Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Post, new year
Another year finds me hugging my little one just in case the fireworks get so loud that it becomes disorienting. The year has felt more than a little eventful, but I am grateful for all that I have learnt. Some of it came by easily, and some I am still learning what is to learnt. ALl in all, I give thanks for life, health, grace, honor, humour and above all else, love.
Another year finds me hugging my little one just in case the fireworks get so loud that it becomes disorienting. The year has felt more than a little eventful, but I am grateful for all that I have learnt. Some of it came by easily, and some I am still learning what is to learnt. ALl in all, I give thanks for life, health, grace, honor, humour and above all else, love.
Monday, December 14, 2009
When you see the world as it is, but insist on making it more like it could be, you matter.
…When you love the work you do and the people you do it with, you matter.
When you are so gracious and generous and aware that you think of other people before yourself, you matter.
When you leave the world a better place than you found it, you matter.
When you continue to raise the bar on what you do and how you do it, you matter.
When you teach and forgive and teach more before you rush to judge and demean, you matter.
When you touch the people in your life through your actions (and your words), you matter.
When kids grow up wanting to be you, you matter.
When you inspire a Nobel prize winner or a slum dweller, you matter.
When the room brightens when you walk in, you matter.
And when the legacy you leave behind lasts for hours, days or a lifetime, you matter…
— Seth Godin
…When you love the work you do and the people you do it with, you matter.
When you are so gracious and generous and aware that you think of other people before yourself, you matter.
When you leave the world a better place than you found it, you matter.
When you continue to raise the bar on what you do and how you do it, you matter.
When you teach and forgive and teach more before you rush to judge and demean, you matter.
When you touch the people in your life through your actions (and your words), you matter.
When kids grow up wanting to be you, you matter.
When you inspire a Nobel prize winner or a slum dweller, you matter.
When the room brightens when you walk in, you matter.
And when the legacy you leave behind lasts for hours, days or a lifetime, you matter…
— Seth Godin
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I found a lovely poem on a blog.
Sisterhood.
Created by friendsforever909
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don 't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there,
no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself
the women in your lifewill be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you,
pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the
valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...
Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers,
aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.......
Sisterhood.
Created by friendsforever909
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don 't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there,
no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself
the women in your lifewill be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you,
pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the
valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...
Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers,
aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.......
Sunday, November 29, 2009
DARE 2 B happy
I just had to play a bit with that title. I cannot remember when last I went out somewhere to have fun? As I write, the neighbour is having a wedding, and the music is of course, loud and festive. Today is also my dad's birthday, so there is the element of end of year, birthdays and celebrations, and of course, one must think about what is to come.
I thought about the title from looking at some trash television, something that I have not done for many, many months. There is nothing like television to push you into an area of nicely packaged semi-reality.
There are birthday parties to plan,and even simple moments to remember as joyous. The point is to get to it.
I found this great article on happiness yesterday, and that reminds me as well about getting out of the bad habit of stultifying sameness.
I am guilty of having one or two things that is going on with me,dominate my reality. I think for the rest of the year I must consciously work on doing better.
I thought about the title from looking at some trash television, something that I have not done for many, many months. There is nothing like television to push you into an area of nicely packaged semi-reality.
There are birthday parties to plan,and even simple moments to remember as joyous. The point is to get to it.
I found this great article on happiness yesterday, and that reminds me as well about getting out of the bad habit of stultifying sameness.
I am guilty of having one or two things that is going on with me,dominate my reality. I think for the rest of the year I must consciously work on doing better.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
More cohesive than others
I have decided that I shall take full advantage of the moments when I feel optimistic. Those moments feel as though I am invincible. I feel that every idea can be accomplished and every stumbling block in my way is but a pebble.
I like feeling this way, and I think that I have longer periods of optimism than not. However, I am not fully there, and I am not certain that anyone ever gets there other than Buddhist monks and Sufi clerics. But it doesn't hurt to try.
The confidence that I feel today is one where I see a great deal of my work complete, I feel that I am definately moving towards the direction I need to go to move on with my life, and I even feel that I can solve the more immediate issues that I dealt with this week.
I have decided that I shall take full advantage of the moments when I feel optimistic. Those moments feel as though I am invincible. I feel that every idea can be accomplished and every stumbling block in my way is but a pebble.
I like feeling this way, and I think that I have longer periods of optimism than not. However, I am not fully there, and I am not certain that anyone ever gets there other than Buddhist monks and Sufi clerics. But it doesn't hurt to try.
The confidence that I feel today is one where I see a great deal of my work complete, I feel that I am definately moving towards the direction I need to go to move on with my life, and I even feel that I can solve the more immediate issues that I dealt with this week.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
What a week, my little one was ill and in hospital, and I had a number of issues to deal with. Of late I have been asking at every situation that I come across, tell me what I am to learn. This new habit has made circumstances easier for me.
In the next week, I want to get the things that I have been planning, accomplished, or at least started.
I have not been one hundred percent myself. But that is expected because I have been dealing with my little one.
In the next week, I want to get the things that I have been planning, accomplished, or at least started.
I have not been one hundred percent myself. But that is expected because I have been dealing with my little one.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Realisation
There is nothing like coming to an understanding about some things in your life. The funny thing is that they are not particularly remarkable. They are sometimes truisms that you have heard for many years. But when you finally GET it, it is serendipitous.
For me, it is the decision last week to literally say in my mind that 'I am starting over,' doing this, I now find myself able to embrace my decisions like never before.
Why this is different than before, is in the way that I am thinking. I am not making decisions based on what I think I shall like. I am great at making long lists of things that I need to do. But this time, what I am feeling is a sense of myself as the maker of these decisions with the intention of moving forward with my child.
What is wonderful too, is the assurance and confidence I feel about this.
In the past I have been unsure about which direction to take. But now, I say to myself, whatever you do not know, get expert advice, but it it ultimately MY decision to make. That makes me feel very positive for a change.
This is a big deal for me, because at one point in my life I was afraid to make the wrong decision and I let other people's opinion overshadow my own.
I always thought that I was simply agreeing with their opinion, and found that opinion sound, but really I was giving up some of my responsibility and my view, bit by bit. I can see this now, and I am not going back in that direction again.
There is nothing like coming to an understanding about some things in your life. The funny thing is that they are not particularly remarkable. They are sometimes truisms that you have heard for many years. But when you finally GET it, it is serendipitous.
For me, it is the decision last week to literally say in my mind that 'I am starting over,' doing this, I now find myself able to embrace my decisions like never before.
Why this is different than before, is in the way that I am thinking. I am not making decisions based on what I think I shall like. I am great at making long lists of things that I need to do. But this time, what I am feeling is a sense of myself as the maker of these decisions with the intention of moving forward with my child.
What is wonderful too, is the assurance and confidence I feel about this.
In the past I have been unsure about which direction to take. But now, I say to myself, whatever you do not know, get expert advice, but it it ultimately MY decision to make. That makes me feel very positive for a change.
This is a big deal for me, because at one point in my life I was afraid to make the wrong decision and I let other people's opinion overshadow my own.
I always thought that I was simply agreeing with their opinion, and found that opinion sound, but really I was giving up some of my responsibility and my view, bit by bit. I can see this now, and I am not going back in that direction again.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
My latest work
In the next few weeks I shall be making much bigger stuff than I ever have before and that is very exciting. Also my mother shall be out of the country,so my aunt and I want to use that time to get rid of a great deal of crap that she has had clogging up all of the rooms of the house. This is not something that I would usually want to talk about, far less write about, but I want to do so here because it is a big deal to do this. My mother has been complaining about the house like a stuck record.So, now that she shall be away for two weeks, we have the opportunity to do the things that she should be doing but will not do.
On a brighter note, and pertaining to me, my work has me very jazzed to see something made from scratch. I have no idea how I am going to get some of it actually made in the areas I have planned, but I am more interested in getting them done. I see it as at least a dress rehearsal for even bigger opportunities in the future. The good planning of this project can make it a yearly activity. It has the scope of being something that can help people, and that is always a great thing.
In the next few weeks I shall be making much bigger stuff than I ever have before and that is very exciting. Also my mother shall be out of the country,so my aunt and I want to use that time to get rid of a great deal of crap that she has had clogging up all of the rooms of the house. This is not something that I would usually want to talk about, far less write about, but I want to do so here because it is a big deal to do this. My mother has been complaining about the house like a stuck record.So, now that she shall be away for two weeks, we have the opportunity to do the things that she should be doing but will not do.
On a brighter note, and pertaining to me, my work has me very jazzed to see something made from scratch. I have no idea how I am going to get some of it actually made in the areas I have planned, but I am more interested in getting them done. I see it as at least a dress rehearsal for even bigger opportunities in the future. The good planning of this project can make it a yearly activity. It has the scope of being something that can help people, and that is always a great thing.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Expected results
It could not have been better planned. My cousin wrote me a very disgruntled email about his book. He assumed that I had no intention of doing it. So his letter was filled with disappointment. Little did he know that not only was it finished, he would get it the very next day!
I loved springing this surprise on him! It went way better than I could have planned it.
When he called me he was over the moon, extatic! He told me it made him cry. He was so moved by every single page. He kept looking at it, wondering whether I might have left out anything he would like to add, and he could find nothing.
Then to add to the wonderful mood of the whole thing, my little one kept looking at the book herself, that she kept pressing the keypad of this computer to see the book back and front. She then told me that,and I quote, "found the book very beautiful."
Now that's a great endorcement if I ever heard one.
One one more note, she finally gor the hang of going to the potty. So that was the big surprise for my mother's birthday!
Smiles abound.
It could not have been better planned. My cousin wrote me a very disgruntled email about his book. He assumed that I had no intention of doing it. So his letter was filled with disappointment. Little did he know that not only was it finished, he would get it the very next day!
I loved springing this surprise on him! It went way better than I could have planned it.
When he called me he was over the moon, extatic! He told me it made him cry. He was so moved by every single page. He kept looking at it, wondering whether I might have left out anything he would like to add, and he could find nothing.
Then to add to the wonderful mood of the whole thing, my little one kept looking at the book herself, that she kept pressing the keypad of this computer to see the book back and front. She then told me that,and I quote, "found the book very beautiful."
Now that's a great endorcement if I ever heard one.
One one more note, she finally gor the hang of going to the potty. So that was the big surprise for my mother's birthday!
