Last night my cousin called and we had quite a long talk. He asked me again the question of what I want to do? This year I felt very gung-ho about starting something new, and then the wind in my sails was clipped when my business partner died.
However, at this time of year this question is very apropo. I am back on the page where I am looking at what I wanted to do again.
I see that the point is to start. I have one project in mind already, and another one in the works too. Neither are necessarily about money, but they will be attention getting things in some way. I think that my objective is to just create the work and the rest shall fall into place.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
In Reading Over
I thought that I should look at some of the things that occupied my thoughts this year, and realised that I have not written about the latest with my ex huband.
The councellor we had gone to had annoyed me, because she ' to my mind' seemed to be asking me to compromise to move forward. However, at the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that if I were to really progress, I would have to let many things that urk me, go. I just had to forgive and move on.
During this time, he decided that he would go to Canada. He has been there since the end of September and he has decided that he is not willing to look for some low paying, blue collar job. He decided this last month, and ever since, he has not even tried to look for anything at all. He has also not applied for our daughters' PR card or seen to renewing his own.
His about face about Canada is much more staggering in nature than I could have expected. When I was married to him, I thought that his going would help him to see how important what he was doing here in his own country is for him. Yet, I did not expect that he would fold so quickly and so easily. I have to do my best to not compare his attitude to my going and his attitude to his going.
He did write me an email apology for having believed that when I had gone that I was not trying hard enough. I appreciate that, because I did try hard and clearly, I tried harder than he did.
To look back and compare, and to know that so much of our lives has been spent in the futile attempt to argue who is right or who is smart.
What was it all for?
I thought that I should look at some of the things that occupied my thoughts this year, and realised that I have not written about the latest with my ex huband.
The councellor we had gone to had annoyed me, because she ' to my mind' seemed to be asking me to compromise to move forward. However, at the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that if I were to really progress, I would have to let many things that urk me, go. I just had to forgive and move on.
During this time, he decided that he would go to Canada. He has been there since the end of September and he has decided that he is not willing to look for some low paying, blue collar job. He decided this last month, and ever since, he has not even tried to look for anything at all. He has also not applied for our daughters' PR card or seen to renewing his own.
His about face about Canada is much more staggering in nature than I could have expected. When I was married to him, I thought that his going would help him to see how important what he was doing here in his own country is for him. Yet, I did not expect that he would fold so quickly and so easily. I have to do my best to not compare his attitude to my going and his attitude to his going.
He did write me an email apology for having believed that when I had gone that I was not trying hard enough. I appreciate that, because I did try hard and clearly, I tried harder than he did.
To look back and compare, and to know that so much of our lives has been spent in the futile attempt to argue who is right or who is smart.
What was it all for?
more thinking...
What an interesting thing it is to experience a tumult of feelings back to back that encourage you to think several things on one topic over a forty-eight hour period.
After our talk, I felt comfortable and even happy that we had reached what I thought was a consensus.
Then, I began to feel a sense of loss and even a bit of pique when I mulled over some of what was said.
Even later, I chose to conclude that I had something to learn from the whole thing. Then after I felt that I had closed that page, it started up all over again.
What I got from all of this, is to take a look at what I want and how I affect myself. This time, I come prepared with the knowing that I am standing strong. It does not mean that my ego is completely behaving...because I cannot deny that a small part of me is saying that I know that this is how it will always go down.
What I am getting this time is that I am in a control of the situation that has nothing to do with ego but with looking above what should happen to what can be better in the end, even if I might slip again...and slip because I am not going to lie, I feel him.
What an interesting thing it is to experience a tumult of feelings back to back that encourage you to think several things on one topic over a forty-eight hour period.
After our talk, I felt comfortable and even happy that we had reached what I thought was a consensus.
Then, I began to feel a sense of loss and even a bit of pique when I mulled over some of what was said.
Even later, I chose to conclude that I had something to learn from the whole thing. Then after I felt that I had closed that page, it started up all over again.
What I got from all of this, is to take a look at what I want and how I affect myself. This time, I come prepared with the knowing that I am standing strong. It does not mean that my ego is completely behaving...because I cannot deny that a small part of me is saying that I know that this is how it will always go down.
What I am getting this time is that I am in a control of the situation that has nothing to do with ego but with looking above what should happen to what can be better in the end, even if I might slip again...and slip because I am not going to lie, I feel him.
Monday, December 20, 2010
The feeling sorries really kicked my ass earlier today. I felt and thought some really low things. I was really marvelling at the degree to which I felt it necessary to torture myself.
What brought me back to myself? As my friend Stephen said, start thinking of better and also of what you have done in the past, that straightened me out.
What brought me back to myself? As my friend Stephen said, start thinking of better and also of what you have done in the past, that straightened me out.
It has been awhile since I last put my thoughts down here. I find myself here today because I am feeling emotionally out of sorts. This year I had a moment where I acted in a certain way, although I knew that I was better off not pursuing the whole thing.
I did it because I wanted to feel and to be in the situation. The person was there to make me feel that I was receiving certain attention and love, and I had missed this so much in my life.
Last week we finally had a serious talk and decided that it could not go any further. I always knew this, but I still took it on. Why? I shudder to think that loneliness could be the answer. In fact the answer is more than that I am sure. For I know that we mirror each other, and if I am going through this mental anguish that I am causing myself, I know the other person enough to know that I am not alone.
I just wanted to know that this
Christmas there was someone in my life who wants the same things that I do. All of this sounds hokey and I feel embarressed to admit that I need someone in my life, and that I miss love and I miss sex and I miss intimacy. I am at such wits end with myself that I just had to get to this diary to write because of how emotional I feel I am.
These feelings come also because I am feeling as though everyone else is doing something and enjoying their lives, and I miss my closest friend, and now this littel dalliance has just left me disappointed.
I did it because I wanted to feel and to be in the situation. The person was there to make me feel that I was receiving certain attention and love, and I had missed this so much in my life.
Last week we finally had a serious talk and decided that it could not go any further. I always knew this, but I still took it on. Why? I shudder to think that loneliness could be the answer. In fact the answer is more than that I am sure. For I know that we mirror each other, and if I am going through this mental anguish that I am causing myself, I know the other person enough to know that I am not alone.
I just wanted to know that this
Christmas there was someone in my life who wants the same things that I do. All of this sounds hokey and I feel embarressed to admit that I need someone in my life, and that I miss love and I miss sex and I miss intimacy. I am at such wits end with myself that I just had to get to this diary to write because of how emotional I feel I am.
These feelings come also because I am feeling as though everyone else is doing something and enjoying their lives, and I miss my closest friend, and now this littel dalliance has just left me disappointed.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
10.10.10
What a lovely date. It is simply so empowering. My day went well, and I am in very good spirits. I planned on writing something quite different, but on reflection, I had to conclude that there is much more to write in a positive way than there is to worry about. one of my former students has gotten into retailing art supplies, so I've asked her to check on the Fellissimo pencils for me. Five hundred color pencils, hand crafted...completely Artgasmic!
Faber Castel also has some new promotion, but their pencils come to a much higher price...yet, can one ever have too many colored pencils?
I just hand painted a chiffon dress for my mother, so I am on a painting and color binge, and I am not stopping there. I have so much to do artistically, and I love it.
Faber Castel also has some new promotion, but their pencils come to a much higher price...yet, can one ever have too many colored pencils?
I just hand painted a chiffon dress for my mother, so I am on a painting and color binge, and I am not stopping there. I have so much to do artistically, and I love it.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
a realisation
The other night I was musing on the amount of growth I know I still need. This came about when I thought back to a few things that I have experienced lately, the loss of my closest friend. Working on big projects without him, feeling so sad some days that I wondered about whether I can actually do my work constructively? Then there is the ex-husband and all that I have been doing to develop a better relationship with him, and other emotional issues.
Today though, I was part of a symposium and I felt that it had gone very well. My ex has done tones of them, and he had given me some constructive criticism on it, being my first. I was feeling quite good about our communications on the subject, and even found growth in my approach with him.
Then tonight, after feeling positive about the way things went, I tempted fate and asked him what his friend who was there thought of the whole thing? This person is like himself, very self satisfied and sees only his approach as relevant.Needless to say, he was quite forthcoming with some harsh criticism.
I am writing about it because although I made my own snide retort, I noticed something about myself tonight with this exchange.
I was disappointed. Not upset.
I know the dynamic between he and his friend, and I even compared it to what he probably felt for years when he believed that I was influenced or taken over by my parents.
I know...I take a long time to learn things sometime. But this was interesting.
after we spoke and I asked myself what it was that I was really feeling? I concluded that sometimes you are just so different, and just cannot bond in a neutral place. I cannot be what I am not, and neither can he. Whatever he thinks is his right, and I feel good about what I did and that's my right.
Today though, I was part of a symposium and I felt that it had gone very well. My ex has done tones of them, and he had given me some constructive criticism on it, being my first. I was feeling quite good about our communications on the subject, and even found growth in my approach with him.
Then tonight, after feeling positive about the way things went, I tempted fate and asked him what his friend who was there thought of the whole thing? This person is like himself, very self satisfied and sees only his approach as relevant.Needless to say, he was quite forthcoming with some harsh criticism.
I am writing about it because although I made my own snide retort, I noticed something about myself tonight with this exchange.
I was disappointed. Not upset.
I know the dynamic between he and his friend, and I even compared it to what he probably felt for years when he believed that I was influenced or taken over by my parents.
I know...I take a long time to learn things sometime. But this was interesting.
after we spoke and I asked myself what it was that I was really feeling? I concluded that sometimes you are just so different, and just cannot bond in a neutral place. I cannot be what I am not, and neither can he. Whatever he thinks is his right, and I feel good about what I did and that's my right.
Monday, October 4, 2010
only sometimes...
Today, an exchange between my parents and myself led me to see how much living with a domineering person and then in this instance, multiplied by two, can be so exhausting. I used to think that I could manage this and it not affect me too much. But sometimes it gets to be too much.
The attitude is to talk at you and to hammer home their opinion and completely ignore, downplay or insult your point of view.
This behavior always gets me to a place where I ask again, what the hell am I doing here? Why am I still here?
I am still with them because of the decision that I have made towards years end.
Although I can say already that it is a closely cut decision that may not go as I expect.
What is this decision? I have an obligation abroad and I have to be in the country by a certain time.
The challenge of being away then is twofold, first of all having to leave my little one behind is not something that I want to consider and the other part has to do with hitting the ground running.
Yet,I also feel that doing something different is important for me now, because the present circumstances are such that they have now painted me into a corner where not moving is not an option.
The attitude is to talk at you and to hammer home their opinion and completely ignore, downplay or insult your point of view.
This behavior always gets me to a place where I ask again, what the hell am I doing here? Why am I still here?
I am still with them because of the decision that I have made towards years end.
Although I can say already that it is a closely cut decision that may not go as I expect.
What is this decision? I have an obligation abroad and I have to be in the country by a certain time.
The challenge of being away then is twofold, first of all having to leave my little one behind is not something that I want to consider and the other part has to do with hitting the ground running.
Yet,I also feel that doing something different is important for me now, because the present circumstances are such that they have now painted me into a corner where not moving is not an option.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
webadvice
Don’t limit yourself. Decide what you want to do, write out a solid plan, seek advice from those who have done it and “just do it.” No one can give you permission to be great. You are the only one with that power.
Any belief worth having must survive doubt. – author unknown. I share this to let you know, you will doubt yourself, others will doubt you but you must know Your Dream is Worth Your Effort!
Be open to learn lessons from everyone. And your first lesson is – the world revolves around knowledge; who has it, who wants it and where it can be found – and in business how much it will cost you.
Find a mentor, a sponsor and a circle of like-minded individuals. Your mentor will provide guidance, your sponsor will endorse you (speak up for you), and your circle will support you and act as a sounding board and resource for everyday matters.
Lastly, there is almost always an inexpensive or free resource! Reach out to people and ask questions!
Any belief worth having must survive doubt. – author unknown. I share this to let you know, you will doubt yourself, others will doubt you but you must know Your Dream is Worth Your Effort!
