Sad Day
My Aunt's best friend's son has died. I never met him, but I would ask about him whenever I spoke to my aunt, and I asked about him only two weeks ago. This friend of my aunt was divorsed. Also a nurse, she brought up her son in Trinidad and in Canada, worrying as all mothers do about her only child. He was very smart and was able to move from one country to the other on full scholarship. He had just graduated from Moorhouse College and she was afraid for him, because he inlisted in the Army, but was able to avoid the frontline because of a clause about single children.
He called her every week, and this week she did not hear from him as usual. She called her ex-husband and told him that she was worried that he had not called. She called him in North Carolina, to hear word from his roommate, that he had discovered him, dead.
This is so surreal!
He was just twenty-seven.
.......................................................
When something like this happens, you question why! It makes no sense at all.
He showed so much promise. He worked hard, he was outstanding as a student. He was focused, and wanted to get his life in order before getting serious with a girl. he was the sort of person who was just upstanding.
The whole household is in shock and grief over this situation.
I want to write more about this, but we need a moment to process this, to see what we can understand from this whole thing.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
On my way home tonight, my mind was racing in the same way that it had on my way to my classes. I was practically grumbling with myself. Going over in my mind all that has happened in the last two years. At one point I had to chastize myself because I didn't want it to distract me from my work. It was not until I rounded the bend to Brimley Road that some reason kicked in.
I heard myself finally think, if you want to live the way that you want to, then you have to feel it spiritually inside, and by spiritualy, I mean positively.
In the past you somehow thought that what happens to you is somehow outside of you, and thus, you have very little control over it. But what I am saying to you is that, if you want the things that are bothering you to work out for the better, you have to confront them as the illusions that they are and know that you treat them from that spiritual centre.
So, you cannot say, you want this or that to be better, and then act the same way. Your expectations must be in keeping with the change that you seek.
Look at it practically. In other areas of your life, if you want to do well at a task, you put positive thought into it, and it succeeds. The same applies with your life.
So, if it is about getting love, you must be loving, and so on.
Do not be loving to get love. No, be loving because that is the way. It ultimately isn't about the other person, but about an imbalance in myself that is the issue. To do it for someone else is not the way.
The kingdom of heaven is literally within you.
I heard myself finally think, if you want to live the way that you want to, then you have to feel it spiritually inside, and by spiritualy, I mean positively.
In the past you somehow thought that what happens to you is somehow outside of you, and thus, you have very little control over it. But what I am saying to you is that, if you want the things that are bothering you to work out for the better, you have to confront them as the illusions that they are and know that you treat them from that spiritual centre.
So, you cannot say, you want this or that to be better, and then act the same way. Your expectations must be in keeping with the change that you seek.
Look at it practically. In other areas of your life, if you want to do well at a task, you put positive thought into it, and it succeeds. The same applies with your life.
So, if it is about getting love, you must be loving, and so on.
Do not be loving to get love. No, be loving because that is the way. It ultimately isn't about the other person, but about an imbalance in myself that is the issue. To do it for someone else is not the way.
The kingdom of heaven is literally within you.
Friday, October 26, 2007
rejection
I have to admit that I am afraid of something.
I started this diary, not so privately because although what I want to write is very personal, I want to dispel the fear of letting things overwhelm me and prevent me from moving forward. In a manual diary, it is easy to hold back. So I decided a great way to deal with that was to bring ny worries out in the open and look at them objectively. Every post has some hesitation because after all, I am hideing in plain sight as it were.
I fear rejection. I fear reaching out to the one person I want to reach out to because I have disappointed them, and they are unable to let me in at this time.
I know that all I can realistically do is to give the issue time. I cannot allow my ego to overwhelm me. All that I succeed in doing is causing the person to retreat.
I know that I would do the same in their position, because I was in their position many months before the tables turned. They turned so suddenly and to me, so severly that I am still reeling from the effects.
Much of the time I feel that it is hopeless, and they give very, very little indication otherwise, and I am now too scared to broach the subject.
I am afraid that I am going to hear all that I fear the most.
Although I have heard it already.
i have heard it, and I did not die.
I was crushed.
I am still wounded, and it is that wounding that makes me timid.
To me I have been on a very twisty rollercoaster ride, made more obvious by all the happy, loving people I glance at in the street who seem to be coming toward me and passing me breezily by.
I give a wry smile when I see that because I realise that that is something that I grieve about in my heart and so, I am aware of it, and attract its gaze.
I even have the foresight to say in my mind that isn't it lovely.
Love, is lovely, and I will feel its touch again.
I am feeling very lonely. There is alot that I miss. I am grieving.
Having to wait and see with no way of knowing what to expect, and hoping that the result can be the start of something better and stronger is stressful.
I use the time to work on myself and to really look within me to see whether I want what I want genuinely or because I see things only in one way, and I do not want to change.
This situation has made me feel so inelegant, so ragged emotionally, and I really shouldn't be writing when tired, but I just wanted to put down here, that I am afraid of something and I must stare it down and break it.
That I know for sure.
I started this diary, not so privately because although what I want to write is very personal, I want to dispel the fear of letting things overwhelm me and prevent me from moving forward. In a manual diary, it is easy to hold back. So I decided a great way to deal with that was to bring ny worries out in the open and look at them objectively. Every post has some hesitation because after all, I am hideing in plain sight as it were.
I fear rejection. I fear reaching out to the one person I want to reach out to because I have disappointed them, and they are unable to let me in at this time.
I know that all I can realistically do is to give the issue time. I cannot allow my ego to overwhelm me. All that I succeed in doing is causing the person to retreat.
I know that I would do the same in their position, because I was in their position many months before the tables turned. They turned so suddenly and to me, so severly that I am still reeling from the effects.
Much of the time I feel that it is hopeless, and they give very, very little indication otherwise, and I am now too scared to broach the subject.
I am afraid that I am going to hear all that I fear the most.
Although I have heard it already.
i have heard it, and I did not die.
I was crushed.
I am still wounded, and it is that wounding that makes me timid.
To me I have been on a very twisty rollercoaster ride, made more obvious by all the happy, loving people I glance at in the street who seem to be coming toward me and passing me breezily by.
I give a wry smile when I see that because I realise that that is something that I grieve about in my heart and so, I am aware of it, and attract its gaze.
I even have the foresight to say in my mind that isn't it lovely.
Love, is lovely, and I will feel its touch again.
I am feeling very lonely. There is alot that I miss. I am grieving.
Having to wait and see with no way of knowing what to expect, and hoping that the result can be the start of something better and stronger is stressful.
I use the time to work on myself and to really look within me to see whether I want what I want genuinely or because I see things only in one way, and I do not want to change.
This situation has made me feel so inelegant, so ragged emotionally, and I really shouldn't be writing when tired, but I just wanted to put down here, that I am afraid of something and I must stare it down and break it.
That I know for sure.
Anything you focus on you attract
Or at least that is how I am feeling about negative things at the moment. My husband just called me, and we talked about my trip and his belief about how I should approach it.
I realised that I felt uncomfortable talking to him. I had my back up because we seem to not be able to see eye to eye and we quarrel so much that although the call was important, I could not relax.
So much has happened to us that I have to admit, I find it hard to do better than I do. Although I countered everything he reacted to with my own volleys.
I suppose what bothers me most is the old 'us'. We always said 'I miss you' and 'I love you.' No matter what. Or at least that used to make all of the quarreling less stressful. Now, so many rapid changes have strained us, or at least I feel strained. He keeps his feelings to himself. Or I don't enquire about them really.
I know that in order for things to feel better, it starts with me feeling better. And I know that tonight I had been so busy today that my energy is very low and any conversation that could have led to disagreement would have been a disaster, so the fact that our conversation was pleasent although we spoke of emotional stuff, was actually a good sign.
WIll he be willing to make further efforts? Will I be willing?
We shall have to meet each other half way.
Or at least that is how I am feeling about negative things at the moment. My husband just called me, and we talked about my trip and his belief about how I should approach it.
I realised that I felt uncomfortable talking to him. I had my back up because we seem to not be able to see eye to eye and we quarrel so much that although the call was important, I could not relax.
So much has happened to us that I have to admit, I find it hard to do better than I do. Although I countered everything he reacted to with my own volleys.
I suppose what bothers me most is the old 'us'. We always said 'I miss you' and 'I love you.' No matter what. Or at least that used to make all of the quarreling less stressful. Now, so many rapid changes have strained us, or at least I feel strained. He keeps his feelings to himself. Or I don't enquire about them really.
I know that in order for things to feel better, it starts with me feeling better. And I know that tonight I had been so busy today that my energy is very low and any conversation that could have led to disagreement would have been a disaster, so the fact that our conversation was pleasent although we spoke of emotional stuff, was actually a good sign.
WIll he be willing to make further efforts? Will I be willing?
We shall have to meet each other half way.
Discovery
I realised today the things that bother me about my relationship with my husband are the same things that bother him about me. Of late I have begun to believe that we are the same person.
Not only that, I am also his parents and he is mine! Shocking isn't it.
Ultimately I am actually alone looking at the refractions of my many selves masquerading as other people.
I realised that acutely today, but didn't have time, as I never seem to, to jot it down.
I have thought about it over the last several months as a fact, but the truth of it surfaced today.
Now it is possible that I have manifested the belief as true in order to be right. That is a huge possibility as well.
This realisation came about during my new pattern of not shrugging off things that seem unpleasant or scary to do.(One of the reasons for this is because of late, everything has seemed confrontational and scary) But taking up the challenge right away. I have been doing this for some time, or else I couldn't be able to do it so regularly now. But it is new in the sense that now, when I feel pressure, like the issues with the book that I am doing, or my husband's expectations on a trip I have to take, I have stopped dragging my feet about deciding later.
I decide now.
I used to find that difficult to do. I used to want to think it over and over again and feel comfortable in the decision.
I used to weigh it all up and weigh it again, hoping that not only I but moreso , the other person was not being inconvenienced by my decision.
Yes, that was me, ALOT.
My new attitude comes from being here on my own.
A trusting of myself has made me feel alot better about my decisions for myself.
Another realisation is that I stand in acceptance that my decision could be met negatively, and yet I am able to know that it is not the end of the world. But a moment.
