down

I am feeling a bit down tonight. I miss my dad. Then, my ex-husband is at his usual crap again. As I write, I know that I shall be better. But just for now I feel as though the tide is way out, or as though all of the threads that keep me together have come apart.That is not the case, but it is just what I feel in this moment. I have to climb out of it one thought at a time. After all, it was a lovely day. Despite the one thing that has the world, or at least America up in arms and thus, all black people..the killing of George Floyd. As much as that pains, as much as the rage regarding that keeps one vigilant and resigned, the day was good. It was just coming down to tonight, my eyes hurt, the things that I struggle with just felt closer, and from that, it was so easy to slip into the skin of sadness. I get this foolish way where I want to believe that everything has gone pear shaped and somehow I am so helpless.But if I turn the idea around and look at it from another angle, then I could equally ask, what is it that I think I need, and the answer is always the same...a win of some sort. Something to make me feel better. It is a feeling that I have more loss than gain. That is all that it is, and usually, I would say to myself that a good night sleep is what I need, and I am right. But for now, this sinking , inky feeling is what I have and I shall live with it for now,as I know that it shall not last.

what about what you don't want

Everything was more or less good until something resonated the wrong way and then was left to fester. Who survives such foolishness unless someone else chooses to look past it? That was the case yesterday in London with Boris Johnson's Senior Advisor Dominic Cummings., whose coming and going was brought up for scrutiny in light of quarantine laws. Thus, the observation of before and after. What was the catalyst that sent a perfectly lovely experience into one of enmity? It suggests that no matter how high minded I want to appear to be, I too have my limits and standards regarding friendship, and that tells me that I reacted to something that I have a strong feeling about within myself. I like you as long as you like me? When you suddenly start finding fault, I become thin skinned. Why are you suddenly being so contrary? Why are you making demands on me? How can relationships just flow? They do? But then, we are always shifting and adjusting ourselves to slight and severe views that we aspire to. Thus all of this becomes amusing. What is the fight about? You didn't behave as I expected, so now I draw a big black marker over your head and shun you. Or you shun me and a thousand little cuts. What are we really protecting? Let me hurt you before you hurt me? Nobody wins this insane pretzel test!

attraction

So after my friend revealed her ass to me, A behavior I always heard her talk about, but never associated it with our friendship, I now wonder what else I need to learn from it? I just wrote about the pervasive disease of negative self beliefs. You do not need anyone else to help you feel badly, in fact, as hard as it is to acknowledge, you probably pull the people toward you who can help you agree with all of the crap you tell yourself. You choose relationships and then you get down to making it comfortable. If it is friendship, then it is based on similarities and structures that engage and entertain you. If it is love, then there is a sexual component along with compatibility. You have to accept some responsibility for the pleasures gained from the association.You say to yourself, my friend understands me, supports me...gets my moods and my quirks and likes me. I like them back. When you disagree, the relationship usually should be able to withstand the differences. What has happened to me, is that the echoes of things she has told me about the way she views and has treated her own family now resonates loudly in my ears as I am on the receiving end of her behavior. She represents herself as a victim. But not only is she not a victim, she is a very cunning predator. She contacted me yesterday and she asked me how I was doing and then got right into what she wanted from me. Yet again, I marveled at that. She had no qualms at all. She does this with her children to. They go out of their way to do whatever they can for her, but she nitpicks about what she feels was not done to her exacting requirements. How can someone ever be happy when all that they see is what they believe, they don't want or isn't exactly as they wan it? It is like, she wants $100. You give her $100 in $50,20,20,$10. She complains that you gave her two $20 and a $10. My God! What are you doing to yourself? What are you doing to your life? What sort of mental illness is this? OCD much!?! To me, that kind of behavior smacks of entitlement. That can get out of hand. It makes relationships become strained. What is all of that criticism about? The similarities between my ex-husband and her is so acute right now? Being so, I question why am I attracted to such people? You are supposed to attract what you are or what you need to work on...I read that somewhere once. I have definately been critical in my past. No doubt about it. I am now very self critical, and working on it all of the time, and seeing improvements and I am very excited and pleased about that. It is all about expectations and feeling that you do not control your life. (Which you really don't) But you also do control your world. You control the way you want to express yourself within it. Also, there is so much democracy in a situation. We reached an impasse because we both believe that our 'feelings' were not being acknowledged. The whole thing is mental! Really, really stupid! But it is real to both of us. This is getting rather long and I am not sure that my point is getting across...I shall make this two entries instead of one long one.

