Hear me

This is the last day of 2011. It cannot be helped that writing tonight about the year as it passes into history comes up. A few days ago I had a romantic evening that was quite unexpected. But this was after having a really lovely encounter with man from India one early morning when I was working particularly hard on a project and he knew exactly how to warm me up.
I am now officially a slut of sorts, because I am experiencing more than one man at a time in a cyber world. Of course I am not the only person having this duality in my life, but to me, it leaves me wondering about myself....but not in a bad way, I am just amused actually. So, yes, I spent the late evening with my first ex...at his friends absolutely stunningly beautiful house. He has an infinity pool, and he has lit the pool with colored lighting that changes every few seconds. We decided to skinny dip, he and I...not the home owner...that would have gotten into territory that could have proven a bit too much....he has had this fantasy though....anyway, we had a wonderful time and then went back to my house, but before that, we had a bit of a heated session, and finally it was taken to the inevitable step. Although I do not believe that it went as far as he may think.
All of that aside, so much changes on a dime, but more so, I am now thinking that in 2012 I do not want to be in limbo anymore in any aspect of my life. I feel that all I have been doing is putting up with the least common denominator. I am not really living. I have not travelled in five years...that in itself is shocking to me. I have been working, but I do not have the kind of money that I should. I still have the same list of things that I need to take care of that I had five years ago?! Now come on now....what am I doing? Can things be better? I am sure that they certainly can, but I have to make it so.
I admit that getting divorced and starting over was scary because I had left my job and my ex husband was threatening me constantly and the court costs ate a big hole in my savings. But now, I find that more and more I am putting myself out there, taking risks and experiencing new things and handling failure very differently...making things happen in my life on my own steam. I think that it is time to say to the universe, give me better, give me the things that I am asking for. Hear me!

The man from India

Today I saw him online and I said hello. We had not spoken in a bit. He always sends me happy birthday greetings, and we chat, but there is something about him...because we live so far apart, I cannot really think ahead.

But we have a past that we share that he brought back up today and had me blushing.

It has been six years, and yet, it is still so sweet. What lovely memories.

I wondered about myself...I had discussed the ex yesterday and now this man! The difference though is that this man is very available...but hundreds of thousands of miles away, maybe a million miles away.

This man can speak and lull you with what he says.

This man can touch you and make you forget where you are.

He is gentle, and sweet and funny and speaks several languages....he's a cunning linguist....and talented as hell.

This tells me that I am open to much.

I probably am not monogamous?

It is not as though I am being asked to choose am I?

It just feels a bit odd to be thinking of more than one man at a time.

Am I a ....slut?!?

Lol.

The men who hold my interest share many traits in common. The bottom line is that they are all very stimulating, in terms of speaking to them and then further, in touching them.

I have had sex with none of them, so that may also be the interest.

I have no idea who or when I will have such intimacy. There is some fun in speculating.
They are different in height, all taller than I am though.
They are almost the same complexion. But they are of different races.
One is married. One is divorcing and the other is many years divorced.
Also, I know one almost all of my life, another over a decade and the other just under a decade.
I do not have the tendancy of knowing men for short periods and I also tend to love and have the men in  my life love me in return. I am fully aware of how wonderful that is. I am speaking in terms of friendships. All of my male friendships are strong except for one lone person. my ex-husband, who does not want to be my friend.
That is so strange to me that I have taken a long time to accept that.
 But my cousin told me several months ago that it is important to keep thoughts of good times where he is concerned, so I do that.
As I did today with my partner who is sceptical about some work that I am to do. I told her squarely that I knew fully well that she has doubts and I am keeping my focus on where we need to be, so her opinion is just that.
It has taken me a long time to understand and see when something is not about me, and I can get out of the way and not let my ego kick in or up.
I think keeping aware of larger goals can do that.
...........
So, man from India. If I were to see you sometime soon, we would certainly not be talking. It would be so easy, so quick, so natural to just turn to the other and kiss like we never parted.
~It would be so very natural for you to take my hand in yours and to whisper how good it is to see and to feel the other.
~He would allow that standing in place, just touching and smelling and feeling the other with the wind gently blowing around us, before he used his hands to caress my face and place his nose against my cheek.
~I write allow because, one would want to rush, but also one would want to savour, and he savours completely.
~He would push my hair back and gently move his fingers down my neck and look into my eyes, smiling at me, his eyes oh so close to mine.
~ He would whisper in my ear, something that would make my groin react and he would breath and speak and lick the tender flesh there before he would pull away...he would take my hand and lead me where we need to be.
We might both laugh because the leading would have to be to a place where there is cool water flowing. He would get out of his clothing and help me with mine and we would get under the warm spray and we would embrace and kiss and feel the others body in a way that would be all about the touch, first....the touch...his mouth and the water would make me feel so restful, yet also so aware of the fact that his body responds to mine so completely.
We would lather the other, enjoying the others' body, again, taking on the touch, massaging, feeling our way along, kissing, sucking, tenderly biteing, remembering and creating anew.
He would turn my body to the wall and touch me with everything, including himself...his hand going around me to touch my stomach and down to between my legs. I would feel him insistant against me, I may moan softly.
My head going back against his shoulder and he would cup my soapy breasts in his hands, gently, so gently...as his strong legs would rub up against my parted ones.
My hand would go into his long hair and I would turn to kiss him properly, deeply and he would lean into me, my leg against his muscular back.
He would say my name again and again as I slide down his body to take him in my mouth.
His hands caressing my neck and in my hair now, his head back, his breathing erratic over time. He slides in and out, blissfully.
He reluctantly pulls away and reaches for me. This is not where he wants to be, and as I stand, he reaches for me, more agressively. his hands parting my thighs.
His mouth over my breasts, one at a time, and down, wanting as much as possible.
He whispers, he smiles, he moans as he acts.
Is the water warm or is it us?
May I? He asks.

