Some new developments are happening with me. Someone is finding their way into my life. I might have mentioned him before. But for all intents and purposes, I shall call this person The Towers. The T has known and pursued me for some time. But we have only really talked. I met him twice, as he too is a frequent flyer. But unlike his namesake, The T has made money on a level where that traveling comes from his investments. We have established a lovely friendship, and he has called me in many different circumstances, told me his news and about his life, and given advice and even made my family love him too. However, I was not looking at him as a possible love interest. Who knows....I shall see.

Bitter and sweet

My first bf called me on the 19th to tell me that our dear friend, his best friend since they were about seven years old, had died in a var accident. I had known him since I was fifteen. Last year he and I hung out for the first time without former bf , and I had felt as though he had wanted to reach out to me. He told me a great deal about his life, his plans, his hopes and dreams. It was an unusual and quite nice meeting. He kept in touch with me from time to time, always interested in me and what was going on. He was a really great guy. My former bf is doing what he can to plan the funeral and act stoic, but I know that he is hurting very deeply. I have been through that myself, and I believe for him, it is the first of his oldest friends to go. ...... Meanwhile today, the " last day of the Mayan calendar and the END of the World" was also our deadline to give in our thesis project. Much to my dismay, I was still working on it up to the final second to give it in. Not where I wanted to be at all. But it could not be helped. I created one hundred booklets and boxes for an annual event for my mother over a two day period for her deadline of December 20th, so I was really pushing it. Naturally, I would have preferred a full day to look over the document and be certain that it was thorough as it could be, but it was not to be. It turned out to be quite beautiful.I have much for which to be grateful,and I am now planning how I want to launch my business for real. ....... On yet another note, FF contacted me and informed me that he will no longer be doing the frequent flyer thing, as he decided not to renew his contract. I told him that I would support any choice he made, as I completely believe in his sound judgement..meaning, if he changed his mind, it would not make me think of him in less regard. When I told him that, I felt something shift between us.he has since been sending me lots of texts with smiley faces...lol. I probably passed some male/female test of his! I have not found that in his character. But you never know. ........... I am exhausted and wired tonight, so much work and rushing, and juggling everything in my life this year. So much still to get done...but I need a good nights sleep and then I shall think about it all.

Nearly

The big presentation that I had been working on happened last evening. Now that that is over, I just realized a big lesson learned from the whole experience. I had a moment during the last eighteen months where coming down to the end, I was very, very frustrated by how I felt two of my lecturers treated my project. I felt like they didn't care one bit about it. I was actually shocked that I felt as apathetic as that, and knew that I had to pull back and take stock of my reaction. What I discovered was a need for attention. A need to be heard and validated. I was not expecting that I would need anyone to do so. My project has never needed anyone's stamp. What was going on? A friend set me so straight, telling me to get over the pity party and prevail, and that did it. Thank you F.E. Then suddenly these same lecturers started noticing and talking up my projec leading me to wonder whether they were having me on,their enthusiasm suddenly seemed too dramatic. That was helpful too, because amidst all of that,one lecturer said something that stuck, and stuck well. At the end of the day, own your project be passionate about it. That is all. Sell the he'll out of what you believe in. Now that it is over, I have to complete my thesis, and I now hove the time to really make it a beauty. I shall rest tonight and start to handle it properly from tomorrow. Writing a bit here and there, getting the theory parts together, as the deadline looms very near as well. But now I feel a relief from what I am doing. Thank goodness.

2013

Next year will be the time for me to jettison some baggage from my life. In every way, a spring cleaning and assessing new projects. My old way of doing and of thinking ain't cutting it. I am not seeing results that garner confidence. For years I have been on the cusp. With this degree, I asked myself, how had I been thinking before? I have definitely removed and seen some blocks to my progress, and some of them are downright unfortunate. For example, just not getting certain supports, not knowing that one small step to the right or left could have made all the difference. Another Masters degree may be in the works for me as well. I may consider learning something in the technology field to supplement what I have learned now. There is much to do. I see myself anew, and a new year is wonderful in the sense that it encourages such feelings naturally. As I write, I see the entrepreneur in me, gosh, I had left her behind twenty odd years ago. But it is clearly never too late. Thank goodness for that.

What do you expect?

Life is nothing if not interesting. Last year at this time, I was determined to do all that I could to have a more reasonably paced year. I did not actually succeed, but I am here, aware of what I set out to do and I have come quite a way in the process. I bought an item for myself this year, the item that I am writing in now, that I have been very satisfied with. It has become a very large part of my personal happiness because I can read my new (bad habit) fan fiction at any time that I want to do so, and I do this every day. In buying it and in the final payment made on the pencils that I wanted to get, I can say that if I had not done these things, I would have considerably more money in the bank. This brings me much confidence, because it tells me that I can save even when I think that I may not be able to. I learned this year that there is only so much that I can do, and that I am grateful that I am able to do them. I have worked on being less judgmental about life, removing certain expectations about things. I have been watchful over my ego, willing to look at other points of view and making sure not to take myself or life so seriously that it affects the way I feel and see. I found two great meditation sites this year, and I look at them every few days, and they sustain me considerably. This year I came to greater realization of what I want for myself, what I can and cannot do, and whether certain things are worth doing. My romantic life, though very spotty to non-existent, was faced with some interesting moments that brought me to a greater sense of my needs. I did quite alright this year and next year, god willing, I have much to do, including a show of my own. I am optimistic and grateful, and amidst all of this, pleased that I feel so confident about where I am setting my sites.

Recently

Of late, every time I have written here, my posts are not being saved and posted.it-has happened twice. I am trying again tonight. I wanted to write about the wisdom of my little one. Every night is special for me because we spend very precious time together. We lie down and I sometimes play her something on my I-pad, or we talk. Or I read a story. That time is truly dear to me, and many times I hear some sage things from her. Tonight it was not something she said, but something she did. She took my comforter and put it over me when I said that I was tired and she then chose one of her stuffed toys and offered it to me, saying that she thought that I would appreciate the company. I then told her that I was sure that she too would appreciate some company, and gave her a hug. Needless to say, we both snuggled under the covers for warmth and she promptly fell asleep. As her breathing proved to me that she was indeed down for the count, I basked in the beauty of the moment and it dawned on me. I am so damn wealthy, so blessed, so loved. The point is to work from that point of departure outward, so that everything else in my life is seen and experienced from such a place.