Smiles abound.
Monday, September 21, 2009
The book that I was working on is finally finished. I only need to give it a last look and add some things that I may include because they will create greater interest of the page. This project took from the end of my show to today, which also happens to be Eid-ul-Fitr and a holiday.
After this work is posted off, I need to turn my attention to my embroidery pieces that need to be shipped to London for a show there.
Then there is the large installation piece that I must do for November.
I love all of this creative activity. The book has actually also encouraged me to look at some older work that I have shelved some time ago. But I shall not focus too much on them until the bigger projects are well and on their way in terms of finish, In other words, those books shall be worked on in my leisure time.
After this work is posted off, I need to turn my attention to my embroidery pieces that need to be shipped to London for a show there.
Then there is the large installation piece that I must do for November.
I love all of this creative activity. The book has actually also encouraged me to look at some older work that I have shelved some time ago. But I shall not focus too much on them until the bigger projects are well and on their way in terms of finish, In other words, those books shall be worked on in my leisure time.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The latest with me...
Gosh, ever since I finished my show I have continued to work. I am very happy with what I am doing. As I work, my focus becomes more and more pronounced. So much has happened, and I wish that I could write it here. But this really isn't the place for once. Let me just state that I have a new consciousness regarding what I want to do and where I want to go. I have finally been able to be much, much more concentrated in my thinking. My focus has become more laser sharp. I now ask for what I want right away. There is absolutely nothing to compare to getting clear.
How did it happened? Through a series of mystical events. Sounds really provocative...and it is. This makes me laugh,because I know that when I read this back later, I am going to know that I teased myself.
Hilarious.
I shall have many fabulous things to report very, very soon.
Gosh, ever since I finished my show I have continued to work. I am very happy with what I am doing. As I work, my focus becomes more and more pronounced. So much has happened, and I wish that I could write it here. But this really isn't the place for once. Let me just state that I have a new consciousness regarding what I want to do and where I want to go. I have finally been able to be much, much more concentrated in my thinking. My focus has become more laser sharp. I now ask for what I want right away. There is absolutely nothing to compare to getting clear.
How did it happened? Through a series of mystical events. Sounds really provocative...and it is. This makes me laugh,because I know that when I read this back later, I am going to know that I teased myself.
Hilarious.
I shall have many fabulous things to report very, very soon.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Of late I have been taking a look at the idea of a legacy. Having a three year old, I definitely want her to inherit the best of her parents, and to temper the worst. But apart from that, I want her to inherit a fantastic body of work of mine that shall increase in value.
There is a particular piece that I am planning to make wearable. I have finally gotten off the fence about it. It is a piece that I have spent many, many years on.
I shall feel really fulfilled to pass this item on to her. I know that it shall be a talking point long after my ashes have blown away.
I feel very humbled and choked up talking about myself as someone already passed.But pass, I shall, and because I know this, I must truly endeavour to live the best quality life I can every day.
There is a particular piece that I am planning to make wearable. I have finally gotten off the fence about it. It is a piece that I have spent many, many years on.
I shall feel really fulfilled to pass this item on to her. I know that it shall be a talking point long after my ashes have blown away.
I feel very humbled and choked up talking about myself as someone already passed.But pass, I shall, and because I know this, I must truly endeavour to live the best quality life I can every day.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
New, new beginnings
Today I did some startling things. I de-activated two sites that I have online. It was suggested to me that I stop a writing site that I had become a bit fond of. This had happened because I thought that it was of value. I was not wrong about this, but I was diluting my own value by doing it. What I mean by that is that I had promised myself that I would focus on my own work, and this was one of many distractions.
I see now that I deliberately do this. I have it worked out so well that I can convince myself that doing this is ok. I can juggle nine balls in the air.
But even if this is completely true, at the end of the day, I still do not satisfy what I intend ultimately.
There is a whole body of really strong work that I have in books that I cannot work on because the next idea takes small bits of my time.
I didn't see this.
I was too busy thinking that all the other things were important too. They also disguised themselves as such.
This was not easy to do.
To admit that I was not as important as I felt I was.
This makes me laugh now.
Laugh out loud.
With all the things online, what I was ending up doing was spreading myself even thinner and thinner with more and more useless shit!
But even worse, thinking that they all mattered.
This sort of all or nothing is new for me.
But for now....it rocks!
Today I did some startling things. I de-activated two sites that I have online. It was suggested to me that I stop a writing site that I had become a bit fond of. This had happened because I thought that it was of value. I was not wrong about this, but I was diluting my own value by doing it. What I mean by that is that I had promised myself that I would focus on my own work, and this was one of many distractions.
I see now that I deliberately do this. I have it worked out so well that I can convince myself that doing this is ok. I can juggle nine balls in the air.
But even if this is completely true, at the end of the day, I still do not satisfy what I intend ultimately.
There is a whole body of really strong work that I have in books that I cannot work on because the next idea takes small bits of my time.
I didn't see this.
I was too busy thinking that all the other things were important too. They also disguised themselves as such.
This was not easy to do.
To admit that I was not as important as I felt I was.
This makes me laugh now.
Laugh out loud.
With all the things online, what I was ending up doing was spreading myself even thinner and thinner with more and more useless shit!
But even worse, thinking that they all mattered.
This sort of all or nothing is new for me.
But for now....it rocks!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
the latest with me
I am a good tired, from hanging my show that is on tomorrow. The weather was rainy today and yesterday, and if I were to go on that, I would have felt that it could not happen. But I pushed, and I am glad that I did. One of the surprises for me was that I had had the intention of doing so very much more. Now that I look at the space, there was no way that I was going to be able to do all that I had set out to do. But moreso, all of the plans now seem excessive. They may never need to be done.
I learnt a great deal from the effort that I out forward for my work.
There was supposed to be a slew of help and then it came down to a skeleton crew. I just got what I had to get, done. It was just that simple.
You could freeze or you could say, ok, AND...I chose and.
I am a good tired, from hanging my show that is on tomorrow. The weather was rainy today and yesterday, and if I were to go on that, I would have felt that it could not happen. But I pushed, and I am glad that I did. One of the surprises for me was that I had had the intention of doing so very much more. Now that I look at the space, there was no way that I was going to be able to do all that I had set out to do. But moreso, all of the plans now seem excessive. They may never need to be done.
I learnt a great deal from the effort that I out forward for my work.
There was supposed to be a slew of help and then it came down to a skeleton crew. I just got what I had to get, done. It was just that simple.
You could freeze or you could say, ok, AND...I chose and.
Monday, August 17, 2009
In a few days I shall be having a show of some work that I have been doing for quite some time. I am very pleased that this work shall also be going abroad. I had taken many years on several aspects of this theme, and none of it has been seen.
So for me, this is a bit emotional too. It has taken so long, much research, effort, change and considerable thought and sketching things over and over and buying materials that I am yet to use in some instances.
In a way, one cannot have work going for years and not go through all that I have. I am just marvelling at the journey to where I am now.
So for me, this is a bit emotional too. It has taken so long, much research, effort, change and considerable thought and sketching things over and over and buying materials that I am yet to use in some instances.
In a way, one cannot have work going for years and not go through all that I have. I am just marvelling at the journey to where I am now.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
contemplating contemplation...
So much is going on with me. I don't even know where to begin, but as the march hare said in Alice, start at the beginning.
It was recently suggested to me to stop a project that I have been working on for two years, and have seen grow and have grown fond of. The suggestion is quite sound. The person thinks that I must halt anything where I do not focus on my own work.
There is a lot of intelligence in the statement.
It is just hard to let go.
If I were watching this from the eyes of someone else, I would see this so very well.
I will return to this again and again until I catch my stride.
So much is going on with me. I don't even know where to begin, but as the march hare said in Alice, start at the beginning.
It was recently suggested to me to stop a project that I have been working on for two years, and have seen grow and have grown fond of. The suggestion is quite sound. The person thinks that I must halt anything where I do not focus on my own work.
There is a lot of intelligence in the statement.
It is just hard to let go.
If I were watching this from the eyes of someone else, I would see this so very well.
I will return to this again and again until I catch my stride.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
More from my Saturday Lime...
One of my friends was discussing another friend of ours who was not present. She had been helping him with his work, and she was at her wits end with him.
He is prolific in his field, but he is also very stubborn and proud, and neither is doing him any good.
As I listened to her talk about what he needed to do to get his work in gear, I realised that her comments could certainly apply to me.
What was I doing for my career?
Did I have the presence that I should?
What could I do to alleviate that?
Sometimes you think that you are doing so much, but you are not really doing enough, or your not really doing what you should.
This has been a very good week for me in terms of messages. I have received alot and with all of the things that have come to me to think about, I feel confident that I can move forward.
One of my friends was discussing another friend of ours who was not present. She had been helping him with his work, and she was at her wits end with him.
He is prolific in his field, but he is also very stubborn and proud, and neither is doing him any good.
As I listened to her talk about what he needed to do to get his work in gear, I realised that her comments could certainly apply to me.
What was I doing for my career?
Did I have the presence that I should?
What could I do to alleviate that?
Sometimes you think that you are doing so much, but you are not really doing enough, or your not really doing what you should.
This has been a very good week for me in terms of messages. I have received alot and with all of the things that have come to me to think about, I feel confident that I can move forward.
After many months, finally, some friends of mine and I met yesterday. We had a wonderful evening, and I learnt a great deal from the experience.
One of my friends had a potentially life threatening illness, and as she spoke to us about the diagnosis of what she went through (she was in the hospital for two weeks and she had to have tests and surgery)what was remarkable about what she went through was her attitude about it.
Usually when someone I know has gone through illness, after the fact, they are still angry or afraid. In my friend I saw neither attitude. I saw gratitude.
She spoke about the situation being a remarkable experience. She embraced her circumstances in a way that suggested to me that she had accepted the diagnosis and put her hands fully into the hands of her doctors,people who were pleasant and supportive. Her job and her boss were completely understanding. Her friends flocked around her, her child and his wife were present. She felt completely loved and supported.
I sat back, listening to my friend, and I was deeply moved.
I wanted to take away some of that attitude and see it replacing some of the feelings in my own life.
My other friend then shared a situation that she had gone through. She had been supportive of her secretary who is pregnant, and as the girl goes off on maternity leave, she received a present of thank you.