Be open to learn lessons from everyone. And your first lesson is – the world revolves around knowledge; who has it, who wants it and where it can be found – and in business how much it will cost you.
Find a mentor, a sponsor and a circle of like-minded individuals. Your mentor will provide guidance, your sponsor will endorse you (speak up for you), and your circle will support you and act as a sounding board and resource for everyday matters.
Lastly, there is almost always an inexpensive or free resource! Reach out to people and ask questions!
Friday, July 23, 2010
revelation time
In the last few days I have been doing quite a bit, and I am very happy about the outcome. After my ex-husband had that blow out argument with me in his car, I took a good long look at the situation, and I took hold of myself. One of the first things that I did was look at the whole 'poor me' issue, that I have discussed here before. But I went further, I also decided to be frank with myself about what my fears and concerns are. Taking a look at them, looking at them, and seeing where they were basic concerns that are normal, and that I can find a place of support even within places of doubt, was very helpful.
I have felt that the last three years have not gone as I had hoped. But I accept that I did not actually say things to myself,for example-: After a year I expect that I should be at 'x'. I did not actually think of myself from that place. I kept thinking that I had to look at what was happening "to" me. I thus placed myself outside the decision. Things were happening to me. I did not feel that I had choices and options, even when I made them.
So, what's so different now? It may seem really basic and it may be wondered how come I did not get this all this time? But the fact is that I get this now. My point is to really look at goals and to have a plan of action and a career path.
I have gone from one thing to another, and I have felt that things should go a certain way. I am over all of that now.
In a year from now, I am working at a job I love, my daughter and my ex-husband are in a good place both literally, emotionally and in every way. i feel better about my life, my Art career is back on track and I feel very good about the ability to make decisions that make me happy.
I will get there by putting one foot in front of the other, observe what is possible, whereever I am, and look for opportunities. I shall work on my attitude and expectations, and I shall succeed because it is all about the mind.
In the last few days I have been doing quite a bit, and I am very happy about the outcome. After my ex-husband had that blow out argument with me in his car, I took a good long look at the situation, and I took hold of myself. One of the first things that I did was look at the whole 'poor me' issue, that I have discussed here before. But I went further, I also decided to be frank with myself about what my fears and concerns are. Taking a look at them, looking at them, and seeing where they were basic concerns that are normal, and that I can find a place of support even within places of doubt, was very helpful.
I have felt that the last three years have not gone as I had hoped. But I accept that I did not actually say things to myself,for example-: After a year I expect that I should be at 'x'. I did not actually think of myself from that place. I kept thinking that I had to look at what was happening "to" me. I thus placed myself outside the decision. Things were happening to me. I did not feel that I had choices and options, even when I made them.
So, what's so different now? It may seem really basic and it may be wondered how come I did not get this all this time? But the fact is that I get this now. My point is to really look at goals and to have a plan of action and a career path.
I have gone from one thing to another, and I have felt that things should go a certain way. I am over all of that now.
In a year from now, I am working at a job I love, my daughter and my ex-husband are in a good place both literally, emotionally and in every way. i feel better about my life, my Art career is back on track and I feel very good about the ability to make decisions that make me happy.
I will get there by putting one foot in front of the other, observe what is possible, whereever I am, and look for opportunities. I shall work on my attitude and expectations, and I shall succeed because it is all about the mind.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
today went rather badly
Well, actually, it started out reasonably well. But then my little one decided to take a keyboard from the library belonging to my father and snip the cord with her toy scissors.As I write this, it sounds funny and charming. But it was not funny at the time.
This one incident made me feel so trapped in my circumstances.It made me feel hopeless in my hopes. Why? The repercussions of the event. The instant arguing over the matter by the people I live with who are my parents. Certainly they have all right to complain when their grandchild does something naughty. But in this instance, rightly or wrongly, their daughter gets criticized as though she too is the same age as her child.
But of course this 'bad' day is bigger than this moment. I hated having to call my ex-husband up and complain about what happened. I would have called Richard up, and we would have talked about it, and I would have felt better or at least had someone I love, and know, loves me so unconditionally, just be there.
Now I don't have that anymore.
Perhaps this is why I felt so deeply pained by this today.The loss keeps coming back in unexpected crevices of my life!
I want to move forward, and yet every move I make feels heavy with regret and hurt.
I was so emotional today that I said that the decision to curl up in a ball and die is one that I cannot afford to make. I felt so very low. I felt as though absolutely nothing I have worked for has worked out for me. I felt unloved, unliked, uncared for. I felt as though everything I am has been stripped away from me, and every move forward is sceptically plotted to be on shaky ground.
It got so bad that I had to sit in my stillness and will myself better.
I said to my ex, imagine that you caused me to be in this house, experiencing things I do not choose and all I can do at this time is to speak to you, the perpetrator, how pathetic is that!
At least he allowed me my bile. He allowed me to cry out and weep in my words, and I am grateful.
I step forward, and out of myself tonight, out of this tissue of pain, aware that it is but a layer.
I admit the lack of beauty of it all, and I make no guarantees to myself, but to say, I am surviving.
Well, actually, it started out reasonably well. But then my little one decided to take a keyboard from the library belonging to my father and snip the cord with her toy scissors.As I write this, it sounds funny and charming. But it was not funny at the time.
This one incident made me feel so trapped in my circumstances.It made me feel hopeless in my hopes. Why? The repercussions of the event. The instant arguing over the matter by the people I live with who are my parents. Certainly they have all right to complain when their grandchild does something naughty. But in this instance, rightly or wrongly, their daughter gets criticized as though she too is the same age as her child.
But of course this 'bad' day is bigger than this moment. I hated having to call my ex-husband up and complain about what happened. I would have called Richard up, and we would have talked about it, and I would have felt better or at least had someone I love, and know, loves me so unconditionally, just be there.
Now I don't have that anymore.
Perhaps this is why I felt so deeply pained by this today.The loss keeps coming back in unexpected crevices of my life!
I want to move forward, and yet every move I make feels heavy with regret and hurt.
I was so emotional today that I said that the decision to curl up in a ball and die is one that I cannot afford to make. I felt so very low. I felt as though absolutely nothing I have worked for has worked out for me. I felt unloved, unliked, uncared for. I felt as though everything I am has been stripped away from me, and every move forward is sceptically plotted to be on shaky ground.
It got so bad that I had to sit in my stillness and will myself better.
I said to my ex, imagine that you caused me to be in this house, experiencing things I do not choose and all I can do at this time is to speak to you, the perpetrator, how pathetic is that!
At least he allowed me my bile. He allowed me to cry out and weep in my words, and I am grateful.
I step forward, and out of myself tonight, out of this tissue of pain, aware that it is but a layer.
I admit the lack of beauty of it all, and I make no guarantees to myself, but to say, I am surviving.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Time
My birthday was yesterday,and I thought about Richard all day. My grief is now about his last few days and last few hours,how did he spend it? Did he have any inkling that he was dying? I know that I shall have many moments of this sort of hurt and sadness that just cannot be shaken just like that.
It has come and broadsided me. I sometimes feel as though my balance is off,and things that I felt comfortable with are not as sure to me now.
However, on another note, my relationship with my ex-husband is improving,and I feel much better about that. I also got a really special letter from an old friend a few hours ago, telling me not to stop working, so that was very supportive, and deeply appreciated. I feel so up and down and I know that I just have to go through it.
My birthday was yesterday,and I thought about Richard all day. My grief is now about his last few days and last few hours,how did he spend it? Did he have any inkling that he was dying? I know that I shall have many moments of this sort of hurt and sadness that just cannot be shaken just like that.
It has come and broadsided me. I sometimes feel as though my balance is off,and things that I felt comfortable with are not as sure to me now.
However, on another note, my relationship with my ex-husband is improving,and I feel much better about that. I also got a really special letter from an old friend a few hours ago, telling me not to stop working, so that was very supportive, and deeply appreciated. I feel so up and down and I know that I just have to go through it.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
AF's Be Gone
To throw off the yolk of the AF's is something that I want to consciously acknowledge. How do I do this?I do this by validating myself.I do this with the following mantra-:
* What I think is important to my well being.
* My plans are possible and definitely achievable.
* My feelings and decisions matter to me and are relevant.
* Not agreeing or seeing eye to eye with my parents is not going to kill me.
* Respect is a two-way street,not a one way highway.I cannot support bullying tactics. I will retaliate an/or react.
This is a big deal for me. Although I began my adult life with a clear idea of what I wanted to do,to be educated,to have my profession,I also found myself losing my way sometimes...although I never left my profession during trying times.
Now, I say to myself,live,have the experiences that I want,know that if one thing fails or is slow in working out,that I have other options. Know that I can survive, I can make that change. Just know that I can succeed.
To throw off the yolk of the AF's is something that I want to consciously acknowledge. How do I do this?I do this by validating myself.I do this with the following mantra-:
* What I think is important to my well being.
* My plans are possible and definitely achievable.
* My feelings and decisions matter to me and are relevant.
* Not agreeing or seeing eye to eye with my parents is not going to kill me.
* Respect is a two-way street,not a one way highway.I cannot support bullying tactics. I will retaliate an/or react.
This is a big deal for me. Although I began my adult life with a clear idea of what I wanted to do,to be educated,to have my profession,I also found myself losing my way sometimes...although I never left my profession during trying times.
Now, I say to myself,live,have the experiences that I want,know that if one thing fails or is slow in working out,that I have other options. Know that I can survive, I can make that change. Just know that I can succeed.
Ode to joy
My goodness, what a difference a day and another perspective can give.Today i heard from my uncle in Canada. He has been here three times for the year,and this last time, he had a long talk with my ex-husband.I have come to now understand that he would prefer not to have me stay at his home. He cannot come out and say this to me,so he has been beating around the bush and involving my ex-husband in conversation.
So why am I writing such a title on this blog?I have woken up!I am clear at last! It has taken a very long time for me to get here. But now that I have done so, there is certainly no going back to past behavior. I have given people I call 'authority figures'control of my life. I yield to their perceived knowledge over my own. This is my most trying trait. These AF's are my parents,elder family members,my boss and anyone who is older and seems to have a title. It's not everybody, but the habit can be seen in my life in the guise of such. Now my ex-husband is younger than I, so how did he factor into AF, he does this by using the script of appearing to have facts and data to suggest to me that he knows more than I do.
My history with this embarrasses me. I have been afraid to make decisions because of the pressure I have felt about this.
But now that I can look at it for what it was, I now feel that I can move forward.
So why am I writing such a title on this blog?I have woken up!I am clear at last! It has taken a very long time for me to get here. But now that I have done so, there is certainly no going back to past behavior. I have given people I call 'authority figures'control of my life. I yield to their perceived knowledge over my own. This is my most trying trait. These AF's are my parents,elder family members,my boss and anyone who is older and seems to have a title. It's not everybody, but the habit can be seen in my life in the guise of such. Now my ex-husband is younger than I, so how did he factor into AF, he does this by using the script of appearing to have facts and data to suggest to me that he knows more than I do.
My history with this embarrasses me. I have been afraid to make decisions because of the pressure I have felt about this.
But now that I can look at it for what it was, I now feel that I can move forward.
Monday, June 28, 2010
once more from the peanut gallery
Our little one was ill today, so we both rushed into parents with sick child mode. When we are in it,we are like old times,including wanting to take up all of her attention.(Although this blog is private,I have been guarding against saying the sex of my child, but I just let it slip and I have decided that my pre-empting this information makes no sense,so I shan't continue to do that here anymore.)
I have had that sort of day,a day where I have looked back on my past and have had to just say that I must move forward once and for all.We went to the councillor and then we actually went out to eat together.I cannot recall when we have done this before,other than when we were married.
I want to process the evening a bit more before I write further.It affected both of us quite a bit.Much occupies my thoughts,because of all that I have been through most recently. Life is so short,so much time is wasted. So much said cannot be taken back.
What I got out of this last encounter with the councillor is that going over the same ground all the time when actually we have the same desires for our daughter is such that someone has to give. Someone has to let go of the desire to be right.
I always feel that it is me, but this evening,I saw that the very thing that I claim not to be and the very thing that I say that I want,I may very well have been repelling it in the very person I wanted it from.
