holidays are in order

Weeks ago and even hours ago I was going way beyond the call of the work that I do. Meanwhile my bank account still does not register any proof of all of the efforts. I know that in the next few days I shall have the tense situation resolved, but for now I am still in a holding pattern. I am desperate for a few days of vacation. A stay-cation. But I also want to travel in 2024 a few times. I am finding that I am checking in with myself and listening to the things that I want to accomplish now. This year I have realised that every oportunity I got, I took. It left me exhausted, but it was presented to me and I did not hesitate.I appreciate the opportunity to get projects coming at me one behind the other.My only wish is that all of them paid well. If they all did, I would be as the British say, chuffed! It would mean that any and all efforts to teach would not be as stressful. I would feel alot better knowing that I can make firmer plans to do certain things that I need and want to do. So that is something that I shall make every effort to work on. Last night I had a moment during that space between waking and sleeping, to look at some of the books that I want to do.It was special, as I made my thoughts look at the cover, open the book and go through a few pages. I did this with about four or five books. I also recalled the words of a friend of mine who said once that the objective is to get the work done as soon as possible. Find a way!

untitled is right

Yesterday I set out to get some answers to why I have not been paid for three months at UWI. I caught the head of department at the right moment to ask about the matter and what I was told was a labyrinth of words without any substance. Then the co-ordinator made a comment to me that sent me down the rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland. I left the school feeling really dispondent. But then when I finally got into the relative comfort of a maxi-taxi, I was better for it. As I write now, I am fuelling all that I have heard into one question for myself and that question is, how am I planning to use this perceived adversity to my advantage? I can sit and mope about all that has happened, or I can see it as an opportunity. I choose to do the latter. I have been here many times with the school, but this time feels like the worst one ever. As I mentioned, I sat with myself and took the lay of the land in. I have had a busy year, that is for certain. The first half started strong and very promising. This part of the year is more challenging. I would like the whole year to be strong and I would like the year to be years and years and decades instead of a chirip, chirip kind of situation...or as the other saying goes, drip, drip, drip of a situation. In order to do so, I found myself thinking that I would be so satisfied if I could do all that I presently do, but with money guaranteed into it. WIth money coming in that I can plan around...invest, save, plan, then I would feel the greatest sense of satisfaction. My plan now is to make that happen.

Say whaaaaat

The exhaustion is still very much with me. Having completed the symposium and exhibition has been an elation an excitement for sure. DaDa+Projects pulled off a gigantic project that was audacious in scope and so good! So very good! What an experience. I really need to write with greater detail about the experience. This year there has been so much momentum.I have literally gone this way...exhibition preporation and making - book designing - symposium and exhibition reseraching, drawing concepts and gathering information and implementing - second and third exhibition making - teaching three courses including one I have never taught before. It has been a constant rhythm of work and churning out ideas and writing. I did not include writing. Yesterday I must add with all of this, I listen to a show on You-Tube called Kinetic Symphony, where the narrator states what will make him happy in his life. You can get the most profound information from the most unexpected places. This happened. He made me want to ask myself the same question. What does a happy life for me look like? I am quick to recall past joys to answer future joy. But I shall do my best to answer without trying to control the answer to control what I want to say to be right about it. Knowing that I can plan my life comfortably. I have a lot. I have loving family, I have the Art career. I need a place to make my work now. A large space and I need a small team. Joy will be having the wherewithall to know that all that I do do now is cpmpensated for with the money to do more. I am letting my concerns color my joy. I should be writing without the word BUT. The but is very real and hampering me at the moment because for the last few months I have been working unsalaried, despite all of my efforts, money has been non existant. I have been fighting and drowning and scratching and clawing my way to makining it through every five days and then to the weekends. I have exploited all of my resources to be able to go forward and it has been scary, bewildering...because I have given everything to all the work that I do. Yet, the reciprocation of paying me has been deflating!I don't know what to think? I am just exhausted! When I have received one of my payments, it came three weeks late with no explanation. Then I did a freelance job and the person just hasn't paid me. They are a friend of the family, know me forever, and they just stole from me! I told them the cost, I reminded them about the payment and they just didn't pay me. Then in my other job, I was lobbied, hard, to come in and rescue them from losing a course. I was lobbied! Then, I only got the contract for all of that teaching three weeks ago! After nine weeks of teaching! Then, on Friday, I finally think I can breath out about my salary only to see that I didn;t get paid AGAIN! no reason for it! No excuses given, no apology for it! I have been here too many times. I am just exhausted! I am fed up of thinking that it is me. I am the problem. There is something that I am just not doing? When I am doing at least four things to try to find a way to make consistant money from one so that while I wait for the other to pan out, I can keep floating. I am not the only person this is happening to. I write so that I can tell myself this. I know I am not alone despite the way it makes me feel. I am just bewildered about how to go forward right now. I don;t know my next steps. So I just have to sit and accept that I don't know. I just don't.

Whistful thoughs

This morning I got up and a fellow artist couple crossed my mind. I spent some time admiring what I believe to be their love story, moments when I have not glimpsed them at their best and overall, the work that they have collectively accomplshed.In going down a memory lane of my imagination, everything felt so light and sweet as I considered life and all that has happened in my own experiences. When I throw my mind back to being eighteen, I could never have projected here. I of course had all of the usual expectations...college was at the forefront. I hoped to be successful at both Art and Design. I considered a boyfriend, possibly marriage. I didn't consider children. I assumed that I would have a lot of the things that my parents had. I saw travel and I thought by now that I would be visiting Japan at least once and or living there. I am very happy to report that I still feel a sense of wonder about where I am heading next and that is the best feeling of all.

discovery

My sister called deeply frustrated with her daughter. She was feeling so dispondent that she said some rash things that I had to scold her about. We got interrupted in our call by our mom who wanted to speak with me, and I began telling her about my conversation with my sister. Of course our mom wanted to instantly call her and add to what I had said, but I insisted that she act as though we had not spoken. I told her that I did not want my sister to think that we had discussed her in a way that she miht not have been ready to speak with our mom about. I thought about that afterwards, and one of the things that became clear to me is the perceptions we hold in our minds. Because what is happening with my sister is not happening to me, I can see it differently. Mom sees it in her way as well of course. So this is already four fdifferent ways of seeing. They are all just observtions of the thing itself. I mulled it over and found thatto look at the issue as a facetted thing is to see its complexities certainly, but it also provides a sense of accepting its many sides. In so doing, if you are patient, you can eventually see that you are just observing your side. There might be something else on the other side of the problem. The point is, clarity can come if you can only let go of the outcome you thing your going to get.

