Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt
and dance like no body's looking
~
I found that quote on a blog and had to post it here. It is so cute, and so true. As I was writing, I felt a very strong earthquake. We do not normally feel them on this side of the island, so i can just imagine the reaction of many people. Particularly as yesterday it rained almost all day.
The Christmas season is bringing out a lot of thoughts about the year and about making peace with myself and others.
It is a time for reflection, and for making plans. It is really wonderful to be able to do any of that.
My friend is better, her son is here and his wife shall be coming in a few days, so they shall have a little romantic time.
I feel optimistic about my work and my plans, and I feel really good about things for myself and for those I love and know.
A few days ago I saw an image of myself on a student's cd. I looked bloated in the stomach, and I was alarmed at my silhouette. But the oddest thing happened. I was surprised, and then I instantly realized that I had to give thanks for even thinking of myself from the point of aesthetic beauty. i am fine, I live, I breathe, I impart information. Yes, I need to cut back on fructose and bread. But I am fine. I have nothing to be upset about. So what if I look less than my sexy best!
I thought of Britney Spears in front of the whole world being ripped to shreds on her body this year.
The perspective came home to me quickly.
I know what I can do to look my best, and it isn't difficult to do.
I think that what is helpful is the feeling better about myself and cultivating positivity in myself and feeling it from others that can guide you.
All is well.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
"When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly."
-Edward Teller
~
That is so beautiful. I have been meaning to post it.
last night I had a good lime with some old friends and I was able to talk about the latest news about me. When I visit this particular friend, I realise just how far I have come in such a short space of time. Particularly when she asks me certain things that I recall as vexing, but can discuss with aplomb.
Not that the composure is one of steely superiority.
On the contrary, it is something better. What I see is the progression and even more, the trajectory forward for myself.
~
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
~
My friend had another friend, someone I do not know, visit her. This person had gone through a divorce when her girls were seven and three. She had alot to tell me. What was very good was that she was not speaking from a place of victimhood. She has been able to be financially independent of her ex ever since they divorced.
It was good talking with her, and we all plan to meet before the end of the year for another get together.
~
"Smiling is very important. If we are not able to smile, then the world will not have peace. It is not by going out for a demonstration against nuclear missiles that we can bring about peace. It is with our capacity of smiling, breathing, and being peace that we can make peace.” Thich Nhat Hahn.
~
-Edward Teller
~
That is so beautiful. I have been meaning to post it.
last night I had a good lime with some old friends and I was able to talk about the latest news about me. When I visit this particular friend, I realise just how far I have come in such a short space of time. Particularly when she asks me certain things that I recall as vexing, but can discuss with aplomb.
Not that the composure is one of steely superiority.
On the contrary, it is something better. What I see is the progression and even more, the trajectory forward for myself.
~
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
~
My friend had another friend, someone I do not know, visit her. This person had gone through a divorce when her girls were seven and three. She had alot to tell me. What was very good was that she was not speaking from a place of victimhood. She has been able to be financially independent of her ex ever since they divorced.
It was good talking with her, and we all plan to meet before the end of the year for another get together.
~
"Smiling is very important. If we are not able to smile, then the world will not have peace. It is not by going out for a demonstration against nuclear missiles that we can bring about peace. It is with our capacity of smiling, breathing, and being peace that we can make peace.” Thich Nhat Hahn.
~
Friday, December 5, 2008
When your smiling the whole world does smile with you
Having been closed off from intimacy for so long, now that I am being impacted with it in writing by an interest so far away, I feel an opening up for myself.
I have a private smile, a bouncier step. There is something to be said for joy. This brings me a pleasure that is unexpected, and such a buzz. I find that thinking on this has done so much for me in the last few weeks. It has helped tremendously to take my mind away from the trivial nonsense of the day and the absurdity of my ex.
Where this shall lead I do not know. All I can say or know is that it feels wonderful to smile and have a private knowing.
Having been closed off from intimacy for so long, now that I am being impacted with it in writing by an interest so far away, I feel an opening up for myself.
I have a private smile, a bouncier step. There is something to be said for joy. This brings me a pleasure that is unexpected, and such a buzz. I find that thinking on this has done so much for me in the last few weeks. It has helped tremendously to take my mind away from the trivial nonsense of the day and the absurdity of my ex.
Where this shall lead I do not know. All I can say or know is that it feels wonderful to smile and have a private knowing.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
my ZEN week
My life feels like I am getting into areas that are uncharted for me. I had a serious moment of reflection about everything that I am doing for a living. This has now expanded to the meeting that I had today.
There seems not to be anything that isn't forcing me to look at things differently.
I have had a year to see what isn't working, and now I need to experience better and better.
My life feels like I am getting into areas that are uncharted for me. I had a serious moment of reflection about everything that I am doing for a living. This has now expanded to the meeting that I had today.
There seems not to be anything that isn't forcing me to look at things differently.
I have had a year to see what isn't working, and now I need to experience better and better.
Friday, November 21, 2008
He sent me this...
It is again midnight here...
what do i do with it, all hanging loose.
as if a tumultuous void...
awaiting the storm.
the mind runs loose and
there are no destinations.
the waiting lingers...
and so does the unending night.
if the poet was born this day,
it was certainly not the most auspicious time.
It is again midnight here...
what do i do with it, all hanging loose.
as if a tumultuous void...
awaiting the storm.
the mind runs loose and
there are no destinations.
the waiting lingers...
and so does the unending night.
if the poet was born this day,
it was certainly not the most auspicious time.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
2008 thoughts
As the year comes to an end, I feel as though I have been giving myself the year to aquaint myself with divorce, and now that I have, I now must go forward in earnest.
I was in my bed, and I was thinking about what I need to do in 2009 and beyond. The way I was thinking about it, had more of a sense of insistance than times past. I found myself asking for concrete answers. These answers I shall post ofline in my diary.
The year has brought such change for me. But what I have learnt most of all, is that, I did not fall apart. I stood right up and began to make something of myself.
I am so fortunate that I have always had my interest at heart, and I have also always had something to do that takes up my passion. That has indeed been helpful
It has also been a year where not getting what you want has been the cautionary tale. On the one hand, I reconnected with someone whom I feel deeply for, but they are hesitant and sending many mixed signals. Then on the other hand, a younger man, a very nice, and handsome guy has been slowly pursuing me, and I do not have those feelings for him.
These mild flirtations have been a helpful salve at a time when old feelings stir up constantly.
It has also been a time for much self reflection. I have had to think on one salary and really, not a salary at all, but savings.Oddly enough, my confronting money in this way has not made me worry more about what I have to do. I understaqnd that there is only so much that can be done, and my objective is to do my best at all times.
I was in my bed, and I was thinking about what I need to do in 2009 and beyond. The way I was thinking about it, had more of a sense of insistance than times past. I found myself asking for concrete answers. These answers I shall post ofline in my diary.
The year has brought such change for me. But what I have learnt most of all, is that, I did not fall apart. I stood right up and began to make something of myself.
I am so fortunate that I have always had my interest at heart, and I have also always had something to do that takes up my passion. That has indeed been helpful
It has also been a year where not getting what you want has been the cautionary tale. On the one hand, I reconnected with someone whom I feel deeply for, but they are hesitant and sending many mixed signals. Then on the other hand, a younger man, a very nice, and handsome guy has been slowly pursuing me, and I do not have those feelings for him.
These mild flirtations have been a helpful salve at a time when old feelings stir up constantly.
It has also been a time for much self reflection. I have had to think on one salary and really, not a salary at all, but savings.Oddly enough, my confronting money in this way has not made me worry more about what I have to do. I understaqnd that there is only so much that can be done, and my objective is to do my best at all times.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
YES, I can
I have been observing how much being positive and optimistic is so very important. In fact, it is more than important, it is necessary to be able to have a good life.
I realise now the sharp contrast between it and thinking negatively.
When you feel good, you can think in a way that frees up so much. When you are negative, you clog up your vision.
The Barack Obama win has done something to me, where I now find myself more mindful of the way that I think and project myself. I am seeing the value of having a goal and going after it. I wake up every day, and incrementally, I see myself moving forward positively.
I was telling my mother a few days ago that I want us to practice every day to see and think the way we want to live and not focus on anything otherwise.
The reason that I am suggesting this, is because, when I think this way, I feel so liberated. When I choose to not take part in negative speculation, I feel as though I am breaking the old molds that life as it was has perpetuated.
Only a few days ago, I saw how distructive it is to worry about money, when what you do in the present is worry for the future that has not been created as yet.
I know that I do not want my child growing up, thniking that her mind is a prison and her life can only go according to limitations set by her surroundings.
Tonight is was brought home again to me, when a friend told me about three people I know who are doing very well on mind alone. These people have very little to show for their success other than pure drive, and that is very admirable indeed.
It is a reminder to nurture your dream.
I realise now the sharp contrast between it and thinking negatively.
When you feel good, you can think in a way that frees up so much. When you are negative, you clog up your vision.
The Barack Obama win has done something to me, where I now find myself more mindful of the way that I think and project myself. I am seeing the value of having a goal and going after it. I wake up every day, and incrementally, I see myself moving forward positively.
I was telling my mother a few days ago that I want us to practice every day to see and think the way we want to live and not focus on anything otherwise.
The reason that I am suggesting this, is because, when I think this way, I feel so liberated. When I choose to not take part in negative speculation, I feel as though I am breaking the old molds that life as it was has perpetuated.
Only a few days ago, I saw how distructive it is to worry about money, when what you do in the present is worry for the future that has not been created as yet.
I know that I do not want my child growing up, thniking that her mind is a prison and her life can only go according to limitations set by her surroundings.
Tonight is was brought home again to me, when a friend told me about three people I know who are doing very well on mind alone. These people have very little to show for their success other than pure drive, and that is very admirable indeed.
It is a reminder to nurture your dream.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Over the last few months I have been much more aware of the answers or I should say, statements that I hear when I am vigilant. Today was a good one. They happen every day and as long as I am listening, I hear something that is always very helpful.
Today it was the fact that it is important to not be caught up in the world.
The media is painting the world as a very scary place with no beauty or joy in it.
You walk outside and you see people smiling and walking with their children, people driving in their cars, and although it is I suppose, necessary to know about the world economic crisis...the world still has to go on, and there is much more to life than all of that.
Of course that is easy to say if you can cover your bills, and not easy to say when you can't.
But as I heard today, there is so much good in the world, still. People helping others in ways that make your heart glad, and that has to be the way to think and to go.
Today it was the fact that it is important to not be caught up in the world.
The media is painting the world as a very scary place with no beauty or joy in it.
You walk outside and you see people smiling and walking with their children, people driving in their cars, and although it is I suppose, necessary to know about the world economic crisis...the world still has to go on, and there is much more to life than all of that.