I think that this has been my biggest lesson for 2010,and that is,finding another way to look at an issue that has been looked at one way.
Our little one was ill today, so we both rushed into parents with sick child mode. When we are in it,we are like old times,including wanting to take up all of her attention.(Although this blog is private,I have been guarding against saying the sex of my child, but I just let it slip and I have decided that my pre-empting this information makes no sense,so I shan't continue to do that here anymore.)
I have had that sort of day,a day where I have looked back on my past and have had to just say that I must move forward once and for all.We went to the councillor and then we actually went out to eat together.I cannot recall when we have done this before,other than when we were married.
I want to process the evening a bit more before I write further.It affected both of us quite a bit.Much occupies my thoughts,because of all that I have been through most recently. Life is so short,so much time is wasted. So much said cannot be taken back.
What I got out of this last encounter with the councillor is that going over the same ground all the time when actually we have the same desires for our daughter is such that someone has to give. Someone has to let go of the desire to be right.
I always feel that it is me, but this evening,I saw that the very thing that I claim not to be and the very thing that I say that I want,I may very well have been repelling it in the very person I wanted it from.
I think that this has been my biggest lesson for 2010,and that is,finding another way to look at an issue that has been looked at one way.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Agreement
We agree to proceed as follows for the good of our child-:
1. See to our child's Canadian status.
2. Secure financial supports for our child's future.
3. Work together to maintain a cordial relationship for our child's sake.
Cordiality means showing interest and regard for the other. Working out issues as reasonably as we can, in areas of great difficulty, being willing to have a third party assist.
4. This agreement means that activities involving our child must be observed. This includes as well,doing our best to give a secure family life to our child. We should mark holidays, birthdays and overall, endeavour to put our child's needs above our own.
5. This document must also take into account unforeseen circumstances and how to handle them. If one of us is not working, or one of us forms another relationship with someone else, this document should come up as first priority over our personal needs. Thus it must be fair, and in order for it to be fair, WE must establish a better relationship with the other. This must be part of the agreement. Neither party can work responsibly or to the best of their ability if the other party insists on being litigious or sabotaging in any way. This document MUST be able to assist us in doing what is best for our child at all times.
5. Within reason after the initial trial of working together, we should renew this document and amend it as necessary.
1. See to our child's Canadian status.
2. Secure financial supports for our child's future.
3. Work together to maintain a cordial relationship for our child's sake.
Cordiality means showing interest and regard for the other. Working out issues as reasonably as we can, in areas of great difficulty, being willing to have a third party assist.
4. This agreement means that activities involving our child must be observed. This includes as well,doing our best to give a secure family life to our child. We should mark holidays, birthdays and overall, endeavour to put our child's needs above our own.
5. This document must also take into account unforeseen circumstances and how to handle them. If one of us is not working, or one of us forms another relationship with someone else, this document should come up as first priority over our personal needs. Thus it must be fair, and in order for it to be fair, WE must establish a better relationship with the other. This must be part of the agreement. Neither party can work responsibly or to the best of their ability if the other party insists on being litigious or sabotaging in any way. This document MUST be able to assist us in doing what is best for our child at all times.
5. Within reason after the initial trial of working together, we should renew this document and amend it as necessary.
something more
and that is, MY OPINION
A dear friend of mine called me today to discuss the meeting I took with my ex-husband. Being a small place, she knew the person and got very agitated when I began to express my findings on the experience to her. My friend has a completely different view, more along the lines of my thinking, which I felt was not sensibly addressed in that meeting. However, being a bit older than I am, she gets very concerned for me, and she tells me things that she always feels awkward about. She'd stop herself and say things like, I hope we speak again after I say this to you.
Tonight, I felt a need to come right here to my site because of these two extremes of opinion, to field out a third opinion and that opinion is mine.
I saw my ex-husband again today, with the intention of discussing the only thing of any real value from my meeting with the councillor. I got even more off of my chest. It seems that every encounter with him is heated on my part. But I put it to him some issues that I want to get out and onto the agreement document we are proceeding to draw up.
But before I get into that, I want to look at the way I am seen. My friend talks to me as though I have given up 'my' power to my ex-husband, and to some extent, she is right that I had done that in the past, during the worst of the divorce, when he threatened me in so many ways,I felt that if I found a full time job, he'd take me to court for not spending time with our child for example. Back then I was ignorant of what was possible. Now,I am not naive.
My friend thinks that I should have nothing to do with him and should strike out on my own with my child in whatever direction I feel happiest going in.
I love that she thinks this. I find her suggestion very sweet, and I toy with this all of the time. I have been reticent about going it alone for only one reason. I have found that in the last year and a half that both my part time job and my freelance work have not been paying off. I have tried a number of things, but nothing really seems to be working out. Even this year, the projects are getting pushed back, and my salary, just like last year is being paid to me months late. It is frustrating and quite demoralizing.
So, here is my take on things.I want to make the best of my life and my situations. I am willing to try and to do what I can for my future and my child's future. I want to have a healthy relationship with her father, no matter what other people may see or think about my choice here. I know that if I do not try to have this, I will be disappointed with myself. Maybe this is because I keep good relationships with all the other men I know, so my ego is involved.Whatever the case may be, I want to feel better and to do better with the time that I have. My best friend spent his last two weeks in too much turmoil. So, it may sound real smart to say cut ties and do what you want, but there is also the reality of finding real balance in ones life.The opinion may not be popular but it is something I want to do at this time.
I will say however, in order to do this and to feel good about myself, some boundaries must be there for myself. These may factor into our eventual agreement.The agreement shall be my next post.
A dear friend of mine called me today to discuss the meeting I took with my ex-husband. Being a small place, she knew the person and got very agitated when I began to express my findings on the experience to her. My friend has a completely different view, more along the lines of my thinking, which I felt was not sensibly addressed in that meeting. However, being a bit older than I am, she gets very concerned for me, and she tells me things that she always feels awkward about. She'd stop herself and say things like, I hope we speak again after I say this to you.
Tonight, I felt a need to come right here to my site because of these two extremes of opinion, to field out a third opinion and that opinion is mine.
I saw my ex-husband again today, with the intention of discussing the only thing of any real value from my meeting with the councillor. I got even more off of my chest. It seems that every encounter with him is heated on my part. But I put it to him some issues that I want to get out and onto the agreement document we are proceeding to draw up.
But before I get into that, I want to look at the way I am seen. My friend talks to me as though I have given up 'my' power to my ex-husband, and to some extent, she is right that I had done that in the past, during the worst of the divorce, when he threatened me in so many ways,I felt that if I found a full time job, he'd take me to court for not spending time with our child for example. Back then I was ignorant of what was possible. Now,I am not naive.
My friend thinks that I should have nothing to do with him and should strike out on my own with my child in whatever direction I feel happiest going in.
I love that she thinks this. I find her suggestion very sweet, and I toy with this all of the time. I have been reticent about going it alone for only one reason. I have found that in the last year and a half that both my part time job and my freelance work have not been paying off. I have tried a number of things, but nothing really seems to be working out. Even this year, the projects are getting pushed back, and my salary, just like last year is being paid to me months late. It is frustrating and quite demoralizing.
So, here is my take on things.I want to make the best of my life and my situations. I am willing to try and to do what I can for my future and my child's future. I want to have a healthy relationship with her father, no matter what other people may see or think about my choice here. I know that if I do not try to have this, I will be disappointed with myself. Maybe this is because I keep good relationships with all the other men I know, so my ego is involved.Whatever the case may be, I want to feel better and to do better with the time that I have. My best friend spent his last two weeks in too much turmoil. So, it may sound real smart to say cut ties and do what you want, but there is also the reality of finding real balance in ones life.The opinion may not be popular but it is something I want to do at this time.
I will say however, in order to do this and to feel good about myself, some boundaries must be there for myself. These may factor into our eventual agreement.The agreement shall be my next post.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
So what?!
My ex-husband and I went to a councillor yesterday. Yep, we did everything backward, got divorced and sought the councillor afterwards. It was an experience. I found that she leaned towards his way of thinking and although she got across some of mine, I didn't feel that she did it enough for him to truly 'get it'. The bottom line though is that no councillor can help you with your life.
Only you can choose to let the things that hurt,go. Only you can decide to overlook things that you held to, hoping that the other person would conform to what you need. To me, my needs seem simple,I need an apology,I need to feel some sense of respect or regard. To me it isn't something difficult to do.
However, it continues to feel and seem as though I am asking for something super human from him, because although he may say something from time to time that suggests growth,to me it comes after giving miles and miles of myself for a crumb. So,I concluded recently that none of this was worth this anymore and that I had had it.I wanted nothing to do with him. In fact last night, when he explained to me where things unravelled in our relationship, I was so beyond disappointed that I told him that the fact that he could ruin our marriage for something so minor,meant to me that we didn't have much of anything to begin with,if it could break apart so easily.
LET THE HURT GO.In fact, I will go a step further, I dare my life to take a turn for the dramatically better,so much so that this hurt (the only hurt that shall feel this devastating) shall trickle away and be of no significance in my future, to the point where I will wonder what was the whole fuss about.
My ex-husband and I went to a councillor yesterday. Yep, we did everything backward, got divorced and sought the councillor afterwards. It was an experience. I found that she leaned towards his way of thinking and although she got across some of mine, I didn't feel that she did it enough for him to truly 'get it'. The bottom line though is that no councillor can help you with your life.
Only you can choose to let the things that hurt,go. Only you can decide to overlook things that you held to, hoping that the other person would conform to what you need. To me, my needs seem simple,I need an apology,I need to feel some sense of respect or regard. To me it isn't something difficult to do.
However, it continues to feel and seem as though I am asking for something super human from him, because although he may say something from time to time that suggests growth,to me it comes after giving miles and miles of myself for a crumb. So,I concluded recently that none of this was worth this anymore and that I had had it.I wanted nothing to do with him. In fact last night, when he explained to me where things unravelled in our relationship, I was so beyond disappointed that I told him that the fact that he could ruin our marriage for something so minor,meant to me that we didn't have much of anything to begin with,if it could break apart so easily.
LET THE HURT GO.In fact, I will go a step further, I dare my life to take a turn for the dramatically better,so much so that this hurt (the only hurt that shall feel this devastating) shall trickle away and be of no significance in my future, to the point where I will wonder what was the whole fuss about.
Monday, June 21, 2010
what does this mean?
The death of my closest friend is bringing into perspective things about my life that I knew would be coming up because of the fact that we were so close and we were also business partners. So, I knew that this would throw me into a tailspin about what I want to do now. But, tonight, I am also finding myself thinking about this whole sadness and coming to terms with his loss.
I have been here before, losing someone very close. The last time, in my twenties,it was new to me. Now, knowing what to expect makes it a bit more unusual. On the one hand I have an idea of what I will be going through, but on the other hand, I have no idea where this shall all lead me.
I am also aware of something that I was observing before he died, and that was my shift in mood. The fact that when I felt confident it was so thorough and when I felt the opposite, I also felt it as complete. I was beginning to feel that I had many more positive, productive days than not. But now, I wonder whether that shall become harder for me?
It is early yet, so I am experiencing ups and downs in one day. I am feeling very up and then very, very down and I am trying to deal with it as it comes.It is just hard to take, knowing that just weeks ago we did things together and now he's gone.
Should I look at everything that has felt like a loss, as a new beginning? It might be the wisest thing to do.
The death of my closest friend is bringing into perspective things about my life that I knew would be coming up because of the fact that we were so close and we were also business partners. So, I knew that this would throw me into a tailspin about what I want to do now. But, tonight, I am also finding myself thinking about this whole sadness and coming to terms with his loss.
I have been here before, losing someone very close. The last time, in my twenties,it was new to me. Now, knowing what to expect makes it a bit more unusual. On the one hand I have an idea of what I will be going through, but on the other hand, I have no idea where this shall all lead me.
I am also aware of something that I was observing before he died, and that was my shift in mood. The fact that when I felt confident it was so thorough and when I felt the opposite, I also felt it as complete. I was beginning to feel that I had many more positive, productive days than not. But now, I wonder whether that shall become harder for me?
