Act as if...

It struck me yesterday that this statement came to mind and now I am internalizing it for its wisdom. So many things still need to be dealt with, and it seemed to be overwhelming things with no real solution in sight. I had to just step back and admit it to myself. What do I want to experience? Then this evening I saw this fully in action via a visit I made to a clients home. He and his wife live simply and elegantly. Their manner with each other is loving and respectful. There was no artifice. When I started my day, I was in such a different place, writing this and then I was faced with a long standing issue that is always quick to upset. So now, to go from one emotion to another and another as I have, yet the latter ending as it did, I am truly grateful.

The newest thing

A dear friend of mine came over today and we discussed my plans for business. What he had to say to me was very sobering, but more so, it was very helpful. It has given me much to consider. Unlike in the past though, I feel empowered by this knowledge. I can make certain decisions now that I could not make before because I did not know. To say that I had specific career plans, I would not say so. I got work based on what was available to me, and I created my own work many times. I asked quite a few people on my trip, how do they make a living? What I found is that for everyone there is compromise. The people making big figures in the field got opportunities based on being seen and then working to do more. My friend put it to me today point blank about the way I was seeing my dream. I did not realize that I was saying what I was then feeling so strongly when I travelled. I want to take a few days to think about what we discussed. After all of this time I think that I have found a way to make it happen and I am very excited about it. For example one of my friends mentioned to me a way that she gets her work sold. This is through photography. What I need though is to speak to a few more people, as I formulate how I am making this happen. I need to know and understand the marketplace. I have a few ideas to discuss with two printers I know. Once I do that, I shall have a better gauge on where I will go next.

Back, and back again

After an as always wonderful conversation, I met with the towers for a meeting today. When I was abroad, he and frequent flyer contacted me regularly! I have always appreciated our conversations. I cannot complain about the value of them. So today,on my way to his place, I wondered about how things had been the last time I was there. It was under very different circumstances. I acknowledged that, and found that much had stayed the same where our communication was concerned. He had done a lot of things, but also, he was working, so for the first time, I found his place less than pristine. It made me smile, because it meant that like me, when he is focused, he is completely so. I was very fortunate to have seen some of what he had done, because at his place, very few pieces were left. One that stayed I noticed, was based on something we had discovered together, so I was unexpectedly touched. The meeting went well, and he made us lunch. It was substantial, lots of vegetables and fresh fish with tomatoes. He made the first suggestion to me of something else happening between us, but I refused to bite. I had been there before, and I had no desire to repeat it again. But it made me laugh and feel my ego boost itself a little from the observation. So then, when I was on the verge of leaving,another side of him appeared. He came towards me and just held me and held me. I appreciated it so very much. I told him that I was securing my body in the spot that always brought me comfort with him,that being within the crook of his chest and armpit. Whether we have come so far, that artifice is no longer necessary. I cannot say. I also do not think that I should start posting out wedding invitations...ha,ha,ha. We had a lovely moment on my terms. I left very content about things. I like the status quo, and I still believe that if it is to be anything more,it is up to him to proove to the two of us, that that is the case.until then, I shall hold sted.

Away and back again

For a month I was abroad, and that time allowed me to focus on what I truly love. Having the opportunity to do that was a revelation. I settled down, happily focusing at last, asking myself what if, trying new things and making lasting friendships with others in my field. It felt like a healing, it made such an impression on me. So much so, that I truly feel that much has changed. I see and feel it. It is a joyous feeling. It seems almost absurd that in such a small way, I suspended my expectations and just allowed myself to be. I had been so tightly wound, that it took some time for me to believe that I could actually breathe out. Having the opportunity to be so separated from my concerns, I befriended myself again. I found myself hearing myself and listening to my words when the two friends that became my roommates in the cottage spoke with me and asked me about myself. I did this without artifice, and found that much of my life's experiences at present seemed centered around emotional connections. I had some habits that spoke up to me, and I confronted. Then at other times, I had the opportunity to see that I just had an old way of seeing, or thinking, or that what I had had difficulty with, was nothing at all. It was very good for me.

