tantalizing

A years end always feels that way because it holds so much promise. It also whispers changethat inevitably includes loss. Yet, so early in the game we just want to ignore pain and focus on pleasure. My new year begins right now. I am excited to see many projetcs actually finish and have them in my hands.

fantasyreality

Keep opening your heart. First they will think you are naive and crazy. Then they’ll think you are a liar. Then they’ll suspect you to be practicing voodoo, as if their limiting ideas of voodoo being ‘wrong’ or 'evil’ are true. Then they’ll call you a whore and assume you to be placing spells. Rapid manifestation from opening your heart will come with all sorts of judgements about you. AND NONE OF THEM WILL BE TRUE. Good things magically arrive to those who do the work to open up their hearts. There is no potion, spell, or craft that can outshine true love. Because the greatest form of untapped magic is love, the highest frequency on the planet. And it is the embodiment of this frequency that makes you radiant, magnetic, and unbelievably unstoppable. India Ame’ye, Author, The Melody of Love, “Om” Wonderfuk That word was not expected, but I decided to keep it.

Doing what you want to do

Not having consistency in everything that you work at can make you think that your not really working, and your not really moving forward. However I no longer think that way. Being more strategic this year I have experienced a greater awareness and confidence by focusing differently. I am most satisfied by knowing that putting one foot in front of the other and actually acknowledging that it is a step and not being overtly ctitical of the effort has been very good. Another thing has been looking at that belief that I have had forever. The one that expects that no matter how hard I try things will not work out and that I am fooling myself...I have been able to finally dismantle that. That has been gigantic for me. I did it by being able to state not only'so what'but also to know that even if 'so what' produces the answer of so what being still on the edge of the old thoughtforms, I can now know that making mistakes are not so damn terrifying that I can't be ok. Mistakes get made anyway. This has been about how I see myself. How much I appreciate myself,how much I am my own friend...thoughts like that. I am such a cheering squad for others and have not been so much for myself, and I am slowly but surely coming around to how much more I can achieve with the mindset that I am creating. I read many years ago, enlightenment does not mean that your not going to feel pain. It means that you understand that it exists and that you can travel through it and be ok. The next thing, an offshoot of all of this is the ability to look again at things that otherwise I might have shrugged off in the past. It is like I can see more of the chessboard.

why not

I spend a great deal of time considering all sorts of issues that can go wrong. I deduce outcomes based on past experiences. So recently I was very much in my head doing that when I decided that why not do this with my best thoughts. Why not enjoy living in a completely made up scenario that is my hope and wish? This made me laugh and definetly made me see that if I could spend so much time thinking one way, I can do the same thinking the other way.

Virtual world

I have commiserated for several years now how to move forward with a business plan that to me was all over the place. I had so many stops and starts, doubts, fears and absolute dis-illusion that I am impressed with myself that I am still at it. Today we are on orange alert weather watch, so the day is one where spending real time with self is the only thing to do and the most worthy thing at that. I am always on the look out for clues toward my goal. Todayone came in the calmest way possible. I was sitting in the lotus position thinking about an assignment I am setting out to do in about twelve to fifteen days. In considering how I am going to put it together, I began to think about the ogange alert and having to do things virtually. I considered also, what do I have at my disposal? What can I do now? I can see. I visiualize strongly and I can be very steady. I have also written many times that when I feel confident I would like it to stay with me for a very long time. I think that I finally know how to handle that. It means when I have anxious moments that I notice that I am feeling that way and that I am NOT my anxiety. These feelings are so satisfying.

gratitude tonic

Sometimes the nature of circumstances are such that having an open mind and patience can produce certain conclusions you were looking for. I had to go looking for something from 2017 for someone who had an enquiry. In so doing I found a lot of old papers, diaries and books. As I did so, I was going down memory lane, particularly when I found a photograph of myself I hadn't seen in an age. I thought, what would my younger self think if I came across myself now? I surprised myself with my answer. I found myself answering that I have not chosen the beaten path that's for sure.That opened up a floodgate of unexpectidly happy feelings within me. I saw that the journey is the point. I saw all of the ideas I have had and some of the projects I have worked on, and I just saw myself getting more done and enjoying even more of the process of making and publishing and that was so heady to me. I gave thanks over and over again to see that nothing has been in vein.

Covid happened

After all of the conscious effort to do whatever I could to NOT get Covid, it happened. My mother was invited and instrumental in a celebration for a sixty year retirement. When she got home that evening she was already not feeling well. A few days went by before I caught what she thought was a cold that she was experiencing. I had a headache, literally 'body' music which is an absolute aching feeling all over. It made me also feel a little nausuous, and I developed a cold where the mucus was suddenly in my throat every time I coughed. A few days have passed, and every day I feel a bit better. I really got upset knowing that this happened. I wanted to have been able to say that I never got it. However, I began to consider all of the people I know who have experienced it and when I think that even the late Queen Elizabeth the II got it, it tells me that perspective is everything. An airborn contagious disease is no regarder of amnyone period.

would I know

The way that circumstances insued this evening, I saw an aspect of myself that I am now musing on and also working on in myself. I come from parents who always seemed confident,all knowing and until adulthood,never seemed to me to make mistakes. This afternoon I mis-interpreted what was said in a meeting for today and thought that I did not have to show up. I was called and I was able to explain my understanding of what was said at the meeting. I was mortified that I had come to my conclusion and had no other thought about it being possibly different. I get really triggered when I make an error. I think that I can find myself melting down, embarassed. I get right back to childhood wondering who thinks I am stupid.So naturally I spent some time just feeling all of those icky, stomach flipping emotions. It took a few minutes for me to talk myself off of the ledge. I had erred, but not so pathetically that anythings could not be fixed by it. I wasn't an idiot, addled brained, hopeless...I told myself. As I graadually shifted my focus and my emotions, I thought about my mood. Prior to the phone call, I had been feeling so happy about having today off, as next week I felt that I would be taking up the usual ruitine and figuring out how I was managing everything I would have to do. So when the call came that I did not expect I was ready to act , to solve the issue. Yet, I felt such a disappointment in myself. I was divided. On the one hand, I was flled with a sense of absolute let down to others on the one hand and a distinct need to get my mind right about how much I would punish myself for the misunderstanding. I wa taken aback by how much I swiftly slipped into feeling bad. However, it was the very fact that was telling and helpful in the end, as I saw that I was going over the top with my actions. The truth as is proverbially stated, is always in the middle. I had the chance to experience opposing emotions and to act on them and most of all, to come out of it on the other side, secure in the knowledge that these things happen, yes, I can believe the worst and the worst can and does happen...but ultimately, it is the fight within and the desire to persevere that matters most.

