...yes, and also

Creating something from nothing has been my greatest love as a creative person. However over the years, this field not being a straight line has provided a balance that many times has felt more uneven and stacked against me than not. When a consistant salary is not forthcoming, the hit to my mental and physical wellbeing quickly eroded. What magnified this was the solitary nature of the work. When I do not see or reach out to anyone who is successful or supportive in the field itself, or I do not see how to get ahead, I have felt as though I was literally spinning a top in thick, wet mud. I was certainly going nowhere. Three times this year I hit a wall and wondered how to go on. I had to face whether after my entire life, should I just call it a day. Confronting what I want as opposed to what I am doing was important. For me, as a Lecturer, I quickly and enthusiastically tell other people to keep believing in themselves. Get support, look out for opportunities and make them when nothing seems to be working. So what about myself? How come I can find the energy for others? So I really hear myself and befriended myself anew and am looking out for my wellbeing. I feel so much better. Little tweaks here and there, a little mindfulness, a little rest, a little moment to remember where I was and what my deeper goals are...that has been everything. Thank you.

Tobago Christmas

We are doing something different for Christmas and I have two immediate projects that I am thrilled about and have begun. So yey for me! What have I learned from this year -: so very much,indeed. 1.STAND MY GROUND quietly. Be stedfast. 2.KEEP FOCUSED even when on a rollercoaster. 3. Be ready to PIVOT while FOCUSED...I am finding the way. 4. ASK for help and get it. 5. WORK ON self care all the time and focus on positive energy. 6. REST. REST. REST STOP OVEREXTENDING! 7. TAKING THAT MOMENT to consider is sooooooo special. ANything that jumps out and feels discombobulating....there is no need to react. Take a moment to feel everything the situaion is calling up inside my mind and body. NAME what I feel before I act. 8. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...send out LOVE all the time...send out BESS VIBES!

What an experience 2026 was. It felt topsy turvy for many, many moments. I felt that I was also watching on, and we on my island continue to watch with perpexity at some decisions being made by our government. Sheesh! however, just as I discussed with the Stonybrook students the quote about the Vendor selling hotdogs, I take that story and focus on the best part of it. the part that discusses doing what you do and keeping your focus despite how some people view the outcome in society itself. Not everyone is going through the same thing. In fact, there is always someone benefittting from what appears as chaos. My daughter asked me about the term 'learned helplessness' and right away we sat down and spoke about it having some impact in both of our lives at one point. To find oneself getting older, making certain decisions and yet not feeling like you have made an impact, or had no real say...that feeling must be analysed. In an A.I driven world where we are gradually being placed in situations where reality itself is being manipulated for further capitalist colonial thinking and doing...what can one say or do but be mindful to protect what is ours...mainly, our own thinking and critical analysis. So much more shall be written. But we are now here.

It's been awhile

So much has happened and I have neglected this page.When I returned from New York after a very hectic time. The best part of it was travelling with my daughter. Also,as travel does, it provided me with fresh perspective. Things that I would not have experienced and thoughts that insued because of it has been such a boon to me. As the year draws to a close, I feel lighter and happier, excited and thensome. I am filled with gratitude after so much tumult. From my sister feeling that I had deliberately not spent any time with her, although I went out of my way to do so by arriving two days earlier than my planned location for most of our stay in New York. I rally felt stretched beyond capacity with so much of what happened, from a cashless campus and my per diem ending up being part of my payment after I got back home - to scraping the bottom of my financial barrel to do the simplest things. Fortunately I was able to quiet myself and do my best to not run off the rails and when I did, it was privately and for short bursts that made it necessary to vent. Sheesh! But also, there was so much beauty to observe. I saw a Blue Jay one day and marvelled at its color. The gardens were a constant delight and many of the buildings and experiences are special memories. I have to state that during the worst times there are moments that can transcend the ick.

rainy, rainy Tuesday

The weather yet again is dramatic on the one evening when I have a class. The opportunity to also do this online is more glaring than ever! Anyway, I am fortunately at home and actually typing from my bed and half under my quilt. That can be called luxuriating. So there. It is September and when I think about all that I did so far, I feel a bit dizzy. I have not been satisfied by any means about what I have found myself doing, but I am amazed at all of the efforts. Moving on on now, I am determined to get the things I set out to do for myself accomplished in the next few months ahead and into next year.

