Life is so strange...sometimes I lie in my bed and think about the fact that this moment shall never come again, even if I lay here in the same clothing, in the same spot, the room the same temperature. I consider the fact that every year, as I grow older and I look back on the time I have spent, I always wish that I had had more joy and worried less. Now that I am older, I also feel so conscious of the fact that every moment is one to give thanks for and to appreciate because in the future, I know that I shall remember even the most difficult moments as those that I lived through and learned from. But more so, as the small things and not so small things change me, I shall recall these moments as precious, these still moments when nothing serious crossed my thoughts and I could think on anything, everything and nothing at all.

B-I-N-G-O

The long, hard week that I had prevented me from really sitting and having some solid time to myself with my own thoughts. I am very lucky to have the luxury of focusing like that. I cannot imagine doing what I did this week all of the time like many people do! I am exhausted, but I want to make note of an observation that I had. My sister comes back tomorrow from a dream vacation. Before she left she was concerned about a bill she wad to pay, and she knew that it was going to be dealt with, but she was still anxious about it. She mentioned it to me, and I realised something that I probably would not have under any other circumstance. I am going to do my best to be clear -: She knew that she would be paying her bill....yet, she put negative thought to what had not happened AND she fed it. ............................................................................................................................................... how many times do we all do this? It just struck me. We ...or I...may say that I want this or that. But the moment the situation does not go my way, I lose my faith. I get like a spoiled child. That attitude becomes the thing you focus on.....and what you focus on...YOU GET MORE OF................................................. GO TO THE HEAD OF THE CLASS.

The month has not ended and it has felt like the Apocalypse! In fact, I am considering a little theory....I think that all of the sages of the world who saw the Earth being destroyed , probably did see 2020 in their vision, and they articulated it as the end of the world because they really could not imagine how we humans were going to get out of all that we are aware of now. Even for Hollywood, there are only supposed to be a handful of survivors. We survived. But the price! The cost!

That Alzheimers! I remember when the New York Times did an article on it, perhaps 20 years ago or more.I was just out of high school, and like Cancer, it brought up a lot of fear. It sounded like something that anyone could get out of the blue. It also seems so prevelant that it is easy to still think that way. Auntie Lorna has passed. She had it. She was one of those pioneering women, the youngest, the first...and she was also beautiful, like the old world beauties like Lauren Bacall.Her life would make a great film. Despite the fact that she was no longer able to have any real conversation with us, hearing her son tell us that she was in critical condition yesterday did not prepare us. I would now say that nothing really prepares you. May she rest in peace. Amen.

Ode to Auntie Lorna - rest in peace

"LEISURE" What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare. No time to stand beneath the boughs And stare as long as sheep or cows. No time to see, when woods we pass, Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass. No time to see, in broad daylight, Streams full of stars, like skies at night. No time to turn at Beauty's glance, And watch her feet, how they can dance. No time to wait till her mouth can Enrich that smile her eyes began. A poor life this if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare. By Wm. Henry Davies. (Wm. Henry Davies (1871-1940) is to be considered as the poet of the tramps. Born at Newport, Wales in the UK, Davies came to America from Great Britain and lived the life of a vagabond. One day, as the result of jumping a train, he lost one of legs. Davies returned to England where he continued to live the life of a tramp and a pedlar. He wrote poetry (presumably he did right along) and, eventually, he determined to print his own book and did so with the little money he earned panhandling. A copy of this first work, A Soul's Destroyer, came into the hands of George Bernard Shaw; which, in turn, led to the popularization of the poet.

magnify the glass

There is an observation that I want to make about the disagreement that I had with my friend. I chose to step back after I told her how I felt about what she was saying to me, and I deduced that what she was telling me had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her past experiences. I think that most arguments people have, have something to do with what affected them strongly in their past. You either work to do better, or you work to avoid experiencing anything like the things that hurt you, ever again. I recall that just as I accepted that I liked, even loved juliemangoman, that I had a hell of a lot of baggage from my past that I had thought I had processed and unpacked, show up like a hurricane upon me. I was devastated by the awareness at the time. Even with the last person... his past as I knew it and my past seemed discordant with whatever we may have been able to build next. But I am writing because I think that I am on to something momentous with this observation about the way that we all behave. You may be having a relationship or an experience with someone. But you are also having multiple relationships of a sort. You are having reminders and memories that are being processed through you. You are having physical and emotional tests taking place as you appear neutral, perhaps even laughing with someone and giving them good eye contact. All of that is going on and you are coming to conclusions that you weigh and decide whether that person is a friend or foe. They are also doing the same with you. With all of that judging going on, you really do not know how much of the experience is authentic to the moment. The only way to know, is to be genuine yourself. It takes maturity to listen to someone arguing with you or blaming you for something you have no inkling of, and just allowing them to vent and then resisting the urge to argue back to win. What you do next is also of importance, because, after they calm down and even if they apologize, you have to be willing to not lord things over the other person. You accept their 'difference.' They were able to show you by their actions, a way that something small can become big. They have shown you the way that misunderstanding can lead to unpleasantness, and that ultimately, we are all like little frightened children at the end of the day.