The More

As already mentioned, comparing myself has been helpful because it establishes the thought with me that I can now look at my situation more realistically. There are a lot of sections to these thoughts that can be enjoyable to work on. Building something from nothing is always tantalizing to me. Of late I have been trying to reconcile with my tendency to focus on many things at once. I find it edifying but also energy stealing. I feel that I am not progressing because my chouces are too divided at times. I also put everything into whatever I am doing. That's all well and good, but it makes me feel exhausted when I do not feel that I have managed to get anything out of the effort...for example the book that I am working on now. One thing that I am always satisfied with is my curiosity and conviction that all shall be resolved and accomplished in the end.

Doing

Recntly I found myself comparing what is going on with me with the things other people I know are posting. Comparison is a certain way to become depressed. However I want to use what I believe I am seeing and experiencing as a springboard to my own way forward. One is always moving forward because that is the way that time is read. I feel frustrated about the things I want to do, as I feel that I am not getting anywhere and worse, I am not doing anything to lead me forward. I think that it is a good time for me to write here exactly what I feel I am going to get out of my work and also whether what I want to do is really the way to go if I want to meet certain goals. My ideas include book publishing of all types, from a self help or moreso a self knowledge one, two history/educational ones and three to five art books. I want to do these things because I want to read books like that. I want to impart knowledge and I want to leave a legacy. These books are not about making a huge amount of money. Truly, money is not being considered at all with those things. What I do now, I do to make a living. Is it enough? Many times I would say that it is not. I do not make enough to do many of the things that are normal. I cannot save enough, as I find that I have to borrow from myself for immediate needs.However I am always grateful that I have the option. I also do two other jobs, but they can be referred to as gigs because they are not consistent either. I occassionally get a lumpsome of money and then as always I pay back debts accrewed during the lean times when my salary is late, and it is late way more than is ever comfortable. I cannot continue along these lines in my life, as much as I have grown so very fond of what I do achieve. I have to make some changes. I still want to create the books I mentioned. I still want to do the work that I am doing in those three areas. But I need something else that is consistent so that I can afford to do the things that I am doing comfortably. That is where I am at.

valuing

Deciding to do something else is a bit of a risk as new challenges replace the old ones. Yet, staying in the old mindset is just not an option! I am about to have other things to occupy my thoughts, and it shall demand of me much more regard for having my own back. it may feel lonely, but I feel such discomfort and dismay when my salary is very late. I feel such distress when a client keeps me waiting for weeks with a flimsy excuse when I pay helpers before myself...but I understand that I am not the only one challenged by money sometimes. Taking a hard look at the way I spend my time and the outcome of it is one that I have flirted with forever. I believe that I have certain freedoms, and I do. But everything comes at a cost. What would be perfect? I always say that making consistent money would alliviate so much anxiety that I feel.Just knowing that bills and groceries and materials for projects are all handled is the start...that I can plan. That word sounds miraculous. PLAN. PLAN.PLAN. PLAN for tomorrow and the next day and the one after that. That is basic and I have read or heard somewhere that if you only thing of the basic then you cannot attain it. You have to think grander so that you can achieve the basic. I happen to think that there is some truth to that.

Three incidents over the last few days has rallied me to confront and resolve an issue that has been plagueing me for some time. As I mention constantly, sitting with my thoughts, stilling myself has been immensely helpful. I have never been explosive, quick to anger and lashing out. However I have been emotional about things that happen to me and reactionary, and I have always criticized myself for it. I must also state that I am not trying to be an emotionless robot. I am just aware of the way some behavior of mine produces a result that I see as unbeneficial to me and moreso, hindering my ability to move forward with goals or plans.I find myself stuck in a loop of self criticism. So the further and better stilling has been a little miracle. So, anyway, the three things were so different, but extremely similar. From someone trying to manipulate me to buy something that I told them I wouldn't...to someone making some bogus reasoning behind something I worked on when the original was generic and worse, meaningless...to the person I have been working with for three years on a book suddenly writing me to say that they no longer want to go on. The three things would normally get me to spend a lot of time trying to understand the other persons behavior and why did it turn out as it had,or some element of 'feeling' badly and wondering how to fix it, ,,,total people pleasing. I see the three as similar because each person in some way is a bully. They are allmaking some kind of demand of me where I have no obligation to any of them. In every circumstance I owe nothing, yet, they demand my time in a way that led me to sit up and have to take notice that enough is enough! I have been writing elsewhere that many of my projects are non paying and I love them...but I have to make what to me is a hard decision to work on them only when I can really afford to do so. It is presently true that I do sort of do that now, but this is because the things that do pay me take their sweet time to get to it. So for example I only got my contract last week Friday when I and other staff have been working for over a month, and my direct superior told me recently that she hadn't been paid since July! SO there you go,while I whine, others have even more cause. But today, I just had it! I value my time and value....my time.

Do you know?