My friend is always being helpful and thoughtful, and many times she is shafted for this trait. But recently, she has been receiving undiluted respect and support for her efforts.
This too made me see the possibilities of life.
I thanked them both, as their messages came to me loud and clear.
One of my friends had a potentially life threatening illness, and as she spoke to us about the diagnosis of what she went through (she was in the hospital for two weeks and she had to have tests and surgery)what was remarkable about what she went through was her attitude about it.
Usually when someone I know has gone through illness, after the fact, they are still angry or afraid. In my friend I saw neither attitude. I saw gratitude.
She spoke about the situation being a remarkable experience. She embraced her circumstances in a way that suggested to me that she had accepted the diagnosis and put her hands fully into the hands of her doctors,people who were pleasant and supportive. Her job and her boss were completely understanding. Her friends flocked around her, her child and his wife were present. She felt completely loved and supported.
I sat back, listening to my friend, and I was deeply moved.
I wanted to take away some of that attitude and see it replacing some of the feelings in my own life.
My other friend then shared a situation that she had gone through. She had been supportive of her secretary who is pregnant, and as the girl goes off on maternity leave, she received a present of thank you.
My friend is always being helpful and thoughtful, and many times she is shafted for this trait. But recently, she has been receiving undiluted respect and support for her efforts.
This too made me see the possibilities of life.
I thanked them both, as their messages came to me loud and clear.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sometimes what you ask, is not the question...
It sounds convoluted, but today felt like such a day for me. It was another court date,and I felt that my time was being wasted. I was so upset that something changed in me. The level of impatience and disregard for the entire situation came to the fore. It was good that I was not required to speak, because I would have had some choice words and stormed out. I am upset because the matter is still going on, when I had hoped that it would have ended today.
I however have decided that it has ended for me. Although it has not, mentally, I am now looking at ways that My life can go on without this nonesense looming over my head!
It sounds convoluted, but today felt like such a day for me. It was another court date,and I felt that my time was being wasted. I was so upset that something changed in me. The level of impatience and disregard for the entire situation came to the fore. It was good that I was not required to speak, because I would have had some choice words and stormed out. I am upset because the matter is still going on, when I had hoped that it would have ended today.
I however have decided that it has ended for me. Although it has not, mentally, I am now looking at ways that My life can go on without this nonesense looming over my head!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
now what...
Pushing myself to actually make a big decision about my finances yesterday has naturally led to me wanting to do so with other things in my life. I am now chomping at the bit, saying to myself, what next?
I have a body of work to finish, and I am about a third of the way through. With consistant work through August, I should be able to finish and photograph what I have done as a complete body of work.
I also have two sets of experimental things to do.
But that work is never a now what premise,what I need ask of myself is what do I do next in terms of my plans over the next few months.
There is a relatively urgent need to travel. I have made very clear that the next time that I do so, I want to have the little one with me. There is also a really big trip that I have to be clear about one way or the other. Last night I found myself imagining being their with my little darling. I could see her being very mature, and at school, learning Italian or French.
What has to happen with these travel plans is financial certainty. That is always at the crux of most things, and these plans in particular.
I have to send out some paper work to certain bodies about one aspect of these plans. The other is also one where funding from outside is a high possibility because it entails education. So those issues are what I need to be focusing on next, and quickly.
Pushing myself to actually make a big decision about my finances yesterday has naturally led to me wanting to do so with other things in my life. I am now chomping at the bit, saying to myself, what next?
I have a body of work to finish, and I am about a third of the way through. With consistant work through August, I should be able to finish and photograph what I have done as a complete body of work.
I also have two sets of experimental things to do.
But that work is never a now what premise,what I need ask of myself is what do I do next in terms of my plans over the next few months.
There is a relatively urgent need to travel. I have made very clear that the next time that I do so, I want to have the little one with me. There is also a really big trip that I have to be clear about one way or the other. Last night I found myself imagining being their with my little darling. I could see her being very mature, and at school, learning Italian or French.
What has to happen with these travel plans is financial certainty. That is always at the crux of most things, and these plans in particular.
I have to send out some paper work to certain bodies about one aspect of these plans. The other is also one where funding from outside is a high possibility because it entails education. So those issues are what I need to be focusing on next, and quickly.
Friday, July 17, 2009
morning muses
My little one and I are both up at an ungodly early hour this morning. I've put on a dvd for her and my computer for me, and we are cuddled up in our quilts and mutually absorbed. In other words, a perfect start to any given day.
I've already had my coffee and little one has been fortified with her milk drink.
At this time in the morning, it is difficult to not be influenced by the quiet of the house, to feel that anything can be solved, and that life is as simple as you make it.
This week, I have given a great deal of thought to my next moves. My desire to put my finances in order in a way where I can eventually live off of my investments and travel, secure my child's' financial future and have a place of my own. All at once, the tasks sound daunting, and that is why I shall take everything one step at a time, as only one can.
A year no longer feels like a long time. But one of the best things about being alive today is that my age does not deter me, as it may have in a past decade. I suppose that this also has a great deal to do with health and with opportunity.
A simple shift in perspective can do wonders. A shift from thinking negatively to optimistically for example.
My little one and I are both up at an ungodly early hour this morning. I've put on a dvd for her and my computer for me, and we are cuddled up in our quilts and mutually absorbed. In other words, a perfect start to any given day.
I've already had my coffee and little one has been fortified with her milk drink.
At this time in the morning, it is difficult to not be influenced by the quiet of the house, to feel that anything can be solved, and that life is as simple as you make it.
This week, I have given a great deal of thought to my next moves. My desire to put my finances in order in a way where I can eventually live off of my investments and travel, secure my child's' financial future and have a place of my own. All at once, the tasks sound daunting, and that is why I shall take everything one step at a time, as only one can.
A year no longer feels like a long time. But one of the best things about being alive today is that my age does not deter me, as it may have in a past decade. I suppose that this also has a great deal to do with health and with opportunity.
A simple shift in perspective can do wonders. A shift from thinking negatively to optimistically for example.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
At the moment I am listening to a song my Michael Jackson called Heavan can Wait. It is absolutely beautiful! I have to say that in death, Mr.Jackson has blown me away again. Listening to his memorial yesterday, (which the entire world watched by the way)was awe inspireing. He made me feel as though I have been lying down on my god given talents. What he managed to accomplish in his life is dizzying!
He has left me contemplating his life, his death and his legacy.
He has left me contemplating his life, his death and his legacy.
Monday, July 6, 2009
new realisations
Today is my birthday. I had a quiet day and lots of people wished me well, and that was nice. But one person did not do anything, and this is the second year that he has done this. It makes it quite clear that things are over. But I still feel sad about it.
When am I going to get over it, as he told me I must? Why do I still care? It has been a long time, and yet, deep inside, I have not been able to lock off my heart. Is this pathetic? Probably, because what do I wish could happen?
There is no suggestion that things will ever be the same again, although I do not want them to be the same again anyway. I would want something much, much better.
Friends say that a new relationship shall negate the old. There is some truth there I am sure. But what of the fact that new relationships are not just falling in my lap.
I am very mindful of not sounding sorry for myself here, because I don't want to feel that way, and I don't think that it is about that either.
I am also listening, to understand exactly what I think I am feeling, or wanting.
Yes, I miss someone whom I have loved for two decades. I just do, and I suppose that I must allow myself to accept that I shall feel this way until I do not feel this way. Even if I may feel this way for the rest of my life...I won't explode for it. I will feel it, and sometimes it may be a dull ache, and other times I may even smile, I gather.It is just what is.
Today is my birthday. I had a quiet day and lots of people wished me well, and that was nice. But one person did not do anything, and this is the second year that he has done this. It makes it quite clear that things are over. But I still feel sad about it.
When am I going to get over it, as he told me I must? Why do I still care? It has been a long time, and yet, deep inside, I have not been able to lock off my heart. Is this pathetic? Probably, because what do I wish could happen?
There is no suggestion that things will ever be the same again, although I do not want them to be the same again anyway. I would want something much, much better.
Friends say that a new relationship shall negate the old. There is some truth there I am sure. But what of the fact that new relationships are not just falling in my lap.
I am very mindful of not sounding sorry for myself here, because I don't want to feel that way, and I don't think that it is about that either.
I am also listening, to understand exactly what I think I am feeling, or wanting.
Yes, I miss someone whom I have loved for two decades. I just do, and I suppose that I must allow myself to accept that I shall feel this way until I do not feel this way. Even if I may feel this way for the rest of my life...I won't explode for it. I will feel it, and sometimes it may be a dull ache, and other times I may even smile, I gather.It is just what is.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
reflections
The death of Michael Jackson is something that can be learnt from. I know that we have all possibly felt one of three emotions, disbelief, dismay and awareness of the scope of the man's work and reach. For some it may all seem like much to do about nothing. He was not on the charts in the way that he was in the 70's, 80's and 90's. But for most of us in the world, he represented a standard of perfection, that sometimes could not be looked at. I know for me, that his physical transformation bothered the hell out of me. I wondered how much further could he go, and whether he could reverse all of it after a time?
The child molestation cases did not help his image either, and I fought hard to understand whether he was guilty or innocent of those charges. Yet, amidst all of the ambiguity, his talent was unparallelled.
Michael Jackson impacted my life in an unexpected way, as impacts usually do. When his album Thriller came out, I remember being blown away by it. Like everyone else in the world. But what he did for me, was that he made me sit bolt upright and look at the media machine critically for the first time. He made me question the validity of art and he made me question the power of the god image.
It may be hard for some people to grasp the power and extent of this one album. I had never seen anything like it in my life. He had impacted the entire world. Little children and old people knew who he was. People have to understand that this was phenomenal! Then to top it all, he had this dancing style that just cemented the voice.
He had to be stopped.
He had to come down from that euphoria, that pulpit of ultimate power.
Familiar theme here, isn’t it?
It was almost obscene that one person could make such a gigantic impression on the entire planet. People talked about him in superlatives. I know that we see many singers and famous people today who we can say are great, and there is mania for them. But Michael Jackson was the first, the ultimate master of the media.
He did a music video and people raced home to set their VCR's. They sat around the television with their families and were spellbound by him. This was everybody in the family. Mom, Dad, grandma, grandpa and kids all screaming in the same excited way for one black man doing the moonwalk in celluloid.
I keep thinking that discussing him, listening for his music, checking out his dancing on U-tube, reading more and more, is just not healthy. The man is gone. He's out of our lives.
