Messages and Readings for the week

From Pema Chodron
~ excerpts and opinions from her book, The Places that Scare You

Pose a series of questions to yourself the next time a surge of negative emotions sends you running for the escape hatch. Think about the outer situation - what just happened to provoke your anger or fear.
"Then ask yourself, what feelings are brought up by those feelings of fear or anger."
If you sit and feel those emotions, you might find behind them some sadness or even fear.
Next, ask youself, "What is your strategy?" WHat habits do you use to move away from the rawness of your feelings that you really do not want to feel.

You need to know that it is alright to rail against the feelings you feel. Explore the ugly feelings, let them hang out.

Use this time to OBSERVE Yourself.

If you hate the rage, if you feel you have to replace it with something else, there's always some shame or guilt involved,"Chodron says, "Insight comes out of being kind to yourself, not out of saying that you're broken and you need to be fixed, changed, made over. If you're willing to stay with your neurosis - not act it out, not repress it, not fix it - then your own wisdom guide will come forth.

If you stay and discover the things in yourself that you're always run from, you begin to have some tenderness for your own situation. This complete friendship with yourself is the core of any spiritual growth.

You must also say to yourself that, "Am I going to work on staying with the feelings? Or am I going to waste time strengthening strategies that keep me afraid. my heart and my mind closed."

The Places That Scare You is not a one way ticket to paradise. It is not saying that bad things are never going to touch your life. It is instead knowing that it is NOT the bad things that become the problem, but HOW you choose to DEAL with responding to the bad things that happen in your life.
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The 4 Agreements
~ don Miguel Ruiz

The writer states that the drama and suffering in our lives is self inflicted. What we need to do, is to learn to live another way.
The agreements are-:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Do not take anything personally.
3. Do not make assumptions about others.
4. Always do your best.
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The final article was about Reconnecting in your relationships

Work on POSITIVE FLOODING

Positive flooding is literally what it sounds like. It is basically telling your partner positive things over a period of time.
Why do this? Because ENERGY FOLLOWS ATTENTION.

The second principle is that problems cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness at which they were created. We form our ideas about relationships in our connection to our parents, and when our needs are not met, we cry, sulk or even rebel. We experience what is called a wound, and we create a defense against being wounded again, such as withdrawing emotionally or escalating our demands.
When we are ready for adult commitment, more often than not, our unconscious mind selects someone who has positive and negative traits similar to those of our parents, in order to have another chance to heal ourselves. Often though, we end up reliving the patterns of hurt.
Although it is not possible to be everything for your partner, knowing the role your backgrounds play in the relationship helps you to move from blame to assistance without feeling bombarded.

INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE

1. Mirroring
2. Validating
3. Empathizing

Mirroring suggests that you use what your partner says to communicate your feelings.

Validating means not being negative about what your partner is saying to you that may feel like something to argue about. You do not have to agree. You just have to make your partner aware that you heard what they are saying.

Empathizing then suggests that you understand where your partner stands in comparison to yourself.

These exercises are all about listening to the other person and acknowledging that that person has been heard.
You do not give up your own thoughts and feelings to do this though. This is done so that your partner sees and knows that you are putting an effort out to communicate positively with them.

REMEMBER: A relationship CANNOT remain the same when one of you has changed.