and further more...

When I was through writing last night and firmly ensconced under my quilt, I got one more thought about what I was thinking about. I spent a great deal of time focused on the worst of what was going on in my life, so I produced more of it. It sounds pretty simplistic. But in a way, it is that simple. I didn't have a 100% horrible last eight years, there were many good moments. But for a great deal of important things, I focused emotionally on them. This was not the fault of myself or anyone else. It was just what it was. I can say now, and intend on being able to say in the future that a great deal of what I experienced was based on what I heard, and what I expected from a situation. Unfortunately, hearing scary, negative stuff is the norm, and I really do what I can to not impose that sort of attitude to people I deal with on a day to day basis. It is hard to find people who are optimistic, confident about possibilities for their future...basic things like that. But what I will say too is that I was possibly not receptive to attracting good advice. In 2017, I shall be looking at this much more. What sort of advice do I get? What am I attracting? How am I feeling about the things that I know I do want? Am I thinking that certain things are not possible for me, and so I should not even try? How am I making things better for me?

Here I am again

To the Vanzant quote the other night, I believe that what has stumped me for so long is this, how can I have lofty ideals when financially I have felt stumped by matters beyond my control? I think that that is an extremely important statement for me to make to myself now. The answer coming to me is that I must understand that the things that have been in my way are just that, things in the way. I can see this year that those "things' in my way were a product of what was "happening' in my life and NOT My life as it were. They were happening to me, most certainly, but they were not because of me or for me. They could have occurred to anyone else. I took them very personally. It took reading an article yesterday about a very serious topic of refugees from Africa going to Italy, and those from Syria going to Turkey. The plight of black women as opposed to the approach of the article about Syrians, showed that one group was clearly suffering greater atrocities than the other. The Writers were simply writing the facts that they observed. I kept wondering where the hell was the United Nations in all of the smuggling, gun running, prostitution and human trafficking? These Writers obviously were not the only people on the ground in these countries aware of what is going on even as I write this! I got completely caught up in the plight of the women and children in particular. I know that I am veering off what I plan to state about my own issues, but I need a moment...I kept asking as I read, why is it that women have no choice but to sell their bodies as they leave one part of Africa for the other and then have to do it all again when they get to Italy? The refugee women from Syria were not mentioned as having any such fate as they flooded into Turkey! I was very alarmed! I suppose that this is but one article, in reading others, I may come to see that it is not just one race of women having to make such decisions. It is all occurring to me right now, as I write this. So, yes, I was reading that excellent article and it got me thinking about the things that affect your life. Things can take certain directions that seem to upend your best intentions. Meanwhile, you my find yourself assuming that the lives you glimpse of others online are so much better than yours. There are little children growing up trying to come to terms right now with what their lot in life is against a child they may see at school with so much more than they have. There is much to reconcile about having and wanting and needing. I remember going to our house-keepers home and finding that she lived with her family in what to me seemed like real love and closeness. Was I somehow experiencing less than that at home? I do not believe so, but they way she and her family got along, I just felt the love and never forgot it. So I found that she was indeed wealthy despite not being materially rich. Lots of things happen to you, and you have to deal with it. It doesn't mean that your lucky or unlucky. It just is. No one really avoids life's emotional roller-coaster. Life is just always happening. So much of it is lived the same way by all of us. We all eat, seep, cry, laugh and connect with each other in some way or other. Sometimes I marvel at how much we don't know as a human race, how much we need to improve and work on to be way better than we are now. I am so grateful that I no longer feel things so close to the skin that I freeze and take it personally. I understand that there is a bigger picture, that the story is partly obscured. I see the need to be understanding that I am going through an experience and that it just is what it is.

Just do IT

Recently I read a quote from Iyanla Vanzant. She has been pretty big for many years in the Self help and Spiritual books field, having been on Oprah countless times until they fell out over some issue or other. I also heard from many people that Ms.Vanzant frequents my country and got her start here. I would not be surprised. Anyway...she made a quote about the fact that you cannot succeed if your self-esteem cannot surpass a certain level. I thought that that was interesting, as I have encountered that. I have seen the way students and the like say things and cut themselves off from their best because of fear of the unknown. I remember most pointedly that I knew someone who said to me that they wanted to make a certain amount of money a month, I cannot recall how much it was now, so I will just average. They said let me say, $15,000. SO, ok, I say to them, alright, imagine that you can get that amount a month. Before I even go further, she amends it, she says, well, she's ok with $10,000. So I then ask her why she decided to reduce it that much? As I ask she goes down even more to $7,000. I was so dismayed by how quickly she whittled down her dream. On another front, I have a friend I spoke with last week who was telling me how upset and disappointed she was with someone she's close to, because they neglected to do something that she expected them to do. When I pressed her about it, and suggested that she too could have mentioned what was forgotten, she brushed it off and blamed the person for not being able to read her.That sort of logic is infuriating! I am more determined than ever to get a tape recorder and observe myself, because if I do one tenth of what people around me do, no wonder results are always so skewed? Why do we behave like that? What is it about wanting certain things and then talking ourselves out of it? I am here on this blog tonight to give myself a good scolding if needed. I am about to embark on two projects that I have never considered before, and I am nervous. But I am not facing out of either one. I am just mentioning my nerves becauseI am completely out of my comfort zone with what I am going to be doing soon. But I have to do it. I have to give myself a chance to diversify my skills and to achieve certain things next year comfortably, and I am certain that these two things will be very good for me. I have been seeing thins that I thought about being done by others, so I am confident that these two projects are things that will work well. Seeing those concepts from my past done in the ways they were done tell me that that proverbial belief that creative people reach into the heavenly space to literally drink from a cup of inspiration, is an excellent metaphor, because it sometimes does feel like that. If you don;t do certain things, someone else will do it. The beauty is that it won't look like your way, but it will be done and you can actually marvel at the prospect. Some of these old ideas happened to be as follows-: The baby bag/rocking/vibrating pillow idea. Two, the standing from a wheelchair prospect....I designed that idea a few weeks ago, so the person who came up with the prototype was obviously working on iy way longer than that idea popped into my head. There are a few others that do not come to mind as quickly to write down now...and I am being bombarded by some new ideas, like this afternoon, I was writing an article and reading from another one to get a reference, and I found that I should be able to literally swipe my finger across the quote from my Macbook and see it embed itself into my article on my I-Pad. I also find that everything on one machine should be automatically transferable to the other machine as a matter of course. So many times I have images on my I-pad and have to email them to my computer! Sheesh. it is about increments of minutes, yes, but I am already patient for newer and faster technology. I can't wait for when 3D technology happens naturally on a computer interface that will no longer have any screen because it would basically be hologram technology. The things we see today will one day be integrated together to make things even greater, and that is something that I am really looking forward to.