I cherish the moments to walk with my daughter to school and to have time with my thoughts on the way back. Today I confronted my negative friend in my head, the one that sabotages me on the regular. Incrementally I have been making strides to change the things that I see I need to in order to get back on track. I have a photograph taken with a friend whom I have not seen for over a decade. We both look like warmed over versions of ourselves and I was appalled when I saw the way I looked in the photo. But last week when I was thinking about it, it came to me that the very photo I cringe over shall be one of a time when even though I found I didn;t like the image, it still represents a moment I cannot get back. A moment where I met a friend after so long and I was so happy to see her and to meet her husband. In fact, no photo I take now is ever going to be like the photos I take in the future, as every moment I am changing, every moment is leading me to another year with lots of changes and adjustments to be made. I can either spend, literally, spend my time in a full on mope, or I can see things for what they are, uncertain and thus just as worthy of making better because better is always there as well.

old is new again

What am I about right now? Of late I find that I have relaxed on some things that can take up a lot of mental fuel. In doing so I have noticed the vacated spot and find myself saying huh, what a lot of real estate that took up in my mind. Now that my focus has shifted, I don't feel as stressed. But what do I feel? A new city is building.A city of my own making built on the doubts I don't see, the insecurities I do and the perennial hope of forever until I am but a memory.

Looking at some old passports from 2015 to the present had me recalling ideas and looking at pictures of myself, my daughter and several friends. In so doing I actually realised that being critical about how you feel you look is a bit foolish because every year your a little bit older, so you shall always find that you didn't realise how much better you look than you thought. Lol. I think that the same can also be said for much of what you consider doing when you look at the context. You are always weighing the odds. I also find this year that I am super conscious about decisions and their outcome. I look at my island every day whether I walk a short distance of take transportation a long distance...the issues are the same, that of seeing a lot of abandoned buildings that once was a shiny new idea. I lament what looks like waste to me, as people need shelter and many of them should be re-purposed for that, but in so many instances the houses are abandoned over family disputes. I also think about how short time is. Death is always on my mind since the deaths of my auntie and my dad. But sometimes I can be less morbid about it. Sometimes I can be downright thankful for daily breath as opposed to the last one. It is the little things in the end. When I consider dad sitting looking out at the garden on those last days when he felt a bit better, I hope that he wasn't too alone or scared about the end. All of this effort is made to keep your head above water from year to year and you are always just guessing. What matters at the end of all of the effort being made? Your supposed to be smart if you got rich...but really define what wealth really is? Of course this is always answered one way until your facing huge money needs that come o so quickly so often for so many. That high horse humbles us all.

gentle conversation

This happened a few times this week. One of these was with my daughter who had made a mistake and when she told me about it she was defensive at first. She is used to that being the case with her father. Instead with me she was surprised when I discussed at a very level tone what did she learn from the situation. She bristled a bit as she feels that she has to do everything right. I let her know that I have made mistakes just like the one she did, and we worked it out. My own conversation, I already wrote about before...butI also am pleased that I do that now.It is as though I were talking to a loving friend. I am my loving friend.

Up and down and down and up again

Yesterday was one of those days. I have been working non stop, much of it on things that are not salaried. However, things that make money has helped me limp along. The price I pay for my type of working can many times feel like poverty. I am now finding it harder and harder to feel optimistic about trying to have savings and investments while living day to day. I went to bed and I got up with a lot of chatter. Most of it was about what I was feeling, and because I now know to be still in myself when my mood is like that, I took full advantage of what I knew would come. I listened to my train of thought, from, I cannot afford my life in this state...to feeling really happy for my cousin who is in Italy with his family. I was invited to join, but of course...that was not working out at all.How was I feeling now about that? Was I angry and deeply disturbed about the lack of money with that? Unexpectidly, because I have been here many times, what I observe now is much more expansive for me, and I am so grateful. Depending on one job does not provide me with a lifestyle of any kind. It begins to provide, but it is not consistant to being able to freely and comfortably plan anything. It is that that brought great dismay to me this time. I am wondering what I can do to bridge the financial gap while I continue to do my job, work on the symposium/exhibition with the ngo I am involved with...continue to write a book I have been putting together for three years unpaid and the exhibitions I have coming up....I would seriously desire a reprieve of cash that I would then put toward all of the things that need it...including investments. It is such a weird feeling to be standing between the problem and the solution. I wouldn't be bothered if money were cushioning me, and I worked toward it, but at this time nothing I literally banked on is coming forward to provide me with that comfort and I am daily hoping for the turn to come. That is what has caused the anxiety. However, because I cannot walk back in any direction, and I must keep going, my attitude is to stand in my experience and find the best of it to take me forward and I am doing that. I am trusting in the process with wobbly constitution, but I am standing here and walking anyway.

Now looking forward

What kept coming to me over and over as I went through my images was how much time collapses on itself. I am saving images on Instagram and looking at them again all the time. I also do this on Pinterest, not as often, but often enough. In so doing I saw, with the older saved images how many things are still the same. It doesn't matter that they may be new materials, new models whatever...it is all frenetic, it says the same thing, look at me, look at me. It is new because I saw them a long time ago for example. It is so funny. Suddenly looking at past, old images feel like new, present stuff. That tells me that I don't have to feel that sense of rushing about trying to make things look just so. Of course it doesn't change having responsibilities and deadlines. But it does help me step back for a moment and embrace everything as having them around me as inspiration. Do, Do,DO also chimes in my head. That's a contrast to not rushing...the DO is an adreneline rush of excitement about direction. It tells me to continue as I am. It also speaks to being confident. Being happy, being kind, being mindful...being positively conscientious. It's like saying , look, that was the past and the past continues to happen and you know that you've gome through stresses and losses and you are now here. Where do you want to go next? In many ways, that is an honor and priviledge in itself. My point is to remember and to feel its embrace and to give my best to it.