old constructs and new ways forward

The many issues I have faced since my Fathers' passing has kept me even more contemplative than ever. What is the point of it all crops up, and I do my best to stave off depression over his loss. There is a topic that I have been taking into account because of all of my feelings being so raw, and that is the way I have made some things in my life a great challenge over time by my own expectations. I look back now and see that I had opportunities to change where I am now into something so much easier to have been handled. But at that time, the thing itself seemed so insurmountable. What I must do for myself now is to be conscious that whatever I am facing now, I must do everything in my ability to not think that way again. Even when things seem impossible, and absolutely hopeless, the best thing to do is to at least put it down. Adding to the issue with negative views of yourself only creates more of it. You have to be there to see the thing through. Adding doom and gloom to the problem as I know now, is a sure fire way to stay in the muck. Observing what my friend did to me has been an excellent guide to seeing how a belief structure works. And, as I stated before, why would anyone in their right mind want to sabotage themselves? The bad feelings come up and they appear completely real. Before you know it, your walking around with it as though it was always part of your physical make-up. It gets into your pours. You see it in the mirror behind your smile. The very death it creates to all of your hopes, plans and dreams is astounding!I am guarding against that foe now, as it creeps up as such a supportive friend.

LOVE is real in friendship

A few days ago my mother and I were talking and something occured to me. it is obvious, but somehow, that moment made the thought quite poignant. We were looking at our family dynamic. Our family are seen as the most successful. Other members of my family are doing very well in my estimation. However, my parents have always been envied, and they ave been discussed behind their backs by other family members in my presence and the presence of my sister. Many times, together when we were children. No one dared say anything to my parents, but they took great pleasure in gossiping behind their backs. The gossip would be about who do we think we are? We have so and so, and our house is a castle and we feel we are so special. Naturally this colored our childhood and when we got older, my sister and I swore, along with one of our cousins, that we would NEVER do that to each other. My cousin was the first and only one to fold after making that promise. My sister and I have lived our lives by communicating with each other all the time. I can tell her anything and I do and she does that with me. If the topic is really sensitive, I tell her or she tells me that it is hard to talk about and we make the time and space to work on whatever is the challenge. So, we were talking about that, and suddenly I saw how much the belief that other people are having 'great' lives while you are not, is a fallacy. How do you even know this? Every person has challenges. I love that statement made by a dear family friend who said this about the Queen more than a decade ago. So, now, I am thinking about that, and taking it further when thinking about people who appear to have it all. They may have what may appear to be everything....house or houses, car or cars, access to all types of wealth...but they also can have mental illness, or loss of love or lack of. They may be lonely? Of course their are people very satisfied with their lives of all financial stripe as well, and that is successful. I had a student who showed me that at a time in his life where to me he had his plate filled with stresses. he got married during completing his degree. He and his wife lived with his parents and then when she got pregnant, they had to move to her family as his family started acting odd. One day I had taken the class out to one of our gorgeous hotels for a musical and artistic showing. At one point there was an intermission and the students were allowed to wonder around for half an hour. I found him looking at one of the really stunning views, just quiet and engaged. He turned to me and told me that he used to come to this very spot and look out at the world, so appreciative of the fact that he is alive within it. When he said that to me, my view of him increased to deep regard. I now know this Father of three soon to be adults and his wife, and I have seen him embrace life. i have seen him travel, and explore new things. I have seen his good attitude to life and to work. He makes me see in his small and not so small gestures, that it is always up to us to make it the best it can be and then some. It doesn't take money, it doesn't take luck, it doesn't take friends. It takes your attitude every single time. Of course he has had stumbles, he's had debt. he's had illness. But he has also had his faith and his joy in being alive and I appreciate him tremendously. PS: I tried to tell him how much he means to me a few years ago, and what I mean to him floored me. I was so moved by his regard for me that I nearly cried. It is important for me to write this now, particularly in regard to the challenges I look at as such.