That desire to be perfect (and I never am) is no longer appealing. I prefer to feel comfortable in my own skin.
More on the refracted light in another post.
Not only that, I am also his parents and he is mine! Shocking isn't it.
Ultimately I am actually alone looking at the refractions of my many selves masquerading as other people.
I realised that acutely today, but didn't have time, as I never seem to, to jot it down.
I have thought about it over the last several months as a fact, but the truth of it surfaced today.
Now it is possible that I have manifested the belief as true in order to be right. That is a huge possibility as well.
This realisation came about during my new pattern of not shrugging off things that seem unpleasant or scary to do.(One of the reasons for this is because of late, everything has seemed confrontational and scary) But taking up the challenge right away. I have been doing this for some time, or else I couldn't be able to do it so regularly now. But it is new in the sense that now, when I feel pressure, like the issues with the book that I am doing, or my husband's expectations on a trip I have to take, I have stopped dragging my feet about deciding later.
I decide now.
I used to find that difficult to do. I used to want to think it over and over again and feel comfortable in the decision.
I used to weigh it all up and weigh it again, hoping that not only I but moreso , the other person was not being inconvenienced by my decision.
Yes, that was me, ALOT.
My new attitude comes from being here on my own.
A trusting of myself has made me feel alot better about my decisions for myself.
Another realisation is that I stand in acceptance that my decision could be met negatively, and yet I am able to know that it is not the end of the world. But a moment.
That desire to be perfect (and I never am) is no longer appealing. I prefer to feel comfortable in my own skin.
More on the refracted light in another post.
Tired, in a good way
I spent a long time on my home work for my class today. This week I decided that I would structure my week as follows, at least one day to focus on my homework assignment and readings, one day to do my art and the rest of the week to focus on resume and job hunting, with a few distractions thrown in, like going to the library. I find that the time speeds up, and I feel as though I have not done remotely enough! I am always amazed in particular at how fast the morning goes. I wake up decadently late at 7:30! I confess.
Of late I find myself awake at around three, but am loathe to get up and work at that time because I don't want to be walking dead on my feet during the day. I am getting into a routine nonetheless.
I spent a long time on my home work for my class today. This week I decided that I would structure my week as follows, at least one day to focus on my homework assignment and readings, one day to do my art and the rest of the week to focus on resume and job hunting, with a few distractions thrown in, like going to the library. I find that the time speeds up, and I feel as though I have not done remotely enough! I am always amazed in particular at how fast the morning goes. I wake up decadently late at 7:30! I confess.
Of late I find myself awake at around three, but am loathe to get up and work at that time because I don't want to be walking dead on my feet during the day. I am getting into a routine nonetheless.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Starting the day with a reading of my sign and my husband's is an eerily accurate one.
Mine
"Every argument has a counter argument. What is right for one person is wrong for another. To get around your impasse of indecision, you need less reasoning and more intuition. This will save you hours of anxious cerebral activity."
His
" A certain situation seems hopeless only because you're viewing it from the wrong angle. Keep shifting your position until you find something positive in it. With a little wit and some skill, you'll find the resources to change the current picture."
We are at cross purposes about the next few months. I don't want to go back and return without our baby, and he thinks that I shouldn't bring her until things work out for his mother to be here.
It sounds really neat on paper. But the reality is that I will have been away from my little one for two months very soon, and I cannot stand it!
He admitted to my uncle (he didn't even want to talk to me, he was so mad when he called) that he hasn't been seeing the baby enough and that he misses her. So why is it that he can't think, "Hey, I miss her when I am away from her for a day or two, I can't imagine how her mother feels! It must be very hard for her too. I have to understand that."
Our situation is so stressful that I have concluded that I need to look at it differently. To do so, I have to detatch myself from some of my habits. One of them is my tendency to 'react' to his actions.
The second is to feel somehow 'affronted'.
The third is to remain in 'frozen' angry mode and 'affronted'.
The fourth is to act 'emotioinally'.
I am very good at doing that. It gets me nowhere other than feeling weak and angry, and looking to him to clear up the misunderstanding.
Last night I did something completely counter to my usual responses. I read a book and I refused to revisit the predictable responses of such an issue. After all, I have heard them all before. I know where they can lead. I know every nuance of the argument backward and forward.
My uncle sat and spoke with me about my husband's feelings, and as an outsider with similar experiences, he was able to help with suggestions. I was very greatful for his opinion. It helped take a big chunk of the edge off of the issues at hand.
When I closed my eyes and settled in to bed, I was remarkably calmer, and this morning, although there is still alot to resolve, I don't feel frightened or anxious.
I am not the only person who has faced such decisions. Everything is dependant on my attitude to the thing. Success is dependent on my ability to transcend these moments and to know most importantly that I am not seeing the bigger picture.
That is what came to me last night. Yes, I have thought about what I want to do, how I want to live and what I would like Aurora to be able to do and to be in years to come. But I am not the holder of the "big Picture", I am but the holder of 'part'.
Being pregnant taught me that.
There is something mystical and bigger than I am in the world. Something on which my 'faith' is a part. It doesn't mean that I should just give up all of my plans and just let the tide push me along. What it means is that ever so often, remember that pushing and forcing is not the way. We think that we know. We know nothing.
I am so overplayed with these circumstances, looking at them until my eyes feel bruised. It is time to remember that I am not the holder. Bigger, better, elegant is what the 'big Picture' holds. I must have the confidence and the faith to know that my family and I shall be given care.
I experienced the sublime last night as I closed my eyes and that came to me. I recalled the struggle with being pregnant, the emotional wrangling and deep seated worry I experienced. I had to let go. I never really did until my little one came to me and placed her tiny hand forward to greet me when we first looked at each other. Ever since, I have had no doublt about how right she is.
It is that sort of faith that I need now for this life that we are going forward with together.
Right now my husband and I are looking at a huge picture with most of it covered and appearing blank. I see one tiny corner and say that I see a mountain, he looks at another tiny corner and says that he sees a hairy stump. The picture is something glorious if we have the faith to leave our assumptions while uncovering the canvas.
Mine
"Every argument has a counter argument. What is right for one person is wrong for another. To get around your impasse of indecision, you need less reasoning and more intuition. This will save you hours of anxious cerebral activity."
His
" A certain situation seems hopeless only because you're viewing it from the wrong angle. Keep shifting your position until you find something positive in it. With a little wit and some skill, you'll find the resources to change the current picture."
We are at cross purposes about the next few months. I don't want to go back and return without our baby, and he thinks that I shouldn't bring her until things work out for his mother to be here.
It sounds really neat on paper. But the reality is that I will have been away from my little one for two months very soon, and I cannot stand it!
He admitted to my uncle (he didn't even want to talk to me, he was so mad when he called) that he hasn't been seeing the baby enough and that he misses her. So why is it that he can't think, "Hey, I miss her when I am away from her for a day or two, I can't imagine how her mother feels! It must be very hard for her too. I have to understand that."
Our situation is so stressful that I have concluded that I need to look at it differently. To do so, I have to detatch myself from some of my habits. One of them is my tendency to 'react' to his actions.
The second is to feel somehow 'affronted'.
The third is to remain in 'frozen' angry mode and 'affronted'.
The fourth is to act 'emotioinally'.
I am very good at doing that. It gets me nowhere other than feeling weak and angry, and looking to him to clear up the misunderstanding.
Last night I did something completely counter to my usual responses. I read a book and I refused to revisit the predictable responses of such an issue. After all, I have heard them all before. I know where they can lead. I know every nuance of the argument backward and forward.
My uncle sat and spoke with me about my husband's feelings, and as an outsider with similar experiences, he was able to help with suggestions. I was very greatful for his opinion. It helped take a big chunk of the edge off of the issues at hand.
When I closed my eyes and settled in to bed, I was remarkably calmer, and this morning, although there is still alot to resolve, I don't feel frightened or anxious.
I am not the only person who has faced such decisions. Everything is dependant on my attitude to the thing. Success is dependent on my ability to transcend these moments and to know most importantly that I am not seeing the bigger picture.
That is what came to me last night. Yes, I have thought about what I want to do, how I want to live and what I would like Aurora to be able to do and to be in years to come. But I am not the holder of the "big Picture", I am but the holder of 'part'.
Being pregnant taught me that.
There is something mystical and bigger than I am in the world. Something on which my 'faith' is a part. It doesn't mean that I should just give up all of my plans and just let the tide push me along. What it means is that ever so often, remember that pushing and forcing is not the way. We think that we know. We know nothing.
I am so overplayed with these circumstances, looking at them until my eyes feel bruised. It is time to remember that I am not the holder. Bigger, better, elegant is what the 'big Picture' holds. I must have the confidence and the faith to know that my family and I shall be given care.
I experienced the sublime last night as I closed my eyes and that came to me. I recalled the struggle with being pregnant, the emotional wrangling and deep seated worry I experienced. I had to let go. I never really did until my little one came to me and placed her tiny hand forward to greet me when we first looked at each other. Ever since, I have had no doublt about how right she is.
It is that sort of faith that I need now for this life that we are going forward with together.
Right now my husband and I are looking at a huge picture with most of it covered and appearing blank. I see one tiny corner and say that I see a mountain, he looks at another tiny corner and says that he sees a hairy stump. The picture is something glorious if we have the faith to leave our assumptions while uncovering the canvas.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Today's zodiac read,
Think positively and real opportunities will appear out of nowhere.
Think negatively and your life will overflow with big problems.
That's good general advice, but it is especially appropriate this week.
This reminds me that at one point in time, Astrology was not considered a hokey science. For whatever it is worth, the advice came in handy.
Think positively and real opportunities will appear out of nowhere.
Think negatively and your life will overflow with big problems.
That's good general advice, but it is especially appropriate this week.
This reminds me that at one point in time, Astrology was not considered a hokey science. For whatever it is worth, the advice came in handy.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Learning by rote
The day began with rain, and winds, and was the sort of cold that you expect for October, as opposed to the day before when people walked around in shorts.
I went to the Goldhawk Park Library. I find that whenever I feel down, one of the things that I like to do, if I cannot go for a long walk, is to visit somewhere where I can look at books and read something new. What I found out today was that I wanted to focus on my higher, more positive thoughts. The more I focused, the better it became to clear my head.
