D O

The situation I just wrote about contrasted with something else happening to me yesterday. I have not written about my conversations with juliemangoman, and I have been wanting to, but have not done so until now. He has been contacting me and it has been pleasant. However, recently, he called and promised to call back and didn't. That got me miffed. I got into a lather about his word. I had to take some mental notes about what I was feeling.He was online and didn't contact me. (You see how that makes me sound? Needy! Yuck!) I have always been pursued. I have never initiated a call. I do not understand what it is like to feel out of step with someone I like romantically. The person starts calling me and we start going out and that's it. But here, we start talking and then, he breaks the connection. I usually check in with my instinct then. Should I be concerned? My instinct would tell me not to worry, but my logic never listens to that. My history now with him is one where the attraction overpowers. The pattern is what I just mentioned. When I did not hear from him last year, he went to China. I know, it sounds like a yarn. But I have been to China as well, so we talked about our impressions of the country. Another thing too is that as we cannot meet anytime soon, communicating online is great. We have to slow down. We will get to know more about each other as we need too. It is all filled with possibilities and that is a very good thing. So when I re-acted, I knew that it was about ME. (Something that my friend needs to do with her outburst with me...but I digress) What was this about? I realised that I want some consistency where communicating is concerned. I want something more from him. I really want to see where 'we' can go. Yesterday, at my worst I felt that I should just throw up my hands and cut him off. But then, a little voice in my head said to me, you're used to things a certain way. You want things but you are not declaring it even to yourself. Instead you are standing at a bridge between wanting to fight and wanting to flee. Make up your damn mind! That was helpful. Part of my liking him is the lack of rules and expectations that I have. But it is also what is challenging to me too. I don't know, so I have to make things up, and I have to ask for things and to even initiate things. But, the comparison with what I just wrote about my friend...the message I got from her behavior was this-: She made up a whole story in her mind about me and she played all of the key parts making me the villain. In making herself right, I had to be wrong. We do this all the time. it isn't that something isn't happening. it just is that what is happening is not necessarily about you, you choose to include yourself or involve yourself in an experience. She concluded that somehow I closed ranks and kept her out of my 'special' day. Even writing that, I have difficulty with how she inserted herself into that presumption. I was doing the same with him. What was I doing? I was concluding things about him as though we are in a relationship and I want to shift around furniture and tell him how to dress or something. Lol. We are getting to know each other again, and I am just nervous, wanting it to work out and sending out all of the feels (that slang word is so funny) As he told me himself, I am not listening to all of those rules you want to put onto this. I want to do.