Looking back

Yesterday I was looking into old course outlines because of a past student who barely came to class now wants to again querry his grades. As I was doing so I came across a cache of images from baby pictures and visits to China. I look back at these things from time to time. Yesterday was a little different. I think that it may be because of how much longer that past now is. A lot of the photographs of things I found online and experiences I recorded, I was aware of some of the chatter of that time. I recalled vaguely the things that meant so much. Also, I see how much my taste is staying the same. There are things that I just like and I repeat my interest over and over again, even if I have never seen the images before. It also showed me repeatidly that as much as things change and so much time moves on quickly,I can also state that I have learned that it is extremely, extremely important to just do the things you long to do. Do them. As I looked at pictures particularly of dearest loved ones who have now gone, my heart ached in missing them even more than the daily memory that still stings. I felt so grateful for what at the time looked like going through the internet just looking for inspiration. I now see all of it as working on plans. I found whole projects unfinished and I enjoyed them anew. I even considered whether they should be done now? Or I enjoyed knowing that the effort was for then and then only. It was a very good experience for me to give myself the present of the past.

heat,hot heat

The heat every day is crazy! The tiredness you feel from going outside and walking around is so draining that when you get back indoors you just feel too spent to move. However, there is everything too do. I am suggesting to my daughter that we take walks when the sun goes down to give us some form of exercise apart from what we do every day. We have not started to do so as yet, as today it rained very heavily, stopped and rained again and again at the most inopportune moment. I am nonetheless grateful that I do not have to go out in the elements on Friday because of the yearly spraying of the school. When I was a child, my school chums and I used to spend idle time wondering about hyperthetical questions like, what's worse, death by fire or by freezing.The answer is actually which one will make you pass out and expire before it seems painfully grizzly.Things are no longer as hypothetical.

Waw

I have been so swamped that I have not been able to write in awhile.So much to say! Where to begin? I am back where I started a few months ago. My ex-husband has travelled again. This time my daughter and I have the opportunity presented to us to spend 17 days in Italy. I love the prospect but the hiccup is the timing. However, who wouldn't want to find themselves figuring out how to juggle something like that? I always write how much this time of the year demands of me and this year is no different. However, I am not usually working on a mini and then a maxi symposium and exhibition, an installation and hopefully an Art Market in December. Of course I would also not have it any other way. This time, being back here, because it is the second time, the learning curve is improved.I will not deny that driving this time is something I wonder about because of the weather. However, we have plans, b, c and d. ALso, my cousin's wife, her friends and my neice are sending some beautiful images from Puglia.This strums at my heart because the time is getting closer and closer to the window in which my daughter and I could actually go.

back again

I am weepy and missing, missing my darling. But we are talking three or four times a day. Now that I am back 'home' I have lots to contemplate. I am anxious to get back to my work in a proper way. What being away has done is show me myself, show me my mettle and I am so proud of myself for that.

just sometimes

I have been waiting for an influx of cash to come my way after a guaranteed project that I signed contractually occured several weeks ago. However, the clients form of payment is not accessible from their country to mine, so it has been a challenge on both sides. While I wait, of course life is going on, and I have had to dip into savings accounts that I try to ignore. I am fully aware of the privilege of that ability even though the accounts are not to my mind anything really substantial. Yet, I am grateful that I can have those choices. What has been interesting to me over the course of this situation is the way that I have had to come up with a variety of options to get the things I have needed while waiting. The bulk of the issue has actually not really been about me, but about just seeing to expenses that naturally come up now that I am in a new place (but not for much longer) I am also uber conscious that over the last twelve days I have been loathe to do what my ex-husband suggests...ie: contacting his lawyer regarding asking for money. For me this has really lashed my ego. I would prefer to chew off my foot than ask...and I know that I am being stubborn and dragging my feet about it. But my attitude does not come from nowhere. I am so familiar with thinking (in parenthathese) that I am dealing with a reasonable person. But not taking into account that I am actually in a bear trap. So even if he is being sincere, I just do not trust it. It is a sad indightment of our divorce. Yet I think that the fact that I can call it as I see it on my part os a big step in being real about my less than admirable traits that deserve airing too. I have learned a lot during the past four months and I know that it serves me in good stead.

Eh?

On that last note...my consciousness is giving me something to play with while it does its thing...takes me to Kinetic Symphony on U-Tube where the narrator does his best to bring some sort of meaning to the random things many of us cannot explain away. My consciousness is something I think I never have really delved into. Apart from when things have gone so weirdly that I put out an off handed questioning of what the hell is going on? Or why did I say or do whatever it was? Or why am I having to experience this...or some variation that goes counter to me minding my own business. If my consciousness is what I think it is, then it is huge. It may be bigger than the planet and even this solar system btw. So what does it get up to? Well for sure it isn't interested in my hurt toe. It isn't into minutia. It has seen it all. Everything. it has already seen ALL, ALL. So how do I deal with this immensely powerful thing? It isn't a thing for starters. It has no form so that means no ending. It isn't catering to me. Yet it is loving, kind and NOT a gender and has no agenda. Lol Consciousness is like sky with clouds moving about but never raining, never producing anything of discomfort. It is being...of which my being is also being. ................................................................................................................................................................................................................ his reminds me of my daughter telling me when she was younger that we are not 'here' to do 'anything.' There is something really interesting about that statement. I sit with it sometimes. WE ARE NOT HERE TO DO ANYTHING. It can mean so many things including exactly what it says. Hmmmm. .......................................................consciousness sees me like we see a tree's leaves blowing in the wind. Is it the wind or is it the leaves? I give it meaning, Consciousness gives both the tree and the air the right.....................................................................................................................................