A dear former student and I have been chatting lately. She is very emotional about someone whom she loves who is still with another, despite declaring her feelings for her.
We talked today, and I was giving her some strength to deal with the situation. Meanwhile, after I wrote the other entry, I realised that I should also mention that I saw my old flame last night and we ended up at one of his houses being used for his band. We stripped off  our clothes and wondered around the dark garden, touching the other and giggling, then raced back inside when being freaky outdoors proved to be a bit much.
As always it went only so far, and I wonder for the millionth time why I am still after all of this time, a fence sitter.
I will not give in, but I will not stay away.
I cannot believe that I am behaving this way. I keep being dismayed by my behaviour, yet also titillated too.
Geez!
I can only shake my head at the moment.
There is a level of control and familiarity for me. Also there is a lovely fact that he respects how far I am willing to go and no more.
He provides excitement and I provide excitement with him.
What a pair we are indeed.

I have not been here in quite sometime. I wanted to visit tonight, like visiting an old friend. I got hacked a few weeks ago, so this email address used for this site needs to change, but I have not altered it as yet.
I have also been extremely busy, of the many things being done, I have to close up a number of things because of what is coming. The band is going well, but very slowly and more and more I am aware of how much more my input is needed to make everything come together.

I fell off the wagon regarding my former squeeze. I know that it shall not do. But yesterday it hit the spot. I am a hypocrite for sure. As my main focus was self fulfillment, even if in a small way. This side of myself is a head shaker. One moment I find that I am steady and clear, and then at other times, I seem to be courting a 'bad' girl vibe.
Even with what I am learning, I find this side of myself coming out in baudy humour. What is all of this about? Somehow I cant feel too guilty as it is all part of me. I am curious to see where this is all leading me.

"Writing down your thoughts is both necessary and harmful. It leads to eccentricity, narcissism, preserves what should be let go. On the other hand, these notes intensify the inner life, which, left unexpressed, slips through your fingers. If only I could find a better kind of journal, humbler, one that would preserve the same thoughts, the same flesh of life, which is worth saving."

Anna Kamienska

Excerpts from “In That Great River: A Notebook”

What is this life...

In some ways, do you ever have a handle on life? I am now doing so many things that I have to pace myself. I am enjoying all the learning and teaching that I am doing. I am loving th creative things that I am making. It is all wonderful, and I am pushing to see more and more. This leads me to question time and how much of it is really available.
I have much work to create and I want to get to it.

The Joy of sex

One of the things that I am coming to terms with is my sexual self. I do not know in what other way to confront myself.
Here I was, a virile, handsome man wanting me, and I decline.
I do so because it is the right thing to do.
.........................
I find myself occasionally conflicted about my desires...I have gone back and forth about who I desire.
I have had to separate the 'feelings' from the person. I am aware of a burgeoning sexuality within me that I want to express and to explore in full with a man who understands it and is a willing, capable partner.
I do not believe that this shall be difficult to attain.

.............
I find that I fragment myself sexually. I find myself hiding a bit from my intentions.
Why am I doing this?
.............
I think that I want to know myself more. I want to take whatever it is, slowly, really develop something beautiful.
I think that my needs now are more evolved than they were at twenty-six or even thirty-six.
...............
I think that in getting to know myself now, I want to enjoy the process.
I feel that it makes me, 'me.' This is just how I will do things.
...............
Punto finale

This week I told my potential hot squeeze goodbye. I found the whole thing untenable. I just decided it was time. I would only prolong the whole thing, when I knew fully well that I would not take it where he wanted to. What it did, was bring up a number of questions about myself that I must confront.
Why am I saying no?
Is it risk avoidance? Am I secretly interested in someone else? Do I want to get my own way? Is it that I cannot move on?
All of these things flooded into my thoughts.
The man has offered himself to me.
But it is simply not the right time, and it is all on him.
So, although my questions for myself may be legitimate, they in a way do not matter.