So, my friend called me and apolagized for her behavior. I am glad that that is now behind us. However, I really hope that we do not go down that path again, because I was truly fed up with her.I think that writing my true feelings about it all here has opened up something about me that I have to acknowledge. I attract friendships like hers, however, usually my friends have been men and they have not discussed things on the level of this friend, meaning, instinctive dislikes and jealousies. Yet, I am a listener. I know that that is appreciated. I like solving problems, so I listen a lot. I get pleasure out of solving someone's issues with them. That is the draw. However, as in all things, you pay for whatever actions you covet. So for me, that action produces a neediness that can be a bit much to take. What ends up happening to me is that the relationship becomes imbalanced. The person starts calling me much more than I would ever call them, and they would want to call me at all hours. They would not feel odd to call me five times a day to help them straighten out their lives. It ends up being a dependency that I now have to temper by selecting when to speak with them. What also happens is that it puts a strain on the relationship, so when I have my own issues, I keep my own council more than not, and when finally the other person actually bothers to ask me about me and I reveal an issue, I find that I get interrupted by their experiences and their solutions. Thus, I am now very aware that my situation is not a priority to them. The good thing about that is that I cannot become dependent as they do to me. But, I then feel that I am no longer a friend but working in a role of psychologist. My way of dealing with this cunundrum is to withdraw into my own life. I always have things to do, so I get myself busy as a way to solve my own problems and to keep my friendship healthy.

about that mango...

I wrote yesterday that I still find my mind wondering about juliemagoman. I must make clear that although he brought out the actual L O V E feeling in me, I didn't really know him. Do we ever know anyone?I had issue with communicating with him as we lived in different countries. Going out today is not like it was before I got married. You like someone or someone likes you...you exchange information and the dance begins. They start texting you, you start texting back. Instantly, the first rules of etiquette surface...how much is too much? What happens when you become comfortable with each other? He tells you that his phone died and that he couldn't send you a Facebook text either? When does that little bit of poison called doubt start filtering into the heat? Jumiemangoman told me his plans and dreams and then ghosted.I had to find out that he returned to his marriage via Facebook. I got no heads up at all. For the third time with him, he left me feeling on top of the world and those feelings came crashing down and to make things even worse, I was not surprised by what happened. He was not as in charge of his life as he lead me to believe. I did feel a tiny bit better to read the words from her saying..."guess whose back together!" As she smiled into his face as he looked like a deer caught in headlights, her hand placed on his chin as though she were working him like the puppet he probably is. I sound bitter. .......................................................................................... These experiences take a great deal out of me, and that is why they are infrequent and far between. I do not seek people out. They gallop over. (lol) But he brought out feelings in me that I did not even suspect about myself, and that was such a gift to me. I am grateful for it. .......................................................................................... To avoid the dating mind field I just don't play. My sister and I were talking about a cousin of ours, as I am on this topic. He comes across like a choir boy. But she and I now have his number very, very well. He leaves broken hearts in his wake. You do not see him coming. He uses his looks, great manner and ability to listen more than he talks, and he is also funny and charming. To his credit, we think that he actually does fall in love with the woman he chooses. He is like a lightening bolt, he gets all dramatic about marriage and forever and is overly enthusiastic about the relationship. He is a text addict...writing you during work hours, leaving work early to swing by your house for a quicky...he tells them that he's never felt like that before and that they must be soulmates, he just knows it. He introduces the person to us....they meet us...thrilled that he is letting them into his sanctum santorum...his family...it must be serious! You could see them literally thinking that he is the bestest guy in the world and that they are so lucky! What did they do to deserve him? Then BAM!Just as the woman starts exhibiting love and accept, expectations and shuffling around her life to accommodate him, he bounces right out of their lives and I am very embarrassed to report that he also left one of those ladies pregnant. But she was wise and sued him in court. ........................................................................................... When you know stories like that, it makes all of the great stories...and there are way more beautiful endings than disasters (thank god) that I can relate to. Stories like his make you cautious. I do still believe that building on a friendship despite the crazy chemistry that you feel, is imperative!You can't make someone love you. You can only do your best. That last experience I had, the conversations showed me who he was, and I have to state that I feel a bit sorry that he is in that place. He was brave to tell me that he has no money, he suffers from depression, and that sex for him only involves penetration and kissing. (That's a lot of honest information right there)and I didn't dump him.I wanted to contact him and ask him to meet me, and i was going to let him know that it coudn't work out...but I think that he caught wind of my intentions and bailed before I could do it. Whatever the situation, here I am now. Fresh Start. Fresh Start all around. In work and in play. I think that 20-20 is a good time as any for this new start.