Sometimes

Two relatives died within days of each other this week.They lived together and their father died in April. With all the work that I had to do, I was also faced with the shock of these developments. Their deaths have caused much introspection about duty and relationships in general. I did not know them very well. They were quiet, retiring people, and the pace and attitudes set by the older people in the family, and their behavior as well, never led one to venture to press them to do things that other family members did as a matter of course. What their lives show me is that no ones way of life is to be judged unworthy or less than another. They may not have sought a fast lifestyle. They may not have courted friendships...but they mattered to each other. They did not come into the world and take from it and give nothing back. They were dutiful to their parents to the end, and I believe that their deaths groove that they were indeed their parents sons....come to support them and to leave without fuss. It must have been a decision made in the ether, to support each other....the ultimate gift of love. ................................. Meanwhile, The Towers and I have had some very long talks. We are now on better footing. It is working out better. I feel less stressed by him now. I am still working on how to have a good friendship with him, but things have improved sharply for the better. .................................

What I would tell myself if I knew me

Stop the worrying and judging yourself, and the caring how your failures may appear to others. You are here for so much more, and all of that worry is keeping you from getting where you know you need to be. You have been separated from love and from closest friendship. Left to be with family, and in a part time less paying job....all for a reason that says, you are enough.....and anyone trying to break this strength is not welcome. You heard yourself quite well,and you know what you do not want. So go be the best you, right now, and move forward.

That damned ego

The ego is so smooth.....sheesh! When I read over what I wrote,...I want an apology.... I sound like a petulant child. I had what is called in our slang...ah teef head. I have been working myself up into a lather about these topics. As though searching for the best way to get myself to pay attention to sabotaging feelings. I know that that is so because I am not achieving anything that propels me forward. I am stuck in the past by indulging such thought, If I don't get what I secretly want, then I will torture myself with verbal flagellation. What a thing, I must be vigilant.

A good thing

I used to think that I "feel" too much, I am too sensitive. But now I know that there is nothing wrong with that. When I am aware of sensations around me, it is actually an opportunity to check my emotional temperature and that of those engaging me. Some of the feelings are...sadness, disappointment, concern, worry....anxiety based things based on ways that I have approached things in my recent past. So, imagine when I read this today..." Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." Ralph Waldo Emerson I found that so refreshing. I am quarrelsome with myself....going over silliness. At the crux of things is the fact that the evidence before me in the instances that still irk me, I decided to take some risks, put my feelings out there, test the waters... And I feel like it was for nothing. This is not true when I think on it rationally. I found out things, made decisions, saw how people behave and made strong choices...but sometimes you do not win friends and influence people by your actions. I did something stupid and did it for reasons that felt right at the time and when I knew better, I did better....but hurting someone in the process upsets me, because I never wanted to do that. Yet I think that in the end, everything was weirdly helpful because it may have finally ended something that was pathologically unhealthy for me. I want to confront this situation....and I do not know if it is just something that I shall have to live with. But this poor me archetype that I used to embrace, I now better now that I know that I am no victim. I also know that despite feeling bad to have hurt the person, I also know that my friend is in an abusive relationship, deeply, deeply afraid of changing and moving on because it has been so comfortable to pretend that everything is great. The other thing....I get mad because I think I got taken by a con artist. There was a lead on that I never fully felt. Yet I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. I want to write all of this down to really get a handle on myself. The situation that I was talking about could only happen with someone I have known for a very long time. I want an apology.....that's why I am not settled. I want an apology from both people for taking advantage of my friendship, regard and love. There, I said it. I W A N T A N A P O L O G Y. So right now, I think that I need to imagine how I would feel if I got what I wanted.