Every year I consider leaving my job. I think about it because of the salary. However this year I did some research and further thinking about it. I have great flexibility there. I have the time to do other things, and it is that fact that makes it clear that all I need do is to have some other paying consistant work. My other jobs are too sporadic after all. So from here on out I shall be posting about these 'other' 'consistant' forms of salary.

A colleague called me two weeks ago. She delivered some news to me where she was stunned that I had not received the new title that someone else we know now has. Over the next few days I heard from the person themselves that she had been with the department for eighteen years, four years longer than I, and seniority is many times the reason for such advancement. My friend and colleague is someone I like immensely. Yet, more and more I am a little alarmed by the way she imparts opinions about our experiences at the job. For such a young, bright person, she is extremely negative and bitter. She makes some leaps of judgement about peoples' successes. So much so that although I may feel the same way about why someone may 'get' ahead as opposed to my efforts, I equally know when I unpeel the layers, that I would not choose their actions to achieve their results. I have told my friend this. We live in a tiny country. We are all horrifically over qualified for most of the jobs we can get, and no one leaves their job just like that. The more academic, the more education....oddly, the more challenges appear. The compitition to succeed at all cost is aparant. The need to foil others success or to step over others to receive your own is very high. All of this is perfectly normal and not condusive only to geographic location. It just happens with people at work. I suppose I observe this because I pick up a sense of helplessness from my friend and that gets me wary. She is capable, she can mind her own business and get whatever it is that she is seeking. But instead she prefers to lay blame on others, and that I find unfortunate.

what do you know

This morning I was making some crackers for the third time and adding something else to the recipe. I cannot wait to taste it as they came out great.While I was making them, I considered that my mood right at that moment was something that I love to feel, and I revel in those moments. But what about having longer stretches of time feeling that way? It was at that moment that a tiny detail lit large in my thoughts. If I am to keep to the feeling of confidence, that comes from focusing on your greater goals. It comes from planning and understanding that celebrating every step is key. It comes from putting love behind every moment in the process. It is also about managing expectations and just considering it an adventure. I shall read this again because I really appreciate being in this frame of mind.

song,song

Sometimes I am really amazed at the way my thoughts produce a certain train. I may be researching something on finance.Then listening to a podcast on the paranormal. I've been monitoring myself a little,as I am definately filling my mind with things to do with death, dying and the paranormal. Part of the reason is very obvious, from the death of my dad to the very latest one being just yesterday when I heard of the passing of a high school friend the day after her birthday which was the day before. Then three weeks ago it was the passing of a colleague. So I go back and forth and then I also find such interesting information way beyond my interest and last night for example I was introduced to the fantastic poetry of an American by the name of Hart Crane. I was deeply moved by the first stanza alone, far less for when I read to the end. Amidst all of this I am also reading all I can about annuities and stock, better financial plans and choices. So mine is a heavy cocktail of thoughts all swirling around in my mind. So, I am jumping from thing to thing and something else pops into my mind to join the party. It is a simple guest and that guest is ryhthm. I am suddenly focusing on that, or moreso, feeling what the word means. Now here is where the cocktail may become a flambe or something else entirely. Sitting with stillness and observing this rythm had something to say to me. It was as though I could access or become one with the rythm, and the rythm was giving me a perspective of seeing beyond me and beyond everything that I find myself thinking about and being consumed by. Particularly the things that I want solutions for right away. The answer that comes to me in the best way that I can put it is feeling instead of thinking and that produces a train of awareness of levels as one would hear in a melody. Thus I asked intuitively whether my melody is harmonious or shrill? I was sort of conscious that THAT is actually LIFE. Your either producing harmony or chaos within harmony. If you can see harmony within your chaos you can pull back from fear, from doubt and from anxiety. You are present and when you are present, still and listening...only then can you ACT to receive what is best for you.

I have been wanting to write, kept the post open and just sat and had a long running commentary that never saw the light of day.Now finally I am in the zone. A dear friend visited us yesterday and we had an excellent time together.She has taken the decision to move to another country. Listening to her enthusiasm and hearing how much the move has changed her outlook was so wonderful to hear. In the past she has been very kind to people who have taken advantage of it. What I learned from her wonderful resitation is that there is never too late a time to change your mind or way of doing things. So I did thank her, but her words have stayed with me in the best way. Of late I am adjusting my expectations and considering some new opportunities. So I am very excited and I am finding that enthusiasm is contagious. I am very focused on learning new things about topics that shall assist me in getting these new goals on the way.

everybody is with the wrong person

Those were some of the great pieces of wisdom that my late auntie used to say. Last week I had heard one too many stories from a few different people, either about people they knew or things that they were going through. I got a little anxious with the last person, as that was my threshold. It made me wonder about all the effort everyone is putting in to just get a kilometre ahead of where they were before.It all reads like insanity. All those efforts and for what exactly? Everyone wants to be happy, but they are all living in straight jackets of their own making? How do you get out of that straight jacket? Do you even know your wearing one? Or is it that the discomfort only occurs to you when you move? When did we stop falling in love? Appreciating the first kiss, the smell of freshly cut grass, a playful puppy? Sure we get a little sunshine every day, and maybe that's the point...the joys are incremental and if you look and add them up, the straight jacket feels less constricted. I have to say that I really admire people who beat the odds. Thank goodness for those who push through and get to the other side.

a new comfort zone

You just have to change your mind. Things get so uncomfortable and there are no guarantees, but you just cannot stay where you are.To do so would mean certain death. The old way just does not serve you. The hardest part is all of that negative, fear mongering your inner thoughts are going to chime up and place at the forefront of your thinking. It is also the observations your going to make about why you can't change. People are going to crop up too, people you love and people who mean well, and all of that is the stuff you have to just walk through on your way to thinking differently if you want to change to something more. Remember that.

to many things

This entry began as too many things as the title and I was going to write about anxieties...about wanting to do too many things. But since then, I am now all about being grateful to many things. So there you go. Wait long enough and that precipitation that comes over ones visage for moments at a time can be handled. One just has to have the cognisance to wait and to use that time to know that it shall pass. What is occupying my thoughts sans cloud is an acknowledgement that I must give to what every day and week and month is about. As long as one is healthy, or even if you can just garner it within yourself to look at one good moment and acknowledge its beauty...that is something. I remember a Greta Garbo quote where she stated that she was afraid every day, but she perceivered.That's the point.