So, it's me

Ok...so, I read the situation from the start, or from very early in the game...yet, I usually find myself settling in quite nicely...sometimes for years...but as stated before, post divorce, I have yet to find myself with a steady relationship or steady anything...so it bears noting. IS IT ME? In a way, yes, it is me. There are things that I do not tolerate as I used to. If I cannot communicate them, then whomever cannot take it, that is not on me. It just means that we have different views on the topic. It doesn't mean that whatever it is is impossible to move past. Over the decade, my encounters seemed to me to be getting shorter and shorter and worse and worse. But my question put to me tonight , I finally turned it around to me and the response was surprising. My last experience, I really did not consider the person romantically, and the more we talked, the less compatible he became...yet I felt bad about it. If I stop feeling bad about it, I know that I saved myself a lot of time and regret. I think that part of my frustration comes from some foolish belief system that says that relationships are to go a certain way. My attitude about being risk averse is also not correct, if I really were, I would not have even considered giving him the time of day. However, as I did, it is clear that I wanted to give him the benefit of my doubt...this makes me chuckle a bit, as I recall the advice given to my friend about her invitation. What are my expectations? I have been telling myself the worst things, thinking that somehow I am preventing some outcome that would bring me low, when actually, the very voice is creating the low, negative feelings, and I have called myself out on it. It is madness actually. How in the world can I want better and yet, my inner voice is sabotaging me at every turn? WHAT! Schizophrenia anyone? I am feeling very empowered right now, calling out my inner bullshit! Very proud of myself indeed. When I was a child, when someone upset me, I used to hold grudges. I thought that I had grown out of it. Fat chance. (ha,ha) I could make all of this a lot easier by writing that sometimes things just don't work out. That would avoid my headache. But I know that I would return to this later and possibly after a bigger shadow being cast on the matter. I admit that I am afraid of putting my feelings out there...although I have acted as though I was completely ready, willing and able. In fact, the way things worked out, it was set up as though it was about the other person and never about me. My divorce hurt my heart. I was really heartbroken despite how right it was to do it. I miss the friend in him that I had. I miss many things from the relationship. I made the right choice to divorce. ................................... I have gone from not wanting to commit to telling myself that perhaps I should try to put myself 'out there'...I think that that is too vague for something so serious about myself. I don't want to see! I really want the kind of passionate, bananas feeling I had with juliemangoman...whom I still find myself thinking about when I don't want to.,,,but this entry is hella long...so that's it for tonight.