Feeling down is normal. I have been here for nearly two months. I want to start seeing results for my efforts. But moreso, I want to put into play, the circumstances that can eventually lead to me being able to be as creative as I can, making money from that creativity. As I walked home, the thoughts got sharper, and I finally went back to the computer and took another look at my resume and tweaked it again. This time, more confidently than I would have, if I had done it over the last few days.
Going out and changing my surroundings was helpful to my mindset. Sitting in the house promoted brooding.
It was a start.
The day began with rain, and winds, and was the sort of cold that you expect for October, as opposed to the day before when people walked around in shorts.
I went to the Goldhawk Park Library. I find that whenever I feel down, one of the things that I like to do, if I cannot go for a long walk, is to visit somewhere where I can look at books and read something new. What I found out today was that I wanted to focus on my higher, more positive thoughts. The more I focused, the better it became to clear my head.
Feeling down is normal. I have been here for nearly two months. I want to start seeing results for my efforts. But moreso, I want to put into play, the circumstances that can eventually lead to me being able to be as creative as I can, making money from that creativity. As I walked home, the thoughts got sharper, and I finally went back to the computer and took another look at my resume and tweaked it again. This time, more confidently than I would have, if I had done it over the last few days.
Going out and changing my surroundings was helpful to my mindset. Sitting in the house promoted brooding.
It was a start.
ALTERNATIVE
I had finished the post and had gone on, doing a number of things, when the idea popped into my head, ask yourself, what would the alternative look like? What would actually staring down your fear of success, produce?
What would it look like? What would it feel like? You have already done it in your words to your mother when she was so negative before your trip.
This is about really believing in yourself for a change and not listening to all of the people who unwittingly want to help you feel comfortable in your dance of failure.
You are worried because you believe that you do not have a road map to this success place.
You are worried because you don't want to imagine that success also comes from sometimes failing, even when you feel success.
But remember, this isn't new to you, this is normal. Life is like that, balance causes failure and success.
So what are you waiting for? You have said many times in your spiritual education that you prefer to choose to try than the alternative, which is to worry, sulk and wring your hands in doubt and fear. In other words, the present way of being isn't working, so a new way of working is the preferred choice.
The same thing applies here.
You got the answer yesterday when you were wondering what to do next. You said to yourself that you should start again, on your first page.
1. What do I want?
2. What do I see for myself?
3. How do I create it?
Doing that helps to clear the cobwebs of doubt, very much the way cleaning a house or throwing out an outdated wardrobe can provide clarity, the same is true for yourself here.
I will not provide the answers to those questions right now, but shall spend some time focusing on them.
I had finished the post and had gone on, doing a number of things, when the idea popped into my head, ask yourself, what would the alternative look like? What would actually staring down your fear of success, produce?
What would it look like? What would it feel like? You have already done it in your words to your mother when she was so negative before your trip.
This is about really believing in yourself for a change and not listening to all of the people who unwittingly want to help you feel comfortable in your dance of failure.
You are worried because you believe that you do not have a road map to this success place.
You are worried because you don't want to imagine that success also comes from sometimes failing, even when you feel success.
But remember, this isn't new to you, this is normal. Life is like that, balance causes failure and success.
So what are you waiting for? You have said many times in your spiritual education that you prefer to choose to try than the alternative, which is to worry, sulk and wring your hands in doubt and fear. In other words, the present way of being isn't working, so a new way of working is the preferred choice.
The same thing applies here.
You got the answer yesterday when you were wondering what to do next. You said to yourself that you should start again, on your first page.
1. What do I want?
2. What do I see for myself?
3. How do I create it?
Doing that helps to clear the cobwebs of doubt, very much the way cleaning a house or throwing out an outdated wardrobe can provide clarity, the same is true for yourself here.
I will not provide the answers to those questions right now, but shall spend some time focusing on them.
My zodiac says today,
" An inability to detach from the past must be overcome.
What you perceive as a failure is draining energy from
other highly worthwhile factors in your life. Let go of
your remorse. Then, watch your heart's dream become
reality."
Isn't that something? I have still been feeling down and it isn't even winter yet. I understand that that season can make people feel this way.
My uncle and I were talking about my plans, and he was also talking about home. The issues were all trying, and although we had a good talk, much later, I focused on something he said about one of our minor segways in conversation. It was something about weaknesses in people. That caused me to evaluate myself. As I was getting ready to go to the library, I was brushing my hair and I wondered, sometimes I feel too delicate for this world.
What would that mean to my daughter? Obviously I do not have the time, nor the luxury to close myself into a cocoon and wait out the storms that may come.
When I feel down, I feel weak. I feel as though I cannot make strong decisions.
I thought that as I felt this, I was setting up for authority figures in my life to step in and say, I told you so. To put me down and in a corner and take over, reminding me why I am too weak.
Actually, let me look at that, that is the pattern, isn't it.
You do, you try, you set up to fail .... because you expect to fail.
You wait for the fallout.
It comes on schedule and predictably.
The language is,
We always knew you couldn't!
And although it hurts, it also feels like a balm
because you are off the hook.
Somehow in failure, you do not need to expend any more effort
after all,
everyone knows you are a miscreant,
a failure.
They don't expect anything more from you.
And by the way,
POOR YOU.
There will always be an answer as to why you didn't try, couldn't make it work, you didn't know, couldn't do
You set up the dance that way.
it is almost impossible to change the music now, in mid step.
But how ingrained is this failure streak?
The very act of writing this, is as light in darkness, shining the light on corners.
Thank got for four little words.
H O P E
" An inability to detach from the past must be overcome.
What you perceive as a failure is draining energy from
other highly worthwhile factors in your life. Let go of
your remorse. Then, watch your heart's dream become
reality."
Isn't that something? I have still been feeling down and it isn't even winter yet. I understand that that season can make people feel this way.
My uncle and I were talking about my plans, and he was also talking about home. The issues were all trying, and although we had a good talk, much later, I focused on something he said about one of our minor segways in conversation. It was something about weaknesses in people. That caused me to evaluate myself. As I was getting ready to go to the library, I was brushing my hair and I wondered, sometimes I feel too delicate for this world.
What would that mean to my daughter? Obviously I do not have the time, nor the luxury to close myself into a cocoon and wait out the storms that may come.
When I feel down, I feel weak. I feel as though I cannot make strong decisions.
I thought that as I felt this, I was setting up for authority figures in my life to step in and say, I told you so. To put me down and in a corner and take over, reminding me why I am too weak.
Actually, let me look at that, that is the pattern, isn't it.
You do, you try, you set up to fail .... because you expect to fail.
You wait for the fallout.
It comes on schedule and predictably.
The language is,
We always knew you couldn't!
And although it hurts, it also feels like a balm
because you are off the hook.
Somehow in failure, you do not need to expend any more effort
after all,
everyone knows you are a miscreant,
a failure.
They don't expect anything more from you.
And by the way,
POOR YOU.
There will always be an answer as to why you didn't try, couldn't make it work, you didn't know, couldn't do
You set up the dance that way.
it is almost impossible to change the music now, in mid step.
But how ingrained is this failure streak?
The very act of writing this, is as light in darkness, shining the light on corners.
Thank got for four little words.
H O P E
Monday, October 22, 2007
Plan D
This week started off with my guns blazing, but without a target. Of cause I thought that I had one, but very soon, I realised that plans I had was not panning out as I hoped. I still feel very optimistic to be here, and very positive about my experiences. I am however a bit impatient. My savings are not limitless, and my plans aren't either, although I consider myself a very creative thinker.
Tonight I am beginning to look at plan D. The thought that I may have to look away from what I know and do.
I have the same hopes as everyone who comes to a new place. I want to get a great form of income that will allow me to live the way that I want to, and to enjoy my life in pursuit of my dreams and goals, knowing that my family are well cared for and can also benefit from the decisions that I make today and in the future.
What is this world but an amalgam of needs and desires. Where do I fit in? What do I do now? How do I proceed? Does it require more education? A move? A change in attitude?
Have I missed the signs? Am I trying hard enough? Do I have what it takes? So many thoughts run through the mind every day.
I continue to push the boundaries of what I know, and I keep looking for new ways to do, and ways to use what I know.
This week started off with my guns blazing, but without a target. Of cause I thought that I had one, but very soon, I realised that plans I had was not panning out as I hoped. I still feel very optimistic to be here, and very positive about my experiences. I am however a bit impatient. My savings are not limitless, and my plans aren't either, although I consider myself a very creative thinker.
Tonight I am beginning to look at plan D. The thought that I may have to look away from what I know and do.
I have the same hopes as everyone who comes to a new place. I want to get a great form of income that will allow me to live the way that I want to, and to enjoy my life in pursuit of my dreams and goals, knowing that my family are well cared for and can also benefit from the decisions that I make today and in the future.
What is this world but an amalgam of needs and desires. Where do I fit in? What do I do now? How do I proceed? Does it require more education? A move? A change in attitude?
Have I missed the signs? Am I trying hard enough? Do I have what it takes? So many thoughts run through the mind every day.
I continue to push the boundaries of what I know, and I keep looking for new ways to do, and ways to use what I know.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
lessons, lessons
I'm walking back from my class, having had a great experience, as well as having gotten a book seller to agree to sell me a hardcover book I want for several dollars less than the asking price, without having to ask him, and winning ten dollars in the lottery. I got back and got a message from the person whose book I am finishing. He was upset with me. He claimed that I did not send him the layout (which I did), and claimed that I should have communicated with him more. He was very emotional, and I held my ground and was as patient as I could be.
I realised that I had to be patient. This is his first book, and I gather that he wanted me to contact him much more often.
I learnt something from this coversation with him....
Clients want to feel that your focus is on their work ONLY
I have always known that, but this time, it is more acute.
He did not like coming to my families home. He got hopelessly lost and I had offered to meet him somewhere in between.
He didn't say this, but what has happened with this 'situation,' is that it is a sort of precersor to freelancing to come.
I know that whoever contacts me has to feel as though they have called a business place. I have already decided that I have to activate my cellphone when the whole thing is decided.
I may even need a Canadian voice, but I'll see. That may not be necessary, but I will not overlook it.
