Waaaay

December is here! What a year it has been!I have learned so much, experienced things, felt greatest dismay and sadness but have also come to know that there is great metal within me, great strength and I must also state, beauty. I fight! My countenance is serene. Gosh! The year ahead....I face continued anxiety, wanting to start new things that have been on very short lists for years...a proper consideration to what I am to be doing in my career. An expectation that things shall run closer to plan and exceed them. That money and opportunities towards same shall come and again exceed expectations.

prepared

I can't recall how many times I have said that I want to have an online shop. I see it as an opportunity to create limited edition things that I enjoy making, having another form of income, giving someone or more a part time job (because I will need to do this once it gets going) and the general joy of knowing that I created a consistant form of income from an idea. So finally it is coming to pass. I am excited and shall be writing about this.

more, more, more

It is that time of year where some of the Christmas spirit gets into you making you feel a sense of joy. I also think that it has to do with coming to the end of the term too. A bit of looking forward to not feeling like I am going like a freight train! Jeez! What a fast few months! I learned a lot from the last thirteen weeks.This morning I did the usual. I got up and stayed lying down with my eyes closed. I heard myself say that I have had so many ideas over the years, a dizzying amount. One idea is all I need to focus on of all of them. I know the idea that came to mind. I will not state it here, as I want to act on what was said to me. I got up and felt a sense of wonder about it all. My higher self, thank you for the statement.

well

The American ELections are over and being tallied at this time. I do not want to hear anything, but mom and my daugter are fully invested in it.It is very early in the race to get invested or concerned. My neice voted but my sister didn;t realise that the Bali, Singapore trip she wanted to takw for over a decade and finally did with the love of her life...meant that she couldn't vote, so she is disappointed about that. Meanwhile, I can be so blaze as well because I am just simly tired. Tired. So much is continuing to go on, and I am about to read myself the way I did my students this evening. I 'read' them via the work that they give to me. Of my own work, I can say right now that I must give up some of the things that clearly impair my process to make work. I just gotta do it.

traveling along with them

Last night mom and I git the bright idea to follow my sister's itinerary via You-tube. My sister woke my mom up at three in the morning to bitch and complain about her travel companion's choices of the hotel. Mm of course bolted up and could not go back to sleep under the circumstances. I have told mom many times that I really hate that my sister does that to her. She calls in a frantic way and she doesn't ever ask whether it is a good time or what mom happens to be doing. I also got really pissed because the person she is travelling with has organized the entire trip and is paying for her, so she is a guest and the whole affair is a gift, so carrying on as she is smacks of lack of gratitude! So, we decided to check out what others have to say and recommend about the entire trip that she is taking and in a flash, the behavior changed considerably. We can see what other travellers have done, how they have recommended using means of transport...what they ate, what it cost. What the weather is like...it is an excellent way to see in real or recent time frames what to expect. Mom and I are absolutely enjoying being able to be on the vacation with her of sorts. We can see where she is going next, see whether the hotel is actually nice and what ot really offers. We know that it is a town with a large shopping mall and western eating places. My sister cannot seem to stomach the natural foods! Waw! Imagine always wanting to go to that part of the world and then not liking a big part of the experienceOur neighbor is also going to the same place. She is in Amsterdam right now with the intention of travelling there in a day or two. We suspect that like my sister's friend, she too did not get a visa for the place. So we shall see what is going on with that. Travelling has changed, and mom and I are saying that we love the change. We appreciate being able to see what a place is like so that we can actually know whether we want to visit a temple on a Tuesday, or take a taxi to a night market or an artisan village. What all of this has done is make us excited to plan something soon perhaps even a staycation sort of thing, as there are a few places we keep saying we want to go to and haven't.

lots of parallels

Yesterday my mom was equally as dispondent as I about her own projects. One of them was the fact that as Secretary in two of her NGO's, she is one of the hardest working people in the group. I have seen the President call her constantly for reference material and advise on several occassions!Mom was supposed to go to France this year with her group, but in typical fashion, a few of the members at the top decided to splinter off and go without really telling anyone how they could have also gone to Rome. They also went like tourists, where the findings that they should have come back with and reports they should have written where really quite half assed! All of this annoyed my mom of course. So yesterday mom is strongly consideing resigning from this group she has been in for a staggering 40 years! I had a serious talk with my mom about this labor of love group she has been in forever. We concluded that there are things that she clearly loves about the group. We looked at it hinestly and also at the things that drive her crazy and disappoint her. It took some doing, as the whole thing also has some nostalgia to it and there is also a bit of ego too. By helping my mom with her decision, I also heard what I too was learning with my own decisions on the ngo I am involved in and also my job. For both of us, we are people who commit to what we do. We stay the course sometimes at our peril. We enjoy what we do and we want to do more, but we also know only too well that we cannot do what we do for free. We have to make our contributions such that it is without question that the things we want to get out of doing the things we do, actually come to pass. We both want to be published. We do want other people to be more responsible and pro-active. So this is where we both are, and we now know how we shall go forward.

and then this happened

When the new term begins, us part time lecturers know that we shall most likely not see any salary for a month. It can be rough going, and none of us can manage on that salary alone. What is also expected is that the contracts are almost never, ever given out when the semester begins. Infact we have received contracts sometimes as late as November for a September to December semester. This term, the contract was prepared by the third week in Spetember and the Secretary also happened to send both the claim forms and the pay dates too. This is usually something that also never comes together. Last year I checked the pay date form and put my claims in on the deadline only to be told that mine happened to be the last one 'in' to the department. I was very confused about that because the payment slip states that the date is the time to put in the claim? Anyway, I remembered the experience, so I decided to prepare my form a whole week early. Well guess what? My salary did not come in on the expected pay date of the 24th! I contacted HR and Payroll and was told that no contract for the semester was received! What it means is that I will not be paid until the end of November! I would be working for three months without a salary! I cannot begin to state how I felt when I was told that! Particularly as I am going way above and beyond (as usual) in the department with the Installation project that I am delivering on the 28th which is Monday and then another big department presentation on the 7th of November! I felt so despondant and grieved about this happening to me yet again!