Looking up

The whole visa thing is still in play, but things are getting better. I have learned a lot from the experience. For one thing I was put in a position where I just could not stay in frustration.I had to find other things to focus on because I was feeling really overwhelmed and it seemed as though I was just wallowing in the worst feelings. When I did that, not only was I less oppressed, but I saw how quickly the shift helped me be more productive. I appreciate that.I had a moment where just as one would experience rain falling on only half of a place, that is closest to what it seemed to be. I may not always be able to shift quickly, but I think that that I shall be able to do it, and I believe also that that is what Buddhists and meditation and spirituality is all about.

and so it is

Yet again, the whole visa thing is so head shaking. A few years ago my mother got a gift of a salmon colored salt lamp. They were all the rage. At one point I did not know anyone who did not have one. This lamp was placed where my fathers ashes now stand. Its a little nook that is quite attractive. There is a small drawer and we put our passports there.Well, at that time, who would think that the salt lamp would melt slowly and seep into the drawer and my passport would be collateral damage. I travelled with my salty passport, but now that I need a new US visa,my passport is considered unfit for use. I had no idea that that was the case when I had my interview at the embassy. But a few days later I get an email telling me that very thing. I then check online to see the wait time to getting a new passport. I have to make an appointment to do so. I get all sorts of challenge again to make this appointment only to finally see that the next open time to apply for my passport is in November 2025!YES! NOVEMBER! What the hell! No way! I am supposed to travel to New York in late September. When things like this happen, what can I do but surrender. I have been trying to get my US visa since the 28th of March! Every possible online quagmire that could happen has happened.

No Independence Day Parade in an SOE

The island is very disappointed.

the event horizon

So much is going on, so much. The first thing is that my daughter got her eight o'levels. She is so releaved and I am so happy for her. Particularly as she went through so much. What a hectic year and a half she has dealt with and we have gone through together.I am very proud of her perseverence through all things. I am also moving in new directions, and I am doing so with the gusto of excitment that comes with it. Of course in moving in a certain way, there is sometimes a bit of lament about what was. However,I think that that is to be expected.

Post Emancipation

Frustration abounds with getting my US Visa. But to write about it here shall do no good.I prefer to write about other things instead. Now that Emancipation, now called Black Emancipation Day, I realise that criticising the way that the celebration is handled is pointless. I have an opportunity to do some work on it. All of this goes back to my deciding so many years ago about using our cultural calendar as an opportunity to jog ideas and concepts. This keeps going around in circles. Whenever that happens, it is pretty clear that I am on that pathway.

some lovely thoughts

I was blessed this morning with my projects all coming to the fore and working out. I took the opportunity to feel myself holding the objects and my wanting to travel along like I was floating above myself, to see more. I think that this has to do with gifting my daughter with the newest Minecraft for her DS. I have been enjoying watching her play and I am recently flirting with what media can do today.

the slate

There is always the feeling that if only you could have a moment to think things out, to see the world without the hustle, bustle, societal pressures and financial needs...you might be able to manage and make sense of it all. But somehow in your life, you always have a heavy feeling of not being able to stop. Yet, if you give yourself the stop. You just STOP. you STOP and you take that moment, the clarity comes upon you. You can stop and do absolutely nothing. Onserve your space or lack of space that you take up in the world. Your contribution to the pollution on all fronts...your sense of urgency no longer being about speed ...you want meaning.

having a think

I am having a birthday milestone in a few days.I haven't felt so excited about one in decades...lol. I cannot explain why, other than to state that gratitude comes to mind. I look back and miss so many people I thought would still be here. I consider paths I have walked and not walked.I think that at my age now, many aspects of what I focused on has changed. It has been subtle. The shifts are sometimes so small, you dont recognise it. Motion capture imagery comes to mind. I also nestle into the notion of the way in which one thinks of ones life as it passes before your eyes. I feel the experiences, the combination of emotions that went through me in those moments and before you know it, you are recalling recent moments and bypassing them into future moments desired and the thing that stays with me is that in ones sense of planning, there is a feeling of agelessness. If you reach for what emotions come from this, I consider the desire to be confident, hopeful and happy. I thonk that that is a wonderful barometre for stepping forward and going into the unknown.

further more...