back so soon

I meant to write that I have been giving much thought to what can only be termed, 're-inventing' oneself. Although that is not exactly what I would call my rumination. Of late I have been listening to people I know when they talk. I can practically predict what shall happen to them because of how they unwittingly speak about themselves and their lives. in fact, I am very startled by how much we give away our intentions with the cavalier way we speak about our expectations. I am so caught up with this at the moment, that I am considering buying a tiny tape recorder and taping myself so that I can actually learn to speak differently where needed. I am completely convinced that all of us human beings speak our lives into existence every single moment. I am even now conscious of my thoughts when I am not speaking as well. The things I tell myself that definitely sometimes undermines my desire to do things better. I have seen how much improved I have been the year. When I feel anxious, or I get into a negative self talk, I have been able to pause and sot of step back from what I have allowed to come to me, and then been aware of my breathing and feelings and then I ask myself, why I am feeling that way at that moment. It has really been extremely helpful for me to do that. It has actually made me feel markedly better. I have had one big explosive emotion where my ex was concerned this year, and I came to terms with the fact that I have some work to do where being triggered by him is concerned...and I think that perhaps I may not be expected to always disperse my feelings, a blow up is a big feeling, and maybe in the future I may find that I have completely overcome any need to have them. But for now, I will not act as though getting one or two from time to time is some horrendous setback. ..... What is coming up for me as well is a reminder about gentler feelings. As I have made a huge step to look away from focusing on negative things, I find that my focus on nice things really have produced more and more of the same. So much so that my tolerance for people saying negative things can make me hyper aware of the need to double up on thinking as opposed to their thinking as I possibly ca, I don;t know where all of this is leading me, but I am very satisfied with what I have been experiencing.

twenty sixteen possibilities

Many are calling 2016 antis horribilis as the Queen had done the year that Buckingham Palace had a fire. But really it feels that way because as someone wrote at the beginning of the year, it only seems as though many more disasters happened and many famous people died, When in actuality, it is simply that with more media, we just know more and more people are being made famous as well. But it was a hell of a year in terms of some famous deaths indeed. From our former prime minister to Cuba's first prime minister, to Carrie Fisher and her mother dying a day after she did, today. Amidst all of that, it is clear that one has to more than ever focus ones attention on getting on with what one needs to do. Over the last few months I have been a sympathetic ear for people I know, and I have had to be very patient at times. I have also become very mindful that I cannot allow myself to be anyone's therapist, as I have not caught the job and I have things that I was able to do this year, and it certainly does not include my being distracted by those who want to vent their frustrations that they themselves cause and I see as actually being their pastime, for any and all advice is almost surely less than taken. That may not sound fair, but here in this blog, I can say it. As I know that I have helped, But for myself, I shall be creating a change of scene for me. I found that not driving for example, to be a colossal pain in the ass this year.I need to look into getting a car. I was able to come up for air from being always in the courts, so that was fantastic! I did quite a few things form career, and I shall definitely be continuing to do much more next year. I am excited and looking forward to seeing my efforts come to fruition, That's wonderful. I am feeling better about letting go of things that I was sentimental about. I think on some of them from time to time, but they are just minor visits of the mind. I am not brooding, and that is great as well. I am up for new experiences that will help me explore new ventures, so that's very cool. I missed writing here, so I set out to do this tonight, and I shall write again before years end.

The year is nearly at an end,and I have much to think about. It has been some year. I got to do a few things that I had on my agenda. Of the things that I did not accomplish, I did work at them. So I did not spend the time unfocused. As far as personal things, over the last few weeks, I realize that my social live is now becoming a reality. There are things that I have to start going to again, so next year, I may need to consider that in a much bigger way. I ended a very long friendship for my own peace of mid and wellbeing. I still think about it, but I know I made a good decision where that was concerned. I acted as opposed to feeling as though my life was on hold...I am most grateful for that!!! I felt and feel that I am getting somewhere for a change. I have been able to think about things from a much happier place. I can imagine and dream and plan, and that's saying a lot. One of the things I must do next year is to spend at least two weeks somewhere beautiful, without a care in the world. I've had my ups and downs with my ex, but, I have changed my approach, and that is also going better now that I have. A few tweeks here and there, I need to do. .:.:.:.:.:.:.I had planned on stating much more, but now, this is just a note.

There comes a point where you just have yo walk away. I have been having the usual predictable behavior with my ex and this evening, when he was up to the usual, I just decided to hell with it, it is time to just say no more. I always wondered how I was going to do that when a child was involved. Now, I think I can see how to do it. I simply will have no communication apart from texting about our child, and that's about it. I was always hoping for better communication. But now,I give up. No mas! ............... Meanwhile, my little one who is very much into story telling, mentions to me that objectification of women is something to do some kind of expression about. SO I am definitely encouraging that! I am very impressed. ............... Then, I have my own things that I am looking at as well. I am now, finally in a position to do much more now, I am still busy, but I can actually see how I am going to plan the next set of things that I want to create. Also, more and more things are coming to me, and I will have to juggle quite a few things. The beginning, when I get my eureka moments and then the rush of ideas is the really fun part...and then, I love the second rush of thoughts that mingle and come up like water, for judgement as they ebb and flow. I have so many options now. I actually want to do all of the things that come to me. I at least get to enjoy the process. I am looking for a spot to permanently put my stuff for working. ................

More Views ...... In the past I was so uber sensitive about doing the right thing and being seen as balanced and fair. Now, I am more inclined to branch out on my own with everything that I once thought of as the only way to think or to see things. It's basically called experience. Lol. I have spent this week focusing on starting a business. I discussed it with someone I just recently met who wants to start her own, and we got very chatty about a lot of things, and it was fun. My research shows me that I have alternative ways of doing two of the ideas that I have been toying with, one for the last three years and the other for the last three months. I am also now reminding myself of where I started out many years ago for the one that I have been focused on for years...it allows me the opportunity to do quite a few things online now...writing, beautiful imagery from the book I have been working on, past projects, journal excerpts, possibly some video work and a statement. When my partner died I did not realize how much has death impacted the work we did together. I now realize that I stepped back and grieved. I grieved although I was working. I took projects that did not showcase me...I was just doing stuff. Now I do not choose to continue to be neutral. I shall be trying out some new things in the next few weeks and months ahead and I am psyched about it. It is about time that I get back on my feet and see meaning in something that I have never stopped loving, but have put on the literal back burner. I shall be documenting some of my approaches here, and I cant wait!

Something just occurred to me, like an aha moment. I just realized that those moments in your life when you are feeling things strongly, and your debating in your head about which path to take...those moments are critical to how energy works. You can choose to just ride the wave, or you can decide that in those moments you can be still and allow the feelings to wash over you like a wave in the ocean. Allow yourself to just feel and be. You don't have to read the wave of uncertainty. Everything is not etched in the sands and making you have to go down that path instead of the one you bury deep inside of you because your afraid of what others may think, or may do, to stomp on your plans. None of that is real. So many times when people share their thoughts with me about their lives, I can see so plainly that they are being kept back by gossamer threads that they allow to tether them to the spot. But like Gulliver, he stood right up when the little people tried to capture him as he slept. What's important is the ability to have a creative thought quite separate from whatever you think your reality is right now...have that wonderful thought, protect it...shine and polish it and nurture it and know that a series of these thoughts will bring better, and eventually you'll do better and be better. You don't have to settle for what you think this present is. I always admire people who start all over and achieve great things. I just saw a short film this morning about a Japanese model who is in his seventies. He is an inspiration. It is necessary to get up in the morning and embrace the day, and push to see how much greater you can make yourself. Thats the whole point. You don't know how great you can be so go for it.

Better ...... Today I took the time to look at my finances and the way things have been for the year. It was a good wake up call. I was able to be very matter of fact about everything, and in so doing, I even got to see some patterns I have when it comes to my decision making and attitude about money. Then, with the whole Kim Kardashian theft of her jewelry in Paris, someone sent me an image of her husband, Kanye West, saying that he is $53Million in debt so naturally he'd stage the theft of $10Million in jewelry. The world is a very skeptical place. But that aside, the silly meme was helpful because it reminded me that more people than I can imagine are possibly living in similar debt, and still having a life. Life doesn't stop for debt. It can keep you small or you can be pragmatic about challenges like that. Get up in the morning and definitely be grateful to see another day. Find things to look at that make you smile. Every day, little things will creep into your day to cause anxieties of all kinds. What I am asking myself now is how and when am I going to re-write my history? ............. I am not settling. I am seeing my plans, goals and dreams actually turning out as I expect. Just writing that alone feels very good. .....I do not know when or how my expectations became so tentative? I know that I have never felt as though my country was one where I was on a level playing field. Now thats not unusual, but I never felt completely confidant about anything. That is where I need to start thinking.Only in the last few years have I been able to not see things that way. ....too much thought.

more thoughts ...on love... For me I have always known that friendship is at the heart of any other type of relationship. Particularly one that is romantic.Without being friends, I think that a romantic relationship cannot really be strong. ...on work... The things that I do to make a living are things that I enjoy. I am one of those people who can be placed under...love what you do, do what you love... Well, guess what, that sentiment is not actually accurate. You can love what you do, making it very enjoyable, but it doesn't mean that you'll make money or become wealthy...although it should mean that. ...money... It's good to have it. No doubt about it, and every day, when you can't pay your phone bill or see to your health because you don't have the finances, is a day where despite logic, it means everything because you weigh yourself by money. You feel really bereft when you can't pay for things. Your very attitude changes when you don't have.When you have, you don't think about it. You spend. Your needs are close. When you don't have, your suddenly small...anxious. Its crappy, and that's how it is. No matter how much you tell yourself that it isn't that way. ...sex... It is all in the head, and it is personal to you. Your attitude about it is everything. The hope is to meet someone who makes being with them something that feels right. Sustaining attraction takes the work to want to explore things together...to want to share your fantasies and to be really comfortable with each other...see friendship. ...wealth... As much about health as it is about literal cash.I have seen people with money spend the last year of their life as if in poverty. So what is wealth? The pedestrian answer is having more than enough.Put that way, then wealth is very attainable. Having friends,a job,family...that can be all part of wealth. ...on life... A big part of living is in always having ideas and plans. It is essential to be motivated.There is so much to blindside, to scare, to beleaguer, to doubt...you need people or at least someone to talk to whom you can trust or at least want to speak to who can listen without judgement. It's nice to hear from myself. I am going to do this from time to time.

As usual my ex manages to encourage me to write things that I probably would never write otherwise. The behavior that I see with him is that of someone who refuses to share. He gets into these phases where he's reasonable one moment and then completely out of control the next, for perceived slights. I am now inclined to consider him bi-polar. That is actually helpful to me, because if indeed he has an issue, then, I can stop thinking that I am dealing with someone who is acting normally. Writing about him here disappoints me, because I should be writing about other things. But I don't mind this, because I am doing it to draw my own line in the sand. It is clear that I have not been able to end some old habit that links us together still. Anyway, it is also hinged to my plans the next few months, months ahead and so on and so on. Being clear about things, things that when I was still a teenager and a young adult...I used to plan and talk about with a certainty of intellectualizing them. It used to be something that I enjoyed doing...name a topic, I would give it a certain amount of thought. massage it as though it were some prized thing that I was delicately honing. I probably still do it, but it is less clear to me and I would like to bring that back to my life. ................ I suppose it is as it is now because life is way different than it was then. So much was ahead of me and now,I have a great more experience. That may be why I fantasize less, and that's a shame I think. ................ Right now, more than ever, I feel that it is imperative to have clear views that I hold to. As I said, its already inside in a number of ways, but its not thought about...like the fact that I am happy with two blocks of ice to make a drink cold. Or that when I have to do extra long walks, I have a certain type of high hell that I choose over my other pairs. I have some preferences that comfort me. No doubt about it. They help me save time and they represent some of who I am...my ways of seeing. ............... But that is but a very small part. ............... I am trying to get back to some big things. Things like the way that I know that I used to believe that money was the most important thing to buying everything that is needed to be happy. I have learned that money is finite. You may feel like a big shot for a time. But everything you buy rots, stands still or devalues. The things that do not devalue must be bought in abundance, and the moneys needed to do that takes work and sacrifice. But many people see that as the only way, so they do it. ...then, there is the fact that large chunks of life is spent in predictable moments....how can you make yourself remarkable? When your a teen or young adult, you feel that everything will be mapped out and you'd just follow your map. But then, your map starts getting tampered with. ....You still talk about traveling and love and friends and excitement...but somehow, life shrinks many of these plans. Now I find that I would like to focus more on that, but I don;t know how to do it so that it becomes a bigger part of my life.....

When I was in my twenties I used to be very worried that there was no space between my controlling my life and life controlling me. I used to feel like I was losing the battle every day. It took some time to acknowledge that I was making life that question. Am I in control or being controlled? That is not a foolish question. But it is not the only one on which to chart your life. Recently my ex-husband wanted my support with our child, so he did what he does, which is come across as a reasonable person. I bit because when it comes to down to what matters to me, I do not consider anything that he says more important than the welfare of our child. So, he annoys me, but I look at the act like one looks at a mosquito. It sounds like a lot next to your ear, but you can swat it away. What's bothering me now with him is that he's a mosquito that is now thinking himself privileged to come around doing what he does. I was hoping that by now he would be smart enough to notice that we are still tethered together, and that playing the game he plays is not only old, but played out. But no. He insists on being predictable, and now I must do what I can to throw him off believing that I am also predictable. From his standpoint he looks at himself as a victim. I know this because we have had that in common. Once he's doing that, all the power that he has, he uses it from that emotional space. Only one thing can shift him out of that and that is for me to counter his actions with big, bold moves that leave him bleeding. I can't really do this right now, I do not have enough to work with, and such grand gestures are such that when I make it, I expect that he stays down on the mat. A friend who knows this whole story tells me that he will never let this alone. It doesn't matter what I do, he'll keep upping the anti with me. I say, if that's the case, let him up it watching me through a telescope far away from being able to cause me any concern. He can only matter if I let him matter. I have gone up and down about him. He mattered for almost all of my adult life. I am writing now and fully aware that he still matters, or I would be able to write about other things and give absolutely no time to writing this. So I have to do some ego work here as well. Put the thing into perspective. Acknowledge that a bit of hating him soothes my soul for now because I would just like us to get along instead. But getting along makes me too comfortable and complacent, because the moment I relax, he'll stand up and try to kick me. I could leave him in a cage and run, but we are tethered by our child. Are we really? I have to be so careful, I might be writing this thinking that this is about his behavior but its really about mine. Months ago when my relationship with The Towers became something that I did not give a second thought about walking away from, I realized that I made the best decision for me, and it was right. Yet, what was interesting about my decision was that I saw something in myself, a hardness perhaps? I saw what my divorce has done for me.I can see that when I ask for things in my life that I may be relentless. A trait that caught me by surprise. I can admire it in others, but having it gave me pause. I have played up so much of my softness that my hardness, shrewdness I have to learn to accept that in me. I still somewhere don't want to make so obvious a mark on things. However, I also know that ti succeed, I must do so. I must even perhaps make a hole to drive through. These are the feelings and emotions that are my make up now, and I shall continue to write about it here because it is something that I have not even written in my everyday journal as yet. This is the first pace that i feel comfortable to state it in.

Before going to bed tonight, I thought that I would look at Chef's Table on Netflix. I have decided that every day I am going to do something to bring myself joy, and looking at a show that I find edifying and beautiful is a win/win situation. During the show, it dawned on me that sometimes I must remember that life, really well lived lives come from just believing in yourself and in your vision.stop wondering how things are going to work out for example. There are thoughts going through my head all of the time that deal with what I would like to be able to say or to do, and they get restricted by all sorts of distractions.Sometimes its because I am afraid to fail. Failure can really feel like a setback too great to surmount sometimes.It is necessary to see it for what it actually is...a tool for learning to proceed with more information than you began with. AM I teaching my child that life can still be lived with wonder?I have to lead by example. I might bring that across in my work, but I can do so much more. Tonight I am going to go to sleep and ponder on this. I look forward to the answers I get.

In a world where selfies, I-phone 7's and Instagram rule the day, it sometimes feels as though stepping aside from the rush of daily life is somehow a dramatic move to make. When I wrote the other day about my Auntie Sapphire, I really was moved by the person she was. I have aways found that I look at other things and other people, ascribing power of some sort to them. I would be impressed with anybody but myself. Lol.I could vicariously state what they had done or what they planned to do next. There lives seemed more precious or special than my own in a way. It was subtle, and I could have missed that I was doing that with my thinking. It was not to say that I was not hoping, wishing or planning things for myself. It was just that in doing so, I was not inclined to 'invest' in my own thoughts about my wellbeing. As stated before, it was easier to look outside myself and ascribe emotion to someone else life. For years I began to slowly adjust that thinking. I would write in my diaries at the very top...focus ONLY on what You want...very suspicious of the word...YOU. You could very easily push my thoughts to 'other'. So I eventually got around it, to writing, Focus on WHAT "I" want. This proved to be a challenge as well, as my bad habit of not wanting to confront deep emotional adjustments would instantly latch on to where my thoughts were going and distract me in so many ways. it would become exhausting to push my mind back to finding my answers for myself. An example of this part of my thinking is as follows-: on my job, I may be doing a task and someone asks me to help them with something else, promising me payment for my efforts. I agree and approach the task with gusto. I might even finish faster and truly make everyone look good once its done. Then all of a sudden, the same promise of payment becomes something murky. Something vague...i am told to write to this person, go to that office, ask this or that person...I know that someone has played a nasty game, and that my payment was a way to steal from me. My habit is to drag my feet. The whole thing now becomes so unpleasant to me, that I take my time bringing things to justice. That is my attitude, and this year, I have been confronting that about myself. I have pushed and stayed on topic. I have NOT allowed the awkward situation to get the better of me and made excuses for the unfairness done to me. I have pursued the unjust experience and called people on their callous behavior. It has made me stronger. I still feel a sense of dread when I have to stand up for myself in matters like that, but I am now doing it and not stepping away.

some wonderful things happened this week that I must record. I thought that I had lost some work of mine about a year ago. I kept intermittently looking for it, getting more and more anxious as with every attempt I yielded nothing. I found myself discussing the loss with two colleagues of mine and they both tried to see whether they could help me retrieve it online to no avail. I really appreciated their help, and when I got home, I looked in the same location to see whether I could find it, but I too was unsuccessful. Then, at about one thirty in the morning I sat bolt upright in my bed with a very strong hunch about where I might find what I was looking for. I put on my computer, went to my oldest email address and typed in the name of my old partner, and there, very simply was his email to me with nine files of the images that I had been looking for for so very long. I was aghast and grateful at the same time! I thanked him and thanked him in my heart and on my lips as finally I was able to go to bed, comfortable in the understanding that I had finally found what I had searched for for so very long. The fact that I found it did wonders for my faith. I suddenly felt great confidence in my ability to be still and know. But I also thanked my darling boy, for he knew me so well, and I did him, that I almost laughed at myself. How could I not have thought that I would find it where I did? All of this time I had recalled that he had shown the images to me on Wordpress that I gave him the password to, and asked him not to tell me because I had some serious work to do, and did not want to be distracted by writing on the site any further while I got my deadlines met. He died, and I was never again able to get into the account. At that early hour in the morning, when I saw what I had been looking for, Ifelt that he and I communicated this situation to happen as it was meant to. ...... Being still and knowing continued to suit me, as just today,I finally had the opportunity tithing about two of my large goals, and discuss them with my mother.Usually, I would feel a bit uncertain when telling anyone, particularly my mother about my plans. I did not feel that way this time.I was speaking with a knowledge that I had thought out the good, bad and indifferent regarding my circumstances. I caught no approval.I was speaking aloud, being conscious of stating in the moment the very real intentions before me, and it was good.I had not done that in a long time. My ex-husband's text messages to me this week that threatened to upset me was the catalyst to buoying up my personal resolve and strength. I have much to do, and what is wonderful about what occurred this week is that I know that I turned a significant page in my approach to my life. ..... I thank another person long gone, Auntie Sapphire, thank you. You were so ahead of your time. You were so fearless and so beautiful, wise and kind. The thought of you jumped into my mind as I spoke to my mother, and I remembered how much you used your creativity and boundless energy to make things happen. You may have had moments of defeat or doubt, but I never saw you being disparaging or despondent. You took people under your formidable strength of character and your warm smile and good heart never made any of us feel anything but love and regard for you. The memory of you this week spoke to me and said...go be the pioneer that you know you are. Your here to do new things, build new vistas, the limit is only there if you place them upon yourself. ...... My heart vibrates with love and pride at the fact that I have reached to this phase in my thinking. I am deeply grateful

Earlier this year I was thinking about how much emotion can lead your life and how much that can become the only thing that you can think about and feel if you observe it. I believe that a great part of romantic relationships are lived out as purely emotional experiences heaped together with constant need for validation and approval. I am actually not trying to make a judgement on emotions,it is simply an observation. It sounds stupid because everything you feel is translated into emotion. But somehow, it is in my thinking, not worn on your visage the way love affects you. You can have emotional about your profession, but logic can guide that predominantly. Facts and figures can mask those emotions. There are many things where logic and practicality can keep strong feelings at bay. It can come a time where you can actually feel that your very sensible and reasonable. So, I set about testing the theory. ................................... Emotions trump logic. ................................... When you are led by your emotions, you fall out of step with everything else. You are letting vibes guide you. It is addictive and religious in its strength. No one can shift you from your position. Media and other forms of indoctrination seems to be hard wired into you and you would argue with your very conscience as to why you have to do whatever it is that your instincts are saying to you. It is almost funny. In some ways, you almost cannot fight against instinct, you can only defer it. Again, I am probably writing nonsense, but I want to put these thought down.

There are times when I have definitely felt as though life was going by without my input, and I must state here that I have also spent a great deal of time thinking that that was a bad thing. It's funny, but being indifferent and allowing life to unfold is a very spiritual choice. Yet, I have felt that somehow, it means that I have been failing in some way. I certainly felt that way when it came to my ex husband a few days ago, where I started to have a conversation with him about our child's future learning opportunities, and all he did was remind me of the court orders. I was so crestfallen! I felt as though nothing I have tried to do has made even a slight dent in his mind. I am also very, very tired of having to go through his mother to get to him. i thought when he was ill last week-end, it would give both of us the opportunity to see how fragile life is. But truthfully, he has not ever had that sensitivity. I was so hurt that I decided yet again to have nothing to do with him, and to focus only on the time that I have access to our child. I have always felt that he wastes time, and time is such a valuable thing. I think that I need to just give myself a moment to lament that and move on.

When I do not write for some time,it is always because I have some issue getting into my blog. It can be frustrating. But tonight, I have been able to, and it is a cold, wet night, perfect for curling up in your bed under your quilt. My ex is under his with a bad cold, and I am concerned about him. It is crappy when you feel something for someone, and in my instance concern, regard...they have never gone away, even if I thought that I had buried them. I was at his home last week, and he was as unsociable as he has always been. I was in a very different state of mind then. It seemed to me that my very presence irked him and I had to express my annoyance about it to him. We are in such a delicate place, he and I. We have been through a great deal, and I am still chafing from it. Yet, we are now at a place where the focus is on our darling child. But it is still not actually there yet. We have much to do. I come to my blog tonight because of my mixed feelings. I need to know what I want and what challenges my ability to achieve what I ultimately want. For many years I would say that I wanted civility from him. In a way, i have finally gotten that. But in other ways, I have not gotten that from him, because it is quite superficial sometimes. One moment he seems like he can be cordial, and the next, he's being a complete ass. i have to accept that, and I have, but so often, I just want to throw i the towel, becauseI feel as though all of my effort accounts to nothing. But now that he is not feeling well, I feel really sorry for him. he needs some tender loving care, and I can see that despite how he comes across, he is someone still keeping a lot in. This is not my problem, and he does not imbue in me the ability or desire to want to reach out, because when i do, I am rejected....that it simply frustrates. Tonight though, I would say that I can separate my feelings a bit and state that I will talk to him about some of my concerns. ...... Why is it so hard for me to let my feelings follow a certain pathway sometimes? I am going to try to do it now. ...... Everyone getting along...how nice that would be. Calling on the phone without an attitude...easy conversations between rivals...visits, very comfortable meetings...Then, between he and I, the same. Conversations and meetings are easy for both of us. Awkwardness is gone. I actually feel that we are achieving something good. It does not have to be romantic. It has to be mutual. Just writing that make me feel lighter. Imagine I do not dare write something so simple because of the experiences I have had over three decades. How good it would feel to be able to catch his eye, smile and laugh from a genuine place. To be friends. What a relief it would be to me. ....... What's wrong with putting that out there? Imagine holding back from something that would bring so much joy. I am glad that I took the time to do it.

watch yourself

A friend of mine contacted me with a job that I can't do because I am almost at the end of a deadline that I cannot break for the task in question. So i put him on to three different people. Only one came up to scratch. The other two, who happen to be female, completely flaked. I was disappointed in both of them, because I chose them ahead of the guy who showed the most enthusiasm. More and more, I am seeing that there are people I come into contact with who complain, and complain bitterly about the way life has treated them. They say, if only I had this, or, everyone is so unprofessional...and then, when I spend more time knowing them, I can see as plain as day that the very thing that they complain about, they embody. Right now, I take that as an opportunity to check my own temperature. It is very easy to complain. A few years ago I read in Science of Mind that complaining is a form of learned helplessness. The worst thing about it is that it is easy and it prevents you from solving whatever the issue is. Instead, the goal at hand is to vent, and to vent to anyone who would listen. Once vented, it is cast aside. It is actually a highly selfish act. Instead, I am interested in action...in purpose. There are a number of things that I am very keen to see happen, and I no longer need to share it with others. If and when I do share it, it is with those who can assist in making the thing happen. There is no time like the present to act. Act now, act from where you are. Just know that the point is to DO. This is paraphrased from the great Tennis star, Arther Ashe. ...... I recently caught myself nearly complaining about my personal space or lack of...and I am very pleased to record that I caught myself and placed in my thinking instead, the pleasure of a small act of joy that I could share where I am now, with my child. That put everything in perspective for me and got me right out of what in another instance would have been some self pity party. Adjust my thinking...improve my world.

new leaf

My ex husband wrote me a very touching letter recently. I read it and just sat contemplating it. I was so surprised that I did not know what to think. It felt a bit like my interpretation of the way that Russia and the United States must have felt after they both looked at the other post arms race. It is presumptuous of me to compare, but it felt like a huge shift had taken place, and finally I could replace certain thoughts that had become outmoded with new ones. To me that is no small thing. I have waited for the day for a very, very long time, and now that it is finally here, It is bitter sweet. Finally I can make plans without the wretched thought of reprisal upon me. There is much to be said for someone making certain that they make your life unbearable. Yet, I have had to forgive him at the same time in order to move forward. I feel also that I can finally, finally make plans related to myself for a change.Almost a decade in a quagmire of sorts. Now, I can remove the gossamer view that seemed to separate me from what i desire to do. I took a long time and I am not going back. I learned so much and I am armed with new knowledge. .......... I am setting a course. It consists of moving along as quickly as I can to keep my debts down and my savings on a steady course. The world has been so crazy. The latest issue with Great Britain leaving the European Union would attest. There is so much uncertainty. What do I know for sure? I can certainly say that although money is very important, so is the need to create legacies...It is important for me to build my own value system...create the paths that interest me and can help not only myself but others as well. I have had a few great projects come into my life and I have pursued them and I continue to do so. I no longer feel that my dreams are pie in the sky ones. I am not afraid to be unsure. I am no longer focused on thinking that I cannot accomplish certain things because I do not have the or that to do so. Today the girl I met at the market called me. She had some disparaging things to say about two people I know, and as she spoke I saw that her perspective comes from a place of ignorance. She is interested in getting ahead with some work f hers, and she has made efforts to help herself at any means necessary, including walking into the offices of business people and staying until she can get some sort of support. I say, if you can do it and it works, then by all means. However, she does not seem to realize or care that for certain things, there is a process. She does not take advice at all. I got her to think about doing more work, so that was good, but it had to be said in a manner that made her receptive. But to be fair to her, she dead with chronic pain and lots of financial uncertainty, and she reminds me of my own issues in the past, so I have a soft spot for her abrasive character. I write about her tonight because we all take different routes to getting where we need to be.I remember years ago complaining about my salary only to find out that it was way higher than some people I know. I felt so badly afterwards. But the truth as I now know it, is that you can always do better when you know better. To me, educating yourself, having a plan and following that plan through works for me. Whatever works for her, she clearly knows what it is. Who am I to stall her progress, even when i think that she is like a bull in a China shop? ............. We all want to do well. We want our money to be a security blanket. We want to be able to have a few things of our own. We all want love and friendship and laughter and vacations. I am so mindful now of living now and not getting bogged down in complaining and missing the present..and the present is named that for a reason. ............ My child was talking to me about college, and I thought about my expenses over the next few years and how old I will be. I believe that it is important to gift my child with the knowledge that although the world may seem a scary place, there is no need to be fearful within it. My role as the parent is to bring confidence, ability to think critically and on your feet...having a sense of fairness and regard...being yourself and thinking for yourself. All of this matters to me as a parent to my child. The things I want to gift, are things that I believe and hope shall serve in the best way for a future I have no knowledge of. ............ I have spent an awfully long time worrying about what money I do have, and about the things that I do not have. Now, I have worried them out of favor with my plans.

As things heat up with my personal work, I have one or two new projects on the horizon to begin to prepare for. In so doing, I realize that I now need a bigger space to be in. I am going to also spend some time again on a very old project that I have started and stopped at least seven or eight times over the years. It is such a strange thing, I have longed to see it completed, but that very fact that I don't is caused by wanting it to look very specific. At the talk that I did two nights ago with some other colleagues, I was asked twice to start writing more publicly. That was nice to hear, but I also realize that I gave the host an ok on what she read about me, and I left out so much of what I do, it was silly. But at the time, I felt that because of the forum,I didn't need to toot my own horn. I feel that finally I am coming into my own. I am seeing my direction. What's funny is that, it may not look like much on the outside. But because I know what I want to do, I am no longer thinking the way I used to. I have worked very hard to shift my way of thinking, and I have seen it pay off. For so long, I had a certain mindset. I knew that I had my beliefs that mattered to me, and then, I had the beliefs of my family, my supposed superiors and then the world at large that comes at you as popular culture. I have fortunately always felt a twinge of discomfort to things that fit too well. I am also distrustful of information that people parrot as though it were fact. When I encounter such things, my breathing slows down and I instantly find myself filling the information away to research just how true the conversation is. Without that, I think that the world would be completely unbearable for me. That, and of course choosing a creative career. I have also begun to just feel grateful for where I am and what I am doing. I have always said that I regret that I did not enjoy the moment more when I see old pictures of myself. Now, after facing the losses I have, I know that it is time to find my way again. Or at least to better. I spent a great deal of time saying that I cannot do certain things because I needed the money to do them. That was not untrue, but there were also so many things that I could do that do not take up a lot of money or any money at all. I need to focus more on doing and less on limitations, and I have been doing that. It's a good day, and I have good thoughts about everything now.

intrigue

I had a lengthy chat with a male friend of mine today about a number of things. We are working on a project together, so we are constantly in close proximity. We have chatted on this subject before, but this time we were able to explore the topic a lot more. Some of the things he mentioned has me curious. We both concluded that the world is such a contradictory place. But what I will also state here, is that as long as a person perceives things a certain way and only looks for the same in others, the likelihood of seeing anything else possibly is dim at best. In this instance, my friend stated that he wished that he could be rid of his sexual desires. I found this a dramatic statement and asked him why he felt that way. It seems that his experiences have not been the best. He attracts women with dependency issues. On a side note, I think I shall tell him to search himself and find out whether he attracts what he fears most or is? That way, if he works at it within himself, he may stop attracting such women. He is presently so far gone that he tells me that he is willing to pay for sex instead of having a relationship. He says that to him, most men need much more sex than they get from their partners. and...here's the shocker, he believes that women see sex as 'degrading'. Waw! That's a lot to take in. Now this is a very nice guy. He isn't even thirty seven yet, and already he is thinking this way! That blows my mind! Then, he went further to say that there is also the issue of incompatibility between men and women. He believes that many men do not even bother to try to have conversations with their girlfriends or wives about their real sexual desires for fear of insult, rejection or indifference. I have heard this from one or two other men I know...there is the whole thing about women wanting romance and men wanting sex, and I brought that up as the compromise. We both were also conscious of starting out with little suggestions and compromises leading to big compromises...would the requests never end? Suppose the desires bordered on the truly bizarre or painful, homo-erotic or truly deviant? What then? I know that this shall not be the last we shall speak of this, but I believe that his views, though relevant to him, are largely the product of both his experiences and his hard wiring by his parents and others closest to him.

strung together

RANDOM thoughts....a friend of mine has been extremely distressed about her children. I have been as all friends should be, a listening ear...but I could not help hearing something different this time...misery loves more and more and more of itself. My friend was so caught up in feeling the very worst, that I practically could not shake her out of it. So tonight I am writing a series of good thoughts as a balance to what I listened to today. ......... Buying myself flowers....having them on the table where I work...listening to soothing music all day long...drinking water with some lemon or mint...having a plate of tomatoes, sweet peppers, olives, dates, cauliflower....a bowl of cranberries...a soft pillow at my back...my book of positive quotes read at any spot...dark blue glass of rum punch...painting my toenails...a long bath...a massage with scented oil...smiling at a memory or two...hugs and kisses...crystals hanging at eye level...feeling contentment...fresh fruit...a green drink...sand underfoot at the beach...breeze...nakedness...touching tentatively...wrapped in a beach towel...running...holding hands...cold water...cup of coffee...unwrapping something that I wanted...Lush soaps...Lavender...Roses...Lemons...Grass...Rain...Chocolate...M&M Chocolate Candle..cinnamon...mint...marshmallows...oranges...great conversation...cashmere...silk...wood grain...Architecture...Eames chairs...Le Corbusier's chaise lounge in pony...handmade objects...leather bags...diaries...Balinese umbrella...small brass elephants...large throw pillows in hot pink...dark blue...dark green...lime green...orange...blue red....paintings...love letters...personalized stationary...ribbon...scented ink and Italian handblown pens...tassles on keys...pearls of every hue...coral earrings...love and laughter...the horizon and puffy clouds...traveling...pressing flowers in a diary...reading an excellent book...a bowl of pomeracs...lazy days...no worries...outdoor eating by the beach...or with friends in a back yard...swimming naked...a great view and complete privacy...sexy text messages...a long scenic walk...salads...fresh juices...LOVE...LOVE...LOVE...eye contact...dimples...jokes...silence...feet in a thick rug...the nights sky...

I am finding out more and more that for some things I feel socially awkward. I am not too different from my mother who is always busy doing so many things, and I criticize this way of being because it means that some things just do not get done. Yet, I am falling into that pattern again, trying to burn my candle from every end. In my instance it is because so many things interest me, and I want to get them done. But this is about my feeling unusual or finicky with some aspects f my life. Enough time has passed for me to be able to say that I would really like to be able to go at my own pace and not feel that I have to do this or that because it is what I should be doing according to some unseen dictate. I do not think that I come across as though I do, but still, I feel that way at times. Then there is the matter of feeling tired, missing the people in my life whom I felt closest to, and finding that there is just no substitute for them. I have made new friends, but I have not felt that I can be completely myself with them. Everyone who hs come into my life in the last decade are acquaintances, colleagues...not real, real friends. PerhapsI have been stand-offish? I am out of sorts tonight. Some sleep till be my tonic, I know. Yet, amidst all of my belly aching, I have promised myself something much more important and that is to nurture my best thoughts and that is what I will and must do.

I have come a long way. When I think back to the amount of energy I dispelled toward men,I cringe. I feel as though I made my life revolve around them. As I have deliberately worked on a few things this year, leading me here, I am so satisfied with myself now that I can see with confidence that I have put all of those dead thoughts behind me. I did it by doing much soul searching and real hard mental work. I started by understanding that I had a tendency to get into a lot of negative self talk that would go on and on. I knew that my ego was the culprit. I began filling my thoughts with new experiences and new information. The more vivid, the better. Then I began being more open to what I was listening to and picking up on the unsaid with greater awareness of what it meant. I also began to notice that my desires changed. I began to remember mown needs and my own goals as something to put first. Those small adjustments have gone a long way to helping me move forward in a way that I should. I presently have been going to bed and waking up with my mind ONLY on what I would like to experience in my life, particularly where my next steps need to be regarding my career. I am now planning on following that up with more allowances for 'new' sensations about seeing myself achieving the things I want to achieve. ....................................... I am thinking of getting married this year on my birthday.It shall be a very important experience for me, because my thought is to marry myself. I shall be looking for a ring, and I have decided to write myself some vows-: I promise to love myself and be kinder and gentler to myself. I promise to take care of my mind, heart and spirit with good things...so within so without. I promise to listen to my body and my minds needs and to take my temperature at all times, not to be dogmatic, but to hold myself to account for my actions, as I endeavor to respond to things in my life from a place of balance. I promise to forgive myself for my transgressions without hateful, negative self talk. Above all, I love myself because I am. ..................................... A mountain top shall do, or any space that is wide and pristine would suit me. I would make myself something simple, yet special. I would invite those closest to me to share in my marriage. I would have a small, intimate reception where I would encourage my guests to embrace love and loving themselves as well. I would have a Nun at my ceremony. ..................................... I am considering this very seriously, particularly because, after all that I have been through, it seems that that is what has been missing in my life. I believe that my symbolic act shall bring me great personal satisfaction and alignment. By doing this for myself and no one else, I would be declaring myself as independent and free to really be me. .....................................

Pure

There was a point where I had a hard time reconciling whether my life would mean anything without certain things that I saw as symbols of success and happiness. But lately,with patience and a greater awareness of other ways of seeing, I know that i was boxing myself in. Also, part of my brief system had a lot to do with my experiences and the environment. I now have a completely different view on what was once a conundrum. Now I see the opportunity to make of my life whatever I choose to make of it. I do not have to fit in...hell, I never fit in anyway, so to have had this stump me is truly odd of me. I recall several years ago when a favorite tree in Ellerslie was cut down, I felt bereft. It has also happened with a few historical landmarked houses as well. One day they are here, and like no bodies business, gone the next. That helped put into perspective my nostalgia. Last week, The Towers invited me to his second home in the hight of The Valley. It was an amazing experience. For the first time I chose to suspend any expectations and enjoy being in the moment. He seemed to feel the same way because everything was easy going with o pressure whatsoever. I was so grateful for that. But more importantly, because for once it felt like two friends enjoying the environment, I felt completely liberated and more so,mentally free. It got me to thinking that that is a big part of being successful in life...letting go of expectations and allowing things to unfold naturally. Of course their are times when only a hustle or determination can move things to their expected progress. The opportunity to shake the cobwebs out of my head and to enjoy pure air and spring water did me a world of good.

Fear,fear,fear

Confronting what frightens me is so important to do.I have had some issues that have stumped me in ways that have made me feel incapable of acting. In the end, a decision was always called for. Sometimes the issue turned into slow going. But they eventually came to an end. Going through the whole thing felt like agony. But there was no giggle room towards the solution. Now, I feel differently about the unknown. The unknown is out there...it is always a series of variables that have to be looked at. My poison has seemed to be about money. I have felt so many times an impotence brought upon by situations beyond my control and recently, someone wanting to make my life difficult, quite deliberately to advance themselves. I do not want to feel dazzled by this issue anymore. I choose to think my way out of this illusion once and for all. A fear, any fear can be paralyzing. Mine certainly felt that way. I would put effort into solving the dilemna I was facing. I would give it the good old try, and then bam, I would feel like someone or a whole universe seemed to be conspiring to make certain that my one step forward would be preceded by eleven steps back. Many times, I took it on the chin, or shrugged off the situation. I didn't want to believe that what was happening was possible. Surely, a bit of positive thinking, a good nights sleep...a new strategy...a knocking down and a new plan would help me? Surely?!? The conclusion that I come to now is based on looking at the way other people I know handle their poison. I have observed what we have in common. A big thing we have is the mythologizing of the problem. It is almost romantic, stating the issue in bold parentheses.We speak about the poison enough to have the answer inside the problem, laying nakedly out in the open...yet, somehow, we are completely blind to the answer? Why? Sometimes the answer is something we just do not want to hear or to do. The answer may be to leave the situation. But we are unwilling to start all over again. Sometimes the answer is to start afresh with no hindrance from the people who assisted in the creation of the problem to begin with. But, again, that sounds impossible...we are too old, too set in our ways...we see no way for this to work without pain. The known is safer than the unknown. Sometimes, the point is t yank off the plaster, set yourself a task, take one tentative step, then take another and plan for the next step and don't look back. Keep taking the steps. yes, your cold sweating. Yes, you feel faint and nauseous. Yes, you want to scream. Take the step anyway. That is how I see things now. Take the step...the alternative is not worth the risk.

Confidence

There is nothing like having the right information at your disposal to make decisions. There is nothing like turning around old ways of thinking when you can think critically on a matter and realize that the only thing you got wrong was that your thoughts were outmoded. There is nothing like seeing that whatever it is you can dream is more than just possible. It is a wonderful thing when you come to the realization that you don't have to listen to anyone with their tales of woe and fear as the only way. I spend a great deal of time establishing a sense of confidence in others. Sometimes when I am speaking, I would like to hear myself saying it back to me, so that I can go out into the world feeling as stoked as I know I have just made others feel. I have been a product of my own mis-conceptions about life and about people. I have had to accept my own past ways of seeing and thinking for what they are.Once you stop asking permission and start following your own dreams and yearnings...when you start knowing that there is nothing wrong in taking your own temperature, and going with your hunches and speaking out when you don't feel that that something serves you....the power behind that is amazing! When finally you can say without flinching or fawning that you know what...I want to experience this, this and this. I don't want to experience that. Also, when you can say to yourself, you know what...this is how I want to do this...and some of it may work and you may make a slip up on the way, but you still make a decision and press on...now that is golden. Every step I make where I am making it for my good, is a great step forward.

delight, delovely

Some friends I know are on the radio now, speaking about business and Art. This ends a week of so many yummy talks and lots and lots of looking at work of all types. Some of the work has been my own. I was tempted to go buy some materials this afternoon. But I held back, because I have real, serious stuff to complete for a deadline. But, what I shall do shall be quick sketches. In the past I have been dismayed when Friday comes around and I have not achieved anything creative . But only this week, I realized that I am always thinking of making and doing, and I am now giving myself the opportunity to start things...no matter what, start my things. I am eyeing the dining room table or this table that I use like its my home. I spend a great deal of time at it. Instead of being concerned, I am very excited that everything shall happen in time.

Over the last few days some things have happened so quickly that I have not really been able to table some time just to focus my thoughts. One of the things is confronting my over sentimentality. I ruminate on things sometimes, it's not a bad thing, but it does keep me in place at times. Now that I am looking at it more critically, I think that I should set some parameters about how long I should stew on something that I am feeling. That sounds a bit odd here, I know, because in some ways, how can logic transcend the need to heal from something? Equally though, how long is it healthy to go over and over certain things in ones mind? I think I spent at least fifteen years with Frequent Flyer somewhere in my heart, holding a torch for him. It is so easy to feel disgust with myself. If I look at it baldly, I can state that part of my reason for doing this was because it felt safe to do so. It did not cost me anything to indulge a bit of flirtation. So it lasted on and on, and as I always write, I thank someone who snapped me out of it about five years ago. But it took what happened last year to drive the message home. Then, yesterday, speaking to The Towers, one moment we were communicating, the next, he sounded eerily like my ex-husband. It scared the shit out of me! I got the creeps! It woke me the fuck up! What the hell am I manifesting? Why is this happening? Questions started pouring into my consciousness at rapid speed. I needed to distance myself as fast as I could. Now, I have written here that I have missed my ex-husband at times. However, there is a great deal that I certainly do not miss...and I know for a fact, that the only way in hell that I would ever consider getting back with him, is if he changed so dramatically that I was changed by it as well. That sort of thing only happens in novels. The first argument we would have would break me. It would be hard to allow any old patterns, even with promises to work on it. I see that that would be the case when I interact with him now, and I hear myself speak. Perhaps one day soon I might write about that specifically, because now that I know that I attracted my ex-husband AGAIN, I am very challenged by that. I assume that "you attract what you are"so, I am...aggressive,power driven,emotionally stunted, socially awkward,selfish and callous?!? Waw! That's a lot of negatives. Those traits loom to the fore that I take issue with. So, according to the law of attraction, I attract what I observe most, and I attract what I am, that is why I am repelled by it. That is hard to swallow, so I shall take these bitter pills one at a time. I have had issues with control. I do want to control my life. I can be passive/aggressive. I don't believe that I am emotionally stunted, I find that I feel empathy acutely for others. But, ok, I may be stunted in the area of giving myself emotionally to any man I have encountered after my divorce. I am closed off. That is true. I do not give of myself, not really. I am selfish in that way. Am I callous? Again, also, perhaps I am. I got involved with my ex boyfriend and arrogance led me down that path. I genuinely felt that it would be harmless...a fatal mistake. I did not invest myself emotionally, but he did. I don't know why I ever thought he would not. On the outside, I would never peg myself as all of those things. I don't look that way. But that does not men that I do not have a hard edge. I have always said that I do not want to show the other side of me, because she is damn cold and can be brutal. I now suppose that, if I did not show her, she would manifest anyway. It sounds like I am Schizophrenic, and perhaps I am? As I write, I see that embracing all facets of myself are necessary for my going forward. Attracting more of something I do not enjoy has never been my intention for myself. Yet, this is reality. Nothing is always 100% one way or another way. Everything is about variety. If I want love, I must love. If I want softness, I must display it and so on. I had to systematically become chaos, go through men...discombobulate myself where I didn't like me. I acted against character in order to grow and it was damn scary. I spent so many decades being just a good straight and narrow girl. it felt fucking awful to go against type. I was most fearful of being disliked! Not being able to fix what I broke. It has been damn hard not to feel constant guilt about what I see myself as now. Yet, I know that it is for my best. I have to shift and risk to grow stronger and to achieve the things that I really do want, and I have to do it because good girl kept me pale, pastel, watery....I couldn't find myself there. I was dying every single day by being everything for everyone else. I have written this now, so I can work with this. No more men to distract me from the essence of why they were repeating themselves in my life. I can down the weapons now. I shall continue to write and update myself on my work on this. But for now, I am damn grateful. i have passed a very serious test and I am very glad that I can see beyond what i thought were possibilities to truly something dynamically better...finding myself.

A few creative people have expressed interest in helping me with my work. I have come up with a name to give the project. But now, I realize that I was thinking in too limited a way. The very idea that that is what I was doing has me a bit frightened out of my mind. I don't know how I am going to make it happen? But then, a dear friend of mine gave me a great pep talk. She said that I have been working at this for so very long, I have perfected it, and I do not need any more damn preparation...she said this, because I kept talking about further research. I did not even see that that is always a fallback position for me. The comfort of going over and over the way I want something to look and to be and all the rest of it. She drew up my thinking for me so perfectly that for a moment I wanted to be in her place saying what I wanted to have come from me with such assurance. But then I remembered that so many times, I have seen so easily for her to the point of exasperation. So, I listened harder. My interests are so broad. I'd like to do a project with organic food and drinks for the grocery stores....I'd like to do environmental packaging....I'd like to do contemporary/antique furniture....a men's collection....limited edition bags....Art books...a newspaper...how do I get all of that done with the support of a variety of Artisans and make money? That is what I am not quite seeing? I think that I need to step back and sleep on it, because I know that my answer is in there. It is very possible to do what I just wrote. I was thinking the other day that it would be cool to be considered someone's muse. But "I am my own muse'" I always have been, and that would be a great audacious tagline for the brand that I have already come up with for all of this wonderful stuff that is scaring the bejezuz out of me in a good way. I thin that I might have just gotten part of the idea actually. I have wanted to draw, create and build an Architectural sculpture/Performance/Space where one of a kind things can be sold. That would be a way to "Do iT." I could set up in spaces that are related to the works as well...where I work, my friend's frame shop...a pop-up shop at that. The success of one can lead to other Architectural structures...and everything would be for sale. Including the structures themselves. The whole thing could be like an Olafur Erickson experiment..only it would be about my own creative processes. God, the whole thing is arrogant, audacious and exciting all at the same time. I like the way it is igniting me as I write this. I shall give it some serious, serious thought and see what kind of business plan I can write around it, because it is about making money from this venture. I have done without much for so damn long, it is now time to stop hiding myself under all of my perceived limitations.

My new thing is to focus on me more. I have some goals that I have set for the year that I am determined to see through. The first one being an alternative means of income from the job that I now do. My other work seems to be just as challenged as my day job,so this is the most urgent part to me. Then, I have some personal projects that I must complete. They are exciting. I also have a project that came through my job that I am extremely happy about. I have had to put on the breaks about it though, because I have wanted to follow protocol, as I should. But this weekend I got a call from the person, and I am now at a place where I have to move forward so that the thing will not be stalled and come to nothing. By moving my focus away from the things and people who have caused me so much anxiety, I am doing what I always do best. This is just right for me at this time.

What a week

Hectic, hectic, hectic. But great where growth is concerned. I have learned so much. With the big project I am doing, I have learned to talk out aloud my plans and my misgivings. I have looked at the ways people communicate for power and influence. I have learned how easy it is to be challenged by your own perceptions of things and the immense value of holding your opinion and observing things instead. I have seen how things can turn on a dime. I have seen how one moment ones situation can change from looking up, to looking no different than it did before. It has been a ride indeed. It has helped me to get to know myself better as well. I have been made to step forward and out from behind my own comfort zone. I have had to be swift with my decision making...something that I like, but also something that can sometimes feel overwhelming. I feel anxiety about aspects of this new project, but I can bask in the knowledge that I have the wisdom of others to support my way of seeing and doing. Family are coming in for Carnival and a whole lot of new stuff is being added to the equation on top of all of this very soon. It is a mad house. But I know that as soon as it becomes what it will be, it shall be on to the next thing. Then, amidst all of these things, The Towers has stepped back into my life like nothing has happened. He has been in high spirits as he should be, as the gorgeous images that he sent me of his second house almost finished would attest. But as I have always stated, us as friends will always work. Anything else is awkward. The person that I am concerned about is frequent flyer. Ever since our last conversation in December, we have not spoken. That is extremely unusual and unheard of for us. I will admit here that I really do care about him very much. He matters to me as someone whose best interest at heart I seek. My thoughts go out to him and I hope that whatever storm he may be ridding out, that he will weather it well. He has prooven to be a trooper. If I have lost him for now, I know that we shall pick up sometime, somewhere. Imagine that no contact could sober my real feelings up so sharply? I almost want to laugh. What a week.

Already the year has begun for me with much to contemplate.i am very busy, so that has been really good where I might have observed differently. I am doing well with my focusing on better and stronger thought forms. Particularly as one person in my life helped me so much with that. Michael was such a horses ass, trying to play me against our mutual superior with a project that I am doing now, that all I could do was see the demerit of his stupid actions . This is someone I have known for decades and have only ever helped and wished the best. So imagine my shock when our mutual colleague voluntarily tells me that Michael wrote him a letter criticizing me about a past project that I actually invited him to participate in. Anyway, enough about him. He did me a great favor. I got to see myself from a position of strength. The other matter is a personal focus of mine that I am wavering about in an odd way. I have written many times about wanting my ex husband to be more respectful and the like. He has proven to me that he is trying. But I have my moments where I fall into suspicious and angry me around him. He helps of course, because we both know how to provoke the other. How can I constantly state that I want certain things and then act in a contradictory manner. Surely I have to see the forest for the trees? So, I am working on myself more.

Pondering

There are many times that I have felt that I wish that I had known more much sooner. Yet, there is satisfaction in the knowledge that I glean a great deal when I learn something new. It feels really weird to be so very over people for whom I spent a long time focused on. I also could not understand how I could have observed people so intently, and yet not received the things that I wanted to experience from them. My perspective now is to keep my focus no matter what is going on around me. Learn quickly and do what I need to do for myself. Everything else is secondary. It is a new year, and it is a time for optimism that I intend to nurture.