What has happened, as I expected, has been such a big shock to me that I know that I shall tack back again and again. But one of the things coming to mind tonight is the first time we actually went out. He didn't eat anything and when the bill came, I paid because his card was declined. At the time I remember thinking that that was embarrassing and unfortunate. From then on I think that that situation cemented the way things would go. I am despondent. I want to shout to the heavens, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!! I mind my own business, I keep to myself. I speak with you online for years. Or I know you for years....or I meet you again after years....some weirdness insues. Not the fraud, but one type of fraud or the other. Your married, your separated, your divorcing or your looking for a woman to marry. I know that I am not the only woman going through challenges with men, but Jeezan ages man!There is a joke that says it can turn a woman into a Lesbian. But being with another woman will not suddenly make wack behaviour go away. The Lesbians I know are no happier. I am certain that there are millions upon millions of people in the world who are happily in love, on their second marriage,growing old together. My cousin is marrying for the first time now that her son is an adult. She's happy. I know of someone who got married for a third time and is now having a baby and she is very happy. Everyone has ups and downs. But I find that my experiences are over the top! It could have been worse though. I could have fallen in love with him and believed in him and supported his financial goals. I could have unwittingly been involved in one of his schemes. I shudder at the very thought of it. I think that I should be grateful for what I do not have and extremely grateful for what I do have.

in the news

The story broke today and he was even stripped of his Doctorate, if he ever had one. He isn't even being called Mr.Towers. I did not sleep well, I had the flu and I was also thinking about him. I wondered what will become of him? He will still be a relatively young man when he leaves jail. But the time taken and ill gotten gains taken from him will wash with the things that may have been genuine hard work. My next step now is to retrieve my property. But that is a story for another time. I am still shocked by this chapter of his book. I never saw this coming.

I was talking to a young man of twenty-four that I know, and he was telling me of the girl he loved that "got away." I have found that men always seem to have one. In this instance, he painted her as this bright, ambitious person, and he said that she did her best to try to help him to straighten up his life, but eventually she had to leave him and focus on herself. I let him know that if she appeared before him now and decided to take him back, they would still not work out, because she would still have the same needs and he would still be in the same position, not wanting to change. ......... I found that what I told him resonated with me, and low and behold, my sister sent me a What's App message about someone from her past contacting her. It turned out to be the guy she had travelled last year to see, the same one who she was so in love with for years, whom she supported in so many ways. He let her down when she came home by just not being around and not preparing in any way for her to visit him. She put up with it, and then when she came home again, the second time he didn't even see her at all, after telling her that he was going to do better. My sister was blown away by the gravity of disregard he showed her. She did her best to brush it off, and fortunately she had lots of things to do, but the disappointment stung and hurt like hell. Things that my sister should go for, that perfectly mirror her when you meet her, like a great conversationalist, a steady, career driven, clean cut and handsome guy, he was none of that. he is a short,high school dropout,hustler. She liked him because at the time he seemed attentive, genuine and in awe of her. He saw her bullshit and she loved that. ........... So, imagine, after not contacting her at all, splashing her pictures all over his gram and when she arrives, removing them and putting his new girlfriend on it instead and saying she's actually the love of his life.... he contacts her months later. He has very little charge on his phone he writes, and his apology is weak and pointless. .......... Something the young man said to me made me think of what my sister went through. he said that he wished he could run away or go back in time. The flight and flight reflex of some men is a head shaker.Not fight and flight. Maybe because women get pregnant and cannot abandon their responsibilities so easily as a whole makes us less likely to run when things seem difficult. I am sure in both instances, the 24 year old and the 41 year old...the ages of both men...they oddly do not see themselves as being responsible for their actions. The younger man in particular. He sounded as though he was drugged into making the choices he made. He couldn't even admit that he just didn't want to be told what to do to his improvement. He just saw it as nagging and asking way too much of him. Lol. Does it even make sense to try to understand such thinking and actions of some men? The Towers engaged me for years. I had to cut off any interest in him when he could not be straight with me about some simple things, and my instincts kicked in and I refused to allow him to waste my time for another second romantically. What concerns me about these stories is that I ask why does it have to be so hard for women? Or even men? I hear so many people just asking for communication, respect and love. How damn hard is that?