Of course that is easy to say if you can cover your bills, and not easy to say when you can't.
But as I heard today, there is so much good in the world, still. People helping others in ways that make your heart glad, and that has to be the way to think and to go.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Feeling good
The Obama win has really impacted the world. It is an important moment. I have never experienced anything like that in my lifetime. It was amazing. I love how inspiring he is. He seems really refreshing. You can see that mankind does not have to live in the old constructs, and that passing through them, to a new phase is not only do-able, but essential.
I admire how he stayed focused and controlled, and the way that he transcended race and petty politics.
I love the way that he looks at his wife and his children with obvious, unabashed love and commitment. I love the fact that he is not a cliche. There is so much to read, and read positively about this new leader from America.
The whole world rallied to his aid, everyone in the world seemed to want him to succeed. What a tide of goodwill and support. But also, he in turn, and his team, where able to make us in the world feel better about America and even about ourselves.
Whatever the next four years shall bring, this moment shall never be forgotten, and this shall be least of all because America elected a black president, but because America chose an enlightened leader for all of the peoples of the world to follow.
The Obama win has really impacted the world. It is an important moment. I have never experienced anything like that in my lifetime. It was amazing. I love how inspiring he is. He seems really refreshing. You can see that mankind does not have to live in the old constructs, and that passing through them, to a new phase is not only do-able, but essential.
I admire how he stayed focused and controlled, and the way that he transcended race and petty politics.
I love the way that he looks at his wife and his children with obvious, unabashed love and commitment. I love the fact that he is not a cliche. There is so much to read, and read positively about this new leader from America.
The whole world rallied to his aid, everyone in the world seemed to want him to succeed. What a tide of goodwill and support. But also, he in turn, and his team, where able to make us in the world feel better about America and even about ourselves.
Whatever the next four years shall bring, this moment shall never be forgotten, and this shall be least of all because America elected a black president, but because America chose an enlightened leader for all of the peoples of the world to follow.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I think I got it! By Jove
Another day goes by and as I grow away from the tantrum of Saturday, I realise what I was doing. I know that i was venting, but what did it say about me? I was behaving like a child? I wanted to blame someone for how I was feeling.
Now that I am single again, I realise that when I feel a certain way, I literally have no one to bounce my feeling off of. So naturally, the sound reverberates around me and I am faced with it head on.
What I am doing is simply, "Growing Up!"
Every time that I vent as I have, i am saying that I do not feel in control of my world. I feel unsure about relying on myself.
I would say that that is pretty big growthwise!
When I finally stand in my truth and know that I am all that I need...as I move towards the things that I do want, well, then I will find the need to vent as I have, much less, or at least I will be able to see it for what it is and nip it in the bud.
Another day goes by and as I grow away from the tantrum of Saturday, I realise what I was doing. I know that i was venting, but what did it say about me? I was behaving like a child? I wanted to blame someone for how I was feeling.
Now that I am single again, I realise that when I feel a certain way, I literally have no one to bounce my feeling off of. So naturally, the sound reverberates around me and I am faced with it head on.
What I am doing is simply, "Growing Up!"
Every time that I vent as I have, i am saying that I do not feel in control of my world. I feel unsure about relying on myself.
I would say that that is pretty big growthwise!
When I finally stand in my truth and know that I am all that I need...as I move towards the things that I do want, well, then I will find the need to vent as I have, much less, or at least I will be able to see it for what it is and nip it in the bud.
clarity is the morning
The clear headedness of the morning has me feeling energized. I am listening to myself this morning, and feeling much happier with myself.
What I am getting is this...
This is about you. Make the life that you want for yourself and stop thinking about the things outside of yourself that you cannot and frankly should not control.
This week I think that I shall take my little sweety~pie and have a picnic at the end of the street, under the big tree.
~
I feel much better.
~
The clear headedness of the morning has me feeling energized. I am listening to myself this morning, and feeling much happier with myself.
What I am getting is this...
This is about you. Make the life that you want for yourself and stop thinking about the things outside of yourself that you cannot and frankly should not control.
This week I think that I shall take my little sweety~pie and have a picnic at the end of the street, under the big tree.
~
I feel much better.
~
Saturday, November 1, 2008
remember . . . you choose what you want to experience at all times.
that struck me today, as I was having an emotional time of it. I just set myself off on something that bothered me about my ex a few days ago. I was speaking to my closest friend and the only person whom I confide in, and I got upset.
Naturally there was very little that my friend could say to make me feel any better. In fact to expect him to be able to do so was very selfish of me.
I knew that I could not depend on anything really to make me feel better, other than sitting with the feeling and doing the soul searching, and then this afternoon's visit to the person that does my hair, gave me the answer that I sought.
She was talking about the person who usually does my hair and said the words.
"You are responsible for how you lead your life."
That wrang a bell with me right away.
I am letting myself have these feelings... after all, he just does and acts as he is want to do, and I in turn have my reactions.
I can choose to have the typical reactions, or I can choose to think and act differently.
I am amazed that on the one hand, I can be the person who can shut down something that can be very emotional and move on and on the other hand, I am having so many problems with this situation.
I can think that it is the history. Or maybe it is my ego? Or it can be both!
I really feel rejected, and disliked, and I have a serious problem with feeling that way. I really do like being liked.
I JUST HAVE TO GET OVER THAT! Also maybe I should ask myself, why do I still seek the approval of someone who was unkind to me? That smacks of abuse!
It is very odd for me to be a party to someone who does not treat me well, or as a special, meaningful person in their lives.
This dislike bothers me.
I feel wronged. I was wronged.
I do not even know whether admitting this feeling is helpful? I may just be trodding on the same ground for the millionth time!
I do not think that i am perfect or anything like that, but this sharp separation is still hard for me nearly six months later!
When am I going to heal?
How long is this going to take?
Sheesh!
I did the right thing, I had to get out of the situation. It is that simple.
So what am I beating myself up about this for? Why do I continue to go over this matter?
Yes, I am sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed...yadda,yadda!
I think that I need to do somethings for myself that is off the beaten track, maybe that shall help me get passed all of this silliness.
that struck me today, as I was having an emotional time of it. I just set myself off on something that bothered me about my ex a few days ago. I was speaking to my closest friend and the only person whom I confide in, and I got upset.
Naturally there was very little that my friend could say to make me feel any better. In fact to expect him to be able to do so was very selfish of me.
I knew that I could not depend on anything really to make me feel better, other than sitting with the feeling and doing the soul searching, and then this afternoon's visit to the person that does my hair, gave me the answer that I sought.
She was talking about the person who usually does my hair and said the words.
"You are responsible for how you lead your life."
That wrang a bell with me right away.
I am letting myself have these feelings... after all, he just does and acts as he is want to do, and I in turn have my reactions.
I can choose to have the typical reactions, or I can choose to think and act differently.
I am amazed that on the one hand, I can be the person who can shut down something that can be very emotional and move on and on the other hand, I am having so many problems with this situation.
I can think that it is the history. Or maybe it is my ego? Or it can be both!
I really feel rejected, and disliked, and I have a serious problem with feeling that way. I really do like being liked.
I JUST HAVE TO GET OVER THAT! Also maybe I should ask myself, why do I still seek the approval of someone who was unkind to me? That smacks of abuse!
It is very odd for me to be a party to someone who does not treat me well, or as a special, meaningful person in their lives.
This dislike bothers me.
I feel wronged. I was wronged.
I do not even know whether admitting this feeling is helpful? I may just be trodding on the same ground for the millionth time!
I do not think that i am perfect or anything like that, but this sharp separation is still hard for me nearly six months later!
When am I going to heal?
How long is this going to take?
Sheesh!
I did the right thing, I had to get out of the situation. It is that simple.
So what am I beating myself up about this for? Why do I continue to go over this matter?
Yes, I am sad, disappointed, hurt, betrayed...yadda,yadda!
I think that I need to do somethings for myself that is off the beaten track, maybe that shall help me get passed all of this silliness.
Friday, October 31, 2008
curioser...is life
A few weeks ago I heard from someone whom I have very strong feelings for. I had thought that it may be the start of something very sweet for me. Then, to my surprise, it just did not go as I had hoped.
Yes, the feelings are there, but the will, is not.
It has left me with something that I knew from the start, yet felt a sort of quixotic sense about...it may even also be within me.
On the one hand, you can feel so deeply about a person...yet hold yourself in because the time is just not right.
Then, because you make the choice to not act, you are forced to look at the thing more seriously, you conclude that it is all about you, and you put those feelings away very carefully.
Then one day you are released, unexpectedly and they find you again. You give yourself the permission to dream, but still, you do not dream too much, for the fact that you concluded the last time that it was always about you. Yet, there is that internal smile. Should you hope?
So the game begins, and somehow you are not ready to show all of your cards until you know for sure. The trouble is, they feel the same.
Stalemate.
You have to push past, and you do and then they tell you what you knew before...they can't. They just can't.
It doesn't matter why not.
Thank god that you know that it isn't about you at all. It is about where they are, and what they just simply cannot seem to see.
~
What did I learn?
We say that we want certain things in our lives, we want them so badly that we can feel and see these things before our eyes. Yet there are also those who see as plainly and are too afraid. They are afraid for whatever reason that may be, and there is nothing that can be done for it.
I saw that the first time, and the irony was that I felt that I was the one with so much more to lose.
But I felt it, I saw how afraid happiness felt had left him so vulnerable.
So I thanked him in my note and quickly got into another type of discussion. One where I offered my friendship instead.
I will always remember what if... I shall smile, and I shall remember what I meant to him and he to me.
He is part of my growth as a person.
I will also say this, this then means that whomever the person shall be...what a thing, I know that I shall look on with justified amazement at the beauty.
A few weeks ago I heard from someone whom I have very strong feelings for. I had thought that it may be the start of something very sweet for me. Then, to my surprise, it just did not go as I had hoped.
Yes, the feelings are there, but the will, is not.
It has left me with something that I knew from the start, yet felt a sort of quixotic sense about...it may even also be within me.
On the one hand, you can feel so deeply about a person...yet hold yourself in because the time is just not right.
Then, because you make the choice to not act, you are forced to look at the thing more seriously, you conclude that it is all about you, and you put those feelings away very carefully.
Then one day you are released, unexpectedly and they find you again. You give yourself the permission to dream, but still, you do not dream too much, for the fact that you concluded the last time that it was always about you. Yet, there is that internal smile. Should you hope?
So the game begins, and somehow you are not ready to show all of your cards until you know for sure. The trouble is, they feel the same.
Stalemate.
You have to push past, and you do and then they tell you what you knew before...they can't. They just can't.
