Staring down FEAR

What I did just now was to stare down a fear. The fear of, what if my husband and I cannot make our relationship work after all? What if I really do become a divorced, single parent?
Facing these realities, particularly when I am in a new country, looking for a job and dealing with a number of issues that I could not foresee and also trying to feel positive every day, one is inclined to want to throw up one's hands and cry.
That is all well and good, but THEN WHAT.....

I cry, I argue, I bargain, I wish, I pray.

Then what?

When things seem so intenable, I feel tired. I know that I work at my relationship. I know that I am a work inprogress, that I work on myself and I am a good person. These things make me feel hurt and guilty and wonder how I could have done more. They fill me with regret and sadness and I feel why couldn't my love make my husband a kinder person?
Why is it that instead I have manifested this monster?
Where did I go wrong?

I could spend ages looking back and trying to understand, or I can dust myself off and move forward.

The first thing on my agenda is to feel better about myself.
Then, decide what I want to do.
I think that that is key.
What do I want for myself.
I cannot change the people around me.
What outcome do I foresee for me?

After all, whatever I decide for myself is something that only I can create anyway.

I am being faced with so many things coming at me at once. I shall start with my immediate needs first.

I ask myself, how do I really see myself and my ability to succeed no matter what the situation?
If I see myself as unable to do certain things, then indeed, I shall not succeed.
I have to know that I will be fine.

Do I know this?

Now, what plans do I have for the next few months and years ahead?

I have plans.

I can spent my time making my dreams come true.

It may sound hokey, but it is something to work with. My plans make me feel very happy.
Just two days ago I was reading a real estate bulletin. I am interested in understanding the profession. I may even study it. I wanted to know what it entailed. The document had everything I could possibly ask, and when I was finished reading it, I felt better. It was a possibiltiy realised.
Perhaps other people do not have such difficulty with their lives. Perhaps I am making things hard for myself because my expectations are vague or not thought through enough. All I can say and do, is to work from where I am and see results as they happen.