The things that other people go through can make me feel ashamed to complain about anything ever. From my neignbour and her issues with her ex-husband telling her children that he does not want her to visit him as he has been ill for two years...to her daughter getting married and not inviting her. Then a friend telling me about a woman who has been paralized for the last twenty years and she is now sixty-two. However, that story isn't of compaint as she is married and has the resources to take care of her health. However, her situation is no doubt a very challenging one. I can go on and on with stories about people, but equally, there are many stories about people that are just amazing too. From my friends living in Portugal, to a couple I know who travel and spend the kind of time with each other that shows how much they love each other. They are always looking both happy and healthy and constantly doing great things. Or the girl I know whoes career has been smoking hot from the moment I met her. I have never met anyone who just goes from one success to the next. She has an ailment, but even with that, it has been arrested and she is just living a grand life. I know how I sound as I write this...there is much going on with my feelings right now. I am up and down in my mood. It is another day of missing my dad so terribly that I don't really know what to do with myself. I keep thinking that I should see him at any moment. I just have to deal with it. Also, with my work, I realise that although I am working all out, I have moments where I feel as though I am not making any headway. Then I begin to get very concerned that the work isn't worth doing, isn't going anywhere. I think that it is just the way I process things? Last year I rememeber this happening too. It always seems to be too much, too much emotion to deal with, but I have to.

Living my best life

That's a statement I hear a lot. Naturally it means different things to different people.But for me I find myself focusing on what about KNOWING THAT YOU ARE LIVING IN YOUR BEST LIFE right now? I ask myself this because when I think about my fathers' death, I realise that even at its most difficult moments, the fact that we all got to be with him was priceless. I think that every day that you get to wake up is living in your best life. Every day that you can call a friend, or think about someone you care about....or listen to the sounds of the birds outside your house....or feel the sun in your eyes and on your skin....or move your body around and scratch your head....or hear your tummy say its hungry...or drink a glass of water or hear the commands of your thoughts dictating your day....thats your best life.

As I was about to write I got a call from an old client. Today seemed to be one of those days where everyone wanted to discuss work that I have been wanting to do in the vein again. SO I was very pleasantly surprised and grateful for the interest. This weekend I visited someone with a friend. I have known her for several years and know that she has been having a difficult time for the last few years. I visited her with a friend of mine who also knows her. She also happens to live in the same compound that I lived in during my marriage, so going back to where I used to live, I wondered what I may feel. I was surprised at how much I did not feel any sentimental flashbacks. I had lived there and now I just do not. Visiting her,her circumstances are such that it made a deep impression on me. Last week I was at the receiving end of conversations about power and influence. So it was my neighbor complaining about her daughter's surprise marriage. Then a friend telling me about her confrontation with a colleague over a storage space. As all of these people are women, I ponder the questions of free will, choices and financial security along with what was stated before...so it is quite a lot to think about.

It worked! I shall continue to try the idea. I was able to see myself as male, a female completely different in every way to me and I paid for things with cash. Lol.

some dreams

This morning when I got up I had a notion based on a dream that I can only remember fragments of.The notion is not based on the dream itself but on a moral based on the dream, so even that is unusual for me. I am listening to the audio book by Phillip K Dick called Valis which is a great, trippy story. Yet still....it was about considering that a dream state is yet a form of consciousness...and IF that is as true as it appears, it means that I have the opportunity to create anything that I actually want when I am asleep. I have usually just been an observer or a passive recipient in my dreams and when I am active, I am usually acting as I do when awake.I have had a few flying dreams and must have had many active ones, but for this journal entry, I cannot think of one right now. The other thing had to do with recalling past dreams where I found myself somewhere where I am anxious about money because I am in an environment where I am buying something or I am in a hotel or whatever. It is an anxiety dream, and of course no one wants to be out somewhere and worried about such a thing. I have since had enough dreams where I have the opposite situation, in fact now I find the dreams ones where I have no concern with how or why or any detail about fgetting around and experiencing whatever the dream suggests. Of course I always feel when I get up, that I have had whatever experience during sleep based on what I may have done that day, the things that I respond most strongly too and of course...things I have looked at, listened to or combined. With this dream though, I summed up my life and the simplist fact came to me that nothing is reality and verything is reality, so whatever you are worrying about will be unless you release it. It just made me feel such a sense of relief and made my day.

My sister shall be home tomorrow! She was last here before our dad died in 2020. I cannot wait to spend time with her. Also my daughter's birthday is two days after she leaves. She's coming for a short time. I am happy about both events. It got me to thinking about what we focus on we get more of. I am being simplistic as usual, but it is based on something bigger. I was on Facebook for a few minutes this morning and came across a friend who goes out of her way to write every little detail about her life and day. She was complaining about something and I thought about that statement about what you focus on you get more of. If you want to have a different life, you have to do the mental and physical work. But I think like anything else that has to be changed over time, it takes conscious effort to adjust your old habits. I find it exciting though. I love knowing that a shift can do so much. I have been able to do it and I am expecting to do it several times this year to achieve quite a few things that I want to experience. Yes I am bigging myself up. At least I am stating that my eyes are wide open about changing my actions to meet the things I want to experience.

We went to bed last night with the television playing a great show about consciousness, but we were so sleepy that we missed a chunk of it. However,somehow between sleep and wakefulness I had a thought...we, human beings are actually all universe at our core. All of the biblical, spiritual ideas that have come down through the ages has done the best to tell us humans who we are. So can you really imagine it for a moment....we are all actually the universe? Knowing this, what would you really do with the information? Right away, there is a sense of competion, a knowledge that anything and everything is possible with that knowing. How beautiful. Taking that in for a moment, you can feel that every problem, every issue is so far beneath who you really are. Gosh just for a moment, what a feeling!

what I learned today

The dream I had before waking up this morning was like a movie. I didn't want to stop being in it because I was super curious to know what would happen next. I can't even go into detail about how elaborate it was. I wasn't even myself in the dream. I seemed to be some very showy early twenties influencer in a very fast paced caribbean space where the rich and famous and gangsta's all hang out. It was really something I never find myself even thinking about. Alas, I got up and the day began and my mood swiftly changed from quite neural to moody. I observed myself getting really dark and upset about nothing and everything. I was glad that I was calling myself out as I observed myself. I was annoyed to have to go out this morning, I was annoyed that my daughter isn't feeling her best, and is shutting me out since her accident. I am anxious because her birthday is in two weeks and I want to get somethings for her and my sister shall be home in a week and the money is yet to arrive to do it. I was just sour. So very sour, sour, sour about all of these things. As I walked out of the house, I said to myself that I can look at everything that is affecting my mood and consider all of the other parts of those things that are making me feel that way. For example, my daughter and I are to reunite in two weeks. I always have things that I do for her that she loves. I have things to complete and new work to focus on. I have not come to a standstill in any way. That helped tremendously and I was able to just gradually feel better. I am writing about it here because I really want to get a handle on my moods and ways to do better.

no....like really

Nothing is denying me my successes BUT myself. By putting this question to myself I see it so plainly. I have had way more than the average person in terms of chances and successes. I have been a child who saw the world. I educated yself while some of my peers chose to have choldren. I got married after everyone else. I divorced while many are going through challenges in their relationships.So when I ask myself these questions and I pause as though I am not in touch with myself, I know that something is up. Something in me is enjoying the victim complex. I am about to go the route of I don't know what to do? When really this is actually about taking that next step into the adventure that I really want and know my life IS and can be.

so, like...who am I today?

