turvy topsy

Whatever vibe sent me to this site awhile back, and had me speculating about a man coming into my life in the future...well, there is one that has just literally bumped into me, and although its very new, he is already making it clear to me that he wants to set a big impression about himself. This situation has me confronting some things that tell me that it is very easy to write all that I wrote in theory, but a real live guy in my presence is nothing like it was with The Towers and Frequent Flyer. I think that in both those cases, I could be more cavalier because I had no expectations. Now, because of those experiences, I am filled with thoughts of what I do not want to experience. My first thought is, you don't fucking know me,so, how can you be so enthusiastic and persuasive? I get instantly suspicious. As I think makes perfect sense.What is he seeing is my first thought, and then I stop, because there shall be NO I wonder what he's thinking... with me this time. That's an old construct. This person shows me that I have come to a place where I am not going to jump when I have feelings that are fed...my ego fed. I am writing this now because I see from a different perspective now. This guy bumps into me, he has a lovely singing voice and you can't ignore how he looks.He also has his lyrics down very well.It also turns out that we are in similar creative fields. I put the breaks on at the fact that he's like twelve years younger than I. I start going down a list of why I do not want to know anyone who isn't going to take the time to be my friend, and clearly that takes time. The early meetings, the calling, texting, the degree of comfort felt... The belief that the person is living up to the image that you have in your mind of what this illusive perfect partner should look and act like.Are all in play, all in the consciousness. I can see now that when people meet, there is a degree of belief that has nothing to do with the person. That person is put in a halo. So, damn, people start from a very unrealistic place. Knowing this means for me that it is important to not encourage a man to get all fast and loose with you. Whatever the attraction or pull, it does not mean that I want to ignore all of the delicious sensations newness can bring. it is just that I am automatically cautious, and I have the experience now to ask myself, in what way is this man coming into my life now? Who am I now? What body of thoughts brought him floating into my life? Those are the things that I am looking at now, and I am also looking at what I do want, and have said I want, against who is coming into my life now. I am also doing this compare and contrast with my goals against my plans. In this instance where work is concerned, I like, because I can hone my short and medium term options. The day I met this new person...and I stated awhile back that I would stop giving people nicknames, but I need to give him one. Let me think. Lol. I checked his birthday because he checked my site and decided to talk to me about it...quite ballsy I have to say...so, he isn't moving true to form of that sign. I need to just write and ponder what is coming through me right now.

Between yesterday and today, I have had a few experiences that I want to put here. I saw the guy again and he let me know that he was not trying to pressure me, and that no one has to know our business...etc, etc. It was so awkward that I was not in a position to tell him that I was not interested in going out with him. Then this afternoon, I actually saw him on my way home. I never see him when I am traveling! I had a long meeting to go to that lasted from eleven to three-thirty. I did not expect it to go that long, and I met someone at the meeting who turned out to be very interesting. She started an online business, and we chatted all the way to my stop. Then, as I was getting out of the station to get a taxi, there was a guy walking behind me, a bit in my personal space. I turned to look at him because he was singing and his voice was quite lovely. He was very close to me as I mentioned before, and I got the opportunity to actually look at him. He was very striking, tall, with distinctive eyes. I needed to do something across the street and saw a friend of mine and we got into a bit of a chat, so when I crossed the street again, I was not expecting him to suddenly appear and give me a big complement. It was unusual. I felt so odd that I began to laugh. Then I returned his complement by telling him that he has a nice singing voice. He was outrageously flirting with me. I felt as though I was in an alternative universe, it was so instant. We stood talking and he asked me for my number, but I took his instead. Then I felt someone looking at me. I turned and it was my sisters ex-boyfriend who is here for a week from New York. I introduced him and then he and I started catching up. I got into a taxi finally, and he did as well. He did not pay for me and I did not stop out at my house. It had been a very emotionally intense day, the weather and then the people I dealt with today...it was a lot. I felt like I needed a moment to process everything. Meeting that guy, I don't know what to make of it? Is he sincere? The amount of attention paid me...and the asking for my number, just like yesterday too, where I did not give him my number either...I know what to expect, and I bring my experience to the moment. I told the guy today that I would not give him my number because I am working and I am divorced and not interested in meeting men right now. He was not deterred by my statement. He was quite smooth, telling me that he was taken with me and would like to just talk with me more, and get to know me. Ok. You are laying it on, aren't you! Men do one of two things where I am concerned, they either come on real strong or they try to play it low key in an attempt to seem cool. I know that I can engage any man in a conversation where I leave him interested to speak to me again. I can discuss almost any topic you throw at me, and I am a listener, so that and eye contact followed by actually finding their jokes funny...that does it. That is not an issue that I have with men. I like men. I am not intimidating or stuck up, so I am very relaxed and myself. My issue comes when a man is not being straight with me when we are getting to know each other...as happened with The Towers. He spent years Skyping me and then sent mixed messages that were just exhausting and damn boring...completely time wasting. My experience today brought up for me some issues that I have to deal with about myself. This guy seemed overly exuberant. He didn't seem insincere, but my experiences have really left me more jaded than I thought I was. I do not know what it would take to make me comfortable? Perhaps it would have to be a very, very slow movement to friendship, where he really shows me who he is. I wouldn't want to be judging the person, looking and expecting something that I need to red flag. My experiences have been that a great deal of time is spent knowing each other...talking a lot,going out...at my age, men have sex clearly imprinted on their faces. Its kinda sad actually. I can't get used to that fact. Thinking that the Architect and I could become friends in the vein of my deceased partner was the last disappointment. I clearly still believe in love and have my views of it. But actually going through relationships, is something else altogether, and that is what I am writing about now.