But then I think that someone so colossal, must be mourned. We cannot help but feel what we feel. Michael Jackson changed the world.
He changed the way we see ourselves. He showed us what is possible, so yes, he was god-like in that respect.
The awkwardness of this certainty comes about because it is rare. It is shocking to see that he was mortal. It is upsetting that we can no longer touch him and be moved by something new that he would do.
The mania is real, and we are all complicit in it, and again, he makes me look at the media machine, but this time, what he is telling us is, “feed yourself. Be the media machine. I am gone, and you have it in you, if you just move yourself.”
Shamon….
The child molestation cases did not help his image either, and I fought hard to understand whether he was guilty or innocent of those charges. Yet, amidst all of the ambiguity, his talent was unparallelled.
Michael Jackson impacted my life in an unexpected way, as impacts usually do. When his album Thriller came out, I remember being blown away by it. Like everyone else in the world. But what he did for me, was that he made me sit bolt upright and look at the media machine critically for the first time. He made me question the validity of art and he made me question the power of the god image.
It may be hard for some people to grasp the power and extent of this one album. I had never seen anything like it in my life. He had impacted the entire world. Little children and old people knew who he was. People have to understand that this was phenomenal! Then to top it all, he had this dancing style that just cemented the voice.
He had to be stopped.
He had to come down from that euphoria, that pulpit of ultimate power.
Familiar theme here, isn’t it?
It was almost obscene that one person could make such a gigantic impression on the entire planet. People talked about him in superlatives. I know that we see many singers and famous people today who we can say are great, and there is mania for them. But Michael Jackson was the first, the ultimate master of the media.
He did a music video and people raced home to set their VCR's. They sat around the television with their families and were spellbound by him. This was everybody in the family. Mom, Dad, grandma, grandpa and kids all screaming in the same excited way for one black man doing the moonwalk in celluloid.
I keep thinking that discussing him, listening for his music, checking out his dancing on U-tube, reading more and more, is just not healthy. The man is gone. He's out of our lives.
But then I think that someone so colossal, must be mourned. We cannot help but feel what we feel. Michael Jackson changed the world.
He changed the way we see ourselves. He showed us what is possible, so yes, he was god-like in that respect.
The awkwardness of this certainty comes about because it is rare. It is shocking to see that he was mortal. It is upsetting that we can no longer touch him and be moved by something new that he would do.
The mania is real, and we are all complicit in it, and again, he makes me look at the media machine, but this time, what he is telling us is, “feed yourself. Be the media machine. I am gone, and you have it in you, if you just move yourself.”
Shamon….
Thursday, June 25, 2009
new thoughts on old things
When the documentary "The Secret' came out, I got it on DVD and I looked at it a few times. I eventually made notes of the most important things said, and did my best to take it to heart.
But of course there is nothing like life to knock your carefully planned thoughts into both overdrive and doubt.
With all that has been going on, I took a moment today to ask myself, where is everything that is going on forcing me to focus? The answer was quite simple and clear, the worse things feel and get, the more the focus on them becomes apparent. Even the most well intentioned person may not be able to look past the reality of the negative when it feels so very painful. It is made worse when I look at my aunt, a strong, lovely person, who has just lost her house, through no fault of her own.
She wonders what lesson she must learn now? Why has this happened and when, if ever, will she ever feel safe again! Just looking at her go through that, breaks my heart. I can only look on. There is only so much that I can say or do to make her feel better. I cannot make her feel better. I can only try to be there for her.
It is within all of this that the decision to think in a counter measure came to mind. I must focus on what is better, how to be and do better. The answer was confirmed by my little one who helped with this,as yesterday, amidst arguing about some petty issue, she sat in her tub and enjoyed her bubble bath.
A reminder to what really matters.
I hugged her and thanked her for reminding me. She does it all the time, and I love her for it.
When the documentary "The Secret' came out, I got it on DVD and I looked at it a few times. I eventually made notes of the most important things said, and did my best to take it to heart.
But of course there is nothing like life to knock your carefully planned thoughts into both overdrive and doubt.
With all that has been going on, I took a moment today to ask myself, where is everything that is going on forcing me to focus? The answer was quite simple and clear, the worse things feel and get, the more the focus on them becomes apparent. Even the most well intentioned person may not be able to look past the reality of the negative when it feels so very painful. It is made worse when I look at my aunt, a strong, lovely person, who has just lost her house, through no fault of her own.
She wonders what lesson she must learn now? Why has this happened and when, if ever, will she ever feel safe again! Just looking at her go through that, breaks my heart. I can only look on. There is only so much that I can say or do to make her feel better. I cannot make her feel better. I can only try to be there for her.
It is within all of this that the decision to think in a counter measure came to mind. I must focus on what is better, how to be and do better. The answer was confirmed by my little one who helped with this,as yesterday, amidst arguing about some petty issue, she sat in her tub and enjoyed her bubble bath.
A reminder to what really matters.
I hugged her and thanked her for reminding me. She does it all the time, and I love her for it.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
stresses and strains
A few days ago I literally blew up at my closest friend. He was trying to cheer me up, but what he was saying had the opposite effect. When we hung up from Yahoo chat, I had to understand why I had been so uncharacteristically mean.
It was hard to see why. My family and I have gone through a number of strains and stresses that have definitely felt traumatizing. The need to scream, cry, feel anxiety and despair has been acute. Getting up every day and feeling good has been an effort, because every night has been one where you wonder what sort of news are you going to hear next?
However, I did the only thing that I could do under these circumstances, I sat with the pain and I worked through it. Of course one or two sittings is not going to create a fairytale. However, yesterday I woke up feeling that an Artist by profession is what I am, and last night, I did an exercise that has made me feel so very refreshed this morning, and that is saying allot.
The exercise was to imagine all of my immediate and future needs met, and also to see myself in eight years and explore how I fell then and what I have managed to do. Being in the future carried with it a relief with it. There was a definite melting away of the present and a warmth and joy to meet myself then.
This morning I wrote to my friend to apologize. I shall also look at answers to what ails me, and I shall continue to work on myself.
A few days ago I literally blew up at my closest friend. He was trying to cheer me up, but what he was saying had the opposite effect. When we hung up from Yahoo chat, I had to understand why I had been so uncharacteristically mean.
It was hard to see why. My family and I have gone through a number of strains and stresses that have definitely felt traumatizing. The need to scream, cry, feel anxiety and despair has been acute. Getting up every day and feeling good has been an effort, because every night has been one where you wonder what sort of news are you going to hear next?
However, I did the only thing that I could do under these circumstances, I sat with the pain and I worked through it. Of course one or two sittings is not going to create a fairytale. However, yesterday I woke up feeling that an Artist by profession is what I am, and last night, I did an exercise that has made me feel so very refreshed this morning, and that is saying allot.
The exercise was to imagine all of my immediate and future needs met, and also to see myself in eight years and explore how I fell then and what I have managed to do. Being in the future carried with it a relief with it. There was a definite melting away of the present and a warmth and joy to meet myself then.
This morning I wrote to my friend to apologize. I shall also look at answers to what ails me, and I shall continue to work on myself.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Enjoy your life anyway
This came to me today
I suddenly thought, suppose I do not get anything or anywhere I want to in life, what really would I regret?
When I do an introspection, I usually say that I should have enjoyed things more, and with thoughts of my ex, we should have had more sex.
It all comes back to more joy, period.
We act as though being argumentative,aggressive,anxious,whatever takes us along at the time, would somehow enhance our control over life when we have none really.
We may in fact love the weird game?
So,what is this 'enjoy your life anyway'really mean?
In some ways, it is so simple. It is as simple as seeing beauty in my surroundings.
It is saying to myself, hey, I feel like sleeping an hour later, or I feel like working two hours longer to get this project done.
It is about finding complete fullfilment as real in all things.
It is listening to the hunches, and not letting the sadness and stresses of life overwhelm me.
It is listening to my mind and hearing myself being more optimistic about what I want in the moment and moment to moment.
I suddenly thought, suppose I do not get anything or anywhere I want to in life, what really would I regret?
When I do an introspection, I usually say that I should have enjoyed things more, and with thoughts of my ex, we should have had more sex.
It all comes back to more joy, period.
We act as though being argumentative,aggressive,anxious,whatever takes us along at the time, would somehow enhance our control over life when we have none really.
We may in fact love the weird game?
So,what is this 'enjoy your life anyway'really mean?
In some ways, it is so simple. It is as simple as seeing beauty in my surroundings.
It is saying to myself, hey, I feel like sleeping an hour later, or I feel like working two hours longer to get this project done.
It is about finding complete fullfilment as real in all things.
It is listening to the hunches, and not letting the sadness and stresses of life overwhelm me.
It is listening to my mind and hearing myself being more optimistic about what I want in the moment and moment to moment.
My job has been cut. It may seem as though I have gone through more than is reasonable to endure over the last few years. So many things have seemed to disappoint.Yet there also is an opportunity to look at things differently. No matter what you feel may be going on in your life, the question is, have you been able to enjoy the moments that really count?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Yesterday, my mother woke me to tell me that my aunt's house was being robbed, but that police had surrounded the house and apprehended the suspects. This morning my mother woke me again, but this time to say that the house that I grew up in, and that every succeeding generation has enjoyed, has been gutted by fire.
Again, my aunt was with us last night.
We have had heavy feelings for several days, wondering what was going on. Now we are all stunned at the rapid extent of the circumstances.
My aunt is the glue of our family. She is the one who has taken care of everyone. She is the one with a kind word,her last savings being spent on you for some frivolity you want. She is the one who says the prayers and tells you not to worry.
The whole neighbourhood knows her and loves her because she is generous to everyone. No one passes her house unhelped.
When something like this happens in your family, it feels like a very personal attack.
But the truth is, nothing could justify this situation happening to her. Nothing at all.
At this time, faith feels tested, life seems wicked, but we must turn from dramatic thoughts and look towards rebuilding, look towards better for all of us. We have not lost our family. We are pulling together. We know what matters.
My parents have the room to have her stay with us. We have already begun to rebuild.
Again, my aunt was with us last night.
We have had heavy feelings for several days, wondering what was going on. Now we are all stunned at the rapid extent of the circumstances.
