through and figure out what they are saying to me. The invitation to go swimming at night by the guy I have known for a few years has kinda done this now. I have to make sense of some of my conflicting views. My reaction to my colleague tells me that I am very clear deep down that I have some strong don'ts about men right now. I wrote and I spoke today about condescending behavior. At times like this, I miss my partner, because he was truly so much a huge part of my wellbeing when it came to interacting with a man. We were in the same field, we were friends from the moment we met, and we nurtured our friendship. So I would say that those traits are the things that I look for and I miss. I don't expect it on my job. But it is easy to miss it because my partner and I worked together as well. I just miss him, miss him, miss him. I also miss ever so often that daft man, frequent flyer. We were friends as well, and thank god, I am not always sending my mind to him, but just from time to time, my mind runs on him and thankfully though, i say to myself...I am satisfied with what I chose to do. I certainly am, because there was no alternative where he was concerned. i had to stop speaking to him. But it makes me a bit sad sometimes when I think of how very, very long we were friends. I should realize that it is only natural to remember someone with fondness who is alive the way i remember my partner who is dead. I take a moment, I say what I say to myself and I move on. I will have feelings, because I am alive and I am not a robot. Sure, but why still as a friend of mine said once, tote feelings? Do I wish things had turned out differently? Perhaps! But as i also know, there was no straight, cut and dried results as far as I could see. He brought up a lot of things that i would have to take into account if things had gone different. I do believe that this outcome was the best I could make, and I am grateful that I made it when I did. I was able to make it because of the really, really messy conclusion to the other relationship that I also had to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I am being a strong person or just walk! I make that analysis because this self talk that I trot out is counter productive. So I must also state that I am glad that I started this entry with my cards on the table. I can be negative about myself, or I can be wise. I choose to be wise. I would say, for me to have such up and down moods about this past thing has to do with still holding on a bit to it because I did have some expectations. What is odd to reconcile is that I know that I made the best decision. I did. I could not keep on being literally that man's 'work' wife! Yuck and dammit!!!! It was so subtle, that I didn't even realize that it was that! But it was sooooooo very that! Writing a bit more, I can see underneath this. I am looking at the 'good little girl' syndrome. I wanted to be someones everything. That kinda makes me laugh. OMG! Sheesh! I believe in being and having someone as everything. My dead partner was MY everything... as close to perfect that I could imagine..apart from his being a gay man. Lol. What does 'my everything' even mean???? I wrote it down already...nurtured, regarded, respected, loved, being myself, his being himself, honest with each other, gentle with each other, funny together, focused on our very best together, giving each other space. What I had was truly lovely. It was real love. Is it that I have been searching for it ever since? To be looking for it is to say that I am dating, which I certainly have not. Apart from the two disasters I experienced a few years ago, no one has asked apart from that recent person, and I have not been looking either. But then there comes the biggest thoughts running around. Before I state the obvious, I want to allow the statement that I just made to marinate around me. My friend provided a partnership where we worked at giving and taking with each other from an amicable space. I have every right to look upon that for what it was because it was really damn exceptional! I never stopped loving him, or he, me. He cannot be replaced. I can find other types of relationships, of course. But if I were to be asked which one was the most fulfilling it would definitely be the one I had with him. With that written, I cannot now look upon my "Y"husband as the definition of the best relationship that I have ever had in my life. What I can claim however, is that he also represents the most important relationship I have ever had for another reason. He represents the most emotional relationship I have ever had. I would say on a sort of Olivia Pope/Fitzgerald Grant sort of way. Lol,lol. I worry that I am only reacting to him because of the fight he now puts up every time we have to interact with each other. But that isn't true. Our relationship broke up unexpectedly on my part, so where do you put your love for someone when something is over? I have not really moved on have I? I have thought that I could by getting involved with an ambivalent married man and then an ambivalent lothario. It says more about me than I would like to admit, my own ambivalence. I clearly attracted what I was at that time. Now, I have to do the emotional work to move on.Whatever direction I choose, I definitely desire something that will feel on par or even better, way, way better than my friendship goals...as my friend wasn't into girls. lol. I have sometimes said that someone who could be a mix of my best friend and my "Y" husband would be a great person to meet.I believe that I can do even better than that, now that I have it in writing.What I mean is that, some of my "Y' husband's traits, I certainly would not have the wherewithal to experience again, his temper, his moodiness...hell to the no. This is getting quite long...I shall make this a two parter...