excitement

Although I am one of those persons whose life before quarantine was pretty much as it is now, even I had a moment or two where I just didn't stick to wanting to do much of anything. Just a few moments ago I received the governments implementations for a gradual return to pre Covid-19 life that goes into August. This makes me excited, as I feel the optimism of firmer planning beyond just my concerns. Also, a dear friend and supporter of my work had a chat with me today about working together. This was after yet another friend and colleague called me prior to him. This week has been filled with such moments, and I am truly grateful for that. It has been just what I needed, particularly as the person I mentioned who has been contentious, contacted me as well this morning with a cursory greeting and then went straight into asking me to help her with something. I have decided that at this time, that part, where I work on things, is all that I desire to do for her, as it is something that I have assisted her with, worked on and agreed to a small stipend for. Conversations do not matter, as I know the spiel with her. I bring up the awkward moments. I work at turning things around, as more and more she has not wanted to listen to what I am saying, although she has asked me for advice. She argued with everything I said to avoid acting to change her situation, and I had to conclude that she just wanted to complain. That caused me pause at the time, but then I decided that all of that is part of friendship, and I would do what I could and not be an asshole by judging her behavior too harshly. Despite the way that I sound,I am simply about preserving myself now and here I make no apologies for that. What's also interesting with the situation is my story too. I don't think that I have placed a whole narrative about her in my mind, but obviously I have, and we all do. That experience has bled into what I began to get at with juliemangoman, where now that we are communicating more, he calls me every few days. I am not used to that at all. I am familiar with calls every day or every other day. I had to do my best not to be judge-y about that with him. I had to remind myself that it isn't like he can get on a plane and come visit me next week. We do not know when that shall be, so in this instance, I have no template. I can try to control it, but I know that it would not make a difference and it makes me a bit anxious and excited at the same time. In fact, this deserves another entry, and I shall do that later today when I think on it some more...but I really am curious about the fact that the thoughts that you place on things are not necessarily the truth. You hear, but do you listen? How much of what you do is already planned outcomes? Why is so much abstract thought placed on a faceted life? Obviously it is done because it has worked. But now, I am actually mindful of how much I get in my own way with presumptions. To make myself right, I am also making myself unhappy and that is the interesting thing about juliemangoman. Somehow, my thinking whenever he waltzed into my life, got me to observe myself differently. I also think that my dad's death has also impacted my thinking too. I am not as skittish about thinking out things and scrapping them afterwards and pushing boundaries right away. I used to procrastinate a bit on that way of considering options. Now, mom and I are talking all of the time and splashing out with all sorts of considerations that can only be called, legacy building and I love the freedom it brings with it. But as I stated, I shall continue this later today.