up and down

I felt that way today. A rush of emotions regarding the death of my Father. I have been there before with my partner, but this is my father, so although I know the feeling, every death is different.A parent, the ultimate. So I just kept quiet, and felt it and felt it. I woke up and felt the entirety of covid-19 from the aspect of "what is my future now?" Things will never be the same. Even what I wanted to be doing, I am now so conscious that I don't even know whether it can be done as I envisioned it. My Mother put it well, she says that the world is in free fall. There is some freedom in that statement though, because you could really just fling up your hands and conclude that any thought you have now about anything is indeed personal to you and relevant to the situation at hand and going forward.

The Love you feel in life is a reflection of the love you feel in yourself - Deepak Chopra ...................................................................... I always seem to find the right statement when I am writing about a topic close to my emotional needs. Lol. Well Deepak Chopra stated the above and it clicked with me that I am at odds with myself, and that is why I was reflecting it back to myself with juliemangoman. He is neutral, and he showed me that when I asked him what he wants and he threw the question back to me.It is so jokey how much I can see with this experience, how much everything isn't about the subject of my interest but about how I reflect myself all of the time. If I am constantly battling how I feel about the way that I look, I am exhausted. I am way too tired to be able to put a good impression out, but more so, how can I keep attraction going? For example, as a friend told me decades ago, you don't know why someone likes you...that is about them. You respond according to what you like. So why do we always put it on the other person? So, I attracted what I want. But then, I worry about keeping it, or I worry about whether I really want it. I always find it so funny as well how I behave when I meet my crush and then how I act when I know the person awhile. I still have my core belief, but it becomes a comfortable belief. I ramp up my expectations. So, if they suddenly have a different opinion that threatens me, I either want to understand what is going on to bring the situation back to where I want it to be, or I start wondering about compatibility. In a way I move true to my zodiac sign. (ha,ha...walking sideways and retreating into my shell) Now,I see that perhaps all of that control that I hold to is all well and good, but it has its place in a relationship with myself and not so much with another person. That judgement has its downside. I can observe difference, I can mention it. I can move with it, around it, left or right off it. But to stack it up and then use it to control someone! Come on. Then, I am not in a relationship for mutual benefit. I am in it for what supports my ego, and I am not about that, and that was the issue with my friend after knowing her for twenty years. I was floored by.

Yesterday I had one conversation after another on my favorite subject, creating works. I am bouncing off the walls with all that came through my mind as i discussed my way ahead. It goes hand in hand with what I was writing yesterday about believing my own propaganda. The inconsistency between what is wanted and what has to be done to get it has always been an issue. I am fortunate to be able to observe it in my experiences with others and myself. I put an idea out and I get my sketchbook and I write down the vision. During that time I am in the flow. I am excited, I love what the idea looks like and where it can go. I am such a visual person that I pack the vision with details and I feel them. Great. Then, I proceed to look around and see how I can bring it into my world. Usually, I am doing it on paper, and that also works very well. So what is my problem? When I have my first speed bump, it usually entails money, but it can also include people. Many times I see my moving forward as something I need people to assist me to do. That is time consuming and brings with it the challenges of scheduling and compatibility of personalities. The other big one is money. How can I do this idea when I need a certain amount of money. Once I have to stall my project because of those two things, upset sets in and for me, I then consider what I can do. Sometimes, all I feel I can do is stop and re-evaluate it and also put it down for awhile until I can consider a solution. This has been going on with me for many, many years. So what has changed? I am more aware of how I talk to myself for one. My attitude is now one where I talk to myself about incremental steps. The finish line is off in the distance and what I am doing now is being pleased with the fact that I am starting whatever the project is. I have all of the old files and sketches and processes behind me. That is an asset, not a negative thing. I know that I am not a sprinter but a marathon runner. So right now, I have been thinking that a proper studio is urgent for me. It is, but until I sort it out, the solution is to stack and to take notes and to schedule. What does all of that good stuff to do with my run in with my friend the other day and the split from her toxic behavior? I have taken what to me is a damn long ass time to really feel comfortable in my skin in regard to what I want to be doing. I have had small moments of confidence, but most of all, I think that I never really declared it in terms of how I would view doing it day by day, week by week and beyond. I believe that my daily walking pre covid-19, was a big part of helping me. So now I am excited about the tiny steps that lead to the big results. Those steps matter a great deal, and as I plan with my daughter toward securing her future, those small steps with purpose are re-assuring. It has also meant that I check myself with what I say to myself all of the time. I want this or that...stay the course. Keep the focus. I can do that. I did it as a child. I have done it throughout the years, but I flub it off as just those moments when things seem to come together. I remember when I was in my early twenties and I was really terrified that I would go through my life reacting and not acting. It took time to still myself in an awareness that I will make mistakes and be ok, survive and even thrive despite a setback. Taking care of myself is something that I continue to work on and learn from. This is becoming a bigger statement...so I will continue in another entry.