Latest

Hmmmm. So much NOT going on. But that is always a good thing. I am old enough to know that whatever I am not missing, I do not need to miss. The Towers checks up on me every week now. It is a bit annoying because to me he is doing this purely because he is idle. I would much prefer he come clean and say whatever he needs to say, but I am afraid that he is clueless....and the last time I dealt with a man being that clueless, I knew that my relationship was in deep trouble. What annoys me most though is that it still gets a reaction out of me, and that nibbling trifle is very off putting. Why is it still hanging around? Did I think that we might have had something for a moment there? Perhaps..but what gets me is that I gave it a chance at all! I am kind of mad at myself still for giving him so much of my time, energy, affection etc. He appeared one way and now seems like a complete douche! I know that it is better to know this now than later, but it still irks me. I suppose that the feeling will run it's course and eventually fall away of it's own weight. The other weighed down feeling comes from my ex and the crap I got involved in. I would never have pit myself into such a situation other than him. I trusted him. But then, if I really follow the thread of this, he was really, really very conflicted and I cannot help him. He has to confront himself. He has told so many, many, many lies about his feelings, needs and wants...even about his abilities in his career...he has spent a great deal of time molding himself to fit an image that he does not even know that he is in an abusive relationship. So, again, it is best that I was able to step back completely as I have done. Then lastly, I have comment terms with these dead limbs, the last being frequent flyer, who continues to seek out my friendship. I do however have it under control. I do not encourage too much time, and I stick to the issue at hand. What all of this now means to me, is lots of free emotional time to say to myself, get your house in order. The right person is coming, and the baggage that I was holding on to, must really be swept away for good.

The vacuum

From time to time I think that it takes me too long to learn. But the question may be, too long to learn what? For when something is known that helps change how you handle information, it never seems too late. I have been readi g a great deal about the mind and particularly the ego. It has been an unexpected comfort, as much of human behavior from what I am gathering...nature, nurture... Ways we all choose to respond to life in accordance with indoctrination of some kind, helps me to see that much of our patterns are predictable. This fact makes thinking a fraction differently very freeing. Over the last few years I have kept a flame burning for my ex husband. I have also kept it flickering for my other ex, and for frequent flyer. I have had these people all in hand, juggling the possibilities that one might pan out and proofs to be the one for me. Then came The Towers and somehow, I realized that I had created a vacuum in my life, not going forward, not really committing. Not doing much of anything. My life was reading that way all around. I had to do something. At the very least, I had to acknowledge that I was going nowhere but getting traction from it. Then the most amazing thing happened, all that I was holding onto, just fell away. I let go. It even felt like a relief. I was being held together by a series of constructs that no longer served me. Now, I am looking anew from a place with my mind and heart open.

Focus is everything, it can pull you toward or away from whatever it is that you feel you must be doing at a given time. I have seen over the years how a simple adjustment in my vision can help or hinder me in. My desire to do something. Of late I have been more and more mindful of solving the way I achieve things in my life. I have been like most people who set out to follow a known and hidden sense of what life should be about. Before you know it you have spent years living a certain way, fitting into a system that seems to work. It gets you on a treadmill that you feel relatively comfortable in because everyone else is doing it in various degrees. So, now what? You want to rock the boat, you want to be a different sort of money maker, parent, lover, woman, whatever... How to do it in this construct? Is it too late? So much time has already been spent? So much...

Bemusement

Today I was giving much thought to my year. I have spent what to me are some rough times emotionally, going over and over some rocky ground that left me feeling so much disappointment. Who wants to feel that way? The irony is also that I have a friend who has gone through something along the lines of one of my experiences, and she has leaned on me tremendously over the last few months, laying all of her emotions on the line, over and over again I have reassured her of her power, her value, her strengths, and that she deserves so much better for herself. This led me to ask, why are we programmed the way that we are sometimes? Why do we put into our minds at a certain age that this man that is smiling with us, engaging us, looking at us like a meal on legs is THE ONE?! It is almost laughable when you think about it.
I have always felt that men get too much credit, and actually, the whole love thing isn't about them at all. Do not make yourself a prize for a man. Develop yourself because you deserve to nurture a secure, strong, beautiful self. So that when you meet a man, he should want to naturally strive to be your complement...as a dear friend of mine says "anything less would be uncivilized."
Also, I see the poor me archetype rearing it's nasty little head at me. Here is vintage poor me, why did this have to happen to me? I could do that, or I can pick myself up and say, ok, I made mistakes, I wanted and hoped that the fairytale could come true...but I was off the mark, but you know what, I shall pick myself up, keep believing in myself, nurturing myself, being my cheering squad, loving myself and moving right on. Now that makes sense.