This person has been in my life off and on for decades. I care about him. But when he put forward his request to me,I knew very well that it could only go so far.

The scenario was as follows-: Act 6, Boy meets back up with old flame.
He proposes a relationship of sorts. He gives a plausible explanation.
She is curious. They proceed slowly to feel the other out.
Things come home to her that he is rooted elsewhere despite his complaints.
She says goodbye, this cannot happen until you change your circumstances.
The End.

Clear cut and simple.
I am not a home wrecker. I would not like anyone to do that to me.
I now realise from the whole thing that I have also let go of some other fine fantasies that I have had.

My darling almost relationship on another island......goodbye.
~
My almost hot and heavy, wonderful fantasy in another country....goodbye darling.
~
My crush in China....it was lovely.

All of these things are dead weight. They provide only foggy notions of a moment. No more, no less. I appreciate what they were. But they are in the past.

I have met amazing men, and I shall continue to do so.
I open myself now to the right person in the right time.
............
PS: I am who I am. I am contradictory. I have certain feelings about who I am, what I want. I see that I may want to explore certain things within myself....and that is why the entrance of the old flame was interesting and I chose to see what it is, further. But I have brought it around to what it was the last time...we always seem to get to a certain place and then no further.
............
I think that at this point in my life, I am discovering myself in ways that I am looking at, as I go through things, a woman with needs, desires, dreams, hopes for herself - mapping her space - coming into her own.
It is actually an exciting time.

Third lock down day

My island is in a 'State of Emergency'. I have never really been in this type of experience before, and I find it extremely odd. I feel a bit off balance by it all. It may be in part because of the strange information disseminated by our prime minister and members of her cabinet. They are getting important parts of their reasoning's confused and making many people very confused and uncomfortable.
This government has seemed quite wearisome. One of the reasons for such is the fact that there is way more media than ever before, so things are reported as they happen, and very little is allowed to settle.

Then my ex returned from his trip today. He decided to come to see our little one and asked me whether he could have her for the next few days. I miss her already, of course. She was so overactive today. She got up to all sorts of naughtiness, but, I appreciated everything although sometimes she truly tested my patience. She really did.

I wanted to write so much more, and so differently, but I am tired....nighty night.

What am I feeling?

The house is presently quiet and I have some lovely time to myself where I hear my thoughts over everything else.
I have been working a great deal, but when I stop for air, I realise that I am also feeling more so than ever, the missing of companionship. I know that I have mentioned this a great deal. I look my own company. I always have. But I am genuinely having a hard time (I find) with missing a man in my life. I suppose that when my best friend was alive, he provided much of that companionship.
So why do I feel so embarrassed to admit that this is how I feel? Is it that I do not want to admit that I want to rely on another person?
This may also have to do with still raw feelings of hurt where my ex-husband is concerned perhaps?
He was in my life steadily for over twenty years as well!

If this is what I have been given, no longer a marriage, no longer a long lasting friendship, then surely, it is this way for a reason?
Yet, I have spent great swaths of time alone and not thought on this topic for any stretch of time, but now, I am doing so?
So I notice the change.

However, I came to my diary tonight to think on something else. i was wondering about a curious musing....what have I been developing around me that is showing and growing because I have set them in place?
 In other words, I say that I want this and that....what do I feel from my instinct shall be the outcome of this and that?

How have I worked to put in actual place the wants and desires? Have I done enough to see that they actually happen?

I will not answer my question now. I just want to mull a bit.

what would Hermione do?

...so I am flirting with someone I shouldn't flirt with. He's committed, but on the way out...he says. Of course the right thing is to say see you later.

But I flirt nonetheless, I flirt because it is fun. I flirt because the feelings are mutual and just the right combination of no but yes.

I feel slightly guilty, but I want to fully embrace his back story. That sort of makes it ok.

But who am I kidding?

I know and I have said and he has even said, that this thing is something that makes his will weak.

I would not admit o that, but I now wonder about this here?

Akrasia?

Weakness of the will?

Akrasia?

I have my limits, my boundaries.

I know that there are so many women because I was one, who would actually be gald to know that they could skip the whole obligation. We go through such periods.

However, I also think that if he is honest, he should be completely open with her.

But then what?

Do I really want something more?



It has been very easy so far, because it has just been so very flirty.



But I must confront myself.

Calling myself names, playing Catholic guilt? Get off the neither here nor there cross.

I know all that.

But I still flirt?