It is early yet, so I am experiencing ups and downs in one day. I am feeling very up and then very, very down and I am trying to deal with it as it comes.It is just hard to take, knowing that just weeks ago we did things together and now he's gone.
Should I look at everything that has felt like a loss, as a new beginning? It might be the wisest thing to do.
Friday, June 18, 2010
and then...
I do believe that I must be careful to not make self-fulfilling prophecies, in the already posted letter. I do want to see something better happen to me in my life where the father of my child and my emotional life, generally, gets better by leaps and bounds. I decided to push my writing tonight because I have a problem with giving up and giving in.
Although I know that sometimes that is the only choice.
What this is really about is the ego. What this is really about is rejection, and I must discuss it now if I am going to have any peace with myself. The divorce felt like a complete rejection. I felt blind-sided,and I still feel hurt, and more so, I am surprised at the fact that moving on, even with someone else,is taking so long for me.
Maybe it is indeed time to seek some professional help, as the ego just cannot let go.
I had to let go of certain hopes and expectations when my dear friend died, so why am I unable or unwilling to do this for someone who clearly has let go at least three years ago?
Perhaps it is partially because I held him up to a ridiculously high regard and feel a deep sense of not measuring up to that regard as a dynamic of our co-dependence? Because I am aware that his insistence that we continue with a past plan,despite having no interest in me,is co-dependent on his part....so we both have to watch it! We clearly have some major crap to solve (if it can ever really be solved)
If it is that,then the former post is necessary and a good start.
I know that this is the ego because I cannot shift my thinking, too much is connected to feeling hurt and bringing up these hurts at every turn when this topic comes up. So, how do I change this? How do I work on this?
I think I need to make plans for my emotional life. Perhaps one option is making myself more visible. I don't go out. Maybe I should start doing that,be more sociable? That may help me? The alternative certainly is not yielding anything but much of the same?
So the last post stays.
As I always say, the issues are always about YOU if you take the time to do the work, you WILL find the answers you seek.
I do believe that I must be careful to not make self-fulfilling prophecies, in the already posted letter. I do want to see something better happen to me in my life where the father of my child and my emotional life, generally, gets better by leaps and bounds. I decided to push my writing tonight because I have a problem with giving up and giving in.
Although I know that sometimes that is the only choice.
What this is really about is the ego. What this is really about is rejection, and I must discuss it now if I am going to have any peace with myself. The divorce felt like a complete rejection. I felt blind-sided,and I still feel hurt, and more so, I am surprised at the fact that moving on, even with someone else,is taking so long for me.
Maybe it is indeed time to seek some professional help, as the ego just cannot let go.
I had to let go of certain hopes and expectations when my dear friend died, so why am I unable or unwilling to do this for someone who clearly has let go at least three years ago?
Perhaps it is partially because I held him up to a ridiculously high regard and feel a deep sense of not measuring up to that regard as a dynamic of our co-dependence? Because I am aware that his insistence that we continue with a past plan,despite having no interest in me,is co-dependent on his part....so we both have to watch it! We clearly have some major crap to solve (if it can ever really be solved)
If it is that,then the former post is necessary and a good start.
I know that this is the ego because I cannot shift my thinking, too much is connected to feeling hurt and bringing up these hurts at every turn when this topic comes up. So, how do I change this? How do I work on this?
I think I need to make plans for my emotional life. Perhaps one option is making myself more visible. I don't go out. Maybe I should start doing that,be more sociable? That may help me? The alternative certainly is not yielding anything but much of the same?
So the last post stays.
As I always say, the issues are always about YOU if you take the time to do the work, you WILL find the answers you seek.
Outcomes and incomes
Today I knew that I would be a little unsteady emotionally, and what I mean by that, is that today would have been the day, last week that my dearest friend was dying. The whole week has been challenging. From his family descending on me and all wanting answers and re-assurance that they were good to him, to my ex-husband deciding to throw me the cold shoulder when I chose supporting the family of my friend over some pre-scheduled thing with him.
In fact that brings me here tonight. I had a long and unexpectedly frank talk with his mother. My friends death has made me see some things that have gone on, a bit differently now. I suspect that his death marks a true turning point in my life.
I have finally given up my attempts to make right my post marriage status with my ex-husband. The way he behaved when I chose my friends' funeral over his issue was just the last straw,and I have had many last straws I have felt,but this time,I think that that one did the trick.
I have come to terms with the fact that he is just a selfish,thoughtless person.I have hoped that he could mature and get past certain behaviour that he now shows me, but this will just not be the case. In fact,I do not know what convinced me that I could have a civil or any relationship with him for that matter?
The way of most people seems to be the best idea....to go our separate ways and not speak, maybe ever again, apart from discussing our child.
I know that what I am writing sounds a bit harsh,but I can see no alternative.I really have had enough. I have tried and tried,and tried. When my friend was alive, he used to say, god knows you've tried. Now I ask myself, why? To what avail have I even bothered? Every time I reached out, I gave ten miles for a fraction of a centimetre in response.
This is just not worth it. I throw down my hands,I give up. I can do no more.I do not see the point.
Today I knew that I would be a little unsteady emotionally, and what I mean by that, is that today would have been the day, last week that my dearest friend was dying. The whole week has been challenging. From his family descending on me and all wanting answers and re-assurance that they were good to him, to my ex-husband deciding to throw me the cold shoulder when I chose supporting the family of my friend over some pre-scheduled thing with him.
In fact that brings me here tonight. I had a long and unexpectedly frank talk with his mother. My friends death has made me see some things that have gone on, a bit differently now. I suspect that his death marks a true turning point in my life.
I have finally given up my attempts to make right my post marriage status with my ex-husband. The way he behaved when I chose my friends' funeral over his issue was just the last straw,and I have had many last straws I have felt,but this time,I think that that one did the trick.
I have come to terms with the fact that he is just a selfish,thoughtless person.I have hoped that he could mature and get past certain behaviour that he now shows me, but this will just not be the case. In fact,I do not know what convinced me that I could have a civil or any relationship with him for that matter?
The way of most people seems to be the best idea....to go our separate ways and not speak, maybe ever again, apart from discussing our child.
I know that what I am writing sounds a bit harsh,but I can see no alternative.I really have had enough. I have tried and tried,and tried. When my friend was alive, he used to say, god knows you've tried. Now I ask myself, why? To what avail have I even bothered? Every time I reached out, I gave ten miles for a fraction of a centimetre in response.
This is just not worth it. I throw down my hands,I give up. I can do no more.I do not see the point.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Last night I automatically started to write Richard an email, and last night I thought I heard someone say Hold on Richard, I'll get her for you.
This was not an, oh, I do not feel well, and let's go to the doctor. This was ill and then death. I had been nagging him to have a check-up. I know that I cannot assume anything until the autopsy results come back. But today, I feel more wild eyed than yesterday.
I was able to sleep, I made sure of that by really pushing myself yesterday.
But today, I had to push myself out of bed with the knowledge that I cannot call my best friend on the phone to find out how he is feeling.
I can never do this, ever again...
I have to get up and go on with my life.
I have to spend some time today to put my thoughts in place about how I am going to move forward.
If I do not do this, I think that I shall never recover from this.
This was not an, oh, I do not feel well, and let's go to the doctor. This was ill and then death. I had been nagging him to have a check-up. I know that I cannot assume anything until the autopsy results come back. But today, I feel more wild eyed than yesterday.
I was able to sleep, I made sure of that by really pushing myself yesterday.
But today, I had to push myself out of bed with the knowledge that I cannot call my best friend on the phone to find out how he is feeling.
I can never do this, ever again...
I have to get up and go on with my life.
I have to spend some time today to put my thoughts in place about how I am going to move forward.
If I do not do this, I think that I shall never recover from this.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
the peace of wild things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
— Wendell Berry
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
— Wendell Berry
Monday, May 24, 2010
The polls have spoken. My country is now to be led by our first female prime minister. It was a nail biting election. Both sides had enough dirt to bury a town. Or actually one side had more dirt than the other, but it did not matter. They won anyway.
This election reminded me of my divorce and it shall stay with me for some time, because the issue ultimately was about people making up their minds. No matter what is done or said, if someone does not want to do what you want them to do, they will simply not do it.
It does not matter whether you change your attitude, your clothes, nothing helps. It is a confounding and bitter thing to experience, and I am sure that our outgoing prime minister shall be feeling the weight of his country on his back as he demits office later today.
I personally cannot look at the results as others have. I found the way my fellow countrymen behaved and what they accepted on both sides, confounding. Confounding in the way that the now old ruling party found its edge wittled away and the incoming party, what it did to win.
A close friend said to me that he preferred to vote in the devil that he did not know to the one that he did. That is how corrupt both sides are! That attitude begs the question, why should we put up with corruption at all? Why should we look at it as part and parcel of politicians' lives? Why should I now wait for the shoe to drop with my new political leader?
There is much to wonder and to assess, but for now, I am glad that the elections have passed and I will do the right thing, support my government and help make my country a better place.
This election reminded me of my divorce and it shall stay with me for some time, because the issue ultimately was about people making up their minds. No matter what is done or said, if someone does not want to do what you want them to do, they will simply not do it.
It does not matter whether you change your attitude, your clothes, nothing helps. It is a confounding and bitter thing to experience, and I am sure that our outgoing prime minister shall be feeling the weight of his country on his back as he demits office later today.
I personally cannot look at the results as others have. I found the way my fellow countrymen behaved and what they accepted on both sides, confounding. Confounding in the way that the now old ruling party found its edge wittled away and the incoming party, what it did to win.
A close friend said to me that he preferred to vote in the devil that he did not know to the one that he did. That is how corrupt both sides are! That attitude begs the question, why should we put up with corruption at all? Why should we look at it as part and parcel of politicians' lives? Why should I now wait for the shoe to drop with my new political leader?
There is much to wonder and to assess, but for now, I am glad that the elections have passed and I will do the right thing, support my government and help make my country a better place.
Friday, May 21, 2010
The elections are now two days away, and this one has been the most dramatic that I have ever encountered. This is partly due to having more media than ever before, and more so, the bombardment of all of it on the senses all of the time.
Tonight however, I was severely impacted by an unexpected variable. The leader of a much smaller party, a man who affected an entire decade, and arguably is still feared in our nation.
His son has formed a party, but he is of course very much the driving force behind it. He spoke for about half an hour, and he had so much of interest to say, from first hand juicy gossip that bordered on shocking truth...because he was involved...to practical insights because of his experience with the truly downtrodden in the nation.
His words truly strike a cord because as my mother put it, his is the subtext between the two parties vying for our votes, and as he stated tonight, why do the citizens keep voting for rats to guard our cheese?
This election is about our country, who we are and what we will become. It is about confronting our morality, deciding what we want for ourselves today and tomorrow, and whether we can continue to accept certain conditions.
He made the question of the lesser of two evils one that must be squarely looked at, and the conclusion was not palatable. One is far more treacherous than the other, far more worrisome indeed. The history of our country particularly the last twenty years, must be recorded in full detail for generations to come. it is a dizzying history that reads better than any novel.
But I am writing about this man tonight because he got me to take stock of myself and my own life. He talked about ownership and personal wealth. he talked about the people who have all of the wealth and those who do not. Of course I know all of this already, so why did it impact me now?
It was the way in which he talked about the spiral of poverty. The fact that organisation is what is lacking at the base of it. The fact that it is so easy to see success for others and not for yourself and for those in your family. It is so easy to think that it cannot happen for you. He threw a statement out that I now am running with, that shall change how I see and view economic success from now on.
I have read many magazines, blogs and books on all types of money supporting and assisting tips. I never think of it in terms of myself in my island, getting richer by personal entrepreneurship...although I have had my own business. I never thought of myself from a place of actually becoming wealthy through an idea that I build on.
I am thinking that way now. I am thinking this way because none of the above, not that small party or the other two are really ultimately the makers of my happiness and my success, I am, and I thank him for showing me the way.
Tonight however, I was severely impacted by an unexpected variable. The leader of a much smaller party, a man who affected an entire decade, and arguably is still feared in our nation.