What a dichotomy,it threw me for a loop for some time. But now I can write about it in the fullness of time. I had thought that I had met someone who might become something special, but little nudges kept cropping up that suggested that things were not right. What was interesting was that in every way, The Towers looked ideal for me. But the little things were the issues that kept cropping up. They kept nagging at me. So you can imagine, several weeks ago, he had sent me a note wanting to see me, and I never got it, instead I got a message from him the next day, less happy about what he wanted to experience. Naturally I did not know about the why, so I got a big lecture about his wanting to have more of my attention. I found the whole reveal surprising,but I took it as an opportunity to see how well we communicated, particularly if we were disagreeing about something. I actually took the time and proceeded to take a whole day out of my schedule and spent it with him. The next week,it seemed like the understanding was forgotten, and yet again, i felt like, straight questions met no sensible answers, and worst of all, I could fell easily that he just was not on the same wavelength with me. To me, it is normal to get an answer to a question, unless it is deeply personal or you don't know what to say...also, for someone who had spent so much time talking with me, seeming to be making overtures towards me, it all felt like so much work. There was an inking of passive/ aggressiveness, and it was not like I was expecting perfection, but equally, I certainly was not expecting that every time I felt that we were getting somewhere, I had to start again with simple things. I just had to let it go. I suggested friendship, but he told me that that would be too challenging. WTF! Then ok, we had two projects to do, we could just be colleagues. He agreed and then blew me off for our first meeting. It was then that I threw up my hands and called it a day. It baffled me, why pursue me so long, only to send mixed signals when we finally interacted? I may never know. What I do know, is that this is the best decision for me.

Is iit possible...

The kind of issues that I come across sometimes, I know that whatever I experience, I am not the first or the last. Yet sometimes, saying that does not matter. I established awhile back that three people kept engaging me. How big is my damn ego really? I thought that I was dealing with it, but it seemed to have metastercised. Is it possible (yes it is) to have a great deal of love for more than one person? I read recently that it is not possible, that somewhere, you are in one stage of love with one, perhaps agape...meanwhile in another with the other person.
I say, ok, that's one view, and I am not saying that I expect some sort of miraculous situation to fix itself because of this conundrum. It just is what it is at this time. It is a sum of many years, of standing guard with emotions that have been mutually felt. In some ways, it is beautiful, and I would say, ultimately, beautiful. But I also say, it is sad, heart wrenching, and not at all planned.
It is contradictory at best. But it is a blessing to know that you cannot die from so much love....so much love inside and around you.
So one turned into a hopeless disaster.
One, completely untouchable, and one actuality.

What!