energetic energy

So, again, I want to make another investigation into 'energy.' Today as I already mentioned, I was feeling out of sorts. I was going down the garden path of why is everything not working out? What is it that I am not doing? WHy am I so stressed? Then I bumped my right foot. Less than a week after finally getting the all clear to not have to return to hospital regarding the breaking of my left toe. So of course this time I felt like a wild, hysterical woman. What the hell is going on I screamed silently to the heavens as tears poured down my cheeks! What the hell is going on now?!!!! In the middle of that feeling I remembered the wonderful comedian Dane Cook who said that you can be crying, wailing and then suddenly realise that your acting. Lol. Thank you Dane. I interpreted what he meant as, there is only so much crying that the body can absorb, you have to move on,you cannot cry forever,you just can't,there is something that has to be done after that.(No one is coming to save you.) So anyway, it made me so upset and angry and pathetic all over again, and I then decided to use the rage as fuel and I said that I was not going to just wallow in the pain I was feeling...so I wrote all about being my trust fund. But then, after that, I called my mom wanting to not only read that entry to her, but to expound on how amazing 'energy' is...but guess what, she was so distracted that despite meaning well and wanting to listen to me, she kept interrupting me and we ended up hanging up. What I guaged from that was that what I am experiencing today is mostly or absolutely for me. It isn't about rushing out and talking about it. Here is perfect for it though, because it isn't about sunflowers and rainbows. My shitty feeling this morning that got easily fuelled by whatever I lay my gaze on continued to the hurt foot. Now the hurt right foot may not actually be some sort of bad luck omen as I instantly thought. It may even not have any meaning whatsoever. Yet,the situation again gave me a nod to how I use my thoughts. It also is a nod to how much 'in the flow' of energy we are collectively. By favoring or choosing to go on a journey of low energy I found it everywhere and felt it everywhere. The answer it gave to me was to build up my core and to remember or remind myself that it is not only fleeting, but also not something to take to heart too much....the same can be said for feeling elated too... its all well and good, but these extremes are just that....observing in all things is actually the fun part...and sometimes it is easy to forget. So, I may have now sprained and/or broken the right second from my pinky toe. I now know what I need to do. I now am fully present. I am now damn mad and focusing differently and I am most of all, waiting for what comes next with a slightly different mindset. Am I just another human trying to make meaning from the random? Most likely. But guess what, my consciousness also likes this game and shall give me whatever answers will keep its little child quiet while it does what it does. The End.

Trust Fund

Ever so often when I am feeling very overwhelmed or anxious about things just not going according to plan, (so that is a lot...) I sometimes fantacise about having a 'trust fund'. Now I must confess that I had one of sorts in my life. I just chose to cash it all in for the level of education that I wanted for myself. Today,in the kind of funk I found myself in,the thought came up again and it suddenly dawned on me that I am MY TRUST FUND. Right away I had to ask myself,do I TRUST MYSELF? What is a trust fund anyway? To me it is a fixed amount of money (intentionally accrewing in nature)that is held for you to use in a discretionary way. Well, what am I doing with my trust fund? Have I been squandering my creative 'capital?" Have I been leveraging my expectations and 'pivoting' when I find that my investments are not yielding the fruit that they should? Do I play a long game or am I always dipping into it with every intention of putting the capital back and then never doing it? Now that gave me pause, so much so that I think that it would make an exciting little article somewhere where writing about life is called for. Perhaps one of my many projects. What do I hold my 'trust fund' to be? It is the sum of my experiences, my creativity, my culture, my hopes and dreams that have been realised and those that have not, the intention of them yielding great fruit in the future. I am always 'banking' my trust fund. I am always looking over it like a protective parent. However, many times I make swift withdrawals and do not consider the boon that my fund provides me. I do not always honor it with respect. This happens when I am stressed or have expectations that do not provide the hopes that I have, so I treat my trust fund like an account that does nothing for me, and for that,I must atone. My trust fund is my parachute. My trust fund is greater than physical money. My trust fund funds not only my future but those of my future benefactors and beyond. In my trust fund I must vow to build not only a nest egg, but an attitude of gratitiude to all that pouring into myself means. I am not to pour poison. I am not to withdraw all of my savings looking for investments elsewhere and outside of my trust fund. I am to remember that my trust fund was set up from inception with every intention to cushion my life. My trust fund is a support system that is to wear well with all of the ups and downs of life. My trust fund is a life jacket to know I may never have to wear for long or if so, I can keep in great condition for any other need. My trust fund is not out of sight, out of mind. It is a constant living, breathing investment in myself. My trust fund is also NOT only for good times. In fact it is during the worst of times that my trust fund provides me with a reminder of all that has been put into it. It is at those times that looking at the healthy balance matters most. I thank myself for having my trust fund. I promise to deposit more and regularly into my trust fund from now on and not take it so much for granted. Thank you MY trust fund. I am so relieved to know that I have one, and always will.

what a centre

During the last few months being in a different environment, one thing has stood out considerably. Spending more time with myself, I find that the word confidence comes up a lot. Even today on my way back to the flat, I said to myself, well you certainly have shown that being negative has worked brilliantly for you, so why not positivity for a change. It was a little joke that packed a big punch.

and another thing...

At the very least, life is interesting. I have become uber aware of life happening around me, me happening to life and the vague understanding of the universe's unparalleled complexity amidst it all. This day is happening and it shall pass, and in all of the minutia that one has to do, you know that as long as you are alive you can expect to be doing a number of these things. These things help you confirm to yourself that you have some authority over your world. Little things like making your bed, getting breakfast, combing your hair. It is quite remarkable. Everything, everywhere all at Once the Oscar winning film is something that I must see again for the wonderful vision of the story and cinematography. You can feel that way about the world if you let go of expectations. Its trippy, existential wierdness was for want of a better word...groovy. When everything goes wrong and your back is against the wall,your fragile world is broken apart...IT JUST IS WHAT IT IS. All of those guarantees you give yourself of repetition, or lucky numbers or instinct...then you wind up...HERE. Can you give yourself the gift of knowing that your still a miracle happening/

My now daily walks to and from my daughters school has shifted somewhat because of my broken toe. I still take her, it is just a shorter distance. Within the time I get to walk back, I still muse at all of the things that I may have to do or want to do, and this year, just as had happened in the last two, I have a clear sense of the open path ahead of me. One that I can fill with the things that I love to do and want to do. I hold Instagram and Pinterest as my motivators, as I can see the works of other people and know that my path may not be straight but it is one that I am treading on my own that in the future some people may come along it too.