His son has formed a party, but he is of course very much the driving force behind it. He spoke for about half an hour, and he had so much of interest to say, from first hand juicy gossip that bordered on shocking truth...because he was involved...to practical insights because of his experience with the truly downtrodden in the nation.
His words truly strike a cord because as my mother put it, his is the subtext between the two parties vying for our votes, and as he stated tonight, why do the citizens keep voting for rats to guard our cheese?
This election is about our country, who we are and what we will become. It is about confronting our morality, deciding what we want for ourselves today and tomorrow, and whether we can continue to accept certain conditions.
He made the question of the lesser of two evils one that must be squarely looked at, and the conclusion was not palatable. One is far more treacherous than the other, far more worrisome indeed. The history of our country particularly the last twenty years, must be recorded in full detail for generations to come. it is a dizzying history that reads better than any novel.
But I am writing about this man tonight because he got me to take stock of myself and my own life. He talked about ownership and personal wealth. he talked about the people who have all of the wealth and those who do not. Of course I know all of this already, so why did it impact me now?
It was the way in which he talked about the spiral of poverty. The fact that organisation is what is lacking at the base of it. The fact that it is so easy to see success for others and not for yourself and for those in your family. It is so easy to think that it cannot happen for you. He threw a statement out that I now am running with, that shall change how I see and view economic success from now on.
I have read many magazines, blogs and books on all types of money supporting and assisting tips. I never think of it in terms of myself in my island, getting richer by personal entrepreneurship...although I have had my own business. I never thought of myself from a place of actually becoming wealthy through an idea that I build on.
I am thinking that way now. I am thinking this way because none of the above, not that small party or the other two are really ultimately the makers of my happiness and my success, I am, and I thank him for showing me the way.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
missing an aspect of the past...
Tonight I had two encounters, one at the grocery and the other on the way home. It was subtle and actually impossible to detect if you were observing it from the outside. I felt it on the inside, a twinge of reminiscence, a twinge of yearning and missing. I don't like when I feel that way. I always feel uncomfortable about feeling it. I wonder whether I am alright? I get defensive, and I say to myself that perhaps it is normal. I also say to myself all of the things that help me to move past the feelings.Things like...You'll feel this way again, don't worry, and it shall be greater and longer and worth my while.
I don't doubt myself when I cheer myself up with those affirmations. They help. Yet,tonight, there was something else in my gaze as I saw the two separate couples, doing the unremarkable things that life puts forward. They were both just standing together. The first family, with their two children, and it turned out that I knew the person from ballet, years ago.
The second person was standing with her husband, waving to someone who was leaving their driveway. The assurance of the other person, standing there, I felt the value of that, the importance and intimacy of knowing that there are things shared.
I think that I have to come to terms right now with the fact that I have to stop feeling so thrown by love,by lasting relationships that are not my own.
How do I begin to fix what is clearly a hole that I feel inside? I thought that I was doing so? But when I get to this place, I remember that I am still bruised. I am so tired of feeling that I am still hurting. I don't like it one bit. but I don't know what to do about it.
Part of me replies, don't be so hard on yourself and another thinks, get back on the horse. I really do not have an answer.
Tonight I had two encounters, one at the grocery and the other on the way home. It was subtle and actually impossible to detect if you were observing it from the outside. I felt it on the inside, a twinge of reminiscence, a twinge of yearning and missing. I don't like when I feel that way. I always feel uncomfortable about feeling it. I wonder whether I am alright? I get defensive, and I say to myself that perhaps it is normal. I also say to myself all of the things that help me to move past the feelings.Things like...You'll feel this way again, don't worry, and it shall be greater and longer and worth my while.
I don't doubt myself when I cheer myself up with those affirmations. They help. Yet,tonight, there was something else in my gaze as I saw the two separate couples, doing the unremarkable things that life puts forward. They were both just standing together. The first family, with their two children, and it turned out that I knew the person from ballet, years ago.
The second person was standing with her husband, waving to someone who was leaving their driveway. The assurance of the other person, standing there, I felt the value of that, the importance and intimacy of knowing that there are things shared.
I think that I have to come to terms right now with the fact that I have to stop feeling so thrown by love,by lasting relationships that are not my own.
How do I begin to fix what is clearly a hole that I feel inside? I thought that I was doing so? But when I get to this place, I remember that I am still bruised. I am so tired of feeling that I am still hurting. I don't like it one bit. but I don't know what to do about it.
Part of me replies, don't be so hard on yourself and another thinks, get back on the horse. I really do not have an answer.
I found this quote in a magazine the year my little one was born, and I just found the book again, and the quote struck me as quite beautiful, so I shall retranscribe it here.
****************************************************
~ Jennifer Senior
Contributing Editor of New York magazine
****************************************************
****************************************************
We'll always feel like we're twenty years old, even if our bodies are fifty; how our younger selves trail us throughout our lives, and sometimes we cannot explain our choices to them.
The good news is that these former selves are a lot like shadows in the sun: they only lengthen and grow more powerful as the day goes on. And now that I think about it, don't they also appear in the front of us, as well as behind - egging us on, reminding us what to strive for?
~ Jennifer Senior
Contributing Editor of New York magazine
****************************************************
Friday, May 14, 2010
There was a time in my life when I used to feel optimistic for everyone around me. I would follow their thoughts and their lives, sure that whatever they set their minds to, would work. I did not have this inner belief for myself, and so, I made many lists and starts and stops because I just did not shore up those feelings inside of myself.
Gradually, I found, as work became steady, and I was able to do the things that I was trained to do, I began to feel this same sense of confidence intermittently. It came up in particular when I worked with my partner, to keep him focused.
It has taken three decades for me to finally come to a place where I feel a sense of myself. It is so strange that although I never left what I wanted to do, it has taken this long to come to terms with it, all of this time.
This new found realisation also makes me want to reach out in other aspects of my life as well. I want to move without hesitation in my bearings and dealings, see how my confidence navigates my world.
I feel as though I am trying on a skin that is new but a long time in the making.
How did I finally get here? It has happened through decades of reading and experiencing and making many mistakes and never feeling as though I knew anything at all. The difference today is that not knowing anything at all is not a stickler, it is not a punisher, it is not a surpriser and it is not something to fear or to be stumped by.
It came to me immediately as I wrote, and I would say, figuring things out through writing has helped immeasurably, I actually wrote to myself...
Those simple lines did it for me.
Along with the realisation that I deserved to give myself the gift of confidence that I give so easily and effortlessly to others.
Because it has taken me so long to get here, I must assume that it was meant this way. I understand now that you can move forward, sideways or whatever way you perceive you are going, dependant on what you allow yourself to be ready for.
I spent a great part of my adulthood in fear. Fear of making mistakes, fear of disappointing others, fear of independence, fear of myself...there comes a point where fear begins to look like worn letters on a billboard sign, a sign with no back, only props.
It does not mean that I do not get a tingle of anxiety, it does not mean that doubt does not nudge me. No, instead, what I have today, is an understanding that fear is what it is, a moment of stepping into the unknown and the unknowable and allowing myself to experience this illusive thing called L-I-F-E. It is but a moment that cannot be held to, for it is fleeting, it is fast and anything can play within its gossamer corridors that are vast.
Does it mean that I now know everything? Hardly, but again, in the embracing of the unknown and the awareness of emotions and choices as just an aspect of who I am and what life is, I actually come off the treadmill of thinking that worrying and keeping my desires small would somehow keep me overlooked and thus, safe. It may have done this, but it also kept my life small and my dreams unfulfilled. I am fully aware that this is harsher than the truth. I did not have a small life really. I have so much to be thankful and happy for, when I say small, I simply mean, for all of those times that I let doubt and fear prevent me from my life. I played it safe and sound, but I also lost an opportunity to see what I could do and where I could go and be.
I let lack of resouces influence what I could do. I saw lack of money as an obstacle, and I shut down my expectations.
So, what changed? Two belief systems changed my thinking, as I wrote before, they liberated me from myself and they came to me this year.
Gradually, I found, as work became steady, and I was able to do the things that I was trained to do, I began to feel this same sense of confidence intermittently. It came up in particular when I worked with my partner, to keep him focused.
It has taken three decades for me to finally come to a place where I feel a sense of myself. It is so strange that although I never left what I wanted to do, it has taken this long to come to terms with it, all of this time.
This new found realisation also makes me want to reach out in other aspects of my life as well. I want to move without hesitation in my bearings and dealings, see how my confidence navigates my world.
I feel as though I am trying on a skin that is new but a long time in the making.
How did I finally get here? It has happened through decades of reading and experiencing and making many mistakes and never feeling as though I knew anything at all. The difference today is that not knowing anything at all is not a stickler, it is not a punisher, it is not a surpriser and it is not something to fear or to be stumped by.
It came to me immediately as I wrote, and I would say, figuring things out through writing has helped immeasurably, I actually wrote to myself...
get out of your head,
and into your life.
Those simple lines did it for me.
Along with the realisation that I deserved to give myself the gift of confidence that I give so easily and effortlessly to others.
Because it has taken me so long to get here, I must assume that it was meant this way. I understand now that you can move forward, sideways or whatever way you perceive you are going, dependant on what you allow yourself to be ready for.
I spent a great part of my adulthood in fear. Fear of making mistakes, fear of disappointing others, fear of independence, fear of myself...there comes a point where fear begins to look like worn letters on a billboard sign, a sign with no back, only props.
It does not mean that I do not get a tingle of anxiety, it does not mean that doubt does not nudge me. No, instead, what I have today, is an understanding that fear is what it is, a moment of stepping into the unknown and the unknowable and allowing myself to experience this illusive thing called L-I-F-E. It is but a moment that cannot be held to, for it is fleeting, it is fast and anything can play within its gossamer corridors that are vast.
Does it mean that I now know everything? Hardly, but again, in the embracing of the unknown and the awareness of emotions and choices as just an aspect of who I am and what life is, I actually come off the treadmill of thinking that worrying and keeping my desires small would somehow keep me overlooked and thus, safe. It may have done this, but it also kept my life small and my dreams unfulfilled. I am fully aware that this is harsher than the truth. I did not have a small life really. I have so much to be thankful and happy for, when I say small, I simply mean, for all of those times that I let doubt and fear prevent me from my life. I played it safe and sound, but I also lost an opportunity to see what I could do and where I could go and be.
I let lack of resouces influence what I could do. I saw lack of money as an obstacle, and I shut down my expectations.
So, what changed? Two belief systems changed my thinking, as I wrote before, they liberated me from myself and they came to me this year.
Monday, May 3, 2010
So much time spent, but what was the quality?
Elections in my country has been so frenzied, partly because the prime minister chose to call it early (by two and a half years) There is a large certainty that he shall not be returned to office,and that a mishmash of the opposition shall walk away with the vote including giving us our first female prime minister.
This election has made me very introspective. To me, all that is going on at this time is a reflection of the people. There are few I can speak to who are not deeply emotional about it. So much so, that straight answers about choice of concerns fly out the window and are replaced by cliches and criticisms.
I do not know whether I am just naturally contrary, but I do not see this election in the cut and dried way that is coming from so many.
It is so easy to talk, to complain. In my own relationship, I complained about things that I did not control. I had expectations that I did not manage. With time and maturity, I see now that it is so easy to be like a child, wanting whatever you think will make things better. But what is it that we really want? With our government I would not deny that I too complained about many things, but I now think that it is important to hear how both parties plan to take the nation forward.
I feel very wistful, very moved by my country at this time. We have an opportunity to come into our own and to really focus on nation building where we put the best forward. Yet, I see us getting caught up (as usual) in pettiness, pretensions and scare tactics...which all politicians use and will continue to use.
Today, I had a talk with my ex-husband and I asked him, what do you need right now to be happy into your future? I asked him to take my question seriously.
For possibly the first time, I did not waver in my comments to him about his pattern of blaming others for what he feels he has not been able to accomplish. I have watched him not enjoy himself, always defensive, always anxiety filled. Very little real joy, apart from our years of courting when he would let his guard down from time to time. The marriage was another thing altogether. We both spent a great deal of time focused in the future and the past, and not much in the present.
I have made so many mistakes. But, I have learnt a great deal, and I am so grateful that I have another chance every day that I breath in and out.