Gad, am I addicted?
......until..

the latest

I have been wanting to write, but my computer is being fixed. I do not like using the larger machine in the library for correspondense where I want to get personal. But I just had to come here this afternoon. I need some me time.
My neice's behavior is such that I really need a breather from her. She is truely too much. If I even begin to write it all here, it shall become a long list of complaining and concerns that can stretch out and out for miles. So, I shall resist.
However, it now colors despite my intention, what else I wanted to write. So I shall stop for now and create a new entry.

Sometimes I wonder about the nature of my thoughts. I feel lately, from time to time a missing piece of my life. I would like to be in a relationship with someone, but I wonder when this shall actually happen? It is not as though I go out much. Not only that, I wonder too, how does someone who does not go out socially find someone who would meet her needs and desires?
It has been five years, and I admit that I am feeling a bit sad about wanting companionship. It is also odd, but I feel a bit embarrassed to admit this to myself. I am not sure why? Acting as though I do not need such a thing is equally absurd. I suppose that it is a failing in my personality. it may also be a large part of why I am not approached. I possibly may seem un-approachable?
To be starting all over again, I wonder what could be in store for me? Do I want the whole looking cute, anticipating what he may do and say? Getting to know the man and then slowly or not so slowly plunging in to something and someone new? I feel that doing so shall help me move forward  and away from anything that can make me look back,
I have not really moved forward with someone new. I have not had a relationship since my divorce.
I thought that I should make sense of my feelings here so that I could at least see it in black and white.
 Now that I am at my age and stage, I want to meet someone who is clear about what he is about, an evolved person, who meets me at a place where he wants happiness, fun and joy in his life.
My mother has a friend who met her present husband when she was divorced with two little children. He also had a child, and they are still together, thirty years on. He is a wonderful person. I know a few people like that. I think that that is beautiful. I feel that it is time for me to acknowledge that this is what I want for my child and I, a person who comes into my world, whole and lovely, optimistic, loving and just a great person. A man with whom I feel even better about life, love and the world because together we make so much sense. I am probably babbling now, but I just wanted to start a ball rolling on this. To sort of state what is in my heart.

contemplation

This evening leaves me contemplating some aspects of my life that I am trying to make sense of. I find that I think on my past relationship and wonder about why it is that I vascilate about how I feel about it? Perhaps it is normal, but I do wonder on the one hand, if things were different, and I do miss one or two things. Then I quickly get drawn back to reality by all that happened to me.
I do not want that back, but I would so like to find closure by being able to be friends, but this does not seem possible.
I feel this way because to me, the whole thing seems so messy, and I want to order it. I think that that speaks volumes about me. I know I should just leave this alone. It is the only thing to do really.
It is just difficult to live with a 'what if' and to regret. There is an obvious sadness. I suppose that I just needed to say this tonight. By just writing it, I have cleared out my thoughts a bit.
Then there is the back and forth about other experiences.On the one hand, liking what may happen or can happen, but what about what I want in the long run? Or should I just be happy with the present?
The answer may simply be to strike out for something new. That may be all that I really need to do.

when you don't know what to do...get in character

Of all of the fan fiction that I have been reading, I have re-read two stories. My interest has been of the Harry Potter series for some reason. I tried The Talented Mr.Ripley, Gone with the Wind and even Wuthering Hights, but the Severus Snape/Hermione coupling provides the right amoubt of literary jumk food that I need at this time.
.................................
Thus, it is with that in mind that I am going to try to equate my present esperiences from the heart of the character of Hermione. I am trying this for the first time because I am curious and I think that the fantasy may release and even unleash something....who knows, and here goes.
................................
 Hermione looked at herself in the mirror. She had come from another stolen weekend with her old flame. This time the evening was one where although they fell into the usual pattern of kisses and touches, touches that included his hands on her face, so gentle that she felt it as a sensual moment....yet, this time, there was something she could not put her finger on.
He had declared his deep love and devotion the last time. He had gone extremely far, telling her that his body belonged to her to use as she saw fit. That had un-nerved her somewhat. It felt too serious and yes, wreckless, and she brushed it off as the hightened moment.
Then she was surprised herself, days later when she missed him with a bit of an ache. It seemed that her resolve was weakening. After all, why play with him when she had already drawn her line in the sand regarding what could and could not happen?
Why was she doing these things?
Was she so into control and dominance where he was concerned that she got off on power? She asked herself all of these things, not fully satisfied with the silence that met her eyes.
..................................................
that's an interesting start.

nearing

Last night in the midst of hanging out with two of my oldest friends, one being my former sweetheart, I felt a sudden deep pang for my marriage. This alarmed me for a moment, and then I stood still in the thought and realised that what I was possibly missing was the intimacy of a partner.