indeed grateful

Leave it all behind. Focus on what I am to build. Forget that noise. Be too busy being and doing what it is I want to do to be great for myself and my child. Have fun. See everything as a benefit to me. I even said to myself that, in an alternate universe, my "Y' and I are blissfully happy and in another, we never met. The multiverse is such a beautiful, convenient thing. It would be very satisfying for it to be the true theory of everything. It would mean that there is actually no reason to regret, because somewhere else in the space time continuum, I have achieved , surpassed and never experienced what i am facing in this life. That knowledge gets all of us if you think about it, off the hook where carrying around guilt, shame, anxiety, sadness etc can be a constant. It puts a perspective on things that without it, makes everything we presently do in this life...life. It says that death is transitory. Whatever I am holding to strongly in this world is fleeting and time is a construct and not linear at all. Life is a mindfuck, so stop filling your head with tidbits, don't make life a fast food meal. Savor it instead.

very grateful

This evening my "Y" husband was supposed to drop our child to me. I was out, but wrote him to suggest that as I was quite close to where he lives, he could pick me up and we proceed to my house. He writes me back and says that I don't seem to understand how much he dislikes being in my presence, so no, he won't pick me up and he's changing everything around to another day. This man has said and done so many ridiculous things, but this one is really a head scratcher. Also tonight, I dealt with another person behaving really foolish around me. But this time, I know that neither issue is about me, although I am observing them. What I did tonight was weigh the situation for once. I could step all the way back, and all the way out of the frame. I asked myself, as I have only ever really looked at it for other people or in movies and literature...I can change my vibration. I don't have to settle for this. this experience and follow up that can go on, as it has gone on for years and years. I don't have to accept this life as I am believing it is today. I am absolutely free to make of my life what I damn well deserve. Something about his absurd behavior helped with this positioning, because at first I searched to find whether I felt a twinge of hurt. Then, I asked myself, why should I feel that way? After the hypothetical question that I out to myself yesterday...the answer was that somehow, I hold him in some regard. How could I do such a think to someone who is so reprehensible? It made it easier to see it for what it was. What I wrote yesterday really helped considerably. Holding someone who treats you badly in a lofty place is to miss yourself. Why did I have that sad inkling to want to give him any regard at all? As he refuses to give any to me? Was I really that badly off in my thinking? No. I was not. I could work my way through the momentary stall, and I did. As I called out to my higher self, I very effortlessly saw the illusion for what it was. His being a bully, I was caving in through fear...I don't want to be disliked...the other person I mentioned from tonight helped me reach this conclusion. My "Y" and the person whom I shall call 'the Architect," because they played this hand on this night, I was able to stand on my own two feet and rebuke the nonsense that in another time would have made me feel that something was wrong with me, and I had to work out why I was drawing such people to me. My perspective now, as I contemplated what happened, is that I don't have to stand for it. My higher self is literally shedding the skin or limitation here. I don't have to settle. I don't have to write things like my "Y" represented the most important emotional relationship to me...and believe that that means that I cannot move on, or cannot find someone that will make my hesitation to move on from him look like the most absurd decision I have ever made! I am not stuck, he is. I have no reason to tell him the things he lets trip from his tongue. My only concern is that our child has chosen to come into this when I felt that I knew a better man the one I now deal with. He is not going to get my energy. he's not going to little me down to being bitter or lose focus. His is a tired, pathetic game. No use can come of it. I pray that he does not damage his health too severely, because that behavior isn't about me and all about him. I think the Architect and I thank him and I thank all of the people who in their perceived negative attitude towards me are actually helping point my way out of this reality that does not suit me anymore. Thank you, thank you. i can move on. Thank you.