Elections in my country has been so frenzied, partly because the prime minister chose to call it early (by two and a half years) There is a large certainty that he shall not be returned to office,and that a mishmash of the opposition shall walk away with the vote including giving us our first female prime minister.
This election has made me very introspective. To me, all that is going on at this time is a reflection of the people. There are few I can speak to who are not deeply emotional about it. So much so, that straight answers about choice of concerns fly out the window and are replaced by cliches and criticisms.
I do not know whether I am just naturally contrary, but I do not see this election in the cut and dried way that is coming from so many.
It is so easy to talk, to complain. In my own relationship, I complained about things that I did not control. I had expectations that I did not manage. With time and maturity, I see now that it is so easy to be like a child, wanting whatever you think will make things better. But what is it that we really want? With our government I would not deny that I too complained about many things, but I now think that it is important to hear how both parties plan to take the nation forward.
I feel very wistful, very moved by my country at this time. We have an opportunity to come into our own and to really focus on nation building where we put the best forward. Yet, I see us getting caught up (as usual) in pettiness, pretensions and scare tactics...which all politicians use and will continue to use.
Today, I had a talk with my ex-husband and I asked him, what do you need right now to be happy into your future? I asked him to take my question seriously.
For possibly the first time, I did not waver in my comments to him about his pattern of blaming others for what he feels he has not been able to accomplish. I have watched him not enjoy himself, always defensive, always anxiety filled. Very little real joy, apart from our years of courting when he would let his guard down from time to time. The marriage was another thing altogether. We both spent a great deal of time focused in the future and the past, and not much in the present.
I have made so many mistakes. But, I have learnt a great deal, and I am so grateful that I have another chance every day that I breath in and out.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The drunken master or getting off the emotional rollercoaster
I spoke to two people I trust and listened to reason.I confronted my feelings, and even looked at all of the other distractions too.It took a little prodding from me, but I was able to just lay my contradictions on the line. I said aloud what I felt about my ex-husband, what I think I feel for my ex-boyfriend...lol...ex,ex,ex.
Look behind door number three. How about considering that something else can be on the way?
The moment I start thinking emotionally, I know that I cannot make a decision from that head space. I have to take a moment and find out why I am acting that way. What is it that I believe I want from the situation? I must articulate it and see whether it shall really reward me as suspect.This is always about feeling good, so I cannot make light of people who have addictions, who is to say that my feelings are not in that category as well?
What I do know is that, if something is to work, it should not be hard to make it work. It should not require hurting others, it should not be all about uprooting and disrupting what I am about to have it.
I feel embarressed to be so vulnerable, but this is because I pride myself on knowing better most of the time. I'll get over that.
I so want to be appreciated, admired, loved,share love, that despite myself, I am reaching out towards what is comfortable and familiar.
Perhaps I also need to start going out sometime, I have gotten into work and home to the extent that I do nothing else.Maybe, if I focus a bit on things outside myself that I enjoy and can do for myself, I may be less likely to feel so emotionally needy.
I spoke to two people I trust and listened to reason.I confronted my feelings, and even looked at all of the other distractions too.It took a little prodding from me, but I was able to just lay my contradictions on the line. I said aloud what I felt about my ex-husband, what I think I feel for my ex-boyfriend...lol...ex,ex,ex.
Look behind door number three. How about considering that something else can be on the way?
The moment I start thinking emotionally, I know that I cannot make a decision from that head space. I have to take a moment and find out why I am acting that way. What is it that I believe I want from the situation? I must articulate it and see whether it shall really reward me as suspect.This is always about feeling good, so I cannot make light of people who have addictions, who is to say that my feelings are not in that category as well?
What I do know is that, if something is to work, it should not be hard to make it work. It should not require hurting others, it should not be all about uprooting and disrupting what I am about to have it.
I feel embarressed to be so vulnerable, but this is because I pride myself on knowing better most of the time. I'll get over that.
I so want to be appreciated, admired, loved,share love, that despite myself, I am reaching out towards what is comfortable and familiar.
Perhaps I also need to start going out sometime, I have gotten into work and home to the extent that I do nothing else.Maybe, if I focus a bit on things outside myself that I enjoy and can do for myself, I may be less likely to feel so emotionally needy.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
how honest is honest?
This I must ask myself because I want to write much more, but I don't even dare to do so here, and the question really is why? My feelings are growing for someone from my past. I like the way that I feel, but the timing is all wrong. All wrong. There is an obstacle, and he is approaching me now because his obstacle is no longer in his way.
I know that I cannot continue with what has begun to happen between us. I know it, but it is hard to tear myself away. I cannot believe that I am so weak? I used to pride myself on being quite the opposite. Not even necessarily strong, but just able to say no, able to withstand certain advances.
But he is coming at me in the right way, massaging my defences, challenging my boundaries, slipping in through our friendship and old love and worming around my resolve.
I can't bare it when he looks directly at me, and he does this a great deal, and smiles as though he and I hold some secret, which in a way, we do.
I didn't realise that so much had lain dormant? I took it for granted. To me, I lay that baggage down a long time ago and moved on. But now, I see that it was strong, it was beautiful and it was resilient.
This I must ask myself because I want to write much more, but I don't even dare to do so here, and the question really is why? My feelings are growing for someone from my past. I like the way that I feel, but the timing is all wrong. All wrong. There is an obstacle, and he is approaching me now because his obstacle is no longer in his way.
I know that I cannot continue with what has begun to happen between us. I know it, but it is hard to tear myself away. I cannot believe that I am so weak? I used to pride myself on being quite the opposite. Not even necessarily strong, but just able to say no, able to withstand certain advances.
But he is coming at me in the right way, massaging my defences, challenging my boundaries, slipping in through our friendship and old love and worming around my resolve.
I can't bare it when he looks directly at me, and he does this a great deal, and smiles as though he and I hold some secret, which in a way, we do.
I didn't realise that so much had lain dormant? I took it for granted. To me, I lay that baggage down a long time ago and moved on. But now, I see that it was strong, it was beautiful and it was resilient.
Sometimes it must be asked what do you really want and more so, what do you believe is best for you? I have had the time to ask myself this about my emotional life in particular, thinking that writing, stating and feeling what I want was very straightforward.But now, I find myself in two minds, evenly divided down the middle. I must sort it out as soon as possible because I am not following my own thoughts on the matter.
What surprises me about myself at the moment is that I am thinking very emotionally, thinking very selfishly on the one hand and then very pragmatically and reasonably on the other.
How can I be happy, when it can only be fleeting? Obviously wanting much more is inevitable. Logic requires prudence. I know what I must do, but I want to enjoy what I can while I can, and this is driving me around the bend.
The good thing about this is that I can discuss it honestly. Yet,that is the problem too, because it is so obvious that so much is shared and appreciated, and those things make decision making harder.
I just want my cake and to eat it too.
I thought that I could handle everything, but I must now be realistic. I just have to be steely and end this lovely experience.
What surprises me about myself at the moment is that I am thinking very emotionally, thinking very selfishly on the one hand and then very pragmatically and reasonably on the other.
How can I be happy, when it can only be fleeting? Obviously wanting much more is inevitable. Logic requires prudence. I know what I must do, but I want to enjoy what I can while I can, and this is driving me around the bend.
The good thing about this is that I can discuss it honestly. Yet,that is the problem too, because it is so obvious that so much is shared and appreciated, and those things make decision making harder.
I just want my cake and to eat it too.
I thought that I could handle everything, but I must now be realistic. I just have to be steely and end this lovely experience.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Found on the blog alchemy,legend,myth
i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't serach for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't serach for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I chose to be born to very dynamic parents.In every way they represent everything that we strive for on this planet, and they succeeded. However, I also was born to two bullies. It is difficult to confront that I chose that dynamic on which to walk the earth,and I may have escaped into the hands of one instead of duel bullies, but now that I have been living with my parents again, there are days, as this one is, where the truth is such a slap in the face that it must be said aloud.
I must find solutions to my present status. I must. The things that occur to me seem to be getting more and more intense, and I have wondered, what next? My very presence seems to rankle, even though so much is asked of me that I do indeed do for the household and beyond.
My self esteem has been knocked about in this gilded cage called home. I have looked at this often. What do I do? What should my next step be?
Tonight I feel closer to the strength of standing up for myself in the way where I can say, I just need to make a move, it does not have to be a brilliant place, it does have to be good enough and safe enough for my little one. But recently, I began to say to myself, I motivate so many people, I have seen my energy take root in them and watched them blossom. It is now time for me to see that I too am a butterfly whose wings are made of the strongest stuff.
I must find solutions to my present status. I must. The things that occur to me seem to be getting more and more intense, and I have wondered, what next? My very presence seems to rankle, even though so much is asked of me that I do indeed do for the household and beyond.
My self esteem has been knocked about in this gilded cage called home. I have looked at this often. What do I do? What should my next step be?
Tonight I feel closer to the strength of standing up for myself in the way where I can say, I just need to make a move, it does not have to be a brilliant place, it does have to be good enough and safe enough for my little one. But recently, I began to say to myself, I motivate so many people, I have seen my energy take root in them and watched them blossom. It is now time for me to see that I too am a butterfly whose wings are made of the strongest stuff.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
now that I know...
Now that I know that it is all about me, this look at my old flame and wondering about my own choices, I now ask myself, so, now that you know that the dissatisfaction is within, what am I going to do about it?
Change things.
I have to go back to Canada in the next few weeks, or at least before August. I am thinking about the things that I would like to accomplish this time around.
I would like to see parts of the country that I have only read about, and I also plan on doing a bit of online research to know what to expect and to make further plans. I look upon the whole Canada thing as an adventure, and I am very open about it. I don't know what the possibilities can be. But I am very optimistic about it.
Getting work and having money and savings shall go a long way to making me feel better about my life and myself. Not having money, having to rely on the chosen moments of kndness of my family has grown quite stale.
I am divorced now, and I have had the year of wondering what to do next and the looking in on myself and looking at where I need to be and to go. So now it is time to act, whether I have things in place or not.
Now that I know that it is all about me, this look at my old flame and wondering about my own choices, I now ask myself, so, now that you know that the dissatisfaction is within, what am I going to do about it?
Change things.
I have to go back to Canada in the next few weeks, or at least before August. I am thinking about the things that I would like to accomplish this time around.
I would like to see parts of the country that I have only read about, and I also plan on doing a bit of online research to know what to expect and to make further plans. I look upon the whole Canada thing as an adventure, and I am very open about it. I don't know what the possibilities can be. But I am very optimistic about it.
Getting work and having money and savings shall go a long way to making me feel better about my life and myself. Not having money, having to rely on the chosen moments of kndness of my family has grown quite stale.
I am divorced now, and I have had the year of wondering what to do next and the looking in on myself and looking at where I need to be and to go. So now it is time to act, whether I have things in place or not.
Friday, April 16, 2010
some more thoughts...
It is not enough for me tonight to write about the people in my life and even about what I am discovering about myself. I also wanted to look at making decisions about things without always wanting the perfect circumstances or the most logical ones to come to the fore. I was reading over some of my posts here, and whenever I re-read what I have written here, I listen for my tone.
In this instance, I was alerted to my comments that my ex and I are getting along better.This is good, and what must happen now is that I keep going along the path of what I want to see accomplished.
There are those in my family with heir views about him, about me, about the whole scenario. But that is their opinion.
I am tired of giving over my thoughts to the worst case possibility and then some. There now comes a time when even if the worst does happen, you should be able to know with certainty that you will survive and even thrive, no matter what.
It is not enough for me tonight to write about the people in my life and even about what I am discovering about myself. I also wanted to look at making decisions about things without always wanting the perfect circumstances or the most logical ones to come to the fore. I was reading over some of my posts here, and whenever I re-read what I have written here, I listen for my tone.
In this instance, I was alerted to my comments that my ex and I are getting along better.This is good, and what must happen now is that I keep going along the path of what I want to see accomplished.
There are those in my family with heir views about him, about me, about the whole scenario. But that is their opinion.
