down

I am feeling a bit down tonight. I miss my dad. Then, my ex-husband is at his usual crap again. As I write, I know that I shall be better. But just for now I feel as though the tide is way out, or as though all of the threads that keep me together have come apart.That is not the case, but it is just what I feel in this moment. I have to climb out of it one thought at a time. After all, it was a lovely day. Despite the one thing that has the world, or at least America up in arms and thus, all black people..the killing of George Floyd. As much as that pains, as much as the rage regarding that keeps one vigilant and resigned, the day was good. It was just coming down to tonight, my eyes hurt, the things that I struggle with just felt closer, and from that, it was so easy to slip into the skin of sadness. I get this foolish way where I want to believe that everything has gone pear shaped and somehow I am so helpless.But if I turn the idea around and look at it from another angle, then I could equally ask, what is it that I think I need, and the answer is always the same...a win of some sort. Something to make me feel better. It is a feeling that I have more loss than gain. That is all that it is, and usually, I would say to myself that a good night sleep is what I need, and I am right. But for now, this sinking , inky feeling is what I have and I shall live with it for now,as I know that it shall not last.