Corona Virus relationships

Trying to get my friend to communicate what her views were against what mine were has proven to be a disaster. What I have come to notice is that I am now in the que of people she used to talk to me about. Where did I ever consider that I was somehow not perceived as she does everyone else? In the past I would literally tell her that I am not one of her old friends. I would not tell her things that I didn't mean, lie to her or pretend with her. I have worked very hard to make her see that I am willing to give her hard truths when she asks, but more so, I go the distance by helping her through the difficulty to the other side. However, I have now come to the place where that is the past. In fact, I am a bit relieved. It has been at a cost for me as her friend. It has been exhausting to re-assure her, and to support her, only to occassionally see her go down her path of self-destruction. All of this feels like the Covid-19 virus as friendship. I am stressed, dismayed, because I am in mourning for my dad, and her attitude is selfish and callous as far as I can see. As long as I am helping her with her projects (that fortunately we worked a cost out for) her sensitivity to me is zero. But I have been there before with her on these pages. She told me that that was who she was when she talked about other people and her issues with them. What made me think that I was special? I thought that we met on a mental level of mutual respect and consideration. I thought that we looked out for each other and had great communication and would be able to be real and true. But that was the relationship I shared with my darling friend who died and saw her as his replacement. Well I can wail to the Heavens now to say to him, you were absolutely wrong, she is nothing like you!!!! They shared the same birth date, but she is nothing like him at all, and I never compared them. So what now? I tried to get to a place in the conversation that I had to bring up, that we are at an impass with the discussion, and we need to work it out if we are to go forward in our friendship. I felt as though I was speaking Swahili. She is hell bent on holding her ground. So, for me, I have no intention of trying to make her see my point of view. It is a waste of time. She argued this way weeks ago regarding her rent and her children, so I can now see that happening with me as the same result. At the time she said that she would not apologize, she's a grown woman and she isn't going to back down no matter who is right. That I did react too by telling her how could things improve with her family relationships if that was her way of thinking! Now I see that that is part of her character. What all of this has also done for me is to make me look at what is said and how one behaves against that complaint. Her actions rally are cautionary, everything she has argued about others with me, she reflects. That is a known quote. But now, seeing it in action leaves me amazed! I have to check the things I also say. Am I going to start listening more closely at people I want to have longer relationships with to see whether they may turn out to be more harmful than helpful? I believe as always that any issue is about communications. I thought my friend would at least be able to come to the realsation that we did not have to agree, but we do have to respect the others opinion enough to say, you know what, I may not agree, or understand what you feel, but I am willing to say that I don't and I am willing to do better, or I am sorry that we disagree. She did none of these things and her profession is all about analyzing people and giving her advice. So for me, Physician, heal thyself.

up and down

I felt that way today. A rush of emotions regarding the death of my Father. I have been there before with my partner, but this is my father, so although I know the feeling, every death is different.A parent, the ultimate. So I just kept quiet, and felt it and felt it. I woke up and felt the entirety of covid-19 from the aspect of "what is my future now?" Things will never be the same. Even what I wanted to be doing, I am now so conscious that I don't even know whether it can be done as I envisioned it. My Mother put it well, she says that the world is in free fall. There is some freedom in that statement though, because you could really just fling up your hands and conclude that any thought you have now about anything is indeed personal to you and relevant to the situation at hand and going forward.

