AF's Be Gone
To throw off the yolk of the AF's is something that I want to consciously acknowledge. How do I do this?I do this by validating myself.I do this with the following mantra-:

* What I think is important to my well being.
* My plans are possible and definitely achievable.
* My feelings and decisions matter to me and are relevant.
* Not agreeing or seeing eye to eye with my parents is not going to kill me.
* Respect is a two-way street,not a one way highway.I cannot support bullying tactics. I will retaliate an/or react.

This is a big deal for me. Although I began my adult life with a clear idea of what I wanted to do,to be educated,to have my profession,I also found myself losing my way sometimes...although I never left my profession during trying times.
Now, I say to myself,live,have the experiences that I want,know that if one thing fails or is slow in working out,that I have other options. Know that I can survive, I can make that change. Just know that I can succeed.

Ode to joy

My goodness, what a difference a day and another perspective can give.Today i heard from my uncle in Canada. He has been here three times for the year,and this last time, he had a long talk with my ex-husband.I have come to now understand that he would prefer not to have me stay at his home. He cannot come out and say this to me,so he has been beating around the bush and involving my ex-husband in conversation.
So why am I writing such a title on this blog?I have woken up!I am clear at last! It has taken a very long time for me to get here. But now that I have done so, there is certainly no going back to past behavior. I have given people I call 'authority figures'control of my life. I yield to their perceived knowledge over my own. This is my most trying trait. These AF's are my parents,elder family members,my boss and anyone who is older and seems to have a title. It's not everybody, but the habit can be seen in my life in the guise of such. Now my ex-husband is younger than I, so how did he factor into AF, he does this by using the script of appearing to have facts and data to suggest to me that he knows more than I do.
My history with this embarrasses me. I have been afraid to make decisions because of the pressure I have felt about this.
But now that I can look at it for what it was, I now feel that I can move forward.

once more from the peanut gallery

Our little one was ill today, so we both rushed into parents with sick child mode. When we are in it,we are like old times,including wanting to take up all of her attention.(Although this blog is private,I have been guarding against saying the sex of my child, but I just let it slip and I have decided that my pre-empting this information makes no sense,so I shan't continue to do that here anymore.)
I have had that sort of day,a day where I have looked back on my past and have had to just say that I must move forward once and for all.We went to the councillor and then we actually went out to eat together.I cannot recall when we have done this before,other than when we were married.
I want to process the evening a bit more before I write further.It affected both of us quite a bit.Much occupies my thoughts,because of all that I have been through most recently. Life is so short,so much time is wasted. So much said cannot be taken back.
What I got out of this last encounter with the councillor is that going over the same ground all the time when actually we have the same desires for our daughter is such that someone has to give. Someone has to let go of the desire to be right.
I always feel that it is me, but this evening,I saw that the very thing that I claim not to be and the very thing that I say that I want,I may very well have been repelling it in the very person I wanted it from.
I think that this has been my biggest lesson for 2010,and that is,finding another way to look at an issue that has been looked at one way.

The Agreement

We agree to proceed as follows for the good of our child-:

1. See to our child's Canadian status.
2. Secure financial supports for our child's future.
3. Work together to maintain a cordial relationship for our child's sake.
Cordiality means showing interest and regard for the other. Working out issues as reasonably as we can, in areas of great difficulty, being willing to have a third party assist.
4. This agreement means that activities involving our child must be observed. This includes as well,doing our best to give a secure family life to our child. We should mark holidays, birthdays and overall, endeavour to put our child's needs above our own.
5. This document must also take into account unforeseen circumstances and how to handle them. If one of us is not working, or one of us forms another relationship with someone else, this document should come up as first priority over our personal needs. Thus it must be fair, and in order for it to be fair, WE must establish a better relationship with the other. This must be part of the agreement. Neither party can work responsibly or to the best of their ability if the other party insists on being litigious or sabotaging in any way. This document MUST be able to assist us in doing what is best for our child at all times.
5. Within reason after the initial trial of working together, we should renew this document and amend it as necessary.

