oh, by the way...

Recently a guy I have known for some time asked me out. I was flattered, but said nothing definitive to I'm because I was working at the time, and I really could not focus on that. So he found a moment to ask me again. It will now be a few times that he has asked me. I have been so busy, that it was not until two nights ago, I thought to myself that I have to tell him that I am flattered, but I am not interested in doing that. I was a bit surprised at myself, because, I have known him for several years, and I have been thinking that it would be nice to go out with someone. But when he asked me, my first thought was that I really do not want to go out with a man and be doing it just for kicks. I don't have the time to waste. Why go through all of the dressing up and eating, drinking or dancing at different places...and then there is the unspoken but very serious intention of expecting sex down the mine that I really do not want to give to another man who isn't likely to be interested in a long term relationship. I was struck by the weirdness of all of it. He is asking me out because he has some thoughts that he can't seem to prevent me from seeing, clearly on his mind. I don't think that he is a bad guy from being so transparent. It is just that I ask myself, why? Why would I want to do that now in my life? Of course I would like to meet someone I can be great friends with, truly enjoy talking to, going out with and slowly working my way into something deeply meaningful. I thought that I had done that awhile back, but I was definitely mistaken. This invitation has made me think that I need to decide what I want from a relationship for real, and see how I can make it actually happen. I found that as I was thinking no, I felt the long shadow of all that I have gone through, and that was a big part of the turn off for me. So, there is work for me to do, before I am ready to say yes to whomever decided to ask me in the future.