rejection

I have to admit that I am afraid of something.
I started this diary, not so privately because although what I want to write is very personal, I want to dispel the fear of letting things overwhelm me and prevent me from moving forward. In a manual diary, it is easy to hold back. So I decided a great way to deal with that was to bring ny worries out in the open and look at them objectively. Every post has some hesitation because after all, I am hideing in plain sight as it were.

I fear rejection. I fear reaching out to the one person I want to reach out to because I have disappointed them, and they are unable to let me in at this time.

I know that all I can realistically do is to give the issue time. I cannot allow my ego to overwhelm me. All that I succeed in doing is causing the person to retreat.
I know that I would do the same in their position, because I was in their position many months before the tables turned. They turned so suddenly and to me, so severly that I am still reeling from the effects.
Much of the time I feel that it is hopeless, and they give very, very little indication otherwise, and I am now too scared to broach the subject.
I am afraid that I am going to hear all that I fear the most.
Although I have heard it already.
i have heard it, and I did not die.
I was crushed.
I am still wounded, and it is that wounding that makes me timid.
To me I have been on a very twisty rollercoaster ride, made more obvious by all the happy, loving people I glance at in the street who seem to be coming toward me and passing me breezily by.
I give a wry smile when I see that because I realise that that is something that I grieve about in my heart and so, I am aware of it, and attract its gaze.
I even have the foresight to say in my mind that isn't it lovely.

Love, is lovely, and I will feel its touch again.

I am feeling very lonely. There is alot that I miss. I am grieving.

Having to wait and see with no way of knowing what to expect, and hoping that the result can be the start of something better and stronger is stressful.
I use the time to work on myself and to really look within me to see whether I want what I want genuinely or because I see things only in one way, and I do not want to change.

This situation has made me feel so inelegant, so ragged emotionally, and I really shouldn't be writing when tired, but I just wanted to put down here, that I am afraid of something and I must stare it down and break it.
That I know for sure.