something more

and that is, MY OPINION

A dear friend of mine called me today to discuss the meeting I took with my ex-husband. Being a small place, she knew the person and got very agitated when I began to express my findings on the experience to her. My friend has a completely different view, more along the lines of my thinking, which I felt was not sensibly addressed in that meeting. However, being a bit older than I am, she gets very concerned for me, and she tells me things that she always feels awkward about. She'd stop herself and say things like, I hope we speak again after I say this to you.
Tonight, I felt a need to come right here to my site because of these two extremes of opinion, to field out a third opinion and that opinion is mine.
I saw my ex-husband again today, with the intention of discussing the only thing of any real value from my meeting with the councillor. I got even more off of my chest. It seems that every encounter with him is heated on my part. But I put it to him some issues that I want to get out and onto the agreement document we are proceeding to draw up.
But before I get into that, I want to look at the way I am seen. My friend talks to me as though I have given up 'my' power to my ex-husband, and to some extent, she is right that I had done that in the past, during the worst of the divorce, when he threatened me in so many ways,I felt that if I found a full time job, he'd take me to court for not spending time with our child for example. Back then I was ignorant of what was possible. Now,I am not naive.
My friend thinks that I should have nothing to do with him and should strike out on my own with my child in whatever direction I feel happiest going in.
I love that she thinks this. I find her suggestion very sweet, and I toy with this all of the time. I have been reticent about going it alone for only one reason. I have found that in the last year and a half that both my part time job and my freelance work have not been paying off. I have tried a number of things, but nothing really seems to be working out. Even this year, the projects are getting pushed back, and my salary, just like last year is being paid to me months late. It is frustrating and quite demoralizing.
So, here is my take on things.I want to make the best of my life and my situations. I am willing to try and to do what I can for my future and my child's future. I want to have a healthy relationship with her father, no matter what other people may see or think about my choice here. I know that if I do not try to have this, I will be disappointed with myself. Maybe this is because I keep good relationships with all the other men I know, so my ego is involved.Whatever the case may be, I want to feel better and to do better with the time that I have. My best friend spent his last two weeks in too much turmoil. So, it may sound real smart to say cut ties and do what you want, but there is also the reality of finding real balance in ones life.The opinion may not be popular but it is something I want to do at this time.
I will say however, in order to do this and to feel good about myself, some boundaries must be there for myself. These may factor into our eventual agreement.The agreement shall be my next post.

So what?!

My ex-husband and I went to a councillor yesterday. Yep, we did everything backward, got divorced and sought the councillor afterwards. It was an experience. I found that she leaned towards his way of thinking and although she got across some of mine, I didn't feel that she did it enough for him to truly 'get it'. The bottom line though is that no councillor can help you with your life.

Only you can choose to let the things that hurt,go. Only you can decide to overlook things that you held to, hoping that the other person would conform to what you need. To me, my needs seem simple,I need an apology,I need to feel some sense of respect or regard. To me it isn't something difficult to do.
However, it continues to feel and seem as though I am asking for something super human from him, because although he may say something from time to time that suggests growth,to me it comes after giving miles and miles of myself for a crumb. So,I concluded recently that none of this was worth this anymore and that I had had it.I wanted nothing to do with him. In fact last night, when he explained to me where things unravelled in our relationship, I was so beyond disappointed that I told him that the fact that he could ruin our marriage for something so minor,meant to me that we didn't have much of anything to begin with,if it could break apart so easily.

LET THE HURT GO.In fact, I will go a step further, I dare my life to take a turn for the dramatically better,so much so that this hurt (the only hurt that shall feel this devastating) shall trickle away and be of no significance in my future, to the point where I will wonder what was the whole fuss about.

what does this mean?

The death of my closest friend is bringing into perspective things about my life that I knew would be coming up because of the fact that we were so close and we were also business partners. So, I knew that this would throw me into a tailspin about what I want to do now. But, tonight, I am also finding myself thinking about this whole sadness and coming to terms with his loss.
I have been here before, losing someone very close. The last time, in my twenties,it was new to me. Now, knowing what to expect makes it a bit more unusual. On the one hand I have an idea of what I will be going through, but on the other hand, I have no idea where this shall all lead me.
I am also aware of something that I was observing before he died, and that was my shift in mood. The fact that when I felt confident it was so thorough and when I felt the opposite, I also felt it as complete. I was beginning to feel that I had many more positive, productive days than not. But now, I wonder whether that shall become harder for me?
It is early yet, so I am experiencing ups and downs in one day. I am feeling very up and then very, very down and I am trying to deal with it as it comes.It is just hard to take, knowing that just weeks ago we did things together and now he's gone.
Should I look at everything that has felt like a loss, as a new beginning? It might be the wisest thing to do.

and then...