There is the opportunity to start new things. I read a lovely Ralph Lauren quote for example, where he determined what his company is ultimately about. I found it quite poetic.

There is a way of living that has a certain grace and beauty. It is not a constant race for what is next, rather an appreciation of what has come before. There is a depth and quality of experience that is lived and felt, a recognition of what is truly meaningful. These are the feelings I would like my work to inspire. This is the quality of life I believe in.

There are some things I want to add to my wardrobe...I am thinking about changing my hair...a number of possibilities both small and large...I am just interested and excited for the plans. I am adding to my aesthetic.

late at night

when you are not fully asleep, so you find yourself thinking about things...I have mentioned it before, but not possibly here.I was considering the fact that decades ago I thought about the fact that even with ones given name and knowledge of who their parents are, or family name states- you are not even the you that you hold to so dearly. That is particularly interesting to sit with. I have a name. But in saying my name, I can easily feel seperate and apart from it. I can feel myself looking at this named person as though from the outside. When that realisation becomes clear, the question then is that you are more than this person on this planet.What does that mean? That is interesting.

the rainy day

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better today

I was so frustrated yesterday and a bit less so today...but really it is only because the mood has changed to something else that needs to be fixed. I am sure that that reads as more confusing than I have written it. ANyway, it is a rainy day and we may be under storm watch for the next few days. I do want to go out though, so I shall see how that's going to go. I want to point out what I am achieving no matter how small, and today when I was particularly frustrated, I named why...it was because I had no shoes to put on to go to the kitchen. Now this is funny because my daughter has been stealing my shoes ever since she was about two. I have decided that I need to buy myself a pair of obnoxious fluffy, entire foot encased by some silly cartoon character tyoe of slipper so that she'll leave them alone. See what I did....I took the mood somethwere better.

You always feel that you wish you had more time. Having virtually gone to the funeral of an Artist whose work I appreciated, I am in a whistful mood. What the hell is time anyway? You do until you don't right.All the time is stretched out before me and I have no idea what sort of hourglass I am looking at. Somehow I don't know what I am looking at.When that's the case, ones eyes become adjusted and what is felt is more on the inside. What am I made of? Where do I want to epxress? Particularly in this world right now where Israel and Iran are destroying the other and the world seems more uncertain than ever. So it is essential to pull back and be aware that although so much distracts and concerns and worries, you have the hourglass and you have to remember that.

such beautiful failure

I haven't done this, I haven't done that. Suddenly I don't look like myself one moment and then the next I think it may be coming back. F__A__C__E______L__I__F__E squarely on and realise that I have something before me. A few weeks ago a very creative designer died. It was a slap in the face. I had been seeing their work and really enjoying it as I had to go past it a few times. That is what our work is supposed to do. I looked at a lot of what they had been doing when I heard about their passing, and as always, I found myself lamenting for their sudden ending. But they had enough work for me to say, what a body. There is a funny back and forth when writing about this. You have to be in the moment and just DO. I am writing so much today because I want to work, but I am exhausted. I think that I have mentioned this in the last few days. I have had at least three days of constant work with only three and four hours of sleep and stopping only to bring my food before my computer. I do it whenever I have a project, but this one was a doozy I guess because it was supposed to be a quick project and turned out to be as intense as any others I do. Also, I am in a funny mental space where I am in a limbo....coming down from things that came at me from many directions. So I am telling myself, come down from everything and decompress. Be grateful to be able to do so. You shall be setting off again very shortly.

my adult

Last night I realised that my daughter has literally come to the end of her highschool life. I took a look at her and felt a sense of the bittersweet. I was conscious that I was in that moment doing what parents all over the world do. We all have to say goodbye to a period of time given to us that was so precious, so filled with the expected and unexpected. I thought of her father missing out on the moment on Father's day. But he has chosen to lose things that to me seem deeply important for his own ego. Enough about him. The weeks ahead, I shall be thinking about her differently, and she and I have discussed her plans. But with all the planning, I also want her to take a little break. She needs to rest and regroup. I would like us to have perhaps two to three weeks of unscheduled fun.