It doesn't matter why not.
Thank god that you know that it isn't about you at all. It is about where they are, and what they just simply cannot seem to see.
~
What did I learn?
We say that we want certain things in our lives, we want them so badly that we can feel and see these things before our eyes. Yet there are also those who see as plainly and are too afraid. They are afraid for whatever reason that may be, and there is nothing that can be done for it.
I saw that the first time, and the irony was that I felt that I was the one with so much more to lose.
But I felt it, I saw how afraid happiness felt had left him so vulnerable.
So I thanked him in my note and quickly got into another type of discussion. One where I offered my friendship instead.
I will always remember what if... I shall smile, and I shall remember what I meant to him and he to me.
He is part of my growth as a person.
I will also say this, this then means that whomever the person shall be...what a thing, I know that I shall look on with justified amazement at the beauty.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
what I have learnt so far
A few days ago I got an epiphany as I looked at the picture of some old friends who are happily married and expecting their first child. Naturally I was struck by the pure joy and pride in their faces. I then found my mind wondering to whether I was ever that happy? It took no time for me to be able to recite the list of things that went wrong in my own relationship.
Then it happened, I saw what it was that I felt, saw and knew to be the answer, and it was the oldest cliche in the book...L O V E
That realization struck me so strongly that it went into the next day. I found that I was able to look at the day from that place, and the day was just better for it.
I do not know whether that can be something that I can sustain, or should sustain every day. But I can certainly try.
A few days ago I got an epiphany as I looked at the picture of some old friends who are happily married and expecting their first child. Naturally I was struck by the pure joy and pride in their faces. I then found my mind wondering to whether I was ever that happy? It took no time for me to be able to recite the list of things that went wrong in my own relationship.
Then it happened, I saw what it was that I felt, saw and knew to be the answer, and it was the oldest cliche in the book...L O V E
That realization struck me so strongly that it went into the next day. I found that I was able to look at the day from that place, and the day was just better for it.
I do not know whether that can be something that I can sustain, or should sustain every day. But I can certainly try.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Grateful
I am grateful for life,
grateful for the hugs of my little one
her smile, her cries, her no! I will not.
I am grateful for my work,
my energy,
my experience.
My plans
my dreams
my future before me...
I am grateful to have known real love
when it felt so strong that I felt that I needed nothing more in my life
I am grateful that I have more feelings of happiness than sad
I am grateful for my family and friends
I am grateful for myself as my first friend
It is so easy to forget just how much more there is to be happy and moreso
thankful for.
thankful
full
fullfilled.
grateful.
and further more.....
Today I also felt very sad about my marriage. I am not the first woman to have this happen to her. I should know that feeling sad about this is not unusual or unexpected. Yet whenever I feel this way, I feel embarressed and upset about it. I cannot seem to get past the fact that from time to time it shall feel as though I have not managed to move past the emotions.
I should take a good look at that. It was traumatic, so what do you expect.
It was traumatic!
There, you said it.
A trauma is a trauma. You will find it difficult to transcend just like that. it takes councelling. it takes time. it takes a conscious observation of what it makes you feel. It isn't something that you get over in a weekend.
Perhaps I need to speak with a professional too?
Today I also felt very sad about my marriage. I am not the first woman to have this happen to her. I should know that feeling sad about this is not unusual or unexpected. Yet whenever I feel this way, I feel embarressed and upset about it. I cannot seem to get past the fact that from time to time it shall feel as though I have not managed to move past the emotions.
I should take a good look at that. It was traumatic, so what do you expect.
It was traumatic!
There, you said it.
A trauma is a trauma. You will find it difficult to transcend just like that. it takes councelling. it takes time. it takes a conscious observation of what it makes you feel. It isn't something that you get over in a weekend.
Perhaps I need to speak with a professional too?
money,money, money
I had a money moment today that I have to unravel and solve here, once and for all. I have found that I am worried about money in an unhealthy, unrealistic way. On the one hand, my concerns are reasonable, in that, I know how much I spend monthly, and I know where my taste is extravagent...I prefer buying cauliflower from America than the local type because I eat it raw, for example.
I just got a part time job and I am very sensitive about my savings after spending a great deal of it on survival over the last year and a half.
Why I feel this way, has to do with something that I want to buy for myself. The item is something that I have wanted for three years, that the designer has made especially for me. It cost a bit more than I expected. In fact it cost twice what I was expecting and I was surprised. I wondered whether it was too much, and I should nix getting it after all.
I reminded myself that I am working on a number of things that shall bring in money for myself, and that I should not be afraid to buy things.
I suppose that what I am saying is that I am concerned about going below my limit for how much further I want to dip into my savings. I know that I shall be able to go in the other direction in a few months, that of putting money back into my account instead of spending from it.
i can very proudly say that I have not touched my credit card since I decided not to, since May. I have the disciplne. I have never really been ridiculous with money. It is just that this is the first time that I am in this particular position as mother, divorcee, part-time worker and full time artist. So I am mindful of what I want to achieve and what is happening.
This has nothing to do with the world financial crisis, as I know from experiencing recessions, that money can still be made. It is a matter of creative will to see things from a position of abundance no matter what the perceived outcome around you.
I think that I simply needed to write down my concerns. Now that I have, I feel alot better.
My intentions are still sound, as money comes in, as much of that that I can afford to put back towards my savings, I will.
I have also decided that I shall hold off on putting money into a money market account until I can hear a bit more about what is happening with such investments here, and the world stock exchange settles down.
I was feeling as though I am spending, spending, spending and not seeing savings. That was my concern. But I must remind myself that earning and saving is very much in my ability to do. i can do it, and I will do it. So there is nothing to fear.
My ability has helped me to survive through a divorce. My good financial planning has helped me through the last two years. I have alot to be proud of in myself.
I had a money moment today that I have to unravel and solve here, once and for all. I have found that I am worried about money in an unhealthy, unrealistic way. On the one hand, my concerns are reasonable, in that, I know how much I spend monthly, and I know where my taste is extravagent...I prefer buying cauliflower from America than the local type because I eat it raw, for example.
I just got a part time job and I am very sensitive about my savings after spending a great deal of it on survival over the last year and a half.
Why I feel this way, has to do with something that I want to buy for myself. The item is something that I have wanted for three years, that the designer has made especially for me. It cost a bit more than I expected. In fact it cost twice what I was expecting and I was surprised. I wondered whether it was too much, and I should nix getting it after all.
I reminded myself that I am working on a number of things that shall bring in money for myself, and that I should not be afraid to buy things.
I suppose that what I am saying is that I am concerned about going below my limit for how much further I want to dip into my savings. I know that I shall be able to go in the other direction in a few months, that of putting money back into my account instead of spending from it.
i can very proudly say that I have not touched my credit card since I decided not to, since May. I have the disciplne. I have never really been ridiculous with money. It is just that this is the first time that I am in this particular position as mother, divorcee, part-time worker and full time artist. So I am mindful of what I want to achieve and what is happening.
This has nothing to do with the world financial crisis, as I know from experiencing recessions, that money can still be made. It is a matter of creative will to see things from a position of abundance no matter what the perceived outcome around you.
I think that I simply needed to write down my concerns. Now that I have, I feel alot better.
My intentions are still sound, as money comes in, as much of that that I can afford to put back towards my savings, I will.
I have also decided that I shall hold off on putting money into a money market account until I can hear a bit more about what is happening with such investments here, and the world stock exchange settles down.
I was feeling as though I am spending, spending, spending and not seeing savings. That was my concern. But I must remind myself that earning and saving is very much in my ability to do. i can do it, and I will do it. So there is nothing to fear.
My ability has helped me to survive through a divorce. My good financial planning has helped me through the last two years. I have alot to be proud of in myself.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Something I said to a friend of mine today has resonated with me, for me.
Life is an illusion, so you better make your illusion good for you.
Sometimes I think that it takes so long to learn what is necessary, that by the time the information comes, it may be too late. But I also know better. If you really want certain things in your life, you set them out mentally first.
We had a really good talk. We had not had a true heart to heart in some time. We have both been extremely busy, and although we try to talk every few days, sometimes things get the better of us.
Life is an illusion, so you better make your illusion good for you.
Sometimes I think that it takes so long to learn what is necessary, that by the time the information comes, it may be too late. But I also know better. If you really want certain things in your life, you set them out mentally first.
We had a really good talk. We had not had a true heart to heart in some time. We have both been extremely busy, and although we try to talk every few days, sometimes things get the better of us.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The world is still good
In many ways, since I was a child, I have found that as I got older, many aspects of life seemed to get worse. I remember very, very little crime on my island. I remember feeling very safe to play outside.
The economic downturn has made me look at what has been good about the world, and the sense of entitlement that most of us feel. Thinking differently has met us and we cannot turn back to old ways anymore.
What would have happened if most of us were happy with the first cellphone model, or the first computer? Naturally we all want to do better, look better, get better. No one can put the Genie back in the bottle. But I could not help but wonder about the things that one thinks is needed to have a good life.
When I was in my twenties, I made a list of the things that I would need to have my own home. If I made a list of twenty things, eighteen of them were appliances and high technology. I remember being quite stunned about that.
I remember looking at the list and finding it very unfortunate that after a bed, chairs,stove, everything else looked like things you could not do without...yet once, obviously, we did do without.
I think that it was then that I began to look at all of the consumer things that we all feel we just must have! We must have them, now!
This year I looked at my own money, realising more acutely that you must put a price on how much you spend in a month, months and a year. Then you look at it all over again in another year. You find yourself spending much more than you realise, and you feel bad when you decide not to buy that magazine, but you go ahead and buy the dress.
Also, you can spend your money much faster then you can make it last, if you do not become cognizant that.
But as I stated before, I have been looking at life a bit differently lately. You want certain things, and ultimately you want to be happy.
But you know that being happy isn't necessarily about money. It is giving my little one a piggy back, or walking with her in the garden. That makes me very happy.
Happy is knowing that I can have a lovely house, but filling it with the laughter of friends makes it a home.
So much happiness gets compromised because of all the work to get the time to 'be' happy.
When do we finally get off the treadmill?
What do we really want?
Do we even understand it when we get it?
This was my problem with my ex-husband. I found that he never seemed to exhale and be happy. he was always finding something worthy of delaying satisfaction for. He claimed that he was happy, until that fateful day when he finally looked at me and said that he was unhappy.
I look at people in their cars, and walking with their children or lovers, and what is this world? What is this life? So much of it is routine and what do we really think we feel, or want to feel?
What is happiness when that day lasts and lasts for more than a few hours?
I want to come back to this thought again very soon. I have much more to say, but for now, I shall end here.