Honestly, this situation also happened to make me look at myself more starkly. I have had many issues doing this book. From using a certain software, to outsourcing the pictures. I also wanted to have my vision realised. I could have finished the book without the icons, but I really wanted to make the book rich. I don't regret that.
When you want to do the best job possible and you want to succeed, there is no room for criticism from the outside when you critique yourself.
It took alot of patience on my part as I said before, because he was wrong on so many points he made to me, but he wanted to vent, and I had to listen as well as stand my ground.
I ended up asking him, what advantage would I have in not providing the best job possible to him?
Honestly I want very few conrontations in my freelance graphic design life. I want to learn how to handle clients without issue. It doesn;t happen over night and it only happens through practice.
I decided that I would learn from it.
Take my own advice.
I'm walking back from my class, having had a great experience, as well as having gotten a book seller to agree to sell me a hardcover book I want for several dollars less than the asking price, without having to ask him, and winning ten dollars in the lottery. I got back and got a message from the person whose book I am finishing. He was upset with me. He claimed that I did not send him the layout (which I did), and claimed that I should have communicated with him more. He was very emotional, and I held my ground and was as patient as I could be.
I realised that I had to be patient. This is his first book, and I gather that he wanted me to contact him much more often.
I learnt something from this coversation with him....
Clients want to feel that your focus is on their work ONLY
I have always known that, but this time, it is more acute.
He did not like coming to my families home. He got hopelessly lost and I had offered to meet him somewhere in between.
He didn't say this, but what has happened with this 'situation,' is that it is a sort of precersor to freelancing to come.
I know that whoever contacts me has to feel as though they have called a business place. I have already decided that I have to activate my cellphone when the whole thing is decided.
I may even need a Canadian voice, but I'll see. That may not be necessary, but I will not overlook it.
Honestly, this situation also happened to make me look at myself more starkly. I have had many issues doing this book. From using a certain software, to outsourcing the pictures. I also wanted to have my vision realised. I could have finished the book without the icons, but I really wanted to make the book rich. I don't regret that.
When you want to do the best job possible and you want to succeed, there is no room for criticism from the outside when you critique yourself.
It took alot of patience on my part as I said before, because he was wrong on so many points he made to me, but he wanted to vent, and I had to listen as well as stand my ground.
I ended up asking him, what advantage would I have in not providing the best job possible to him?
Honestly I want very few conrontations in my freelance graphic design life. I want to learn how to handle clients without issue. It doesn;t happen over night and it only happens through practice.
I decided that I would learn from it.
Take my own advice.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
new day
My letter drove home the point it was meant to. I was quite surprised because I am resolved that any continuation, any inkling of that sort of thing shall lead me right back here, and I will walk.
I think that it is necessary for me to keep my focus. He really got me upset, and I found his reaction way overblown for the circumstances. Tonight, he explained all of the stresses he is facing, but that is no reason to add me to his list of personal concerns.
It was good for me to stand my ground and to know that I would be fine and that I can see myself doing well, no matter what.
Ultimately life is not about your loved one's hold on your emotions, but your own hold on emotions.
I asked myself a few questions in my soul searching today, and that is a good place to start. What do I want for myself in the next few months?
I have a number of options, the course that I am doing is one where I can continue to study and add Flash. Doing that can lead to a number of design jobs. Then there is my personal work for exhibition. There is a show in November in Trinidad that I am now thinking about, as I got that email today. Then there is the information that I got during Thanksgiving about submitting works to galleries. I also have a hunch about Columbia University in New York and have to follow up on that in November.
There is still Italy and France looming near as well, but those things cannot be dealt with until at least 2009 in one instance and after February 2008 in the other.
The great thing about Europe is that it opens a whole slew of new possibilities.
Writing this is making me feel better already.
I have choices and amazing things to look forward to, and that doesn't even include the most important thing of all, my little one! I was feeling so down a little while ago when I thought about her. I miss her all the time, but sometimes I miss her even more than normal, and I grieve in a way. This is the hardest part of being away from her.
But back to the plans. There are a few, and they are all do-able.
One of the things that I must do too, is my own site. Particularly if I decide as I am considering, to have a virtual business online. That is also very exciting to me. I have begun to research that as well.
So there we are, I have a number of options, and for tonight, that's a good start.
My letter drove home the point it was meant to. I was quite surprised because I am resolved that any continuation, any inkling of that sort of thing shall lead me right back here, and I will walk.
I think that it is necessary for me to keep my focus. He really got me upset, and I found his reaction way overblown for the circumstances. Tonight, he explained all of the stresses he is facing, but that is no reason to add me to his list of personal concerns.
It was good for me to stand my ground and to know that I would be fine and that I can see myself doing well, no matter what.
Ultimately life is not about your loved one's hold on your emotions, but your own hold on emotions.
I asked myself a few questions in my soul searching today, and that is a good place to start. What do I want for myself in the next few months?
I have a number of options, the course that I am doing is one where I can continue to study and add Flash. Doing that can lead to a number of design jobs. Then there is my personal work for exhibition. There is a show in November in Trinidad that I am now thinking about, as I got that email today. Then there is the information that I got during Thanksgiving about submitting works to galleries. I also have a hunch about Columbia University in New York and have to follow up on that in November.
There is still Italy and France looming near as well, but those things cannot be dealt with until at least 2009 in one instance and after February 2008 in the other.
The great thing about Europe is that it opens a whole slew of new possibilities.
Writing this is making me feel better already.
I have choices and amazing things to look forward to, and that doesn't even include the most important thing of all, my little one! I was feeling so down a little while ago when I thought about her. I miss her all the time, but sometimes I miss her even more than normal, and I grieve in a way. This is the hardest part of being away from her.
But back to the plans. There are a few, and they are all do-able.
One of the things that I must do too, is my own site. Particularly if I decide as I am considering, to have a virtual business online. That is also very exciting to me. I have begun to research that as well.
So there we are, I have a number of options, and for tonight, that's a good start.
Staring down FEAR
What I did just now was to stare down a fear. The fear of, what if my husband and I cannot make our relationship work after all? What if I really do become a divorced, single parent?
Facing these realities, particularly when I am in a new country, looking for a job and dealing with a number of issues that I could not foresee and also trying to feel positive every day, one is inclined to want to throw up one's hands and cry.
That is all well and good, but THEN WHAT.....
I cry, I argue, I bargain, I wish, I pray.
Then what?
When things seem so intenable, I feel tired. I know that I work at my relationship. I know that I am a work inprogress, that I work on myself and I am a good person. These things make me feel hurt and guilty and wonder how I could have done more. They fill me with regret and sadness and I feel why couldn't my love make my husband a kinder person?
Why is it that instead I have manifested this monster?
Where did I go wrong?
I could spend ages looking back and trying to understand, or I can dust myself off and move forward.
The first thing on my agenda is to feel better about myself.
Then, decide what I want to do.
I think that that is key.
What do I want for myself.
I cannot change the people around me.
What outcome do I foresee for me?
After all, whatever I decide for myself is something that only I can create anyway.
I am being faced with so many things coming at me at once. I shall start with my immediate needs first.
I ask myself, how do I really see myself and my ability to succeed no matter what the situation?
If I see myself as unable to do certain things, then indeed, I shall not succeed.
I have to know that I will be fine.
Do I know this?
Now, what plans do I have for the next few months and years ahead?
I have plans.
I can spent my time making my dreams come true.
It may sound hokey, but it is something to work with. My plans make me feel very happy.
Just two days ago I was reading a real estate bulletin. I am interested in understanding the profession. I may even study it. I wanted to know what it entailed. The document had everything I could possibly ask, and when I was finished reading it, I felt better. It was a possibiltiy realised.
Perhaps other people do not have such difficulty with their lives. Perhaps I am making things hard for myself because my expectations are vague or not thought through enough. All I can say and do, is to work from where I am and see results as they happen.
Facing these realities, particularly when I am in a new country, looking for a job and dealing with a number of issues that I could not foresee and also trying to feel positive every day, one is inclined to want to throw up one's hands and cry.
That is all well and good, but THEN WHAT.....
I cry, I argue, I bargain, I wish, I pray.
Then what?
When things seem so intenable, I feel tired. I know that I work at my relationship. I know that I am a work inprogress, that I work on myself and I am a good person. These things make me feel hurt and guilty and wonder how I could have done more. They fill me with regret and sadness and I feel why couldn't my love make my husband a kinder person?
Why is it that instead I have manifested this monster?
Where did I go wrong?
I could spend ages looking back and trying to understand, or I can dust myself off and move forward.
The first thing on my agenda is to feel better about myself.
Then, decide what I want to do.
I think that that is key.
What do I want for myself.
I cannot change the people around me.
What outcome do I foresee for me?
After all, whatever I decide for myself is something that only I can create anyway.
I am being faced with so many things coming at me at once. I shall start with my immediate needs first.
I ask myself, how do I really see myself and my ability to succeed no matter what the situation?
If I see myself as unable to do certain things, then indeed, I shall not succeed.
I have to know that I will be fine.
Do I know this?
Now, what plans do I have for the next few months and years ahead?
I have plans.
I can spent my time making my dreams come true.
It may sound hokey, but it is something to work with. My plans make me feel very happy.
Just two days ago I was reading a real estate bulletin. I am interested in understanding the profession. I may even study it. I wanted to know what it entailed. The document had everything I could possibly ask, and when I was finished reading it, I felt better. It was a possibiltiy realised.
Perhaps other people do not have such difficulty with their lives. Perhaps I am making things hard for myself because my expectations are vague or not thought through enough. All I can say and do, is to work from where I am and see results as they happen.
the powers of observation
This week there is another job fair at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. It shall be my third. One thing about Canada that I like a great deal is the availability of information in whatever field you pursue. I know that when I get a job, I shall move on and upward because of all that this country affords those who care about improving their lives. I cannot say that there are no opportunities, the right question to ask on the ground floor is 'how.'
.....................................................................................
Yet again today, I was faced with an emotional issue. I had the choice to react as I always do, and I did do that. But then, I also had the opportunity to step back and make a firm decision about whether I would continue to allow the behavior to go on. I chose not to have it continue.
When things like this occur, it is very easy to wonder when will things change for the better. In this instance, change depends on my attitude. I realise more and more that the only person who can adjust is me, and the interesting thing about that, is that from one moment to another, I can clearly see how a change of attitude on my part can make something that up to a nanosecond ago, cause such upset, now, suddenly fall away and lose its power.