This past week, a thought jumped into my head.I know people who are having lives that seem really nice. I know that a good life is possible? What is this"good" life? A life where your child feels safe and protected, wealthy and healthy. You can plan to do things without second guessing every penny you have. You have friends who get you and support you, and you create wonderful experiences together. When you are by yourself you feel contented in the knowledge that you have built a life on your own terms and you look around and feel satisfaction about it all. You can go on vacation at least once or twice a year, and you feel energized and sated by the experiences of new things and friendships. .......... Come on now, that should not feel like some sort of impossible thing to create!

Little surprises

My month has been filled with a prodigious amount of work. I have been going and going.only stopping to rest when my body gives out, and I am far from finished. I still have quite a great deal to do before the month ends. Amidst all of that, frequent flyer has been keeping me company, along with my dear friend who was here last month. He's good at late nights because he operates on little sleep as it is. So imagine my surprise when FF writes me this morning to say that he shall be passing through for a few hours. Now, yes, I have heard this many, many times before and the last two times that he was here, I blew him off. So what makes this time different? I think that I have been worn down...although I do not want it to come across that way. I am not giving in. I really do want to see him. I always have. The wearing down has to do with my own feelings finally exerting itself. Although, I think that that interview that I looked at today of Oprah talking to Rihanna, something clicked for me. When I meet FF, I am curious to see whether he can instill in me a certain desire? I seem to be resistant. I only take things so far after all of this time, and more and more I am aware that I am doing this. I need to look at my relationship with my own father and my ex husband of late the latter runs across my mind and I recall many fond times. So, I think that a little observation of these thoughts and feelings is in order. More later. ............... Later FF did indeed meet with me, and everything that should be there is still there. However the time was so short that all we managed to do was to go for coffee and quiche at anew bistro. It was lovely to see him, and I made a definitive decision. I have concluded that I shall no longer place ANY labels onto our friendship. It does not matter what he says to me. I now have no expectations other than what we represent to each other in the moment. He has said certain things to me in the past, and I have felt very complemented. But just as I felt in his hotel room, when I went up at his invitation to check out the gorgeous view and the lovely space, I do not feel inclined to break what we already have. Not because I am particularly moral about it. Although that does matter to me, but because it is just not the time. We may always be in that space of "not quite right ."

I am just on to update what is happening in my life. The court matter resumed on Halloween and like some big joke, lasted only five minutes and then got postponed to January. I was so furious with my lawyer that I saw him do everything in his power to try to keep me from going "postal" on him. I wrote him a very stern letter about my money and time being wasted and made it quite clear what I want yet again, out of this whole matter. Later in the week, I then speak to a mutual friend of my ex-husband, and she leads me to believe that he has been telling she and her husband about us getting along better. When I tell her about court, she is so shocked, she really thought things were improving.Why is he misleading them? I have no idea? However, other things are going on, and yet again, I am ending the year feeling at odds with my best intentions when the year began. I thought that I would have closed off some projects from last year by now? I thought that I could say that I had saved a chunk of money by now and could finally see to some pressing things that I want done as well as still see my way clear to say that I have solid savings. Yet again, another year of working all the time, no vacation. In fact, I have not taken a vacation in six years! So why am I not financially stronger? Something has got to give. Also I cannot afford to think negatively about what I want to accomplish now. The year did not go as I had hoped, but give up, I just can't. I have to believe that something better is on the horizon for my little one and I.

When the ball is in

After all of my writing yesterday, I spent some time going over some work with my neighbor who gave me some excellent advice on my situation with my ex-husband. We spoke until quite early in the morning. I have helped her with many issues and now she has helped me in return. Then,this morning, as I stated, I sent a note to frequent flyer and he responded right away. He was not only willing to speak with me head on about my feelings, he called me, instead of Skyping. We still have some other things to talk about, but he greatly put my mind at rest. Then tonight exbf called me. I know that my entries are probably sounding like bad soap opera, but this is indeed what happened....he wanted me to just listen to him. He told me that he loves me and that he does not want to lose me as a friend. He was hurt by my stating that he had threatened me. He did not think that he had done that. I explained that I saw it that way because of my own experiences. I react badly or I should say, with heightened awareness now when any man comes at me, reminding me of a stance in the vein of my ex-husband. I automatically get into combat mode and cut that person off at the knees. What exbf said was extremely touching, he even cried. I know him to be sentimental, but I do not recall him ever actually getting as emotional as his words to me tonight. I was definitely moved. Exbf means the world to me. But I have to stay the course. I feel completely wonderful in every way with him. But he is not free. I entered into a quasi-half flirty...half-fling with him because he guaranteed me that he was separating and that he and his wife had no intimate relationship. We are such good friends that it did not seem unusual to hang out and to talk about all manner of things and to be playful and a bit affectionate. But now it is building and building and I do not want to go to somewhere where my chances of return are not assured in tact. I do not know whether exbf is the person for me, but I would say that if he were, then I should not need to ask that question. We have an amazing chemistry. We never stay upset with the other for any length of time. He cares about me, really shows his love and support....but, he is not free, single and disengaged. What a difference this is, from one day to the next. In a way, my situation may be considered lucky. Two wonderful men, who are really special in their own rights. If I could suspend time, what would I really do? Would I give them both a chance? Would I share myself with them? Would I be wanting to be a polygamous woman? Would they agree to being my husbands? Hmmmm? I think that I should fall asleep with that one on my mind.

And another thing....

I just thought that I would read over some entries from the year, and I am quite surprised at how much time I have spent writing about frequent flyer! I really put a great deal of thought into understanding how I feel and how he has affected me. The talk is definitely something that I must do as soon as possible.