watcha doin' about it

I see what I am hearing as distracting.This reminds me of something that happened to me years ago where I felt ganged up on. I decided to stay as still as possible and sort of listen, focus I suppose on my breathing and I would say that it also an acknowledgement that I am not the moment...but bigger...not the body...but something bigger. That is the only way to describe it...in that moment, I saw as though in meditation, that these people had gathered together for my benefit. I remember seeing in my minds eye a chessboard and myself and them people on different sides. I am not seeing a chessboard here,but I do not need to in this case. I have decided that this experience is a teaching one for me. In fact I have found this year that that is my general attitude to everything I have been going through. I find it very helpful. Instead of focusing on personalities, I get quiet and listen and when I do that I don't feel that I take on to any great extent the bad energy that is being sent my way.

One of those things

Ever walked into a conversation had about you by family who tell you nothing but god stuff? But now they are saying things about you that they have never ever said to you to someone esle? Well, that was my experience these last two days. It happened twice with my sister and my mother. It is a hell of a thing, because in my sister's case,she keeps asking me how I am doing, asking about how my daughter is doing and I have been absolutely normal with her, listening to her advice, having what I thought was open discussion. My sister is also having the discussion in favor of my ex-husband. She is siding with him regarding what has most recently happened now that my daughter does not want to live with him anymore. There was a desire to listen to as much of her vitriol as possible. But a much deeper desire to let it go prevailed. Also,as I was hearing the conversation go in and out of earshot, I found the grace and instinct to know what her words are mostly about her own experience. In fact I will now write that who knows what is repeated that I have said to my mother that I assumed was between us, that my mother has repeated to her to make her feel the way that she does about me? From the way this entire situation played out, I have to acknowledge that indeed this must be the case. My sister smiles to my face and occassionally does confront me over a matter...as she did several months ago. As the saying gos, she came for me in a way I could not understand at all. She literally interrogated me about my ex-husband and I will admit that to end the barrage of criticism and shouting at me, I decided to give her what I felt she wanted. I apologized for not telling her how I was feeling in the moments she demanded answers to. I explained that I felt humiliated and embarressed to have met someone who would do some of the things that he did. I bowed, scraped and acted absolutely contrite to not have been more vulnerable, humble and appropriately weak in her presence of rightiousness. etc, etc. I went a little further and even asked her whether she was satisfied even a smidge by my explanations from that time? What more could I do to appease her beliefs of that time? It absolutely worked when I pushed back with my arsenal of treakle heavy platitudes where she could be the victor and me the vanquished. It takes nothing to make a bully satisfied. It costs nothing to step aside from what I know and what the bully is all about.

good exhaustion

I am seeing some tiny improvements in my way of doing some of the things that I have been wanting to change. The best part is that I am enjoying the process.The bigger concern is my daughter's comfort, and despite feeling stressed and anxious about her day to day travel,and I know that I shall continue to feel that way until she leaves school....and then I shall start all over again when she goes on to college and into the world of work and so on...she tells me that she is.We have much to do though, as I was in the process and continue to be moving things out of my room and changing things around. I have not been able to do much more in the last two to three weeks.But it has been started, so there is no going back where that is concerned. She and I were talking about what we plan to do next. Also my neighbor is travelling until the new year and I have decided to use her departure as a guide to all the things that I want to achieve in the next two months. Some of the things I want to do is to store my things in the garage, but to really do a thorough listing and photofile of what appears in each for easy access. I have to make some hard choices about some of the things I shall have to throw away. But then, more space shall be given to the space. I do not plan to work in the garage and/or make it into a studio space, for the simple reason that it is a relatively open room and I feel that I may be jumpy being in it because of all of the animals and insects that scurry and fly through the space all of the time.How I shall actually use the space apart from one for storage remains to be seen. But for now, that is my intention. There are things around the house needing to be done and I am excited to see at least one of the things done before the new year.

what are you telling me?

One of my favorite cousins was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. He kept in touch with us through all that he was going through and then in the end, he succumbed to it a few weeks ago. Over the years he was such a loving, kind, smart, athletic and giving person. So it came as quite a shock when at his funeral which we were given a link to because it was held in London, we saw a number of things that just confused us in the extreme.It began with seeing his brother sitting with two people whom we considered his family, only to find out that my cousin,whom as far as I knew lived alone...was alledgedly involved with, lived with, had a stepchild and two children with...adopted? I don't know...this whole life just came out that we knew nothing about. What's weird about all of this is the length of time we spent with him where he could have revealed this to us. It was his life, so why would he never mention these people? I was so shocked by these developments that I took several hours going through every piece of correspondence I ever had with him. I remembered him telling me that he had been in a relationship and that it ended and he was depressed for awhile, like a year or two and then to my memory he sent me three pictures of himself and a new love in his life.I cannot find those pictures anywhere! But then, I have deleted emails in the past and that message may have been one of them. My reaction also comes because I don't understand it? I can't fathom the contrast between the person I knew and loved and the new information that I feel did not have to be hidden for any reason whatsoever. It was as though I was watching someone elses funeral and not my cousins.His passing was upsetting enough, and then that! I am still expecting some answers about this whole thing. On the one hand, I should care less whether my cousin had this life I knew nothing about. He could do whatever he wanted with his life. But it is just that it has come out of such left field that I am stunned!I am made to wonder about his life in a way that I never expected.

what's up doc!