I do not know what the person who causes me this engagement of emotion hopes to achieve by his behavior. I conclude that what underpins all that I experience with him is a deep underlying fear of himself. A fear of failure and a need to be listened to. When someone solves every problem with shouting and carrying on, knowing that it cannot solve the problem, and that venting is something that they do for effect and because they like it, then you really have to step back and ask yourself whether you want to continue to enable that person to act that way around you.
If you know that someone is not a better person with you, then the worst thing that you can do is to make them stay.
This is hard to say. It is hard to read, it is hard to admit. But if that is indeed the case, then I must do what I must to keep away from him, even if this person is my husband.
This week there is another job fair at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. It shall be my third. One thing about Canada that I like a great deal is the availability of information in whatever field you pursue. I know that when I get a job, I shall move on and upward because of all that this country affords those who care about improving their lives. I cannot say that there are no opportunities, the right question to ask on the ground floor is 'how.'
.....................................................................................
Yet again today, I was faced with an emotional issue. I had the choice to react as I always do, and I did do that. But then, I also had the opportunity to step back and make a firm decision about whether I would continue to allow the behavior to go on. I chose not to have it continue.
When things like this occur, it is very easy to wonder when will things change for the better. In this instance, change depends on my attitude. I realise more and more that the only person who can adjust is me, and the interesting thing about that, is that from one moment to another, I can clearly see how a change of attitude on my part can make something that up to a nanosecond ago, cause such upset, now, suddenly fall away and lose its power.
I do not know what the person who causes me this engagement of emotion hopes to achieve by his behavior. I conclude that what underpins all that I experience with him is a deep underlying fear of himself. A fear of failure and a need to be listened to. When someone solves every problem with shouting and carrying on, knowing that it cannot solve the problem, and that venting is something that they do for effect and because they like it, then you really have to step back and ask yourself whether you want to continue to enable that person to act that way around you.
If you know that someone is not a better person with you, then the worst thing that you can do is to make them stay.
This is hard to say. It is hard to read, it is hard to admit. But if that is indeed the case, then I must do what I must to keep away from him, even if this person is my husband.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
what I have learnt
I was speaking with my cousin about life's lessons. I told him that over the last few years I make a summation of what I have learnt in that year. I have never written it all down in one place, and to do so will require reading over all my diaries. That aside, in 2007 I learnt the following...
You can REACT
or
You can use your REACTION to your advantage
What is the point of always feeling afronted or sad. The emotion keeps you timid, small and insular. The alternative that I just stated, helps you to look at the situation, dissect its meaning and purpose and find something better from it. It is certainly a better way to go.
You can REACT
or
You can use your REACTION to your advantage
What is the point of always feeling afronted or sad. The emotion keeps you timid, small and insular. The alternative that I just stated, helps you to look at the situation, dissect its meaning and purpose and find something better from it. It is certainly a better way to go.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
illness reminds too
Today I felt so ill that I got very frightened. It was a bad reaction to something I ate, but the thing was that I had eaten so little, so at first I thought that I had a gas pain. But then I began to feel both light headed and dizzy. A dear friend of our family is ill with Cancer and I have thought about how she has been managing with such intense pain. My own pain today made me feel more acutely for her. Then tonight I got a call that my dad is ill as well. When you hear of so much illness, there is a sense of hopelessness. But it is also a time to look at the teaching elements of the situations too. Illness tells you about appreciating health. It also reminds you of mortality. Still yet, it also makes you see that you must be mindful of the way you treat your body and the way that you treat others as well. Is this illness going to be prolonged for example? An illness is usually an outward symptom of an inner problem.
When my body retaliated against whatever toxin I put inside it, it reminded me that I am alive, powered by this wonderful machine that I have been given to take care of, as it takes care of me. part of my 'illness' has to do with my own stresses and my tendency to store stress instead of dispelling it. I had to confront that and know that I cannot self diagnose myself either, if I continue to feel unwell, I will go to a doctor.
The need to feel that we are in control of our lives and always know the answer is always made a house of cards when these things remind us that we are part of a larger whole.
When my body retaliated against whatever toxin I put inside it, it reminded me that I am alive, powered by this wonderful machine that I have been given to take care of, as it takes care of me. part of my 'illness' has to do with my own stresses and my tendency to store stress instead of dispelling it. I had to confront that and know that I cannot self diagnose myself either, if I continue to feel unwell, I will go to a doctor.
The need to feel that we are in control of our lives and always know the answer is always made a house of cards when these things remind us that we are part of a larger whole.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
a Reminder
There are some wonderful shows only seen here in Canada on the Food Network. For example a show focusing on well known cooks and chefs in their own words. Today, Madhur Jaffrey. That, and a reminder to me of Braziers, and the experiences had there. What exactly is the reminder? I suppose the simplicity, of spending the time to enjoy what you know, as well as good food, good conversation and a reminder to be gentle with yourself.
Yesterday and maybe for a bit of time to come, as long as I choose not to use anger to solve what I see as an afronting letter from my husband yesterday.
It is odd, because the letter was not filled with anything new. it was just everything about all of these known things brought up at the same time. or moreso, the tone of the letter and the fact that no new view of any positive outcome was forwarded.
I was so upset and I began to write in that frame of mind and then stopped. I knew that it would not be wise to write something reactionary.
Being away from everything I know has been a challenge, but one that I take in stride. My class yesteray went extremely well, and doing my home-work today went extremely well also. I use my trips to and from my class to focus my energy, and I want to learn Tai -Chi. I know that that shall also help me focus.
What I do know is that I have no time to do things like lay blame or feel regret.
I am still looking for a job and I am mindful to keep my spirits up.
Yesturday was really challenging. I saw myself getting caught up in an old pattern instead of staying in the moment.
Madhur Jaffrey ended her show by talking about loving her life and really getting everything out of her experiences.
thanks for the reminder
Waw, Food Safari is next, another excellent show!
So why be dispondent when there is sooooooooooooooooooooooo much more and sooooooooooooooooooooooo much better in the world to embrace.
Yesterday and maybe for a bit of time to come, as long as I choose not to use anger to solve what I see as an afronting letter from my husband yesterday.
It is odd, because the letter was not filled with anything new. it was just everything about all of these known things brought up at the same time. or moreso, the tone of the letter and the fact that no new view of any positive outcome was forwarded.
I was so upset and I began to write in that frame of mind and then stopped. I knew that it would not be wise to write something reactionary.
Being away from everything I know has been a challenge, but one that I take in stride. My class yesteray went extremely well, and doing my home-work today went extremely well also. I use my trips to and from my class to focus my energy, and I want to learn Tai -Chi. I know that that shall also help me focus.
What I do know is that I have no time to do things like lay blame or feel regret.
I am still looking for a job and I am mindful to keep my spirits up.
Yesturday was really challenging. I saw myself getting caught up in an old pattern instead of staying in the moment.
Madhur Jaffrey ended her show by talking about loving her life and really getting everything out of her experiences.
thanks for the reminder
Waw, Food Safari is next, another excellent show!
So why be dispondent when there is sooooooooooooooooooooooo much more and sooooooooooooooooooooooo much better in the world to embrace.
Friday, October 12, 2007
All emotions are pure
"All emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up; that emotion impure which seizes only one side of your being and so distorts you. "
~ Ranier Maria Rilke
This text is from the book, The Flip. I want to write it down here so that I can come back to it at any time.
....................................................................................................................................................
We asked Faye (Dr. Faye Mandell) how feelings control our individual worlds.
"First, we have to understand that there is a difference between feelings and feelings of thought," she explains.
"What our culture has labeled feelings are not feelings, but rather feelings combined with thought- which are combined with an abstraction.
'As an example, if I'm feeling anxious about a report that's due at three o'clock and it is twelve and it's not done yet, I might experience anxiety. That's a present moment feeling that allows me to focus to get it done. But when I take that feeling and combine it with a thought which says, "Oh my God, I'm never going to get it done and they're going to fire me and I'm going to lose my house and my family." then all of the energy that would be used to focus and be creative to get the report done is instead used in the combining of the feeling and the thought.
That combination of the feeling and the thought takes one out of the present moment. Combined with anxiety, the feeling takes one into the future; combined with frustration, it takes you to other people and things. When that feeling/thought is combined with disappointment or sadness, it takes one to the past. That is how feelings get connected to abstract thought and poison the capacity of the thought to do what needs to be done."
How might people use that knowledge to flip away from conditioned responses and remain in the present? The flip is to move from believing in thought as the way to understand the world to direct experience as the way to experience the world. So we learn understanding by experience and then we choose to think when we need to. If we allow ourselves to experience our feelings, then we will stay in the present moment and we will be self-powered.
"Feelings are indicators that emotional states are out of balance and the feelings then translate simultaneously into an action, because this is an action-oriented model, to keep people clear, focused, and in control. And when you are focused, clear and in control, you know and can immediately experience the illusory nature of thought."
We press for a real world example."if I am feeling frustrated because I am in a traffic jam and i am late to an appointment, I could do two things. I could piggybank that onto the anger and I could go,"that %&*$#@* so and so...' and then I would be combining a feeling which is my frustration, with a thought, which would get me so tense and frustrated I might run into the car in front of me. But if I was feeling my frustration and I said, "Okay, frustration is an indicator that I'm not in control. I can't be in control of the traffic, but what can I be in control o? What can I do with this moment here that's going to keep me clear and in control and focused?"
Well, I can muse on something that I need to think about or I can listen to some music. What is self-evident is that I can't control the traffic, but I can control me."
So, how can people separate their feelings from their thoughts?
"That pairing of feeling to the thought happens in a nanosecond, so the only way you can seperate it is to know where you are in time and space.
You stop listening to the stupid content of the thought and start focusing on where it takes you in time and space.
The minute you're in the future you know it must be anxiety that you are piggybacking.
The minute you focus on other people and things, you know it's sadness or disappointment-get back and experience the feeling, immediately translate it into an action in your present again.
"Listen to the structure of your thoughts. Listen to the tense and the pronouns. You want to be present with the feeling of "I am." If you're thinking in terms of he, she, they ...whatever, then you're projecting onto someone or something else in the past, present or future.