My aunt is the glue of our family. She is the one who has taken care of everyone. She is the one with a kind word,her last savings being spent on you for some frivolity you want. She is the one who says the prayers and tells you not to worry.
The whole neighbourhood knows her and loves her because she is generous to everyone. No one passes her house unhelped.
When something like this happens in your family, it feels like a very personal attack.
But the truth is, nothing could justify this situation happening to her. Nothing at all.
At this time, faith feels tested, life seems wicked, but we must turn from dramatic thoughts and look towards rebuilding, look towards better for all of us. We have not lost our family. We are pulling together. We know what matters.
My parents have the room to have her stay with us. We have already begun to rebuild.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Maybe he's just not that into you
I just saw the movie and it was great. I needed to just wind down and look at something this weekend, after working all week on my project. I can see the progress, but I have quite a ways to go.
I am loving the work though. The movie was a big help to me. Of late I have felt quite sentimental, and I have been observing it with suspicion, trying to gauge why I should feel this way now. The movie helped jog me to the position that my ego, although I think that it is usually more sedated, when alert, it can cause havoc.
I have looked at all of the people whom I have found interesting, and now see that
they were just not into me. I can actually laugh about it, as the truth is that in the moment the feeling was great, whether what was shared was a laugh or more vulnerable feelings. The moment was special and that was all it was, a special, shared moment. To take it to another level, to believe that there was some sort of possibility behind anything was just pathetic. You believe what you want to believe.
So now, I must just 'get over' whatever I think anything is,I must start afresh, because no one has made me feel that they are into me at all. The signs are very much there that I have no one in my life who is interested in me romantically.
My dance card is empty.
I just saw the movie and it was great. I needed to just wind down and look at something this weekend, after working all week on my project. I can see the progress, but I have quite a ways to go.
I am loving the work though. The movie was a big help to me. Of late I have felt quite sentimental, and I have been observing it with suspicion, trying to gauge why I should feel this way now. The movie helped jog me to the position that my ego, although I think that it is usually more sedated, when alert, it can cause havoc.
I have looked at all of the people whom I have found interesting, and now see that
they were just not into me. I can actually laugh about it, as the truth is that in the moment the feeling was great, whether what was shared was a laugh or more vulnerable feelings. The moment was special and that was all it was, a special, shared moment. To take it to another level, to believe that there was some sort of possibility behind anything was just pathetic. You believe what you want to believe.
So now, I must just 'get over' whatever I think anything is,I must start afresh, because no one has made me feel that they are into me at all. The signs are very much there that I have no one in my life who is interested in me romantically.
My dance card is empty.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Yes
As I have been working every day since last week, and I must say, at last, on my show...I have been looking at a great deal of dvd movies. They help defuse the subject matter. The last time that I worked all out on this body of work, I soon grew depressed very quickly and had to find other things to work on.
So, I came across the movie, Yes, with Jim Carrey and liked it.
I like the idea of saying 'yes' to life.
What is nice about this hokey movie is that you find it relating to your own life.
What would happen if you just embraced what you really are?
How would it feel? What would you do?
I instantly came up with some thoughts right off the bat, and I shall write them here.
"YES"
1. Create my own comic book.
2. Start a site like Naomi Nowak's.
3. Publish books that I write and draw.
4. Travel everywhere! Starting with India,Japan,Mauritius,Australia,Indonesia,
Italy, Belgium,Spain,Portugal,Argentina.(to name a few places)
5. Fall in love.
6. Have a house that overlooks the ocean or at least stay in a gorgeous hotel that has an infinity pool.
7. Go to dinner once in awhile with people I love.
8. Swim naked at night.
9. Have an outdoor meal at the beach at night.
10.Sleep in a hammock with someone I love.
So, I came across the movie, Yes, with Jim Carrey and liked it.
I like the idea of saying 'yes' to life.
What is nice about this hokey movie is that you find it relating to your own life.
What would happen if you just embraced what you really are?
How would it feel? What would you do?
I instantly came up with some thoughts right off the bat, and I shall write them here.
"YES"
1. Create my own comic book.
2. Start a site like Naomi Nowak's.
3. Publish books that I write and draw.
4. Travel everywhere! Starting with India,Japan,Mauritius,Australia,Indonesia,
Italy, Belgium,Spain,Portugal,Argentina.(to name a few places)
5. Fall in love.
6. Have a house that overlooks the ocean or at least stay in a gorgeous hotel that has an infinity pool.
7. Go to dinner once in awhile with people I love.
8. Swim naked at night.
9. Have an outdoor meal at the beach at night.
10.Sleep in a hammock with someone I love.
Friday, May 29, 2009
With great shame I must call myself out this early morning, 2:18am. I miss my ex-husband! God, I sqirmed writing that. It felt really crawly to admit. I think it may be because he has our little one this weekend. I am trying to figure out why I feel this way? What is it that I think I miss? I know right away the things that I certainly do not miss.
Perhaps it is the idea of family that I actually yearn for again.
I think that that is actually it.
I do not like the fragmenting that has gone on because of divorce.I know that I do not miss the hurt, the dislike, the unkindness that met me at the end.
I do not miss the meanness, the loneliness and the anger either.
Getting out of that relationship was a good thing to do. I could not have continued under those circumstances.
What I miss, and what time has done, is gloss over the bad and kept the good, and I am naturally responsive to that.
That is all.
What I miss is the best of what a relationship can bring.
Perhaps it is the idea of family that I actually yearn for again.
I think that that is actually it.
I do not like the fragmenting that has gone on because of divorce.I know that I do not miss the hurt, the dislike, the unkindness that met me at the end.
I do not miss the meanness, the loneliness and the anger either.
Getting out of that relationship was a good thing to do. I could not have continued under those circumstances.
What I miss, and what time has done, is gloss over the bad and kept the good, and I am naturally responsive to that.
That is all.
What I miss is the best of what a relationship can bring.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Larry King had a number of people on his show a few nights ago for a panel discussion. The group brought up a number of salient points that I want to record here.
Bringing love, that energy of love if you will into any situation you can, whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter. But it's using that energy of love.
2. They are a higher frequency. And what you give out, that energy you give out, you will get that back.
It's almost like, think of it as creating a portrait, a picture, OK? Painting. And you're creating that painting with your actions, with your thoughts, with your words
3. All choices are based on two things, either love or fear. That's all there is.
4. I think we materialize our thoughts. I think right now we are exactly what we thought about before.
5. About guilt - Overcome it? Through observation, through not allowing the guilt, the shame, the blame to run you. You become aware when it's there. You bust it. You identify it. And then you place your attention on living a more inspired life. People that are guilty are living in the past.
6. You have to have the courage to look inside yourself and really look at yourself, who you are as a spiritual being, have to look (ph) at experience and what lessons are you learning this time around? What's it going to teach you? Are you going to learn from the lesson or are you just not going to learn? It's wonderful opportunities every single day.
The biggest thing is to fall in love with yourself. You know? If you're not on your side, nobody is going to be on your side. Life is a gift. Death isn't a gift
7. We create our experience of reality. Most people don't experience reality, they experience their thoughts about reality. That which is real is eternal, it's forever. It's never been born, it will never die so the thoughts act as a filter and we end up experiencing that filter and we think it's real so people as J.Z. was saying, they project their fear onto a future.
8. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
9. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
10. why, why give up your future by holding on to an incident in your past? Your life should be more important than holding a grudge.
11. Because forgiveness is a process of the heart. The head says, no, no, no. How could I do it? And that's the hardest. That's why unless - I believe that unless you find really the gift, like what could I learn from this? How could I step into my next level of greatness? What could I create? How could I share? How could I make this world a better place because of this event? Then you're free.
12. forgiveness is the dynamic act of self-empowerment. You're not going to allow what someone else did to determine your destiny.
13. Karma can only determine starting points, it can't determine our destiny, however, and so you may have put out a lot of negative energy and you may - it will create a starting point for you but your destiny is determined by the attitudes and also your character.
14. We don't need to experience how someone else is treating us. We only experience how we're treating someone else and how we think about them and what we say about them and when you begin to understand that, you're now empowered.
Bringing love, that energy of love if you will into any situation you can, whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter. But it's using that energy of love.
2. They are a higher frequency. And what you give out, that energy you give out, you will get that back.
It's almost like, think of it as creating a portrait, a picture, OK? Painting. And you're creating that painting with your actions, with your thoughts, with your words
3. All choices are based on two things, either love or fear. That's all there is.
4. I think we materialize our thoughts. I think right now we are exactly what we thought about before.
5. About guilt - Overcome it? Through observation, through not allowing the guilt, the shame, the blame to run you. You become aware when it's there. You bust it. You identify it. And then you place your attention on living a more inspired life. People that are guilty are living in the past.
6. You have to have the courage to look inside yourself and really look at yourself, who you are as a spiritual being, have to look (ph) at experience and what lessons are you learning this time around? What's it going to teach you? Are you going to learn from the lesson or are you just not going to learn? It's wonderful opportunities every single day.
The biggest thing is to fall in love with yourself. You know? If you're not on your side, nobody is going to be on your side. Life is a gift. Death isn't a gift
7. We create our experience of reality. Most people don't experience reality, they experience their thoughts about reality. That which is real is eternal, it's forever. It's never been born, it will never die so the thoughts act as a filter and we end up experiencing that filter and we think it's real so people as J.Z. was saying, they project their fear onto a future.
8. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
9. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
10. why, why give up your future by holding on to an incident in your past? Your life should be more important than holding a grudge.
11. Because forgiveness is a process of the heart. The head says, no, no, no. How could I do it? And that's the hardest. That's why unless - I believe that unless you find really the gift, like what could I learn from this? How could I step into my next level of greatness? What could I create? How could I share? How could I make this world a better place because of this event? Then you're free.
12. forgiveness is the dynamic act of self-empowerment. You're not going to allow what someone else did to determine your destiny.
13. Karma can only determine starting points, it can't determine our destiny, however, and so you may have put out a lot of negative energy and you may - it will create a starting point for you but your destiny is determined by the attitudes and also your character.
14. We don't need to experience how someone else is treating us. We only experience how we're treating someone else and how we think about them and what we say about them and when you begin to understand that, you're now empowered.
Another chance
A dear friend of mine has a brain tumor. He wrote me to tell me yesterday, and it really shook me up. You need to ask yourself, what are you doing with the short period of time that you have? This person has children, and a new wife. He now has to confront his mortality, and he is handling it very well.
