two-clearing the dust

The constant demand for more,do more,give me more...I could not bear it anymore. I saw no need for a relationship. I concluded that I was better alone. I thought that all that would happen is that I would keep getting the same man in different guises. I was skeptical underneath all the hopes I had written about what I said so many times I wanted. I didn't actually believe that "he" existed. I have always said that I exist, so he is out there existing too. I do believe that. But that is not enough, the inner and outer must agree. Now, I understand. I get it. What I wanted, I had to give it to myself, and what I felt with him was a reflection of myself. That is why I believed that I had met 'the one," and perhaps I did meet him. He however had other plans. He also has no idea how much he has impacted my life. No idea at all. That is a bit jokey and a little sad in a way, that someone could do that and have no idea. All the things said was so beautiful,so fulfilling. So etched in promise. To have touched heaven was amazing. It was about acceptance of the person no matter what. It was willingness to come together and be "us.' Imagine, an US? I was not afraid to say us and we and yet I hadn't had to give up anything of myself because I was completely open. It was because I was made vulnerable, I could receive. WTF! That blew my mind. I had no fear. I had certainty. For all who have felt that, what a tremendous gift indeed.

Clearing the dust

It took some work, and I will not say that I am at 100% as yet, but I am getting there. Love is an extremely powerful force. I felt something so life changing in such a short time. It did not last, but it has changed the way I look at things, perhaps forever. I saw things about myself that I could not articulate any other way until that moment. I did not realize what an uphill battle I waged. I have had relationships in the past, very long relationships. But I didn't realize that somehow, I was never really in love? I was asked whether I would go to the 'jungle' with that person and I didn't hesitate. I had never been asked that before, but I have to admit that I would never answer yes to anyone before? How was this possible? What happened to suddenly make me react as I did? It was something that appears small, but it was deeply impactful. His simple act of giving felt so complete. It took me by surprise and it also unbalanced me. I could not believe that for once, someone was actually giving. Not taking. I had become so accustomed to the latter, that I didn't even know how to act. I was momentarily confused. My knee-jerk reaction was to offer a compromise, and the response at that time was, we have all the time in the world. It sounded like a luxurious statement. I don't want to get down from the cloud that I felt I was on. I continue to just want to describe how I felt. There was a sense of easy, of comfort. A feeling of knowing, and knowing the person as if forever. I also thought that my feelings were being mirrored, as though everything I was emoting, he was feeling it in the same way. It was singly the most profound adult experience of my life. It terrified and elated me at the same time. I saw myself as I always do, as separate and apart, yet also as a partner with this person. I felt as though I could do anything. Issues that had been annoying me and challenging me for ages, just slipped away, unobserved. I no longer felt stumped by anything I thought about that seemed a problem. Even in the face of his issues, I felt that I could and 'we' would meet the issues head on. I had no doubts at all. I knew that I and 'we' could just take things one step at a time.I also felt a deep desire to get to know him and let him know me through conversations that we would make time for. I felt so happy. Then, I was faced, like Icarus with a sudden realization that I was crashing to Earth. Very quickly the clouds parted and the earth no longer seemed friendly. I was coming into cold reality. I had to dig deep and look at all of the things I have told myself and agreed about and internalized. I got to this place with my eyes wide open. But I didn't know that I was still healing, and I certainly didn't know how much healing I needed...and as a saying I recently read goes, " Love doesn't find you a success, love finds you in a mess." Is so accurate. I fought very hard with my doubts to be able to feel happy. You see, not only had I not experienced love for real, I also hadn't experienced being fully accepted for all of me. When I thought about how could I have fallen so hard, so fast, and I knew that it was because he was so giving...the dam broke and I saw just how much I have given, and given and given in every relationship I have had. To the point where I hid a lot of myself. This is why The Towers's behavior was so intolerable for me. He was able to show me exactly what I did not and could not want. -end of part 1-

in conclusion

Sometimes I could feel thrown to the wolves, sometimes I could feel that no amount of trying mattered. I am my own complex bubble of elements making up who I am, and I have to be gentler on my soul. It may take a moment to feel settled again, and to project better. I faced a lot of emotions coming at me at once. What I need to write is a clear statement about what happens now. Clearly a lot of cobweb has been cleared from my mind. I am looking toward much better on every level of my life now. I have had enough of the taking a thimble to a waterfall and saying thank you for sustaining me. I ask now. I get centered and I know to say, hey, yes, I intend on doing many things in my life and here is what I require to do it. Love, commitment,joy,health,money,peace of mind...whatever it is...I am ready and grateful for it all.

and oh...