||||||||

I have never actually known anyone who has gone to jail. Tonight when I think about The Towers I still cannot believe what has happened. I was on his sites on Facebook, looking at all the lack of activity there now. My mind goes back to the last few encounters with him. I feel sad about this. Tonight he is possibly behind bars, and has been behind bars since last year. No one has known what has been going on with him, or at least those who know do not know me. Quite a few people were looking to me to provide answers. I ask myself can his reputation be salvaged? He is not going to be in jail forever!This is such a major shock, I am writing in a way to curtail the aftershocks of this news that I got only yesterday. He has lost his rights. He cannot go out in one of his several cars. He can't choose a bedroom in one of his houses.He is now reduced to one item of clothing for a specific period of time in a place that he undoubtedly never prepared himself for. I think that I should write to him when I know where he is and perhaps even send him a care package. I cannot imagine what he may be going through. I remember being so impressed with his accomplishments at his age. I felt that he had the where with all to simply work hard and miraculously land on his feet. I never got the impression that he was not respected and admired,probably even envied. He drove me crazy, cunfuffled me about certain aspects of his emotional life and business, and so I distanced myself from him. But I really tried to remain friends and then, colleagues.I concluded that we were just very different, and the red flags that I spotted were for me to spot. Now, I ask myself, what was all of his actions about? I still do not know the full story and I don't know if I ever will. Will I really write to him and would he actually reply? It is early days yet. Who was he? So many things checked out? I met his family. We talked for years!I never profess to know anyone, and thank goodness for that. But still! OMG! Who the hell was he? For me, the things he did to make me pull away all came from my instinct. I even remember telling him very early when I had the first inkling that we were not going to work out, that thee is an undercurrent with people. For now I would call it a resonance. You have patterns that just happen because you agree that you want to spend time with the other person. You notice all of the subtle and not so subtle things. You know they will call. You know when they will. You know their schedule. You pick up on their moods. These things are present without having to speak about it. You just have a flow. He established that and then got weird with me. I found that he began to try to control me and I instantly recoiled from any attempt by him to do it. He really made me conscious of how much I refuse to go through anything like that in my life again. He also left me pondering about his very presence in my life. I must have written about it here many times. On paper, he represented everything that I would desire in a romantic partner. But somehow, after all was said and done, we were not compatible. I found that for important questions about his love life he was cagey and bizaare, making me assume that he was bisexual...I never thought married. That never occurred to me. there was no suggestion even remotely that he did not live alone. It's also odd....my ex and Frequent Flyer prepared me for The Towers. I thought that he seemed to be making himself such a friend to me that after three years, when we finally met again, I thought that he was a single man and that all of his attempts to get to have a relationship with me, maybe, he was someone to start one with. I was dissuaded of that very quickly. I can even say that he prepared me for juliemangoman....because I said to myself, I took a very long time to go out with The Towers. I saw that all of my old beliefs about the kind of man I was interested in proved to not actually be what I thought I wanted. Now, I am just bewildered by every move I have ever made! He has been told that he has to make restitution for his fraud.Who knows what went wrong in this promising and actually high achieving man's life to make him this person I read about yesterday? end of part 1 of 2