It is so wierd that when you give yourself a moment between thoughts, especially when they are stressed filled....as Eckhart Tolle states, there is space between myself and the thing of concern. One must always realise that you are NOT the thing or experience that you have invested in. You have at least a moment of for want of a better word, a freedom. I find myself asking this question more and more. I am now here and there are many things that I still of course want to do. I play into the first desires, which are to be stable. To please my family. To do so well that others look up to you in awe perhaps, or at least with respect. But all of that is actually external to who you are. You are always with yourself, so you can be meeting all of the markers and still feel dispare. You can be very stressed by the weight of the expectations that come from being that person. Equally, the feelings come from not meeting those markers or any markers! Thus the admiration for Monks and other holy people. They seem still and clear in their intentions. So what is this all about? Also indoctrination is so powerful that when you don't succeed according to society/parents/peers etc...you make excuses right away to explain away why you have not achieved what to you, everyone else seems able to achieve. The second desire is all encompassing and constant, the need to make money and enough to have it outlive you. Good relationships are also key. You want to have at least one or two people you can talk to and be yourself with. People who have your proverbial back. Then there is good health. You can't do anything without it and you know that the older you get, the more important that becomes. Somehow everyone begins to look the same again in such a vulnerable place. So who am I today? I am the product of every experience and thought I have had, no matter how small. I accept my mediocrity. Accept my hits and my misses. So I am stoic today.

How do I have so much to say?

Blah, blah, blah. This morning I got up knowing that I should go for a walk. But I just was not interested. This coming from someone who used to be highly motivated to do so. I listened to my internal voice doing eerything it could tomotivate me. I was not buying it even for a moment. It dawns on me that sometimes the reason I am lethargic about my intentions is because I know myself so well. I'll even write that I can predict my future because of it. The world talks about white privilege. But I know that I am damned priviledged! I want the things that I expect on my own time and in my way.I think back on my history and I accept my quirks. I accept that I am always in my own way to a certain extent. Yesterday I was chatting with a friend about someone we both know. The person is extremely ambitious, and I have seen her manouvre everything she does in the most calculated way andit has paid off for her. We discussed her because we both think that she is a lot of hot air and no substance. But really, I also admire that her energy, strength and purpose has taken her to where she is. I am now old enough to know that even if you want to admire a billionaire, you are watching someone who has had to work at things that I probably would not want to do for any amount of money. I am curious for myself right nw to know what it is I really want? I have written about this forever, but it is always changing.

Sometimes there is such a sense of clarity about everything. It is hard to explain, but you can wake up and feel as though you have all of the answers to the world and they are so very simple. Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of my dad. It has been two years! All of the day was remembered in greatest detail as the date drew nearer. My sister called and we had a moment for him and my mom did a lovely memory poster that she sent out to friends and family. He is missed every single day. But also, his death has left me quite aware of everyone's mortality. As the oldest grand child to all of the syblings born to both sides of my family, I have already set up an attitude of matriarch of sorts. I provide sage advise, support and comfort to everyone who may need it. I remember the birthdays, the milestones and the holiday greetings. Getting older, I now consider how many years ahead is there of good health and moreso. how will I be called to support my aging parent and family members? Will we be able to do some of the things that we all still want to do? As I write this, I must add that I am not being morbid in my mind. I am being practical. Certain things are inevitable and I have to be ready to handle them.

always food for thought

I find myself coming here without anything to report but a great deal to contemplate.I set myself up by the choices I made regarding entertaining myself while doing my work and sometimes purely procrastinating. I am writing about considering glitches in the matrix and other thought provoking content. In so doing, I have some hopefully choice thoughts to type here. I am in complete agreement about the unanswerable moments. We are only now beginning to take a closer and constructive look beyond coincidense. After all, we know for centuries that if we were to be told all of the secrets, our minds would explode. It is proven by our reactions to the glimpses we get of the things we cannot explain as it is. We get all worked up. As we should because we use our senses in very specifc ways. One can imagine the Taino people coming face to face with someone of this period. They would have no clue how to handle what they were looking at.They would also definately think that we are gods. Demistifying things that once upon a time was really too hard to explain, is a boon. It has taken all of these centuries to get us to a place where we can understand DNA and the multiverse. I am excited to get where we can go next and should go. Providing we don't absolutely destroy our world before that.

what it looks like

My mind sometimes wonders over to what others are doing. I don't know why but that Instagram diet is something I have not been able to quit. It is entertaining, and then it also sticks in my gut, because everybody I know and don't know seem to have their act together. Everyone is rich, healthy, in love and absolutely sure about every moment of their glorious lives. So where is my life like that? Moments filled with me holding the hunky hand of someone I am looking lovingly at? My hair all tossled and my cute outfit flowing in the perfect breezy tropical perfection behind me. I am holding a sleek glass of something healthy. I am always snuggled up with, in some superb setting. All the food catered by Chefs who just want to flex their culinary brilliance.I'm in the gallery spaces, the hotels, the pristine lakes, smiling beyond the box of those glossy images. NOW...real life isn't all of those posed for print ones, but this life belongs to the me in the now and beyond and I gotta be pleased with where I am , what I am , have and am creating, and I am. Even the crown wearers experience the dull, the monotenous. No matter how it seems or what they own.