In many ways, since I was a child, I have found that as I got older, many aspects of life seemed to get worse. I remember very, very little crime on my island. I remember feeling very safe to play outside.
The economic downturn has made me look at what has been good about the world, and the sense of entitlement that most of us feel. Thinking differently has met us and we cannot turn back to old ways anymore.
What would have happened if most of us were happy with the first cellphone model, or the first computer? Naturally we all want to do better, look better, get better. No one can put the Genie back in the bottle. But I could not help but wonder about the things that one thinks is needed to have a good life.
When I was in my twenties, I made a list of the things that I would need to have my own home. If I made a list of twenty things, eighteen of them were appliances and high technology. I remember being quite stunned about that.
I remember looking at the list and finding it very unfortunate that after a bed, chairs,stove, everything else looked like things you could not do without...yet once, obviously, we did do without.
I think that it was then that I began to look at all of the consumer things that we all feel we just must have! We must have them, now!
This year I looked at my own money, realising more acutely that you must put a price on how much you spend in a month, months and a year. Then you look at it all over again in another year. You find yourself spending much more than you realise, and you feel bad when you decide not to buy that magazine, but you go ahead and buy the dress.
Also, you can spend your money much faster then you can make it last, if you do not become cognizant that.
But as I stated before, I have been looking at life a bit differently lately. You want certain things, and ultimately you want to be happy.
But you know that being happy isn't necessarily about money. It is giving my little one a piggy back, or walking with her in the garden. That makes me very happy.
Happy is knowing that I can have a lovely house, but filling it with the laughter of friends makes it a home.
So much happiness gets compromised because of all the work to get the time to 'be' happy.
When do we finally get off the treadmill?
What do we really want?
Do we even understand it when we get it?
This was my problem with my ex-husband. I found that he never seemed to exhale and be happy. he was always finding something worthy of delaying satisfaction for. He claimed that he was happy, until that fateful day when he finally looked at me and said that he was unhappy.
I look at people in their cars, and walking with their children or lovers, and what is this world? What is this life? So much of it is routine and what do we really think we feel, or want to feel?
What is happiness when that day lasts and lasts for more than a few hours?
I want to come back to this thought again very soon. I have much more to say, but for now, I shall end here.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
LOVE is the answer
Last night, the third debate between Senator Obama and Senator McCain had an unexpected energizing effect on me. The words of Senator Obama, the confidence he expoused to the American people, made me think and moreso, see that confidence is a large part of being able to move forward in uncertain times.
You do need to rally people around you who are of like mind, and with cold, hard facts and a bit of creative thinking and determination, you can actually see your way.
This morning, my plans have more certainty for me. I have marked 2012 as the date for me to have the home that I want. That date has actually helped me to feel an optimism that was not there before. I can now plan with much more certainty. I can get a sense of what it would cost, icluding the fact that I also need a car. A number of things have actually now alighned themselves in a way that i do not feel anxious about them. In the past I would have started putting down in my mind a number of possible road blocks on my way to my goal. But now, I can think about my plans without sabotaging them.
Lately I find that I have been looking more analytically at the challenges that come to me, from the standpoint of "what is the blessing here?" How can this moment that appears negative be actually beneficial for me?
Doing that helps put many things into a better perspective and reminds me not to take life too seriously. There is so much more to be thankful for than not, that it would be extremely stupid to spend my life wishing I could have done better, when better is a day to day process.
I feel alot of love.
Last night, the third debate between Senator Obama and Senator McCain had an unexpected energizing effect on me. The words of Senator Obama, the confidence he expoused to the American people, made me think and moreso, see that confidence is a large part of being able to move forward in uncertain times.
You do need to rally people around you who are of like mind, and with cold, hard facts and a bit of creative thinking and determination, you can actually see your way.
This morning, my plans have more certainty for me. I have marked 2012 as the date for me to have the home that I want. That date has actually helped me to feel an optimism that was not there before. I can now plan with much more certainty. I can get a sense of what it would cost, icluding the fact that I also need a car. A number of things have actually now alighned themselves in a way that i do not feel anxious about them. In the past I would have started putting down in my mind a number of possible road blocks on my way to my goal. But now, I can think about my plans without sabotaging them.
Lately I find that I have been looking more analytically at the challenges that come to me, from the standpoint of "what is the blessing here?" How can this moment that appears negative be actually beneficial for me?
Doing that helps put many things into a better perspective and reminds me not to take life too seriously. There is so much more to be thankful for than not, that it would be extremely stupid to spend my life wishing I could have done better, when better is a day to day process.
I feel alot of love.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
my own take on my finances
When I was leaving high school for the real world of work, there was a recession. Then when I was leaving college for the real world of work, there was another one. You never forget them. In fact they unwittingly inform your life forever.
It makes you very cautious. It also makes you feel that when there is money, that you have some entitlements. So you have the tendency to say that you want some things like a spoilt child.
In my life, I have lived with my parents more than once. I was thinking about that last night. I have been in situations where I have had no job, and had to rely on others.
I realise that I have spent much of my adult life not expecting much for my effort because of the financial challenges that I have faced. I have been on the ground floor with businesses where I did not see a profit.
Now, I have been reading about money much more over the last few years, and I have seen my investments work for me during my divorce. So I know that I am a very good saver, and I can make things happen for myself.
I have come a long way from feeling that I would not have anything, to doing very well, to starting over. I have been able to look at money differently, and it took some doing. But I was able to do it.
Today I make plans and I make arrangements for where my money should go on a consistent basis. I read the fine print and I ask the relevant questions.
Before I had to spend my money on a lawyer and on relocating, I had planned on shifting some of my diversified portfolio. All of my money can be tapped at a moments notice.
Today, my money isn't what it was at the beginning of the year, but I have a plan of action about it in the next several months and years to come.
One very good thing is that I do not have very pressing needs. One cannot avoid spending money, and I know that my tastes can be high where food is concerned. I spend on that, and on my little one.
Of course I think about getting a car and having a house, and I am looking at what those things shall cost me.
I am also looking at other ways to make money too, so that saving can be accelerated.
Overall, I am being proactive and thinking about how to make things happen for myself, and I know that this is a long distance race and not a sprint finish.
I have a good attitude about it all, and ultimately I am doing everything that I am doing for my daughter to be comfortable in her life, with comfort in mine as well.
In the next few months I shall be looking at ways to invest a little bit of my money, say ten thousand dollars, diversified in a few high yeild funds. Funds that may now have to adjust themselves because of the world economic crisis.
I had thought that I should have invested at the time that I got a small windfall of money, but now I think that I was very fortunate to not have done that as yet, and instead done some homework on all of the funds.
Now that no one knows where the bottom is, and we are unsure about what will happen next, it is important to have some patience.
When I was leaving high school for the real world of work, there was a recession. Then when I was leaving college for the real world of work, there was another one. You never forget them. In fact they unwittingly inform your life forever.
It makes you very cautious. It also makes you feel that when there is money, that you have some entitlements. So you have the tendency to say that you want some things like a spoilt child.
In my life, I have lived with my parents more than once. I was thinking about that last night. I have been in situations where I have had no job, and had to rely on others.
I realise that I have spent much of my adult life not expecting much for my effort because of the financial challenges that I have faced. I have been on the ground floor with businesses where I did not see a profit.
Now, I have been reading about money much more over the last few years, and I have seen my investments work for me during my divorce. So I know that I am a very good saver, and I can make things happen for myself.
I have come a long way from feeling that I would not have anything, to doing very well, to starting over. I have been able to look at money differently, and it took some doing. But I was able to do it.
Today I make plans and I make arrangements for where my money should go on a consistent basis. I read the fine print and I ask the relevant questions.
Before I had to spend my money on a lawyer and on relocating, I had planned on shifting some of my diversified portfolio. All of my money can be tapped at a moments notice.
Today, my money isn't what it was at the beginning of the year, but I have a plan of action about it in the next several months and years to come.
One very good thing is that I do not have very pressing needs. One cannot avoid spending money, and I know that my tastes can be high where food is concerned. I spend on that, and on my little one.
Of course I think about getting a car and having a house, and I am looking at what those things shall cost me.
I am also looking at other ways to make money too, so that saving can be accelerated.
Overall, I am being proactive and thinking about how to make things happen for myself, and I know that this is a long distance race and not a sprint finish.
I have a good attitude about it all, and ultimately I am doing everything that I am doing for my daughter to be comfortable in her life, with comfort in mine as well.
In the next few months I shall be looking at ways to invest a little bit of my money, say ten thousand dollars, diversified in a few high yeild funds. Funds that may now have to adjust themselves because of the world economic crisis.
I had thought that I should have invested at the time that I got a small windfall of money, but now I think that I was very fortunate to not have done that as yet, and instead done some homework on all of the funds.
Now that no one knows where the bottom is, and we are unsure about what will happen next, it is important to have some patience.
Friday, October 10, 2008
The financial global crisis is so unfathomable, and is imploding so fast that from one moment to the next , it is difficult to know just how to react to it. Every hour CNN keeps reporting another meltdown.
Yet, this is also a time, as someone on BBC radio put it, to...
* have your wits about you.
*project an air of strength
* be able to project a sense of confidence and an understanding that "this too shall pass"
* Act decisively
I was very happy to hear that. It is also a guide for life. It is inaction, panic, fear and rage that keeps you stuck when everything seems to be careening out of wack. It is so necessary to see it for what it is, even if it is happening to you very directly and you do not know what to do. You have to find it inside yourself to know with certainty that you can and will go on.
What is difficult is getting past the raw feelings that take you into a whirlwind of emotions. You feel stuck, you fel paralyzed to act. Then when you do, you feel out of control and scared to make mistakes, so then you do exactly that.
This is important to know how to really act, because these things come at you when you expect it least.
Yet, this is also a time, as someone on BBC radio put it, to...
* have your wits about you.
*project an air of strength
* be able to project a sense of confidence and an understanding that "this too shall pass"
* Act decisively
I was very happy to hear that. It is also a guide for life. It is inaction, panic, fear and rage that keeps you stuck when everything seems to be careening out of wack. It is so necessary to see it for what it is, even if it is happening to you very directly and you do not know what to do. You have to find it inside yourself to know with certainty that you can and will go on.
What is difficult is getting past the raw feelings that take you into a whirlwind of emotions. You feel stuck, you fel paralyzed to act. Then when you do, you feel out of control and scared to make mistakes, so then you do exactly that.
This is important to know how to really act, because these things come at you when you expect it least.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
When my ex came to collect our child today, I felt myself go into a bit of a funk. Of course I knew he would come, and of course he has all right. But I still felt upset. I decided to sit with the feeling, something that I am doing more and more and finding it very good to do.
When I did this, I focused on his personality, and that was very helpful. It made me see that his behaviour is a-typical, and it is foolish to react to something that I should expect.
