breathe out

Today before I write, I have to breathe out. The letter stating divorce came today. It was not a formal letter, it was just my husband saying that our plans are such that I should know that this is the expected outcome. What I do not understand is why he hasn't done anything about it as yet? he keeps saying that it is because of our daughter. But this isn't the case? He has access to her, and I am not getting up in arms about his mother taking care of her while I am here.
He is determined, as though his life depends on it, to divorce. His reasoning is so bizzare that I have had dificulty believing it. He sites my mother's involvement in our lives and my not having our child in Canada. Whenever I hear his reasons, I cringe at how absurd and childish they sound.
So, you want a divorce, you still love me, and you will never keep me from my child, oh, and o, yes, you will always take care of her.

This sounds like someone trying to run away from their life!
Of cause you'll always take financial care of her, the law will insist!
I am mad at him because I felt this way before we had a baby. But no, he felt everything was fine! Then when we did have her, I saw the importance of working at what we had.
So yes, I am very mad at him for deciding this now.
I feel cheated and let down and frankly, I hate what he is doing now.

I have left my child, left a good job and my home and he provides nothing, not a thing.

I am glad to come to this diary today, to be able to see on this electronic screen, what I have to do.

All of the time over the last year, I have hoped that he would somehow see that his decision is not good for us. But he has decided, and he will not change his mind.

The fault has been mine. I wanted to work it out. I can see that divorce isn't good for a child. I can see that being in a new country won't change the issues that he claims are a problem? But he is determined to do this.



Ok,
I have to move forward now. What am I going to do?
DO I stay in Canada, or do I get my life on track as it was before all of this became clear? Let me look at this reasonably.

I was awarded a scholarship to study in Italy and postponed it. That course is one year long.
I also applied to a school in France, where the semester is flexible. That programme is several months long.
I have to honor my being in Canada for a little under two years or I shall lose my residency.
What should I do?

I am in Canada now and I have been looking for a job for the last two months. I have to return home to see about my pension money that will help me afford to live with my child in Canada.
My husband has not been able to save a cent since I have been here, so next year, I am unlikely to see any financial support for our daughter, despite all that he is saying to me.

I will be a divorced, immigrant with a child under two years of age.

WAW!

I am not the first to have this experience. What are my odds, and what are my advantages?

If I go home and stay until the papers come through for our daughter, then my mother in law can choose to return to Canada with us, or I can ask her to come up when I have a place to stay.
Now, returning with my daughter and having no job, puts me at odds with her care, so leaving her with my in-law is not a bad idea. It is only that it is hard to do, anyway you look at it. I am now doing it from the standpoint of being single and having to work and look after my child alone. I will have to look at that reality sooner or later anyway, because my husband is determined to proceed as he is, so I cannot rely on him at all.

The advantage is that I am resourceful, I am positive, I am creative and my family have been very supportive here.

I feel like crying.

This was not supposed to go like this! I still love my husband, I feel so hurt!

I am here and I am trying to make the best of the situation, and everything I am doing is a compromise. This Canada thing was his dream. Even having a child was his dream.
How am I going to get past being so emotional?
When are things going to get better for me?