This was a good move on my part, to still myself and find what it was. It could have been very easy to assume that I was being sentimental. I admit that I have been over the years, but what keeps me focused is that I do not miss his attitude and some of his personal habits at all. (LoL)

My nieces are here from New York and the younger one has some emotional issues that the house seems loathe to handle. I just watched people fall apart and just throw up their hands at this.
I have been wondering why I am still living there? I have been so focused on getting out, and yet, nothing seems to have worked to get me, I have felt. Now, I must be careful, am I holding on using an excuse to linger? I don't think so, because I have a financial plan, and I am working towards real goals, so I would not lay such criticism at my feet.

As a spiritual thing, I can see much learning here (not trying to sound like Yoda!) But, after my last time with these children, when my sister was here, I saw today with my niece what was happening.
I shall continue to write here about my progress in all things that I do.

head spinning

So much is going on. I mean to write, but I am so swamped with working, and I am not complaining. But I am conscious of a need to have a moment.

A week ago my ex-husband had me again questioning my attempts to make our relationship better. He was in flying form, and I was so fed-up with everything. But then, I was able to pull back and observe. I am so grateful for the opportunity to listen, learn and to think on a level that I have made it my life's goal. When I was eighteen I stopped going to church regularly, and began to read about spirituality instead. Today, I see all the time, this choice, living through me. There is nothing wrong with going to mas from time to time, but for me, it was important to put myself through something different to be able to return to where I need to be.

Yet, last week, I was overwhelmed with what seemed like too many energy stealers doing whatever they could to attack me. Or so it felt.

In those moments it can really feel as though what is happening outside of oneself is stronger than what is inside. But it takes just a shift in perspective to restore yourself.

In the island as well, so much madness is going on with the government that to record it here would take days of entires. It is very easy to feel taken over by that too.

To top it all off, my two nieces shall be here for three months and they arrive in a few days. The last time they were here, they were extremely disruptive. I am keeping an optimistic opinion on that one, as there is little that can be done about it at the moment.

On another note though, last week also saw me seeing an old flame whom I had not laid eyes on in five years.

When we met, I was truely moved by how much we mean to the other. It was interesting. The feelings have mellowed and grown, I would say, like a fine wine.

We talked, laughed and enjoyed each others company on a very even level. There was no need to push or force anything at all. When there was silence in our conversation, it felt natural.

It was very, very nice to see him.

Then, another blast from the past had his own emotional connection to me, and that leaves me very curious. But I shall leave those thoughts for another day.

so much, so much

I read such a lovely quote the other day about reading and the love of books. The writer said that whenever they do not know how to handle something, the ask themselves what would a favorite character do?
I found that quite interesting. My neighbours daughter has introduced me to fan fiction. I had always known about it vaguely, but I never bothered to actually see what fans actually write. I remember seeing a documentary on Star Trek fans, and I think this was the first time that I actually saw images that fans take to a whole other level. As in, actually drawing their favorite characters in particular settings.
Then when my little one started watching Coraline, I saw on U -Tube that fans of that character had done many drawings of the two main characters in situations that they wanted to see.
So, when my neighbours daughter suggested that I read a story about Snape and Hermione from the extremely popular and successful Harry Potter, I said alright, but did not have much expectations.
Now I have read about twelve stories in a three week period.

The fantasy world has been a sort of lathe to what is happening in and around my life. It sort of encourages the awareness of everything being an illusion, so why not explore any and all possibilities. For me, that is liberating. For someone so afraid of making mistakes, that is a huge revelation.

I have recently been feeling very good about some issues that are coming up in my work and more so, my creative life. I just got the funding for a residency! That is very exciting.
I have not been on one since the birth of my daughter. It is in Italy for two weeks. I also got something else for the end of the year in Italy as well.
Then I have some projects that I have either created myself and/or supported. I am very pleased with the directions that much of these things are taking. I feel very optimistic and happy about the way that I know I can manoeuvre. I am making the first big steps to where I want to go, and my mindset is so healthy right now, that even if they do not manage to be financially rewarding, they are about reward in many ways. At the very least, the creation of things that I can then use elsewhere and add to where I want to go. So I am feeling really happy.
I have been doing my spiritual works and the experiences gained from my perspective is also making me feel so very nourished.
My ex-husband is playing games, and I even have the compassion to empathise and arm myself as well.
Attitude is indeed everything.

The Royal Wedding Day

My dear friend and I had a really good, long talk about my ex-husband. Most recently he has returned to a pattern of behavior that concerns me enough to have to take some steps myself.
I have learned a great deal over the last few years...as one should. For example, I have actually forgotten how long I have been divorced, can you believe it? So the mercy of time is such a salve.
Yet, with all that I am doing, I sometimes feel as though I am taking too long. One may ask, too long for what?
The divorce has made me (as would be expected) look inside and ask myself, what are MY needs? What are the things that would truly make me feel that my life is as I want it to be?
It is much more than a question. It is an attitude, and a certain knowing. I have written the lists in my life, it isn't by half about that. It is a much deeper thing. It is a satisfaction within the self, whatever position you are in at the time. It is knowing that whatever the case, you shall be fine, that whatever is bothering or hurting shall not consume you, it shall pass.
I have felt so down and out so many times. I have felt that to move on may be the most difficult, and unlikely thing to happen, because nothing looked like it was happening.
I had felt that my faith was nowhere and no one could or would help me.
I felt so very sorry for myself.