and then the worm turns

Where to even start tonight?Last night I had the flu and I also had some work to get to. Just as I picked up the fist thing, I noticed that someone was frantically writing to me on Facebook. At first I was a bit annoyed, as I was sneezing and anxious to get the work done. But I was curious because it was clear that it was serious. Nothing could have prepared me for what came next. I may have written awhile back about The Towers Missing In Action and that at first I didn't take it seriously, but that the person who contacted me was writing to me in a way that peaked my curiosity and made me conclude that something definitely was amiss with him. That was in May 2017. She sent me an article from a newspaper that covers locals living abroad, and it was dated two days before my birthday, this year and the explosive headline spoke about a fellow citizen busted for fraud on the scale of United States dollars three million. My heart started to race as I saw his name and read more of the short write up on his mis-dealings. He has defrauded twenty-four banks and he is scheduled to be sentenced for his crime that he admitted he did! The details are shocking! But then I was in for a further shock when the girl mentioned that he has a wife! A wife! I asked him constantly about his personal life, his romantic life! He never let on to me and I never saw any indication that he was married! As I write this, I am still stunned by this turn of events. At the very most, I thought that he may have met with foul play. I never imagined that he was the fowl! My family are shocked! I am writing this here, but clearly, I shall be bringing this up again and again in the future, particularly when I know more.

more on work

So now my week is really packed. I have to be more strategic than ever. But I believe that this has happened so that I pay attention every day to my incremental steps toward all that I want to accomplish. Even today,it is my one day off, but I did a few things for work that I just had to get to. I am not finished, but at least I got a head start. I am also making some decisions on the way that I am going to eat. This week I got sick on Thursday because I am not having breakfast and almost nothing for lunch. When I get home its a cup of coffee and maybe something small because I am tired. That couldn't go no, and it started with sneezing and escalated to feeling dizzy and feverish. I am already run down. Next week I have to really make an effort to make myself some soups and salads. I am determined to do the two projects that I set out to do and I have three personal ones along with that to also accomplish. My plate is very, very full indeed. But I like the planning, the setting goals, the opportunity to see things flourish from a germ of an idea to an outright activity and met goal. So I am syched by it all.

I got a call yesterday from my superior. They are in a serious jam and needed "someone' to help them. I decided to step forward and assist in any way that I can. Our contracts have not come in as yet, and the person said that they would have to make whatever adjustments to my salary. I don't know whether that means that the promotion that I was promised is now being held up, or whether this new emergency request made of me is one where it would be added. I should know soon. It is a bit vexing to be nail biting about this matter. Last week I let the cat out of the bag about my status in the most unexpected way. I let slip that I assisted with a project and two of my colleagues looked at each other and one replied with surprise. Just as I said it, I realized that I was in trouble. It is so funny. I want to stave off ass kissing and back biting as much as I can. But really, I do not have any control over the way people who are reasonable and polite with me today will behave tomorrow? What I am doing though is getting out my suggestions for projects that i have discussed over the last few years anyway. If they come forward and choose to be part of them, is up to them. I shall find ways to get them done. What all of this means is that I have given myself some challenges. My plate is overflowing. But I am determined to see that at least one or two things happen before the year is over...promotion or not.

There are moments in my life that I spent by myself and experience great satisfaction from observing my world and being alone with my thoughts. Today on the bus into the city, I found that I was getting into the usual what if I had done this or said that, and I told myself that that is all well and good. But whatever relationship I have in the future, there are some things that I have learned from the last one. One of them is to be mindful that whatever is happening is a result of choices on both parts. Sure I can think that this was thought and believed. But I will always be speculating. It may be normal to do it, but what I am doing when I do that is unknowingly giving the other person credit for what is coming from me. What I am probably stating badly is that I find that I get into a blame spiral. I think somehow that I was not good enough. I feel that way particularly when I have no answer to what happened. Now, I'd say that my responsibility is to keeping myself interesting and interested in my wellbeing. Certainly when something I have liked comes to an end, I reflect and can be emotional about it. Some things can hit you harder than others, death is a big one. There is no ignoring that. Here's the thing. It is imperative to know that I am good enough for myself. When I am confidant there is no better feeling in the world. The level of clarity that comes to me is sublime. I asked myself what was I meant to learn this time around? I already know that I went counter to ALL of my tight assed list of requirements. I went out of my comfort zone. I took a huge risk. I surrendered. I considered actually having a 'real' relationship with someone extremely different. I saw that I could be very open and non-regimental. I didn't need to know a whole lot of facts or interests. I went with the flow. There was an interesting dichotomy too. On the one hand I felt complete trust, joy and confidence. I also felt insecure about myself at certain times, even shy. New territory was facing me and I was willing to tread the waters. My business ideas and projects suddenly felt very realistic to do and complete because I felt that here was someone who would work with me...work on there own things and be supportive of me. It was just a feel good thing that I had going on and I am grateful for it. I didn't like the lack of contact though. I don't need to speak every day or every other day. but I do need to know how your doing at some point. That was wack, and now I gather why it was like that. I also experienced today some people I know talking about financial issues. The kind of moneys some people spend on certain things boggle the mind, and they do it. It validated for me the need to continue to do what I am doing. I will get thee is the end...hopefully sooner.

