A new decade approaches. To look at my life in terms of ten is something I have never considered doing. However, if I give myself a moment, then it feels like a progression to mark my personal growth that way. The next decade...hmmmm...all one knows is that you know nothing (John Snow) you want to afford the future. You want to be healthy, happy and confident that life has given you more successes than losses.All of a sudden life seems so damn fast. It is as though I cannot keep up ,and I am being pushed along with the crowd. More than ever I am conscious about taking care of my thinking... I have to work on maintaining a good attitude about things. I cannot go through life using my thinking to perpetually hash up the past. I cannot live there. I am now also finding myself asking what is happiness? I don't have to be constantly entertained? Solitude is very enriching to me. After a year of uncertainty for a large part of it, and watching people plot and scheme to insinuate themselves into positions, I am entering the next decade with a shift in my focus of what matters to me and how I am going to work now. A dear friend very kindly told me that what I experienced is not as uncommon as it feels.I just felt let down and tired...overworked, underpaid and under appreciated. The situation I realized was a wake up call. I can be doing other things, and that's the direction I will be taking.

Devastated

Over the last month my family and I have been faced with coming to terms with the swift yet slow, painful death of my mothers youngest sister. One year ago she was diagnosed with Liver Cancer. From then on we all formed a group for prayer and support. My middle Aunt finally travelled to see her a few months ago. We have been communicating with them all of the time, and as they news became more and more bleak, we spoke hourly. and then half hourly and then fifteen minutes apart. We have been devastated by this death. My Aunt was never ill. She had retired from Nursing, and was one of those people who was always so conscious of her health. She ate organic stuff before it was even popular to do so. I shall be writing about what her death means to me for a long time to come. ............

debris

I was speaking with my mother a few days ago and I was telling her that she and dad brought us up to feel very optimistic and confident about the world. I internalized everything as terrifying though, and very early my sense of perfection coloured how I viewed my own efforts. I believe that only now do I feel the confidence that came from theorizing things, Life and experiences gave me a sense of the pessimism I expected. I see it in others too. I think it comes from a number of places. Internally from family experiences, but also from what you are listening to and reading at home and then hearing from people in and around your family, including Teachers and aquaintances. I think that the subtle self talk and ambient noise of the world can settle like silt at the bottom of your consciousness and get stirred up whenever another type of stress gets to you. It is a constant struggle. I have written here over the years of looking in on the lives of people I know and of strangers, observing the knowing smiles, the everyday normality of a hug, a good talk producing laughter, a parent lifting a child into the air, and wondering about the fragility I felt at being on the other side of that. I asked myself many times what was it about me that was leaving me feeling as though my world of happiness had been blown up and I was sitting in the debris. I was sitting in it. Most definately. My mind was sitting in it, trying to find the horizon that shone through it. I kept asking myself, when would I become friends with the only person I could not ignore? When would I just trust myself all of the time? When would things someone said off-handedly not wound me and leave me in a ball of pain? When would I take up those great moments of confidence as a permanent battle cry? Then, very, very slowly I saw myself as a person for real. I saw that I will have moments of doubt, of setback, of pain, of confusion...but it would not have to hang around me like a bad smell. It is life happening, and I am inside it and part of it and I am a shard of that energy and refraction and reflection and I am right where I need to be.

bright lights ahead

The year is nearly at an end and I am looking back at it. What I did, what I didn't do (yet) and what I want to do soon. This year my time has been cut down by scheduling between my mother and aunt regarding my fathers health. The time that I get with my daughter has also arbitrarily been cut down by her father. As usual, I have had projects that I have wanted to establish this year. I would say that I have had this same mood about that for the last five or so years. I always feel that I am so close, and then things have not worked out. I feel that closeness again, as I am presently waiting to get an email from a company specializing in something along the lines of my big project. I am very excited about that. I know that as soon as I have something that I can see as consistent, I shall feel much better about all of the things that presently stress me out in that area. This year I had to confront so much about human frailty in myself and others. I had some breakthroughs with travel and looking in on my self confidence and goals. It has not been a bad year. I could always use more money. Lol. 2020..... I would like to travel more, particularly to somewhere I have never been and want to experience. I have the group show to work on, as well as three books to complete. The months ahead can be filled with everything I want to achieve and then some.

Questions

A friend of mine is currently abroad for three months, she does that every year, so we end up speaking via Skype or Whats App. After one of our chats, she mentioned something that has made me curious. She stated that I know very well that I give myself my own issues to deal with. I agreed, but now I want to take a closer look at that. Time flies, I remember being twenty-one and wondering about this future. I certainly did not see any of this ahead of me. I wonder as well about the next fast twenty years ahead. What will I grapple with, what shall blindside me? What will bring me joy? What am I doing now that I shall look back on and wish or honor having done? Suddenly there is no more time sometimes. Suddenly, the fears are so great that acting in any direction leaves me un-mobile in my mind, but somehow, I want to have these conversations with myself on paper. I would say that 2019 has brought me to a place where I am willing to dream again and to set forward plans based on pure speculation for a change. I finally understand that the planning does not have to be perfect, or even long term. As to the question my friend put to me, I will write that if I give myself these tests, then I shall continue to write them and respond to them the same way. What matters to me now is the times in between. The times when I am not being predictable. I know that I am being a bit of a smart-ass here...about time. I have some set ways, and this year I have been very confrontational with the parts of me that I usually downplay. I have noticed them piping up and have been feeling a lot more balanced for it. The messy and not so messy sides are facets and assets. It is also so funny, I could intellectualize all I want, but there is much to be said for experiences. For whatever is ahead, that freedom to THINK for a moment, to rest in an assurance of your next step...that is so important. You make the best plan or you wing it from thing to thing producing....what? You at this moment. I saw it in an article in "O" magazine once....the actual number of brushed teeth, sleeping, eating, walking that one will do in a lifetime. All life times add up. We all impact each other. It is wearisome for me at times to consider that I am creating my experiences to "feel' something I need to prove or disprove. To add or to subtract. Why? Because I feel everything in the end...and I go straight into analysis mode...why, how? What was the point of doing that? All of that is me. I sit at home and I plot the course and I hurt my own feelings and I get up and do everything all over again in a different type of sequence that makes me feel that it is all new to me....again. What a life?!? Yet, can there be anything better?