Curious...er and curious...er

How did I guess? When it rains, it pours. Frequent flyer contacted me today...acted like no time had passed and like everything is everything. I decided that I would behave the same way as well, as to me, we are still and will always be friends. But guess what? Somehow I felt a weird feeling after the fact. The feeling was that I am conscious of something more. Despite what I said and that I am doing. I still sense that I can get sucked into caring about him again. So this means that I will just have to have a chat with him. I have not really put my feelings out there, except when we flirt, and now I think that the fact that he put out there the possibility that it could have become more, I have every right to broach the topic. Then my first bf calls me tonight. He wants to go out with me. Of late I have been saying no. We have had lots of fun, and this is why I am saying no. I do not want to get any more comfortable with him than I have been. He has become a go to convenience, and I do not want a nearly booty call scenario. It makes no sense to me. I have not seen any improvements on his part, any real decision to move on, so I just decided to quit him. Literally. I thought that he understood, but tonight we had a bad moment, where he tried to exert some sort of power or something over me! I was not sure what he was trying, bringing up old times, insisting that something happened like twenty years ago where I asked him for sex! No such event took place! This is a head turner? I even asked him, if that actually happened, then what does that have to do with not wanting to go out tonight? He behaved like a petulant child. It is inevitable I suppose in relationships, for emotions to flare up. I know this, and I feel odd about both of these people tonight. I cannot continue either scenario. It is just not healthy for me. I do not see them amounting to much more than sexual frustration on my part, their part, whatever. I am doing what is best for me and feeling the spin off of such a choice. But I shall be well. I shall hold to what I know is the way I want things to be.

Listen to your being. It is continuously giving you hints. It is a still, small voice. It does not shout at you, that is true. And if you are a little silent you will start feeling your way. Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and you will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that's what maturity is all about. -OSHA .......... The other night I was reading over some of the things that I have written here. I have to say that this site has been refreshing. I write all the time, and today is the day before our nations independence. I cannot help but wonder about my own independence in my world. To me, the evaluation begins in the mind. There are things that I of course want to achieve, and I am still in the process of getting there. My mind though, my thoughts about what I want, where I want to go, how I want to be remembered, all of this feels stronger to me, than where I had been before. Recently I made a decision about love and relationships. I also decided what I am going to do about my finances and my working. My offline writing and the programme that I am doing, have all assisted me in being open enough to get where I am now, and I know that when I look back again, I shall know that this was the year that I turned an important corner.

Wonky affair

I know that I go back and forth with this issue. God, I know it. But today I feel the other way again, and I want to write it here and I want to do my best to make it permanent for me. Frequent flyers birthday was yesterday, and he had had a bad day, lots of work, and we still managed to chat. Fine. Then today he gives me all of the details of his upset. It turns out that he had planned on spending time with his kids and miscalculated his vacation, so naturally he is out of sorts. Ok...all normal, and I would feel frustrated about that too. Here's my thing, what the hell am I doing? This man sends me too many mixed or I would even say complicated signals, and I just think that I should continue to be his friend and NOT expect anything else from him. I will feel much more comfortable doing that, and NO, it is not because I am afraid of commitment. It is because I cannot for the life of me tell what the hell he wants? Nor do I believe that I should try to understand it either, at this time. When I was in my twenties dating my soon to be husband, my father used to tell us that one of us had to have their head on their shoulders. I now understand this fully. Sure it would be nice to have this man's love, affection and attention. But suppose he cannot actually deliver anything I would like? I already do not get to see him in person, we have a virtual friendship, and that is nice. But he takes it further. I cannot even get an opportunity to have a proper long assed conversation with him, where I can iron out some of my misgivings, because when I can, one of us usually does not have the time. This is all very frustrating to me. I do not think that it is worth it. He is looking more and more to me like a once upon a time....and could have been...but it isn't now ...kind of issue. It won't hurt to stay friends. After all, he has given me no real sign that he is pursuing me, not truly....it's not like he has gone out of his way to buy me a plane ticket or booked a romantic weekend to be with me. So, there you have it. That is how I feel about whatever the hell this thing professed to be. It isn't the first time that I have drawn a line. But god, I hope that it is the last time. I cannot keep getting thrown into his path all of the time, wanting to think that it is something that it isn't. Other than a horny friend needing comfort, and for that, I will have to draw the line at friend. No perks.

Back and forth and back again

My particular circumstances, divorce, the loss of my closest friend and the change of my way of life, I sometimes feel acutely. I am not always aware of how much I have adjusted my expectations. But yesterday and today, I saw that in my conversations with Mr.World traveller First of all, I contacted him and just needed to hear from him. I did not want to discuss what was bothering me at first. This is because in the past it would be my closest friend who would hear all about what was going on with me. It was so weird that it felt like I was taking a leap of faith to unburden myself to someone whom I consider a really dear friend. We talk about all sorts of things, so why not move right along? So imagine my delight when he decided not to have me type it all, but literally called me and looked at me face to face. I was so pleased. Then today, the tables were turned and he wanted to get some thoughts off his mind and he called me. We might be mirroring the other. I see now that we have lots of ambivalence about our lives. We get up every day with the best intentions. But there is so much more to say, so much unsaid. More and more he reaches out to me, as a real friend. I do not push him though, it is a sensitive thing, to know that you are doing so very much and yet, you do not feel that you are doing nearly enough. Sometimes he feels so very close to me, in a romantic way, and then at other times, I feel that to get remotely close like that is just not that important. It is an interesting place to be. It shows me that I really care about him. I am not about to behave rashly. I think that one thing that I must do is to decide once and for all what he actually means to me and just leave it at that.

Elephant in the room

Finally I was able to put a dent on the question that I have been wanting to ask Mr. World traveller. I need to come up with a nickname for him and stick to it. Anyway, we has our usual wonderful, friendly and a bit flirty talk on Skype. Then he did me something that threw me off. I probably do the same thing to, I know that I certainly have done it in the past, so I am conscious of it. He went from flirty to friendly. Suddenly he says something so cute and PC that I feel as though he has left me out in the cold with the sensual statements and just wants to pull back to being friends. Now I have no right being anxious about that because, as I stated before, I am the queen of ambivalence when it comes to such things. But now that I am having it done to me,my first thought and second thought is to pull way, way back and observe what is going on. Anyway, I kick down my inhibitions and I ask the important question and he gets right into answering me. What bothers me with this man is how long we have been dancing around our feelings. It has been years! Every time I think that there may be something, something comes up. This time around, I feel the way I did the last time. I feel that I should just give up on the whole thing. From the conversation that we had,I feel badly for him. He is still at the beginning of where I was five years ago. I think that there may be some hope yet for his situation, although he may not think so. As long as they are working out staying in the same place, raising their children, I think that they have a shot, and I am much, much happier knowing that he can be made happier and that things can work out for him, than what I would like to experience with him. This is simply age and reason talking. I have nothing to gain by pushing this situation in any way, so I think that I should just relegate myself to good friend again. After all, that is what I am, and really, with all that he has to do, that is actually what I do have, and it is a lot. So, hear I go again, shutting down something that he riled up...again. But I know that it is for the best.