But after one time, there is another.
You cannot be down forever or up forever. And more important, neither are ultimate positions. Neither define what you can do.

Today I stand in the knowledge that I am a work in progress and I expect setbacks. But here and now, I feel and know that life is beautiful. life is a gift.
I can look within from whence cometh my help indeed.

doing so much

I now have three Tumblrs, all very interesting to me. One on Art, one for my personal work and another for Graphic Design. I also plan one based on style in the Caribbean. I enjoy doing them. I do not spend so much time on them that they are overwhelming. I am doing them for the usual reasons as well....to have an archive and to eventually have a body of work that could become a book.
So much has been going on that I have not come to this site in awhile. But I think about it from time to time.
I miss it, because as I write now, I realise that I have to get back in the groove to write here.
Some exciting things have been happening...I am feeling much better than I have in the last three years. I am looking forward to things that I am planning.
My ex has been trying to derail me of late, so I know for sure that I am definitely going in the direction that is best for me.
On another front, there is a development that I just finally quashed. It was difficult because I enjoyed it, but it just does not make sense to pursue it. It was odd too, because he made some elaborate plans with me in mind, and I just did not do it. I did not follow through. So, why am I feeling good about it?
Although part of me would have liked to say to hell with how it may look or be, I just could not bring myself to a place where I could act cavalierly about it, I could not help but think down the road.
Now this does not mean that he shall give up that easily. He has not been giving up for years. I actually admire his tenacity, not in regard to me, but as a business person. There is something that can be learnt from him.
I also have some new project concepts that I feel very happy about. I really should get back into the groove of writing here...I shall again, soon.

There Ain't No Greys

a play


Name of actors
* Michelle Knights
*Anthony James
*Michael Blackman
*Julianna Bridgewater
............................................

Act 1. Scene 1

A dancer moves across the stage on point, looking like a leaf falling from a tree to the ground. Spinning, spinning, dying, dying.
A male dancer swiftly runs from one end of the stage to another, moving part of her costume swiftly as he runs.
She falls for a moment onto the stage, then recovers.
Moving, she stands at the end of the stage now.
Nearest the exit, hands in repose, as two male dancers jette across the stage in jeans and tee-shirts. She follows with a grande jette. Scissors crossing, crossing, but is banned in mid-flight by the first male dancer to cross the stage previously.
They stop, hold hands and leave the stage together. The stage darkens for two or three seconds and then we see a spotlight, with the male dancer running to the other end of the stage.
...................................................................
Enter Anthony and Michelle under the spotlight. They have just ended a kiss and are departing from each other.
....................................................................
Michelle: " I really had a nice time Tony. Thank you.
Anthony kisses her again and holds her hand tenderly.
Anthony:"I'll see you soon, and we can do it again."
Michelle laughs and nods.
Michelle:"Ok."
Anthony: "I'll ring you, ok Miche?
Anthony kisses her lightly on the mouth, then, letting her hands go, says...
Anthony: "Bye!"
Michelle waves as he leaves.
Michelle:"Bye."

Exit Anthony and Michelle

You hear a door close and a car drive away and the lights move from a spotlight to a dim light. Michael is lying in bed with his feet up, reading a magazine with no particular care. There is a clock on the wall, and a chair near the bed with male clothing thrown carelessly there.

Anthony walks in.

Michael does not turn around but speaks.

Michael: "So, you finally reach home eh!"
Anthony does not respond, but drops his keys on the floor (or table) and starts undressing. Michael turns and looks at Anthony undress with his head leaning on his hands.
Michael: "You still seeing that bitch Michelle?"
Anthony answers tiredly and with some exasperation.
Anthony: "She is not a bitch!"
Michael: "Tell me that you are not seeing her and then she isn't a bitch."
Anthony looks at Michael, waiting for him to say something and Anthony takes his time.
Anthony: "I love to get you jealous. it is so easy!"
..................................................................
Michael turnes in the unmade bed, Anthony is sound asleep. He looks down at his lover for a moment, enjoying the look of him, he is just about to touch his lips lightly, when Anthony reaches up and playfully bites his finger. Michael pulls away.
"You see, dat is why it cyah work out. You too insatiable."
Anthony pulls all of the blankets off of him and leans away.
"You doh know what yuh want!"
Anthony tries to appease him with a touch.
"You are so emotional."
Anthony turns, sits up and glares at him.
"I am emotional because I love you, and I am allowing you to do what you do, but I doh know how long I can take it."
Michael gets off the bed and starts getting dressed. He does this with no particular care. They have had this argument many times, and he too is over it.
He is finally fully dressed and turns back to Anthony.
"You knew I was bi, Bi! What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to just love me!"
Michael laughs softly and approaches the door. he opens it and looks back.
"Yeh, and we should get married too."
The door closes lightly behind him.
..............................................................................
Michelle is waiting at her school for Michael. Anthony sees her and decides finally to confront her. They do not know each other.