"Am" is a verb. it is the could've, will, might, perhaps, did, didn't, was, wasn't-they're all not 'AM" and take you away from experienceing what you're actually feeling.It's so simple.
Always return to 'I AM"
That is the feeling you must address. "I am mad; i am hurt, and so on. ANd when you feel it, you state it aloud.
That gives you power over your emotions and your thoughts.
"I AM."
~ Ranier Maria Rilke
This text is from the book, The Flip. I want to write it down here so that I can come back to it at any time.
....................................................................................................................................................
We asked Faye (Dr. Faye Mandell) how feelings control our individual worlds.
"First, we have to understand that there is a difference between feelings and feelings of thought," she explains.
"What our culture has labeled feelings are not feelings, but rather feelings combined with thought- which are combined with an abstraction.
'As an example, if I'm feeling anxious about a report that's due at three o'clock and it is twelve and it's not done yet, I might experience anxiety. That's a present moment feeling that allows me to focus to get it done. But when I take that feeling and combine it with a thought which says, "Oh my God, I'm never going to get it done and they're going to fire me and I'm going to lose my house and my family." then all of the energy that would be used to focus and be creative to get the report done is instead used in the combining of the feeling and the thought.
That combination of the feeling and the thought takes one out of the present moment. Combined with anxiety, the feeling takes one into the future; combined with frustration, it takes you to other people and things. When that feeling/thought is combined with disappointment or sadness, it takes one to the past. That is how feelings get connected to abstract thought and poison the capacity of the thought to do what needs to be done."
How might people use that knowledge to flip away from conditioned responses and remain in the present? The flip is to move from believing in thought as the way to understand the world to direct experience as the way to experience the world. So we learn understanding by experience and then we choose to think when we need to. If we allow ourselves to experience our feelings, then we will stay in the present moment and we will be self-powered.
"Feelings are indicators that emotional states are out of balance and the feelings then translate simultaneously into an action, because this is an action-oriented model, to keep people clear, focused, and in control. And when you are focused, clear and in control, you know and can immediately experience the illusory nature of thought."
We press for a real world example."if I am feeling frustrated because I am in a traffic jam and i am late to an appointment, I could do two things. I could piggybank that onto the anger and I could go,"that %&*$#@* so and so...' and then I would be combining a feeling which is my frustration, with a thought, which would get me so tense and frustrated I might run into the car in front of me. But if I was feeling my frustration and I said, "Okay, frustration is an indicator that I'm not in control. I can't be in control of the traffic, but what can I be in control o? What can I do with this moment here that's going to keep me clear and in control and focused?"
Well, I can muse on something that I need to think about or I can listen to some music. What is self-evident is that I can't control the traffic, but I can control me."
So, how can people separate their feelings from their thoughts?
"That pairing of feeling to the thought happens in a nanosecond, so the only way you can seperate it is to know where you are in time and space.
You stop listening to the stupid content of the thought and start focusing on where it takes you in time and space.
The minute you're in the future you know it must be anxiety that you are piggybacking.
The minute you focus on other people and things, you know it's sadness or disappointment-get back and experience the feeling, immediately translate it into an action in your present again.
"Listen to the structure of your thoughts. Listen to the tense and the pronouns. You want to be present with the feeling of "I am." If you're thinking in terms of he, she, they ...whatever, then you're projecting onto someone or something else in the past, present or future.
"Am" is a verb. it is the could've, will, might, perhaps, did, didn't, was, wasn't-they're all not 'AM" and take you away from experienceing what you're actually feeling.It's so simple.
Always return to 'I AM"
That is the feeling you must address. "I am mad; i am hurt, and so on. ANd when you feel it, you state it aloud.
That gives you power over your emotions and your thoughts.
"I AM."
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
own mind
I swear that that post posted itself. My hand must have touched the keyboard without my realising it.
I am glad that it is out there though, because I must not be afraid to express myself. I really musn't.
So what if I choose to hold on, so what?
I found a great quote.
" We must accept finite disappointment,
but we must never lose infinite hope."
~ Martin Luther King
followed by
" Be the change you wish to see in the world."
~Ghandi
Now what could be better than that. Being away from those I love but still very much in the embrace of those who love me, I am happy to be able to have the moments to write and to feel the things that I feel. Yes, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. But something occured to me today. WHen I am no more, I may look back on my life and say that I lived, I felt, I loved and I was.
I am glad that it is out there though, because I must not be afraid to express myself. I really musn't.
So what if I choose to hold on, so what?
I found a great quote.
" We must accept finite disappointment,
but we must never lose infinite hope."
~ Martin Luther King
followed by
" Be the change you wish to see in the world."
~Ghandi
Now what could be better than that. Being away from those I love but still very much in the embrace of those who love me, I am happy to be able to have the moments to write and to feel the things that I feel. Yes, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. But something occured to me today. WHen I am no more, I may look back on my life and say that I lived, I felt, I loved and I was.
Hideing in plain site
Sometimes I lose my resolve. I know better, but I do. There is something that I want to save and ever so often I feel as though the possibility is lost. I feel this way because I have no way of knowing whether my work is being appreciated. I feel a big risk writing it here because I feel very exposed doing so.
Yet, I also feel that by writing it down, i can look at it more openly for what it is as well as for what it isn't.
Yet, I also feel that by writing it down, i can look at it more openly for what it is as well as for what it isn't.
Monday, October 8, 2007
thanksgiving
All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we have thought, we become.
~ Buddha
It is Thanksgiving today in Canada. It is the first time that I shall be experiencing it. In America, Thanksgiving is huge! It is possibly the most important holiday of the year.
I woke up this morning for the second time. I was up at three and wondering whether to stay awake and do some work that was prodding me to stay up. What it was was a group of ideas based on going to Art Gallery of Ontario yesterday. I found myself there because i wanted to see the work of my Indian friend. Instead, I saw the works of other contemporary Indian artists, called 'Hungry God." the artists were, Atul Dodiya, Bharti Kher and Subodh Gupta. The works explored the concerns of modern India and its post-colonial, post-patition identity. The themes explored in 'Hungry God,' reflect the artists' broad ideas concerning nationalism. global identity and history revisited, while grounded in experiences and icons that are uniquely Indian.
(All of that is quoted directly from the exhibition catalogue)
What that show did for me, was (as always with such things) make me look at Caribbean art and wonder about the sort of imagery that would set an artist from Trinidad and Tobago apart from someone from somewhere else.
So this morning my mind was racing and the work that I saw in my minds' eye was just itching to get out. All large convases of richly coloured works that focused on one or two colours came to me. A whole canvas blocked out at top and base with the image looking squeezed in the central frame of red costumes, the Scarlet Ibis, pomeracs, one dollar bills saying Trinidad and Tobago and Baliziers flowers. I saw this money motif play out again and again because our money is colourful, so there was a green canvas, a grey canvas, a purple canvas and a blue canvas. The works reminded me of Rochenberg, that 1960's pop artist who works huge and paints iconic American imagery.
I also saw imbedded sections of film and embroidery in the work. As my mind wondered, I asked myself, where would I be able to do these huge works? naturally the work was being done in a studio space.
The whole thing was rather exciting. I also saw myself working from small images that were collages, and I was literally blowing them up larger than life and also shaping the canvases to look like huge exotic flowers. I also had a collection of works that were 'U' shaped canvases, canvases that were joined so that you could walk into them and walk from left to right, then walk outside of them and walk from right to left. Those focused on repitition and were based on perceptions of all races and class structures in Trinidad and Tobago. So you saw Caucasian Trini's down de islands and the vendor in the corner and prices for meat and the Syrian trader. Those were in colour and black and white.
I really enjoyed looking at these ideas as they unfolded in my mind.
Very little is needed to make a happy life: It is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.
~ Marcus Aurelius
~ Buddha
It is Thanksgiving today in Canada. It is the first time that I shall be experiencing it. In America, Thanksgiving is huge! It is possibly the most important holiday of the year.
I woke up this morning for the second time. I was up at three and wondering whether to stay awake and do some work that was prodding me to stay up. What it was was a group of ideas based on going to Art Gallery of Ontario yesterday. I found myself there because i wanted to see the work of my Indian friend. Instead, I saw the works of other contemporary Indian artists, called 'Hungry God." the artists were, Atul Dodiya, Bharti Kher and Subodh Gupta. The works explored the concerns of modern India and its post-colonial, post-patition identity. The themes explored in 'Hungry God,' reflect the artists' broad ideas concerning nationalism. global identity and history revisited, while grounded in experiences and icons that are uniquely Indian.
(All of that is quoted directly from the exhibition catalogue)
What that show did for me, was (as always with such things) make me look at Caribbean art and wonder about the sort of imagery that would set an artist from Trinidad and Tobago apart from someone from somewhere else.
So this morning my mind was racing and the work that I saw in my minds' eye was just itching to get out. All large convases of richly coloured works that focused on one or two colours came to me. A whole canvas blocked out at top and base with the image looking squeezed in the central frame of red costumes, the Scarlet Ibis, pomeracs, one dollar bills saying Trinidad and Tobago and Baliziers flowers. I saw this money motif play out again and again because our money is colourful, so there was a green canvas, a grey canvas, a purple canvas and a blue canvas. The works reminded me of Rochenberg, that 1960's pop artist who works huge and paints iconic American imagery.
I also saw imbedded sections of film and embroidery in the work. As my mind wondered, I asked myself, where would I be able to do these huge works? naturally the work was being done in a studio space.
The whole thing was rather exciting. I also saw myself working from small images that were collages, and I was literally blowing them up larger than life and also shaping the canvases to look like huge exotic flowers. I also had a collection of works that were 'U' shaped canvases, canvases that were joined so that you could walk into them and walk from left to right, then walk outside of them and walk from right to left. Those focused on repitition and were based on perceptions of all races and class structures in Trinidad and Tobago. So you saw Caucasian Trini's down de islands and the vendor in the corner and prices for meat and the Syrian trader. Those were in colour and black and white.
I really enjoyed looking at these ideas as they unfolded in my mind.
Very little is needed to make a happy life: It is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.
~ Marcus Aurelius
Our fears are more numerous than our dangers, and we suffer more in our imagination than in reality.