I am tired of giving over my thoughts to the worst case possibility and then some. There now comes a time when even if the worst does happen, you should be able to know with certainty that you will survive and even thrive, no matter what.
What I need is time...
Time to process some information that I heard today from an old flame. He made some amazing decisions that should have been the kind of decisions made by my ex-husband and I. I dislike comparing these two people, and I am embarrassed to do so, but it is in my thoughts, nagging at me because of how things turned out. I just marvel at these two men, they are from completely different backgrounds. Yet the story that should be told of both has turned out the opposite. But when I peel back the layers, this isn't actually about my ex at all, or the old flame, this is about how I feel about myself.
When I see where this person is in his life, even though we are meeting again for reasons I am not always comfortable about and am struggling with, he and I have been placed together again for definite growth on my part.
Today we had a great time, just talking and driving around looking at houses and discussing architectural taste and styles. This is something I have always liked to do, but never really got anyone to do with me. He kept saying that he wished that he had had his camera with him, a number of things we both observed deserved to be captured.
The comparison also comes up first because my mother made a comment tonight about my ex that just continues to perpetuate what always kept things difficult (it seemed) to me. I tried to diffuse her, but only managed to add gasoline when I thought it was water. She may never be in any other mental space where my ex is concerned, and I just have to accept that.
What has surprised me is myself. The old flame is looking at the house, at me, at everything around and about me, with eyes that have advanced twenty something odd years since we were an item. I wonder about those eyes, do they judge fairly? Or no, I should say, how do those eyes make me feel about myself? Because really, I cannot assume to get into his thoughts, and can only reflect my own onto him.
I wish that I had the resources to do the things in my parents home that need to be done. I wish that I had my own wealth that seemed the easy and effortless type, where I take it completely for granted that everything I have is just a reflection of my taste and style.
For a moment, that sat heavily with me.
I am devoid of much physical trappings, and only feel its stinging necessity when I think of the needs of my daughter.
Yet, of course, I too want the expected things of life. I sit between two worlds, the going forward in any direction with those intentions in mind and the awareness of the steps to take.
It is actually in some ways an exhilarating thing, as I can say, the old flame must see something that I may not see, or fail to acknowledge as truly valuable.
The good thing is that I am not standing still, and I am not putting my emotional self into a tailspin wondering about what others think.
As a learning device, I see the chance for bringing forth in myself a way of seeing what I do and where I go next, and I thank those coming forward to prepare me for my journey. I own it and the point is to feel self satisfaction within whatever it is and will be.
Time to process some information that I heard today from an old flame. He made some amazing decisions that should have been the kind of decisions made by my ex-husband and I. I dislike comparing these two people, and I am embarrassed to do so, but it is in my thoughts, nagging at me because of how things turned out. I just marvel at these two men, they are from completely different backgrounds. Yet the story that should be told of both has turned out the opposite. But when I peel back the layers, this isn't actually about my ex at all, or the old flame, this is about how I feel about myself.
When I see where this person is in his life, even though we are meeting again for reasons I am not always comfortable about and am struggling with, he and I have been placed together again for definite growth on my part.
Today we had a great time, just talking and driving around looking at houses and discussing architectural taste and styles. This is something I have always liked to do, but never really got anyone to do with me. He kept saying that he wished that he had had his camera with him, a number of things we both observed deserved to be captured.
The comparison also comes up first because my mother made a comment tonight about my ex that just continues to perpetuate what always kept things difficult (it seemed) to me. I tried to diffuse her, but only managed to add gasoline when I thought it was water. She may never be in any other mental space where my ex is concerned, and I just have to accept that.
What has surprised me is myself. The old flame is looking at the house, at me, at everything around and about me, with eyes that have advanced twenty something odd years since we were an item. I wonder about those eyes, do they judge fairly? Or no, I should say, how do those eyes make me feel about myself? Because really, I cannot assume to get into his thoughts, and can only reflect my own onto him.
I wish that I had the resources to do the things in my parents home that need to be done. I wish that I had my own wealth that seemed the easy and effortless type, where I take it completely for granted that everything I have is just a reflection of my taste and style.
For a moment, that sat heavily with me.
I am devoid of much physical trappings, and only feel its stinging necessity when I think of the needs of my daughter.
Yet, of course, I too want the expected things of life. I sit between two worlds, the going forward in any direction with those intentions in mind and the awareness of the steps to take.
It is actually in some ways an exhilarating thing, as I can say, the old flame must see something that I may not see, or fail to acknowledge as truly valuable.
The good thing is that I am not standing still, and I am not putting my emotional self into a tailspin wondering about what others think.
As a learning device, I see the chance for bringing forth in myself a way of seeing what I do and where I go next, and I thank those coming forward to prepare me for my journey. I own it and the point is to feel self satisfaction within whatever it is and will be.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The concept of money
I am not the only person in the world focused on money and concerned about it. But today, when yet again I was faced with a purchasing decision, I realised that I should look at my issue differently. Instead of going into a tailspin and complaining in my mind for the thousandth time about my salary and other past decisions, I looked at the matter in the present and the future. In the present by saying, what has been my situation? That question brought up what I am facing squarely,instead of what I have been facing in the near distant past, and then I knew that it shall not always be so.
Then I looked at the idea of life as an adventure, and I actually let the perceived problem go. It may not change the outcome for tomorrow, but what it did do was get me out of the place that I usually venture, which is worry, doubt and blame, and they do not help me one bit.
This way of thinking also did something else that was unexpected, and that was, confronting anxiety head on, knowing that this is not the way that it shall always be, and focusing instead on better.
I am not the only person in the world focused on money and concerned about it. But today, when yet again I was faced with a purchasing decision, I realised that I should look at my issue differently. Instead of going into a tailspin and complaining in my mind for the thousandth time about my salary and other past decisions, I looked at the matter in the present and the future. In the present by saying, what has been my situation? That question brought up what I am facing squarely,instead of what I have been facing in the near distant past, and then I knew that it shall not always be so.
Then I looked at the idea of life as an adventure, and I actually let the perceived problem go. It may not change the outcome for tomorrow, but what it did do was get me out of the place that I usually venture, which is worry, doubt and blame, and they do not help me one bit.
This way of thinking also did something else that was unexpected, and that was, confronting anxiety head on, knowing that this is not the way that it shall always be, and focusing instead on better.
Monday, April 5, 2010
On another note
Although things are better with my ex-husband,I find sometimes that I feel the obvious distance between us that divorce has caused. I know that I am made aware of it. It is something that I must simply work through.
We went out with our little one this afternoon, and I felt the old family closeness though, and it made me think again of the proposition that he has put to me.
You never know what life will throw at you, what you do know is that the tables can literally turn at the most unexpected moment sometimes, and a belief system can be tested and proven obsolete.
Amidst all of the challenging feelings that are coming up for me, I have concluded that feeling good about my decisions is what I need to do.
It is odd how much I focus on what the other person wants and believes, and if they tell a good story, a logical story, I am inclined to say that they deserve a listening. Yet, I too have a story, and this year, when things have wrung false, or I have felt awkward about circumstances, I have stood my ground. I am not easily swayed as I may sometimes think.
When I post again, I shall do so to discuss my plans, centring around my desires and needs.
Although things are better with my ex-husband,I find sometimes that I feel the obvious distance between us that divorce has caused. I know that I am made aware of it. It is something that I must simply work through.
We went out with our little one this afternoon, and I felt the old family closeness though, and it made me think again of the proposition that he has put to me.
You never know what life will throw at you, what you do know is that the tables can literally turn at the most unexpected moment sometimes, and a belief system can be tested and proven obsolete.
Amidst all of the challenging feelings that are coming up for me, I have concluded that feeling good about my decisions is what I need to do.
It is odd how much I focus on what the other person wants and believes, and if they tell a good story, a logical story, I am inclined to say that they deserve a listening. Yet, I too have a story, and this year, when things have wrung false, or I have felt awkward about circumstances, I have stood my ground. I am not easily swayed as I may sometimes think.
When I post again, I shall do so to discuss my plans, centring around my desires and needs.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
What is love?
Is it loneliness? Is it the desire for something new? I am not sure, but what I do know is that I must stop playing with this any further. Having this man back in my life feels wonderful, but it simply isn't appropriate.
We are so familiar with each other. The conversation moves so nicely, the memories, the jokes, the questions and answers about our present and future, all make this even worse.
I do not even think that this is a moral issue, but a practical one. Women go through this sort of thing all the time, your told his sob story and before you know it, you are the 'other woman.' How did it happen? You didn't see it coming quite so fast did you?God, to be a cliche! Ugh!
I don't want that role. I love this person, and I told him that I care about him enough to want to make sure that we'll be better off if we just remain friendly.
But I didn't do that, did I? I took it, and he took it to another place. Sure it wasn't very far, but it was far enough, because I found it all confusing. On the one hand, my desire to keep it neutral and then my curiosity to see what would happen next? This contradictory nature cannot survive in one place, or one person. Why am I doing this?
The old memories of us were so close to the surface, and his feelings were like old times. But we are older and everything is different now. What am I doing? I obviously cannot let this go on, and I know I have to just cut it off completely. We'll just have to live on memories until things change (if they ever change) for him.
Is it loneliness? Is it the desire for something new? I am not sure, but what I do know is that I must stop playing with this any further. Having this man back in my life feels wonderful, but it simply isn't appropriate.
We are so familiar with each other. The conversation moves so nicely, the memories, the jokes, the questions and answers about our present and future, all make this even worse.
I do not even think that this is a moral issue, but a practical one. Women go through this sort of thing all the time, your told his sob story and before you know it, you are the 'other woman.' How did it happen? You didn't see it coming quite so fast did you?God, to be a cliche! Ugh!
I don't want that role. I love this person, and I told him that I care about him enough to want to make sure that we'll be better off if we just remain friendly.
But I didn't do that, did I? I took it, and he took it to another place. Sure it wasn't very far, but it was far enough, because I found it all confusing. On the one hand, my desire to keep it neutral and then my curiosity to see what would happen next? This contradictory nature cannot survive in one place, or one person. Why am I doing this?
The old memories of us were so close to the surface, and his feelings were like old times. But we are older and everything is different now. What am I doing? I obviously cannot let this go on, and I know I have to just cut it off completely. We'll just have to live on memories until things change (if they ever change) for him.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Flomoxed and flabbergasted make good bedfellows
I have found that I take some time to come to some decisions in my life, and this actually concerns me. I am not spontaneous with some things that have mattered to me, like should I marry this person, should I have a child, should I invest this money?
Now, that may seem quite reasonable. Those are big questions. But tonight these past decisions have come to the forefront because yet again, I am observing myself taking my time to think out one or two issues that are making me analyse the pros and cons of my situation.
In some ways, the answer is already formed when you take a long time to decide on a matter. In a way, you are just hoping for different evidence to change your thinking.
For me, I want to be balance. But really, what is that?I claim that I want to be fair minded, but what I may really want is to feel that I have taken the moral high road, or that my ego has been nourished. I know that I am being a bit hard on myself by saying that. But I really want to investigate my way of seeing things.
I am at a point in my life where some of my experiences are repeating themselves and beginning to seem a bit bizarre even to me. The same people factoring, similar issues coming up. I thought that I had dealt with this years ago and moved on? So why is this particular thing back again? What is to be learnt this time? Or am I just over thinking?
I conclude that my feelings are feelers to tell me what and where I need to go. I take time because I feel things, and being settled with my decision matters to me. The things I mentioned have been big, and so,I may be older, but my experiences are not necessarily that of a veteran at emotional life. There are things I wonder about and just do not feel knowledgeable about, but in a way too, that is dis-ingenuous, because no one knows, we all are just faking it. So, I'll venture and say, hey, I am growing stronger, taking up positions that make me feel that I am moving in uncharted territory and this may not mean winning, but it does mean living, and you know what, it's my life.
Now, that may seem quite reasonable. Those are big questions. But tonight these past decisions have come to the forefront because yet again, I am observing myself taking my time to think out one or two issues that are making me analyse the pros and cons of my situation.
In some ways, the answer is already formed when you take a long time to decide on a matter. In a way, you are just hoping for different evidence to change your thinking.