Curious...

Yesterday I had been writing and also working feverishly on my computer on some work for a deadline, when out of the blue my overseas friend Skyped me a very long note. I was extremely surprised to see it and more so to read it. It was obviously filled with emotion. It was clear that he had taken some thought to put his feelings down. It actually made me get a bit choked up. He wanted me to know how much he values what we have. More and more I am finding that he is revealing a side of himself that is amazing me. I have known him for a decade and yet,he still manages to surprise me. I have come to my online diary tonight to try to work out some of my feelings about this man. When I read what he had written, it took me awhile to get passed the fact that it cluttered up my thoughts. I felt overwhelmed. Although he has said such things to me before, this time, his need to write it in such depth really affected me. I go back and forth about my feelings where he is concerned. I have planned on discussing my need to know what is happening with him before I invest another moment of feelings for him, but I have not been able to do this because we have not had an opportunity to really have a long chat about it. So, that decision being the case, the note really did a number on me. It got me all goggly eyed and soft hearted. Today though, I am back on the ball about what I want and what may or may not be going on with us. I really have to know whether he is moving on with his life or not. I cannot really react to his lovely words to me until I know once and for all, particularly because we keep building whatever this is into something more and then we have scheduling conflicts that prevent anything from happening. Anyway, if I am pragmatic, and if I look at this whole thing from a logical standpoint, I would say that all of this is happening as it should.

energy

There is something to be said about the day. It began one way and ended so unexpectedly. I do not know whether it is just a moment? If it is, I savor it. What a moment. After writing at length about my disappointment with my gentleman whom I shall now call frequent flyer because I forgot what I have called him before, I was so upset with him weeks ago, regarding the Skype conversation.
Then tonight, I was multi-tasking. I was online, on my I-Pad and had Fifty Shades Darker by E.L.James open while listening to music and lo and behold, I get a message from him.
I never expected the level of romanticism from this man. He had a whole fantasy planned out in his mind and he told me all about it. I could not believe it. He just let it all out, and I felt so awed by it all. it was delightful, delicious....I loved every moment of what he revealed to me.

My ex husband has let the other shoe drop. He has served me papers for full custody of our child. I half expected that he was up to something, but I had hoped that he would somehow see reason and use other tactics.Now that he has shown his hand, he now puts me in a position where this case will take up time and financial resources. He is basically being a nuisance. However, today is also the second anniversary of the death of my closest friend. For a moment that is much more important to think about. He has come to my thoughts as he has every day since his death. I miss my darling. I miss him very much.

Life is so very interesting. From one week to another, so many things can happen.
My almost tryst has been sending me emotacons and trying to test the waters with me. Depending on how I feel, I shall just let him know what happened, if he chooses to be thick about it.
Then the other person has also been sending me texts and calling, and the most interesting thing is that some very important information that impacts his business fell into my lap completely by surprise.
When I was told, my fingers raced across my phone in seconds, it was that serious. How it came to me in itself was very unexpected.

My schedule has finally slackened a bit, so I can finally breathe out a bit and do some very important things for myself.
I have not been successful in really reducing the things I have to do. I am as busy as ever, and even with my workload reduced, I still have enough to take up all of my time.

I am looking forward to making the things that I am setting out to make and doing the projects that I know will be the start of exciting things to come.

For the last few days I have thought quite a bit on what happened with both men. every cliche in the book seems to have been achieved. They both omitted information and both expected that they could just go on with business as usual.having experienced that, despite myself, I wonder about my own standards. Yet, these have been men who have been in my life for a very long time, so this is more about my own personal growth and the simple fact that I believed something at one point that I no longer believe as I move toward where I really want to be. That is really at the crux of the matter, and I am also wondering about my next move. At my age the cliche divorcee does not appeal to me. The dating scene does not either? The person suited for me may come along, who knows? I do know that there are enough things taking up my time to not have me feel like I need to worry about it too much. But I admit that there are moments when I would like to know that there is someone in my personal life. What these last two weeks makes me wonder is whether I may have been unclear myself about what I wanted to experience? I do not think so? Although I was relieved in both instances, at the way things went. I would not have liked to have taken either issue further and felt that it was all a farce. I think that I knew deep down that I did not want either thing in the bigger scheme of things. Both suggested a great deal of adjustment down the road that could not be guaranteed. I do not know whether it is that these men just have fantasies and are actually unwilling or afraid to act on them? I cannot say? I believed most of what they said to me, and what they implied, and what I did not believe, I confronted head on. I also believed that they do see my friendship as important. I think that neither of them is in a really good place right now, and I am a dangerous distraction, so I have taken myself out of the equation. They have both shown me a bit about my own value. They have reminded me that I am attractive beyond my own beliefs, I have much in my person to be proud of, and they did and do show me love in their own ways. Have much for which to be grateful. They are lovely men when I come right down to it, but at this time, neither suit what I really do want. They are not really free, and even if they were, neither may be right for me. Knowing this already, is a good thing for me.

Perspective is an amazing thing. I have had certain views about two men I have known for more than a decade, and now I feel differently about it all. This came about because they chose to say something to me that clued in to their motives.At this time I believe that both know that they have screwed up, and today I dealt with both of them in different ways. One I ignored and the other, I kept to professional conversation. I plan to stay that way. I was really disappointed with him. He really had me believing that we could get together. I had put having any feelings for him behind me, and he encouraged me to think that we were actually building something together, just repeating that makes me feel I'll! Ugh. Now that I am annoyed, I have no patience, as both are acting as though nothing of any great consequence has occurred. But I would prefer and should talk about what this revelation means to me now. I have to admit that a weight has been taken from me. I had no idea the amount of energy I was giving to supposition. my desire right now is to focus on things that I want to do. Last night as I gave thought to my day, which was spent preparing and supporting my mom as she helped a friend celebrate their hundredth birthday....I got a clear idea for the long suffering project that I was working on. I also have a few outstanding things to complete and to focus on creating my own work. All of this has me excited, and that is way more important to me than anything else.