A month has passed and where am I? I have received the document to apply for my little one and am waiting for my husband to acknowledge receipt of the copy so that if there is anything else needed, he’ll provide it for me and send it back. I have gone to a job fair and gotten better information about resume writing. I have sent out resumes to companies and to the library for artists work and to the Trinidad Consulate for a show.
What shall I do this month? Continue to do my classes in Dreamweaver, finish the book for the publisher, find out about the knitting classes two blocks from here, really start working on my exhibition pieces and finish them. Buy a digital camera or at least borrow Joel’s to photograph my work. Then there is a three week programme to help immigrants with jobs. I should look into that as well.
Financially I need to start seeing money coming in. I am looking at working from home options too. The point is a job and a place to live, a two-pronged option.More and more I am understanding Toronto, how to get around, what people do, how they do it, what things cost. Things like that.
Can I live here?
It is not unlike anywhere else, naturally living here in the winter shall be a test. But other than that, the same issues apply. It is all about money and whether you have any. Yet there is also an awareness of quality of life. You can do so many things with not a lot of money. The point is your attitude to life.
I have been saying that I want to do so many things, now is my chance to do so. The objective is to get a gallery to see my work and to respond. The response is to offer a show and for me to do the work for it, to be advertised and reviewed positively and to see the work sold.
Sitting in the suburbs, how to do this seems nearly impossible, but I know that there will be found a way to get my life together, whatever it is I choose to do.
What shall I do this month? Continue to do my classes in Dreamweaver, finish the book for the publisher, find out about the knitting classes two blocks from here, really start working on my exhibition pieces and finish them. Buy a digital camera or at least borrow Joel’s to photograph my work. Then there is a three week programme to help immigrants with jobs. I should look into that as well.
Financially I need to start seeing money coming in. I am looking at working from home options too. The point is a job and a place to live, a two-pronged option.More and more I am understanding Toronto, how to get around, what people do, how they do it, what things cost. Things like that.
Can I live here?
It is not unlike anywhere else, naturally living here in the winter shall be a test. But other than that, the same issues apply. It is all about money and whether you have any. Yet there is also an awareness of quality of life. You can do so many things with not a lot of money. The point is your attitude to life.
I have been saying that I want to do so many things, now is my chance to do so. The objective is to get a gallery to see my work and to respond. The response is to offer a show and for me to do the work for it, to be advertised and reviewed positively and to see the work sold.
Sitting in the suburbs, how to do this seems nearly impossible, but I know that there will be found a way to get my life together, whatever it is I choose to do.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
snippets and snappets
My class went so well yesterday that I am excited. I now know how to tag one page to another, how to place images, how to use the click button on the image and how to have the click affect where the next page will be. This week I saw the programme being offered by the Toronto School Board and for much, much less and I was concerned. But when I saw that the classes are only nine hours over a nine week period, I realised that I am really getting value for money.
With this class, the point is to practice, practice, practice, read and practice some more. I have also found some sites that I really am very interested in and now I already know how they did them and can figure out how to do a site in the same sort of way without Flash! Imagine that! I love Flash, but now I see that it doesn't have to factor in everything you do.
~
I just called home and spoke to my husband. he sounds more upbeat than he has lately. I got upset though, because he was telling me that it is likely to take a long time for us to be reunited and I didn't want to hear that. To me, that is a defeatest approach. I hung up a bit teary eyed, But now I feel much surer about my approach. What he said does not have to play out that way. I am here, they are their and I have more access to information than they do. So I am not going to let one view cloud my judgement or options.
~
The Mahatma's birthday was this week and all the Indian blogs that I have seen have honored him in some way. Ghandi was a true inspiration to the world. When I was pregnant, i went to see the movie by Geeta Mehta, Water, the thrid in her trilogy. The scene that she did where the hero gets lost and ends up seeing Ghandi made me cry. Movies don't make me cry, and it was then that I knew that I was really becoming a mother.
~
Today I am going to see the works of Indian artists because one of them happens to be Reena's husband, Jittish. Stephen is going to come out with me and we are going to make a morning of it so I have to get going.
With this class, the point is to practice, practice, practice, read and practice some more. I have also found some sites that I really am very interested in and now I already know how they did them and can figure out how to do a site in the same sort of way without Flash! Imagine that! I love Flash, but now I see that it doesn't have to factor in everything you do.
~
I just called home and spoke to my husband. he sounds more upbeat than he has lately. I got upset though, because he was telling me that it is likely to take a long time for us to be reunited and I didn't want to hear that. To me, that is a defeatest approach. I hung up a bit teary eyed, But now I feel much surer about my approach. What he said does not have to play out that way. I am here, they are their and I have more access to information than they do. So I am not going to let one view cloud my judgement or options.
~
The Mahatma's birthday was this week and all the Indian blogs that I have seen have honored him in some way. Ghandi was a true inspiration to the world. When I was pregnant, i went to see the movie by Geeta Mehta, Water, the thrid in her trilogy. The scene that she did where the hero gets lost and ends up seeing Ghandi made me cry. Movies don't make me cry, and it was then that I knew that I was really becoming a mother.
~
Today I am going to see the works of Indian artists because one of them happens to be Reena's husband, Jittish. Stephen is going to come out with me and we are going to make a morning of it so I have to get going.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Reply
I knew that ranting would lead somewhere, not that I approve of ranting, it is rather childish and having to apologise for ones behaviour after the fact is deflating. I see it all the time with my sister. She has a Ph'D in the subject.
I got a reply from one of my sent out resumes. They do not want my services at this time, but it was good to get a response. in fact the whole thing made me feel oddly good. At least my stuff has begun to make some sound out in the world. As I wrote yesterday, it has been a month, and I am assessing what I have done and where I want to go next.
The company who replied to me had some advise on resumes and interviews and portfolios and I have read it all through and found a few helpful hints.
For every job that I shall apply for, I have to tailor my resume to suit. It is imperative that you read every applied for job's requirements very carefully and try to use the buzzwords that spring forth from them to tailor your resume. It all seems tedious, but when you are waiting for a job, you have the time. The point is to get a foot in the door.
Now that a month has gone by, I have alot to think about. Along with what sort of job do I really want to do, there is the question of how do I get myself visibility in a country where companies want you to stick to rules in a creative industry.(The site said about resumes, no bold text, alighned left spacing and a number of other rules for example)
I think that it is now important for me to go out and see some of these agencies for myself, do a bit more research. The weather is very good at the moment, and it is good to go out and see what is happening in the city. Staying in the burbs won't cut it at all. Not that I am staying in alot, but still, I think that it shall do me well to get out into the city and poke around. have my resume on me, get some cards made, and just step further into the Canadian business world.
Heck, I'll say if asked, that I have a blog and am doing research on what it's like for an immigrant to get a job in the creative industries.
it certainly won't hurt to do some home work at the very least. Companies make suggestions but they are not on the ground floor. At the least, I'll know what I am in for and what I can accomplish at the end of the day.
I got a reply from one of my sent out resumes. They do not want my services at this time, but it was good to get a response. in fact the whole thing made me feel oddly good. At least my stuff has begun to make some sound out in the world. As I wrote yesterday, it has been a month, and I am assessing what I have done and where I want to go next.
The company who replied to me had some advise on resumes and interviews and portfolios and I have read it all through and found a few helpful hints.
For every job that I shall apply for, I have to tailor my resume to suit. It is imperative that you read every applied for job's requirements very carefully and try to use the buzzwords that spring forth from them to tailor your resume. It all seems tedious, but when you are waiting for a job, you have the time. The point is to get a foot in the door.
Now that a month has gone by, I have alot to think about. Along with what sort of job do I really want to do, there is the question of how do I get myself visibility in a country where companies want you to stick to rules in a creative industry.(The site said about resumes, no bold text, alighned left spacing and a number of other rules for example)
I think that it is now important for me to go out and see some of these agencies for myself, do a bit more research. The weather is very good at the moment, and it is good to go out and see what is happening in the city. Staying in the burbs won't cut it at all. Not that I am staying in alot, but still, I think that it shall do me well to get out into the city and poke around. have my resume on me, get some cards made, and just step further into the Canadian business world.
Heck, I'll say if asked, that I have a blog and am doing research on what it's like for an immigrant to get a job in the creative industries.
it certainly won't hurt to do some home work at the very least. Companies make suggestions but they are not on the ground floor. At the least, I'll know what I am in for and what I can accomplish at the end of the day.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
just a moment
I found this wonderful poem online
~
kabhi kabhi
jab mann karta hai bohat
to pawan ban kar
tere chehre par bikhre balon se khelta hoon
ya jab tu
bana rahi hoti hai roti rasoi mein
to chulhe ki aanch ban
neeli ankhon se dekhta hoon tujhe
kabhi kabhi
khud dharti ban bich jata hoon
tere kadmon ta-le
ya pani ban umad aata hoon in ankhon se
yaad ban kar
kabhi akash ban
pehan leta hoon tere har rang ko
sama leta hoon bahon mein tere ehsaas ko
kabhi kabhi
jab bohat yaad aati hai teri
ro padta hoon main
aur hazar kavitayein
bikhar jati hain kagaj par
aise hi
attempted translation
sometimes
when the heart longs too much
i become the wind
and play with your hair, scattered on your face
or when you
are making food in the kitchen
then in the form of the burner's flame
i see you with my blue eyes
sometimes
becoming earth
i spread beneath your feet
or becoming water
well up in the eyes, with memory
sometimes in the form of space
i wear every colour of yours
and merge in the embrace of your feel
sometimes
when i miss you too much
i cry
and a thousand poems
scatter on the page
like this
~
kabhi kabhi
jab mann karta hai bohat
to pawan ban kar
tere chehre par bikhre balon se khelta hoon
ya jab tu
bana rahi hoti hai roti rasoi mein
to chulhe ki aanch ban
neeli ankhon se dekhta hoon tujhe
kabhi kabhi
khud dharti ban bich jata hoon
tere kadmon ta-le
ya pani ban umad aata hoon in ankhon se
yaad ban kar
kabhi akash ban
pehan leta hoon tere har rang ko
sama leta hoon bahon mein tere ehsaas ko
kabhi kabhi
jab bohat yaad aati hai teri
ro padta hoon main
aur hazar kavitayein
bikhar jati hain kagaj par
aise hi
attempted translation
sometimes
when the heart longs too much
i become the wind
and play with your hair, scattered on your face
or when you
are making food in the kitchen
then in the form of the burner's flame
i see you with my blue eyes
sometimes
becoming earth
i spread beneath your feet
or becoming water
well up in the eyes, with memory
sometimes in the form of space
i wear every colour of yours
and merge in the embrace of your feel
sometimes
when i miss you too much
i cry
and a thousand poems
scatter on the page
like this
Listening Post
When I write for Heart, I usually save the document to read later. I do this so that I can listen to the sound of what I am saying.