Dear future boyfriend

That's the name of a Tumblr that is oh so cute. I wrote that because I decided to Google something that was highlighted in that article I just posted. If someone were looking for me, what they be saying? Interesting question...intelligence, humor,elegance,creativity,good health, very attractive (wink,wink) fun to be with, loves travel, open minded and loving. Waw...that is a bit different from the list I would prepare for someone new. I thought that The Towers had everything I always had on my list, and he did. Except he was also so far from the list where it mattered most, it is the most unusual experience I have ever had wth someone who pursued me. My list was and in some instances, still includes...extremely intelligent, very attractive, funny, honest, caring,self sufficient both emotionally and financially...that one's new for obvious reasons. I could possibly think of other things, but that's it for now. My best friend as I mentioned before was the ideal partner, and that was because I really hold friendship in high regard. Anyone I am attracted to, I would expect to develop a friendship with them. I believe that once that can be done, then a relationship can happen easily. I have mentioned a partner. We mutually respect what the other does for a living, we are supportive of the other and want the other to succeed. What's why the word partner matters to me. This makes the person dependable, reliable, trustworthy and considerate. Someone to enjoy as a dear friend also deceased said to me. Someone who loves having fun, laughing and doing things on the spur of the moment from time to time. Willing to try new things and to not take himself too seriously. That would be lovely. I am not writing anything that I would not do myself. A sensual, sexy guy. I love writing little notes and doing some unexpected things that I have never been able to do yet! I shall leave that list for another post. I believe that I have also written before that whomever the person will be, clearly it would be someone who wants to be in a relationship and wants to work at making it matter in their life. I have written a lot tonight! Waw, I did not expect to. it shall be interesting to read all of this back one of these days.

Epilogue

Could my "Y' be my jump off? Ok...now that I have stopped laughing hysterically...could I make an arrangement with him for us to be exclusively the others 'person for sex?" I understand that people do it all the time! Listen to me, like its a done deal! After all that I wrote before, including that the man and I don't even speak amicably. But I am not letting that be a problem. Ha,ha,ha. I literally just Googled it. Waw, what I just read was great! Here are some points-:If you must really know the truth, having sex with an ex rarely ends up as sweet and enjoyable as you think. It may just be the chemicals in our bodies, or something deeper, but almost always, an attachment is formed with an ex after sex, where you’d be left with mixed feelings. One part of you would just want to fall in love with your ex again, while the other part knows the relationship can’t really last. Mostly, at some point, you’d have to choose between your ex and your present amore, or you may just end up having an affair. I hope you do remember this is your ex we’re talking about. There’s a reason the relationship didn’t work out the first time around. It takes a certain amount of control to judge a sex buddy a.k.a. ex lover as something purely physical and nothing more. An occasional hook up now and then has every chance of blooming into a passionate relationship. And let’s face it, do you really think you can survive the romance together with all the differences coming up all over again? It’s not easy to leave emotions out of the picture. You may think you’re James Bond or one of his lusty women who can just swing, jump and walk away without a second look, but walking out of your ex’s bedroom wouldn’t be easy. Feelings and hopes of a second chance start springing up now and then, and with each round of good sex, you can’t help but think “hey, the sex is awesome, should I give this relationship another go?” Are both of you surely out of love? Fat chances are, one of you may still be in love with the other, and keep it a secret. This is especially true in recent break ups where one partner is ready to accept anything just to have more contact with the ex. This sort of a relationship is the worst, because everything starts to spiral around lust and love, and it tends to get nasty when one of you wants out. Even otherwise, old wounds open up, and very soon, both of you would be left wondering “are we having a fling or have we got back together?!” Remember, having sex with an ex is hot, but as with everything else that’s exceptionally good, there are several snappy reactions that can come into the picture. As tempting as it can be, focus on why you broke up with your ex in the first place. And if you have to be friends, try not to think of them as moving sex toys. It may feel nice at first, but it only takes a few passionate nights together in bed to bring back the old memories of a love that never was, and a few more nights of carnal abuse to mess your world up. Sound advice indeed. It may seem convenient. But, this casual thing that i have wondered about it anything but. I would have to literally do a wam, bam, thank you sir with him. I would also have to make it literally a hook up where it cannot become a regular thing, or else feelings would come into play tut sweet!! And hearing about what a bitch I am would sour the whole thing in a heartbeat and leave me angry that i even considered it to begin with. I am glad that I read that.