My feelings today was such that I am appreciative of what I had written in my last entry. Over the last few months I have had some lovely talks online with someone I have liked for more than a decade. he has made me feel that the interest is mutual, and he has been my friend in the sincerest way, so I am not perturbed that this situation is not genuine. However, I am upset because he had put to me that we needed to meet, and he said this to me last year. With what I thought was the best intentions to make good on this decision. He has since not been able to meet these words spoken to me. It prooved so concerning to me at one point because I had made a gift for him that had to be printed, and I had gone out of my way to do so some time ago. Then lately I was looking for a box to put his gift in. Anyway, this time he surprised me and said that he would be here, and then he mentioned that he would be coming on business with his brother. Ok, so he was not coming to see me. This was no big deal, he always makes the time to see me anyway. He asks me to find out some information about a place to hold his meeting and despite my exhaustion from a week of intense work, I press my neighbor into doing a favor for me.(I never ask her, and she always asks me...so I was able to get her to do it) and she likes him a great deal, so she finds out the information for me, which I get to him. Then, bam, he cannot make it. So I deduce that he would be where he is for a few days longer and I ask him some leading questions to see where he is standing. His replies suggest to me that he is either distracted or I am very mistaken about where I stand with him. He then makes this clearer to me when he starts complaining about his wife searching through his phone...again. Hello. You told me that you had separated and that you had moved out. I felt so stupid. So very stupid! Then so angry that I ever took on anything that he had said to me. I appreciate it though, because I could have found myself really set up. So it is indeed for the best.

Today was one of those deeply enlightening days. One of those loud, gasp out loud moments that changes everything. Today in the words of one of my former students came the realization that everyone but me saw that my relationship was not going to work out. The only thing was that they saw it for a completely different reason than I could have imagined. It seems that the perception was that HE was too slow for me! When I heard this I could not believe my ears. It sounded right, but I had not even dared to see it when I was in the relationship. When had I let my guard down and settled? When had that happened? I know now that some of this behavior had to do with a fear of myself. A fear of how I was going to live my life, doing what I wanted to do for myself. But mores, this realization sparked something else within me. I saw that however I proceed....for example, if I chose to have that date with R or not, it is not about him in the slightest. It is always about me. What I want, what I choose, what will be best for me. But I am saying this more lightly than it came to me. I made a much stronger point to myself when the realization flared up in my mind. I was thinking that men are just that, just men. To put your best thoughts into what they seem to represent is to cheat both you and that person. I think that is why Mr.India came into my life when he did. Because we had no history, we met on even ground. I had no expectations, so I made no commitment, and I made the rules. But beyond that, with him, I felt a freedom that we still marvel at. I do not know if we met again that we would have the same thing? I have no idea whether it was just a moment in time? But what it did, was release me then...and I did not even realize it at the time...it released me from the limitations that I had been facing. It prooved to be an experience filled with tension, intrigue and awareness of my own desires in a way that surprised me. Going forward, I do not need to put stock onto what I want the other person to be. I should keep stock of what a catch I am....to put it bluntly. Not that I am saying that I am vain. Far from it. I am saying instead that I no longer see the need to think that in order to have a relationship with a man I like, there is no need to go about lionizing him to make it work. I can admire him, find some of his opinions absurd, enjoy his company, challenge his ideas...be a friend, see what it is, and where it is meant to go. With my ex, I certainly put him up on a pedestal and worshipped him for quite some time. I affixed every superlative to his nature, even when he was unkind to me. I blamed myself, wanting to earn his regard. Yes, it is that sad to know that I valued myself so little. It came from feeling that I could not please those closest to me in my life and so desperately wanting their approval. It took awhile for me to admit that to myself. I do not want to go into another relationship doing that again. I want to be with someone whole who wants me for who I am and wants to build something beautiful with me because it can be done. That simple.

What to believe

Tonight in class, something trigged an old feeling inside me and I felt as though the full brunt of the extent to which I am saddened by the loss of my marriage was felt. It came over me very suddenly and felt very heavy. I was in class, so I could really do nothing about it but clear my thoughts as quickly as it happened. I was very, very surprised. It just came out of the blue. I do not know whether it is happening because now that Another R is showing interest in me, and I am again asking myself the questions that  seems relevant to me. I admit some apprehension and trepidation...even fear in venturing forward with someone new. My first ex, before I let him know that I got the distinct hint that he was reconciling...and I suspect that he never was not reconciling...but that is another matter....I am feeling like my thoughts are all over the place and not only unclear, but clouded and even a bit crazy! I am concerned about feeling all of these things.
R has expressed certain interest. Unlike my first ex, my relationship with him is on another level. But R has taken up a very complicated job that has him having to travel all over the world. To get involved with him may leave me just a woman in one of his ports of call, and I have told him this.
I do not know what to expect with him? Weeks ago I would not have given this any thought, but now, I feel torn about the very thing that years ago had me feverish with wonder.
Here again is no real guarantee that what it may be is only going to be sex in the moment. I am not sure that I want to experience that? That isn't-what I want.
I did not think about what it would mean this far ahead over the last few weeks until the issue with my ex made me see how much I do NOT want certain things, and want others.
Then tonight, a freight train could have passed over me when I thought of how much I missed the best things about my marriage, including that I did not have to get to know any new man. Somehow this is proving to be the challenge. On the one hand, having a person like my ex to fool around with was a nice, safeish thing to do...until it got complicated when he could not perform adequately. That got me off the hook because despite all that he was doing prior to that was making me wonder whether he might be someone to want to take more steps with. But I now know that the same issues apply today as it did when we broke up. I find that I do indeed represent something to him that he does not actually represent to me to adequately go forward with him confidant that he is the one.
Now, the other person inspires many things in me as well.... But he does not live in the same country. So what the hell am I pursuing then? What can I expect to get out of such a situation? A good time? Nothing much more? Am I too old fashioned?
Is it that I had a sudden yearning for my ex husband because I am not comfortable in the post marriage world where starting all over again can feel awkward and be filled with problems that I do not want to have to run through men to resolve...and would not run through men anyway because I am not like that and it isn't like I am on the prowl.
All of this sounds very ligitimate I have to sit with these feelings some more and just feel out what it means and what I should do about it.