"Hey, Michele."
"Do I know you?"
"No, but we have a mutual interest."
"We do?" Michele looks a bit uneasy. Michael's tone is changing as he speaks.
She senses something and says, " Can you be quick please, I am waiting for someone."
"Yuh man, Tony, you know he does swing both ways right!" He gives her a knowing look. She starts to speak, but he goes on.
"He cyah get enough ah me, but I suppose he does settle for you when he feel like it." He then steupses and walks away, in an effeminate way.
Michele watches him go.
As she turns, she sees Anthony running up to greet her.
He sees her face and instantly knows that she has been upset.
"What happen? Somebody upset you?"
Tears are involuntarily coming down her cheeks and she furiously wipes them away, trying to compose herself.
"Tony, you love me right?"
"Of course! What is it?"
"Dat, dutty man from yuh past just walk up to me an' tell me dat you only usin' me and dat you love him Tony!" She says this in gasping whispers, as Tony moves around her, trying to hear everything she says.
"What! He just walked up to you!"
"Yes Tony! And he didn't care who heard either!"
"I guh kill him!" He hugs her close to him. "You believe him or me?"
"I...I doh know, I never....what should i believe Tony?"
"Look at me, look at me...I am here with you right now. Don't you believe me?"
'Why did he have to come up to me like dat? What does he want Tony?"
"He just jealous and spiteful! Ah go deal wit he! Come on, leh we go."
.......................................................................................

Michael and Anthony are in a grappling, frenzied embrace. Anthony comes away, after choking Michael, in the middle of their sexual play. It is a rough play that they both enjoy, but Anthony uses it as a bullying tactic.

'Wha' was dat?" Michael rubs his neck and reaches for Anthony, who pulls away. Anthony is holding up his finger, jesturing to Michael.
"If you go talkin' to Michele again, we done!"
"Wha?" Michael is still trying to catch his breath."Wha?"
"We done! I swear, we done if ...!"
................................................................................
spotlight fades to black
................................................................................

Michele is talking to a friend in her room. She is crying, on her bed, amidst her school books.
"I doh know what to do? He say, he love me, an' when he wit me, it so good!"
"I know, I know?"
"Right?"
"I try."
"I did, I spoke to him. He say is not true."
"exactly, once yuh have some kinda past, it does come back an bite yuh."
"Ah doh know."
"Ah doh know?"
"He say he love me."
"I love him too."
"I know."
"He wouldn't do dat to me."
"Yes....I trus' him wit everyting else."
"He supports me wit school and ting, remember. He real kind to meh family and dey like him too."
"One mistake in he pas''
"I know."
"I know."
"No,"
"I doh know him at all."
"I couldn't. It wouldn't be right."
"No."
"We jus' have to believe de bes'"
"Ok."
"Tanks"
"Bye."
............................................................................................

Michele and Anthony meet. He is a bit frustrated with her and is standing as she sits at the table at the place they are eating at.
"How I will convince you again? How?"
She looks imploringly at him.
"I believe you, but I have so many questions? Come on, doh be like dat?"
He sits down with a huff. Looking away from her, her hand at his wrist as she tries to coax him.
"Talk wit meh nuh, we together for a reason Tony."
He looks at her then and touches her hand, covering it, and getting intimate.
" I regret it. I really do. He did like meh, an' I didn' know anyting 'bout anyting.
I was jus' he fren. He get meh to come by, we lime, we go out sometimes. Dey wasn't anyting."
Michele is listening and giving him time to talk.
"den one day, I was badin' by he, an' as ah come out de showah, he tell me he want to tell me dat he eh no macomeah man or nuttin', but dat he fine meh body real sound nah."
She smiles and listens.
"So, dat firs' time, he jus complement meh nuh, and little by little, he complementin' meh, and he encouragin' meh wid weh basketball. An meh school work an ting. An ah glad to go by he, because meh fadda, he dey, but he eh day, yuh know nah."
She stays silent and he goes further.
"He did kiss meh, on meh birday, on de cheek, an it make meh feel real funny. Funny in meh stomach. But he did give meh sometin ah did like, so ah forget about how ah did feel." He looks away as he continues to speak about the events of his past.
"Ah cyah say what draw meh nah. It confusin'. "
She steps too him and kneels down, looking at him and patting his knee.
" Yuh doh have to tell me all at once."
"No, is ok.....he remains silent for a few more seconds...he was so nice to meh. He really was like meh uncle or a bigger brother, yuh know. When he touch meh on meh shoulder when I was studyin, and den kiss meh forehead, ah nearly bawl out. Ah tell he, I eh no mackomeah man, no way! He say, eh,eh, he not doin' no mackomeah ting, he jus' love me like ah son. small, small, it start for me. Small, small."
..........................................................................................
fade to black
..........................................................................................
Anthony speaks in his room alone.