It was so odd, I had been listening to affirmations, and then wrote a whole lot of shit about my ex and hooking up and then researching the cons of even considering something like that...and BAM, I literally bumped into someone who marked me, and had a play down pat for seducing me. It is kinda hilarious and cosmically crappy all at once. Here I am, just keeping away from any semblance of a relationship. I see myself as a failure for having tried. I stopped doing anything about anyone coming around me, and no one had. Then this person shows up and I feel all lovey dovey. I was floating on a cloud for a hot minute. The way I found myself feeling should be bottled. I didn't even know a man could make me feel that way! I wonder now if that was me, him, us or just chemistry (lust) Who wouldn't want to feel those things! Shit! People feel it every day and go on to have relationships. I so wanted to feel all of that. I hadn't felt that way in an extremely long, long,long time. In the last century actually. That sort of connection, where you want to see the person again, and you want to talk with them late at night. You like touching them for no reason whatsoever. You just feel that you know them. Your physical connection is bananas! Your out of control and you love it! You suddenly want to go and do all sorts of things that you normally would say no to. You project that person and yourself into the future, seeing them from a happy place. When ones life is filled with work and how to get a better salary, and debts as the thing you wake up to every day, it is very easy for a moment to want those fluffy clouds.Want to believe that the dreamy looking person telling you the sensual things you want to hear is not a murdering, psychopathic, bisexual, polygamous whore. But a divine creature, a lotto win in a world filled with booby prized, severely flawed people who don't seem to change. Yet, everyone seems peered off with the right person and damn happy because Facebook and Instagram keep making them look that way...so its only you who happens to be the odd man out. Your the problem. Lol. I saw many things differently in the last few weeks because of the "love flu" that I had for that hot minute.Suddenly my ex didn't seem such an issue to bother my pretty little head about. I had a delicious distraction. My circumstances became bearable. I was focusing on the future, hard! I was feeling all mellow,and pretty and happy and dancing around inside my head. It was divine. I even found that I didn't feel like eating at all...and when I did, it was something super healthy. This was good. As good as good can get. I began to see myself anew. I could move out, I could work with this dazzling person who bumped into me...and we could do a whole lot of stuff together because it was now WE as opposed to me and him. I was actually feeling all of that fushizzle. My mind felt so awake. After using it for so much worry and anxiety for so damn long, it felt cleaned out and replaced with pastel colors. Lol. I searched all the spaces in my thoughts for things that stumped me or felt bad and hurtful and came up with every exotic flower and a smile instead. It was fucking awesome!!! Who could have thought it! Certainly not me. I am writing it down because I really don't want to forget it. There are things that I want to retain and use and duplicate if I can. I don't know what life has to offer, but for a moment, I could see that everything can change in such an amazing way and I want to keep on that road.