those whispers

Here I was, minding my own business, when a thought occured to me. Is it possible that many things that I have fretted about, I have played as a ruse? I suddenly concluded that it may be me who is actually risk averse, or a better way of writing it, is that there are things that I say that I want, I even believe that I do, but when they do not work out, I am internally relieved. I need to just come out and type where this train of thought came from. I was focusing on my dismal romantic track record, and it came to me that perhaps I am the one who cannot seem to commit, and not the persons I have attracted. This 'thought' happened oddly enough because of a friend's call yesterday. She wanted some advice about an invitation she got to a party. She already decided that she was not going to go, but the person had been very helpful to her in the past...so she felt a certain obligation. However, she was loathe to go because she really felt that the person wanted her to visit because of the past help, and she was loathe to think that there was a tit for tat. My friend is very introverted, so I mentioned that it might be a good thing to actually go out for a change. But then she went out to explain in greater detail what the person was all about...eventually I agreed with my friend, as the person was actually inviting her out to show off their connection and to ask her to entertain her other friends with her great singing voice. That handled, tonight, my friend calls me about the talk we had the day before, starting by asking me whether I think that she is a lonely person? From there, it got into weird territory where she remembered our talk very differently that I did...accusing me of not being a good friend because I sided with the woman wanting her to visit. After losing my temper a bit...as I found the entire conversation petty...I said some very clear things...about our friendship, including that friendship as far as I can see is not based on pleasing the other person but on being genuine as much as possible. We did not get very far, as she mysteriously got another call as I was asserting myself and literally dressing her down in the process....what the bizaare exchange did do though was alert me to an aspect of relationships that I think being single for so long and getting older is doing to me....that being, having no patience with what to me is going way above and beyond putting the other person at ease, making the other person feel good about themself, re-assuring them and then finding many times that the conversations always lead to them with very little concern for what is going on with me...and if so, those are few and far between, making me unwilling to want to share much about myself. Am I a cold fish? Am I too set in my ways to give my heart to anyone? Tonight I went as far as telling her that this is the second time in all the years we have known each other that she has made a very warped conclusion of my character...yep...I pulled that card, and that if she is inclined to view me that way, then maybe our friendship isn't what I believe it is, and maybe we should re-assess what it means for the both of us. I am not at all unhappy with being so forthright, but now I am wondering whether I am an all or nothing kinda gal? Am I? I have known her for more than a decade. Most of my relationships are long ones. Yet, it has been a decade since my divorce and I feel untethered to the extent that I am now asking myself, is it possible that I have no tolerance anymore with anyone? Even those who like me? Or to be more to the point, IS IT ME?

I am a work in progress...something good happened today when I went for my usual exercise and recalled some of the negative things I tell myself. First of all, I isolated the things...lined them up in list form. Then, taking them one at a time,I dismantled every one of them. It didn't take much time, and the way that I felt afterwards was worth it. For a long time I could not reconcile two opposing beliefs I put to myself. One, that I can be mistaken about my negative self talk and, two, that the reality I base my personal criticisms on are real and must be confronted. Now I understand that everything is an illusion from the perspective that whatever I confront as needing to work on,I accentuate. It doesn't mean that I am more left than right....neither is the issue. A table and chair are real enough. It is what I choose to focus on that propels my reality in whatever direction I feel most comfortable with. What this little exercise did for me today is literally stack my belief system from the past against what I am seeing now. In so doing, I saw how very long I was holding to a personal prison of my own making. To be fair to myself. this is happening to most of us on the planet. Who knew what good friends, practically family all that negativity became.It sounds trite, it sounds obvious...but it is also true....you really have to just literally say to yourself that you are not going to make negativity your default setting. Having feelings, thinking that something may be bad for you...all of that is fine....what isn't fine is the constant dialogue of nitpicking at yourself. That is not ok. In the past I even tried the....would you say the things you say to yourself to other people? That worked sometimes, but that can;t always work because I easily choose how to behave for the world at large. I am clearly not always being myself with others for a variety of reasons. Exhaustion has brought me here.I can't keep listening to myself pull myself down as much as I have. Now, as I stated before, when I start on my bad talking....I can listen to all of it and break it apart for what it is.

EH?

Why am I writing now? I should be asleep. I have an early day tomorrow...yet, I find myself thinking about my ex-husband...nothing specific...just the whole relationship that was and is now. When I think of all of the tumult, I wonder about him. My instincts are telling me that I can reach out to him to help him become less angry....reality shouts, how the hell are you going to do that! Lol. My purpose for wanting that is obvious...my child has to deal with him all of the time.I think to myself, surely there is something I can do? Not fueling his behavior has worked for years. But as stated before, recently he seems to press against mu consciousness, or is it just my wishful thinking? I shall definately return to this train of thought in the future.

