My friend Stephen just spoke very seriously with me about what is happening with my husband and I. It was so helpful. He mentioned that the 50/50 partnership is so important, and that my husband behaves like a very immature, fearful man, and my parents don't help the matter.
My uncle just returned from the islands, after the funeral of his father, and he told me that my husband is looking very good, very toned and very relaxed! Would you believe that that annoyed me a bit. It sounded as though he's having a really wonderful time with me out of sight. As opposed to me, who feels anxious about my returning and what and how I am going to implement all that I have set out to do.I do want him to be feeling good about himself, but it was just somehow a bit irksome to hear.
As I have been doing all that I can to pull back from thinking too much about returning and the implications involved, I have to admit that it has helped. The whole thing is stressful enough.
I have had some dips of depression, but the post that I wrote before has helped tremendously.
I sometimes feel like I just do not have the answers to my issues. I am weary and wary at once. I feel so emotional about the decisions that I stear transfixed into space, trying to come to terms with how to get past being transfixed!
I wonder whether I can handle the world and the day to day concerns within it. i feel like an alien with too much sensitivity. I want to do whatever is 'right' but in my instance, what does that mean?
I am going into the unknown when I return and part of me doesn't want to have to deal with it at all. But I know that I have to deal with it. It is there. I have a daughter who deserves her positive, wonderful mummy, not a basketcase.
So I have to just suck it up and know that whatever the outcome, it shall not be forever and things do and will get better.
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