realizations

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing on this planet? What my consciousness is meant for. Everyone wonders this of course. But sometimes for me, I get really down in the philosophy of things because of the way things may turn out. A few weeks ago I bumped into someone, or they bumped into me, and I thought that I might just have been struck by Eros, or at least one of the cherubs. For whatever reason, they said and did everything to reel me in, and on top of everything else they were also quite physically appealing...ok, hot! I admit it. I am so loathe to admit that! Long story short, it was a hook up. I wasn't sure about it, but that is what it was. I know, I should know what a hook up looks like, but I don't. I never had a hook up in high school or in college for that matter. Now, I am kinda relieved that it was what it was because it would have been difficult to factor this guy into my life in any real way. But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that there were some things that I really, really like and would like more of in my life.The BEST parts of it of course, cause now I am on my guard again about what I say and what I mean! I was extremely attracted to the confidence. That hit it out of the ballpark for me. No doubt about it. Loved that! I loved the talking to me in present and present continuous! Real slick of this player, no doubt. I loved the eye contact and the really settling in to listen to me and act like what I was saying actually mattered. Lol. I loved the calling and sounding really sensual on the phone and saying the right amount of things...not too much, like how are you? How was your day? Your job, your family... the expected stuff, but again, said from the standpoint of warmth in the interest. His sexting game was delicious, but I didn't get to experience much of it. But the little that I did was wonderful. Part of me finds it hard to be putting myself out there to meet anyone. The flip side of all of this roses and birdies was that I had super moments of vulnerability. Suddenly questioning myself on all levels for whether I am good enough, and that was painful. I am still sort of dealing with that. I would say that that would have made it impossible to have let the hook up happen at all, it could because I worked at suspending my negative self talk. I still have work to do about that. That is why I am here tonight. This negative attitude that I am carrying around now is a bore. I am really fed up with myself where this is concerned. I have so many things to do that matter to me, and this is getting in the way of having a happy time at anything. I am self conscious, I am bogged down with negative expectations underneath all of the real work that I am doing to do better, and I am exhausted. I realized that today when I actually took a nap at one o'clock in the afternoon. I attracted a smoking hot player and we hooked up. Does that sound like I am all those dreadful things I tell myself? Can I use those two opposites in a sentence and justify myself? That was kinda wack?! That was downright silly. I feel as I do, and I have written this before...I feel this way because of the gradual whittling down of my character by people I loved and care about. The other self criticisms are cosmetic things that truly I can manage in time, and if I am unappealing to others because of it, then, so be it. I don't believe that they are so severe that I should become a shut in. Furthermore, I see so many people with their odd, quirky issues and I don't hold it against them, so I believe that my discomfort has to do with long term criticism. Now said, I learned from this 'player' that I am ready to have relationships. I finally got past the resistance. He was so good at his game that I actually thought that it might not be a hook up but a real possible romantic something, something that could develop...with a lot of work, but still. Lol. Again, this is getting a bit long, so I shall continue this in the next post.

turvy topsy

Whatever vibe sent me to this site awhile back, and had me speculating about a man coming into my life in the future...well, there is one that has just literally bumped into me, and although its very new, he is already making it clear to me that he wants to set a big impression about himself. This situation has me confronting some things that tell me that it is very easy to write all that I wrote in theory, but a real live guy in my presence is nothing like it was with The Towers and Frequent Flyer. I think that in both those cases, I could be more cavalier because I had no expectations. Now, because of those experiences, I am filled with thoughts of what I do not want to experience. My first thought is, you don't fucking know me,so, how can you be so enthusiastic and persuasive? I get instantly suspicious. As I think makes perfect sense.What is he seeing is my first thought, and then I stop, because there shall be NO I wonder what he's thinking... with me this time. That's an old construct. This person shows me that I have come to a place where I am not going to jump when I have feelings that are fed...my ego fed. I am writing this now because I see from a different perspective now. This guy bumps into me, he has a lovely singing voice and you can't ignore how he looks.He also has his lyrics down very well.It also turns out that we are in similar creative fields. I put the breaks on at the fact that he's like twelve years younger than I. I start going down a list of why I do not want to know anyone who isn't going to take the time to be my friend, and clearly that takes time. The early meetings, the calling, texting, the degree of comfort felt... The belief that the person is living up to the image that you have in your mind of what this illusive perfect partner should look and act like.Are all in play, all in the consciousness. I can see now that when people meet, there is a degree of belief that has nothing to do with the person. That person is put in a halo. So, damn, people start from a very unrealistic place. Knowing this means for me that it is important to not encourage a man to get all fast and loose with you. Whatever the attraction or pull, it does not mean that I want to ignore all of the delicious sensations newness can bring. it is just that I am automatically cautious, and I have the experience now to ask myself, in what way is this man coming into my life now? Who am I now? What body of thoughts brought him floating into my life? Those are the things that I am looking at now, and I am also looking at what I do want, and have said I want, against who is coming into my life now. I am also doing this compare and contrast with my goals against my plans. In this instance where work is concerned, I like, because I can hone my short and medium term options. The day I met this new person...and I stated awhile back that I would stop giving people nicknames, but I need to give him one. Let me think. Lol. I checked his birthday because he checked my site and decided to talk to me about it...quite ballsy I have to say...so, he isn't moving true to form of that sign. I need to just write and ponder what is coming through me right now.