Something really unusual is going on. I have found that the subtle energies that play in my head are actually not in my head. When I think that I am casually contemplating something, little do I know that my thoughtwaves are actully already on the move establishing links with the thing at hand. Scientists say that the wave particle cannot be observed. When it is studied it does nothing, but once you look away, it acts. I see that behavior in action.So many things, little things have occured where I think about something and then I either get a call, I am offered the thing in the most convenient way or it is discussed etc. All I do now is lightly notice the 'thing' and then expect it to show up. I shall mention this more completely very soon.

broken toe

...and this was how it went...a disappointment a week before, as an invitation to a party was thwarted by a no showing friend. Thus, I decided to make it up to the birthday boy the next week, which was Saturday.My daughter wanted a reasonably lasy morning and we never got going until after lunch. It was during our literally running around to get out of the house at a reasonable time that I thought that I had stubbed my toe on an unusual construction of her bed. Mainly a metal bar that sits midway down the length of the frame. My pinky toe went one way and the rest of my foot went the next. Right away when the pain would not stop, I realised that something was amiss. However I still ventured out on the foot. We went into town and then to the friend, and I realised that I was not feeling any better. By the time we returned home I knew that I had to seek medical help. My daughter and I got the the hospital after five and the system is a three part process. Walk in, sit and wait for someone to ask you what your condition is. You then step over to another cubicle where the person behind it gives you a clip board with a questionaire to fill out if you've never been to the hospital before, or you hand over a form of id to help them type your name, dob and address. They then give you a piece of paper that you hold on to and you sit again waiting for your name to be called and then you are ushered in to the hospital proper. You are asked to be seated again and they take your vitals. You are also given a cup for your urine to be tested. Then you are told to walk down the corridor filled with people on state of the art bed carts and nurses and doctors milling about with anxious relatives and their loved ones with occassional wheelchair patients doing their best to get by. It isn't like a thoroughfare, so it isn't that bad.A nurse attends to you, checking your chart, asking you more questions and administering any drug that will help you. In my instance I needed to have an x-ray done, so off I hobbled off with my dutiful daughter in toe ... pun intended...we then waited again to be called and I was then taken into a room with a metal door making me think of Chernobyl. The technician reminded me of my sisters boyfriend. He had me lie on a wider than two suntan beds in a room filled with red light and the sound of the machine as it took my foot reading sounded like an iron lung. It took only seconds and then I was told it would take an hour for the results. Everything had gone relatively smoothly and I was optimistically expecting us to leave by 8;30 and not the 12;30 that did actually happen, meaning that we decided to walk home. In my condition it felt both near and damnably far. My daughter had waxed romantic that one of the things she has wanted to do is to walk late at noght with her friends in some part of the city. Now she was definately getting her wish right on schedule but with me. When we finally reached our apartment complex she suggested that we sit on the recently discovered metal garden chairs at the front of the compund that is nestled on top of furry festuka grass. grass o so familiar to our house that my dad cultivated lovingly. W e looked up at the stars and considered our vry eventful time before finally getting to the house.

afraid to be happy

Can it be imagined that one can be terrified to be happy/ It makes no sense because the alternative of being terrified when things go wrong is such a horrible experience...and within it, you are trying to keep afloat and find some sort of light somewhere to bring you some relief1 So why is it that feeling happy makes you worry/ Why is it that you are waiting around for the proverbial shoe to drop/ In my walk yesterday, a thought came to me about happiness being a choice. It really, really is a CHOICE. It is funny to write it, but it is true. By choosing happiness, you are really acting rebelliously. You are choosing YOURSELF. You are believeing in those moments in life that we all have that we gloss over and ignore. For example, my friends who are here from America, are together and although they bicker at each other, I see their relationship as beautiful. My friend who has decided to stick out these extremely difficult times in their marriage is in her mode to survuve what they are going through together. I totally get that she cannot see such monets as beautiful right now. She has to get past the hurt, resentment, hard work, betrayal, shame...you name what she has put on herself and him based on everything over the last eight years. Yet, as a friend, I told her that she may not want to hear it or acknowledge it, but they are sweet together. To see them laugh at the same things and finish each others sentances is charming. My heart warms to see that. Life is going to scare you, make you cry and want to die. It takes loves of your life away from you. It upends plans. It prooves you wrong all the time. You have not a shred of a guarantee about life other than the fact that it will change and that your life shall end one day. Should you fear being happy/ HELL NO.

It is so funny. To me, I see that everyone I know and myself are always wishing for more time. Being in this new environment, I have the opportunity to reorder everything that I do. I have found that the new surroundings have pried me from some old ways of thinking just by re-ordering the way I have had to do things. I have some opportunities here that I would not have under any other circumstances and I acknowledge that and must be grateful. The month has now begun and I really want to start getting my professional act together. It has been the only thing...and to me, the most serious thing...that I have not had a hold on yet, and that must change this month. Being closer to all of the major activities of the city is a huge boon. I love being able to get things done quickly and inexpensively. I have not given myself any thought on moving on from teaching. But it is always in my mind. I am here for four months, so who is to know that the end of the year shall be more of the same/ I don't know how I would handle teaching and having to be in this area in the future/ Some serious compromises would have to take place and I cannot say what they are just yet. I find it interesting to be at this sort of crossroads. Ultimately the only thing keeping such a decision is a financial one. I have the time to consider what I want to do next and that is always exciting and where I should put my focus.