What experiences I have been having. The first being talk even less and observe even more. The next, keep your assumptions your own observation. There may be no need to get a second or third opinion from others. You may be absolutely right, but that doesn't mean that you have to air the opinion. Talking about other people's lives is none of my business, and it may make me a bland person, but I can discuss ideas instead. I can discuss experiences. I don't have to bring up hunches about people. I state this because I recently found out that someoen I know who got a large financial windfall had to spend it on some serious health issues. I had some old views about the person and was assuming that he was just moving true to form, only to be told by a friend about his challenges. I felt like an asshole about it. Then there is the fact that I can be self rightious sometimes too. I assume that I am doing my best and being this good person, but sometimes I have no idea how I may actually be coming across to others. I need to sometimes just step back and not be so willing to give advice or to think that my opinion is helping.

when control is out of control

The behavior of my ex-husband has been so upsetting that I don't know where to begin. This has a very long history of gradualy becoming all that you despise. I remember the Howard Stern movie where that was exactly the case with the station manager that Howard worked for. The manager was so concerned with keeping him on the straight and narrow that he completely lost it.The need to have some sort of ultimate power over our daughter, seeing infractions in her every move! How could he begin to think that she would want to stay with him? He began this fruitless quest by making a list ofdemands that to many adults may seem almost reasonable. Exercise, study, he gave specific times to do them and then the caveate, you cnanot see your mother until the end of the semester and for only one week. He came to this conclusion when at the end of the 'summer' break she stayed one extra day with me and was then invited to a school party with a friend whose birthday was the last day of the holiday. Paranoid much! She felt put upon, but realised that he never really stays home to make sure that she do anything. He goes out alot and doesn't care to check in with her anyway. But then, he began to up the stakes. He didn't want her studying in her room. He began to say negative things to her when she seemed to not move to his rules quickly enough and SHE had enough! I am deeply proud of her for standing her ground and being adamant that she shall not allow him or anyone to ruin her schooling and control her life as he has tried to do! The first time, she sent his letter to her grnadmother , my sister and to his brother and neice. The second time she sent his scathing comments to her psychologist who agreed that she should leave, With the last and real nailed coffin, scorched earth going way too far! I even got involved and tried to write to him about his actions being way beyond reasonable. But he of course doubled down on his behavior instead. He fnally wrote a half hearted apology but continued to insult her prospects by saying that my family would drag her down to our level of miserable life. He is a piece of work isn't he? She has been through so much in such a short time! She is doing as well as can be expected. We are also making sure that she feels heard, safe and loved.

LEFT

My daughter and ex-husband went to a parent/student meeting on Friday. She was on her phone at one point and he kept trying to take it from her. She told him to stop and he then said that it seemed that she could be their without him then he got up and left. He just left her without her school bag or any money. She only had her phone on her and when she looked at the incoming message he wrote that she should pack her things and come to me, he was done with her. So now she is at my home. She wants nothing to do with him! The fact that he could pull this stunt of his, a stunt to get her to obey him, well he was severly wrong.She sees right through him. She has been wanting to leave for some time but he lives five minutes walking distance from her school, whereas I live an hour and fifteen minutes away. The whole thing is a travesty!But so it is.

can you think

One of my students who came late to my introduction to the Librarian, was so amazed at his conversations on their future that she was blown away.What she said to me made my heart ache a bit. She said that before he brought up scholarships, she never ever thought that she deserved anything like considering a possible award. The idea that she was made to feel so far away from a possible better future because of the lack of information...this happens all the time. I think about the many times I read about a gallery, residency or award and see that people I know, know about things that they clearly keep to themselves. Everyone has their own plan for their lives. We are all doing our best. In my country as I expect is the same elsewhere,wants and needs drive our choices. This week I have heard two extremes, people who are trying all sorts of things to achieve an ounce of positive change. Others sound so well off, so rich and perfect that you sit in awe. The point is to mind your own business. ALso,let your mind wonder to possibilities where you can be whatever you really want to be. Know that somewhere someone is doing more with less than you have.

insomnia

My mom could not sleep last night. She was going over a lot of things, including taking on one or two things I said to her about myself and her grandaughter's complaints about her dad. To me, it was just this has been going on and this is what I am going to do and what she is going to do. But at three am, mom had become overwhelmed and woke me up. She just felt that so much was being piled on. This meant that we ended up talking until five. The conversation led to some breakthroughs. I have been finding lately that talking things out aloud is excellent for solving a problem, and when we do it as a family for bigger issues, we are golden. We had some tough moments of course. Those were the most important. There are times that I wonder about all of these moments. The ones that are very important and others that may have been a precursor to some part of my or someone elses future. Nothing is really wasted.Reading my old diaries, I wondered whether if I had known how some things would work out, would I make different decisions. Of course I would. But, ultimately if inevitably the choice is the same, then the moment can shift around all it wants...unless your sublte changes is all that alternate universes are made of. Anyway, it has been awhile since I have projected into the possible future ahead by a few years. When I was a child or teen, that speculaiton was enjoyed. Now, the day to day and week to week bombardment of news and speculations, so called entertainments and fearmongering is enough to do its horror job. I hope in my next entry I focus on my views without all the static.

the constant treadmill

In the middle of a meeting it occured to me how bizaar life can be. Here I was chatting with people I have had very opposite conversations with about what we were now discussing in earnest as though we were always allies and on the same page. The sense of duplicity was pungent. Yet, how could I manouvre in this circumstance?In the end I did what I always do, focus on the purpose of wanting to leave the best possible legacy. I find that the only recourse when faced with the politics of work.