The Love you feel in life is a reflection of the love you feel in yourself - Deepak Chopra ...................................................................... I always seem to find the right statement when I am writing about a topic close to my emotional needs. Lol. Well Deepak Chopra stated the above and it clicked with me that I am at odds with myself, and that is why I was reflecting it back to myself with juliemangoman. He is neutral, and he showed me that when I asked him what he wants and he threw the question back to me.It is so jokey how much I can see with this experience, how much everything isn't about the subject of my interest but about how I reflect myself all of the time. If I am constantly battling how I feel about the way that I look, I am exhausted. I am way too tired to be able to put a good impression out, but more so, how can I keep attraction going? For example, as a friend told me decades ago, you don't know why someone likes you...that is about them. You respond according to what you like. So why do we always put it on the other person? So, I attracted what I want. But then, I worry about keeping it, or I worry about whether I really want it. I always find it so funny as well how I behave when I meet my crush and then how I act when I know the person awhile. I still have my core belief, but it becomes a comfortable belief. I ramp up my expectations. So, if they suddenly have a different opinion that threatens me, I either want to understand what is going on to bring the situation back to where I want it to be, or I start wondering about compatibility. In a way I move true to my zodiac sign. (ha,ha...walking sideways and retreating into my shell) Now,I see that perhaps all of that control that I hold to is all well and good, but it has its place in a relationship with myself and not so much with another person. That judgement has its downside. I can observe difference, I can mention it. I can move with it, around it, left or right off it. But to stack it up and then use it to control someone! Come on. Then, I am not in a relationship for mutual benefit. I am in it for what supports my ego, and I am not about that, and that was the issue with my friend after knowing her for twenty years. I was floored by.

Yesterday I had one conversation after another on my favorite subject, creating works. I am bouncing off the walls with all that came through my mind as i discussed my way ahead. It goes hand in hand with what I was writing yesterday about believing my own propaganda. The inconsistency between what is wanted and what has to be done to get it has always been an issue. I am fortunate to be able to observe it in my experiences with others and myself. I put an idea out and I get my sketchbook and I write down the vision. During that time I am in the flow. I am excited, I love what the idea looks like and where it can go. I am such a visual person that I pack the vision with details and I feel them. Great. Then, I proceed to look around and see how I can bring it into my world. Usually, I am doing it on paper, and that also works very well. So what is my problem? When I have my first speed bump, it usually entails money, but it can also include people. Many times I see my moving forward as something I need people to assist me to do. That is time consuming and brings with it the challenges of scheduling and compatibility of personalities. The other big one is money. How can I do this idea when I need a certain amount of money. Once I have to stall my project because of those two things, upset sets in and for me, I then consider what I can do. Sometimes, all I feel I can do is stop and re-evaluate it and also put it down for awhile until I can consider a solution. This has been going on with me for many, many years. So what has changed? I am more aware of how I talk to myself for one. My attitude is now one where I talk to myself about incremental steps. The finish line is off in the distance and what I am doing now is being pleased with the fact that I am starting whatever the project is. I have all of the old files and sketches and processes behind me. That is an asset, not a negative thing. I know that I am not a sprinter but a marathon runner. So right now, I have been thinking that a proper studio is urgent for me. It is, but until I sort it out, the solution is to stack and to take notes and to schedule. What does all of that good stuff to do with my run in with my friend the other day and the split from her toxic behavior? I have taken what to me is a damn long ass time to really feel comfortable in my skin in regard to what I want to be doing. I have had small moments of confidence, but most of all, I think that I never really declared it in terms of how I would view doing it day by day, week by week and beyond. I believe that my daily walking pre covid-19, was a big part of helping me. So now I am excited about the tiny steps that lead to the big results. Those steps matter a great deal, and as I plan with my daughter toward securing her future, those small steps with purpose are re-assuring. It has also meant that I check myself with what I say to myself all of the time. I want this or that...stay the course. Keep the focus. I can do that. I did it as a child. I have done it throughout the years, but I flub it off as just those moments when things seem to come together. I remember when I was in my early twenties and I was really terrified that I would go through my life reacting and not acting. It took time to still myself in an awareness that I will make mistakes and be ok, survive and even thrive despite a setback. Taking care of myself is something that I continue to work on and learn from. This is becoming a bigger statement...so I will continue in another entry.