mechanism

As I set out on my new path, I am confronting some old stories. The difference this time is my awareness. Of course I have hopes and dreams, and I have experience. I know that what I think and even imbue with energy does not come to pass. Sometimes it is a great thing, but not while it is happening. For example, I may go through an experience and wonder what outcome will occur, and my vision would be Hollywood-esk, a complete literary bombshell! But the reality would be something more subtle. It may include aspects of my belief, but it would definately not happen as my mind told the stories. This is the case with creating a new business. I have been here many times, so much so that I see no need to really write up a business plan. What sends my mind in directionless spaces, is the fact that as a creative person I have a deep desire to just sit at home and make and make, and make work. (Sounds great!) But, bills come every day. So, I am also sending the message out to one or two people that I am looking for work. I am also considering brushing up on some skills and learning new ones. All of this sounds pro-active and really smart. Sure, but really, my concern is money. I am feeling alright about it at the moment, but at months end I would have paid out my usual bills and then what? Like everyone else in the world,I have certain debts that keep me having to work to pay them. Lol. What I am hearing myself saying is that I want to do a fun, soul satisfying job and I want to be able to pay my bills and do the things that I want to do in a comfortable way. Can I do that? ............. I believe that the answer is yes, I can do that. How do I go about it? ............. Diversifying is at the heart of the answer to the questions that I am putting to myself. I have to just do something towards my goals every day...which I am doing. I know that I shall feel discouraged, and even worse... pointless in my progress. However, all of this is part of anything one does in ones working life. My solitary nature exacerbates and makes large to me things that everyone feels but somehow manages via friends, ambient noises, music and other distractions. I have the opportunity now to start again, something that I know many people would literally kill to be able to do. I am feeling the vastness of the fact and now feeling my feet.

wonderful roots

Something wonderful is taking root within me. I have worked a very, very long time to get my mind right, and I am finally seeing and feeling the payoff. I don't know how to explain it really, but I will write that a little positive thinking and awareness of what is right and beautiful in my world has been part of the process. To my utter joy today I got up and found that my mind kept moving toward solutions and plain old garden variety good thoughts. Good thoughts produce good feelings. It sounds so absurd.,,but in the past I would be wary of such beliefs as I had become so used to falling into my very worst expectations that even if something good turned up, I was sceptical about it. A big part of the change has come from accepting that negative things can still be great, it can offer you the opportunity to find a way that you have to find anyway. It doesn't mean that you are not angry or sad, it just means that managing expectations with hope is a better way to achieve a way out of a challenging situation than isolating oneself with the very pain one feels. Of course it gets harder and harder to do when the emotional blows seem to be racing toward you, giving you no time to breath out. It is the hardest thing in the world to see all of it with humor or with a belief that it will eventually pass. Sometimes, all you can do it be still, as there is nothing for it. I believe that that is where my friendship with myself lies. I know that I am in whatever 'this' is, and I know that if I have no support, I am my support. I check myself, and know that I am still standing, even amidst what seems to be impossible odds. My fight or flight is trembling. I am terrified. I know whatever I do may prove wrong. I know I have to act. I hang on to my dangly bits and jump. Wherever I land, I have me. I will be alright.

What it takes

So I did the usual this morning, I got up and stayed in bed and gave thought to what I am going to do next. I worked myself up into a lather following my wild thoughts around and it was fun. I focused on a project that I shelved so long ago, I cannot recall when I first came up with it. What I do know is that it is still viable. I am looking at forming my studio like I'd planned to. All of my plans culminate in a space in which to work. This entry is just my preamble. Lol.

new year/new work

The world seems completely out of control. If I believed in it, I would agree with the doomsday sayers that WE ARE IN THE LAST DAYS....All of Australia is on fire. Donald Trump and the nation of Iraq are staring each other down, not budging about impending World War III and it is not even mid January 2020.I am grateful for one of my favorite sayings...when nothing is promised...everything is possible.. That brings we some reprieve. Also, after always being terrified of what can happen next, there comes a time amazingly enough, that fear becomes the charge by which all actions can spring in a good way. By terror being fed everywhere to everyone all of the time, one can say, oh, it's like the landscape, familiar and a bit distant, but I could easily touch part of it. I will not be doing my usual work this semester. I found out a few hours ago when I checked the schedule. This means that I have the opportunity to do all of the projects I set out for myself. It also means that there is no more time to be unsure about my next steps. I am excited and I am terrified at once. I am so glad that terrified no longer feels the way it used to. I know to take everything one step at a time and all will be well. The other day I was thinking about my life and I got to a stage where everything just felt so heavy. There seemed to be a huge map before me of confusing steps and mis-steps. I had to tell myself that my musings were unfair to me...what was the purpose of focusing on everything with regret?All of my life has not been a waste. Slowly, I perked up as I thought about my child and experiences that mean a great deal to me. Eventually, even the things that have made me doubt and question did not seem only about pain, but about growth too. I am such a solitary person that ever so often I am reminded that I experience the life of the hermit...I have a great deal of time with my thoughts. I think that I spend more time with myself than with any other person. That of course is a factor in the judgements I place on myself. PERSPECTIVE...is everything.