It was how I was able to say what I really want to do where working is concerned.
It was actually hard for me to admit that I want a job where I can stay home and take care of my child.
It was also actually hard to admit that the job that I want is Artist.
ARTIST
ARTIST
ARTIST
There, I said it.
Is it that I am worried that I cannot do this for a living?
The answer is that I see things as follows-: I have a small window in which to get a job and a place to live. Can I take what feels like a risk and say that i want a job in Art when there is no clear cut way to have a continuous monthly salary from it. Am I being selfish to limit my wants. Shouldn't I be looking at all possibilities and not at just what I want.
There.
At least I am getting somewhere by looking at my concerns squarely.
I have put my resume out for graphic design work. I have also put my resume out there for art work.
I am currently waiting to see who may respond.
I have also started a Web design course that ends in mid November. That shall help me get work as well as part of the programme includes internships.
I am also nearly finished with a book design for a client in Trinidad. So I am working.
But,
I still feel as though i am standing pretty still.
LISTEN to yourself
This anxiety is with me because I think that things should go in a particular way.
ANSWER
You are doing what you can.
Be good with that and let the rest go.
I am hearing a strong BUT surfacing. I know that the but is not attatched to anything because it does not have the answers behind it. Yes, I would prefer to be looking back on the process firmly esconsed in a lovely home, my daughter in my arms, everything perfectly resolved.
maybe I should try an exercise where that is indeed the case.
I am sitting in a really lovely house. My baby is in my arms. Everything that I set out to do is working. My studio awaits, where I have a detailed schedule and one or two workers helping me with my projects.
The house is buzzing a bit because along with a housekeeper, my mother in law is here and she and my little one are going out in a few minutes, so I am giving hugs all around and about to go into my workspace to do several hours of work that includes paper work, sending emails, answering others, doing a phone interview and organising my calendar. I need to get a secretary.
Gosh, that felt real.
That made me feel good.
HOW do I get there? From here
First of all, what I am thinking is very possible. That is the important thing. It can happen, it can be done, it isn't some unreachable dream.
ANSWER
Prepare, do the work and follow the path.
It was how I was able to say what I really want to do where working is concerned.
It was actually hard for me to admit that I want a job where I can stay home and take care of my child.
It was also actually hard to admit that the job that I want is Artist.
ARTIST
ARTIST
ARTIST
There, I said it.
Is it that I am worried that I cannot do this for a living?
The answer is that I see things as follows-: I have a small window in which to get a job and a place to live. Can I take what feels like a risk and say that i want a job in Art when there is no clear cut way to have a continuous monthly salary from it. Am I being selfish to limit my wants. Shouldn't I be looking at all possibilities and not at just what I want.
There.
At least I am getting somewhere by looking at my concerns squarely.
I have put my resume out for graphic design work. I have also put my resume out there for art work.
I am currently waiting to see who may respond.
I have also started a Web design course that ends in mid November. That shall help me get work as well as part of the programme includes internships.
I am also nearly finished with a book design for a client in Trinidad. So I am working.
But,
I still feel as though i am standing pretty still.
LISTEN to yourself
This anxiety is with me because I think that things should go in a particular way.
ANSWER
You are doing what you can.
Be good with that and let the rest go.
I am hearing a strong BUT surfacing. I know that the but is not attatched to anything because it does not have the answers behind it. Yes, I would prefer to be looking back on the process firmly esconsed in a lovely home, my daughter in my arms, everything perfectly resolved.
maybe I should try an exercise where that is indeed the case.
I am sitting in a really lovely house. My baby is in my arms. Everything that I set out to do is working. My studio awaits, where I have a detailed schedule and one or two workers helping me with my projects.
The house is buzzing a bit because along with a housekeeper, my mother in law is here and she and my little one are going out in a few minutes, so I am giving hugs all around and about to go into my workspace to do several hours of work that includes paper work, sending emails, answering others, doing a phone interview and organising my calendar. I need to get a secretary.
Gosh, that felt real.
That made me feel good.
HOW do I get there? From here
First of all, what I am thinking is very possible. That is the important thing. It can happen, it can be done, it isn't some unreachable dream.
ANSWER
Prepare, do the work and follow the path.
The Tolle writings
True intelligence operates silently. Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found.
........................................................
I borrowed the book, Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle from a friend and it is prooving excellent food for thought.
This week I am spending my time finishing the book I am designing. I also have a few errands to run, along with deciding whether to do a course in marketing that is nine weeks long. I just checked online and it wasn't available, but I have one other place to check to see whether I may be able to do it. I am also interested in two real estate classes, but those are quite far out from where I am and I am wondering how smart it would be to take them into December, travelling late into the night. The classes end at ten at night! These classes started on Monday.
What I can find out is whether they would run again at an earlier time. The course that I am doing now takes me more than an hour to get to, and these for real estate are even further out than that, so I am looking at possily two hours both ways in travel. I am not worried about the length of time, I am only concerned with the hour. Travelling very late at night is not something that I would do anywhere in the world unless I were hireing a private car. To do that, it may make better sense to do the programme when I have a steady income.
I must say that I like making these decisions and trying new things. I like the thought of learning something unknown and applying it. As I told my aunt, I found at least fifteen courses of interest.
I think that I wrote this all before, but that doesn't matter.
Jewellery,
Stained Glass,
Italian,
Gold leafing and gilding,
Kundalini Yoga,
Pilates,
Marketing,
Sewing,
Quilting,
Real Estate,
The Stock Market,
Home and Cottage Construction,
Woodworking and Starting your own small business (workshop).
There is so much to do! I love it!
........................................................
I borrowed the book, Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle from a friend and it is prooving excellent food for thought.
This week I am spending my time finishing the book I am designing. I also have a few errands to run, along with deciding whether to do a course in marketing that is nine weeks long. I just checked online and it wasn't available, but I have one other place to check to see whether I may be able to do it. I am also interested in two real estate classes, but those are quite far out from where I am and I am wondering how smart it would be to take them into December, travelling late into the night. The classes end at ten at night! These classes started on Monday.
What I can find out is whether they would run again at an earlier time. The course that I am doing now takes me more than an hour to get to, and these for real estate are even further out than that, so I am looking at possily two hours both ways in travel. I am not worried about the length of time, I am only concerned with the hour. Travelling very late at night is not something that I would do anywhere in the world unless I were hireing a private car. To do that, it may make better sense to do the programme when I have a steady income.
I must say that I like making these decisions and trying new things. I like the thought of learning something unknown and applying it. As I told my aunt, I found at least fifteen courses of interest.
I think that I wrote this all before, but that doesn't matter.
Jewellery,
Stained Glass,
Italian,
Gold leafing and gilding,
Kundalini Yoga,
Pilates,
Marketing,
Sewing,
Quilting,
Real Estate,
The Stock Market,
Home and Cottage Construction,
Woodworking and Starting your own small business (workshop).
There is so much to do! I love it!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
other things to learn
Today I took a look at a catalogue that my aunt brought home. There were about fifteen things that I would like to do. The programmes are also quite inexpensive. I was very happy to see so many options. It is hard to believe that with so many choices there are people walking around thinking that they have no options, or that they are unable to improve their lives.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
A moment
Yesterday I went to the local mall. I had to post a letter. When I finished that, I went to the library and one of the things I looked at was an old issue of Architectural Digest. Architecture has always had a very calming effect on me, and one home stood out so powerfully, I nearly swooned. Placed on the edge of a cliff on one of the Greek islands, the home was a marvel of modern construction. But what struck me even more was the cost. The article did not say the actual cost. But the architect has built the biggest airport in the world and does very few commissions for homes. This house spoke of money, but not in an ostentatious way. I got home and went online, but the AD website was no use. No information was forthcoming.
So, I liked a house in a magazine. But it was more than that. Seeing such an enormous tribute to Art and Design, seeing the possibilities of a dream realised is what I saw when I looked at that house. I felt that I never could imagine being able to do something like that. What does it take? How does it happen. What does that kind of money feel like?
It was sort of like an out of body experience, a bit like my thinking of what it may be like for a pauper to wonder into a mansion.
This feeling is also happening with my work. I look at alot of sites for art and design online, and as I see bodies of work, I place myself within a context. I wonder where I fit in and how to get my work seen.
Today I am taking in a proposal to my consulate to request a show. I am very excited about it.
I suspect that doing the work and having it exhibited is the way to start the ball rolling for me.
That is what I want to do.
The images in the book reminded me that this is why we are on this planet, to dream, dream big, create, make beautiful things. Engage others, uplift our spirits.
So much time is spent worrying, anxious - why?
Does it help us? Are we in any more control doing it?
A house in a magazine reminded me why we live and I am greatful.
So, I liked a house in a magazine. But it was more than that. Seeing such an enormous tribute to Art and Design, seeing the possibilities of a dream realised is what I saw when I looked at that house. I felt that I never could imagine being able to do something like that. What does it take? How does it happen. What does that kind of money feel like?
It was sort of like an out of body experience, a bit like my thinking of what it may be like for a pauper to wonder into a mansion.
This feeling is also happening with my work. I look at alot of sites for art and design online, and as I see bodies of work, I place myself within a context. I wonder where I fit in and how to get my work seen.
Today I am taking in a proposal to my consulate to request a show. I am very excited about it.
I suspect that doing the work and having it exhibited is the way to start the ball rolling for me.
That is what I want to do.
The images in the book reminded me that this is why we are on this planet, to dream, dream big, create, make beautiful things. Engage others, uplift our spirits.
So much time is spent worrying, anxious - why?
Does it help us? Are we in any more control doing it?
A house in a magazine reminded me why we live and I am greatful.
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