Part II

Yes, so, I remember many years ago, falling out with a friend of mine and we didn't speak for years. When we finally spoke again, I remember thinking how damn boring it was. It was as though she had not moved on at all. She had the same stories to tell, she said the same phrases. I know I sound like an ass, but this diary is for my truth, so too bad. I probably sounded the damn same way to her, so there. It made me acutely aware that you can't go home again. I also doubled back with my first ex, but didn't find lack of growth per say with him, just a spineless individual who I unfortunately still find myself glossing over every day when I ask myself wtf was I thinking!!! But, yeh, my "Y' husband, I do find myself thinking about why I have not been able to successfully move forward where he is concerned. For starters, we were in court. That kept me in one place. There are some physical reminders that keep him literally smoothed up against me like a glass is separating us but I can see him in some compartmentalized box. Lol. He has made certain that he is as unpleasant as he can possibly be. He has sent not a smudge, not an inkling of a suggestion that he has a shred of good feelings for me. Apart from some of his actions. Now, that sounds hilarious. I know...but he says horrendous things, but he has been kind in some of his actions over the years. Yet, his words trump his actions. I suppose that his actions keep me hopeful that he will eventually put down the pose and be a better guy??? Maybe, but who has time for that!! Also, who wants someone who has been like that as well??? This is the equivalent to extreme bias ht you because they like you bullshit!!! No, this boy hits me because he's an asshole!! He needs to come correct and check his damn self!! Why would I allow him the time of day! I probably wouldn't if he suddenly came at me all nice and sweet.I would be so shocked, so stunned that I would have to sleep with a knife under my pillow for the fact that I would count his sincerity. For me to tack back, I would have to see a whole different person over a damn bit of time, like say...five to ten years, and still, would I really think he had changed? I think that I should just let that one go. I may be sentimental, but I am not that sentimental! Of course there must be someone in the whole wide world who will get what I am about, and make me see why no one else has been a fit before he came along. But until then, I get me, and I like me, so I am NOT waiting on a "him." I never have.