It has been wild. My daughter got an ultimatum letter from her father where he was making certain demands of her. She was confronted again with the possibilities of leaving altogether. We spent the last few days discussing the best outcome. We did this together and seperately. The good thing was that we have talked about this challenge for months. So although we prepare for certain outcomes,actually experiencing it in real time is something else entirely. For my daughter it is a dress rehearsal. She has serious exams in the next six months and moving is extremely disruptive to her state of mind. Her father has challenged this three times when he was leaving last year and this year. The circumstances have been made useful to us, as we have chosen to see it as an opportunity. Sometimes I find that it is alot for her to go through, but she is such a strong person. She is a trooper. So I really want us to do some travelling by years end, after all that she has gone through. I must add that for myself as well, the situation has shaken up my attitude as well. Little shifts do so much and I am grateful for that.

and suddenly summer has passed

Always asked every year, where did the time go? Finally I got up the energy to push things out of the hallway and into the garage to go through. I have a few friends to thank for that. Starting with one who nags at me to put a studio in the garage and the other person because they want to keep discussing something that happened decades ago, so I need to check mydiaries to get the right quote from back in the day. That sounds so funny and it is. But whatever motivates. I suspect that I shall be writing more about how this shall get underway.

time travel

Looking back at my diaries, I came away with the feeling of having travelled and made impressions while fully aware of moving on.It felt as though very little time had passed, although so much indeed has. As I look forward, I am optimistic about the things that I plan. I still have so much that I long to do. There is also a sense of having been a survivor.I am wiser, sadder, happier...you name it.I am here.

existential thoughts

What I was feeling while my two friends talked shop was the feeling of being close to where I would like to go and better. The last time this was the case I was in Glasgow. In my field there are millions of people hoping and for successes of all kind. One of the conversations I had with my friend was the fact that the Arts in our country is not affixed to activism and should be, This has resonated with me because a lot of my work is hinged in it. It is sort of strange to be in such an orbit...I want my work to be seen. I want to make more work and of course I want it to sell well and to create a legacy. I had that usual wobbly feeling of where am I in the context of this experience where it seems that the two parties are successful and uber aware of where they are going, and I am a bystander to it all, so I feel weird. I was talking with a friend the day before about women in our profession...where are the exceptional ones in terms of powerful work.

So much was learned today.It began with a very different and good experience with the hairdresser who did a home visit. Her perspective on a variety of subject matter was refreshing and informative. Then I decided to go for a new look, I have not done that in ages! I went out later with two friends and at first I began to feel a bit intimidated as they were talking a lot of shop. But then I decided that I was not part of the conversation by chance.One of the things being spoken about was the challenges associated with getting work sold. We then left his shop and went to a restaurant that I have always liked, but had not been to in years. We had very invigorating conversation. I ended up telling my friend that yet again we needed to do what we were discussing as a podcast.Now written it doesn't sound remarkable...but I know that my mind felt massaged and illuminated today.

post, post

I am back. I am refocused. Thank you.

Different day

Unlike the last few days, I am fresh faced and bushy tailed. I am smelling the roses and seeing the horizon as past the hurricane. I got here through patience and that old optimism. As Dane Cook the Comedian said in one of his acts, after crying your eyes out you have to get better again. This is so true. Today I can write that I am now focused as I was doing before the crisis and triggering.

A word came to me as I was about to go to bed last night. That word was dissatisfaction. I feel that most of the time. I believe that that was one of the things that connected my ex husband and I as a mentor of ours had said to me decades ago. He said we were tied by misary. When he had made that statement, I was naturally offended.At the time he was my boyfriend, and I listened to his story with an ear of wonder and wanting to comfort him. But now, I see that connector. I see it because I am always at odds with myself. I cannot recall a time where I was satisfied with myself fully. I am also so conscious about everything to do with me. The way that I look. What I say. How I feel. I worry constantly about putting the right foot forward in a conversation. What happened last week really set an example for me to be more mindful of and challenged everything that I think that I am. This year I have also had a moment where I questioned whether I should just quit my field! I was just overwhelmed and devastated by the constant juggling to make ends meet. Even as I write right now, I know that I shall not ultimately achieve what I set out to in my psycho-analysis because I am writing from within a framework of so much bias and hurt that the most I can expect is to observe this and to do my best to do better. Does dissatisfaction help propel me forward? Perhaps? It has its advantages. Without it I may become so set in my ways, so comfortable that I might not strive to do better.

one more thing

after all of that griping, there is a sense of resiliance. There are no guarantees. I am proof of that. But also, there are no endings as long as you decide to change the story, the game, the thinking...whatever you want to call it. At my age, I can look back and remember what I was thinking when I was starting out. I can see how I put my footing. How I dealt with failure aplenty. I cannot then say that that is all that I am if I am truthful. I am way more than a one act. I feel down today and I will feel down again. But guess what, even within the down the up is always somewhere close.

...and so...

As I take care of myself, I take a moment to mull over the statement...TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I sometimes find myself quite moved by someone saying 'I' or 'Me.' It sounds so poignant to me. I marvel at the self possession of those pronouns. It tells me that there is a nurtured side to all of 'us'. Here we are, in this world at this time and 'we' believe that we are who we identify ourselves to be and we use a simple monacher to make it clear. I almost want to walk alongside a person and say 'we' and 'I' to their 'we' and 'I'. As 'I' too. It is delightful. It is an assurance in an unassured world. But, going back to what started this very longpost...in my trauma and my reaction to my friend/colleague...I had a flash back as well as a gradual coming forward, and in coming forward I was a bystander to myself. I saw how I react to certain things. I saw how I was wrong, or oblivious at times. It all felt as though my naivity was only a few years old instead of decades of my existance. Young, yet old...knowledgeable yet absolutely clueless. I can always cut others some slack...myself...not at all. I do this because I want slack cut for myself. Today I even felt weary about putting yet another desire into the world. I find that I ask for a hundred and I get like one percent. It is said that you must shoot for the moon to get that one hundred. So I wondered about whether my mindset is the cause of my one percent? It has to be? When I see so much success coming from everyone else around me, it has to be me who never got the rule book or memo or hints. ...but again...I am going down another road that I cannot navigate today. So I shall leave the footnotes here for another time. This may most likely read like a seesaw. I am up and then I am down, and this is what I am trying to come to terms with, this war with myself. These 'people' who are having all of their wild successes...I think that they just set their intentions and things work. I don't think that I cannot do that too. I just have to not be so splintered...too much of my resources are being used. I am heamorriging as it were. I must conserve my energy for the things that can benefit me. I am too drained...I cannot be of my best when I am doing so many things trying to make ends meet and none of the ends are catching....that's it for now...I wrote a lot, and I have much more to consider...but for now...this is what I have to type here.