I was very satisfied that what could have gone on and on, as a dull ache, was something tht I could instead feel, acknowledge and move past quickly.
When I did this, I focused on his personality, and that was very helpful. It made me see that his behaviour is a-typical, and it is foolish to react to something that I should expect.
I was very satisfied that what could have gone on and on, as a dull ache, was something tht I could instead feel, acknowledge and move past quickly.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Just feel
Yesterday my mother was very rude to me and I had an unusual reaction to what she said. First of all, I did not take what she said very seriously. She was being deliberately nasty. To me, this came out of nowhere. One moment she was talking normally, the next, she was venting at me.
But what made this moment different, was that I saw it not only from the outside, looking in, but also from the place of the hurt itself.
I decided to feel the pain, to observe it, as though it were an object.
In doing so, I felt what I was observing (abstractly) was to feel the word HURT,and it proved to be a funny thing.
When you confront it, it becomes less about the feeling you think it is. In fact, in a way, it is not a real feeling at all, but an action.
So I studied what it was I was experiencing, and I decided, and this is the key thing, I chose to just allow the feeling it's moment.
For me that was big. I have a tendency to feel emotional. I seem to take things personally a lot, and I am quite fed up with myself for that. I am hurt, and I am upset, and i feel wronged and I am shocked and I, and I and I...please, get over yourself already!
So, the ability to take myself out of the argument and to decide that the hurt was just an identifyer for the moment, was without question, huge for me.
To call the word, an action, I was then able to choose a different response for myself. I no longer then said (I feel hurt) instead I saw, hurt in action, and thus, something that appeared, was present and would dissipate shortly.
So, I literally gave the word it's (attention) like a fish might observe a human being swimming around in its natural habitat. There is a bit of detatchment, and no real meaning given to it, and guess what....the sting is removed completely!
Can I do this every time? i do not know, but it felt very liberating to be able to think this way.
Yesterday my mother was very rude to me and I had an unusual reaction to what she said. First of all, I did not take what she said very seriously. She was being deliberately nasty. To me, this came out of nowhere. One moment she was talking normally, the next, she was venting at me.
But what made this moment different, was that I saw it not only from the outside, looking in, but also from the place of the hurt itself.
I decided to feel the pain, to observe it, as though it were an object.
In doing so, I felt what I was observing (abstractly) was to feel the word HURT,and it proved to be a funny thing.
When you confront it, it becomes less about the feeling you think it is. In fact, in a way, it is not a real feeling at all, but an action.
So I studied what it was I was experiencing, and I decided, and this is the key thing, I chose to just allow the feeling it's moment.
For me that was big. I have a tendency to feel emotional. I seem to take things personally a lot, and I am quite fed up with myself for that. I am hurt, and I am upset, and i feel wronged and I am shocked and I, and I and I...please, get over yourself already!
So, the ability to take myself out of the argument and to decide that the hurt was just an identifyer for the moment, was without question, huge for me.
To call the word, an action, I was then able to choose a different response for myself. I no longer then said (I feel hurt) instead I saw, hurt in action, and thus, something that appeared, was present and would dissipate shortly.
So, I literally gave the word it's (attention) like a fish might observe a human being swimming around in its natural habitat. There is a bit of detatchment, and no real meaning given to it, and guess what....the sting is removed completely!
Can I do this every time? i do not know, but it felt very liberating to be able to think this way.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Seeing that love is real
Looking at the vice presidential debate tonight, and going back and forth between rooms, putting my little one to sleep...the world has been so topsy-turvy this year! So much has gone on for me, for it seems everyone I know! Yet, with a possible world recession that may be on par with saying World War III, I stand, at least at this moment in a moment of perfect peace.
I can say this definitively because I feel the loving arms of my darling girl.
It is not a small thing.
It is a huge thing.
I want to honor her in my small way, here in this blog.
There are so many things that cause one's head to dramatically turn in every direction, wondering what is real, what is best? What to do?
Then my girl says to me, Mummy, sit here and I will sit here, and she wants us to just enjoy the wind and the chairs and the stillness, and I am reminded that I have not lost love but gained it...but, guess what, I also have it always.
Looking at the vice presidential debate tonight, and going back and forth between rooms, putting my little one to sleep...the world has been so topsy-turvy this year! So much has gone on for me, for it seems everyone I know! Yet, with a possible world recession that may be on par with saying World War III, I stand, at least at this moment in a moment of perfect peace.
I can say this definitively because I feel the loving arms of my darling girl.
It is not a small thing.
It is a huge thing.
I want to honor her in my small way, here in this blog.
There are so many things that cause one's head to dramatically turn in every direction, wondering what is real, what is best? What to do?
Then my girl says to me, Mummy, sit here and I will sit here, and she wants us to just enjoy the wind and the chairs and the stillness, and I am reminded that I have not lost love but gained it...but, guess what, I also have it always.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A blog post from a friend that says it best about life
Celebrating life
Pass the chocolate, today I'm celebrating life. You might remember, today is the day, I don't dwell on it, or spend too much time agonising, it's over and she would've wanted me to go on living happy. Today I choose to celebrate my mother and Helen's life as well. Gone too soon, she's left behind a loving husband and three kids who will have to go on without her.
This could be a piece where I rail against cancer or unfeeling authorities who keep us in this state but I won't. Sixteen years later, I'd rather celebrate my mother who was a really great lady; who loved her family, who worked many hours a day to keep us fed, clothed and educated. My mother who stayed up late to sew clothes, bake cakes for school bake sales, finish work that she brought home . Sally, who put up with my father's rages, his cheating and his lies. I don't know why she did, but she did and died unhappily in a hospital after suffering for years. But she would have done anything to make sure my brother was okay and taken care of, she was kind and considerate to her parents, at work she was considered the best. For twenty years she worked for the same company, through their good times and bad; in return when she got ill they kept her job open for her, until almost the very end when we all knew she wasn't going back. And then, as a mark of their respect for her, they made sure that her affairs were looked after so that we didn't have to. I still remember her work friends crying at the funeral and the huge arrangement of flowers with her beloved orchids, the kind note from the boss's wife.
Ironically, it was through death that I got to know Helen; she was the lawyer who helped wind up my father's affairs after he died. My friend Carrie worked with her and asked her to help, she was a dream. I'd seen her around, we used to play mas in the same band and she and her husband visited the bookstore that I hung out in. We all got to know each other pretty well and over the years we dipped in and out of each other's lives. They were obviously in love, they had kids, Helen pregnant had a large stomach otherwise maintaining her rake thin figure. We all envied her like crazy. Always pleasant we shared some good laughs; I found her to be an intensely private person, devoted to her family and her job. Like my mom she was extremely well respected at work, highly spoken of by colleagues and clients alike.
It's easy to get bogged down in all the negativity in life instead of celebrating what we have. There's an exercise we do as part our team building exercises. Everybody is encouraged to think of three good or new things and share them with the rest of the team. It's amazing how hard people find it come up with three things. Everybody looks for grandiose stuff but really, it's a great way not to discount the good things that happen in our lives. Try and see what you come up with. For all my "angry" blogs, I'm really not wedded to the idea of being angry all the time. I'd rather have a good laugh with my friends, sit and look at the ocean, pet my dog and poke fun at the X-man; it's much better and a heck of a lot more fun.
Look at yourself today, are you hanging on to baggage; are you living on what ifs and maybes? Are you waiting for tomorrow to do all that stuff that you want to do? Are you dwelling in the past, rehashing every failed moment without learning from the experience? Do you beat yourself over your head with all the negative things that people say and do to you? Why accept this as how it should be. Live your life for yourself, don't allow other people to define you. Seize the moment and live in the now. After all, yesterday is a memory, tomorrow an unfulfilled promise, today is all you have.
Pass the chocolate, today I'm celebrating life. You might remember, today is the day, I don't dwell on it, or spend too much time agonising, it's over and she would've wanted me to go on living happy. Today I choose to celebrate my mother and Helen's life as well. Gone too soon, she's left behind a loving husband and three kids who will have to go on without her.
This could be a piece where I rail against cancer or unfeeling authorities who keep us in this state but I won't. Sixteen years later, I'd rather celebrate my mother who was a really great lady; who loved her family, who worked many hours a day to keep us fed, clothed and educated. My mother who stayed up late to sew clothes, bake cakes for school bake sales, finish work that she brought home . Sally, who put up with my father's rages, his cheating and his lies. I don't know why she did, but she did and died unhappily in a hospital after suffering for years. But she would have done anything to make sure my brother was okay and taken care of, she was kind and considerate to her parents, at work she was considered the best. For twenty years she worked for the same company, through their good times and bad; in return when she got ill they kept her job open for her, until almost the very end when we all knew she wasn't going back. And then, as a mark of their respect for her, they made sure that her affairs were looked after so that we didn't have to. I still remember her work friends crying at the funeral and the huge arrangement of flowers with her beloved orchids, the kind note from the boss's wife.
Ironically, it was through death that I got to know Helen; she was the lawyer who helped wind up my father's affairs after he died. My friend Carrie worked with her and asked her to help, she was a dream. I'd seen her around, we used to play mas in the same band and she and her husband visited the bookstore that I hung out in. We all got to know each other pretty well and over the years we dipped in and out of each other's lives. They were obviously in love, they had kids, Helen pregnant had a large stomach otherwise maintaining her rake thin figure. We all envied her like crazy. Always pleasant we shared some good laughs; I found her to be an intensely private person, devoted to her family and her job. Like my mom she was extremely well respected at work, highly spoken of by colleagues and clients alike.
It's easy to get bogged down in all the negativity in life instead of celebrating what we have. There's an exercise we do as part our team building exercises. Everybody is encouraged to think of three good or new things and share them with the rest of the team. It's amazing how hard people find it come up with three things. Everybody looks for grandiose stuff but really, it's a great way not to discount the good things that happen in our lives. Try and see what you come up with. For all my "angry" blogs, I'm really not wedded to the idea of being angry all the time. I'd rather have a good laugh with my friends, sit and look at the ocean, pet my dog and poke fun at the X-man; it's much better and a heck of a lot more fun.
Look at yourself today, are you hanging on to baggage; are you living on what ifs and maybes? Are you waiting for tomorrow to do all that stuff that you want to do? Are you dwelling in the past, rehashing every failed moment without learning from the experience? Do you beat yourself over your head with all the negative things that people say and do to you? Why accept this as how it should be. Live your life for yourself, don't allow other people to define you. Seize the moment and live in the now. After all, yesterday is a memory, tomorrow an unfulfilled promise, today is all you have.
A dose of cold water WAKE-UP
I was thinking about my ex, and as I stated yesterday, I was feeling down. But in the light of day, with a little sleep, I can see things a bit differently.