guilty secret

Ok,so, I have been having some thoughts that I let run slightly rampant. I kinda let it out to run around and then pen it up again. Lol. These thoughts need to have some airing,because they come back again and again...and I think that I should just follow through and figure out what they are saying to me. The invitation to go swimming at night by the guy I have known for a few years has kinda done this now. I have to make sense of some of my conflicting views. My reaction to my colleague tells me that I am very clear deep down that I have some strong don'ts about men right now. I wrote and I spoke today about condescending behavior. At times like this, I miss my partner, because he was truly so much a huge part of my wellbeing when it came to interacting with a man. We were in the same field, we were friends from the moment we met, and we nurtured our friendship. So I would say that those traits are the things that I look for and I miss. I don't expect it on my job. But it is easy to miss it because my partner and I worked together as well. I just miss him, miss him, miss him. I also miss ever so often that daft man, frequent flyer. We were friends as well, and thank god, I am not always sending my mind to him, but just from time to time, my mind runs on him and thankfully though, i say to myself...I am satisfied with what I chose to do. I certainly am, because there was no alternative where he was concerned. i had to stop speaking to him. But it makes me a bit sad sometimes when I think of how very, very long we were friends. I should realize that it is only natural to remember someone with fondness who is alive the way i remember my partner who is dead. I take a moment, I say what I say to myself and I move on. I will have feelings, because I am alive and I am not a robot. Sure, but why still as a friend of mine said once, tote feelings? Do I wish things had turned out differently? Perhaps! But as i also know, there was no straight, cut and dried results as far as I could see. He brought up a lot of things that i would have to take into account if things had gone different. I do believe that this outcome was the best I could make, and I am grateful that I made it when I did. I was able to make it because of the really, really messy conclusion to the other relationship that I also had to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I am being a strong person or just walk! I make that analysis because this self talk that I trot out is counter productive. So I must also state that I am glad that I started this entry with my cards on the table. I can be negative about myself, or I can be wise. I choose to be wise. I would say, for me to have such up and down moods about this past thing has to do with still holding on a bit to it because I did have some expectations. What is odd to reconcile is that I know that I made the best decision. I did. I could not keep on being literally that man's 'work' wife! Yuck and dammit!!!! It was so subtle, that I didn't even realize that it was that! But it was sooooooo very that! Writing a bit more, I can see underneath this. I am looking at the 'good little girl' syndrome. I wanted to be someones everything. That kinda makes me laugh. OMG! Sheesh! I believe in being and having someone as everything. My dead partner was MY everything... as close to perfect that I could imagine..apart from his being a gay man. Lol. What does 'my everything' even mean???? I wrote it down already...nurtured, regarded, respected, loved, being myself, his being himself, honest with each other, gentle with each other, funny together, focused on our very best together, giving each other space. What I had was truly lovely. It was real love. Is it that I have been searching for it ever since? To be looking for it is to say that I am dating, which I certainly have not. Apart from the two disasters I experienced a few years ago, no one has asked apart from that recent person, and I have not been looking either. But then there comes the biggest thoughts running around. Before I state the obvious, I want to allow the statement that I just made to marinate around me. My friend provided a partnership where we worked at giving and taking with each other from an amicable space. I have every right to look upon that for what it was because it was really damn exceptional! I never stopped loving him, or he, me. He cannot be replaced. I can find other types of relationships, of course. But if I were to be asked which one was the most fulfilling it would definitely be the one I had with him. With that written, I cannot now look upon my "Y"husband as the definition of the best relationship that I have ever had in my life. What I can claim however, is that he also represents the most important relationship I have ever had for another reason. He represents the most emotional relationship I have ever had. I would say on a sort of Olivia Pope/Fitzgerald Grant sort of way. Lol,lol. I worry that I am only reacting to him because of the fight he now puts up every time we have to interact with each other. But that isn't true. Our relationship broke up unexpectedly on my part, so where do you put your love for someone when something is over? I have not really moved on have I? I have thought that I could by getting involved with an ambivalent married man and then an ambivalent lothario. It says more about me than I would like to admit, my own ambivalence. I clearly attracted what I was at that time. Now, I have to do the emotional work to move on.Whatever direction I choose, I definitely desire something that will feel on par or even better, way, way better than my friendship goals...as my friend wasn't into girls. lol. I have sometimes said that someone who could be a mix of my best friend and my "Y" husband would be a great person to meet.I believe that I can do even better than that, now that I have it in writing.What I mean is that, some of my "Y' husband's traits, I certainly would not have the wherewithal to experience again, his temper, his moodiness...hell to the no. This is getting quite long...I shall make this a two parter...

closer and some other thoughts

I wrote about some carts a few weeks back.Well now I think that I am getting closer to how I want the whole think to work. I spent some time yesterday focusing on what my vision is, and was very pleased with the outcome.It is experimental stuff, and its very exciting to me. Sometimes when I am writing, if I really put down all the things leading me here, it might be dizzying to do. For example, I find one of my colleagues to be quite condescending at times, and it irked me. So I sat down and worked out what it was in myself that this was affecting. The answer that I got was illuminating. One, I petulantly stated that I don't want a man telling me what to do. But when I looked more deeply, i found that my real issue was that I actually feel that I am in an environment where the rules are sketchy at best and on the one hand, I have so much to offer, and yet, I feel challenged by what is there that gives me the impression that I will have obstacles to get what I want to do, done. He just represents the gatekeeper of that ambivalence. So, tonight, my answer to myself is fuck that. JUST DO IT. Lol. In the past I might have spent a long time on reacting, but I have come a very long way from that. I now ask, what is this showing me? I have also spent the last month or two wanting to do some of my personal work, but I have not decided exactly what it is I want to do? That one sounds stranger still. But really, it has to do with another project that I really have to decide whether it should be wearable or not? As i am writing that, I think that I can make this concept both! In fact, the very concept of the "Fun house," may be the way that I should go for this other project. NEXT...

oh, by the way...