Overwhelmed by it all

Today I am feeling a little down and stressed. But I shall be fine. I am just aware of some things that I want to achieve and some changes are happening and I am trying to juggle everything. I had planned to write yesterday, but I got all caught up with some work and thus, I am only now getting to this entry. I was in a very different mood too. But what is good about this is that I know that I shall be alright. I think that that is big for me. I would say that I used to get into a funk and never really gave myself a space to say, ok, this is how it is at this moment, but it will pass. This year I find that the learning has been largely about myself and coming to terms with things that I sometimes cannot change right away, and more so, aspects of my personality that I have watched almost like an out of body experience, feeling out what a circumstance can make me focus on. My level of dis-satisfaction is something that I embrace now, because i know that it means that I will somehow, some way find a way to produce a shift and a change. What I do know for sure is this sense of discomfort is a huge yes to who I am and want to be. The things that seem like a stack of no's and don'ts over the yes's are all telling me that I see myself and know what I do want. There are things that I can no longer tolerate. My sense of neutrality is all well and good, but shit! Come on now, I also see that I deserve so much better with so much that matters in my life.

appreciation

This could be a long entry. But I won't do that. Last year and year before at this time, I remember being very frustrated with where I was. This year I appear to be in the same position again. However something has changed for the better. It started out with the usual sense of frustration and trying to figure out how to move forward. After much effort, I just decided to surrender to what I was feeling, and low and behold,I realized that what I feared most had no power to move me one way or the other.With that understanding, I was able to breathe out. It was as though the ending I was expecting suddenly was the end of one book and the opening of another. That achieved, old considerations came to the fore and I saw that whatever I choose to do next is simply a matter of deciding. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be large and elaborate either. I don't even have to make it a permanent situation. The wash of relief was blissful once known and once I discovered that what I was doing was embracing myself as good enough.

what a thing

A few weeks ago I was in another country, walking in a very scenic place, contemplating my next move in my life and career. It was a lovely, breezy day and I felt optimistic enough to consider the possibility of getting back, as the saying goes, on the market. That wistful sentiment proved to have been true, for as I returned to my home, I was met with the request of a suitor. Yes, I have been watching Game of Thrones and inclined to want to use the language for this particular entry. Anyway, it led me to have a moment where I had to conclude that my mind was receptive and because it was, I manifested the results. Now, less than two weeks in, I have already ended what it could have been before it had a chance to bloom into anything. It died on the vine. This time I was greatly helped to see that it was no one's fault, just a very different approach to life and particularly to love. I am taken by the fact that I have known the person for so long, and yet know so little about their emotional life, although I know all of the details that mattered as a friend. What I know about him as a friend and what I have already experienced as a prospect are two completely different things. I also saw the way this man sets things up to please himself. I do not believe that I factored much in his plans apart from what he wanted. Oddly enough, yet again, he has all of the proper traits. He is a loving son, a hard worker, a creative person, polite, funny, thoughtful...so what could go wrong? or what is it that wrung wrong? Selfish, egotistical, clueless skip quickly to mind. I know, who would have thought. He is very nice on the surface but not too far underneath he is also intolerant. But you don't pick that up until you're in a relationship, or a romantic situation with him. I think it may be that he was made to believe that to be a man, one must assert ones strength...brawn or something over the person one is attracted to?It came about in our conversations. I am not asked what would work for me or if I state what I desire, it is responded to with doubts on his part. He either has never done it, not interested in it in the past or can't afford it. This is so strange the way I have spoken to this person for so many, many years, and now, I do not know him at all...I am cautious with my criticism because I know that you react to what you are at any given time. So I would ask, is it inevitable that I cannot find happiness? I don't believe that to be the case. I am now overthinking. Sometimes people are just not compatible, even if they are friends.

coming in handy

Lately I have been wondering whether life just goes around in circles giving us variations of our lives?I have been friends for years with someone who recently expressed interest. Recently divorced and childless, he made some obvious moves that were quite endearing and being friends, we talked about looking into something more. Lo and behold, he reminded me of someone I had known twenty years ago who is now dead, as well as an amalgam of someone else I have already mentioned. But I chose to suspend belief. I was dealing with the strange experience of taking a friendship I had never thought of acting on, further. It is so funny, You know someone forever, but you know absolutely nothing about their sexual side at all. Thus the awkwardness began. My instinct which has become sharper and sharper, but I have been battling with of late, because I believe that it was on vacation with the last person...was very clear throughout this encounter. It was telling me that the whole thing was too weird. But speaking to a dear friend of mine, the opinion was that this is a long standing friend, and what could be healthier? Basing a relationship on such a foundation should be 'magical'. This proved to be very true, magically mind blowingly BAD. His taste is so unappealing to me that I cannot get around it, and this is after trying just to consider romance, he drops a hell of a bomb on me with what he considers good sex. To him it involves only penetration, caressing the other person and kissing. Ok, that doesn't sound horrible. However, if you read that over a few times it should hit you. It means that foreplay, the most obvious, most (to me) purposeful reason to engage with another human being, is off of his agenda. He just wants to focus on upper body and then plough into female flesh.I have never heard anyone liking that, but it is clear that he has met women who love it, as he said the typical thing to me, " I have had no complaints!' Smirk. I had an instant complaint! What made it all the stranger was that I had taken a week to wrap my mind around the image of him and I actually doing couple stuff and possibly being together in the hazy future. It took some doing, but it began to seem possible.Now I must conclude that great friendship may not mean great romantic relationship! I have seen in the past that common held beliefs about what you look for in a man does not always mean that it translates into something meaningful either.Keeping an open mind is key, but also, I must state that in this situation my instincts were sharper than ever. I just had to say no right away and my boundaries were unwavering. Sometimes people are just not compatible no matter how they look on paper.