alighting

What can you do when you feel disappointment with yourself? You can say, I will try again. As I stated in the last entry, a relative of mine is a good example to me regarding how to climb out of the hole. Yet, I am now faced with other holes. There are things that I confront every day. Exhausting things.Things that I wish I could shake off and laugh at. But the effort to ignore them ...and that's just it...ignore suggests to me to pretend that I don't see them. Again, that trauma from childhood worked itself very well into my psyche...that sense of failure...that belief that I was just no good! It made a permanent stain on me. But I was also lucky because I found early successes too. I had some very strong moments that I pulled out of myself. I am writing this morning to remind myself of that part of me...and I also remind myself that I was having a conversation on day two of said volanteerism about being mindful of one's confidence, one's strength...cultivating a sense of wonder and acceptance of who you are and all that is possible through you is key. I think that that is my saving grace. I also said that acknowledging the sides of myself that I struggle with that I just don't like...like the tantrum throwing...it came about because that is also me. When people say, 'that's not me.' To me that is always absurd. Of course it's you! It is very you. I cannot accept myself and ignore the parts that make me feel that my veneer is slipping. I am ugly, I am cranky, I am stupid, I am lazy, I am a lot of things along with brilliant and kind and funny and charming. So, I was done in by my absolute acceptance that I was worhtless in the eyes of other children or authority figures who judged me.But I also deflected the blows by sensing that those words could not hurt me. I was way more than those words could dent. I am never to forget that. It is only that sometimes, that old gramophine plays and its dented melody scrapes across my emotions and leaves a whiff of doubt and fear and I sometimes don't feel that I am nimble enough to remind myself of better, and that comes about when I am so high in my thoughts about getting to the finished line only to see the horizon change on me. So, yeh, I act as one would expect...I rail, I weep! I throw a tantrum! I have said to my students. it is ok to throw a tantrum. To scream and cry and say it is unfare. But it is not good to live there. PART 5

the void or avoid

This lack of belief or confidence or whatever it is that creeps up on me as a mascot for failure that I accept as fact has worn me down. I know all too well that thinking on what isn;t working only continues to give you more of the same. But this morning, I want to turn around and fight that monster and kill it for good! I have a dear relative whom I am fortunate to see this similar architype in. I have seen her tie herself in knots to make decisions.I have seen her be wishy washy and taken advantage of. She is the most beautiful, kind and wonderful person I know, and I can see from her that when she is in her moments where people ...including me, are not leaning on her for support. she can flourish. It is her very supportive ways that do her in every time. It is her wanting to be agreeable, wanting to help, wanting to please others that gets her in a place where she has to forego being herself. I see it becuase that tantrum I mentioned before had a lot to do with me overextending myself yet again. I can't seem to find one thing to pursue, excel at and be richly rewarded. My mind starts out with one task and then I splinter off into many directions trying to be all things to all people and mastering none. I have even found that sometimes I want to quit a conversation in the middle. Not because I know what the other person is going to say...but because what I am going to say is so shallow and stupid! What I mean by that is, I am paying lip service to a conversation that brings no solution to the topic...no change for the better...It is just me making small talk...even if I do have solutions I know that they are not going anywhere because the other person isn't going to make any adjustments either! Now to be fair to myself...I do think about ways I can take steps that I discuss. I do. I do try! I do splinter myself off to ponder and even act. But I splinter myself off so much that I also get nowhere because my efforts are only from me...so I really don't see any reward, any improvements after all my posturing! Now that is a hopeless statement I am giving about myself. But perhaps I should confront it. I do all of these things, thinking that I am making a good difference. But I am no better off for it. The hole that I am digging here is falling back on my head...I may be going too deep in the wrong direction...but this morning I want to peel back all the layers of this onion and get to the bottom of what is going on with me. So this is now....PART FOUR

see the hole

It is also easy to do what my ex-husband would do, believe that he was striving so very hard and others were reaping the successes and not him. I am glad for the example right now because it shows me the absurdity of that feeling. Of course it is easy to believe. But it sin't the truth. As I stated before, I instantly went back to a past when my world felt absolutely shattered. I also realised that I also had to confront all of the work that I thought all this time that I was doing to be better than that. to have 'gotten' over being sensitive and shattered and feeling like a victim and sorry for myself. But then again, I have always had a small compartment in my mind that believes that all I can do is shrink those feelings, never really get rid of them and the reason being....repeat above....if only this or that would work out....I could feel better about where I am going. All of this is exhausting. But it is also my belief. My life. My way of seeing through my eyes. I come to my online diary this morning because I want to make sense of all of this as much as I can. I only know that I just have to do something for myself here. Approaching issues in my life with old tools is not working. I think that getting these feeling out of my head...clearing the decks, is the way for me to go. Being at war with myself is a defeat. PART 3