It made me realize that it is important to live your life every day. Stop complaining about what you don't have. Start being grateful for the day, for friends, for life.
All of this is already known, but the illusion that is life gets in the way and you start acting on auto pilot.
My friend's illness has made me ask myself, what are you doing to create and keep joy in your life every day?
Thank you so much for teaching me something from this situation.
A dear friend of mine has a brain tumor. He wrote me to tell me yesterday, and it really shook me up. You need to ask yourself, what are you doing with the short period of time that you have? This person has children, and a new wife. He now has to confront his mortality, and he is handling it very well.
It made me realize that it is important to live your life every day. Stop complaining about what you don't have. Start being grateful for the day, for friends, for life.
All of this is already known, but the illusion that is life gets in the way and you start acting on auto pilot.
My friend's illness has made me ask myself, what are you doing to create and keep joy in your life every day?
Thank you so much for teaching me something from this situation.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Looking at the turned corner
There is much to be said for personal growth.It comes sometimes, or possibly most times,from some experience that may be traumatic in nature.
My ex-husband returned to the country after giving me only two days notice when he left to immigrate. I expected that he would do what he is presently doing, which is returning and assuming that it is business as usual.
This time I was prepared for any outcome,and I was saddened that this could all have been solved with basic courtesy from him. If he had called at any time, or talked to me in a way that I could see that he understands that joint means working together. It doesn't mean kissy kissy, but it should mean civil behavior on his part. But he is not yet at a place where he can act that way, and so I have had no choice but to act as I have.
What is interesting to me about this latest experience, is that I used to be so afraid to put a foot wrong, and naturally I felt as though I made many mistakes. This was so pervasive that in some ways I gave up my opinions to him in our marriage. I also felt that I had to defer to those older than I,for advice. I realized that I had an authority problem.I did this under the guise of my own confidence,because I was not completely lacking in it,it was just that there were moments when I felt that I did not know something,and,I didn't venture forward.
I stayed in the background assuming that they knew better than I did.
What I observe now is that although I still display worry and sometimes fear in the unknown, I am not letting that stall me. I am not saying to myself that I cannot move because I am afraid of making a mistake.
Instead I am interested to feel the trepidation,as, in a way, it leads me to feeling what this fear is, and in looking at it stone cold, I can dissect it and lay it plain out before me and look beyond its alledged spikes.
Fear,worry, they are there, but they are not looming over me making me unable to move.
There is much to be said for personal growth.It comes sometimes, or possibly most times,from some experience that may be traumatic in nature.
My ex-husband returned to the country after giving me only two days notice when he left to immigrate. I expected that he would do what he is presently doing, which is returning and assuming that it is business as usual.
This time I was prepared for any outcome,and I was saddened that this could all have been solved with basic courtesy from him. If he had called at any time, or talked to me in a way that I could see that he understands that joint means working together. It doesn't mean kissy kissy, but it should mean civil behavior on his part. But he is not yet at a place where he can act that way, and so I have had no choice but to act as I have.
What is interesting to me about this latest experience, is that I used to be so afraid to put a foot wrong, and naturally I felt as though I made many mistakes. This was so pervasive that in some ways I gave up my opinions to him in our marriage. I also felt that I had to defer to those older than I,for advice. I realized that I had an authority problem.I did this under the guise of my own confidence,because I was not completely lacking in it,it was just that there were moments when I felt that I did not know something,and,I didn't venture forward.
I stayed in the background assuming that they knew better than I did.
What I observe now is that although I still display worry and sometimes fear in the unknown, I am not letting that stall me. I am not saying to myself that I cannot move because I am afraid of making a mistake.
Instead I am interested to feel the trepidation,as, in a way, it leads me to feeling what this fear is, and in looking at it stone cold, I can dissect it and lay it plain out before me and look beyond its alledged spikes.
Fear,worry, they are there, but they are not looming over me making me unable to move.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
what joy would look like
This morning I saw a lovely site where the designer used African motifs. So many elements were generously designed in terms of shape,structure and materials. I have looked at it several times. This work made me fantasize about a whole house where these chairs, daybed,couches and tables would find a home.
A few years ago, MTV Cribs showed the Jamaican home of Naomi Campell. This was a series of modules off of a waterfront view that in itself was spectacular. What was so lovely about that was that each space was quite self contained. So you walk into a space where the bed is the focal point. There is a patio outside the room, so you feel a sense of indoor/outdoor luxury.
Another caribbean space I have loved, is the home of the photographer Patrick Demachievalier in Martinique. He has a casement house and the architect had the presence of mind and sensitivity to connect each case with landings, so again you have self contained spaces onto themselves. Images like that seem to feed my soul.
There was an article in Town and Country magazine of a European woman and her Chinese husband. They had the traditional Chinese house where the rooms open out to a central courtyard. I have also loved the look of Moroccan houses that also open out to courtyards and ultimately there is my deep love of Japanese minimalism.
Houses that work with the environment interest me, and as I am aware more and more of the need to have my own space, I wonder how to go about making this a reality.
I would like to have many things in the house that are hand made and artistically designed. From the drain catchers to the structures of the tables, chairs and bed, I would love a place that feels organic and beautiful, and writing about it makes me feel optimistic about it all.
This morning I saw a lovely site where the designer used African motifs. So many elements were generously designed in terms of shape,structure and materials. I have looked at it several times. This work made me fantasize about a whole house where these chairs, daybed,couches and tables would find a home.
A few years ago, MTV Cribs showed the Jamaican home of Naomi Campell. This was a series of modules off of a waterfront view that in itself was spectacular. What was so lovely about that was that each space was quite self contained. So you walk into a space where the bed is the focal point. There is a patio outside the room, so you feel a sense of indoor/outdoor luxury.
Another caribbean space I have loved, is the home of the photographer Patrick Demachievalier in Martinique. He has a casement house and the architect had the presence of mind and sensitivity to connect each case with landings, so again you have self contained spaces onto themselves. Images like that seem to feed my soul.
There was an article in Town and Country magazine of a European woman and her Chinese husband. They had the traditional Chinese house where the rooms open out to a central courtyard. I have also loved the look of Moroccan houses that also open out to courtyards and ultimately there is my deep love of Japanese minimalism.
Houses that work with the environment interest me, and as I am aware more and more of the need to have my own space, I wonder how to go about making this a reality.
I would like to have many things in the house that are hand made and artistically designed. From the drain catchers to the structures of the tables, chairs and bed, I would love a place that feels organic and beautiful, and writing about it makes me feel optimistic about it all.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
ex[ansion of spirit
Will this entry sound like a bunch of babbling? Maybe, because what I have to write may sound trite and also obscure, but that doesn't matter. I was listening to my thoughts bounce around tonight, now that my ex-husband is back in the country. I had some email to send, so I ended up on Facebook sending some mail there too, and I was thinking about what I had said about that other artist several months ago. The one who seems to be living the type of life that I would like.
It suddenly dawned on me that I have to just live that life every day. Live my life like I mean it. Really keep my focus on my highest good as much as possible. I realize that I feel better when I do, and when I don't, I am aware that I am not. I am also cognizant of the fact that down times are not cause for too much concern. They allow me to take my emotional temperature and to adjust whatever negative mindset is gumming up my consciousness.
In some ways, I am so slow in getting to the right actions. But I am really trying to be a better person.
So what would having the life I want actually look like? I always jump instantly to thoughts of traveling. I think of a living space next where there is a great space to work and for my child to enjoy her life.
Today we had another wonderful day. She took me for a walk to the river,she said Mummy, I want to go, and she literally took the lead.
I love when my nearly three year old reminds me of what matters. She does this all of the time, with humor and observations, and I thank her so much.
I have felt so much that I made a very big mistake with my finances, and I get very upset about it. But then, I move out of myself and I also project forward and remind myself that my best is ahead of me, and I am working towards it.
This year marks ten years since my first show, and a friend suggested that I have a retrospective. That is a brilliant idea.
There is so much I want to do. I'd like to do a number of sculptural works and environmental works. I'd like to do books, from adult pop-ups to texts for colleges. I'd like to earn an Academy Award for some form of design. The sky is the limit.
When I think on these things, I feel such an expansion of spirit. It is like an oasis in a parched land.
When I feel like this, I can even see my ex-husband from an elevated space, where I know that keeping to the high road will insulate me from stress and pettiness. He said to me back then that it was not personal, and I can have that feeling when I think of his intended moves, now that he is back.
I think that not focusing on him, as I had done for many, many years, and finally learning to focus on myself and what I require, has been deeply liberating.
Not caring what he thinks and giving it precedence over my own well being! Waw, the shoe has certainly dropped. The scales are off my eyes.
It is now, so not about him, that my language has changed. I look ahead with my child's hand firmly in mine as we move forward together.
It suddenly dawned on me that I have to just live that life every day. Live my life like I mean it. Really keep my focus on my highest good as much as possible. I realize that I feel better when I do, and when I don't, I am aware that I am not. I am also cognizant of the fact that down times are not cause for too much concern. They allow me to take my emotional temperature and to adjust whatever negative mindset is gumming up my consciousness.
In some ways, I am so slow in getting to the right actions. But I am really trying to be a better person.
So what would having the life I want actually look like? I always jump instantly to thoughts of traveling. I think of a living space next where there is a great space to work and for my child to enjoy her life.
Today we had another wonderful day. She took me for a walk to the river,she said Mummy, I want to go, and she literally took the lead.
I love when my nearly three year old reminds me of what matters. She does this all of the time, with humor and observations, and I thank her so much.
I have felt so much that I made a very big mistake with my finances, and I get very upset about it. But then, I move out of myself and I also project forward and remind myself that my best is ahead of me, and I am working towards it.
This year marks ten years since my first show, and a friend suggested that I have a retrospective. That is a brilliant idea.
There is so much I want to do. I'd like to do a number of sculptural works and environmental works. I'd like to do books, from adult pop-ups to texts for colleges. I'd like to earn an Academy Award for some form of design. The sky is the limit.
When I think on these things, I feel such an expansion of spirit. It is like an oasis in a parched land.
When I feel like this, I can even see my ex-husband from an elevated space, where I know that keeping to the high road will insulate me from stress and pettiness. He said to me back then that it was not personal, and I can have that feeling when I think of his intended moves, now that he is back.
