realisations

Today we got the sad news that my uncle's father has died. He left a very emotionally scarred family behind. He left their mother when they were little, and he did manage however to make his sons better fathers because of the kind of parent he was. Even at the end, their relationship with him was difficult. This death makes you wonder about the way that some people choose to live.

Meanwhile in my own life, my husband wrote me a much better letter.....that seems to be his pattern, blow up, think, write a better letter. He called tonight to express his condolences and we got into an argument about the immigration issue AGAIN!
He concludes that I should not apply for our child until I get a job. He is committed to this way of thinking, and I have realised tonight that he shall never think differently. I cannot get through to him that one does not necessarily beget the other.

I spent today finally getting into a routine that I like. But I shall not discuss it until it really takes hold more strongly. I did some research today as well, into some ideas for one of the shows that I want to do. I'll make the work and put it down until I find avenues to show it. I most likely shall show online and start a paypal account with it. When our teacher gives us more information about actually hosting our site, then I shall feel better able to do it. I can gradually build the idea as the work collects and I can actually photograph things in a good environment.

I realise that when I talk about my work, I can actually shrug off all of the nonsence that threatens to uproot me, and instead focus on creating new ideas. I borrowed a really good graphic novel from Goldenhawk Park. The artist is a female Isreali cartoonist and her drawings are so sensitive and quirky. I liked it very much. I have been looking at these types of stories lately because I am interested in doing a project. But mine will require some photography of the everyday and interiors of houses, images from television and movies and maybe even some night vision imagery. I have written some of the script already and plan to do much more in the coming months. I have no idea how long it shall take, but I plan to just work on it when I can.

Maybe, this second death can also teach me something about my own relationship. So much has been said, and so many times I speak or write to him and get upset. Tonight I realised that I am wasting time, treading the same water.
What is the point of all of this. Nothing changes.
I was looking at some of the mundain things of life today. Children getting out of a car, parents walking around the mall, elderly gentlemen talking, an old, ill lady in a wheelchair...sometimes I imagine that all of us were impatient to come to the Earth plain, confident that we would make a difference. Then once here, our intentions gave way to the illusions of life and we found ourselves hopelessly mired in doubt and fear and judgement and bitterness.

What am I doing? How much of my life do i intend on spending in a wrangle with someone who sees the way my husband chooses to see?

I am becoming better friends with myself every day, and what I feel matters.

Today i read in that same comic book about a child waking up on their birthday to see their room changed to a place of celebration, baloons and guifts at their bed.
I am so happy and lucky to be able to cast my mind foreward to the parent I want to be, while waiting to hold her in my arms again.

If only for moments at a time, i can forget the foolishness that we can make this wonderful world to be.