the shovel

I decided that it went way back. Particularly when later in the evening, when the whole volanteerism was winding down, my friend changed the arrangements we had earlier that day. All of a sudden he was suggesting that my daughter get a lift with another colleague or with her friend who showed up about an hour after my tantrum. This about face was so startling that my daughter and I had a greater conversation about it. I discussed my tantrum with her, told her what I felt was going on with me and now ...this weird situation. After making me feel somehow in the wrong and telling me things like we are doing this for the project and yadda, yadda, yadda...he was very glib about changing up plans and not taking anyone else into consideration! He did apologise to me later, but it made me feel icky about it! I thought, here we go. I am beholden to another person here! Why are things this way? I had every reason to feel like that because this is the second volantary thing that I am doing when it would feel so much damn better if I were being paid! The spiralling was at the tip of my tongue or gut...I was a ball of trauma waiting to erupt, yet, as he dropped me home, I began to snap out of the sense of discomfort and confusion and then as I was getting into the house my mother made a comment to me that started out so wonderfully...she mentioned when I was in college and told me that she recalled me coming home for a weekend. I was feeling great hearing the recollection and then just like that, she punctured my baloon by saying fifteen, twenty pounds lighter! That stabbed at my heart so hard! I called up my daughter, she had arrived home and everything was good. I knew that she'd be fine, it was just that I do not take things for granted. Then, I got online because the same friend had sent some images to me from the volanteerism and I saw in full color those fifteen to twenty pounds of myself standing from the back and sides! It knocked the wind out of me. My baloon is in my gut and not my head! Lol. I can't do both. I can't feel both mentally and physically poor? That makes me laugh! I am crying and laughing! Today it was just a lot. I felt that my structure, sense of self, my confidence ...whatever makes me feel stable, was being rocked and crumbling. But, I also did not feel that I was somehow being annihialated because of it. Somehow, by gods grace, I intuited that I was also being moved to know something else. When I used the word trauma in connection with the exchange between my colleague/friend and I, I knew that it ran deeper than the moment. It took me back to when I didn't feel in any way in control of my life. I find myself stating many times, if only this or that had worked out...I would be feeling better about what I do next. PART 2

the year of digging

Remember the intervention I was part of on my birthday? Well it seems that I have now added some new discoveries to that awkward confrontation. But this time it came from me. Today I had a tantrum and it was a public one. I don't remember the last time that I had one, apart from when I was married. This was caused by overextending myself on the one hand. I walked into a conversation between two people, my daughter and a colleague/friend of many years. He and my daughter kid each other all the time. So the conversation that they were having involved a third party and my daughter was saying that she can't rely on her friends all the time. You see we were all volanteering at a place where getting others to help had proven to not work out. in fact as I write this, many people who are also involved in our ngo didn't show up or help either coming to think about it. Anyway,they were talking and I intervened because I had something to add. At first I was generalizing and then I was empathizing and then I was justifying. My friend said something about the person, my daughter's friend who had offered to show up, a number of statements, like...what kind of firneds do you have? My friends would never say that they are coming and not show up or call...to maybe she's left her house and is on her way and had some calamity happen to her. This is where things turned strange. I was suddenly called into the conversation by being told that I need to call her parents to find out if she is ok. My daughter had already made it very clear that her friend was being dropped by her father and was not coming on her own. But my friend kept insisting that I do something about it! He was so insistant that I began to feel pressured by it. He was not listening to my saying that her father was bringing her. Somehow I found myself stamping my feet and getting very irritated by the conversation. I ended up relenting, calling the parents....the friend of my daughter's had overslept, was absolutely safe at home and her mom agreed to have her come down and volanteer. I then decided to 'fix' the whole discourse by apologizing, stating that in the future I would handle the whole thing differently and still could not catch a break. This whole scenario sounds kind of silly, but in the moment it was furthest from silly and closest to a traumatic encounter for me. I had to take many steps back about what the hell is going on with me? My first thought was to defend my daughter's friend's absence. Then, I felt that my professionalism was being called into question! Then I felt sleep deprived and just weather worn...I had started the last two mornings getting up very early and doing two loads of laundry by hand because the washing machine isn't working and getting the repairman to fix it is turning into some sort of Kafkaesque drama! I realised that I am also very stressed and have no time to process all that is happening. But, I was not satisfied with thinking that that was all. I don't normally behave like that. Why was I feeling so peeved? So triggered? PART 1

recent bad mind turns good

Recently I agreed to do some work for someone based on another job that I am doing for the group that I am part of. I am being paid for it, so I assumed that the request was for something reasonable. NOTE TO SELF: Always ask about the job in every detailed form!!! I ASSumed that the document was a small one. It wasn't. It turned out to be a hundred page book! I did it for free! I didn't expect to, but here I was! Notwithstanding, the person asking was making all sorts of contorted faces about having no money etc,etc..anyway...yesterday, my mom and my daughter were tag teaming about what happened. They both were very concerned that I had found myself in that predicament and wanted to literally shake me. I felt the usual sense of embarressment and worthlessness begin to creep into my mind, then something interesting happened. I observed everything instead. I listened and I saw and felt how I was feeling. I was able to have a sort of outer body experience about the whole thing, and while there, I asked myself not only how I was feeling, but that the usual feeling was not one that I was choosing to accept today. Instead I asked myself how can I change this outcome in the future? How am I going to act the next time someone wants to get something free or for cheap from my expensive working ass! Lol!

Getting on with it

It is one of those things where after such a long time, and by this I mean decades of doing things with the play of common thoughts...you reach moments where the record shifts and changes its rhythm. You stop believing everything you think and thank god for that. You also stop considering anyone elses constant verbage that rhymes with garbage btw! Opening up thoughts to words like...suppose or what if is so excillerating!But one of the very big things learned this year came from a friend. He and another friend of mine met through me, and proceeded to have a good relationship. This went on until he pushed his luck with her goodwill. He literally pushed into her privacy and thought that his folksy nature could heal all ills. She was pissed and gave him the back the devil kneeds. (I think that that is the phrase?!) Anyway, she talked to me about him and he talked to me about her...and I was particularly not up to hearing any side! But nonetheless, there I was trying to appease them both.When he started going on and on, I realised something quite big. He was already past the situation. He had come to terms with the fact that they argued. He saw it as a tiff. I felt in my mind that she was taking it way further and feeling way angrier than he realised. I asked with trepidation...but suppose she doesn't want to make up with you? Suppose that this is it? He replied, nah, and if it is, I will always be ok with her. With that, I came to the most unexpected conclusion. So what? SO what is the big revelation? Yes, so what is a big, big deal! It is a big deal because I have always been of the persuasion that sometimes you can't go back. You can't blow something up and expect that it can come back together. It is not an unrealistic view. However, with his actions and words, I saw that sometimes when you blow up the bridge, it can blow up. it can slinter into a million pieces and you can be alright. It can be appropriate. It can be all that smoke and noise and then it can and does calm down and life hasn't ended. Waw! So many times when something that you hold on to inevitably breaks apart. It just does, and many times, it is the breaking apart that creates the growth that is so necessary for all involved.