Interesting

When it rains it pours. Between yesterday and today I have received much attention. One is a surprise but in another way, both were expected, it just had to do with timing. The greater question for me is whether I am calling these things to me? I think probably. But, what is the outcome to be? I went to visit my ex's house and I was really moved by all that he has managed to accomplish. He is a bit bitter because he is most likely not going to get to live in it again very soon, when he moves out all together. He showed me all that he had put into it, and the sort of decisions he had made when they first bought the property. I made him aware that he can do even better and create something even more amazing.
I have been writing about him a great deal, and I have gone against my word a hundred times where he is concerned. It is as though part of me is more curious than prudent and I just want to feel something different sometimes. But it is more than that. I genuinely care about him. So imagine my surprise when everything goes pear shaped with him? Somehow, he gets performance anxiety and the whole thing feels just awkward and sad.
Then today, my new friend, whom I have been chatting with for several months now has sort of made his interest known and then acted upon it. I shudder to think the number or millions on people on Skype who have used it for all types of foreplay!
What all of this is making me wonder, is what am I going to do? What exactly is going to happen? I did not expect all of this in this way.
My ex lives here, so he is the most immediate person. But unlike my friends, I do not have an active sex life. In fact I could still say, what sex life? At my age, I am sort of set in my ways. Wondering what all of this means now? It feels strange because it has been so very, very long.

So, we are standing there kissing and slowly taking the clothing of the other off, and we spy the bathroom. He steps away from me, and as though we have been together forever, he looks around for towels and I scout for soaps and body scrubs. We kiss again and we go exploring the bathroom, that turns out to have a sunken tub and as the water quickly fills up, w
I sit at the tub and he slowly undressed further, before me.
My heart is in my throat as he does this, because he is indeed a walking Popsicle. I want to devour him instantly.
But instead I stand and do my own striptease and as I get down to removing my bra, and just standing there in my lacy panties, I hear him expel his breath, saying to me, I didn't realize that I was holding my breath and then you go and take it completely away from me.
I blush and he kisses me again as we step into the wonderful, warm water.
..............
He has his strong hands in my hair and pushes my head back slightly as he takes my mouth again. He feels so hard all over and I am shivering with delight.
He moved one hand behind me and reaches for the liquid soap and it slides down our stomachs and as we move closer, the lather foams up and smells of roses and lavender. He bends slightly and licks my now taught nipple and sucks on it and as he does this, caressing my breast, I moan into his mouth. This is an amazing feeling as his cock begins to strain against by stomach, I reach down to touch his beautiful length and he let's out a low guttural moan of delight. He turns me around under the warm sorry and caresses my breasts and down my stomach to the heat between my legs, that he parts and caresses with assurance as he leans my head back and kisses me deeply again, pushing his erection against my ass, getting me very turned on.
I lean forward and his hands caress my ass then and he kisses down my back and kneels and takes my warm, wet centre into his mouth, licking me to perfection, then placing his finger over my clit and lovingly rubbing it. I cannot believe how skilled he is, and I am very vocally moaning and pushing myself against him.
He stands again and bends me over, entering me with such thoroughness that we both moan loudly, his hands over my breasts again and his mouth on mine as I tilt up, greedily wanting to feel him in every way.
We both keep moaning from deep in our throats and I feel his body tightening around me as he whispers to me that he is fuming for me so hard, and then I hear him give a loud, guttural moan and his head goes back for a few seconds, his body undulating around me as I too cum, telling him so, as he continues to embrace me, his chest heaving with the exertion of the moment.
As I come to myself and my head bobs forward, and I look him in the yes, he smiled at me with his whole face and gives me a laugh of triumph and as I smile back, he grabs my neck and kisses me deeply again. Only then does he s.ip out of me.
We catch our breaths, and bath each other quickly and towel the other. We seem giddy with joy, but we are also tired, and as we get to the large, plush bed, we collapse into it when he raises the duvet. I get in and he embraces me and kisses my ear, whispering to me how fantastic that was, and how much he enjoyed every moment of it and does not wNt to let me go.
.........
We quietly doze and when I awaken, he is standing looking out at the evening turning to dusk. He has ordered food for us and turns to look at me. He is wearing only shorts with his belt loose, and he makes my breath catch in my throat as I look at him looking at me.
No regrets he says softly and reaches for my hand, turning it up and kissing it.
No, none, I reply. His eyes are raking over my naked state.
I watched you as you slept. You look so beautiful, he tells me, as he sits on the bed and reaches for my neck to kiss me long and deep. I am all worked up again.
..........
He lays my hand over his arousal and I place my hand inside his pants, happy to see that he has nothing else on under it. I squeeze him lightly and whisper in his ear that this is the best meal that I have ever shared.
He looks at me and gets over me then, kissing me continuously and shimmying out of his pants.

A few days ago my neighbor and I went to a large mall to do a project. I had not wanted to go. It would take up time from important school work, and she has a tendency to get easily side tracked. But I had promised her, and so, I went. Well, after the prize giving, which was the project for her paper, we went to the food court. While there a very handsome and well built Indian guy came up to look at the pastry menu at the spot we chose. He was wearing one of those school tee shirts with the trademark and khaki shorts, very relaxed. I looked at him and chided him, half asking, half telling him that I hoped that he really went to Warton's.
We got into a lovely conversation right off the bat, and it felt completely easy with him. However, we were both dragged back to earth by the people around me and those around him. I did not even get to ask his name or to give him mine.
This is the second time in months that I have met a man who attracts me in such a way. So much so that last night I decided to actually fantasize about him. It was completely sinfully decadent and satisfying.
I could actually see the scenario unfold to perfection and I was quite impressed with how far and how detailed my mind can be. What I liked about doing what I did, fantasizing about someone I only spoke to for a short time, was that it showed me how far I have come. I can think about a possibility without restriction. So I want to write what I thought about here.
............
I was out, somewhere, perhaps the bank and I had just completed my business and as I went to turn to leave, securing my money in my purse, I literally bounced right into him again.
I started to say, oh, I'm so sorry, my hand had gone out to steady myself as I was turning and I felt his hard thigh against my hip. I looked up a bit flustered and came away smiling, as he instantly recognized me, as I did him.
What are you doing here? He asks me, and his infectious smile has me smiling back like a drooling school girl. I say, what one does at a bank, how are you? Your still here?
yes, he says, I don' t want to leave I told you.
You did tell me.
We look at each other for a moment, and I blush and look down at my bag and shove my ourselves at last into my bag.
Hey, he asks, as we clearly both have been to the bank, how about lunch?
I look at him and smile and I say, sure. That would be fine.
He puts out his hand to have me walk ahead of him, and we exit the bank. He has a rental car and I get into it. I am completely comfortable with him, and I am very beautifully dressed. He also looks as gorgeous as ever in another tight tee shirt and jeans that fit him very well and sandals.
As we drive off, I ask him where he would like to go, at the same time he asks me. We both laugh nervously and he looks at me again, with a deeply penetrating gaze. I suggest one thing and he suggests another. We drive down the Woodbrook strip and then he says, very impulsively, do you mind if I say something to you?
I give him a look of, I suppose?!
Can we just skip the formality for now. I would just like to make love to you.
I burst into a short giggle before I look him dead in the eyes and tell him that I was hoping that he would indeed move past formality.
He smiles back at me and as he heads towards The Marriote, he reassures me that he is never this forward, and I let him know that neither am I, but that somehow, this does not seem to me to be wrong or too soon.
He gives me a wistful look, his eyes smiling along with his lovely lips.
He finds a parking space, and we go into the hotel. He holds my hand, our first physical contact, and I feel no concern about anything.
We get into the elevator and we are still holding hands. We do not need to say anything, and as the doors open, he leads me down the corridor. He has the key to swipe the door and we have a moment of giggles as it gives him a moment or two to hear the click.
As the door opens, the room is perfectly warm and sophisticated. But I barely register this, because he takes me into his arms and kisses me so perfectly that my head spins.