Oh, hello

One of the good things that I rely on myself for,is that I can be very focused. I am not easily distracted. If I am, it is because I want to do many things, and finally, I have been able to organize myself better where that is concerned. I have come to understand that in order to do it all, I have to treat myself like I would a student. Lol. I have to break things down into modules and increments and compartmentalize things where I really give everything I want to do some time...small bits of time...but consistent time. The way I used to behave when I had to read something complex for an assignment. It doesn't mean that things are not difficult, or a long process of try and try again. I still feel all of the anxiety and worry, sadness and hope and anything else that comes to visit me and keep me mired in doubt. Its just that I am familiar with everything I feel now. I know what it does and I know how it prevents me from achieving what I set out to do. Now, I can say, Oh, hello. I see you. Sit down a minute, I may even let you drone on for a spell. But guess what? I shall also be working while you talk. Ha! Take that! I think that I learned that from talking to my friend who makes demands on me sometimes....she and my neighbor who call and go on and on about their lives. When they do that, it is inevitable that it becomes my problem too. By listening and giving support, I take on the problem. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I empathize, But sometimes, its way too much and I have begun to put a stop to that. I cannot give all of my energy. I need it for myself.

sponge

When I got up this morning I stayed in bed a few minutes longer to just think about my day. I do that every so often. Today I started a bit down. The day before one or two things just felt so heavy for me. From the usual feeling that my weekend is spent alone, to getting email from a colleague who wants me to do some project for free. It was just enough to make me want to cry and scream at the same time. But as I have been writing, when I get like this, I no longer wallow in the emotion. I instead see it, feel it and assess what it can actually do to propel me out of its depths. However, some residue lingered. So I was in bed and I said to myself that with all of the things that yet again tell me that I should just take a walk to the cemetery and wait....as my mom says when she hears someone being hopeless....I can assess my circumstances and see what I should do next. It was interesting the way that my plans presented themselves to me. If I could film it, my perminant list of projects and goals popped into my head and spun around in their little spaces....lol. I saw how much I have wanted to get many of my plans off the ground and all the stalls and stumbles I have made over the years. I saw how much support and money seemed to completely derail anything I desired to do. Then to add to everything, I saw the way money just challenged my very ability to survive. The compromises to my very health because I was in court for years. Why get out of bed? I saw how even the one or two chances for love in my life mocked me too. It was so easy to fall back into the den of hopelessness. So very easy.Everything was so palpable that of course, they were all old friends. This was how it is. How to transcend these experiences? What to do? I have been here over and over and over again! I waited. Slowly, painfully slowly, my mind turned over. Look differently, I heard myself think. It is because you are at rock bottom again that you can see the horizon....and I nearly cried. I am not down for the count. I am still breathing. There is HOPE. There is HOPE.