My year seems to be teaching me some challenging things, and I am doing my best to be in a state of grace throughout because I suspect that my lesson is to maintain focus no matter what. I have been out of sorts Lately,feeling as though to much is coming my way. But I instantly think on frequent flyer, who was very down himself the other day and I sent him some uplifting information that really rejuvenated him, and today he sent me some wonderful news. A complete contrast to that day. I have let quite a bit of life knock me about. But as I adjust my vision, I see that there is much that still assists me in being who I am, and I meet myself as friend. I see myself as a fixer. I like solving problems. I appreciate looking at que's. I like to listen and feel out something. I enjoy looking at nature in every form. Walking brings me peace. I talk with people a lot, but I really try not to act like a know it all, but I can find myself holding forth sometimes. I like to challenge old ways of thinking, love reading and learning stuff. I love to find new things. Travel broadens my perspective. I am more optimistic than not.I can over think things at times. I am not quick to anger,and I try to give my anxieties, fear or discomforts observation enough to petter out, I feel very let down with myself when in the rare moments I have acted emotionally. This may mean that I like control, and in some ways, I do like to feel that there is order in my life. Success means less to me about people who have objects than it does about people who are living their lives in ways that show that they are content with themselves. I have seen both rich and poor with that facility to love what they have. I like to be around others who have developed themselves in a way where they have a rich amalgam of experiences. They have not only seen a great deal, but are curious about the future, very much in the world. I continue to like my own company. I am rarely bored. I am always thinking about possibilities. My child fills me with wonder. I am honored to be able to watch and mold her, while being fully aware that she is her own person. She is my child, but not my possession. I must hold her close when she needs it, but I must also let her go. I have lost at love and been challenged by it. It has confused me, made me act quite counter to some very longstanding beliefs, and I cannot look at it quite the same again. I now see it as punctuation to a larger whole. I do not know how else to put it. I am aware of the programming we are given in our world about what we should be doing and when, This is all well and good, but we also are much bigger than this construct.we choose these experiences and we can always do better, be stronger. I care about doing my best to be fair to others. I watch my words and my actions. I am sometimes spontaneous. Aim sometimes contradictory. I face doubt and fear and do what I can to transcend it. When you become my friend I treat it with care, perhaps more care than I have ever taken a romantic relationship. I have big goals for my work and my legacy. I spend too mcu time on things that keep me from taking more care of myself and I am doing something about it now. This is all I shall write tonight. I may continue this again at some point.

And now...on with the show

What the he'll do I really want? I was surprised the other day when I saw some writing that I did on my ideal man and realized that The Towers sounds exactly like the " ideal" that I listed. I am so frustrated with him! I got all spontaneous and spent a whole weekend with him, and we had a lovely time. Yet, now, a few days later I feel like I had Chinese food. I don't mean it to sound so bad! What I am trying to say is that I am having an experience with this person but trying to keep my head out of it. I am literally sort of being shallow because as I told him, he sends mixed signals. I do not know what to make of the whole thing. Sure I can play his game and call it nothing and just continue along this vague route, but to what end? How does something like this play out? Do I even want to play? What the hell is the point of such a thing anyway? Sure one can say, enjoy it now in the moment. I would like to be able to do that, but it makes me feel as though I'm being asked to be someone younger. Before him, I argued about my not seeming to want commitment. Now I am bitching about this situation. Sheesh! I may be the one at fault here. What messages am I sending as well?

I used to..

I created this blog with the intention of writing an online private diary. When I did it, I knew that it could be seen by the random viewer and I decided that in a way it was a compromise that I could live with. However, now I am finding myself hesitating to write my deepest feelings here and this bothers me. This is not what was supposed to happen here.I really need somewhere to acknowledge all of my insecurities, missteps, dirty little secrets and other neurosies. Now I feel like I have to pick and choose what I write because it may somehow compromise my anonymity, and that sucks big time. I want to experience and know all the facets of me, the good and the not so good. So I am going to try to move past this situation and keep to my initial intention, no matter what.

Some new opportunities are being presented to me. It means that I have to juggle things even more than usual, but this time around, I am being mindful to eat on time and also to find ways to get a few minutes for myself here and there. Three of the things shall begin in the next few weeks. This means making some schedules to be able to start them and then delegate things, because I cannot do it all by myself. Two of them are projects where I can involve students. The other one is a personal project that I have ventured to do many times before, but now seems as good a time as any to do it. I am very excited about all of this, as I make yet more plans for May and September. My main focus is asset building, as well as job creation. What has also been interesting is that today I was chatting with an old school friend and he got me to discuss yet another project of mine, an old one from many years ago, that I researched quite a bit, and then hit many snags and stopped. I have not forgotten that writing project. His making me discuss it got me very happy about it. I remembered all that I had done back then, and can see that the potential is still there. Later, as I visited the printery, the marketing rep asked me the name of my company....a nice sign! The nicest part of today has been knowing that I have these things happening and that I can see how they are to be done and the time is right to do them.