For me, I want to be balance. But really, what is that?I claim that I want to be fair minded, but what I may really want is to feel that I have taken the moral high road, or that my ego has been nourished. I know that I am being a bit hard on myself by saying that. But I really want to investigate my way of seeing things.
I am at a point in my life where some of my experiences are repeating themselves and beginning to seem a bit bizarre even to me. The same people factoring, similar issues coming up. I thought that I had dealt with this years ago and moved on? So why is this particular thing back again? What is to be learnt this time? Or am I just over thinking?
I conclude that my feelings are feelers to tell me what and where I need to go. I take time because I feel things, and being settled with my decision matters to me. The things I mentioned have been big, and so,I may be older, but my experiences are not necessarily that of a veteran at emotional life. There are things I wonder about and just do not feel knowledgeable about, but in a way too, that is dis-ingenuous, because no one knows, we all are just faking it. So, I'll venture and say, hey, I am growing stronger, taking up positions that make me feel that I am moving in uncharted territory and this may not mean winning, but it does mean living, and you know what, it's my life.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
new directions
As I read over my post, I realised that I did not write about the latest circumstances with my ex-husband. We went to court and we mutually decided to end the matter.
This is a big step. We are communicating better, and I feel that with continued work, we can form a much better relationship for our child's sake and for our own.
As I read over my post, I realised that I did not write about the latest circumstances with my ex-husband. We went to court and we mutually decided to end the matter.
This is a big step. We are communicating better, and I feel that with continued work, we can form a much better relationship for our child's sake and for our own.
Getting out of the zone
Last night an old friend and I went to visit some friends of his, and I was immediately struck by the vast difference in life of some people,in regard to my little world. Because I am starting over, I am particularly observant right now of what different people in other walks of life are about.
I saw it instantly in my travelling, but now I am seeing it at home.
I felt a bit out of my element when I met a couple who have been all over the world. They have no children, and they have a large art collection. Listening to them talk about the work and the places they have gone to, I couldn't help wonder about my own life. I love seeing new places, and I have not done this enough.
But the bigger picture has to do with the old friend. When we left and went to see the next person, he was anxious to show us his family and pictures from a recently attended wedding where he was best man. Again, I walked into a home that was carefully decorated, showing the personality of the family. As i have always said, people want the same comforts that they see everywhere else, the flat screen television, the computer, the DVD collection, to have an entertainment area in their homes. My friend and I kept looking at each other and smiling, because he knew that for both homes, I was looking at the shifts of perspective and the things that both sets of people felt important to them.
This is an interesting time for me, because this old friend coming back into my life now, it feels like I am just picking up where we left off. it is so easy, so comfortable, and I am not certain why this is the case at this time. I have said that I want a lasting love in my life, I have no idea whether this may be it? What I do know however is that there is a certain sense of the delicious, the explicit in even thinking about him in this way. He comes with his own complications, and I am fully aware of them. We are no longer teenagers, and I cannot play with him as I did then. This time around I feel much the way he says he feels, so playing does not come into the matter now. It would be wonderful....but the timing...the timing is maddening...I have to say no, but I don't want to.
Last night an old friend and I went to visit some friends of his, and I was immediately struck by the vast difference in life of some people,in regard to my little world. Because I am starting over, I am particularly observant right now of what different people in other walks of life are about.
I saw it instantly in my travelling, but now I am seeing it at home.
I felt a bit out of my element when I met a couple who have been all over the world. They have no children, and they have a large art collection. Listening to them talk about the work and the places they have gone to, I couldn't help wonder about my own life. I love seeing new places, and I have not done this enough.
But the bigger picture has to do with the old friend. When we left and went to see the next person, he was anxious to show us his family and pictures from a recently attended wedding where he was best man. Again, I walked into a home that was carefully decorated, showing the personality of the family. As i have always said, people want the same comforts that they see everywhere else, the flat screen television, the computer, the DVD collection, to have an entertainment area in their homes. My friend and I kept looking at each other and smiling, because he knew that for both homes, I was looking at the shifts of perspective and the things that both sets of people felt important to them.
This is an interesting time for me, because this old friend coming back into my life now, it feels like I am just picking up where we left off. it is so easy, so comfortable, and I am not certain why this is the case at this time. I have said that I want a lasting love in my life, I have no idea whether this may be it? What I do know however is that there is a certain sense of the delicious, the explicit in even thinking about him in this way. He comes with his own complications, and I am fully aware of them. We are no longer teenagers, and I cannot play with him as I did then. This time around I feel much the way he says he feels, so playing does not come into the matter now. It would be wonderful....but the timing...the timing is maddening...I have to say no, but I don't want to.
Friday, February 26, 2010
My little one said to me yesterday, Mummy, I can be whatever I want. When I heard this, I smiled. I also thought to myself, I learn so much from this little person. You hear this statement all the time, but, when you get older you wonder whether you can really say it, or even believe it.
The words are powerful when you think about it. They allow you to live in the moment and not allow anyone to tell you what they think it means.
These words mean a great deal today, because I finally got the money that I was waiting on since September last year. The money was taxed, so, the little lee-way I thought I would have with some of the money...investing some of it, and paying off debts shall now possibly be swallowed up by debt repayments.
This was not how I wanted this to go.However there are messages in this experience that I appreciate.
This job, with this salary was one that looks really great on paper. However, in its safeness, it prooves to me that there is actually no such thing. In some way, you pay for the experiences.
What I have is not really a job. The sky is the limit for me.
I can do whatever I want.
The words are powerful when you think about it. They allow you to live in the moment and not allow anyone to tell you what they think it means.
These words mean a great deal today, because I finally got the money that I was waiting on since September last year. The money was taxed, so, the little lee-way I thought I would have with some of the money...investing some of it, and paying off debts shall now possibly be swallowed up by debt repayments.
This was not how I wanted this to go.However there are messages in this experience that I appreciate.
This job, with this salary was one that looks really great on paper. However, in its safeness, it prooves to me that there is actually no such thing. In some way, you pay for the experiences.
What I have is not really a job. The sky is the limit for me.
I can do whatever I want.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I have been looking at a sitcom on U-Tube lately called "The Game'. To my surprise I find it funny and very poignant too. At the moment, after the day I had yesterday, I am telling myelf again, and this time, I hope that it is really finally learnt...what I want to accomplish with my ex-husband is hopeless. We cannot communicate. Going out with him, thinking that it helps our child may be great on paper, but he has an agenda that does not include being nicer to me. He is only acting well because he still wants to manipulate me, and as of yesterday, he was right. I was falling for all of the niceness, when very easily out came the old him the moment that he could not get what he wanted.
I did manage to get something out of this experience though. I was able to come to terms with this much faster than ever before, and I concluded that what was achieved, I would live with and be satisfied for whatever it was worth.
I did manage to get something out of this experience though. I was able to come to terms with this much faster than ever before, and I concluded that what was achieved, I would live with and be satisfied for whatever it was worth.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Of late my ex-husband and I have been getting along better. Part of the reason is because he thinks that after all of this time, he can re-introduce the concept that helped push us to divorce in the first place.Only now, he thinks that I am in a better place to listen and aquiesce in some way.
I have been feeling a sense of relief for this new development. But naturally I knew that this was also a shoe drop situation.
So today he called me all chummy, wummy, and then instantly got into his selling points.
I am grateful for all that he said because as I listened to him,more and more it became clear to me that I have come a very long way.
He has his vision and I have mine, and I am willing to listen to his opinion, knowing that my plans are also very relevant to me.
The old me would have possibly felt that my own views seemed too insurmountable and that he might know better, or have a stronger plan. I do not believe this anymore, and shaking off those old chains feels excilerating.
I have been feeling a sense of relief for this new development. But naturally I knew that this was also a shoe drop situation.
So today he called me all chummy, wummy, and then instantly got into his selling points.
I am grateful for all that he said because as I listened to him,more and more it became clear to me that I have come a very long way.
He has his vision and I have mine, and I am willing to listen to his opinion, knowing that my plans are also very relevant to me.
The old me would have possibly felt that my own views seemed too insurmountable and that he might know better, or have a stronger plan. I do not believe this anymore, and shaking off those old chains feels excilerating.
Monday, February 15, 2010
I have not posted in sometime.But today I decided to change that. It is Carnival Monday and I did another presentation/performance this year. I was very satisfied with the experience and I plan to do more next year.
I can see much scope with what I am doing, and I am also working on a body of fantasy embroidery that I am enjoying immensely.
So much has taken up my time for the last few months. I find that I now go to my diary and work out my feelings, one way or the other. I allow myself to think dramatically in every direction, feeling out what possibilities make me feel. I am now able to look at things that can cause anxiety, with an understanding that it is only a moment and NOT my life or greater experience. I took quite some time to get to this place.
I can see much scope with what I am doing, and I am also working on a body of fantasy embroidery that I am enjoying immensely.
So much has taken up my time for the last few months. I find that I now go to my diary and work out my feelings, one way or the other. I allow myself to think dramatically in every direction, feeling out what possibilities make me feel. I am now able to look at things that can cause anxiety, with an understanding that it is only a moment and NOT my life or greater experience. I took quite some time to get to this place.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
getting the lessons
Sometimes it takes something unusual to set you straight. I had thought that I had been acting appropriately under the circumstances. But today, when three people had the same strong feeling about someone close to me, I got very concerned, as I do not believe in coincidences.
Today, I got the lesson that although most times it may be impossible to change outcomes,and, it is so easy to not want to put yourself out for fear of hurts...life is not about protecting yourself from everything. You never can really protect yourself from every hurt.
I had to confront the possibility that things could change in an instant for me, and it made me anxious and sad and it also did something else, it made me feel very clear about what matters. So I did the only thing that I could do, I told him what I'd seen and heard and then I said how I felt.
I didn't say it for dramatic effect, or for him to like me... and I just put myself out there, saying what is true, because I felt it today when life suddenly speeded up and reminded me of how precious it is.
Today, I got the lesson that although most times it may be impossible to change outcomes,and, it is so easy to not want to put yourself out for fear of hurts...life is not about protecting yourself from everything. You never can really protect yourself from every hurt.
I had to confront the possibility that things could change in an instant for me, and it made me anxious and sad and it also did something else, it made me feel very clear about what matters. So I did the only thing that I could do, I told him what I'd seen and heard and then I said how I felt.
I didn't say it for dramatic effect, or for him to like me... and I just put myself out there, saying what is true, because I felt it today when life suddenly speeded up and reminded me of how precious it is.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010 reasons
It occured to me today that this date marks the start of another decade. Time seems to have raced by, so I am now going to make an earnest list of things that I really MUST do from now until 2020 at the very least-:
1.Swim naked in a pool and in the ocean.
2. Spend a weekend at a beautiful beach resort.
3.Have a candle-light dinner on the beach.
4. Have a long water massage under a waterfall.
5. Visit every country that I really want to visit...Japan, Portugal,Spain,Italy, Switzerland,Virgin Gorda,Argentina, Belize, Hawaii, Australia, Kenya.
6.Visit Tobago.
7.Visit the island chain particularly Cuba.
8. Spend a weekend and longer at a small, private Greek house near the ocean.
9.Enjoy fresh flowers around me in a vase.
10. Spend some time in a Moroccan house and experience the whole culinary splendour of Morocco.
I'll keep making this list as the thoughts come to me.
It occured to me today that this date marks the start of another decade. Time seems to have raced by, so I am now going to make an earnest list of things that I really MUST do from now until 2020 at the very least-:
1.Swim naked in a pool and in the ocean.
2. Spend a weekend at a beautiful beach resort.
3.Have a candle-light dinner on the beach.
4. Have a long water massage under a waterfall.
5. Visit every country that I really want to visit...Japan, Portugal,Spain,Italy, Switzerland,Virgin Gorda,Argentina, Belize, Hawaii, Australia, Kenya.
6.Visit Tobago.
7.Visit the island chain particularly Cuba.
8. Spend a weekend and longer at a small, private Greek house near the ocean.
9.Enjoy fresh flowers around me in a vase.
10. Spend some time in a Moroccan house and experience the whole culinary splendour of Morocco.
I'll keep making this list as the thoughts come to me.
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