Starting the day with a reading of my sign and my husband's is an eerily accurate one.

Mine

"Every argument has a counter argument. What is right for one person is wrong for another. To get around your impasse of indecision, you need less reasoning and more intuition. This will save you hours of anxious cerebral activity."

His

" A certain situation seems hopeless only because you're viewing it from the wrong angle. Keep shifting your position until you find something positive in it. With a little wit and some skill, you'll find the resources to change the current picture."


We are at cross purposes about the next few months. I don't want to go back and return without our baby, and he thinks that I shouldn't bring her until things work out for his mother to be here.
It sounds really neat on paper. But the reality is that I will have been away from my little one for two months very soon, and I cannot stand it!
He admitted to my uncle (he didn't even want to talk to me, he was so mad when he called) that he hasn't been seeing the baby enough and that he misses her. So why is it that he can't think, "Hey, I miss her when I am away from her for a day or two, I can't imagine how her mother feels! It must be very hard for her too. I have to understand that."
Our situation is so stressful that I have concluded that I need to look at it differently. To do so, I have to detatch myself from some of my habits. One of them is my tendency to 'react' to his actions.
The second is to feel somehow 'affronted'.
The third is to remain in 'frozen' angry mode and 'affronted'.
The fourth is to act 'emotioinally'.
I am very good at doing that. It gets me nowhere other than feeling weak and angry, and looking to him to clear up the misunderstanding.

Last night I did something completely counter to my usual responses. I read a book and I refused to revisit the predictable responses of such an issue. After all, I have heard them all before. I know where they can lead. I know every nuance of the argument backward and forward.

My uncle sat and spoke with me about my husband's feelings, and as an outsider with similar experiences, he was able to help with suggestions. I was very greatful for his opinion. It helped take a big chunk of the edge off of the issues at hand.

When I closed my eyes and settled in to bed, I was remarkably calmer, and this morning, although there is still alot to resolve, I don't feel frightened or anxious.
I am not the only person who has faced such decisions. Everything is dependant on my attitude to the thing. Success is dependent on my ability to transcend these moments and to know most importantly that I am not seeing the bigger picture.
That is what came to me last night. Yes, I have thought about what I want to do, how I want to live and what I would like Aurora to be able to do and to be in years to come. But I am not the holder of the "big Picture", I am but the holder of 'part'.
Being pregnant taught me that.
There is something mystical and bigger than I am in the world. Something on which my 'faith' is a part. It doesn't mean that I should just give up all of my plans and just let the tide push me along. What it means is that ever so often, remember that pushing and forcing is not the way. We think that we know. We know nothing.
I am so overplayed with these circumstances, looking at them until my eyes feel bruised. It is time to remember that I am not the holder. Bigger, better, elegant is what the 'big Picture' holds. I must have the confidence and the faith to know that my family and I shall be given care.
I experienced the sublime last night as I closed my eyes and that came to me. I recalled the struggle with being pregnant, the emotional wrangling and deep seated worry I experienced. I had to let go. I never really did until my little one came to me and placed her tiny hand forward to greet me when we first looked at each other. Ever since, I have had no doublt about how right she is.
It is that sort of faith that I need now for this life that we are going forward with together.
Right now my husband and I are looking at a huge picture with most of it covered and appearing blank. I see one tiny corner and say that I see a mountain, he looks at another tiny corner and says that he sees a hairy stump. The picture is something glorious if we have the faith to leave our assumptions while uncovering the canvas.