Now

Feeling flu...eeee tonight and able to spend some time not thinking about school work or projects...although I did, I had a moment to get a gist of a future project that I would like to do. I had collected a number of images of women last carnival and tonight I saw them done on voille and other filmy materials, in plain white frames. Sometimes I would add a bit of color to define what they were wearing. From seeing these pieces on a white wall in my mind, I formed an idea for the work that I was supposed to do for Jouvert. I will also include a Performance for the show. I have not worked on my own stuff for quite some time, and I got very excited about what I imagined. I may even be able to start as soon as I feel better. I think that I have some netting already.
This is how I shall combat my dirty little demons. I will shore up my highest good. I shall be my cheering squad. I will be my lover and believer and muse and friend.I always have been anyway.
I will talk to myself when I am tired and want to believe that I am stupid and unable to stand on my own two feet, and I shall say....is that all you got? And plow through and do what makes me so damn amazing, because I know that I am amazing.
Before I met him, I was very self contained, but there was this little cancer growing in me telling me that who was I kidding, I could not make such a living with what I believed I wanted to be doing. For a very long time that even seemed to be true.
But guess what?I do not believe that bullshit for a minute anymore.
I am exactly the right person that I am meant to be AT&T is very time,and I will succeed.

Finding out about myself

So often I think that I have taken way too long to get it.dealing with my ex husband today and hearing by the way about one of his brothers doing well, I felt a pang of sadness.when I bothered to probe my thoughts I realized that anything that bugs me is always about myself and about things that I secretly want for myself but have not accomplished as yet.
I felt as though my life was on standstill.
Now this is not true. But something in the comment that my ex said allegedly to our child about me, although I dealt with it at the time, it did carry a sting. He said that I was stupid.
Now this is simply his being very nasty. But it hurt my feelings anyway. There is still and possibly will always be some small part of me that has an insecurity about being liked.
As I looked at him today and felt all of the heaviness of hurt and regret, another side of me was being defiant, telling me, come on, can you really see yourself back with this person just because your daughter would like it to be so? But not only that, how can I even consider going back as a better place to be?I would be creating an extremely delicate illusion that would crumble at the first argument and painful insults hurled at me. No, I know that at was not it.
But then my red side stirred up and asked me whether I have been. Reluctant with my other ex because somehow I think that not giving completely to intimacy would somehow keep me in a place where I may harbor hope of some kind.
I flushed all of those dirty bastards out of my mind finally and confronted what I was really feeling......damn normal.
I was with this person for my entire adult life. It takes time to get through the loss of a living person who shared so much with you, not sharing this anymore. What do I expect?
And as far as not living my life, I have had these issues before I even met him. I have so,e serious fears that I have worked through in my life and I shall work through more and conquer them.
Letting cliches catch hold of me, when the right thing to do is to push through and get beyond the typical poor me feelings is what I will do.
It does not matter that he looks and acts successful and has all of the outward proof of it, and I am making small steps. They army steps! I own them. I am proud of myself and I have many things that I want to do for myself and for my daughter and the world at large.
That has always been how I got caught, thinking that someone else seems stronger and righter than me.
It helped to stay safe.....or so I thought.
Well no more.

Musings 2

The business I am creating is based on all of the work that was done last year with the band. I am now looking at ways to continue that, and at ways to make it happen.
The work shall require the creation of a warehouse space eventually. I also want to have a small staff. What I need to do as well, it to look at other business models and compare and contrast myself against them. I know that there are some places here that are like my idea. One or two of them work all year long.
The second thing I must do is to know what I may need to learn. I certainly will over time have to buy materials and machinery. I would also like to train and put people to work.

Musings

My class today was very good with Charan. It brought back an old memory to me. I asked myself the question, what do I think my life was supposed to look like today? I certainly never saw myself as a divorced mother of one living at home with my parents.
I realize now that I needed someone to tell me some things back then that I am only hearing now. One of these things was that i should not allow anyone to tell me what is best for me. I had to tell a student that just yesterday when she began to cry when something that she heard, she believed to be negative.
I did have this belief that I was passionate enough about what I wanted to do, but I had too many doubts. I think that I needed to have people around me who understood my ideas and visions. But then, I did believe enough in myself, it was just that I never seemed to feel that I had enough money or some other issue. I suppose everything in it's own good time.
That what it's are pointless. But I did think that I would have had the stability of a lovely home, ability ton travel and a husband with whom I was still very much in love, who supported my ideas and vision and had his own successes to boot. Someone I really liked and who made me feel very comfortable and secure within the union.
We would go on family vacations. I would have had one or perhaps two children much, much sooner, and they would be nearly grown themselves. I think that that was what was supposed to happen. He would have been liked by my whole family and we would have spent vacations at the relatives in Canada and New York, but we would also have enough money to travel with hotel accommodations made.
That was probably the life that I was supposed to have made for myself. I should have had some business where my name was relatively known, I keep to a slightly pretentious , upper middle class attitude of privilege, and had only friends like myself, further securing that attitude.