I do believe that I must be careful to not make self-fulfilling prophecies, in the already posted letter. I do want to see something better happen to me in my life where the father of my child and my emotional life, generally, gets better by leaps and bounds. I decided to push my writing tonight because I have a problem with giving up and giving in.
Although I know that sometimes that is the only choice.
What this is really about is the ego. What this is really about is rejection, and I must discuss it now if I am going to have any peace with myself. The divorce felt like a complete rejection. I felt blind-sided,and I still feel hurt, and more so, I am surprised at the fact that moving on, even with someone else,is taking so long for me.
Maybe it is indeed time to seek some professional help, as the ego just cannot let go.
I had to let go of certain hopes and expectations when my dear friend died, so why am I unable or unwilling to do this for someone who clearly has let go at least three years ago?
Perhaps it is partially because I held him up to a ridiculously high regard and feel a deep sense of not measuring up to that regard as a dynamic of our co-dependence? Because I am aware that his insistence that we continue with a past plan,despite having no interest in me,is co-dependent on his part....so we both have to watch it! We clearly have some major crap to solve (if it can ever really be solved)
If it is that,then the former post is necessary and a good start.
I know that this is the ego because I cannot shift my thinking, too much is connected to feeling hurt and bringing up these hurts at every turn when this topic comes up. So, how do I change this? How do I work on this?
I think I need to make plans for my emotional life. Perhaps one option is making myself more visible. I don't go out. Maybe I should start doing that,be more sociable? That may help me? The alternative certainly is not yielding anything but much of the same?
So the last post stays.
As I always say, the issues are always about YOU if you take the time to do the work, you WILL find the answers you seek.

Outcomes and incomes

Today I knew that I would be a little unsteady emotionally, and what I mean by that, is that today would have been the day, last week that my dearest friend was dying. The whole week has been challenging. From his family descending on me and all wanting answers and re-assurance that they were good to him, to my ex-husband deciding to throw me the cold shoulder when I chose supporting the family of my friend over some pre-scheduled thing with him.
In fact that brings me here tonight. I had a long and unexpectedly frank talk with his mother. My friends death has made me see some things that have gone on, a bit differently now. I suspect that his death marks a true turning point in my life.
I have finally given up my attempts to make right my post marriage status with my ex-husband. The way he behaved when I chose my friends' funeral over his issue was just the last straw,and I have had many last straws I have felt,but this time,I think that that one did the trick.
I have come to terms with the fact that he is just a selfish,thoughtless person.I have hoped that he could mature and get past certain behaviour that he now shows me, but this will just not be the case. In fact,I do not know what convinced me that I could have a civil or any relationship with him for that matter?
The way of most people seems to be the best idea....to go our separate ways and not speak, maybe ever again, apart from discussing our child.
I know that what I am writing sounds a bit harsh,but I can see no alternative.I really have had enough. I have tried and tried,and tried. When my friend was alive, he used to say, god knows you've tried. Now I ask myself, why? To what avail have I even bothered? Every time I reached out, I gave ten miles for a fraction of a centimetre in response.
This is just not worth it. I throw down my hands,I give up. I can do no more.I do not see the point.

Last night I automatically started to write Richard an email, and last night I thought I heard someone say Hold on Richard, I'll get her for you.
This was not an, oh, I do not feel well, and let's go to the doctor. This was ill and then death. I had been nagging him to have a check-up. I know that I cannot assume anything until the autopsy results come back. But today, I feel more wild eyed than yesterday.
I was able to sleep, I made sure of that by really pushing myself yesterday.
But today, I had to push myself out of bed with the knowledge that I cannot call my best friend on the phone to find out how he is feeling.
I can never do this, ever again...


I have to get up and go on with my life.
I have to spend some time today to put my thoughts in place about how I am going to move forward.
If I do not do this, I think that I shall never recover from this.

My oldest and dearest friend has died. I love you Richard, and I shall miss you until we meet again. Thank you for being in my life.

the peace of wild things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry