Yesterday I had one conversation after another on my favorite subject, creating works. I am bouncing off the walls with all that came through my mind as i discussed my way ahead. It goes hand in hand with what I was writing yesterday about believing my own propaganda. The inconsistency between what is wanted and what has to be done to get it has always been an issue. I am fortunate to be able to observe it in my experiences with others and myself. I put an idea out and I get my sketchbook and I write down the vision. During that time I am in the flow. I am excited, I love what the idea looks like and where it can go. I am such a visual person that I pack the vision with details and I feel them. Great. Then, I proceed to look around and see how I can bring it into my world. Usually, I am doing it on paper, and that also works very well. So what is my problem? When I have my first speed bump, it usually entails money, but it can also include people. Many times I see my moving forward as something I need people to assist me to do. That is time consuming and brings with it the challenges of scheduling and compatibility of personalities. The other big one is money. How can I do this idea when I need a certain amount of money. Once I have to stall my project because of those two things, upset sets in and for me, I then consider what I can do. Sometimes, all I feel I can do is stop and re-evaluate it and also put it down for awhile until I can consider a solution. This has been going on with me for many, many years. So what has changed? I am more aware of how I talk to myself for one. My attitude is now one where I talk to myself about incremental steps. The finish line is off in the distance and what I am doing now is being pleased with the fact that I am starting whatever the project is. I have all of the old files and sketches and processes behind me. That is an asset, not a negative thing. I know that I am not a sprinter but a marathon runner. So right now, I have been thinking that a proper studio is urgent for me. It is, but until I sort it out, the solution is to stack and to take notes and to schedule. What does all of that good stuff to do with my run in with my friend the other day and the split from her toxic behavior? I have taken what to me is a damn long ass time to really feel comfortable in my skin in regard to what I want to be doing. I have had small moments of confidence, but most of all, I think that I never really declared it in terms of how I would view doing it day by day, week by week and beyond. I believe that my daily walking pre covid-19, was a big part of helping me. So now I am excited about the tiny steps that lead to the big results. Those steps matter a great deal, and as I plan with my daughter toward securing her future, those small steps with purpose are re-assuring. It has also meant that I check myself with what I say to myself all of the time. I want this or that...stay the course. Keep the focus. I can do that. I did it as a child. I have done it throughout the years, but I flub it off as just those moments when things seem to come together. I remember when I was in my early twenties and I was really terrified that I would go through my life reacting and not acting. It took time to still myself in an awareness that I will make mistakes and be ok, survive and even thrive despite a setback. Taking care of myself is something that I continue to work on and learn from. This is becoming a bigger statement...so I will continue in another entry.