I would be getting out of my Land Rover, going to my home in the best part of the country, considering what else I could do to keep myself well toned. I'd be happy, but wonder what life would be like if I had taken some risks.
......... It was interesting to do that exercise, somehow do not feel a particular attachment to that what if, as though I would have liked to have had it. Even though much of my present goals may be inside there somewhere.
I am here in the present. I have the chance to make the life I want to make now. I am not interested in a what if?

It's the where am I going now that interests me. Can I get an amen!

Sensual two

One of the things I had to ask myself about feeling so sensual today, was whether I was re ing these things authentically? Was I getting blocked on my ex husband again? Part of the exercise in the car was of me imagining him taking me to a hotel that he had taken me to once many years ago. The whole scenario for me was of him acting in the present. So we looked as we do now and we were wearing what we both had on today. I watched the whole scene unfold in my mind, and I realized that what I was actually doing was observing a cleansing.
In our last two years together I felt completely rejected, the toughest part was the feeling of sexual rejection. It truly played with my feelings. I had to work very hard to not take it personally. But I did not always succeed. I internalized it. I know it. And this is why I seem to pull back with any man who shows interest, and there are four men who have shown interest. They are all living abroad except for my other ex, who is married. So, I have chosen what may be seen as safe men. Men who really cannot commit to me or me to them.

That aside, I saw my ex husband and I in that lovely hotel room, and we were both awkward for a moment and then got right into the familiar in a way that was heavily erotic to watch in my minds eye.

He apologized and I apologized and we cried and held each other and we definitely fucked over and over again, and I realized that. I have been holding back and burying how much I have had to just give up all of that. We had so much together and I had to literally take an axe to all of my feelings and bury them down deep. I remember the hardest thing was burying my missing intimacy with him. That made me feel like I was going a bit crazy for the missing it.

Confronting it today and then acknowledging to myself that I deserved to play out in my head the sort of possible closure I could get from a fantasy, seemed to me a very healthy thing to do.

Sensual times

This morning I got into the car with my ex husband because I had to go to his office and then later in the afternoon he had made an appointment for us to see then psychologist whom we had seen a few years ago. The reason we were going to see her again, was because of the nature in which he has been proceeding of late with information that he gives me.
I got in the car and yet again, as we got away from the house, he cAsually let's slip that the appointment is cancelled. Naturally I got upset with him, and this made our daughter upset. She thought that we were quarreling, and she said so.
After she was dropped to school, he realized that he had go back to his house to get the computer that he forgot, so, on top of everything else we were now running late.
It was at this time that I did something unexpected, I apologized and said to him that it is unfortunately common that I react to his mood, and that I have done so because of how long we were in a relationship. I told him that I would
now promise him that I would become more conscious of this and not loose myself in his mood. His mood is his responsibility.
after I said that, I calmed right down and actually felt much, much better.

On our way back from picking up his MacBook pro, he was playing the usual pleasant music, including adele's Nevermind. I decided to rest my eyes.
Then I began to get very relaxed indeed and some wild thoughts started to jump into my head.
I recalled our life together. Particularly our sex life. I allowed myself to follow wherenthese thoughts were going. I am not dismissive of thesenthings any more, as doing this helped me overcome a sense of intimidation that I once had over someone who is my lecturer now. It was very helpful somehow myself at the time to imagine him sexually. Once I did that, I never felt that intimidation again.

So, I thought of just turning to him and asking him to consider us just leaving the office early and going somewhere to fuck each others brains out. It was almost funny to be feeling these things so close to him with him none the wiser.
I remembered all of the things we used to do and to enjoy together. It got me a tiny bit sad, but it also made me feel a combination of arousal and happiness too.

When we got to the office, we got right down to work and my impulses were goading me to go up to his ear as he bent his head in his work and tell him very breathily that I would always love him.
I almost laughed at the prospect of doing this, because my mind ran ahead to the possible reactions to such an extremely left field decision.
Naturally I ignored my impulse.

These feelings kept me feeling as though I was on a mental and physical high all day. I am not sure what an artificial high is like, never having had one, but I would assume that it might be similar to what I was feeling. I continued to think about him sensually, and this made me act from a place of quiet. So I was very soft spoken and sweet with him all day, and this actually made him polite to me.
So that was rather amusing as well.

Last night I was having a completely different experience, when my other ex made me aware that I could literally have him every day. For the first time I relaxed into his chest as we talked. Although we have a certain routine, I am fully conscious of the fact that I hold something back. But last night, I let something go a bit.
So this morning when I began to think of what I was experiencing with this other ex, I knew that it was a worthy issue for this diary.

It also reminded me of a conversation with my darling partner. He had asked me about this sexuality of mine, and We both said that I should use it. But at the time, I was afraid of it. Now though, I see that I cannot skirt around it. It is part of who I am. So what is it?
I am naturally sensual, naturally sexy. This is obvious to people who encounter me.
It does not impede me from my work or from having friends and aqua NRA CDs. I do not exploit it. It is just an underpinning to myself. Occasionally, when I am in a sensual mood, I must be guarded, because people who are aware of it, get drawn in whether they p,an to or not, and I mean nothing by it.
The man who is actually ready to engage me would be in for a treat.
Last week at The mall, I had an example of that. A handsome gentleman with very well kept dreadlocks came up to me and stood before me at one of the kiosks. I had seen him earlier at a fast food place. So he said to me,
"so, we went to Wendy's and we went to the mall. Where are we going next?" and without skipping a beat, I casually replied,"the appropriate answer should be, home with you."
fuck me! If I were a man on the prowl, I would feel that directly in my groin. I don't know that he found that forward, but I was surprised at my own reply.

This is going rather long. I think that I should write this in two parts.

2012 wishes

The new year is always wonderful, mostly because you are really programmed by the date to believe that everything is past, tabla rasa.
It is a time to reach out with your mind and create your year afresh.
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For me, last year acquainted me with myself. I saw that I have particular opinions and desires that I am no longer willing to just leave written in a diary.
I know that I have a side to myself that is mischievous, daring and naughty. It seems true that you cannot live one way forever, there must be balance, and in my instance, whatever you may feel you have missed, you meet at some point in your life.
For me, this existence apart from someone I thought I would grow old with, now leads me to a place where there has been some fear about moving forward. Now that fear has been replaced by curiosity and a determination to achieve what I perceive in my thoughts,
I am putting one foot in front of the other and seeing to what I want to achieve.