what you resist persists

How many times have I read that whatever you want in life you must embody it first?A ton of times!Now that I take my emotional and energy temperature all the time, my eyes are opening wider and wider. I see when I experience conflict in others, the importance of letting them speak, so I can see where they are coming from and what they are saying and not saying. I now am able to onserve without feeling that I need to fix their problem. I also know now how to not absorb their anxiety. What has been interesting too is observing where I connect or attract a particular energy. My mother and I had a funny incident that proves this. She bought a large container of milk with a screw cap and I kept it to put n the kitchen cupboard. usually I know that she doesn't keep them because we do try to keep plastics, but we just can't keep everything for re-use. So she saw it and told me that she was throwing it away. I took it up and stashed it in the laundry room next to the iron. Hours later, she's back from the super food market and has two large containers of the same milk. They are joined together by a hard plastic ring like the kind you see for six pack beer. She is able to push one open, but the other one gives her trouble and the black clasp to open the milk breaks off and is nowhere to be found. What does she need? She needs the cover of the milk container I felt somehow compelled to keep...but she has thrown it away in the trash. We had a good little chat about intention, hunches and blind faith. That made us feel a sense of spiritual support from that experience. I have had this also happen with other little things, like taking too many paper towels in the morning and then realising that I need it for something completely unrelated, or someone needed one. Those little moments of kismet are beautiful to behold. Everything feels like it has lined up and that your intelligence is way greater than you actually give yourself credit for. If only you would tune everything out all of the time and focus squarely on the natural rhythm of the world!Perhaps I have to confront what I receive, more. I have so many moments where I could have acted, but chose to decline. I know that I am improving. Once upon a time I would have pycho-analyzed everything I just wrote. On yet another note, I had a situation happen yesterday where I met an old colleague. I had not seen him in a few years. I had gone to the pharmacy with my aunt. I saw him first and approached to wish him all the best for the new year. He was so rude and obnoxious, thinking he was being complementary and ...I suppose clever. It was horrendous. I told him point blank that he was being mean, but he just kept up his onslaught until I finally made an escape. I have to note that I had a similar odd energy from a guy I paid to drop me to and from on or before New Years Eve. It is as though the person doesn't like me. They don't wish me well, but they are attracted to me. I am thinking that after all of tis time there is something in that sense of rejection. Attracting rejection...I used to be loathe to be in a situation where someone showed that they didn't like me. I can recall one or two experiences where I was bullied, and the person, a bigger girl terrified me in primary school. But with that guy at the pharmacy, I heard everything he said and I had the best reaction I could not have imagined in the moment....I said to myself, I don't care what he thinks or says. This certainly isn't about me at all. I stepped back from all the trash he was spilling. Earlier that day, I was not feeling one hundred percent about myself. I was doing the negative self talk, but by the time we were on our journey my mood lightened. Clearly, that person picked up on it and matched his with mine. I believe that that is why so many of us believe in bad luck, karma or black magic. The body reacts long before the mind processes the pros and cons of a situation. What I really love about the way that I think now is that I know that I do not have to believe everything I conger up. I don't have to believe everything that I think. I don't have to imagine that someone is talking about me negatively...it doesn't matter if they are, that is their right and none of my business. Even if I am the worst person someone can encounter, as long as I am minding my own truth, my own concerns and not pushing my emotions on others...that's what matters. I have never understood why anyone feels that they have to have other people to be able to be at their best. However, as much as I enjoy my time, I do miss my best friend...gone a decade now! How absurd is that! Ten years in a few months... I do miss my ex- husband as well sometimes. I have decided to confront all of the things I cringe about and find my way to the other side. if I don't do that, I will just be making a bigger deal and building a threat to myself that I will then have to deal with. Right now, my desire is to focus on my very,very best.

seeing double

I had my first day back doing my exercising and was graced with a fantastic sight of a full rainbow and three-quarters of a second one above the first to nearly equal chromatic splendor. It felt as though I was walking inside a film set. It was perfection! The year has begun with a sleepy, quietness that cannot last, but is deeply appreciated.