Facing my face

A few days ago I had to confront a niggling issue that has very slowly been coming to the fore. I have a friend whom I have known for at least eighteen years. He's probably about ten years younger than I am. He has always liked me, and we have had a very solid relationship as relationships go. I don't call him up to chat, but he calls me up, and over the years it has been simple and easy. About a year ago he told me that he was getting divorced. I know his whole history with his wife and was sympathetic and listened to his struggles with being newly single. Now, he has been contacting me more and more and I know that he is positioning himself 'all how' to find a way to get closer to me. This makes me feel weird. I had an encounter with him about ten years ago when he kissed me in a very sneaky way and stunned the shit out of me when he did it. I never made him feel that he had another chance with me again. At the time I felt that he had crossed a line. Now that he is on my horizon again, he leaves me with much to ponder. I have seen how I have gone from someone who had very clear views and even lists about what and who I would like romantically. I would state that post divorce my experiences with men leave much to be desired and I am now wary and tired of even considering getting back into anything, although while I was away, I felt that I might be ready to pursue something new. This has me dismayed. I must certainly come across confused. What do I want? I will never have an idea situation if I am ambivalent. Why do I feel this way? Well for starters, someone recently divorced is wounded. To get involved with someone right out of divorce to me is a bad idea. I have made enough bad choices post divorce. I still have residual feelings for juliemangoman who I shall no longer give the nickname...my husband. Jeez! Irony of ironies as well, this new person has a lot of similar features to him. He's a great guy.But somehow, I cannot get past how fed up I am with meeting men, or knowing men for a long time and deciding to accept their advances only to have it not work out. This last time to me has proven to be the straw. It has been just too much. I really fell for him and I think that I felt hurt the worst because I never saw him coming. I have not gotten over it. Not really. So I don't want to lead anyone on and make this person think something that I am not ready for. I now wonder whether I will ever be ready again? It seems far off in the very, very distant future before I can trust any man's advances of any kind. This is a bit sad because as I stated before, there was a moment this year when I thought that it may be so nice to meet someone and have a real relationship. One where we speak all the time, send texts, pplan dates, get to know each other, enjoy the others company...make plans around each other...the last time I did that seems like the last century! I am putting this all here because I do want to have companionship and not one that is had with a pet or just a friend. i do miss what a romantic relationship is all about. In fact, despite all of the things that I write, I feel extremely embarrassed to admit that I need anyone. I can't explain it properly, but somewhere, somehow, I don't like admitting that I would like to be in love again. Thus said, it shows just how damaged I still am over all of the relationships I have been in. I guess I should state thank god that they have not been many. I need to write because I want to figure out where I am and whether I really can take such a step in the future where I don't feel as I do now. So I would say that despite myself, I hold out a little hope, and that's not a bad thing.

creating my story

Being away as I have has swept the cobwebs out of my mind. I would even say that I needed a moment for the racing, happy thoughts that filtered through. What I love is going from wondering how to do something to seeing not only how possible it is, but how much it IS happening in real ways elsewhere. I wondered for a few moments whether I would have been so open if I were actually living in Canada as it had been planned ten years ago? I never gave it another thought until that moment. I have no answer. I would like to say that I would have hoped that I would have been making more work and happy Some of the things I have been able to accomplish here, I am grateful for retaining my focus on what I have wanted to do. What matters to me now is the road that I am on now. I am on another crossroads, career choice and country choice again.This time on my terms, and I shall be revisiting the title that I have given for this entry.

travel for the soul

I have been away for a few weeks from my home country. It is good to get away. The distance helps me see more clearly. Yet, this time, I have had a chance to listen and observe others having their own challenges. There is one root situation in all of the variations I have listened to, and that is the person against the actual issue at hand. It seems that most of us hold to our position of whatever narrative we tell ourselves about a particular thing. In so doing, the thing grows with us, and as things grow, we lose sight of the individual parts and everything gels together. So what ends up happening is that even if you could be objective, you are not likely to be completely so, as, as things pile up because you are observing and feeling the thing as negative and an obstacle....more of the same continues to happen. As an outsider, it is easy to see what is going on, and it is easy to think that it can be so easily fixed by changing perspective. However, the person within the experience is blinded to the outside. They are seeing the thing up close. Another observation is that the person may say that they want things to change. But they seem to be stating this while standing in quicksand. They may want help, but they somehow do not know that they have the tools to get out of the sinking sensation. Again and again I heard completely intelligent, rational people make excuses about why they remain stuck even though they completely abhore their circumstances. Looking from the outside my heart aches for the position I see them placed in. If only they could separate themselves from the thing that hurts them and literally float above it. If only they could see the illusion for what it is.

Why do I usually end up writing when I am longing to sleep? My eyes are closing, and yet I must make three entries because I have wanted to come to this space for hours and days now. Not to write anything in particular. Just to meet an old friend. ........

I was looking at the Netflix show Billions. I like it a great deal, and the term, arousal template came up with one of the characters whose lifestyle follows the BdSm path. It got me to considering the language. I see a template as a fixed thing and arousal as a fleeting thing. It tickled me because it sent my mind to the last experience I have had where I was completely thrown off guard by my own feelings. Thus stated, my template was the timbre of a voice. The intensity of a stare, the smell of the chosen fragrance, the confidence of his stance, the stillness of his countenance. The quiet of his smile. The beauty of his person. The subtle give and take between us. The timing, the anticipation of the next move, the not sure, timidity met with determination. The hope , the easiness. The halting struggle within and the reward of more.

two points

It was suggested to me that I do a twenty-one day meditation for my ex-husband. I am on day two. So far I must state that I feel better for doing it already. I decided to do it when he sent me one of his provoking letters. It's been a decade, but he will not relent. I now find it less distracting than I used to, but I still react, however small. Eventually I will not react at all. I am nearly there. What was good about this last experience is that after I reacted, I got quite stoic and re-read his diatribe. I saw all of his language from a position of what actually mattered and what could or could not be done. Once I did that. I ignored most of his ranting and focused on the matter he was requesting of me anyway, regarding the only thing that keeps us rooted together. Once that was clear, everything else fell apart. ........ I have also noticed this week that i attract complainers. This is to my horror, because I do believe that you attract 'what you are.' I have been consciously cutting back on grumbling about things, but when I speak to people I know, they recite a litany of woes. I interject with as many positive salvoes that I can and most of the time I am able to talk them off the ledge. That's a good thing, but it has begun to tire me. I understand that if we all listen to media all of the time becoming jaded is inevitable. Yet, I am weaning myself off my diet of negativity...so perhaps that is why it seems writ large to me in others.

the vibes

Sometimes things come out of left field. A dear friend of my mothers' got in touch with me to assist her with a project. It has been an honor to help in any way that I could, because she has always been a dear person to me for most of my life. So you can imagine, I squirmed when she brought up her love life with me. I definately graduated from being a child to adult with that one talk. She usually speaks to me about my own life. She gives me advice from one divorced person to another. But this one was new to me. But as always I learn from any and everything I experience. She shows me something that I don't even think that much about, and that is getting older and having relationships. To think of myself at her age, I usually talk about never really retiring. But I do not consider anything else. But it is time to think about all of the things that I still want to do and to accomplish. Good health is key of course, and also taking care of ones mind...taking time to spend it on making myself happy......................her talking with me like that makes me want to state here some of the things that I want to write about myself. When you meet your husband at nineteen and then spend decades together, divorce sucks. However, I was on my own before I got married and even within marriage, I have not lost myself within it. But now that it is so many years later, I admit that a relationship is something that I do miss. I have also lost my best friend, so there is that too. I am much more solitary not, and I have liked that for so long, but now, I would like to talk on the phone, send texts, plan activities, go on a trip or two...have some fun and serious romance with someone I really feel comfortable, happy and loving with. Waw! I am writing that and not cringing at the admission. I miss having someone to talk to who gets what I am interested in and can discuss their point of view and we are an asset to each other. My heart actually feels warm and filled with emotion as I write that. Just a gentle, loving, sensual, rewarding relationship......hmm.

closer

A few days ago I was thinking about an obscure topic and today on Yahoo, I saw the said information as news. When this sort of thing happens it always makes me stop for a moment and goosebumps to play along my arms. What does it mean? Is it a coincidence? Or is it that I am in synch with the invisible energies around me? I am inclined to assume the latter to be so. What can be done with such a connection? Is it that like the Buddhist Monks, I am to be still and to listen? Perhaps. Also it may be that I am to let go of pre-conceived notions or more accurately control of any situation that I feel I have a handle on...for a moment I must be quiet and observe what else is going on in the world...mainly that of something other than the layer of human attention seeking, hustle and bustle and demands made on self and others. That is but an inevitable layer. There is an undercurrent. Something that may be the collective consciousness. It may be the din of all of our energies constantly coalescing. It may be higher, purer thought because it seems to catch other actions elsewhere in the moment and define or strengthen it....almost as though one were a fortune teller. But its just that it is a fortune teller of trivia. That came to mind, or a person came into your thoughts and they call a moment later. Is it a sort of millisecond time travel? Whatever it is,observing it is always refreshingly tantalizing. I am even beginning to wonder whether it is a subconscious bank of not only energy but language as well...a fount of left over inclinations, ideas, whims. lost plans or forgotten sentences, some left unfinished that now need closure? Languages echo...or ghosts?

acceptance

After ranting about being unfairly treated the other day, I had a good rest and then contemplated on everything again and concluded that I had to accept responsibility for it. Tonight, I want to expand on what I now know. I must state that ever since I can remember my attitude to money was formed by some pivotal issues that happened in childhood. From the Nun who cheated me of my allowance money to yet another one asking me to do a project for the school and not compensating me in any way....some patterns are appearing...I now see it in my high school years of not getting an allowance and having to find ways to get the things that I wanted by constantly manipulating one parent against the other. Then in college where I was very frugal and then the world of work where I began not being paid what I was worth for a few years before finally being compensated as I should have been, only to get divorced and faced with compromising with my present job. It has clearly not gone as it should. Along the way I have had one belief about money and experienced something other than my expectations. Now it has not always been terrible. I have ad some great moments, no doubt about it. But now, I see that I have to take a look at what I was not doing for my best interest. In this case, I happened to have stated that I just wanted to meet my obligations with this project, and it has come to be exactly that. If I could set my mind to such a small goal, imagine what I could do if I set my mind toward better! I have done it many times, and I am very capable. In the past I have let fear, doubt and a host of distractions rob me of my best. I have also seen my strengths whisk me into better places and experiences as well, thank god for that. ...... So no more being lame with my needs. As I said to my partner years ago, what are you saving all of your energy for? BE TRUE TO YOURSELF IN THE MOMENT, ENJOY YOUR LIFE. STOP WAITING FOR WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU NEED TO PROMPT YOU TO WHERE YOU SHOULD BE. That used to drive me crazy with him. I felt that he was holding himself back. ......Now it is my turn to give myself a proper shake-up, and no, I am not writing in two's tonight.

I post in 2's

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variety and the spice of life shtick

Well yesterday I was everything but zen. I was in a rage about a professional I know who hired me for a job and from the start I could see that she was on games. But I didn't want to tar her with a full brush because I have worked with her in the past, she is an older person, and she has always usually been very reasonable and trustworthy in the past. This time around, she withheld information, got me to consider giving her a discount on the premise that...(a) they had no money, no real proper budget. (b) They (she) could only afford to do one of the two things requested. (c) Could I do it for a nominal cost because she had an extremely short deadline. Now as I write this, I know that a bit of tis is my fault. i got completely shistered because I thought she was an honest person, I wanted to do the job and I believed that she was really desperate to get it done and would be on the up and up. Damn! I am pissed because after I agreed to do the literally today for tomorrow work, I then found out indirectly that she palmed off another aspect of the project to someone else...meaning that there was a budget in place after all, and she was just trying to soft soap me. Such a nasty business. I railed at myself for a good hour and then I get my ass up and went for a vigorous walk. In so doing I was able to look at the whole thing anew. I saw something about myself that I have to work on. It was not easy to admit to myself. But I was largely at fault. I chose to be 'helpful.' Although I stood my ground and got the job at a figure I could work with, I did not get the job at the figure it was really worth. I think that this is a wake-up call to me. I used to say that I do not work for less than a certain amount an hour. I must now restructure my prices. I believe that what must justify a job is based on a few factors that I have not taken into account in the past. Rush jobs are NOT less expensive jobs. They MUST be more expensive because of the fact that I pull all nighters. With that job, I worked 24 hours straight. No kidding around, I think I just had a glass of water and a cup of coffee as I raced to complete the task. Also, when I do more than is required, everything must be worked out in a way where it is damn clear that the client can't weasel out of what it costs to put everything together. But most of all, when I make up my new costs, I must also go back to my old practice of half up front, particularly for rush jobs.No exceptions.

How do I reconcile the need to fall to earth? It seems almost too much to be so weightless. The want...wanting to control comes back with a rush...but ha,ha,ha...what I see is the illusion of that too. It is not any more real than anything else. L O V E ............. The Beatles sang it right. ............ All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. ............. Simple. Yet so damn hard to grasp? Why? Because it is not to be grasped. it is to work through you like mist. ............. While I can, I want to sit in this feeling, embody it completely for as long as I can. I see why meditation is key. .............

applying clarity

So how do I keep on this plain? How do I continue to acknowledge that I am God? I saw also tonight that I had to journey to the core of what hurts. I saw that it is an illusion. It feels very, very real, but I could actually see myself observing what I named as the hurt. I could see that it is just a construct. if I could literally make it as an object I would see it as a sort of vehicle that has a steel frame, wheels, an engine and lots of glass that reflects all manner of iridescent light that can appear dark and obscure from the outside, but from the inside I could see the outside world clearly. The ego has a lot to play in all of that. One must observe how one feels at such a moment. Is the breath normal? Am I anxious? Am I demanding something more from my experiences? What is it too me? This moment that I am embodying? As I sit and ponder, I can see myself inside the language of the hold of the past and the expectations of the future. But I can also see beyond even my limited understanding of my existence...to things that I have no language for, and i am actually enthralled and relieved to have no language...to go beyond my limited self...the person needing to be anchored by language. For just one precious moment...I have no expectations. ....... I have my breath ...... I have nothing to forgive I have nothing to forget I have nothing to do I have no one to please ..... I am just embodying the breath ..... I don't want anything I don't need anything ..... I am at peace I am at rest ......

exceptional moments of clarity

I am presently having one of those existential moments that I am extremely happy about as I feel it and anxious to get everything here on paper before the mood passes.A rush has come over me like a huge cumulus cloud. It is an awareness that feels almost physical of the power of love as the source of everything that I do. I was speaking to my daughter because I sent a message via her to her father about her education and his response was as usual, nasty and mean spirited...and I have been for some time just dismissing his actions because I do not engage him anymore, so I am able to ignore and dismiss what he does. So tonight, she tells me what he said and I reply that I want her to tell him thank you and have a good night. What that did interestingly enough was literally open my heart. i felt tangibly the fact that as challenging as it may appear at first,it is imperative that I do the very opposite of what I used to be inclined to do...which is to react in equal measure to him. I cannot react like him. i am not him. I am not going through what he is going through and I cannot and should not meet him at his worst. By sending out the very best 'vibe' or emotion with greatest sincerity to him, I literally drink from the well of my own "well'being. When I see that all is genuine in my heart, I cannot be hurt and distressed by what someone wants me to share because they are unhappy. I have the opportunity to instead bring them along with me to a beter place, if even it is only in my own imagination. I used to wonder how I could be feeling so much conflicting feelings for someone and consider that they are probably not even considering me as I focus on what they (made) me feel. It is a hell of a thing that might make you just feel defeated. But if you look at it from a slightly different perspective then the message is deeply valuable. It really does not matter whether the other person has you in mind or not. What is clear is that it is always you in your mind. It is you either saying that you believe in yourself or reject yourself. it is never about the other person. So you can sit and believe that this person or that person has it out for you, wished you ill...it really doesn't matter.....and that word, matter is such a powerful one. The matter...what's the matter? I kinda want to laugh now that I see it. I am always creating 'matter'. If only I could stick to the love. Love is the matter that 'matters' most. ................... To actually surrender to L O V E is so much more than the literal belief system. It is a surrender to self and all of the pollution of thought that keeps me from moving forward in the moment. Every time that I am willing to embrace the things that distract me from my highest thoughts, I am stepping back into the illusion that I cannot be amazing. I cannot actually reach for the very best in me. ................... I saw it so beautifully tonight. If I acted as I used to do in the past I would have missed the gossemer yet steel induced power of dismissing the illusion out of hand and acknowledging the clouds that say to me that everything is perfect, simple and perfect and I don't have to be stressing and forcing anything in my life EVER again. .................... The attempt to even hold onto the thought cannot happen...and I have come here and to my diary hundreds of times trying to express this very thought, many times before. It is not to be captured. It is innate.No person or thing is to be coralled. No issue or circumstances is to be worried over and get into your system and create anxiety and fear. All of the tools are within. It isn;t something to rush out and convince anyone of either. Be still and KNOW that You are God as a dear friend says all of the time. Everything is happening in the right time without any effort from you. You can pluck from that vast storehouse or you can go on worrying about every moment. ..................... The funny thing is that the mind would say, that's all fine and dandy but it doesn't pay the bills.What's funny though is that if you really look at it...you should ask yourself, can you imagine yourself moving in a mindset of everything resolved in perfect order? Can you imagine yourself sans challenges that twist you up in knots? Wouldn't you like to be able to free yourself of such toxic experiences? of course you would and you would find the money to do it too. So how come it is so difficult to seperate yourself from those negative beliefs that keep giving you more of the same results? .................... Tonight, that simple act with my daughter, i saw it plainly. I could go down his rabbit hole and join the familiar poison or I could resonate at a higher frequency where shaking off the familiarly negative could only bring me peace and that is way better forever!.

always contemplating

This morning when I awoke, I remembered a conversation had with someone about the impression I made a decade ago. I was surprised and embarrassed by the way that the person gushed about me. Embarrassed because I couldn't help thinking that if I had known that I made such an impression, I would be so much better off. Today I consider that and use it as I move forward every day. Thinking about myself ten years ago, I run my mind over all of the challenges. I don't run my mind over all of the great moments, to the point where I may find myself saying, what great moments? But of course I had them. I believe that the best thing that I have done in the most recent years is to re-organize the way that I view the negative that has bombarded me. I cannot remember when I did it, but I believe that I wrote about it here online, where I decided that I was going to challenge all of my negative thoughts and get to a place where I would start to consider bigger thoughts, bigger goals. That has been exactly the right attitude to have, and I gain from it all of the time. Now that I am on the threshold of uncharted territory, I am directly looking at one of my biggest challenges to date, and that is the old belief that no matter how much I may be inclined to plan, nothing goes to plan. Usually, that sort of contemplation would just get me upset with myself. But now, I am fascinated by the idea of being propelled forward by my own efforts. My efforts are now buoying me up and I am not so fixated on fear as I have been for forty years. Fear and failure are inevitable. The point is to move past it, see it, confront it and continue to proceed to where you want to go. Now, when I do what I started to do with this post, to contemplate the past and ask whether I have the pluck to take from the best as I go into something new,I feel freer. Everyone pays for their choices. If your married, you may glance at those who are not and believe that they may have more opportunities than you may have. Those who are single may feel the pull to those with families. I have looked at the latter sometimes, thinking that somehow I am untethered and thus broken. It is a funny thing.Such thoughts can really stall you. But I am up for the adventure. If I choose the red pill over the blue pill, I have a good attitude about life, and ultimately that is the greatest success.

Layers

A friend called me today and we had the sort of conversation that is helpful in showing me how much I have grown and how much I have done. The person is now dealing with the fallout of divorce because it is impacting their health. My heart skips a beat at everything that was said, it knows that I have been over that ground and have toiled every step of the way to come to terms with the things that I feel have hurt me to the quick. I let her know that feelings of anger and sadness, hurt and despair are not to be avoided. On the contrary, they are to be encouraged and confronted. Once you make friends with what feels best to avoid, and you engage it, asking its purpose and listening to what it has come to say, you can dissect it and most of all, send it on its way with the tools you need to prepare for the next time.

developments

Some noteworthy things are taking shape in my life right now. They relate to the way I see the world, my world right now. I am very grateful for what is occuring. I would say that I am more mindfilled. I enjoy the conversations I have with myself more as I am now spotting and waiting out those moments when I want to be negative about my decisions or past. I remember years ago wondering when this moment would come. I read many, many books on this part of enlightenment and questioned whether it was possible for me. I was helped by a statement from someone spiritually wise who said that being enlightened does not mean suddenly living a perfect life. You will still have days where you feel dispondent or angry or whatever can pull you in a spiral. However, being enlightened means knowing that these things come and go....in the same way that joy and everything that feels good comes and goes as well. The point is to not hold on to it possessively, but to observe it all with gratitude.

because

There is something about hopelessness. I have held its hand so many times. I have felt that I take too long to change for my best. I have wondered whether I am even ambitious? I have concluded often that I am just floundering through life and that everyone else is doing great and have their lives in order while they laugh behind their hands at me, or worse, they see right through me. Then, to crown it all, just as I find the steps to receive a quarter of what everyone else seems to have effortlessly, even that seems too good for me. Yet I get up every day and find a glimmer of light. Some days the glimmer of light is created in my tears. This is what is meant to be alive, I tell myself, convincing myself that this deep pain inside of me that screams failure is not real. I am inside it perhaps, but light is also inside of me. I keep reminding myself. As long as I can think of something else, something more, something that can lead me out of despair, I am not down for the count.

I have written many times of the strong desire to come to this place to just express my feelings, and then when I get here, I am stalled or stopped. It can be so funny. I have to warm up and gradually get into a groove. Tonight I marvel at how much my husband (juliemangoman) meant to me. I got so galvanized in my feelings.I really didn't need another person to as its said, complete me. I am full enough with the story I wanted to tell myself. I was left alone so much with no one to bounce my thoughts against that it was so clear that no way was I in synchronicity with him. I am fascinated by how much one builds and threads together a perspective. You go on a little hint here and a past experience there and you embroider an entire life and moreso, expectation around little pieces of fluff. No amount of wanting and hoping can make something happen. It was maddening the way one day was good and then the next it was not. It is easy to see mow in hindsight,that any relationship has a degree of tenuousness to it. No guarantees at all, no matter how demure, pretty,sexy, bright or rich you may be.Sometimes you want to force something, your feelings are just out of control.Acting spontaniously has its moments. How do you get someone out of your head who changed the game? How do you balance a situation where it was amazing and also terrible to experience? This is the thing of great creativity. So much is fueled by such an experience. Have I written this much about anyone else? It doesn't seem so. But of course I have, because once things do not go as I expect I become an investigator. I have decided to not stifle this whole thing. I feel really exposed and stupid writing about him, but like I stated before, I feel so many contradictory ways and I just want to understand it.

A few days ago I thought that I had read the perfect introduction, summing up so many conflicting feelings I have. I don't know why, but I did not screen capture it, photograph it or write it down. So I shall just have to go on memory. The statement was about expectations. It was one of those evenings when I would be fine one moment and the next I would find my thoughts wondering and eventually leading me down paths so familiar that I would forget that they led me to brooding. I know that if I can't keep to knowing that I am moving forward and I have plans and I am creating my future from the best energy that I can muster, and then...bam. these little niggling moods flutter around me like mosquitoes! The statement felt like a meal and I injested it whole. It was exactly what I needed to push myself out of my morass. I have been looking for it ever since. But, I had to accept defeat and proceed to write this evening anyway.

There are times when I find that I really have to work at keeping my mind on my best. Sometimes I want to fall back into the feelings of desair, because I think that if I don't acknowledge them, they will act out something to bring me to my knees. Also, sometimes I feel as though I am walking in mostly darkness. How is it that I can feel so good one moment and then the extreme opposite the next? I am tired tonight, and I was tired last night as well. I opened this blog and all I could write was three sentences. However, as I write this, the cloud is lifting. I just needed to come here and rest a moment. I know this feeling comes over me because there is something I feel disappointed about, and that of course is an expectation. I think that I have at least one or two things to feel really good about, and other things that I am working on that shall be very satisfying. I have no need to be glum. The things that I think that are making me feel like this is rejection. I just am conscious of all of the things that I worked really hard at that seem to have left me feeling that all of my efforts were in vain. It may help me tonight to think about what I can do to change what I am feeling. I think that I have also fallen into a rut in some ways. I changed up my routine this week, and I felt the results of that. I am establishing new friendships and I almost said no to an offer to hang out with them because I am so used to not going anywhere or having anyone invite me to anything. I know that part of saying no is because everyone else is peered up and I loathe the very thought of making small talk with people who may feel as dis-interested as I can. Yet, I stay at home and I always have something to do. But I cannot shake the knowledge that I am substituting that busyness for friendship, closeness and fun. My attitude is not getting me anywhere. I have to make more of an effort.

STILL HERE

Now that the moves to prevent me from moving ahead in my job has been exposed, I have to move on. I have a lot to do. It is a bit overwhelming, but I shall prevail. The extent of the lies and deception is mind blowing. I had to go for my usual walk and figure out what I should do next. As I did that, I grew more and more dispondant.I felt as though I had no alleys. No one in my corner to even speak with. I acknowledged that and I saw that I was still standing. I saw that despite all that was thrown at me, pretending to be my friend, pretending to be a colleague, pretending to want to involve me in things hoping to see me fail....I am still standing, and I looked at myself in awe and saw that I am STILL HERE.

ultimately

One of the things that I have been fighting with and could not quite put into words was the thought that being on my own and not having my closest friend or ex-husband around meant that somehow I was missing something. I think that I was not acknowledging the void that was left when they both stepped out of my life. I barely had any opportunity to rail and grieve their loss, so Instead I lived and survived with the loss. That being the case, I have had a hard time with on the one hand stating the things that I want and then confronting what it takes to get it. I have gone to bed many a night in turmoil. Then recently I was looking at some fluff piece on Netflix and realized what I had been resisting. For such a very long time, I had some assurances in my life. My best friend was someone who built a personal world with me, as did my ex-husband. Whatever was going on in my life, they provided a buffer in many ways. Now that they are not here, it is as though I have had to learn to live with the elements. Then, another thing came up as well. In a decade, I have not been the person to pursue anyone. Of the persons I have had around me, they called, they pursued. I did not encourage any advances. Going forward, I see that so many things feel like uncharted territory, and it is scary but also very exciting. ......... It's funny, there is dependence in independence sometimes. I had built up my own little world that I manouvered around all those years. It didn't always go well, but on reflection, I may be romanticizing the past, but knowing things in hindsight, there was much to be pleased with. ........ Untouched ground is exciting too. I have come very far from where I started out. I think that I can state that I am grateful for every step and every day. Nothing is promised, but so much is possible. To come into my own I have had to go through quite a great deal, and this last year , where I faced aspects of myself that I usually keep so much under control is still affecting me. Coming to terms with certain expectations not panning out, and knowing however that that does not mean that it is a failure or that I cannot expect something else or better or else is a way. I have seen how much I can hold to beliefs or actions that suddenly I have had to let go in an instant. All of the adjustments and shifts have felt at times like too much. But ultimately, aren't I the lucky one, because it is ultimately called "life.'

If I were to analyze my year, I would say that I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I have been like a little boat within an ocean of feelings. It has made me think and write a great deal about what I experienced. Now I am a bit more settled about what it was all about. I remember that I had a what if evening where I was considering what it would take to have a relationship with my ex where we could be together but not obligated to go back to what it was...a friend with benefits arrangement of sorts. I Googled what could happen if I took that thought to action and decided that it was not for me. The next day, I met someone and my life changed. I got what I assume is a Cocaine hit of feelings that tripped me out and I didn't know what to do with myself. Then the person who caused the rush of emotions just disappeared and confused me even more and got me barfing up my emotions in a violent way. It became clear that all of the stuff coming from me was for me. I am still moved. I am still hopeful I am also in a way, breaking through to myself in ways that I believe I never would have been able to do if not for the last year. A cocktail of intense feelings prevented me from my usual tight, logical, controlling personality. I embraced the side of me that is spontaneous. I stared down being alright with my anger and other things that I do not reflect outright. I would say that I balanced myself. All of this did not happen easily. I put up a personal fight. Admitting what I wanted was the start. Amazingly enough, this too was hard to do. Why? It was uncharted ground. My land, but un-analyzed to death, so it seemed pristine. I am now going towards the things that I resist. I find that confronting what challenges me is very good for me. I am uncomfortable, curious and aware that other confrontations have been very good for me. So I expect that more of the same is going to happen. I have wanted to have a relationship with my husband, as I am still determined to call him. Nothing has worked out and I have been juggling my emotions on that one. I have received so very much, and want more, and it is all so flawed because it is partly absence that makes the heart grow fonder and it is the best part of the treatment that makes me long for more. The fracture between what was taken in and what was experienced after is the rub. Silence does nothing to help the feelings that run unbridled. I cannot cork them off no matter how hard I try to. So today I told myself why not reflect them into myself. Sort of see them as what I emit outward believing that it is coming from my memory of him when it may indeed just be me reflecting my own desires out. I am what I ultimately want. I confess that there are times when I do still think that I don't see how it could work? We are definately from very different worlds! Yet, he touched mine so deftly and the impression left has altered me significantly and I wish that I could have done the same.Then at other times, I am certain that I have done the same. Ultimately it really doesn't matter, because my outcome stays the same.

The things open to me now are mind boggling. I just went for my usual walk and let my mind wonder. Over the years I have been filled with ideas that I have not been able to fully execute. Now, I am in a position to do whatever I want to do. My interests are broad, so what I am doing now is using a little cute hard covered purple book to put everything that I think about, research and want to explore in one spot. I wish that I had the technology to literally swipe images on the computer to my notebook. The I-pad does not cut it for images that I want to see immediately, and many at once. At present what I have to do is to sketch little images of what I want to see on the same page. Anyway... I am not deterred. There is such joy in making something from nothing.

new leaf

When I look back on moments of my life that felt like some insurmountable challenge, I realize that most of the turbulence was being caused by my thoughts. It always had to do with feeling pulled and pushed to make whatever I felt was the 'right' decision. In every case, it was really about coming to terms with 'my' decision over that of all of the noise of the thing in question. A few days ago my contract was not renewed from my job that I have held for a decade. It was unexpected but I was not completely surprised. The company is under new management, and the person writing to me, as I have come to understand, wants to stock their position with people they want. All of this is understandable, and I was fully aware that nothing is promised. However, the way in which the person chose to alert me and the way in which they wrote to me was problematic. They went about it in a way to make me feel insecure and to thinly allude to their dislike of my approach to doing things because they were not doing what they were supposed to do, and I have been showing them up...inadvertently. This is an interesting moment for me. I have wanted to leave that place for a long time. Every time I have tried, I have been met with roadblocks. This time, I was just released without anything in place to hold to, but already, two days after the incident, I feel lighter. I look better. I am better for it. In hindsight I also notice now that in so many ways, your inner self and your body knows what is going on. It is the mixed messages that have kept me insecure. I have not always felt that I can achieve what I want to achieve in the way I want to and the noise of the world and of people and their opinions can and do distract you if you need others to help you build your dream and they just don't see it or believe it themselves. Its tough to toil alone trying to make something out of thin air.The fear to move forward or to make a mistake has to do with that awareness, the sensitivity to all of the energy around you. In a way, my empathy is like countless television shows where the person gets a super power and that power is the ability to hear everyone's thoughts. The empath is picking that up all the time, and because of that, it is difficult to act sometimes. So as I told my daughter yesterday, you really have to be firm about who you are and what you want for yourself. That is the only way to shield yourself from all of the things that come down on you. Of course I wish that I had known that a million years ago. But I know it now. This is also why, the sitting with myself quietly and slowly talking with myself, asking myself what am I feeling? That is so important for me to do. My becoming my ally and friend in the way that I am, is so necessary to achieve the goals I set out for myself. For that, I am right on time.

I love that. It resonates with me. If I begin to write about the things that I have already experienced for the new year i may take awhile and definately several entries. Let me just state that the need for my attention by seekers has reached an all time high. I have had to be very selective of the time I give to them more than ever. I have decided to make a list here today of the things that I would like to do that I have not done as yet. I am doing it as a reminder to myself that I have so much to look forward to.Making plans and setting goals is something that I do, but I don't usually place dates to some of the things that I see as important to me, and I must change that. But anyway, here is my list... 1.Visit Japan 2.Visit Central America 3.Visit Indonesia 4.Visit Kenya 5.Visit India 6.Visit Seychelles 7. Just travel to all of the places that catch my fancy 8.Visit at least two or three of the five star restaurants in the world 9.Pick fresh lavender, raspberries, blueberries, brussel sprouts and also olives. 10. Spend time at an organic farm/restaurant 11. Bath naked under the stars with someone I love 12.Create a short film or two, or three 13. Publish a novel, a comic novel...publish 14. Make handmade, one of a kind functional objects with talented people I admire 15. Collaborate on projects with people I admire and enjoy working with 16. Work with Artisans on a major project 17. Invent something :-) 18. Receive a major award and have something I do lauded as groundbreaking. Lol. 19. Be published on. 20. Have staff doing meaningful work for and with me. 21.Being creative all of the time because I have so many commissions. 22.My work seen @ the Venice Biennale more than once. 23. A romantic trip on a train (still) 24. Make my own perfume and give them as gifts 25. Candlelight dinner with live music in a very intimate setting 26. Fly by helicopter (scary...but want to try it) 27. Build a sustainable studio/house 28. Assist in reforestation and other restorative projects. 29. Buy Inuit sculpture and jewellery 30. Collect embroidery from all over the world...and use the pieces. those are some quick thoughts on the things that I would like to do. I expect the list to grow larger.

The year has begun like Usain Bolt. However, I don't feel outmatched. I got up this morning and had the luxury of staying in bed and just listening to my thoughts about my plans for the week ahead and the year ahead.What I enjoyed was my little tete'a'tete with myself about that topic that just won't go away. Here are some of my early morning musings...I have seen recently that when I am working with my instincts I am not wrong. My issues come up when I want to square up between my logic and my gut. That is usually a mess! Already for 2019 I will say that I am noticing that I am less persnickety about the way things should be. That feels like a relief. I did not realize how much that tunnel vision was hurting me. I am more focused now on accomplishing what I set out to do to the best of my ability with room for watching the effort unfold. A friend of mine gave e some unexpected news last year, a few days ago. He is getting divorced!Waw! I felt good to be able to give him some advice, but I also really felt it for him. They have no children, so at least they do not have that added distressing emotional issue. However, I can hear in his voice how broken he feels. They have parted amicably and are still friends. But he is in that place where he feels like he was standing outside in a hurricane. That is a hell of a thing. To talk to him about the process is a bit like living with it afresh. But what was interesting was that I noticed something in my own situation from speaking aloud what the whole thing does to you. I have always said that divorce changes your relationship., and that it is still a relationship. This time, I saw that my ex-husband is having an un-amicable relationship with me where he uses our child as leverage to keep the relationship going. It felt a bit dismaying! He's still in a relationship with me. I plan to get my decree absolute put forward in a few weeks. That will be an excellent way for me to put that situation behind me.