So often I want to unbind myself from the belief systems that I have about some parts of my life. I think to myself if only I could write a different story about this. Or perhaps if this were the last few lines of this story I can continue on into a story that is way better for me. My daughter talks about her life being a book that she is writing and she wonders about its pages. Both perspectives are interesting. Both allow an opportunity for storytelling that is both invented and fluidly changing at any moment. What it says to me is that it is up to us, to me to decide what I choose to drag along into the next moment and moments that are always present until it becomes the past.

what am I saying

It's that time again where I am doing a lot of things and yet feeling as though I am not doing nearly enough.I am writing about it conscious that I am and I shall push through this feeling. I believe that I have just gotten into such a routine that I need to change around some of it.

how it is coming along

There was a breakthrough for me when I was looking in an old diary for something and in that book I happened to have about four passport photographs of myself over a period of time. Within that I saw something in myself that has always been there but I never really acknowledged within myself. I have some first nation blood, and I saw it and felt a sense of my ancestors so crucially...and within that I found a kind of peace. I just felt the need to be gentler with myself. That provided the 'in' for me to start to say, hmmm, what about a bit of a make over? What about being seen again? I have felt myself in the contradictory space of coming forward slightly only to retreat because of the way I think things are and feel I need to be.There are just these moments that are like darker underlines in a language of sameness. It comforted me when I did not know I could find myself there.

living in the fantasy

This weekend I did some socialising, meaning going out to the green market with a friend and today, visiting friends who are involved in a creative/environmental/ngo. I have not gone to a meeting in an age and a day, so when the creator insisted I come and also that he'd pick me up, I decided to go. Everything baout today was idyllic, really special. From entering their open house to listening to music very familiar from my childhood, because my firneds dad died last year and he has all of his records. The home is like the ones I remember from my childhood as well. particularly my parents house, so this means filled with bookcases and African sculpture, paintings and sculpture, comfortable couches and Scandanavian furniture and of course tropical plants. It just felt like a huge hug. We had brunch and the conversations were meaningful and lively. When we finally left, we spied my friend from the day before at another friends new business. Hers is a cottage industry where her focus is sustainability and we saw some old friends and stopped and had vegan chocolate cake and another rousing conversation. It was just lovely.

s i l e n t

Some really subtle yet amazing things happened today. One of them was based on something I was doing last week. I have built a book for myself of my work to keep better records of the things that I have been making and have sold. There was an image that I needed and I was wondering how I would do it, because I know that the person gave it as a goft to a friend. Lo and behold, today the person posted an imae of it. I'd gone out to do some banking, banking that by the end of the year at least, I plan to work out so that I can just do things online. I do have online banking, but not for that particular bank, so I did what I had to do and I was walking to the supermarket afterwards and it came to me in such a beautiful way...an Eckhart Tolle-esque way.... how much you can just be quiet and focus on observing things come together that you put out to the universe. Then a fellow colleague of mine called me when I got home. We have not spoken in a very long time and just like that we are spending seventy-five minutes together on Whats App. Of the many things he mentioned, he stated that he looks at his life in ten year cycles. Something about that was very enlightening to me. He called me for the number of the person I have been doing a project with for the last three years. He also told me something anecdotal about one of the main characters of my research. A reminder to me that I also have two other 'book' concepts that I want to publish. I marvelled again at the way that communication was coming to me without any effort on my part. I actually love the poetry of it. It is elegant, seemless and definately better than I could do if I went after it. It is something that we all know, but just take for granted much of the time. I can also compare it to the early fighting skills (for Hollywood) done by Stephen Segal. He would fight his opponent based on observation and awareness of their balance. He would seem to not have to do much but wait for the opponent to strike and take advantage of their weak points that were naturally occuring when they moved. I see this energy as akin to that. I also got a car care class from the gentleman who came to check out the car to see what it needs before my sister and her best friend visit for five days next month. I shall continue to write about this, as it fascinates me. I cannot wait to see what shall happen next.

My sister told me that she'd met a Ukranian guy in 2003 and had liked him a great deal.But after awhile of going out she felt that the relationship may be too difficult and she felt a bit intimidated about it. I had never heard that story and it made me think about moments like that where you are faced with something that you know is good and find yourself getting in the way.Being afraid to do something because you don't want it to fail is just as bad as not doing anything. Every decision defines what you do next. Should you wear the black shoes with jeans? Should you eat cereal or have an energy drink? Some things you barely think about having any real impact. Others, you lament and literally pull your hair out at the root to solve. Feelings and hunches and intuition all come into play for the burning answer to these problems. Talking yourself out of joy is a whole other thing.

more thoughts on that thing

How can I pile on to what is already a difficult situation with my friend? How is it that one friendship has to come to an end when you feel abused and another that can be heading in that direction has to be remidied with what was learned from the last one? Should I just stop having conversations with her where she can speak into my life? That is an option. I did that with the last friend too. I just stopped voanteering anything about me, and she didn't even notice. She would go on and on about herself for most of the conversation. Is it me? Am I a bad friend? Am I the one noticing all of these tiny but to me, substantial things, because I am the difficult one? I went into a whole speal about my male friend and his affection. It is true that I have to do whatever I feel I must for my own self care. But what about getting so anticeptic that no one can enter my life? I really have to think about this situation that I see reaccuring again and again in my life.

set ups

I wonder whether we all give ourselves the issues we face pretty much like a game? I wrote about my problem solver friend in the last entry. I see that need to be right and fix things in her character, but there are also things that I see that I do not believe relate to me at all. None of us get out of our world alive and so we are all entangled in relationships of all kinds.I write about experiences, but what are my expectations? Should I even ever really have any? The only way to happiness according to the Buddha is to have no expectations, and that is very true. We are moved by our emotions and thus, our memories of what said emotions do or have done to us.Everything else is just constant analysis, entertainment and background noise. Who are we?

Say what?

Tonight I had an opportunity that in other circumstances I probably would not look upon quite this way. My friend whose husband I wrote about a few weeks ago, called me. I was working on something at the time, but I told her that I could multi-task. She got right into a number of subjects and then asked me about my project. Before I could really round out what it was all about, she drew a bunch of conclusions about it, me and the process...despite having no background in any of it. I found this quite amazing. But that was not the opportunity. I look at myelf as someone who loves to solve problems. This means that I also have a habit of listening to my friends and even aquaintances and offering my advice...unsolicited or not. I have been more and more aware that I do this and have done whatever I can to give advise only when asked or to offer only with a caveat. So listening to her tell me what I think, who I am and what I am about AGAIN, I saw why we connect. Seeing another 'problem solver' in action is astonishing to watch. If I come across that way, woebetides anyone who wants comfort.I clearly leave a bitter taste if my approach is anything like that. This 'opportunity' to see a character trait in someone else leaves me with so much to learn. My friend is by no means a bad person to know. The trait of not listening and problem solving every issue is simply a way that she controls her universe. We have been placed together for years with me wondering why I have always felt that I have to over compensate to talk with her. Also wondering why we have ended up being friendly at all? Coming across that way, I view it for myself as part of my empathetic nature. Hers comes across as bossy and self opinionated. Lol. It may all be the same in the wash. I now see it as a cautionary tale for me. I see the chance to temper my self discovery further and to use mindfulness when I speak. So I am very appreciative of what happened.