stream of consciousness

Today I had a very important moment. It wasn't flashy, it was barely perceptable, but it encouraged in me to consider myself and my world in a way that I felt that it was very important to listen. My auntie and I had gone to the local grocery chain and then got back via the semi new driver taking us home. This driver had not taken us home before, and his car was quite rickety, so we both wondered what sort of drive we would get. He did however get us home safetly. On the way, I was taking in the view as usual. A large truch at one point was ahead of us, and he sensibly remained two vehicles behind. I thought about my morning. My critical anaysis of myself, deciding for the millionth time that I must change my diet and exercise routine. I reminded myself particularly to consider taking one day off for myself for that very reason. I heard myself, as I always do, but somehow this time, I was speaking to myself a bit differently, softer, gentler and with a certainty.I cannot describe it any other way. I wanted to stay in his car and listen to myself all day long. I was considering what I would do for my wellbeing. I was making plans that didn't feel stressful. I was guiding my mind along a path where I was just certain that every thought and decision made was not only going to happen, but already done and I was just enjoying the process. I had to come right to this page and write it all down. It was such a lovely moment that I deeply appreciated.

Almost

Sometimes there is so much to write and no idea where the writing shall lead. I have been taking a very long time on one of my freelance projects, but finally I am seeing some light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I am back in the valley and missing my daughter so much, and she, me. But we chat every day, sometimes several times. Her dad tells her that he shall not be going back to Iraq, and plans to stay on the island until she ends high school. His intention is to then move to Canada, hoping that she will go with him. Meanwhile my plans are that I complete the book that I am doing, then another one begins right after. There are two other personal projects that I want to complete and of course there is the magazine to do. My daughter now has a travelling bug, so we want to do a bot of that too. As I write I feel a bit overwhelmed as it seems that the year is just racing by. Do I have time? I take the moment to breath out and know that I am doing all that I want to accomplish.

Living up to the inside

A former student of mine has had a mini crisis about her way forward as an Artist. Listening to her, I have been able to look at her from the outside. She is feeling dispondent but she has so much going for herself. But the thing is, we all reach to that conclusion at times. No amount of prodding and complements can make someone feel anything else. So there comes a moment where you just have to realise that that person is going through something very personal for themselves and they may or may not get through it. This I find is the same for my ex-husband who has arrived back in Trinidad and has resumed things in his apartment. I have thus returned home, and now I am in the process of straightening out my space again. I have quite a few things to be done. We have a two day holiday coming up and my darling shall be spending it with me. He claims that he has no intention of going back, but that he wants to immigrate to Canada after our daughter finishes school. That is in late 2025. She has other plans, and she and I have gone over what she shall be doing from now to then and our focus is on getting her to where she wants to be. He of course has come back pretty much as he left...blaming me for everything that he feels he has not achieved, including now wanting to sue both me and my mother for ruining his life. This would be funny if only he were not so sad. I feel bad for him as our daughter sees right through him and is aghast at his antics. Anyway, we have our plans and we are moving on.

New ventures

Lately I have found my mood challenging enough for me to do the necessary thing. which is to be patient with myself and ask what's going on. This sort of thing feels like I am talking to a child, which I am. Lol. But, yes, I have been frustrated more than ever with seeing the end to my some of my personal projects. I have just completed a three document project and I was very pleased with the outcome. Yet, I am antsy about wanting to get to the next thing. As I am writing, I just realised why I feel this way. I am getting closer to the time when I start working on my personal projects. So of course I want to get going. So it should be as no surprise that a new project has raised its head and as always I have followed it like a dog follows a bone. I know how to go about making theis project happen, and I have begun it with information I already have. I have also given myself a deadline, so I am feeling very good about this one.

Exhaustion hits me, yet I am still going on adrenaline. The workshop on Sunday finally happened, and now I can work exclusively on completing the book. I had planned on just starting at ten today. But I think that I should take the day off. I am still so tired...and I am using it to do some research, so I am not not working. However, I also have decided to sometimes work at the hotel next to the apartment sometimes, as I had a meeting there on a new book yesterday. I am grateful for everything coming my way. Its consistency that is necessary. So although I write like this, I am still thinking on the job after that and the things I have to make. It is all good...I love every moment...I just need the finanes to add up and surpass all of the efforts that I put in. April has really leapt away.

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

I am in the presence of masterfilled writing. This woman is exceptional with every line of text. Her subject matter, harrowing! Yet, it is easy to push through every one. Doing the Break The Silence workbooks and listening while preparing them, I reached a threshhold. That was a good thing, as the book has gone longer than the project. But the workbooks subject matter of sexual abuse recognizers and the story,I made up my mind very easily. Sexual abuse must end. Simple. It must end and as an Artist, I shall do my part to the best of my ability. I cannot help it. I have an overwhelming opening in my heart that feels like it has spilled over and I just have to yield to the feeling of needing to do something right now and tomorrow and on to forever. Yanagihara writes to tear at the heart. She writes to tell us all that those who experience the plight of men and one in particular forced into sexual relationships he never asked for, that trying to fix them is not possible. The only solution is the most important one, to do no harm. She masterfully re-assures us of the fun and the love and arguments and pettiness and lives of her characters and then BAM something occurs that leads us down dark and murky paths and then we go down them again and again and then when we think we cannot go down another one, we do. I have been wanting to do a papercut video for the longest time. I have stills from of all things, The Candyman. I paused the scenes with the black cutouts until I was satisfied that I had enough to admire the technique. I think about the work of William Kentridge too. I just have to do something about sexual violence and children. Yanagihara pushed me with every single statement she wrote. She is the argument as to why the violence that we experience is so horrific. hurt people hurt people is a good enough bumper sticker. But we all say it and go along our merry way. How can we just turn and walk away? I had a conversation with a fellow Artist and good friend, and I was really passionate. I was asking her, where are all of the powerful female artists on our island? What were they saying? What were they doing? I could not recall anyone doing difficult themes. Or work that made me feel my heart beat fast. I get that from artists from our nearest islands! But not from us! I will change that! I am determined to make hard topics with my soft materials make a difference so great that I never have to ask that question.