I think that not focusing on him, as I had done for many, many years, and finally learning to focus on myself and what I require, has been deeply liberating.
Not caring what he thinks and giving it precedence over my own well being! Waw, the shoe has certainly dropped. The scales are off my eyes.
It is now, so not about him, that my language has changed. I look ahead with my child's hand firmly in mine as we move forward together.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Part of me felt that I should not write this post to put any energy into the call that I got today. But my phone isn't ringing loudly, so I never heard the call, so he left a message.
He's back. I knew that he would be, but I had also hoped that he would stick it out in the place that he broke apart everything he alledgedly believed in, to chase a vague dream.
Now he is back and expects that things shall be as they were before he left three months ago.
Oddly enough my little one and I discussed him last night. I had a strange feeling that he was nearby, and I said a little prayer. Actually as I write this, I think that I should begin to teach my little one to pray. It is just a calming thing to learn.
He sounded no different than he did before he left, much to my disappointment. But the good thing with this call, is that it shows me my continued growth. I am not moved by his call, I have my next and future moves in place, and that is very uplifting to me.
He's back. I knew that he would be, but I had also hoped that he would stick it out in the place that he broke apart everything he alledgedly believed in, to chase a vague dream.
Now he is back and expects that things shall be as they were before he left three months ago.
Oddly enough my little one and I discussed him last night. I had a strange feeling that he was nearby, and I said a little prayer. Actually as I write this, I think that I should begin to teach my little one to pray. It is just a calming thing to learn.
He sounded no different than he did before he left, much to my disappointment. But the good thing with this call, is that it shows me my continued growth. I am not moved by his call, I have my next and future moves in place, and that is very uplifting to me.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Brand New Day
If personal guardian angels exist, mine must be so patient with me. Yesterday I went to a show of someone working in similar materials as myself.I was sensitive because I had asked that same gallery for a show and they never responded to my request.
She on the other hand,managed to sell her work, and just as had happened with the other artist last year, this artist has made me see things from another place, in other words, has taught me something that I needed to learn.
I have been bellyaching about not getting shown,yadda,yadda,yadda...today I woke up and the answer for myself,what am I not doing for my own wellbeing?
I had to literally listen to myself, and I got some interesting findings, these findings had to do with what is called my own inner scumbag.
I didn't realise that that was factoring into my life so strongly.
It suddenly occured to me, I am saying that this and that are obstacles. Yet,there is only so much information to proove that. No one is saying to my face, you cannot do so and so. They are just not responding. So what about what I can control? My own attitude, is it sound, is it healthy? It was then that I found a tiny self sabotaging voice that was expectant of the difficulties.
As is inclined to happen, this voice was not loud and clear.Instead it was subtle and underlying.
It was so sublte that I am inclined to believe that it works without my cognitive awareness on occassion! I took this to heart today, and I concluded that I had to forgive myself for my self-sabotage or self-pity.
I think that this is a huge breakthrough for me to come to terms with that.
If personal guardian angels exist, mine must be so patient with me. Yesterday I went to a show of someone working in similar materials as myself.I was sensitive because I had asked that same gallery for a show and they never responded to my request.
She on the other hand,managed to sell her work, and just as had happened with the other artist last year, this artist has made me see things from another place, in other words, has taught me something that I needed to learn.
I have been bellyaching about not getting shown,yadda,yadda,yadda...today I woke up and the answer for myself,what am I not doing for my own wellbeing?
I had to literally listen to myself, and I got some interesting findings, these findings had to do with what is called my own inner scumbag.
I didn't realise that that was factoring into my life so strongly.
It suddenly occured to me, I am saying that this and that are obstacles. Yet,there is only so much information to proove that. No one is saying to my face, you cannot do so and so. They are just not responding. So what about what I can control? My own attitude, is it sound, is it healthy? It was then that I found a tiny self sabotaging voice that was expectant of the difficulties.
As is inclined to happen, this voice was not loud and clear.Instead it was subtle and underlying.
It was so sublte that I am inclined to believe that it works without my cognitive awareness on occassion! I took this to heart today, and I concluded that I had to forgive myself for my self-sabotage or self-pity.
I think that this is a huge breakthrough for me to come to terms with that.
Friday, April 10, 2009
I took a look at the Facebook page of an aquaintance today, and this person is doing alot of dynamic things. I feel as though I am standing still. But it was not looking at what is going on with that person that did it, but the suggestion last week of a friend. She wanted to know whether I would have liked to take my little one and go with her for the long Easter weekend to Tobago.
On the face of it, saying no is the expected response because she'll be there with her boyfriend and kids, and I do not feel totally comfortable with that arrangement.
However, it begged the question, what's happening with your life?
When was the last time that you went out just for pleasure?
I do not go out for pleasure. I go out for work, or to the lawyers office! My God, when did that start being my life?
As I looked at this person's pictures, I did not feel jealous, but I did feel stagnated in my own life. Maybe it is because there is so much tension right now, where everything feels so uncertain, and plans are not panning out as they should? But no, the real question is before me, what am I doing with my life is very real.
I have not had one day for myself where I just spend it on me, and take myself on a date. I just have never done that.
When I was speaking with my friend in India, I saw that I was beginning to open up to another, more fun side of myself, and when that communication uncerimoniously ended, I stopped pursuing some of those thoughts. But also, the loss of my computer and digital camera and other belongings didn't make it any better either.
I have to begin to see what I want for myself right now. How can I start to make things better for myself in my emotional life? What would it take? it is probably why it is so easy to find myself falling back ever so often into what ifs, and how am I going to manage?
There is another me, a really powerful me, a me who has the get up and go, and if I am not careful, she will get up and go without me.
On the face of it, saying no is the expected response because she'll be there with her boyfriend and kids, and I do not feel totally comfortable with that arrangement.
However, it begged the question, what's happening with your life?
When was the last time that you went out just for pleasure?
I do not go out for pleasure. I go out for work, or to the lawyers office! My God, when did that start being my life?
As I looked at this person's pictures, I did not feel jealous, but I did feel stagnated in my own life. Maybe it is because there is so much tension right now, where everything feels so uncertain, and plans are not panning out as they should? But no, the real question is before me, what am I doing with my life is very real.
I have not had one day for myself where I just spend it on me, and take myself on a date. I just have never done that.
When I was speaking with my friend in India, I saw that I was beginning to open up to another, more fun side of myself, and when that communication uncerimoniously ended, I stopped pursuing some of those thoughts. But also, the loss of my computer and digital camera and other belongings didn't make it any better either.
I have to begin to see what I want for myself right now. How can I start to make things better for myself in my emotional life? What would it take? it is probably why it is so easy to find myself falling back ever so often into what ifs, and how am I going to manage?
There is another me, a really powerful me, a me who has the get up and go, and if I am not careful, she will get up and go without me.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Staring down fear
I believe that I may have named another post this before? But after writing what I just did, I remembered that I also wanted to write this.
When I feel as I just stated, I think that I should also just dare to go into the abyss and stare down whatever it is that seems to hold me fast.
Is it that I worry that I shall never make enough money to have my own life? Am I fearful of not living up to my childs' expectations? Do I worry that I will not be able to have a better life in my future? Am I concerned that I do not know how to go forward in my life?
Writing these things down actually helps that chasm that seemed to leap up in a blue haze. To see those words come leaping across the page is to see their ordinariness and to realise as well that they are just that, words that coat the psyche until one can see beyond them to other things.
I believe that I may have named another post this before? But after writing what I just did, I remembered that I also wanted to write this.
When I feel as I just stated, I think that I should also just dare to go into the abyss and stare down whatever it is that seems to hold me fast.
Is it that I worry that I shall never make enough money to have my own life? Am I fearful of not living up to my childs' expectations? Do I worry that I will not be able to have a better life in my future? Am I concerned that I do not know how to go forward in my life?
Writing these things down actually helps that chasm that seemed to leap up in a blue haze. To see those words come leaping across the page is to see their ordinariness and to realise as well that they are just that, words that coat the psyche until one can see beyond them to other things.
Ever so often I feel blue...although I am aware that it does not last long. For example tonight my little one was studying my fingers as I put her to bed. So that helped me feel less down.
I suppose that it is only natural to feel this way when someone I have known all of my adult life now has walked away and not looked back.
The person I used to know would never do this. It makes me wonder what could be in such a mind? Is it that he is so steely that he could just forget with ease all the good and the great things of the past so very easily? I do not know anyone who can do that? Or even if he has gone away still justifying his rage, surely he should be able to see that it is not worth it?
What it tells me is that I probably never knew him at all? I know that I should not encourage this funk, but it all feels so wasteful, all that has gone on, wasteful to have done all that he did? For what?
Will I ever know and do I really want to?
Perhaps if I had had a different story by now, some new person in my life to distract me, I would not be feeling this way? Possibly?
Thankfully these moments dissipate quickly, and I move on to all that I am o thankful for now and for the future. I also suppose that the funk is there to remind me of better and better feelings around the corner.
I suppose that it is only natural to feel this way when someone I have known all of my adult life now has walked away and not looked back.
The person I used to know would never do this. It makes me wonder what could be in such a mind? Is it that he is so steely that he could just forget with ease all the good and the great things of the past so very easily? I do not know anyone who can do that? Or even if he has gone away still justifying his rage, surely he should be able to see that it is not worth it?
What it tells me is that I probably never knew him at all? I know that I should not encourage this funk, but it all feels so wasteful, all that has gone on, wasteful to have done all that he did? For what?
Will I ever know and do I really want to?
Perhaps if I had had a different story by now, some new person in my life to distract me, I would not be feeling this way? Possibly?
Thankfully these moments dissipate quickly, and I move on to all that I am o thankful for now and for the future. I also suppose that the funk is there to remind me of better and better feelings around the corner.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Learning from work
At the moment I am working on a freelance job with someone who brought me on board. It has turned out that that person is not as professional as they claimed to be, and the worst of it is that they do indeed feel that they are extremely professional. It has been very challenging to work with them. They have made so many mis-steps that the client has called me several times and basically asked me to reign this person in.
It has been an experience to say the least.
For me the project has been straightforward. Get all of the elements to do the design, and she has not managed to give me these elements in a timely fashion, so now, she is bitching and moaning about charging too little, but she is still working on her part of the project although the deadline is next week.
She has also chosen to go to cricket when she should be working. So there it is.