Recently a guy I have known for some time asked me out. I was flattered, but said nothing definitive to I'm because I was working at the time, and I really could not focus on that. So he found a moment to ask me again. It will now be a few times that he has asked me. I have been so busy, that it was not until two nights ago, I thought to myself that I have to tell him that I am flattered, but I am not interested in doing that. I was a bit surprised at myself, because, I have known him for several years, and I have been thinking that it would be nice to go out with someone. But when he asked me, my first thought was that I really do not want to go out with a man and be doing it just for kicks. I don't have the time to waste. Why go through all of the dressing up and eating, drinking or dancing at different places...and then there is the unspoken but very serious intention of expecting sex down the mine that I really do not want to give to another man who isn't likely to be interested in a long term relationship. I was struck by the weirdness of all of it. He is asking me out because he has some thoughts that he can't seem to prevent me from seeing, clearly on his mind. I don't think that he is a bad guy from being so transparent. It is just that I ask myself, why? Why would I want to do that now in my life? Of course I would like to meet someone I can be great friends with, truly enjoy talking to, going out with and slowly working my way into something deeply meaningful. I thought that I had done that awhile back, but I was definitely mistaken. This invitation has made me think that I need to decide what I want from a relationship for real, and see how I can make it actually happen. I found that as I was thinking no, I felt the long shadow of all that I have gone through, and that was a big part of the turn off for me. So, there is work for me to do, before I am ready to say yes to whomever decided to ask me in the future.

Easter

It is nearly that time of year when I have to adjust my focus. Things come to an end, and I am now expecting my efforts to pay off in the creation of new projects. I just completed another recommendation for someone, and I was reading it back. Of late, I have been thinking about some of the work that I want to achieve from the standpoint of legacy, yes, but also consolidation. By that I mean, I am approached all of the time to help so many people, I ask myself, what about me? How am I taking all of this support and committing it to myself? One excellent thing did come from my week I must stress. I had an opportunity to spend a few hours without distraction going over why I feel so antsy about my plans, and I concluded that I just need to make a proper plan for my projects and start them. Once I do so, I shall find that I wont feel that way anymore. Also, I now realize that last year I was in the throws of some serious work for deadline,and clearly, there is so much more I would like to be doing. Also, my ex (I mean "Y") just sent me a long letter about our child's report and a few typical comments that usually would have gotten me to respond to every sentence he made almost instantly. This time around, I am not even remotely desirous of doing such a thing. I have my own intentions, and it does not serve me to respond or to let him know what they are. I feel such a relief from this choice that I have to write it here. There are other ways to bell a cat, as the saying goes.

I had to write tonight, because I got home and felt so excited about the way I was feeling. I just feel confident about my decisions.Yesterday I did something that I don't usually do, and that was that I asked myself a question about some of my plans and hopes that usually leaves me stumped. When I am stumped, I usually leave the question alone and I may come back to it. But usually, it would end up being something that I handle in a circular way. I start heaping up a list of why I will have a problem, so it is as though the 'problem' cannot be fixed at all. But because I have been working on having a different mindset, I am finding that I can tackle the things that I used to feel I could not solve. I am able to pull from my ideas and vision for better as a matter of course now, and what I am feeling does not have doubt and skepticism behind it.