now

So a month has passed and a few days. My world completely turned around because of the impulsivity of my ex-husband. What has that meant for me/ It has slowed down my day and my thinking. I am no longer focusing only on myself, my mother and aunt and then my daughter, as she was with him.No. I can now put her first for real for this period of time. She and I have always been able to talk to each other. We confided that the whole situation is weird that first week. We blundered through the poor arrangements he made.My first full day was one where I met her teachers and friends. I have seen my child grow from being tentative and practically withdrawn, to being literally rescued. She hugs,she thanks, she dances, she laughs so hard that she doubles over with it. My darling girl. My ex-husband does not mean to be so deficient. He just does not know how to be that nurturer she desperately needs. He really believes that buying things and having things in their house is all that he needs to do. I have helped her with assignments and taking her up on her exams, and made her learning less tressful. Our routines that I have no trouble doing, like ironing her clothes, holding her bag for school as we walk to it and making up her bed to give her a little extra time to exhale are things that I do to take the load, literally off of her back.She was practically doing all of those things and he was spending very little time with her pre-trip abroad for four months.He buys things, yes. But, as stated, I see the things he doesn't know he needs for her too. I actually empathise, as he never seeks out support from anyone as far as I gather. His mother before she passed away would have guided him somewhat.My daughter can finally bring her friends over to visit, and they have been here twice. I got his house cleaned by my mother's House Keeper. We have done a lot.

endlessly possible

Yet another question put to myself. What am I happy about doing/ having/being...from simple things like the fact that the charger is next to the couch and after complaining that I had to sit next to the refrigerator to use the one there, which was very awkward....so I feel so much happier about that. hot coco....something I used to hate and now feel soooo goood to consume. knitted socks...when under the comforter it is the best. cotton sports bras....way better than lacy bras....fresh flowers in a vase....bindge watching great show that you knew nothing about....perfume with rose as the base...languages...listening...talking...water in all its forms...nature....architecture....woodwork...sculpture...art...jewellery....natural gemstones...all types of cuisine...fresh raspberries...blueberries....strawberries...peaches...sushi...ceramics...fabrics...handmade books...journals...massages...travel...

There has been lots and lots of writing about so many plans for so many things. Some started, some incomplete and of course some never realized beyong the page.I am so happy that I have come to embrace the process and to stop wigging out about what cannot be finished. I read somewhere recently that we are not meant to finish everything we want to do, and that was a relief for sure. I cannot begin to write what a pleasure it is to plan and plot and start, stop, start, work, work work and see results and get the results acknowledged and get more things to work on and to feel like your having the most exquisite meal because it fills your soul so very much. Today as I was out and about I dared to consider this being my work from now on...work where my hours that I cling to as creative time is monetarily spoken for...meaning, my time that is my own happens because it is mine to spend without worry about anything at all.Again, I marvel because I am actually within this plan right now.I say more please to shows being asked of me to do....of projects where people say they want it by such and such date and I am just vibing, going from one amazing project to the next and everything that has to be paid for and invested and used to help family and myself are all just falling into place.I say, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....what a joy to me......what a delight to follow that thought.

Happenstance

I was out the other day a few days before carnival. coming back from dropping my daughter off to school and i was not thinking of anything in particular when I just got a sort of message telling me about confidence. I saw how much it matters. now, one would say simply, of course it matters. We all know this. But the revelation for me is a combination of knowing and acting on what is known. I find that it takes time to get to a place where you know. But sometimes, as I had done many times as a child, I just knew. Not only did I know, I acted on the knowing. What excilleration whenever it befalls me. That day when the word came to me, I had one of many of those moments where I wished that I could just send the thoughts to this diary right away. If I were able to do so, much of the nuance that meant so much would not be lost only to be replaced with this writing. It shall have to do. I also thought that I would also follow other people in my family. Follow their perceived stories based on their past choices. It sounds so clinical...I wondered about where we begin...as my ex-husband and I did. Those early days that if I had been allowed to speak to myself in the guise of someone else to tell me the outcome, would I have changed a thing/ Probably not, as the outcome would not completely bother me if everyone turned out ok in the end. I might have asked whether we would remain friends. I think that it has been the deaths that have devastated. Those have torn me assunder. Those I did not see coming. Yet, I am grateful for the time that was given and used as we used it. So, i was looking at other people's lives and wondering about their trajectory/ Did they think that they got everything wrong/ Did they consider that they made a wrong step or went down the wrong path/ It is highly likely. But, consider all that was also gained by not taking the constantly trodden roads.Consider too the wealth of learning befalling the change in perspective that you would never have saught if you got all that you wanted.

encounter

My ex-husband's plans for everything to go smoothly when he left the country and arranged for my daughter and I to stay at his home....is (as expected) full of holes. Being in his home has taken an adjustment. I have not had to communicate with him much. But yesterday was an exception in terms of back and forth writing.This has brought me here today because I have a predicament. This four month stay would be best handled as many men consider with women...ie: silence. I do not want to communicate with him because he doesn't know how to do it. He now wants to adjust the arrangement, which I knew he would do. In fact, it is all of his usual stupid moves that irk me so, so I have to do something about that. One of the moves is his trying to show me that he is in some kind of control over the situation. That can be simply dealt with as I did recently with the first presentation made by him . I aquiesced. It was nothing to allow. But his need to control me is maddening! I want to scream!!!

Eureka

I just pushed that whole mindset to the side and had a beautiful revelation of myself stepping past the doorway of negativity....everything I have ever held to about unworthiness , disappointment, failure or whatever else I want to call it. It was glorious! So glorious. I actually saw to the other side....instantly I was free. thank you.