excitement

Although I am one of those persons whose life before quarantine was pretty much as it is now, even I had a moment or two where I just didn't stick to wanting to do much of anything. Just a few moments ago I received the governments implementations for a gradual return to pre Covid-19 life that goes into August. This makes me excited, as I feel the optimism of firmer planning beyond just my concerns. Also, a dear friend and supporter of my work had a chat with me today about working together. This was after yet another friend and colleague called me prior to him. This week has been filled with such moments, and I am truly grateful for that. It has been just what I needed, particularly as the person I mentioned who has been contentious, contacted me as well this morning with a cursory greeting and then went straight into asking me to help her with something. I have decided that at this time, that part, where I work on things, is all that I desire to do for her, as it is something that I have assisted her with, worked on and agreed to a small stipend for. Conversations do not matter, as I know the spiel with her. I bring up the awkward moments. I work at turning things around, as more and more she has not wanted to listen to what I am saying, although she has asked me for advice. She argued with everything I said to avoid acting to change her situation, and I had to conclude that she just wanted to complain. That caused me pause at the time, but then I decided that all of that is part of friendship, and I would do what I could and not be an asshole by judging her behavior too harshly. Despite the way that I sound,I am simply about preserving myself now and here I make no apologies for that. What's also interesting with the situation is my story too. I don't think that I have placed a whole narrative about her in my mind, but obviously I have, and we all do. That experience has bled into what I began to get at with juliemangoman, where now that we are communicating more, he calls me every few days. I am not used to that at all. I am familiar with calls every day or every other day. I had to do my best not to be judge-y about that with him. I had to remind myself that it isn't like he can get on a plane and come visit me next week. We do not know when that shall be, so in this instance, I have no template. I can try to control it, but I know that it would not make a difference and it makes me a bit anxious and excited at the same time. In fact, this deserves another entry, and I shall do that later today when I think on it some more...but I really am curious about the fact that the thoughts that you place on things are not necessarily the truth. You hear, but do you listen? How much of what you do is already planned outcomes? Why is so much abstract thought placed on a faceted life? Obviously it is done because it has worked. But now, I am actually mindful of how much I get in my own way with presumptions. To make myself right, I am also making myself unhappy and that is the interesting thing about juliemangoman. Somehow, my thinking whenever he waltzed into my life, got me to observe myself differently. I also think that my dad's death has also impacted my thinking too. I am not as skittish about thinking out things and scrapping them afterwards and pushing boundaries right away. I used to procrastinate a bit on that way of considering options. Now, mom and I are talking all of the time and splashing out with all sorts of considerations that can only be called, legacy building and I love the freedom it brings with it. But as I stated, I shall continue this later today.

paused

The situation I experienced with my friend really showed me how you create your reality. She has not called me since, and I have not called her either. I found her behavior abusive to me, so I am giving myself space from her. In the past, I would not wait for her to apologize if I needed to speak with her. I would just call her up and bring up the issue and work it out. This time I feel no desire to do that. No desire to 'fix' the situation, and that is because I really believe that if she sees me as just another one of her friends that she bad talks with me, then I could do without it. I have always been patient with her and a straight shooter. The fact that she could call me and pressure me one day after receiving my Fathers' ashes. one week after his funeral...and expect me to just feel bad because she wants me to do so, is bananas. Just as she can choose to manipulate me, I choose to act as I am now. I am still annoyed at the whole thing because I cannot believe that she could be as insensitive as she has been to me! Thus, I conclude that she doesn't really care about me at all after all of this time. On another note, I do research every day, and yesterday I came across a great article online from a local businessman. He wrote about setting up his own business and he gave tips and costs and addresses to check and it was fantastic. He has done more for me than all of the sites I have gone on and worked with in the past. I have assisted my friend in so many ways with her business, and I have constantly said to her that i would like to bounce my business ideas off of her in the same way to figure out how to go forward with my own business, but she never really spent any meaningful time there. Now, I will just do it as I expected, by myself. Right away, I went over the online learning site that I have been flirting with for the last five or so years, and things started clicking. I am thrilled. More about this next time.