And so it goes...my very eventful week led to much introspection. I have been taking some things, like The Towers, too seriously. I do not have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. I am familiar with dealing with things a particular way, and because this is different, I want to move at my pace. So that is what I am going to do. Baroness Margaret Thatcher has died, and there is much news, as would be expected on all of the stations about the life she led as prime minister of Great Britain. She is a reminder that tough decisions will not engender you to all people. You have to make strong decisions because they must be made. This was what I was confronted with last week. I cannot think too far ahead, when things might get quieter or seem to be back to a routine. This was someone who factored in my life for so very long. There was always a period of separation and then one of return, but now, as they could not adjust in so many ways and became addicted and careless, and I must say that there was some indulgence on mg part, one has to just suck it up, put on the big girl panties and focus exclusively on what does work. I will state here though that I feel sad about the whole thing, because it did not have to be this way, but as I have accused myself in the past of taking too long to make a shift in perspective, this is what happened here. If only the changes could have stuck. But there was something unusual about the last face to face meeting, it seemed that deep down something about what was to come was known. In many ways, this really needed to happen. It reminds me of my own ling term relationship. Things are not working, and no amount of counseling will work when two people have altered their expectations and could easily be alone quite happily without the other person. But this is not my call. It is what can be seen at this present time. Despite my decision, I will always care about what happened and what it all means to me. But I have to also put it behind me.

Most recently an old friendship ended for me. In many ways it was sort of inevitable. He was painting himself into an untenable situation for some time. It stings to have to be part of the drama, but it is necessary, because there was no place to go. So how do I feel about nearly being a home wrecker? Naturally I have been made to feel that his behavior was because I led him astray and he was pushed and forced into resuming friendship. I have learned much from this experience, I saw a glimpse of the person who seemed so much more mature and level headed on one hand, but then was also weak and spineless on another. I do not state that lightly, because I can understand why the posture, and that is why I wrote, painted into a corner. There is little else to say.

Perhaps, too much time... Swirling around in my head of late, is the action of "the Towers" that I spoke about yesterday. I know that my concerns can be dealt with with a conversation, and we both deserve to have it as soon as possible. Yet, I am still stubbornly clinging to wanting to be right. Hmmmm, that is saying alot here. So as usual I want to look at something that gets me deeply embarrassed. One reason he challenges my expectations comes from the fact that the typical things that one hears and expects when a man is interested, do not seem to come tripping off of his tongue naturally, if at all. He does not dole out affection....he seems certainly sex focused, but foreplay...seems to be something unusual in his repertoire? Now I do not know enough of him really, but this is how it seems so far to me. should I gettison any chance at something here, just because I have certain expectations? When there is much that I do like about him? My instinct throws a hussy fit instantly and says to me, if you like him so much, then just be friends....you have a headache...lol. .......................................................... Should I let myself off the hook so easily? This is about my expecting a certain kind of attention. I expect to be ...well, courted as it were. Let me see the very best of you. Is this the best of him that I am seeing? Perhaps? But then, he is the first person with whom I have gone out, and I do not think about it again, until we speak. I don't wonder about his day? Or think about what I would like to do with him at some point in the future on another date. There, I wrote it. I also do not really think that he is feeling anything special for me. If he was, wouldn't he be making an effort to somehow want to engage my time? I don't know? It is confusing? He has asked me to meet, and we have met, and he has made overtures to sleep with me, but somehow, it all falls flat. I am probably sounding like some spoiled bitch right now, complaining because someone likes me, and I just want to be a whiner! I really don't. I want to understand what I am feeling? And I want to start on strong footing. Particularly after attracting two married men, to whom I have given much of my time in the past. I do not think that in either case, I have felt as I have because they are otherwise spoken for. In both cases, my history with them began with a deep, strong mutual attraction that has not abated, much to our mutual intrigue. So, no, it is simply my past expectations. There has always usually been a dance of strong mutual emotions that seem to singe the air. My ex-husband being the biggest zinger of all. What feelings! Waw! It was like a drug. Thank goodness that we had our work that took up the other part of our oxygen. Lol. It is nice to know that I remember that fondly. An older friend is trying to tell me that this is a much more mature situation, and that I am dealing with a different sort of relationship, where it is more steady and real. But to me, it seems like he's just set in his ways, expects things his way, a little selfish and never has had to take a look at himself really. So, yes, a convo is in order here, and I shall give the details when it happens.