fresh eyes

My friend has returned home and overall the time spent with him as always was both refreshing and insightful. He has been so grateful for things that my family and myself have done for him, that he always talks about it. This makes us feel a bit uncomfortable as what we think we have done are things that we would naturally do for anyone. That aside,I discussed how awkward I felt this time with him, and have given it some further thought. I have come to realise from where his desire to be so forward comes from and I am surprised a bit by my revelation. He is happily married, but his wife's family have never been warm and embracing to him. My ex husband has taken that rejection to an extreme, but with my friend, I can now see how that manifests itself. We all feel that we are accepting of such life blows. We soldier on and we do not try to dwell on it too much. However, in little and sometimes big ways that stifling and stuffing down of emotions can manifest in other ways and will demand to be seen. In my seeing, I must cut him some slack. This is a person who is amazing. He is kind, generous, funny, supportive, hard working and also, sad about the one or two things in life that would complete his feelings of success and joy and he just cannot have that one little simple thing. I get it. It is really challenging to know in your heart that things can be so much better if little things shift into place. Things that can easily be achieved if the other person would see with fresh eyes. You wait forever and in the waiting you shrink a little bit every time. I relate oh so much to that. It is a difficult situation at best. Even when you give it up, you wonder about the what ifs. Eventually you come to terms with it only be moving on with other concerns and eventually it seems like a sailing ship in the far distance, you are aware of it and you remember.

drink water and mind your business

Last evening I was unaware that my friend was visiting us when he was. I was in another part of the house when I decided to venture into the kitchen. For a split second I saw only his shirt and my mind instantly thought of my fatther. My mind literally went into a tailspin in a fraction of a second, trying to reconcile the fact that it was clearly not my dad sitting in his usual place. It was so weird.I experienced 'cognative dissonance'I knew that it could not be my dad, knew that he is not alive, yet wanted to think about it nonetheless.My heart was racing while my mind was acknowledging who was actually sitting in the chair. What a moment. Recently I have actually been considering the possibiities of something or thngs coming our way in the near future dealing with us as a world not knowing the possibilities until it happens....like teleportation or invisibility...both absolutely impossible. But then, equally, every time a step is taken forward , many are taken back. Who could have foreseen the situation between Russia and Ukraine right now? Situatoins like that one make you wonder about the working of the world. What else is being produced here? Who is benefiting as people lose their lives, lives lost every moment of every day.

world expectations

Where do we all come off thinking that we are somehow owed a perfect world? That was the thought that I had after confessing about my friend, because at the bottom of the surface belief, I just considered that I expect perfection frommyself and from and of others.When you have that vibe going for yourself that plays like a background soundtrack...I did this so I expect that they will then reply by doing that....and when they don't. I am disappointed and proceed to talk shit about them to someone else who I believe would do A when I say B. What a trip.

and just like that...

There are days when I feel as though there is smoke at my fingertips. I have so much to write that it may be better to do so in point form. But the jist is that a friend of mine came home from Georgia two days ago. He made his usual beeline to our house and ended up staying over until after one in the afternoon. The weather today and yesterday has been rainy on and off and at three in the morning we could not have him leave to take a taxi to his home about twenty minutes away. I have not had a night like that in a long time. I have known him for possibly thirty-three years! WAW! The things we talk about just goes on and on.But one of the things that we faced was something that I stepped away from many years ago, and returning to it felt so wierd. I used to think that there was something romantic and actually ego stroking about a male friend telling me how comfortable, right, happy and intellectually stimulating he found me. Ok. That's all good. Thank you. I appreciate it, I think your cool too. But now that I get these comments from my married male friends, that troubles me a bit. Thanks for the complement, but what the fuck is wrong with your own relationship? I can't reconcile it somehow. I am the secret friend they want to have all of this emotional sucker from, and it feels great and its all well and good, but when I do the math, this is the fifth man I know who has moved true to form saying all of those things to me that I can do nothing with! Your wife can't stand me. You are talking about me and comparing her to me to her face! How dare you! How dare you put me into your equation without my knowledge for so damn long. THis justdoes not sit well. I can't put my finger on exactly why? But I am going to try to understand. It all feels so sad and wanting and as I stated, what can I really say? I love my male friends, but perhaps it is true, men and women cannot be friends? I have gone all the way with this spectrum, from never breaking the fourth wall, to deciding to give the relationship a romantic moment and none of it works. You just end up feeling bereft. Someone has to walk away to save the friendship. It all just sucks.

gossip, gossip

So I write in threes a lot. So more on the topic I was presenting...my friend has known me a damn long time....when I think about it it may be for something like...thirty years! Waw! OMG! Not all of it as friends per say, several as getting to know how we would navigate friendship. There was a space between us because it began as a recommendation for me to do some work for she and her husband when I was still in college. They were one of my first jobs. Then it turned into much more, as my ex husband also met them and then the friendship built from there. She was always half listening to your conversation, champing at the bit to contradict you. At one point I was afraid to say anything at all to her as I realised that she came to conclusions whether I spoke or not. Back then she concluded certain things about me and who was I to contradict her. Then when I was seperating from my husband she took his side for a very long time. I just walked away from the friendship. It was painful, but somehow I didn't hold a grudge too deeply. Years later when she was able to confide to me what was happening in her own relationship, she apologised profusely about back then. I appreciated it. But I also understood very well that someone cannot be kind or empathetic when they are blind to certain experiences. It is akin to all of the planet talking into celebrity scandal. We don't know the person and there we go talking about them as though we are invested and know them personally. So I got it. Some of that behaviour is still in effect. I have had to 'school' her sometimes for some of the things that she blurts out about me like she knows them for a fact. She also contradicts me in ways that leave me gasping for air. How can you make such blanket statements when you are doing twelve steps and all the other uber jargon laced practices of California coaches and Doctors of emotional intelligence? How? But I recoil and remind myself that I equally can be judgy and that our friendship will make all of these sticky moments pass. But, boy, while your waiting for the weather to change, it is a damn bumpy ride. Imagine telling me that I heard wrong. Or that it 'didn't happen that way, couldn't happen that way. Are you sure that that was how it went? WHAT!!!!! Am I sure!!!! I am talking about genuine trauma and you are asking me about my recall?!? WTF!!!!So I shouldn't have to justify or explain, but then it gets under my skin so bad that lashing out is the go to reflex. Listen here bitch!What a balm in my mind that makes. Listen here bitch! But instead I calmly interrupt with, do listen to what I am saying. let me go over this slowly and you can interject but hear me out... Well my friend told me yesterday about a friend she has who behaves the same way and that she finds the person rude and boring. Lol. Our conversation was so long that I did not have time to go into the fact that she was experiencing herself...and perhaps our conversation may even be...god forbid...me experiencing myself also? comme c’est horrible!!!!!