Last night I was speaking with the Spartan. His views on women he has met in my country are disparaging. So much so that I have asked him to tone down or stop telling me about it altogether. meanwhile, I also had to tell him to stop talking about my physical attributes. This is typical of a certain kind of man who has been through a rough time. But equally, as a woman, I would say that I too have found dating post divorce to be extremely weird to say the least and mostly disappointing. I have concluded that at my age, I am going to meet damaged, challenged men walking right off the battlefield, all bloodied and PTSD(ed). Lol. I notice that the women I speak to complain about the same thing that men I know complain about. But somehow, they are not meeting each other. With all of the online dating sites out there, this is a surprise. I know many wonderful, beautiful women. I also know some very nice, kind and loving men. So what gives? Yet, the Spartan's words grate against my nerves. Somehow when he delivers some of his comments, I observe that he cannot gain my regard as juliemangoman had absolutely no problem with doing. It is amazing! I have come across this before. The Towers said something to me that made me storm out of his million dollar apartment that Frequent Flyer would say completely differently and get me wrapped up emotionally. It is so funny the way delivery, meaning, elegance, chemistry all play into how one person succeeds and another does not. However, I am writing about The Spartan from the perspective of his victimhood on the one hand and his arrogance on the other. He admits that when he was a younger man he was wild. But now that he has met a younger woman by at least twenty years, he wants to bad talk her in the worst way, saying she mislead him. I am getting the story in dribbles, but it is coming out. He was in such a lather about what she did to him. But when I tried to ask him about his part in the whole thing, he is less inclined to consider his responsibility to himself. We are all looking for love, for companionship. We all want someone to understand us, talk with, share things about ourselves, our day to day issues. Someone to have a laugh with. To empathize when we are crying, hurt or angry. Companionship is a powerful thing. I know that when juliemangoman touched me, I realized I was in serious trouble because I had not been embraced for real in so long that the very nature of being held by a man, far less one smelling as he was and how tall he was, I was lost in his arms and I wanted to hold on. The idea that I was reacting that way, could come across as desperate sad to say. I was instantly aware of it and scared to death that I could be "one of THOSE women..it is natural to feel and to react,but in our world right now, its seen as too much from a woman, so despite what you want to do. the truth is that a woman still should play games with men. There is no equality there. I wish I could say otherwise. But it seems that it is still hinged in game playing. I resist, you pursue. But the funny thing is that when most women resist when they are older, it is because they really are not interested in the man at all. It is a fine balance. I see nothing wrong with showing your feelings and putting your truth out in the open. Answer questions, say what you want...be confident. Do not play on a man's playing field, play on your own is a saying I have. I adhere to it still. But I would say that despite my confidence, this last time, I was met with more than I could intellectualize. Damn! I was a blubbering mess! Lol and damn!!Sometimes it is just how it is. Its kinda great to know that with all you feel you know, there is always something that turns what you know on its ear.

I have gone through a few things yesterday that I want to sort out here.I know that I have had to adjust my behavior suddenly. I have decided to not fight my feelings or tamp them down. So far I find that it has worked well. What I started with yesterday, was a resolute sense of things. But it was much more. I was actually able to see my moods in a detached way. Gone was some of the angst and the type of thoughts that would hold me captive in a way that would be like an undercurrent of emotion that followed me around like background noise. Then I was online and he was also and I posted something to poke at him and he read it. What became clear to me was that despite how much I am moving on and more stoic, I was suddenly faced with a rush of emotions that I cannot keep from escaping like water from a dam. I have to just let everything happen, and that is a challenge to me. All of my experience with juliemangoman has been to me, about losing my tight grip on logic and control. It is a truly vulnerable thing for me to experience, and also an amazing feeling...because with it has come so much learning that I have appreciated. That is partly why I find difficulty with carving him up and being nasty about his character. I genuinely felt at my core a calmness amidst all of the tumult of emotion swirling around me. It was as though I experienced him on a chemical level, which is most likely the case. So, I was resolute about what I feel and the fact that I cannot sit and mope.But also,there is an awareness that every experience is not the same. I may be dealing with every stereotype in our characters, but equally, at every moment one has the opportunity to see ones actions from an adjusted perspective and thus, survive the slings and arrows if you are stealthy enough. Who is to say who is right and who is wrong? So much time is spent naming and shaming. What about feeling and being? It isn't easy, not by a long shot to shift perspective, but it is very do-able. I come to my space today because the minute I decided to be naughty, and my thoughts were all in place, my old feelings were also still very much there. That is only to be expected, but still, I was conflicted. I tested myself. If we were to speak now, what would I do and how would I feel? It is there that I saw my biggest growth at least in theory. I have repeatedly said that we need to talk, and then become tongue tied and completely forgetful of my intentions. But now, if that were to happen,that is what I would want to do.