Confound it!!

So, my week feels like I burnt my candle every which way and though exhausted, I am writing now. I am pleased despite how I feel, to have accomplished so much this week. However a few things are still on the front burner for me. How I shall work them out, shall take a bit of time. Meanwhile...I prefer to focus on my work than the tiny nagging voice that tells me that I am already a bit fed up with....sheesh, what was the nickname that I gave him again? I think it was the towers. He seems to genuinely think that appearing illusive and laid back is going to make me come forward and he cannot be more wrong. I am too busy, too focused and too jaded to consider that remotely appealing. I think that I have given it enough of my time. I don't know what else to say. His behavior just rubs me the wrong way. It just disappoints me. I do not feel the usual things that to me come naturally when a man is interested in me. He did brilliantly when we were in different countries, but now...he leaves much to be desired. I don't feel like he is trying to be more than my friend, although he has gone to the other extreme when he can corner me, he jumps all over me and I have to tell him to stop like if he's a child. This is so maddening. We may just simply not be meant for more than it has been these last two years. So I should just stop wondering about it.

The Pope and February 14th

The Pope's decision to step down has caused shock throughout the world. Today is Carnival Monday and as I got back from Jouvert, I heard the news on the radio and was also quite stunned. However, now that the information is out, we are left with a feeling of what next? What shall the procedure be? The church is one of the oldest continuous institutions and I am certain that this moment shall be handled in typical sage assurance by the powers within the church proper. ............... Meanwhile, I was giving thought to February 14th, and I am thinking that on that day I definitely want to treat myself. Be my Valentine.

My own wisdom

Over the last few months I have been helping two or three friends sort out emotional issues in their lives. A large part of the reason for doing so has been because they have sought me out and I recall in my life when having support was needed. For one friend in particular, I have been repeating for several months that she needs to know that she is not powerless in her situation....that she has her own life to look at, things to do for herself, and must not "give" her control of herself away to the person she is seeing as important. Now, I must use my own advice. Not that anyone is doing anything to me per say, but a silly email from my ex where he eluded to "not" being home when I replied to something he asked me about, sent my mind in a whirl....and the thing is, it is completely irrational. Why does this bother me? I answered that those simple words made me assume that he is having some great time with some woman he adores...meanwhile, I have not had any "I won't be home" messages to leave for him to make him wonder. Not that it is a tit for tat? Or is it? I feel stupid for feeling that, particularly when I had just told myself that whomesoever is meant to be in my life shall be better than anything I could expect...and leave it at that. Then my ego kicks in on auto pilot. It doesn't even try to be slick. I pounce on the meaning within his text and "my" real hopes, dreams and possible future reality is curtailed by old, outmoded thinking processes. I am no better than my friends who seek my council. I too fall into gaps where I waffle about my feelings. So I came here, to return to my own advice. What I set up for myself, the place of strength that I operate from IS ALWys better than any little weak moment of old thinking. What I choose to do is to be aware that the ego has raised it's head, observe it lightly and quickly advance my thinking toward what I do indeed want. Feel the achievement of really being in a loving place, happy with my choices, my work, myself. Feel how freeing that makes me in this actual moment. Then from that perspective, release that outmoded thought process, and actually thank it to, because to go back is to not grow into what I want to become. Why sabotage myself, and sabotage myself based on something that made me very unhappy at that. I wish him well, I care about him always and yes, I still do love him. But the point is, I love myself. I deserve to support my highest good.