What working on this job has shown me is my own work ethic. I have stayed on course (as I usually do) and I am very clear about my role (as I usually am)certainly the cost could have been higher, but in the negotiations, the client made it clear what could be afforded. We could have said no. I said yes based on the time factor and I have worked accordingly, not doing what I should not do.
So I am quite pleased that the project is on stream where my work is concerned.
At the moment I am working on a freelance job with someone who brought me on board. It has turned out that that person is not as professional as they claimed to be, and the worst of it is that they do indeed feel that they are extremely professional. It has been very challenging to work with them. They have made so many mis-steps that the client has called me several times and basically asked me to reign this person in.
It has been an experience to say the least.
For me the project has been straightforward. Get all of the elements to do the design, and she has not managed to give me these elements in a timely fashion, so now, she is bitching and moaning about charging too little, but she is still working on her part of the project although the deadline is next week.
She has also chosen to go to cricket when she should be working. So there it is.
What working on this job has shown me is my own work ethic. I have stayed on course (as I usually do) and I am very clear about my role (as I usually am)certainly the cost could have been higher, but in the negotiations, the client made it clear what could be afforded. We could have said no. I said yes based on the time factor and I have worked accordingly, not doing what I should not do.
So I am quite pleased that the project is on stream where my work is concerned.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
much contemplation
Today I listened to my internal dialogue as I did a number of tasks. I was thinking about where I am at this moment, and the possibilities that lay ahead.
Some of my thinking was hedged in something that was said on television by an American. He was discussing the economy and saying that for the people who lost or are losing their homes because they could not afford their mortgages, they should simply cut a loss and move on. Your house is not your 'home', your 'family' is your home.
I understood the jist of what he was trying to say, but it sounded both harsh and condescending. Yet, within that statement there stood a nugget of thought that related to me in my life at this time.
It propelled the thinking within me about managing my present and what would my future bring?
I felt that a plan, any plan would benefit me, as long as at the end of each goal I saw results for myself and my child.
I felt as though I had not seen things this way before, and I became more and more curious about how I felt and what I want.
I was able to see that a large part of my inertia came from fear of the unknown and of course the suddenness of going it alone. I put all of that into perspective quickly and got down to brass tacks.
I gave myself a quick wake-up call. Where are you now and where do you really want to be going? But more importantly, what do you think happiness will really look like in your quest to be happy? Is happiness getting a house and a car and being able to travel and to have a large disposable income that keeps your needs met without worry?
In many ways, it feels as though aquiring these things is what you need to feed the machine, that machine is both ego and what society says you need to make it in the world.
Quite obviously there is no going back to primitive living, there is no point in that, and society would eat you alive and your child too.
There is a careful balance that one feels must be in place for life at this time. As I let the older lady pass me in the taxi, I wondered, am I preparing myself adequately for old age? Will my daughter be proud of my efforts?
What am I leaving behind?
When you are thinking like this, it seems as though every thought is concentrated, and life is swimming by. You feel as though time has slowed down for you to take a look at yourself from a distance. I saw things that I was not happy with, but I also was able to size myself up as not half bad at all.
I confronted my concerns about my age and timeframe for some of my plans, and I looked at the legacy thing too.
Did I get everything answered, obviously no, but I got started.
Today I listened to my internal dialogue as I did a number of tasks. I was thinking about where I am at this moment, and the possibilities that lay ahead.
Some of my thinking was hedged in something that was said on television by an American. He was discussing the economy and saying that for the people who lost or are losing their homes because they could not afford their mortgages, they should simply cut a loss and move on. Your house is not your 'home', your 'family' is your home.
I understood the jist of what he was trying to say, but it sounded both harsh and condescending. Yet, within that statement there stood a nugget of thought that related to me in my life at this time.
It propelled the thinking within me about managing my present and what would my future bring?
I felt that a plan, any plan would benefit me, as long as at the end of each goal I saw results for myself and my child.
I felt as though I had not seen things this way before, and I became more and more curious about how I felt and what I want.
I was able to see that a large part of my inertia came from fear of the unknown and of course the suddenness of going it alone. I put all of that into perspective quickly and got down to brass tacks.
I gave myself a quick wake-up call. Where are you now and where do you really want to be going? But more importantly, what do you think happiness will really look like in your quest to be happy? Is happiness getting a house and a car and being able to travel and to have a large disposable income that keeps your needs met without worry?
In many ways, it feels as though aquiring these things is what you need to feed the machine, that machine is both ego and what society says you need to make it in the world.
Quite obviously there is no going back to primitive living, there is no point in that, and society would eat you alive and your child too.
There is a careful balance that one feels must be in place for life at this time. As I let the older lady pass me in the taxi, I wondered, am I preparing myself adequately for old age? Will my daughter be proud of my efforts?
What am I leaving behind?
When you are thinking like this, it seems as though every thought is concentrated, and life is swimming by. You feel as though time has slowed down for you to take a look at yourself from a distance. I saw things that I was not happy with, but I also was able to size myself up as not half bad at all.
I confronted my concerns about my age and timeframe for some of my plans, and I looked at the legacy thing too.
Did I get everything answered, obviously no, but I got started.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
About myself
My year is off to a robust start, from having to nip an attempt to sabotage my job, by an alledged superior to the sudden end of communication with an intended interest. I cannot say that I am bored.
With all the hullaballoo, I have felt myself feeling highs and occassional lows. I have sometimes concluded that the lows, though few, seem to engaging, and I too sensitive. But in the end, I have always felt growth.
I am faced with new ways of handling the things that come my way, and the things that I want for myself and my child are not unattainable. We all want to feel secure and to know that our work is rewarding. Of course I want to leave a legacy that I am proud of, and I want to look back on my life as a spectrum of fabulous colours that invigorated my soul with so much to be thankful for.
Going forward alone does have its challenges, but also, I feel so good about myself, and I impart my positivity to others as well.
Some of the things that I have experienced in the last month are annoying and have made some setbacks, but, again, I decided to look at the advantage to these issues instead of harping for any length of time on the downer they have been.
But I am only human, and I will feel knocked about by things. But I will stand up and continue to do what I need to do.
My year is off to a robust start, from having to nip an attempt to sabotage my job, by an alledged superior to the sudden end of communication with an intended interest. I cannot say that I am bored.
With all the hullaballoo, I have felt myself feeling highs and occassional lows. I have sometimes concluded that the lows, though few, seem to engaging, and I too sensitive. But in the end, I have always felt growth.
I am faced with new ways of handling the things that come my way, and the things that I want for myself and my child are not unattainable. We all want to feel secure and to know that our work is rewarding. Of course I want to leave a legacy that I am proud of, and I want to look back on my life as a spectrum of fabulous colours that invigorated my soul with so much to be thankful for.
Going forward alone does have its challenges, but also, I feel so good about myself, and I impart my positivity to others as well.
Some of the things that I have experienced in the last month are annoying and have made some setbacks, but, again, I decided to look at the advantage to these issues instead of harping for any length of time on the downer they have been.
But I am only human, and I will feel knocked about by things. But I will stand up and continue to do what I need to do.
Friday, January 16, 2009
yucky to yummy feelings
What a tumult of emotion went through me today. I started the day feeling so chipper and positive and then ended up being combative with a dear friend of mine. I am so glad that I now understand the energy of things enough to know that it is never about the thing at hand, but about the underlying 'thing at hand' that must be looked at.
Naturally I did not want to look at anything because I was venting my spleen, feeling so deeply frustrated about everything, whether I still had a job, how was I going to make money? What about all of the niggling things that seemed to be pervading my life at this precise moment...everything good seemed to vanish and a mess was what I found myself staring at.
It was then that I realised that under all of my combayah stories that I wake up and tell myself every day, there was a knot of pain that I clearly had not unraveled.
I had to get to it.
What would I find there? What would it be?
At one point I just started to say aloud all the things that I want to see in my life now.
It felt a bit strange to just put them out there in the open and to sort of swim in the sound, but I did it.
I didn't feel miles better, but I felt that it was important to vent what was hidden down inside.
I have to stop repressing what I feel. It comes out anyway in the end.
I want to feel that my life is going well for me, that I am making strides in my life and that there are things that I am developing that are yielding positive results.
I now also find that love in my life is important to me too. Not in a dependent way, that has never been my style. But more of a mutual joy and sharing that belongs to the adult me.
My little one provides deep joy, but I have to share her, and she is not my possession after all, neither would a man be to me, a possession. I am talking about the things that are special, the planning, the letters, the anticipation that is built through getting to know the other and liking that process...my work is going well, and I am very happy about that. I am also a bit scared because it looks so different and off the beaten track...which is me anyway.
A friend said it best this afternoon to me, he said, hey, your feelings tell me that you are healthy.
Now that is worthwhile.
What a tumult of emotion went through me today. I started the day feeling so chipper and positive and then ended up being combative with a dear friend of mine. I am so glad that I now understand the energy of things enough to know that it is never about the thing at hand, but about the underlying 'thing at hand' that must be looked at.
Naturally I did not want to look at anything because I was venting my spleen, feeling so deeply frustrated about everything, whether I still had a job, how was I going to make money? What about all of the niggling things that seemed to be pervading my life at this precise moment...everything good seemed to vanish and a mess was what I found myself staring at.
It was then that I realised that under all of my combayah stories that I wake up and tell myself every day, there was a knot of pain that I clearly had not unraveled.
I had to get to it.
What would I find there? What would it be?
At one point I just started to say aloud all the things that I want to see in my life now.
It felt a bit strange to just put them out there in the open and to sort of swim in the sound, but I did it.
I didn't feel miles better, but I felt that it was important to vent what was hidden down inside.
I have to stop repressing what I feel. It comes out anyway in the end.
I want to feel that my life is going well for me, that I am making strides in my life and that there are things that I am developing that are yielding positive results.
I now also find that love in my life is important to me too. Not in a dependent way, that has never been my style. But more of a mutual joy and sharing that belongs to the adult me.
My little one provides deep joy, but I have to share her, and she is not my possession after all, neither would a man be to me, a possession. I am talking about the things that are special, the planning, the letters, the anticipation that is built through getting to know the other and liking that process...my work is going well, and I am very happy about that. I am also a bit scared because it looks so different and off the beaten track...which is me anyway.
A friend said it best this afternoon to me, he said, hey, your feelings tell me that you are healthy.
Now that is worthwhile.
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