reading

Listening to the incremental yet huge steps my friend is making in her situation, we chatted about that friend of mine whom I had to walk away from after more than a decade of good friendship. Talking about it again, I found myself being more open to discussing what I perceived I may have done to cause her upset. However, I also saw that simple communication and desire to work on the relationship was in order if either of us really wanted it to be fixed. My friend is a supplier of fixes and suggestions of ways to say things better (after the fact) and it is sweet. I know I definately sound condescending with that statement, and I do have much to write about that as well...but the whole conversation My friend has to find some control somewhere and it manifests as it does, and she has always been like that anyway. It is so funny, you work and work on yourself, but really, you are only coming into the acknowledgement of yourself. You go miles and miles to arrive at the same place to actually see yourself. All of the self help (and I have always done it too, ever since I was conscious of needing to at around sixteen or seventeen) you should work on yourself. But i now find that all of that is ultimately for your own sense of self. It doesn't guarantee any better relationships. My friend talks about ways to frame questions. But I did that with that friend. You learn to manouvre the eggshells. Is that really a friendship? You have to express yourself and you have to be vulnerable and sometimes you also have to walk away and acknowledge that it no longer serves either of you. You have to be ok with the mess and ok with chaos and life. You just have to be ok.

A friend of mine is being faced with the challenge of her life. She has been married for thirty-two years and her stable, brilliant, handsome husband has gone off the deep end over the last seven years by stepping out on her to a life of drugs and sex addiction. She told me that after such a long time of him disappearing for days and gaslighting her and scaring her with their finances being all askew, she told him that perhaps he should decide if he wants to be single. Listening to what she is going through over this long time has been gut wrenching to hear, knowing both of them. What can you say and do to support them in whatever way I can? I do so anyway. Of course I speak way more to her than to him. He is on the surface in complete denial and shows no signs that I can imagine that he has this other life. These people were beautiful to observe and they still can appear that way. Yet, my friend has spent seven long years with three not saying anything to anyone and dealing with it on her own. Now she has gone to the opposite end of the situation where she has signed up for every self improvement class, couples retreat and psychological support she can find. I hear her slowly but surely coming out of the dungeon that is an emotional, psychic trauma. Amidst all of that, the silver lining is that we have promised each other that we shall do some sort of road trip together. We plan to research seperately places and experiences we want to have and hen we shall meet up and plot the whole thing together and just do it. I am looking forward to that.

all you know is that you know nothing

This weekend I had the start of what I am hoping shall be a series of personal talks on the state of one of my professions, with people who want to do something new.Unlike the past, I am not looking for partnership and to start anything with anyone. Instead this is about my existing sites that I write on and about other things that may work out in the future. We live is such interesting times as the Chinese curse goes. Metaverse, Bitcoin, NFT's...Delta, Omicron, mask, unmask, booster...The Queen has Covid! What a world. When nothing is certain, anything is possible has never meant more. There is an opportunity for more equity. There is a sense of clarity amidst all of the uncertainty.There is something about having experienced all of the excess and intensity of constant gratification. The pendulum is always swinging from left to right and up and down, and it is so funny, every generation feels some sort of control about it. When the rules suddenly change it is a funny feeling. You get no prompt. Getting older doesn't help. or the fact that curve balls also are placed where you least expect it. It is a miracle that anything gets done at all. Somehow, somewhere the answer is always confidence. You have to put everything behind believing in yourself.

time

Being on a steady diet of optimism has always felt challenging. The mind slips back effortlessly into doubt. However, when you use a muscle over and over again, it becomes stronger and more resiliant. One must just keep the faith and the constancy. Today I was doing what I love at about a quarter to twelve. I thought about the freedom to do what I am doing. I am not beholden to the 'work' clock of my other profession at this time. My time now is more flexible and although much longer, it is also done on my own terms, and it prickled my skin for a nanosecond. I marvelled at it. It is not to say that I am doing anything new. I am just actually calling out and noticing anew things that I took for granted and that is remarkable in its simplicity to me.

much more

When I visited my friend a few days ago, one of the things that I mentioned was the fact that I have always read about the lives of creative people I have admired. I never really gave any thought to the fact that people in the future may read about my life. I know that my daughter shall definitely be doing it, as I have diaries of my life from the age of eleven to the present. That realisation made me think more about the reality of living inside the creation that is me. If you are not careful you will miss your life, you will miss the wonder and the heartbreak and the value that it brings.But moreso, settling into my friends creative space really impacted me because I feel the energy of her space. I do not view my space in the same way. I think it is because it is not set up. However,I want to focus my thoughts on how I view the rest of my life. Of course there is some flexibility. But I do believe that it is essential for me now to have more structure in the space in which I find myself working. This means inventorying my cache of materials which to me is daunting. I always say that I need to hire two students to sort out all the things that I have. I have been alright with just starting the projects that I have to do. But right now it has already begun because I have stuff stacked up in a few corners. So as I am writing this, I think that here I go again, I am writing about something that I am presently in the middle of and not acknowledging it as what it is. OMG! This means that I have an image in my head of " what I want" and I don't think that I am "in" what I want. Perhaps I think what I want has a particular look and if I don't feel that I am in that look, then I don't have the look. This is silly. I am now seeing it.

visit day

I decided to visit a friend today and it was a really wonderful experience. She cooked for me, and for the first time I truly enjoyed a complete vegan meal. We have discussed before collecting her recipes, but now I am going to insist that she and I work on that. She also mentioned a project that she wants us to do, and I love the idea. I cannot commit to it right now, but it shall definitely be on my list of things that must happen. We have so many things in common, but the things that we do not, we are discovering that we can learn from the others experience. She was telling me that her sister and herself nearly came to a physical fight. There mom has dementia and she has been taking the bulk of the care of her, so now that she has secured a residency for two months her sister is extremely angry about it. So I was telling her that perhaps her sister is used to feeling some element of control in her life and to see a major parent ill and unable to see her get better is very hard.I know because I just dealt with my own experience. Speaking with her and going over a number of issues that we shared, I heard myself saying certain things aloud that I believe in, but also I saw where I am now in regard to some of the things that I have gone through. She mentioned her latest relationship and how she had to end it, and got me to say that in my understanding men do not seek out women they do not consider, no matter how fleeting. However, women will compromise, will consider whether they are attractive enough, or just enough.It is not fair at all, but some perceptions do seem to be weighted toward male or female relationships.But ultimately,it was easy to see where there are opinions based on expectations and societal views, cultural views, family etc, and how you can shift your perspective where it meeds to be ie: what is genuinely best for you. Thus, the statement about her sister and about the necessity to do the work she has to do despite the circumstances she is facing. Her studio is in walking distance of her home, so she is not neglecting her parent in any way, she is simply asking her sister for her part of the responsibility to be shared for a few more weeks. Truthfully I would like my friend to be able to extend her work as she is doing such wonderful stuff and she is coming into her stride. Not having the opportunity to speak on certain topics and then listening to myself, I was taking my own emotional temperature. I could also see how far I have come with many things and the things that I still have to work on, like my grief over deaths that have happened, specifically my dad.Mentioning that I felt was huge to say aloud.It was just good to be candid and that was a breath of fresh air.

