something more

and that is, MY OPINION

A dear friend of mine called me today to discuss the meeting I took with my ex-husband. Being a small place, she knew the person and got very agitated when I began to express my findings on the experience to her. My friend has a completely different view, more along the lines of my thinking, which I felt was not sensibly addressed in that meeting. However, being a bit older than I am, she gets very concerned for me, and she tells me things that she always feels awkward about. She'd stop herself and say things like, I hope we speak again after I say this to you.
Tonight, I felt a need to come right here to my site because of these two extremes of opinion, to field out a third opinion and that opinion is mine.
I saw my ex-husband again today, with the intention of discussing the only thing of any real value from my meeting with the councillor. I got even more off of my chest. It seems that every encounter with him is heated on my part. But I put it to him some issues that I want to get out and onto the agreement document we are proceeding to draw up.
But before I get into that, I want to look at the way I am seen. My friend talks to me as though I have given up 'my' power to my ex-husband, and to some extent, she is right that I had done that in the past, during the worst of the divorce, when he threatened me in so many ways,I felt that if I found a full time job, he'd take me to court for not spending time with our child for example. Back then I was ignorant of what was possible. Now,I am not naive.
My friend thinks that I should have nothing to do with him and should strike out on my own with my child in whatever direction I feel happiest going in.
I love that she thinks this. I find her suggestion very sweet, and I toy with this all of the time. I have been reticent about going it alone for only one reason. I have found that in the last year and a half that both my part time job and my freelance work have not been paying off. I have tried a number of things, but nothing really seems to be working out. Even this year, the projects are getting pushed back, and my salary, just like last year is being paid to me months late. It is frustrating and quite demoralizing.
So, here is my take on things.I want to make the best of my life and my situations. I am willing to try and to do what I can for my future and my child's future. I want to have a healthy relationship with her father, no matter what other people may see or think about my choice here. I know that if I do not try to have this, I will be disappointed with myself. Maybe this is because I keep good relationships with all the other men I know, so my ego is involved.Whatever the case may be, I want to feel better and to do better with the time that I have. My best friend spent his last two weeks in too much turmoil. So, it may sound real smart to say cut ties and do what you want, but there is also the reality of finding real balance in ones life.The opinion may not be popular but it is something I want to do at this time.
I will say however, in order to do this and to feel good about myself, some boundaries must be there for myself. These may factor into our eventual agreement.The agreement shall be my next post.