Dis

While I was writing yesterday a few things occured to me and I planned on making note, but I have been running on fumes, doing a book, getting things for my daughter for her graduation and a host of other things. SO thus the title, DIS, as in dissatisfaction. But really, it is 'satisfaction' I have been following up on where my thoughts go. What happens when I make a plan and consider that whatever it is that I want to achieve will happen. Well I am so aware that that doesn't always happen. I am finding that my intentions that I stand behind is key. WHether it is the right timing, I give my best. But I aldo worry that I do too much (absolutely true) Everything that I do does not bring me money right away or for years sometime.So there is a hovering anxiety about supporting myself and yet also feeling wary about what I am doing. Completely overturning the applecart is my consideration now.

wanting to be so good that nothing happens

One of the things that I want to do for my birthday is to create a little book of my own work. I have wanted to be published, but it has not happened, so I have decided to make it happen anyway. I am coming to realisations that all that effort and longing and in some ways, forcing certain expectations in life are just stress inducing indulgences. Of course that may be the conclusion because of natural defeat. I say that to be funny, and I do mean it. I think that I am getting to the fleshier part of the proverbial onion whose layers are to be peeled back. As things fall away, you really focus differently. ALso within what does also continue to have a smidge of the past anxiety no matter...just old habits reminding myself of the journey...there is a clarity in it all.

poverty

Recently I was in a meeting and I was receiving messages about the thinking of the community that I am part of. We were wondering how to get what we needed for everyone to benefit, especially the people who give nothing back but complain and want the benefits. When I was asked how much money we could raise, I gave the lowest amount in my estimation. This made me realise that I was influenced by two facotors. One, my belief based on what I was being told about people and horror of horrors...my own expectations. I had to sit with that one. I don't see myself that way, but clearly I have a limited view of some things. I had to give it some thought and some more thought. I had to admit that over the years I have been worn bown by unrealised expectations. I had to acknowledge how easily I swayed toward disappointment over successes. I had become expectant that it was not worth trying because my outcome would not lead to anything much. I was appalled! Particularly when I am so sensitive to people who speak in such ways about themselves and how much i work to disavow people of any sense of self criticism. But for myself I settle into it like a warm bath. What was I going to do about this? First, become aware. Then, observe, thenpause whenever I am about to slip into the warmth of self criticism and choose to consider something better.

beauty

A few years ago, i was reading one of my favorite magazines,Vanity Fair. An article caught my attention, an interview with the actress Jessica Lange. She was asked at her advancing age, what did she consider most for herself, and she said to be beautiful. At the time it sounded vain. Why would she want that? As I get older, I understand her answer better, for it is not just surface that her reply implies to me. As the years tick by, facing challenges with grace and beauty is a very real thing.

and yet still

Sometimes I wonder whether where I am and where I wondered I would be at twenty and thirty I now see that I am embodying now for what the I shall be in my future. At twenty I remember trying impossiblyto form some sort of cheatsheet to the future. Could I reach out and plot the points to get me to where I had no idea I might be going. I wondered, I hoped that I would put more of my steps right than wrong. But alas, that is wishful thinking. Friends died. Things ended. Some other things began. I am now here. I think the lithmus test is whether I am still hopeful. I think that that is a blessing and quite enough.