The year has met me working on commissions and a solo show. I could not ask for anything more. I am loving what is going on. Having this happen has automatically given me the structure I have been wanting. It is not that I have not had it, it is just that without clear results for things, I have been working on everything I want to make, yet feeling untethered because they have not provided income. So when things began to shift last year, it was such a relief for me.

head space

There is a lot to be said for letting go and trusting in the process of living ones life. Of course things feel miles better when money stress is not at the forefront of my thoughts. One of the things that I have encountered is anchoring myself in the present and I hope to pass that on to my darling child. Yesterday I got a Whats App message showing me that she made her own breakfast. It was such a lovely message. One of the things that I have encouraged her to do is to find a space in her room that is just her go to spot. I bought her a gorgeous hanging crystal for Christmas, and wherever she puts it, it should occassionally bathe her in a rainbow of light. Many years ago I was in Scotland on a double decker bus and I spied a large reflection of crystals from the door of a store and loved it. Also in Scotland, I found a bootleg M&M candle that was chocolate scented that I loved. For me there are small things that make me feel comfortable, not a bunch of brick-a-brack however. This year I was looking for something and I sae how many pens. pencils and stuff that I just have laying around. I really want to go through everything and put things into catagories of keep, throw away, give away etc. I got really frustrated that I have so many things and they are just piling up in boxes. It said to me that I have so much and I should not complain about what I think I do not have. I got irritated with myself! So I decided to look at it squarely. Knowing what I have matters. I want to use what I have constructively.

Learning from hopelessness

Last year a project saved my finances. Then it began to get weird. Things that were straightforward started to go wrong, and this year it continues to do so. Part of the issue is this very computer. I need to get a new one, but the tech is unstable. The truth is, I needed to make a hard call this year when the problems began to happen again, and depending upon what the client tells me this afternoon, I will have to deploy my hunch. This to me is the ultimate professional nightmare, getting paid for something and then having that thing work in a way that the cost of all the hard work cannot justify the hours and hours of extended work. What to do? At first the feeling is one of shock and upset. It is then closely followed by doubt and feelings of fraud. This is not supposed to happen. It is a terrible sinking feeling. Now, oddly, after having every negative emotion seep into the problem, comes a moment when you just have to strap on your boots and see what you can do with what has been given to you. I am there today. Having some light come out of hopelessness is damn worth it.

great reading and doing

Goals help us to see a bigger picture, to achieve or maintain balance, to be focused, or to be happier or more successful. We hear and read about goals all the time, but how often are we taught to create our visions and goals in a way that achieves balance in EVERY area of our lives, not just a select few? I have spent a large bulk of my time the last few months learning, training, questioning, and searching within myself to make sure that I am doing what I want with my life and heading in a direction I am truly happy with in each area of my life. I think this is mostly due to my pregnancy- a true incubation period. But as the baby prepares to emerge, new ideas, projects, and goals are surfacing as well. I stumbled upon the goals techniques taught by Jon Butcher. Jon’s company Precious Moments has done $10 billion over the last 30 years with it’s best year at $600 million. He used to have this big notebook with 12 categories in it. Within each category, he had photos, images, ideas, etc. as his personal vision board. His technique was so powerful for himself, that he launched a project called Lifebook that allows all of us to establish our own life vision through these same 12 categories. This is a very powerful technique because it helps us create a vision while in balance in each important areas of our lives. Let’s briefly explore these 12 categories in which to map out our life goals and a couple of prompts to help get your brain juices flowing and help you pinpoint or visualize the balance you want to achieve. 1. Health and fitness– What do you want to weigh? How do you want to feel? When do you want to complete your first marathon? 2. Intellectual life– What or how many books would you like to read this year? What seminars would you like to attend? What skills would you like to attain? What classes would you like to take? 3. Emotional life– Where would you like your energy and happiness levels to be? How would you like to feel throughout your day (including the afternoon time when a lot of us normally feel a “slump”)? 4. Character– What do you want to stand for? What values do you want have? What level of integrity would you like to operate at? 5. Spiritual life– What personal spiritual practices would you like to maintain or begin? How often do you want to pray or meditate? How often do you want to visit church, a meeting, a service, etc.? 6. Love relationships– Who do you want to be with? What kind of partner do you want to be? What type of life do you want to live with your partner? Where do you want to vacation? Where do you want to live? 7. Parenting vision– How do you want to parent your children? What values do you want to instill in them? How much time do you want to spend with your children each day/week? 8. Social life– What types of friendships would you like to establish? What kind of friend would you like to be? What types of activities would you like to experience or enjoy in your social life? 9. Financial life– How much money would you like to make or save? How would you like to see money flow to you? 10. Career- What positions would you like to fill? What skills would you like to elarn or attain? What types of projects would you enjoy working on? Where would you like to work or be employed? 11. Quality of life- Where would you like to live? What would you like your home or car to look like? Where would you like to travel? How does your daily life look? 12. Life vision- What do you see as your grand contribution to yourself, your community, or your planet?

Twenty-two thoughts

I have written many times that the feelings of hope that come with a new year should be bottled.No matter what, a clean slate, starting over from wherever you are is a good feeling. I am making twenty-two comments to start the ball rolling-: 1. Be grateful 2. Be joyous wherever you are, for at least a few minutes 3. Breathe more deeply 4. Listen to the sound of nothing 5. Think about something that makes you smile 6. Smile for no reason 7. Recall a lovely smell and where the memory came from 8. Send yourself a love note written in your handwriting and put it in a pocket and forget about it. Add money to it. Do this with your partner's clothing as well 9. Stand in the reflection of a crystal sending out its light 10. Drink a fragrant tea 11. Massage your body with a scented oil or lotion right after a bath 12. Wear knitted socks in bed 13. Make your bed a haven for calm. Scented candle, knitted socks, soft music, a good book. 14. Have a vase for flowers around you. 15. Sink your toes into a fluffy rug at the foot of your bed 16. Wear something that chimes 17. Get a bathrobe or pajamas 18. Put a favorite picture into a frame and keep it near to your bed 19. Take a nap in the day 20. Fall asleep in a hammock 21. Buy some fairy lights 22. Do something on this list every day.