How yuh does know? How? I like them both. He, I like everyting male about him. Ah like everything in how he looks.
Den, Ah like her.
I like how curvy and girly she is.
Why do I have to choose?
Who say I have to decide?
When we together, I doh tink bout anyone else but she!
When I wit he, I doh tink bout anyting but he.
Why I have to choose?
..................................................................................

Found some old writing

Today with all of the cleaning up going on in the house, I found an old story that I wrote. What is weird is that I had no memory of it. I had a vague inkling of the name, but not the story. But then as I began to read it, I realised what it was about, and I am amazed at myself for it. It is a play, unfinished and a good theme.
I wrote it between 1987 to perhaps 1991. It is a story of the complexities of sexuality in young adults. It is about four friends and their convoluted lives. I did not write very much, but I did do a complete treatment of what it would read like, and as happens sometimes, I wish that I had pursued it. It was pretty strong for its time!
I may write out some of it here at some point, because I am actually impressed with it.
I might even finish it.

Valentine

I have not written in awhile. I actually have nothing pressing to write, but I just wanted to come to this blog this afternoon. Of late I have been listening more to the silence. I have read some great books on spirituality, and I am just going with the flow.
One of the things that I have started to do, is to get more acquainted with my feelings about things that I probably no longer really articulate. For example, over the years I have written a million lists on the type of home I want. But now, my contemplations are about actually being in a space right now, actually focused on how it feels to have the things I believe I need and want. So it is actually less about collecting things, although it can be. It is about acquainting myself again with anything that helps me to see that I have plans, focus and just love inside me, for me.
It all probably sounds kinda silly the way that I am putting it across, but it is working well for me.

When I was much younger and did not know what life could be like, I used to speculate on the things I wanted to experience. I still do, but they seem to be things that I do not set in motion.
This year, I want to change that.

I am doing this from simple things...like, I need to buy myself some perfume and I also need a whole new supply of underwear  which includes nighties. To the bigger things,.for example, although I have worried about money in the past, I have planned on putting some money aside every time I get paid. This money shall go into some form of savings. No matter how small it may seem. I am starting to do this again.

Saying these things just feel great. I feel good about moving forward in this manner.

took my mind for a walk

Today I followed through on a thought that occurred to me out of the blue. What would happen if I just followed the guide in my head? What I mean by this specifically is, suppose I erased my hard wireing and decided to say to myself, I shall defy whatever I think limits me?

What would this look like?

For starters, I would stop thinking that I cannot do something because I do not have the money or the opportunity, or the time or the drive.

This got me excited.

I continued to think about it. Allow your thoughts to run along without looking at the usual excuses that keep you back. (However this is not about stating things from a place of dreaming, this is actually allowing paths to open based on this thinking) for example, my first thought was on the idea I recently got for a project but had to stall. I said to myself, start doing those drawings on that new project that you have in mind, and when the money arrives, buy the materials and get the project done.

Act all of the time towards aquiring your goals. A way will be found and/or made.
The attitude is everything. Act from a place of knowing that everything you want to create can and will happen according to the nature of things.

Thinking this way certainly feels better than the alternative.
Sometimes you yourself are the problem because you are only looking at something from one perspective and that perspective is limiting. I think that from now on, when I focus on something, my objective is to then ask, now, show me how to get to the next step, and I am taking it NOW.

New beginnings

I was doing some online research this afternoon regarding my creative idea to start an Art and Design Planning Company. My thoughts on the matter is to align myself with NGO's whom I believe have quite a great deal that they can do to impact the public, yet do not. This idea came home to me acutely when over the course of a month, I heard at least three NGO's on the radio talk about their very important work and the difficulties they experienced. My mind shouted, as I heard their issues. It was so obvious to me that they would be best served by good visual media carrying their messages. Then I had an aha moment.
I see my service as one where NGO's and other companies approach me for degrees of guerilla and other types of marketing of their ideas and concepts. This also includes my other design planning ideas as well, like doing the mall and the airports.
The whole thing sounds very reasonable on paper. My goal now is to see how to bring the idea into reality.

1.1.11 What a lovely grouping. We shall also have 11.1.11 as well.
What shall this year bring?
I have my plans, and I am gung-ho to get started.