How I survived

By remembering what I love to do anyway. Remembering that this is but a moment and the show isn't over By respecting that I have many wonderful and helpful memories By still being excited about my future By being grateful By helping others with their issues By being able to enjoy simple things By letting go

the ironies of life

I have met someone who has been contacting me every day, sometimes two and three times. I appreciate the interest, but I have made it very clear that I am not interested in them romantically. I shall call him the Spartan. I feel odd about the whole thing, but I can tell that this person is in for the long haul. Part of me is a bit angry about it. I want to complain that I don't need someone coming around me trying to be friendly and friends, when I know that they are not going to wear me down for romance. I am not attracted to him, even remotely. I do appreciate his mind, his professional experience at his work and he is a very nice person. No doubt about it. But to me, I cannot fake chemistry. I didn't feel it with The Towers and tried to intellectualize a possible relationship to disasterous effect....But,at the time I did think that he met all of my intellectual ideas of the right person for me. So if the Spartan thinks that he can stick around and I will eventually give in he is going to be damn disappointed. But then I am punched in the gut by the fact that it was the one thing that juliemangoman did not do, and now this person is more than doing it. It is as though you can't find one person to make you happy! It is mind blowing to be faced with so much fragmentation. I feel as though I should not dear wish for anything ever again, if the fates choose to have a good laugh at my expense.Which they seem to be falling over on the floor crying with mirth about my downfalls. You want to meet someone to love for life. Fate decides that that sentence is flawed, so it gives you a rougeish looking drug addict wearing a tee shirt with the word LIFE on it for example. You want to meet the love of your life. He's looking at you with deep intense passion while holding the hand of his pregnant wife. Shit like that! As a child I always imagined that there are superior beings watching us individually and collectively like reality tv. Every being on their planet watches us as a sort of entertainment and betting factor. We really have no ultimate say. But, whether this is true or not, venture one must. I see way too many happy, content couples to believe that it isn't possible to find the person right for you. There is still hope.

I know nothing

The older I get the only guarantee I have is that I know nothing. However, I also have to write tonight that more and more I am getting with the understanding that everything that happens, everything that one can name and point at as a behavior or an issue in your life...when you listen to others with their challenges, I find that everything evens out to just life happening. You could be troubled. You could be content. Who is to say that anything is working? Who is to say that a negative thing isn't for the very best for you? It is all about perspective and the ability to rally in the face of both success and failure. Sure you can beat yourself bloody about what went wrong and how short sighted, misguided you were. That is a natural reaction. It is about what you can manage ultimately in your life. I really believe that you get what you can envision. Also, I think that everything we see in the media and hear from friends and family are only guides. Your life is yours and it is ultimately up to you to make the conclusions for yourself in this life.

green eyes

The most unusual thing is happening. I am expecting a promotion at work, but it requires some patience. While I wait, I have been noticing that my co-workers are sending me some snide remarks doing some fishing about me. The moment things shift in the workplace, everyone closes ranks and literally sees how they can manoeuvre themselves for advantage. Now, before it is even announced, people are trying to kiss my ass and its weird! I feel embarrassed by the obvious pandering and I am doing everything I can to deflect from little things that show that I am one wrung up from them. These are people who yesterday were basically vanilla with me,now pouring chocolate all over me. Lol. What I have to do is to look at what's next on the totem pole because those at the top don't trust each other either and are always snipping about what their colleagues aren't doing. So I shall study the role anyway.At the end of the day it really does not matter who or what the characters are all about...what matters is doing work well and efficiently. That's what counts in the end...and enjoying your job.