If my relationship was good, then I would not be talking about him as an ex. We would have been able to work out whatever it was that was conflicting to us. He would have viewed the situation that he felt was intenable from a place of sharing issues with his partner. instead he behaved like a dictator and still does.
If everything was so rosy, then we would have had the mechanisms in place to support whatever we planned, even if we had divergent views, which we did. He would not have tried to use low tactics and lies to get what he wanted in the divorce and he would not be still trying to get me upset at every turn.
Today, my sober reaction is where I should be right now. But I know that because I was with him for all of my adult life, I will fall back from time to time.
I was thinking about my ex, and as I stated yesterday, I was feeling down. But in the light of day, with a little sleep, I can see things a bit differently.
If my relationship was good, then I would not be talking about him as an ex. We would have been able to work out whatever it was that was conflicting to us. He would have viewed the situation that he felt was intenable from a place of sharing issues with his partner. instead he behaved like a dictator and still does.
If everything was so rosy, then we would have had the mechanisms in place to support whatever we planned, even if we had divergent views, which we did. He would not have tried to use low tactics and lies to get what he wanted in the divorce and he would not be still trying to get me upset at every turn.
Today, my sober reaction is where I should be right now. But I know that because I was with him for all of my adult life, I will fall back from time to time.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Will poor me ever leave me in peace?
Today I had a moment of great unhappiness with my ex-husband. I was hoping that he was making the decision to go, as he said. But it turned out that he is only going away for a week. I filled my thoughts with his laughing face and some pretty girl. But really, whether that is true or not, he still manages to upset me.
My friends say that I must ignore him at all cost, as he is deliberately trying to upset me.
When we were married, I would ask him, why was it that he found being nasty so easy and nice, so difficult? Why can't I just let him go?
answer:
He has been the only man whom you have been with for over twenty years, clearly it is not easy to just adjust to such a big seperation.
Also remember that every time you interact with him, he interacts with you in the same engagement of wills.
He asked me to email him, then he didn't respond and when I spoke to him about it, he tells me that his lawyer shall contact me.
He's being a dick, basically.
Tonight I just decided that I really have to consciously let it go. Much like the control I wanted to have over my pregnancy, and many other things in my life. I have to let what I would like to see here, go.
I cannot seem to have any level of hope on this matter.
What I must do though, is to be very clear about what I must do for my daughter and I, and that is starting to happen.
I just have to walk on.
Today I had a moment of great unhappiness with my ex-husband. I was hoping that he was making the decision to go, as he said. But it turned out that he is only going away for a week. I filled my thoughts with his laughing face and some pretty girl. But really, whether that is true or not, he still manages to upset me.
My friends say that I must ignore him at all cost, as he is deliberately trying to upset me.
When we were married, I would ask him, why was it that he found being nasty so easy and nice, so difficult? Why can't I just let him go?
answer:
He has been the only man whom you have been with for over twenty years, clearly it is not easy to just adjust to such a big seperation.
Also remember that every time you interact with him, he interacts with you in the same engagement of wills.
He asked me to email him, then he didn't respond and when I spoke to him about it, he tells me that his lawyer shall contact me.
He's being a dick, basically.
Tonight I just decided that I really have to consciously let it go. Much like the control I wanted to have over my pregnancy, and many other things in my life. I have to let what I would like to see here, go.
I cannot seem to have any level of hope on this matter.
What I must do though, is to be very clear about what I must do for my daughter and I, and that is starting to happen.
I just have to walk on.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Focus ONLY on what you want~
We decide to be friends. We call each other, and we care about what the other is doing. We discuss our child and come to decisions easily. Our relationship is so much better that we can laugh at things and discuss things that concern us without weighing every little thing said.
We decide to be friends. We call each other, and we care about what the other is doing. We discuss our child and come to decisions easily. Our relationship is so much better that we can laugh at things and discuss things that concern us without weighing every little thing said.
Now that he has admitted to me that he shall be leaving, I found myself speaking to him from a position of power. This of course comes from the fact that I shall have our daughter all the time, and he shall not. He has not spoken to me about any of his plans, now that the decision is final, and I realised today that he is not as confident as he appears. He seemed tired and resigned. But he is just so committed to being the heavy, that he cannot seem to be anything else.
I understand what he is going through because I felt that way for so long myself. I could not get past being upset with him. To me, my feelings are still justified, but in this instant, there are no winners, just bad feelings all around.
I understand what he is going through because I felt that way for so long myself. I could not get past being upset with him. To me, my feelings are still justified, but in this instant, there are no winners, just bad feelings all around.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
New Job
I started a new job yesterday. I am extremely fortunate. I get to go out to work once a week to keep my hand in teaching and I get to spend the rest of time with my child. I cannot complain.
There is a great deal to be done at the school, and I can see several ways that I can make a positive impact.
One of the things that is good about this move is that it has energised my other projects considerably. I now feel a greater need to see my other obligations through, and to really find the best way to get the things that I need to get done, done.
There is a great deal to be done at the school, and I can see several ways that I can make a positive impact.
One of the things that is good about this move is that it has energised my other projects considerably. I now feel a greater need to see my other obligations through, and to really find the best way to get the things that I need to get done, done.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Always something to contemplate
Yesterday an old friend dropped by and I was struck by my feelings towards something she said. I checked myself and realized that I felt that way because I feel stuck in one place. It is funny, how you could be doing many things, and feel very good about it, and then someone else can be the barometre for you to check yourself. So today I took the opportunity to feel the way I would really like to feel.
I know the answer isn't to get into some high paced, energy draining job. My job is my Art. What I need to do, is to start seeing some financial success for what I create.
Yesterday an old friend dropped by and I was struck by my feelings towards something she said. I checked myself and realized that I felt that way because I feel stuck in one place. It is funny, how you could be doing many things, and feel very good about it, and then someone else can be the barometre for you to check yourself. So today I took the opportunity to feel the way I would really like to feel.
I know the answer isn't to get into some high paced, energy draining job. My job is my Art. What I need to do, is to start seeing some financial success for what I create.
Friday, July 18, 2008
new joys
In a few hours I would have sent work off to be exhibited and I would have exhibited another body of work, with sketches for a third show. I am in my element, doing the work that I want to do. But most exciting of all, I am making things that I want to see, and I am doing the work that I want to be doing.
This new technique is alot more dexterous, and there is a great deal of concentration on form. I am looking forward to adding more sturdy materials to the repertoire that I am presently working with, and to include artisans in what I am doing.
For the first time, I can see a straight thread through all that I am doing, and I feel a real buzz about it. In a way that I have not quite felt before. I always love my work, but this time, I see my ideas stretching into the horizon without any completely defined form, yet, clearly focused on expanding what I am creating now, and I love how that feels.
The energy that I have been wondering how to dispel, is finally being channeled as it should. I should have been writing about it here actually, but I did so offline. I had been having real issues with the occasional missing of sexual love in my life, and wondering how to handle it. When a relationship comes to an end, or at least my relationship, I have not been able to turn off my own feelings. Naturally I have my pride and my ego is bruised, so I keep everything bottled in and to myself. But I would be lying if I said that I did not miss intimacy.
I have been through so much for me, and I am learning every day, a bit about myself, my needs, my decision making, my hopes. It has been interesting to watch my own growth along with my little sweetheart.I am so happy to have her in my life. She brings me out of myself, and as a Cancer, it seems that that whole sheltered crab thing is true.
Again, I am happy to be finding my feet and to creating. I have never stopped, but now, I am more excited than ever to work on what I love.
This new technique is alot more dexterous, and there is a great deal of concentration on form. I am looking forward to adding more sturdy materials to the repertoire that I am presently working with, and to include artisans in what I am doing.
For the first time, I can see a straight thread through all that I am doing, and I feel a real buzz about it. In a way that I have not quite felt before. I always love my work, but this time, I see my ideas stretching into the horizon without any completely defined form, yet, clearly focused on expanding what I am creating now, and I love how that feels.
The energy that I have been wondering how to dispel, is finally being channeled as it should. I should have been writing about it here actually, but I did so offline. I had been having real issues with the occasional missing of sexual love in my life, and wondering how to handle it. When a relationship comes to an end, or at least my relationship, I have not been able to turn off my own feelings. Naturally I have my pride and my ego is bruised, so I keep everything bottled in and to myself. But I would be lying if I said that I did not miss intimacy.
I have been through so much for me, and I am learning every day, a bit about myself, my needs, my decision making, my hopes. It has been interesting to watch my own growth along with my little sweetheart.I am so happy to have her in my life. She brings me out of myself, and as a Cancer, it seems that that whole sheltered crab thing is true.
Again, I am happy to be finding my feet and to creating. I have never stopped, but now, I am more excited than ever to work on what I love.
Monday, July 7, 2008
the Dalai Lama is born on my birthday
Everything hangs on the outcome of a process of negotiation. It's got you feeling like a puppet on a string. But the more you see yourself as a victim of circumstance, the more you will become one. Your position is far stronger than you know.
~
After my tirade in the last post, I calmed down, took my child for our favourite walk and got centred. I learnt alot from my anger, and that seems to be the way things have been going.
I am experiencing so much, and at times I feel overwhelmed by how things seem to be coming to me. But in all of that, I find the avenues for learning and seeing how the universe works, too amazing to ignore the power of it.
This week, my birthday week, I have seen my ex-husband behave abominably to get his way, and for once, FINALLY I am seeing him without my rose coloured glasses. Finally I am seeing that I do not owe him anything. I cannot negotiate with someone who is controlling. He loves seeing me react to him. He gets kicks from engaging me and trying to manipulate me. It is obvious and troubling to observe his tactics. The oddest thing has been to listen to what he says and know that everything he accuses me of, I think exactly that way of him.
Yet, I must also have compassion. But, I also have to have the law on my side.
~
After my tirade in the last post, I calmed down, took my child for our favourite walk and got centred. I learnt alot from my anger, and that seems to be the way things have been going.
I am experiencing so much, and at times I feel overwhelmed by how things seem to be coming to me. But in all of that, I find the avenues for learning and seeing how the universe works, too amazing to ignore the power of it.
This week, my birthday week, I have seen my ex-husband behave abominably to get his way, and for once, FINALLY I am seeing him without my rose coloured glasses. Finally I am seeing that I do not owe him anything. I cannot negotiate with someone who is controlling. He loves seeing me react to him. He gets kicks from engaging me and trying to manipulate me. It is obvious and troubling to observe his tactics. The oddest thing has been to listen to what he says and know that everything he accuses me of, I think exactly that way of him.