There seems to be a fire within me of late. I find from some simple suggestion made in an article online, that I have taken to heart what I read. 1. Drink a glass of water when you wake up. Your body loses water while you sleep, so you’re naturally dehydrated in the morning. A glass of water when you wake helps start your day fresh. When do you drink your first glass of water each day? 2. Define your top 3. Every morning Mike asks himself, “What are the top three most important tasks that I will complete today?” He prioritizes his day accordingly and doesn’t sleep until the Top 3 are complete. What’s your "Top 3" today? 3. The 50/10 Rule. Solo-task and do more faster by working in 50/10 increments. Use a timer to work for 50 minutes on only one important task with 10 minute breaks in between. Mike spends his 10 minutes getting away from his desk, going outside, calling friends, meditating, or grabbing a glass of water. What’s your most important task for the next 50 minutes? These three short paragraphs have made a big impact. In the morning, having a glass of water makes me feel better. I also want to do my best to eat better than I already do. I have a goal in mind regarding my diet, and I am very curious to see how that shall go. I went to a wonderful boutique run by a Muslim lady with my neighbor, and there was a black dress with the tiniest straps on it. I kept looking at it, and eventually I decided to try it on. I have tried on slinky things before, but when I tried this dress on, my breathing accelerated. I have never reacted like that to myself in a dress before. When I showed them both how I looked in the dress, they freaked out as well. But I was not sure that I wanted to buy it. I already have a dress that I had thought at the time was sexy and slinky black, and I have never worn it anywhere, and I had bought it in. My second year of marriage. So although the dress was amazing on me, I felt, where would I wear such a thing. Naturally I was told that I would be a fool not to get it. When I got home, my mother reacted the same way that we all did. The dress is really amazing, and I have decided that for the very least, I need to take a photograph of myself in it. I am writing all of that to say that it is good to do these things, to feel confident about plans and to act from a place of certainty. It is wonderful to see yourself from a place of appreciation and know that you can see change for the better, and you are encouraged to keep moving forward to up the ante to do even more and more.

Lucky 13

Already I have started the year with some decisions made in strength and satisfaction. I have finally, finally jettisoned some dead weight. Thank god, at long last! The first one happened awhile ago,but I was able to establish where I stand after the funeral, and cement it last night. I could not believe that he had become so arrogant. He was completely out of control, not caring how he was coming across, and really flaunting whatever his agenda is. But guess what,I meant what I said, and that's that. I am not going back. Then frequent flyer, sheesh! He too has been blowing up all manner of technology when convenient to him, to send me inane notes. Then, providence was so kind to me, because yet again, without having to ask, I can see that FF is most comfortable in domestic life. So I do not know why he ever even bothered to tell me the crap he did about having patience and that he will make the time to really spend quality tome with me....as if I am some mistress or something? Thank god I never fell for even remotely considering any kind of intimacy there. I do not understand how he went from a really lovely friend to this asshole who acts as though he has some control and is separated when he clearly is not? Who is he trying to fool? I just do not get this? I never pursued that? He started all the flirting and promises. I could scream! So during his heart to heart convo with me, I looked him in the eyes and changed my mind right on the spot. I am not giving him another opportunity to blow smoke up my ass. He is back in the garage where he should have been parked years ago along with the other one. Now, there is a third satellite on the horizon. I have not discussed him because he was just as I stated, on the periphery. But something changed the dynamic, because unlike the two just mentioned, he is supposed to be single. So forgive my feminine stupidity, I actually did the worst Gorky deduction and thought, hey, he's single...so give him a chance, see whether it can possibly lead to something. Note to self....never say, let me see, give it a chance, he is a good guy...anything as shitty as that, ever again! I am not 12! Any pronouncement must be made on facts and good old fashioned summing up based on maturity. This new one, real FF, I forget now what I nicknamed him, and perhaps that is where part of the problem lies, I should not have to nickname anyone....anyway.... He seems to enjoy not answer a straightforward questions. He seems to think being mysterious is cool. Well two can play that crap game. Why waste time like that. When he finally says what he really means the question isn't even worth the time it took to get the answer! anyway...I will have to finish this later. I am exhausted.