When I am tired it is usually the worst time to consider serious topics. However, I am also always driven to act especially when I feel that I cannot continue.I have found the year challenging, and I knew that it would be. However, I have more than just managed for all of these months, but it has not been easy. I step away from all that I bring before my thoughts in a sort of visual list in my head, and I consider all of it as quickly as I can.I am going somewhere with all of this-: some of this is exciting, because I don't know how to actually explain it, but I can now see 'energy' in action. I feel it too. I hear myself say something and I then can see and feel how things from that comment fans out to get whatever it is I focus on. I used to not understand energy at all. I used to say and to especially think, if ebergy is instintanious, then why can't I get a million dollars like, right now as I think about it? It isn't a foolish statement, but energy works like that, but not as expected. So it can mean, anything...a million dollars can includelooking at a million dollar building. Lol. Or experiencing a million dollars in tiny moments including your bank account. The other day, I was so aware of what energy does so poetically that after I put the thoughtform I had into the world, and It felt all gossemar and windswept...I saw how it interacted with itself and then went out into the ether and I was amazed when what it found was more of 'that' to bring back to me. I felt at the time that I wished that I could actually have the time to consider it in a greater way. But now that I am writing here, see....I found the time. I am the time.

Already

The things that I have found to be confrontational this year has taught me a great deal. As I approach another birthday, I am particularly wistful about emotions. I have no other way to put it. For it is emotions that steer ones way, and as I have become used to sitting within silence, emotions have beoome the forst thing that comes forward to break said silence. So, I may be busy, focused...and depending on the circumstances, I can be prodded, jolted or as the slang goes, triggered. But what is particularly forthcoming when I am placed within that moment, is awareness of my seperateness from it as I am in it. So there is also a moment of watching and wanting the moment to get on with it so that I can get by it.

finding myself anew

When people are argumentative with me, and I stay very much in my centre and willingly aquiesce, and I do so because I chose not to argue or to match the energy that I see as wasteful...I am met with more aggression most times. However, that behavior is not as important to me as how it affects my direction. I write this because my direction is what I focus on after such exchanges. This year I have found that I am looking at experiences with people as if from above. I think that I can equate it to Neo in The Matrix. It is an exceptional experience. One that I am willing and able to explore more. Another issue has been about the fact that whatever choices you make, you face the consequences of the energy of that decision. That is simple enough. Yet, when things are not going your way, it is a cacophany of anger and drama that meets you as a childish reaction that gets triggered. Again, this is but a moment. It is kind of like observing wheather conditions. Things come and go, I observe the birds in the trees or an ant walking along the table. If I can see my moods in such a way, I can avoid committing to bad moods as the ones to obsess on. I think that at is something to take into consideration. I am always getting to know myself although I know myself. Some things stay with me and become a record playing in my thoughts. Those are the most challenging moments for me. Why do I do that? I've read and heard that it has to do with some inner beliefs that are so hardwired that sitting with myself over time and listening to what the actions tell me is part of the relief. Also, as I read this back I realise that some of this has to do with the need to be perfect, something that can never be attained. I saw in my mother a great deal of perfection in my mind. She still holds hersepf to very high standards and I admire and appreciate that in her demeanor. I would say that both of my parents carried this within themselves naturally to my child mind and teenage mind. Coming to terms with this fact is within the fabric of who I have been to myself.

taking my own advice

Already for the year I have collected a few experiences that are defining my resolve for my future. Some of the things, I have thought before and are reoccuring this year. One being, more observant, less reactive and saying even less than ever. So much is seen when you don't fall for reacting and speaking when others want to goad you. S I L E N C E what a beautiful thing indeed. Observing what and how I behave when I am unhappy. Complaining is such a trap. It is but a moment, but it is such an envolved one. Sheesh! Coming to terms with the fact that it is but a moment and that observing yourself within that moment is so restful and seperating, is such a freedom. U N H A P P Y It also makes me ask whether I plan to stay in that position or if I believe that there is more to my experiences, plans and hope than that? C O N F I D E N C E You do not know what life has in store. But you do know that you have the opportunity to sculpt your best out of it. I have asked this of myself. Particularly when I have caused people to be disagreeablewith me or in any way a discordance that I then repeatidly think about and I further then wonder about peoole pleasing. I just don't like when things disturb my peace to the extent that I cannot fix it. I am even getting carried away right now by going on about it...so there is still work to be done no doubt. F O C U S Don't get distracted by such moments too much. Find a way to accept and to continue on to doing my best.

about

I am about...famous words before optimism.