Yet, I must also have compassion. But, I also have to have the law on my side.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
starting over yet again
After spending several months with my parents, it has become apparant that you can never go home again. The petty squabbles, the observations that get under the skin and repeated as gripes, all are the price paid for the kindness.
I realised today that I can leave. I have not really thought of it before as I have today. If I can go to the bank and withdraw a large sum of money to help my father buy a car, then I certainly can go to the bank and withdraw enough to have first and last months rent somewhere as well. It isn't a difficult thing to do.
Today I just got tired of the insults and the sense of disrespect that I keep getting from my father in particular. My mother just says things like, oh, he is diabetic and irritable. But no, he weilds words at me like slaps. Why would I put up with that? I have decided to leave.
I realised today that I can leave. I have not really thought of it before as I have today. If I can go to the bank and withdraw a large sum of money to help my father buy a car, then I certainly can go to the bank and withdraw enough to have first and last months rent somewhere as well. It isn't a difficult thing to do.
Today I just got tired of the insults and the sense of disrespect that I keep getting from my father in particular. My mother just says things like, oh, he is diabetic and irritable. But no, he weilds words at me like slaps. Why would I put up with that? I have decided to leave.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Greateful
My dear friend and I had an evening like we used to have in the past when she had her store. I have been missing my friend and her councel. She told me so much about what was going on in her life, and I shared myself as well. But what was more important was the spiritual lessons learnt. It was so good to listen to her experiences and to see that my friend has grown and believes in what she is doing. It gives me the insentive to take whatever step is needed to meet my own goals.
Monday, May 26, 2008
humble learning
Today has shown me the use of energy in a way that I have not had a concrete way to look at it before. I was thinking about something from the past in my marriage that had upset me, but I did not come to any conclusion about it. Like a book, I put it away for later. When later came, I had an altercation with both of my parents over a very minor thing, and it happened because of a statement my father made that reminded me of the hurt that I brooded on earlier that day.
I was so shocked at my reaction to what went on. It was completely blown out of proportion. I was so heated and demonstrative, but moreso, shouting in a very emotional way. I could see myself and hear myself as though I were standing next to myself. I was not happy with what I saw.
I was most surprised by the way one small thing is not small at all, and no matter how together you may think you are, you can find out when you are least prepared, that you do not have it all together at all. You have deep hurts, and you still have to find a way to deal with them.
I am lucky that I like to write down these things, because, now more than ever, I feel that i need to make sense of my experiences.
I was so shocked at my reaction to what went on. It was completely blown out of proportion. I was so heated and demonstrative, but moreso, shouting in a very emotional way. I could see myself and hear myself as though I were standing next to myself. I was not happy with what I saw.
I was most surprised by the way one small thing is not small at all, and no matter how together you may think you are, you can find out when you are least prepared, that you do not have it all together at all. You have deep hurts, and you still have to find a way to deal with them.
I am lucky that I like to write down these things, because, now more than ever, I feel that i need to make sense of my experiences.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
new territory
I have not written in quite some time.Things have settled down, and we are now officially divorced. It is strange, but now that that is the case, he wants to talk and wants to be rational. It seems that marriage was preventing him from seeing straight. I am a bit resentful that he could not see all of these very obvious signs before all of this happened? But that is just the way that it is! Say la vei.
It is a strange feeling to now have to develop another type of relationship with him. But I am determined to do so, as the person I was when we married, was always concerned about his feelings and not upsetting him with things that would make him unhappy.
Not being married anymore means that I really don't have to have that concern. I can forge what I want to see.
It is a strange feeling to now have to develop another type of relationship with him. But I am determined to do so, as the person I was when we married, was always concerned about his feelings and not upsetting him with things that would make him unhappy.
Not being married anymore means that I really don't have to have that concern. I can forge what I want to see.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
truth and consequences
Your heart knows you're not entirely happy with a certain situation or with your declared plan for dealing with it. Coming events will vindicate your viewpoint. Try not to worry about something already on the mend.
..........................
Yesterday my soon to be 'x' husband asked me to meet him for lunch. I though meeting was unnecessary, but soon came to realise that he wanted to see as well as speak to me because he has a court order not to email me any threatening letters, so he has decided not to email me at all. Thus, having to meet.
Time is such an important elixer, and although I needed to vent my pains and I certainly did, I was also able to push past much of what I had been feeling, to listen to his suggestions to me.
He repeated the plans he has had for Canada, yet again, only this time, I really can affect him negatively if I decide that I just don't want to go. Yet, he would allow me to affect them, because he can go to Canada anyway. He doesn't need me to be able to go.
I sat in the restaurant and felt like I was having an out of body experience.He and I said so much, that all I can muster now is that we are now tentitvely on the road to a new 'relationship'. Not just for our child's sake, but for ours as well. Can we be friends? I don't know? I have never had such a contentious friend. However I will try, because I did like many things about him, and I prefer seeing him than being broadsided by his strategies.
..........................
Yesterday my soon to be 'x' husband asked me to meet him for lunch. I though meeting was unnecessary, but soon came to realise that he wanted to see as well as speak to me because he has a court order not to email me any threatening letters, so he has decided not to email me at all. Thus, having to meet.
Time is such an important elixer, and although I needed to vent my pains and I certainly did, I was also able to push past much of what I had been feeling, to listen to his suggestions to me.
He repeated the plans he has had for Canada, yet again, only this time, I really can affect him negatively if I decide that I just don't want to go. Yet, he would allow me to affect them, because he can go to Canada anyway. He doesn't need me to be able to go.
I sat in the restaurant and felt like I was having an out of body experience.He and I said so much, that all I can muster now is that we are now tentitvely on the road to a new 'relationship'. Not just for our child's sake, but for ours as well. Can we be friends? I don't know? I have never had such a contentious friend. However I will try, because I did like many things about him, and I prefer seeing him than being broadsided by his strategies.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
moving on up
I have not written in quite sometime. So much has gone on. The decision to start this site was a very good one, and it really helped me considerably. I am now truely standing at a new doorway, with things to do that impact me first and only. It is both exciting and daunting at once, and I am ready to be much more creative in my life and in my work.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Think of all the experts charging their inflated fees who would be out of work if only we knew how simple most of their jobs really are. You are about to get much satisfaction as you discover how simple a troublesome situation really is.
.........
Ok, now this is getting creepy in a good way. That is my horoscope today in the Toronto Star and it is on point! I have been dealing with a few matters in court. (Yes, it has been that long and reached to that) and I have spoken to five lawyers and have to conclude that they ask alot to do very, very little! It is appaling. But the worst part is that I have been trying to get it into my soon to be x-husband's head that talking over custody is better than going to court and fighting over what we will be asked in a court of law to do anyway. But he seems determined to make everything difficult and to spend what he cannot afford to 'show me!' It is all so unnecessary and wasteful.
.........
Ok, now this is getting creepy in a good way. That is my horoscope today in the Toronto Star and it is on point! I have been dealing with a few matters in court. (Yes, it has been that long and reached to that) and I have spoken to five lawyers and have to conclude that they ask alot to do very, very little! It is appaling. But the worst part is that I have been trying to get it into my soon to be x-husband's head that talking over custody is better than going to court and fighting over what we will be asked in a court of law to do anyway. But he seems determined to make everything difficult and to spend what he cannot afford to 'show me!' It is all so unnecessary and wasteful.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
long, cool breeze
I have not written in awhile, so much has been going on in my life. I am actually glad that I have not had a chance to, as the things that have gone on have been awful. I have been stressed out and my family and friends who are closest to me have been as well. It has ben a very trying time.
Yet through it al, in my inimitable style, I look for the blessings within the experiences and manage to find them. The biggest one being the little one, who is with me at last!
Yet through it al, in my inimitable style, I look for the blessings within the experiences and manage to find them. The biggest one being the little one, who is with me at last!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Though you are keen to take decisive action on an important matter, the key to success involves approaching your next challenge with quiet confidence, not noisy nervousness. With the right frame of mind, you'll win.
~
I keep saying that somehow this information that I keep getting is uncanny. I can see how people get hooked on it.
I have decided to return to the apartment. It is a big change for me, as I have not spent any time there at all. But it is the right move to make.
I am actually very excited about the move.
It shall send a very clear message to all concerned, and be the jolt that I need to take to go forward with my little one. Once I move, I have to start looking for work in earnest (and I have already begun to do that) and I have to get a car.
That may take some doing. I have never had a car, and I don't even know how to fill one with gas! I have so many things to learn this year that I feel like a twenty- one year old with a child. The great thing is that, it will feel like an adventure, and when things feel that way, you are more interested in enjoying the experience and being present within it, instead of constantly judging your own performance and rating yourself as lacking.
~
I keep saying that somehow this information that I keep getting is uncanny. I can see how people get hooked on it.
I have decided to return to the apartment. It is a big change for me, as I have not spent any time there at all. But it is the right move to make.
I am actually very excited about the move.
It shall send a very clear message to all concerned, and be the jolt that I need to take to go forward with my little one. Once I move, I have to start looking for work in earnest (and I have already begun to do that) and I have to get a car.
That may take some doing. I have never had a car, and I don't even know how to fill one with gas! I have so many things to learn this year that I feel like a twenty- one year old with a child. The great thing is that, it will feel like an adventure, and when things feel that way, you are more interested in enjoying the experience and being present within it, instead of constantly judging your own performance and rating yourself as lacking.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
By the way....
One of the things that helped lead to the ah,ha moment, was the fact that to someone else, my situation is not a problem. I thought about it, hearing someone say to me, "But this isn't a problem," and after that statement, hearing myself as if from on the outside looking in, seeing it all with detachment.
Being able to do that, led my thinking to what has been bothering me specifically, now. My mothers' meddling, while trying to be helpful.
She keeps talking to everyone she knows about my 'situation' so much so that my aunt in Canada had to call me to tell me that my business is all over the street. I expected that that would happen, once I spoke with my mother and her other sister. But hearing those words, really pissed me off.
I spoke to both of them about it, but they haven't stopped talking!
The answer is simple, take control of your life. Thank them for caring, but make it clear that you do not require their opinion, even if you cannot live on your own right away. Don't allow yourself to fall into the parent /child trap and the take care of me, I am needy, poor me trap either.
Do the things that you need to do to get your life in order. it is that simple.
One of the things that helped lead to the ah,ha moment, was the fact that to someone else, my situation is not a problem. I thought about it, hearing someone say to me, "But this isn't a problem," and after that statement, hearing myself as if from on the outside looking in, seeing it all with detachment.
Being able to do that, led my thinking to what has been bothering me specifically, now. My mothers' meddling, while trying to be helpful.
She keeps talking to everyone she knows about my 'situation' so much so that my aunt in Canada had to call me to tell me that my business is all over the street. I expected that that would happen, once I spoke with my mother and her other sister. But hearing those words, really pissed me off.