excitement

Although I am one of those persons whose life before quarantine was pretty much as it is now, even I had a moment or two where I just didn't stick to wanting to do much of anything. Just a few moments ago I received the governments implementations for a gradual return to pre Covid-19 life that goes into August. This makes me excited, as I feel the optimism of firmer planning beyond just my concerns. Also, a dear friend and supporter of my work had a chat with me today about working together. This was after yet another friend and colleague called me prior to him. This week has been filled with such moments, and I am truly grateful for that. It has been just what I needed, particularly as the person I mentioned who has been contentious, contacted me as well this morning with a cursory greeting and then went straight into asking me to help her with something. I have decided that at this time, that part, where I work on things, is all that I desire to do for her, as it is something that I have assisted her with, worked on and agreed to a small stipend for. Conversations do not matter, as I know the spiel with her. I bring up the awkward moments. I work at turning things around, as more and more she has not wanted to listen to what I am saying, although she has asked me for advice. She argued with everything I said to avoid acting to change her situation, and I had to conclude that she just wanted to complain. That caused me pause at the time, but then I decided that all of that is part of friendship, and I would do what I could and not be an asshole by judging her behavior too harshly. Despite the way that I sound,I am simply about preserving myself now and here I make no apologies for that. What's also interesting with the situation is my story too. I don't think that I have placed a whole narrative about her in my mind, but obviously I have, and we all do. That experience has bled into what I began to get at with juliemangoman, where now that we are communicating more, he calls me every few days. I am not used to that at all. I am familiar with calls every day or every other day. I had to do my best not to be judge-y about that with him. I had to remind myself that it isn't like he can get on a plane and come visit me next week. We do not know when that shall be, so in this instance, I have no template. I can try to control it, but I know that it would not make a difference and it makes me a bit anxious and excited at the same time. In fact, this deserves another entry, and I shall do that later today when I think on it some more...but I really am curious about the fact that the thoughts that you place on things are not necessarily the truth. You hear, but do you listen? How much of what you do is already planned outcomes? Why is so much abstract thought placed on a faceted life? Obviously it is done because it has worked. But now, I am actually mindful of how much I get in my own way with presumptions. To make myself right, I am also making myself unhappy and that is the interesting thing about juliemangoman. Somehow, my thinking whenever he waltzed into my life, got me to observe myself differently. I also think that my dad's death has also impacted my thinking too. I am not as skittish about thinking out things and scrapping them afterwards and pushing boundaries right away. I used to procrastinate a bit on that way of considering options. Now, mom and I are talking all of the time and splashing out with all sorts of considerations that can only be called, legacy building and I love the freedom it brings with it. But as I stated, I shall continue this later today.

paused

The situation I experienced with my friend really showed me how you create your reality. She has not called me since, and I have not called her either. I found her behavior abusive to me, so I am giving myself space from her. In the past, I would not wait for her to apologize if I needed to speak with her. I would just call her up and bring up the issue and work it out. This time I feel no desire to do that. No desire to 'fix' the situation, and that is because I really believe that if she sees me as just another one of her friends that she bad talks with me, then I could do without it. I have always been patient with her and a straight shooter. The fact that she could call me and pressure me one day after receiving my Fathers' ashes. one week after his funeral...and expect me to just feel bad because she wants me to do so, is bananas. Just as she can choose to manipulate me, I choose to act as I am now. I am still annoyed at the whole thing because I cannot believe that she could be as insensitive as she has been to me! Thus, I conclude that she doesn't really care about me at all after all of this time. On another note, I do research every day, and yesterday I came across a great article online from a local businessman. He wrote about setting up his own business and he gave tips and costs and addresses to check and it was fantastic. He has done more for me than all of the sites I have gone on and worked with in the past. I have assisted my friend in so many ways with her business, and I have constantly said to her that i would like to bounce my business ideas off of her in the same way to figure out how to go forward with my own business, but she never really spent any meaningful time there. Now, I will just do it as I expected, by myself. Right away, I went over the online learning site that I have been flirting with for the last five or so years, and things started clicking. I am thrilled. More about this next time.