the Y

A bit more on the "Y". Tonight, I decided that I shall write a script for myself. The project that I mentioned here a few weeks ago, I got a glimpse of how it can be achieved. I was taking a taxi into town and I saw a very smartly dressed young man with an insulated cooler shaped box on a folded table . He had a bag with metal tongs inside it, and another bag filled with paper bags. he also had a large red umbrella. But it was his tee-shirt that struck me. It said something about entrepreneurs. He was simple, yet striking, and seeing him, and then when I got into town I saw two other people, a man and a woman in the same get up. I thought, ok, this is great! This is a group of people making work for themselves. I loved it. But, I don't want to get offtrack. This is about my plans. I used to cringe when I did this. I would write so many things I wanted to do, and when I could not achieve it, I would be so downcast, to the point where I felt that I should stop making plans. I am so glad that I do not feel that way anymore, plans are an opportunity to stretch yourself. They come freely and that's a great thing. I give myself a year to change my present situation to one of prosperity. I will no longer find myself stalled by my present job. I will achieve the things that I set out to do. I expect to be able to feel freer, happier, relieved that I am seeing myself able to really make decisions because I can do so. I am not waiting for this or that shoe to drop. I embrace my decision to call forth what I see for myself now. Change for the better can happen in a blink of an eye. My focus is now outward and upward. Amen.

A wonderful day

Indeed. Such a great day! My "Y' husband sent me his usual aggressive text yesterday. and then today he went off on a bender. What changed today was the way I responded to him. It was as though as the saying goes, something snapped in me. It was me saying, I am not going to read, or read into the trash that comes out of his mind and onto the screen of my phone. That is HIS belief. His limitation, it is where he chooses to be. What I will not do is entertain it as something that I shall take on or ingest.It was tangible to me as I stated this fact to myself. But something else also happened. I said aloud what I would prefer before I could even vet it. I learned so much this week, I don't even know where to begin. I observed so much. I saw the way people with the perfect tools to succeed, sabotage themselves. i saw the way someone with very little skill could take their naked desire to achieve what they want grab it and succeed. Although nothing that they are doing is properly structured or competently established. I saw the way my colleague uses me and others around him to prop himself up against. We all like to feel whatever it is we need to build our image..in his instance, it is a need to look strong and powerful. In a way, typically male behavior, and so, I watched that , quite aware of what he was doing for his ego's sake. It was interesting, because in the past, I might have felt that I needed to challenge him by counter acting his statements. But as my "Y" did what he did, it was as though what I experienced with my colleague would give me the hint to know that I also did not have to jump at what my "Y" always does. I usually respond, I get riled up, because he is riled up. But this time, I could see his moves. i also imagined that his angry energy was wafting through the phone and i replied to myself aloud, I love you, I wish you well. All is well. I also had to deal with a hustler this week. The person has the traits although they are setting themselves up as an intellectual. I got to see them in full mode. But what happened this week was that, I decided to sit and stay still and give myself a moment to think on my approach to them. I had discussed them enough to draw a belief system around them...which may or may not be 100% true. However, I reminded myself that there is my observation and beliefs. the other persons observations and beliefs and the thing itself. I decided to look at the actual "concern" around what the person was doing as a thing with air around it. pretty much the way Eckhart Tolle says that you are the person observing the person thinking. When I did that, it became easy to be detached. i saw it similarly to the way one would see a bowl with something inside it inside of a larger container filled with water. Seeing that I could isolate the "thing" as separate from my notions or the other persons notions that I had deduced...I then focused on what I wanted to achieve, and no longer on the moves that would be made by the person and by myself. If this is said, then I should say that and so on. This was remarkable for me. I slowed down the chatter in my mind and the only way I can write it, is to say that I got into the flow, and it was from there that i could move forward and cut through whatever it was that it might be or really was...and seek and achieve a different outcome...and this shall help me with the "Y"