Between yesterday and today, I have had a few experiences that I want to put here. I saw the guy again and he let me know that he was not trying to pressure me, and that no one has to know our business...etc, etc. It was so awkward that I was not in a position to tell him that I was not interested in going out with him. Then this afternoon, I actually saw him on my way home. I never see him when I am traveling! I had a long meeting to go to that lasted from eleven to three-thirty. I did not expect it to go that long, and I met someone at the meeting who turned out to be very interesting. She started an online business, and we chatted all the way to my stop. Then, as I was getting out of the station to get a taxi, there was a guy walking behind me, a bit in my personal space. I turned to look at him because he was singing and his voice was quite lovely. He was very close to me as I mentioned before, and I got the opportunity to actually look at him. He was very striking, tall, with distinctive eyes. I needed to do something across the street and saw a friend of mine and we got into a bit of a chat, so when I crossed the street again, I was not expecting him to suddenly appear and give me a big complement. It was unusual. I felt so odd that I began to laugh. Then I returned his complement by telling him that he has a nice singing voice. He was outrageously flirting with me. I felt as though I was in an alternative universe, it was so instant. We stood talking and he asked me for my number, but I took his instead. Then I felt someone looking at me. I turned and it was my sisters ex-boyfriend who is here for a week from New York. I introduced him and then he and I started catching up. I got into a taxi finally, and he did as well. He did not pay for me and I did not stop out at my house. It had been a very emotionally intense day, the weather and then the people I dealt with today...it was a lot. I felt like I needed a moment to process everything. Meeting that guy, I don't know what to make of it? Is he sincere? The amount of attention paid me...and the asking for my number, just like yesterday too, where I did not give him my number either...I know what to expect, and I bring my experience to the moment. I told the guy today that I would not give him my number because I am working and I am divorced and not interested in meeting men right now. He was not deterred by my statement. He was quite smooth, telling me that he was taken with me and would like to just talk with me more, and get to know me. Ok. You are laying it on, aren't you! Men do one of two things where I am concerned, they either come on real strong or they try to play it low key in an attempt to seem cool. I know that I can engage any man in a conversation where I leave him interested to speak to me again. I can discuss almost any topic you throw at me, and I am a listener, so that and eye contact followed by actually finding their jokes funny...that does it. That is not an issue that I have with men. I like men. I am not intimidating or stuck up, so I am very relaxed and myself. My issue comes when a man is not being straight with me when we are getting to know each other...as happened with The Towers. He spent years Skyping me and then sent mixed messages that were just exhausting and damn boring...completely time wasting. My experience today brought up for me some issues that I have to deal with about myself. This guy seemed overly exuberant. He didn't seem insincere, but my experiences have really left me more jaded than I thought I was. I do not know what it would take to make me comfortable? Perhaps it would have to be a very, very slow movement to friendship, where he really shows me who he is. I wouldn't want to be judging the person, looking and expecting something that I need to red flag. My experiences have been that a great deal of time is spent knowing each other...talking a lot,going out...at my age, men have sex clearly imprinted on their faces. Its kinda sad actually. I can't get used to that fact. Thinking that the Architect and I could become friends in the vein of my deceased partner was the last disappointment. I clearly still believe in love and have my views of it. But actually going through relationships, is something else altogether, and that is what I am writing about now.