D O

The situation I just wrote about contrasted with something else happening to me yesterday. I have not written about my conversations with juliemangoman, and I have been wanting to, but have not done so until now. He has been contacting me and it has been pleasant. However, recently, he called and promised to call back and didn't. That got me miffed. I got into a lather about his word. I had to take some mental notes about what I was feeling.He was online and didn't contact me. (You see how that makes me sound? Needy! Yuck!) I have always been pursued. I have never initiated a call. I do not understand what it is like to feel out of step with someone I like romantically. The person starts calling me and we start going out and that's it. But here, we start talking and then, he breaks the connection. I usually check in with my instinct then. Should I be concerned? My instinct would tell me not to worry, but my logic never listens to that. My history now with him is one where the attraction overpowers. The pattern is what I just mentioned. When I did not hear from him last year, he went to China. I know, it sounds like a yarn. But I have been to China as well, so we talked about our impressions of the country. Another thing too is that as we cannot meet anytime soon, communicating online is great. We have to slow down. We will get to know more about each other as we need too. It is all filled with possibilities and that is a very good thing. So when I re-acted, I knew that it was about ME. (Something that my friend needs to do with her outburst with me...but I digress) What was this about? I realised that I want some consistency where communicating is concerned. I want something more from him. I really want to see where 'we' can go. Yesterday, at my worst I felt that I should just throw up my hands and cut him off. But then, a little voice in my head said to me, you're used to things a certain way. You want things but you are not declaring it even to yourself. Instead you are standing at a bridge between wanting to fight and wanting to flee. Make up your damn mind! That was helpful. Part of my liking him is the lack of rules and expectations that I have. But it is also what is challenging to me too. I don't know, so I have to make things up, and I have to ask for things and to even initiate things. But, the comparison with what I just wrote about my friend...the message I got from her behavior was this-: She made up a whole story in her mind about me and she played all of the key parts making me the villain. In making herself right, I had to be wrong. We do this all the time. it isn't that something isn't happening. it just is that what is happening is not necessarily about you, you choose to include yourself or involve yourself in an experience. She concluded that somehow I closed ranks and kept her out of my 'special' day. Even writing that, I have difficulty with how she inserted herself into that presumption. I was doing the same with him. What was I doing? I was concluding things about him as though we are in a relationship and I want to shift around furniture and tell him how to dress or something. Lol. We are getting to know each other again, and I am just nervous, wanting it to work out and sending out all of the feels (that slang word is so funny) As he told me himself, I am not listening to all of those rules you want to put onto this. I want to do.

WTF

When my father died at home, it caused a ripple effect for us. There are different people to call and arrangements to be made in this covid-19 world. The day of his funeral. only four people were allowed. We were told that we could live stream it, and in that understanding I neglected to mention it to my friend whom I have discussed here before. I did not do it deliberately. There was so much to do, that I thought of her and then in the haste to remember to have all of the little things to take with us, it slipped me. A few days went by and we were communicating online, but I found her a bit cold. On the third day, i called her and she got back into her old routine with me and the conversation was mainly about her situation. Yesterday she contacted me and made the comment that she had something important to discuss with me. The very tone sounded foreboding. We played a bit of phone tag on Facebook. Finally we spoke, and she started with a whole preamble. We have been friends for many years etc, and she was hurt when I did not tell her about the live streaming. She said that she is so proud of herself for being able to tell me how she felt because usually she would leave something like that alone and say nothing and suffer silently. (Really?!?) I was so stunned by the admission that I decided that I would explain what had happened. However, she seemed hell bent on what she was feeling. I asked her outright, what benefit would I get from lying to her about not being able to tell her about the funeral? I have always been a straight shooter with her, and I said that. I even went further by stating that she knows very well my personality, and that feeling she has of not being told and some sort of ulterior motive is so insane to me. But what this was about when we hung up was her wanting my absolute attention no matter my circumstances. I felt abused by her, so much so that I seriously contemplate whether we should remain friends. How could she do that? What the hell! The irony of all of this is that that day I was having our first full day just coming to terms with all that had happened. I had gone to the funeral home to collect Dad's ashes. The term for it is 'cremains" I think that that is a horrible name. But, anyway, it has been tumultuous. Yet, she believed that she could step to me with her selfishness, proud to do it! WTF.