D O

The situation I just wrote about contrasted with something else happening to me yesterday. I have not written about my conversations with juliemangoman, and I have been wanting to, but have not done so until now. He has been contacting me and it has been pleasant. However, recently, he called and promised to call back and didn't. That got me miffed. I got into a lather about his word. I had to take some mental notes about what I was feeling.He was online and didn't contact me. (You see how that makes me sound? Needy! Yuck!) I have always been pursued. I have never initiated a call. I do not understand what it is like to feel out of step with someone I like romantically. The person starts calling me and we start going out and that's it. But here, we start talking and then, he breaks the connection. I usually check in with my instinct then. Should I be concerned? My instinct would tell me not to worry, but my logic never listens to that. My history now with him is one where the attraction overpowers. The pattern is what I just mentioned. When I did not hear from him last year, he went to China. I know, it sounds like a yarn. But I have been to China as well, so we talked about our impressions of the country. Another thing too is that as we cannot meet anytime soon, communicating online is great. We have to slow down. We will get to know more about each other as we need too. It is all filled with possibilities and that is a very good thing. So when I re-acted, I knew that it was about ME. (Something that my friend needs to do with her outburst with me...but I digress) What was this about? I realised that I want some consistency where communicating is concerned. I want something more from him. I really want to see where 'we' can go. Yesterday, at my worst I felt that I should just throw up my hands and cut him off. But then, a little voice in my head said to me, you're used to things a certain way. You want things but you are not declaring it even to yourself. Instead you are standing at a bridge between wanting to fight and wanting to flee. Make up your damn mind! That was helpful. Part of my liking him is the lack of rules and expectations that I have. But it is also what is challenging to me too. I don't know, so I have to make things up, and I have to ask for things and to even initiate things. But, the comparison with what I just wrote about my friend...the message I got from her behavior was this-: She made up a whole story in her mind about me and she played all of the key parts making me the villain. In making herself right, I had to be wrong. We do this all the time. it isn't that something isn't happening. it just is that what is happening is not necessarily about you, you choose to include yourself or involve yourself in an experience. She concluded that somehow I closed ranks and kept her out of my 'special' day. Even writing that, I have difficulty with how she inserted herself into that presumption. I was doing the same with him. What was I doing? I was concluding things about him as though we are in a relationship and I want to shift around furniture and tell him how to dress or something. Lol. We are getting to know each other again, and I am just nervous, wanting it to work out and sending out all of the feels (that slang word is so funny) As he told me himself, I am not listening to all of those rules you want to put onto this. I want to do.

WTF

When my father died at home, it caused a ripple effect for us. There are different people to call and arrangements to be made in this covid-19 world. The day of his funeral. only four people were allowed. We were told that we could live stream it, and in that understanding I neglected to mention it to my friend whom I have discussed here before. I did not do it deliberately. There was so much to do, that I thought of her and then in the haste to remember to have all of the little things to take with us, it slipped me. A few days went by and we were communicating online, but I found her a bit cold. On the third day, i called her and she got back into her old routine with me and the conversation was mainly about her situation. Yesterday she contacted me and made the comment that she had something important to discuss with me. The very tone sounded foreboding. We played a bit of phone tag on Facebook. Finally we spoke, and she started with a whole preamble. We have been friends for many years etc, and she was hurt when I did not tell her about the live streaming. She said that she is so proud of herself for being able to tell me how she felt because usually she would leave something like that alone and say nothing and suffer silently. (Really?!?) I was so stunned by the admission that I decided that I would explain what had happened. However, she seemed hell bent on what she was feeling. I asked her outright, what benefit would I get from lying to her about not being able to tell her about the funeral? I have always been a straight shooter with her, and I said that. I even went further by stating that she knows very well my personality, and that feeling she has of not being told and some sort of ulterior motive is so insane to me. But what this was about when we hung up was her wanting my absolute attention no matter my circumstances. I felt abused by her, so much so that I seriously contemplate whether we should remain friends. How could she do that? What the hell! The irony of all of this is that that day I was having our first full day just coming to terms with all that had happened. I had gone to the funeral home to collect Dad's ashes. The term for it is 'cremains" I think that that is a horrible name. But, anyway, it has been tumultuous. Yet, she believed that she could step to me with her selfishness, proud to do it! WTF.