I spoke to both of them about it, but they haven't stopped talking!
The answer is simple, take control of your life. Thank them for caring, but make it clear that you do not require their opinion, even if you cannot live on your own right away. Don't allow yourself to fall into the parent /child trap and the take care of me, I am needy, poor me trap either.
Do the things that you need to do to get your life in order. it is that simple.
Growing up
What a difference a day makes
I got up this morning in much better spirits, knowing that I am in control of my life. No one is going to make me feel inferior. Yesterday when I sprained my foot, I thought, oh great, "poor me" is looking for the ultimate drama. Preventing me from being able to do what I must do this week! I went to bed convinced that today had to be better than yesterday, and you know what, it is.
Just a shift in consciousness has done this to me, and I have to write about it because I want to show and to know that I will continue to be positive and better and better in my life.
Today, I am so greatful for what I am feeling. This feeling knows that I can control the way things are and will continue to be. By affirming that I shall be fine and that the love of my child shall create for me better and better, makes me feel at last, a fullfilment in my heart - as opposed to the gaping hole I felt yesterday.
I let so many thoughts, opinions and actions intimidate me. It is clear that when I am faced with behavior that is strange to me, my reaction is uaually to shut down and overthink the situation.
I worry myself into a fit, and respond by listening and being advised by others, thinking that they somehow know what is best. Not realizing that I am an adult and my decision is as relevant and moreso, important for me.
I need not apologise for myself. I need not feel weak and unable to cope with what life has given me.
The worst thing that I have been doing is giving over my power to others, and I have been doing it very, very well.
Fortunately, I have been feeling twinges of rebellion...thus the leaving the house and the sprained ankle.
Today I can see so much more clearly, that I am filled with relief because of it. But again, I must learn from this realisation today. Life isn't so simple that such realisation concretizes all of the time. I have been asleep for a long time. It shall take some serious monitoring of myself.
I notice that whenever I feel good, I have something else that happens to floor me, and I mean literally make me freeze. It has been hard. I have felt pulled in every direction. Yet, today, I can see straight and know that the answer for me is to have goals, have my opinions, stand on my own two feet and declare that I shall be better, happier, stronger - and it shall not be a fluke. It shall happen because I finally understand that I am not a victim, I matter.
I got up this morning in much better spirits, knowing that I am in control of my life. No one is going to make me feel inferior. Yesterday when I sprained my foot, I thought, oh great, "poor me" is looking for the ultimate drama. Preventing me from being able to do what I must do this week! I went to bed convinced that today had to be better than yesterday, and you know what, it is.
Just a shift in consciousness has done this to me, and I have to write about it because I want to show and to know that I will continue to be positive and better and better in my life.
Today, I am so greatful for what I am feeling. This feeling knows that I can control the way things are and will continue to be. By affirming that I shall be fine and that the love of my child shall create for me better and better, makes me feel at last, a fullfilment in my heart - as opposed to the gaping hole I felt yesterday.
I let so many thoughts, opinions and actions intimidate me. It is clear that when I am faced with behavior that is strange to me, my reaction is uaually to shut down and overthink the situation.
I worry myself into a fit, and respond by listening and being advised by others, thinking that they somehow know what is best. Not realizing that I am an adult and my decision is as relevant and moreso, important for me.
I need not apologise for myself. I need not feel weak and unable to cope with what life has given me.
The worst thing that I have been doing is giving over my power to others, and I have been doing it very, very well.
Fortunately, I have been feeling twinges of rebellion...thus the leaving the house and the sprained ankle.
Today I can see so much more clearly, that I am filled with relief because of it. But again, I must learn from this realisation today. Life isn't so simple that such realisation concretizes all of the time. I have been asleep for a long time. It shall take some serious monitoring of myself.
I notice that whenever I feel good, I have something else that happens to floor me, and I mean literally make me freeze. It has been hard. I have felt pulled in every direction. Yet, today, I can see straight and know that the answer for me is to have goals, have my opinions, stand on my own two feet and declare that I shall be better, happier, stronger - and it shall not be a fluke. It shall happen because I finally understand that I am not a victim, I matter.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
sad feelings that make stoicism questionable
For many years and all of my married life, my husband would lean on me whenever he travelled. He would get nervous or anxious about leaving to go away, wondering whether he would have a good time. He would always want me to give him a little pep talk or some other gesture before he went out the door or boarded a plane. For this trip he's just taken, I received a text message. But it wasn't for a pep talk. It was just a note about a job that I could look into. A job that I was going to check out on my own anyway. This gesture of his got me strangely sentimental, and tonight I wanted to post about it.
With all of the wrangling over what I should and shouldn't do, and our little one being made to balance in the middle, I cannot help but feel a bit fatigued by all of the unnecessary emotion that has been put forth.
The irony is that none of it shall be going away any time soon. But tonight, I somhow managed to feel a moment of love in my heart from him - even though I am reading way too much into the gesture.
I am fully aware that the gesture is there purely so that he can continue to shirk his responsibilities.
I have gone through so much in the last few weeks! It has been very,very hard. It has made being in the hospital look as though I was at the Ritz.
Yet somehow, I also know that all of this shall end and I shall be better in the end.
I know it.
For many years and all of my married life, my husband would lean on me whenever he travelled. He would get nervous or anxious about leaving to go away, wondering whether he would have a good time. He would always want me to give him a little pep talk or some other gesture before he went out the door or boarded a plane. For this trip he's just taken, I received a text message. But it wasn't for a pep talk. It was just a note about a job that I could look into. A job that I was going to check out on my own anyway. This gesture of his got me strangely sentimental, and tonight I wanted to post about it.
With all of the wrangling over what I should and shouldn't do, and our little one being made to balance in the middle, I cannot help but feel a bit fatigued by all of the unnecessary emotion that has been put forth.
The irony is that none of it shall be going away any time soon. But tonight, I somhow managed to feel a moment of love in my heart from him - even though I am reading way too much into the gesture.
I am fully aware that the gesture is there purely so that he can continue to shirk his responsibilities.
I have gone through so much in the last few weeks! It has been very,very hard. It has made being in the hospital look as though I was at the Ritz.
Yet somehow, I also know that all of this shall end and I shall be better in the end.
I know it.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
MANAGE YOUR IMAGE
These are the words that my cousin gave to me last night when he talked for more than an hour. The strength and the power of what he said is so strong that I am still dealing with its meaning. Last night I hung up and felt as though I was being guided by a motivational speaker. He said the exact thing that I needed to hear. I know that I shall be going back to those words often as I move forward with my life.
These are the words that my cousin gave to me last night when he talked for more than an hour. The strength and the power of what he said is so strong that I am still dealing with its meaning. Last night I hung up and felt as though I was being guided by a motivational speaker. He said the exact thing that I needed to hear. I know that I shall be going back to those words often as I move forward with my life.
Friday, January 25, 2008
yes, the heart is the centre
I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. She writes about Italy, India and Indonesia and her spiritual enlightenment in each.I found a lovely quote in the book and I am recalling it here.
***
"Imagine that the universe is a great spinning engine, you want to stay near the core of the thing - right in the hub of the wheel - not out at the edges where all the wild whirling takes place, where you get can frayed and crazy. The hub of calmness - that's your heart. That's where God lives within you. So stop looking for answers in the world. Just keep coming back to that center and you'll find peace"
Then, imagine that I was a weary traveller, deciding to write a blog and the name came to me, and here it is.
I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. She writes about Italy, India and Indonesia and her spiritual enlightenment in each.I found a lovely quote in the book and I am recalling it here.
***
"Imagine that the universe is a great spinning engine, you want to stay near the core of the thing - right in the hub of the wheel - not out at the edges where all the wild whirling takes place, where you get can frayed and crazy. The hub of calmness - that's your heart. That's where God lives within you. So stop looking for answers in the world. Just keep coming back to that center and you'll find peace"
Then, imagine that I was a weary traveller, deciding to write a blog and the name came to me, and here it is.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Yet again, someone is reading from my life
Once a certain individual has made their mind up about a particular matter, you are better off trying to turn the tide than getting them to think again. Don't waste energy on a futile struggle. There is true fun and joy to be had elsewhere.
And from his
Pressures are not letting you live the life you want. From the moment you wake up to the time you go to sleep, you are distracted by obligations that deflect you from your heart's agenda. It's time to do what matters most to you.
He is now fighting me for custedy of our daughter, despite the fact that he is going away in a few days for a month.
Once a certain individual has made their mind up about a particular matter, you are better off trying to turn the tide than getting them to think again. Don't waste energy on a futile struggle. There is true fun and joy to be had elsewhere.
And from his
Pressures are not letting you live the life you want. From the moment you wake up to the time you go to sleep, you are distracted by obligations that deflect you from your heart's agenda. It's time to do what matters most to you.
He is now fighting me for custedy of our daughter, despite the fact that he is going away in a few days for a month.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Words of wisdom from my sign and then his for today
A key subplot in the soap opera of your life has reached a cliff hanger. An essential decision cannot yet be made and you're waiting for the first opportunity to make it happen. The full moon will sweep you forward to that important moment.
~
Although, our problems seem to be thrust on us by an unfair destiny, they are all, actually, made to measure as a result of our attitudes. We choose the cloth, cut and colour of our garments. So, if you don't like what you have —change the material.
~
A key subplot in the soap opera of your life has reached a cliff hanger. An essential decision cannot yet be made and you're waiting for the first opportunity to make it happen. The full moon will sweep you forward to that important moment.
~
Although, our problems seem to be thrust on us by an unfair destiny, they are all, actually, made to measure as a result of our attitudes. We choose the cloth, cut and colour of our garments. So, if you don't like what you have —change the material.
~
Thursday, January 17, 2008
up and down to be up again
So much has gone on since I last wrote. I got to the island on the 8th, and everything was topsy turvey for me. I stayed on after the deadline set to leave, I saw a lawyer, I have had ups and downs with my husband.It has been very eventful and it is still not completely resolved. Within all of this, I find myself remembering with clarity better times and wondering when I shall feel them again. I have felt exhausted by the experience, and this has been proven by my sleep. But in all of this, feeling sorry for myself is not an option. This situatin has to find an amicable ending.
So much has gone on since I last wrote. I got to the island on the 8th, and everything was topsy turvey for me. I stayed on after the deadline set to leave, I saw a lawyer, I have had ups and downs with my husband.It has been very eventful and it is still not completely resolved. Within all of this, I find myself remembering with clarity better times and wondering when I shall feel them again. I have felt exhausted by the experience, and this has been proven by my sleep. But in all of this, feeling sorry for myself is not an option. This situatin has to find an amicable ending.
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