While listening to an absolutely fabulous audio book called A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, so many things are fodder for writing. I am in part three:chapter two. A question is asked between three of the characters about the future. I wondered when the last time was when I just projected my thoughts into that unknown date, just daydreaming like I might have when I was a teenager. I think that I must do it. I am leaving this here for now, so that I can go off and NOT write it just yet, but feel it instead.

Easter season

What a lovely time of year and the time is speeding along. I was surprised when I came to the blog to see that I have not written in so long. Of course so much has happened. One of the things has been juggling two projects and pushing to deadlines that are fast approaching. Then, there is a new found desire to reserach everything textile related, and that has been going apace. There has been a huge loss faced by the Art community in the passing of Geoffrey MacLean.That has been hard, although it just happened a day or two ago. It shall take some time to manage that loss. We here at home are enjoying the season, and mom and I are doing very well together with our decision to spend one day a week on our projects together. I cannot begin to explain the satisfaction of that. We have found so much improvement in approaches to things and plans regarding moving forward. I also am planning to begin something new. I shall write more about it as it unfolds.

My morning walks

One thing about walking in St Anns to Belmont and back is the scenic beauty of it all. I get the opportunity to literally find space between me and my thoughts. The parrots above my head flying low are a delight. Yesterday as we were walking out of the apartment I stopped and looked down to find a delicate pink flower wobbling around. I pointed it out to my daughter. An industrious ant was carrying it along the asphalt pathway. What a way to start the morning. It is the little things that feed the soul.

taking a different tact

An Artist friend I know once told me of how he came to realise that he could not do any other profession. He had found a vanilla delivery job that he had been holding down for some time. Then suddely one day he just could not do it another second. He said that he walked off the premises and never looked back. There is a very popular saying, 'do what you love...the money will follow'...that sounds great, but it is also important to note that as long as love is a job it doesn't mean that every day will be easy, fun or effortless. It just means that your attitude may not be as heavy on such days. For an extremely long time I have wanted to start something, and I have had all sorts of challenges to do so. I am at it again, and I am doing so from a different perspective...............................................................................................................................................another thing is going beyond observing energy. I am now interested as well in seeing the outcome to your own thoughts. The coincidences are just staggering and also poetic.I am truly humbled by their beauty. More to come.

tasting the vine

Already I am learning this year that just bbecause all of the actions of someone may lead to the accurate conclusion, it does not mean that my response need be definative.An example of this is with a colleague whom I can see is challenged by her new promoted state, so she has been playing the game really hard. I can get upset with her, and I did after she did something that was manipulative. I felt it and knew it and it factored into things that I put together from her past actions that now became amplified. However, to my surprise, I chose to acknowledge it, yet let it go because what I got from this was that I am to keep my focus on what I want to do for me. By taking the emphasis off of her, and focusing my intentions back to myself. I had a chance to forgive, forget and be mindful while being grateful for what in that moment seemed like a stumbling block. ..........................................................................the next important thing has been the deciding faster...the awareness of why I have procrastinated with things that matter most to me in the past, and how I am now in a space where I have confronted the reasons and become able to adjust instantly. I have for example known that I should follow up on a call, or get out of a comfort zone to get to something I want...and I hesitate and I take too long...that fear that I can get rejected had been huge. To face yet another no in my mind has made it easy to just be avoidant. It is also strange of me because for other things I do not face such a level of ambivilence at all. In fact I just don't see a problem. I am confident and that's all it takes. I love when I feel that way. When I do, even a rejection does not stall me. I have found that last year and these last twenty-five days, that sense of clarity is so sweet.

from new meetings to messy moments

My ex-husband is off the Iraq again. This time he is going under very different circumstances. Iran has had some air strikes against both Syria and Iraq and of course I am very concerned for his safety. I am back in his apartment again after twenty something days of his returning and doing his best to change the arrangement. Our daughter turns eighteen in five months and he shall be returning after she hits that important date. So we both believe that his wanting her to all of a sudden stay with me has very much to do with the fact that she may not return to his house when he gets back. All of the speculation and uncertainty was made worse by the news of the strikes, but my daughter is doing as well as she can with all of this upheavel. Our house guests have now been at my mothers' for ten days, and still they have not had a proper conversation about payment. But mom is taking this in stride. Then to crown it all, our guests are at odds with each other, or I should state, she is at war with him. He acts pretty neutral to her constant nitpicking, poking and complaining. It is a hell of a thing to witness. Amidst all of that, the Performance Artist and Academic who has been interested in my work for some time, visited me and we have discovered that we are basically kindred spirits with a great deal of things. When she visited me, we had an absolutely great time. Then, I decided this year to take the suggestions of the Gallerist and prepare work way in advance for his show this carnival, and I have completed five pieces. I am also not working for the new semester after being promised by the co-ordinator. I shall take what I have been given as an opportunity to do other things, as I have a design project to do along with a slew of other things. Most of all, I am all about getting paid for the efforts every time, because I have concluded that I love all of the things that I do. I just do not like the fact that quite a few of them do not yeild any financial security and that needs to change right now. Best of all, I have plans regarding changing that.

banging

The fireworks usually promote lots of joy and mark the new year. Imagine getting up on the first of the year to find out about an earthquake in japan. Then to be told by my mum that her colleague has passed away in her sleep and then my neice calls to let us know that our former Prime Minister has also passed away. Twenty-twenty four seems to be moving at lightening speed. Lets hope we have the energy to keep up and be strong and get all that we want to get achieved in equally record time! Sheesh!