there are days and then there are daze

The never ending puzzle that is consciousness will get me every time. There is so much to suppose, deduce, put together and analyze and then when you get somewhere, you are actually nowhere. But yet, I persist. Today it was about expecting coincidences to lead to the next one to be able to say to myself de ja vu. But today, the subtle difference was the connection of a number of other things in the mix. It started with the behavior of one or two people for a presentation. Both people in our great big illusion that is our world, felt so put upon about their lot when actually, they were being handled not only fairly, but beyond helpful, yet they could not, would not see it. The second person going so far as to decide to act, not wanting any help. So she ruined one of her pieces because she would not bend and say, can you assist me with this. Later, I spoke to another person, someone who could not be in the presentation, and the people I just spoke about were upset, finding the person who did not succeed very lucky. The logic was so skewed that I had to have a moment. I had to explain how very bazaar the logic was. But this evening was the ultimate of that whole mishmash of thinking. A conversation with our hairdresser...as always she has some tall very real stories. From her own family and her daily experiences. This time was really a new one. I have never even heard of anything like it. She said that she was awake very early in the morning and looked out of her window because she was hearing something. She looked up to see what it was and saw to her great shock, an airplane flying was below radar. In my country today the news is always bad and violent and scary in the violence. That is all that anyone I know talks about with anxiety and dismay. Here I am, in my country, living in it, part of all of the weirdness of place and space. There are enough challenges to be distracted. I have read all that I can about positive thinking and I have been mindful of how words and actions produce certain outcomes...and perhaps that is all it is. But my mind says, no that is the beginning of the best part because I believe that an answer is afoot. So when my hairdresser talks about a plane and we get into all of the things that we are hearing every single day on the news and making deductions from them...and wondering where we are standing amidst all of this insanity...it becomes a Hmmmmm, moment. too much of this leads to that.Why is weighted, negative content what sticks? It seems. Today the rapid fire of things in the im-material seemed to inform and create the material. So I had to listen and observe what was happening particularly. Now, how could I look at a whole country against a few people I interacted with today? Everything is interconnected and everything is related or relative. The answer is actually so right out there in the open...as old as time. Biblical time that is. In the Garden, so much choice leads to full awareness. Awareness brings pain. The people in the presentation...aware...and pained. Somewhere amidst all that used to work, suddenly nothing is right,nothing works anymore and that is that there is too much illusion, we cannot tell the difference anymore and all that is ever really true is the subtle gossamer currents that show all of us a teeny, tiny way forward. But the current is so damn strong that it is easy to mistake the pull for the pure action. So you as Eckhart Tolle has stated, "You are the person or entity observing the person thinking.

I may not have written it in all of this time, but for years I felt as though my anxiety was at the top of my way of thinking, so although I appeared to anyone observing me to be normal, I think I was never really feeling secure. It has taken a lot of work on my part to be here today where I can make a decision, with all of the boxes not ticked, still needing other things to work out...yet, force, I am not adding a sense of dread to my planning. I used to write that I had plans and lists, and I would even write optimistically about an idea, and then, it would just fizzle. Things would get to a certain degree and then...suddenly, nothing. It would seem like I would be putting so much effort out and yet, some insurmountable thing would stall me. I would listen to other people and I would hear other people making plans and seeing them through. Not that every plan I had fell flat, it was just that those I saw as pivotal to getting me from point A to B seemed to crash and burn. Now, a simple move like, plan, consider, think of my ice and know that it takes just small steps, somehow, that is extremely comforting and nurturing to me right now. A number of incremental things had to come into play for me to finally get here. First of all, there is no 'me' and 'them' where expectations are concerned. One set of rules for the world and another for me. I had to confront exactly what negative things I have been telling myself like a mantra for most of my life. I also am so grateful that I am now so fed up that even if I wanted to fall back into old negative habits, I am not only fed up of what they have wrought, but also tired and bored to be going through the same results that lead nowhere. Infusing my mind with at least one thing that I may not have known before, or a topic that can get my mind shifting...not that I have not been doing that for years...and thank goodness. But in this instance, it was a conscious decision to make new memories. It sounds sort of flippant. You make new memories every day. Indeed, but I also think a lot of the same things every day as well. My self talk is filled with the same old record player views. It is so damn easy to for example think of my "Y" husband...someone recently suggested I call him that instead of "x" and that is quite funny. If I focus on him, I can easily find myself recalling something from our past, or focusing on something he said or did recently. The other day,a friend of mine did this with me as she called to ask my opinion about something. I heard her go into he past and use it to predict her future and i was dismayed at how easily she did it. How can I say that I want this or that, and then go back to having a mindset that prevents my own good? Its like someone saying that they want to lose weight, but they would not check what they eat, change the foods in their refrigerator and pantry, exercise or diet. I cannot say that I want to have a certain degree of success if everything that can stall me is allowed to stump me. Put that way, I can easily find a reason to not progress, but thank god that I have pushed through that feeling many times in my life, so I know that I can succeed as long as I don't keep my focus on the thing that may have yet again hurled itself in my vision to laugh at my plans. I can now say, yes, I see you, meddling with me again, but guess what, that's all your doing, meddling. I have an answer for that, and for thenext one and the next one and the next one coming down the pike. That's how you beat it. You just do.