I have not written in some time. Of course so many things have happened, and I cannot begin to trace the time. But I am not here tonight to do that. I havebeen up and down and sideways. As my birthday approaches, I ask the usual questions when one is hitting a milestone. I have come here tonight with no plan at all, nothing to report although there is so many angles that I can apply. I am just taking a moment to remember that I am here and just breathing out.

Happily tired

Sometimes when I come to this electronic diary I am so aware of all the things that I think and focus on that do not make it here. But I am framed by it all, formed by my experiences.I have been doing so many things work wise that I am and also am not getting paid for. But my point is to clear my schedule for other things that I want to get done. The year is speeding by. Already one of my deadlines is fast approaching and I am feeling that if I miss the window I shall be in deep crap for 2026.Anyway, when I write like this, I get mindful of how wonderful it is to be able to state such things. I am thrilled and pleased to know that it is my own work being nurtured. I don't want to waste any more time letting little inconveniences stress what is working on my own terms.

So I sprained my right foot. Yep. I was wearing some black slippers that look like fake Yeezy's knowing fully well that they have a suction cup effect sometimes. But that didn't cause the injury. My foot twisted in the left shoe and affected the right and I went down on my knees and literally flopped to the side on the ground. At first I thought that it was minor. But then my left big toe was bleeding and then I was feeling the side of my right foot feeling uncomfortable and hurt. The next thing I know, when I am getting up hours later from the table of my friend's house as we complete looking at a book together that is eing edited...I realise that my foot is in the first stages of being swollen. By the time I get home I cannot walk on my right foot. It is far worse than when I fractured my toe or sprained my right. I got a bit frightened by this accident because this has happened again. WTH. My auntie when she saw me and helped me with my pain, she told me that the accident has to do with too much anxiety. This is true. I act fine, but my mind does go all over the place.I do what I can to through my mind forward, meaning, I know that this is but a moment. But sometimes from moment to moment, the same issue is still there. However today I am recoperating.

now that de carnival is over

So much to get back to. First of all, I am inthe position to do something new. There shall be some researching...some re-evaluating and some untried actions ahead for me. I have approached one person and discussed redoing the book I had been working on for many years. This time I want to include doing Podcasts and a You-Tube channel. A great conversation with a friend of mine has helped me consider my plans in a slightly different way. I am now all about breaking up my intentions into days and weeks. That isn't the new attitude though, the new attitude is the way I shall approach anyone I choose to work on my projects with. My intentions are to work on my publications. I also have a desire to complete my ceramics and my stationary pieces. These things have to be photographed and eventually seen in an online shop capacity. The plans are underwayas I write.

I had planned of writing about a number of things that have just recently happened, but it is all so new that I see no reason to do it here. I will only state for now that it taught me a lot. What I can write though, is that no matter how professional you may think you are being when you have a third or fourth party involved, personalities can greatly rock the foundation of any plan.

It is cold, cold, cold every day. What is so funny about this being the case in this part of the world is that unlike when you are in a temperate country, you don't walk around in layers. I think I better do that in a few moments. There is so much to that I have to do. I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, but I shall be fine. I feel this way only because I am thinking of many of them at once. I am very excited about the plans I have set out. After the carnival season I plan to spend some time in archives looking for the research. Then I plan a solo show and I am working on that right now. Amidst all of that I have a bunch of personal things to see to as well...I bought my daughter some rollerskates. I want to use them and I am terrified of falling on my face or my ass! But, falling is part of it isn't it?

Starting again is imperative. It is like having a second wind to do the things you set out to do but could not complete. A new year feels like that always. I put out some unfinished things today and I have materials to purchase in days ahead to make these pieces complete. It is the start of a big intention. The feeling that I get thinking and being deliberate is intoxicating. I am finally ready to step into the potential that I have waited for and honed for decades. No longer is it about what may I think is necessary to be seen and appreciated. I appreciate and that is the strength and the satisfaction of making. Why does it take so long to settle? I can only say that the fight between two minds in my thinking is the cause. There are days that I can be uninterrupted by dounbt, but that does not mean that it will not be waiting for me tomorrow. Only age brings reason. I find that I am now for want of a better way to say, better friends with myself now. As I get more centred and focused within, I see the ability to just be. It is a gift.