A friend of mine called to let me know that she is house sitting for a month. She said that she had really wished that she could get away from all of the drama going on at her own place. So when suddenly she got the call to look after the person's dog, she took it. I like the way that my friend manifests her needs and wants. She is a very focused person. Her work consists of environmental, mystical and emotional content, so this is just an extension of who she is and I dig the optimism.

My other side

Being in this house as I wrote before is like living with a ghost. I have moments when I feel as though I have gone bac in time. It isn't anything specific. It is a hovering sensation. I feel like all I can do is hold still and pretend that it isn't there and it will pass by like a cloud. Then there is also an awareness that my reaction is clearly a remnant of something I thought I had expunged. That is a but annoying. But then, I also see that it factors into a place that I never wanted it to reside in and that is insecurity. I know this because right after I stop playing that song on repeat, the next one is a litany of views that I battle with about myself that come up in rapid fire. Seeing what I am doing, the way that I am behaving, I centre myself and let it pass over me and I replace those feelings with what I am doing now.

On the other side

It has been five days since moving to my ex husband's house to take care of our daughter. It has caused she and I a slew of emotions beginning with being quite thrown by the way he chose to handle the matter. I also have found nostalgia kicking my ass until I was summerily kicked elsewhere this afternoon. He has not written to me to tell me that he has arrived. He is moving true to form. But before he left both he and my daughter got covid. In the last two days she has been complaining about shortness of breath. I have been monitoring her and doing everything that should be done for such a maledy. This afternoon she had a meeting with the Psychologist she has been seeing for a few years and I finally met her. She called my ex husband about my daughter's breathing and he then wrote to our daughter asking how she was. I have been so burned by that man that I am writing in a paranoid way about the entire thing. However, it triggered me because it seemed that he is planning to behave as though our daughter is living on her own, and the Psychologist didn't tell me anything but called him. I spent a few minutes feeling some kinda way about all of this. I really observed myself doing my best not to spiral into a place of serious doubt about simply everything. Was he going to spend the next four months pretending that I do not exist while doing what he wants? I felt trapped, tricked and angry. Then, fortunately I got a grip. Lately I have found a strategy for triggers....I say to myself how far are you wondering from your target? Why am I being distracted? That has helped tremendously and I used it and was so much better after for it.

new path

In a few days I shall be writing from a different house. I have been doing my best to not think about it too much, as it shall be a change that is twelve to thirteen weeks long. However, the same way that I can fill my time with a certain anxiety, I also fill my mind with all of the things that I want to experience with my daughter. For the first time in five years and really...ever....I shall have her on my own for the longest stretch of time. When I had her more, he still managed to take up her weekends. I see us doing a lot of walking and talking. The weather has been very wet, but there is the opportunity to do that nonetheless. We can plan our weekends together. There is the proximity to both the zoo and to the botanical gardens, lots of food places and other types of entertainment. There is the opportunity to teach her how to do all of the things that a young girl soon to be an adult must know to do, and there is a chance to just give her all the hugs and kisses and proper attention that she so deserves way more than she's had. But also, for me, it is an opportunity to go in a brand new direction with my other work and that too is exciting for me.

The Crown

I broke down and decided to look at The Crown. I do not know whether I can stick it out and I am now on the second episode of the new season. One thing is coming home to me very strongly and it comes from a conversation had with a former student today. She was extremely upset about her job and wanted some advice. She's teaching in a religious school as someone in love with a transwoman, so she is feeling the threat to her psyche. I had her know that anywhere she chooses to work she has no guarantee of any change in attitude, so she must nurture herself. She is extremely resourceful and curious, so she must hone her talents when not at work and use them in her classes if applicable. The Crown comes up to me because in the wake of Prince Harry and that book of his called Spare (that I refuse to read or know anything about) it is clear that at every level in society people have problems. We want to believe that 'other' people are doing great and living a life that we want. But what is that? When a Prince Harry or a Lady Diana start picking away at their challenges living in luxury we all turn on the snooze button. How dare you complain? What more could you want? Wealth shouldn't mean loney, hungry or angry. Wealth is not supposed to mean depressed, scared or scarred. But it does and it can. i always think that we all should consider our lives and imagine those who wish they were us. That puts so much into perspective.

In the last few days something interesting has happened to me. I don;t really know how it started, but it may have been a combination of things. Perhaps it was reading about wellbeing, doing a few more exercises, eating a bit better....but suddenly I began appreciating some little things about myself. It sounds absolutely absurd.But it is true. I just began to notice that I didn't have to be uptight about things that I am always being uptight about and have been running like a non stop loop of criticism on low frequency all of the time. The following day that little bit , that sprinkling of something good...good vibe spread like mustard...now today it got bigger.

So damn lucky

The argument yesterday has me confronting the value of 'being GOOD anyway.' His belief is that you cannot be happy 24/7. He is correct. You cannot be up forever. It does not exist. However, you can be mindful for a large amount of time. When the belief slakes, it does so because of habit and comfort. If you really analyse that feeling of down and of comfort within it, I find that you begin as Tolle stated, see that there is space between you and the emotion. You have just enough to breath in a literal space of rest. How does this impact chronic pain or serious illness? I believe that it is most relevant in those constant moments even moreso.

I was looking for this quote the other day....the state of our nervous system is really what creates our perception of the world. I kept this entry open expecting some inspiration and it has now come from the most bizarre situation that I experienced today.I have been cordial with a taxi driver I have taken over the years. He usually talks a lot about a woman he is involved with whom he feels a sort of love/hate relationship with. He's discussed spiritual views, science...he's a pretty interesting guy until today when I got into his are, wished him happy new year and then to what seemed like an innocent comment from me...turned into something atomic. He says to me, you looking like everything good with you. I say yes, thank you,,,and then I make a self effacing comment I tell one or two people...which is....even if I am not good, I am great. From the moment I said that, he was on a rampage of words with me, saying that my comment was jingoistic (he didn't use that word of course) and that I offeneded him by bringing up my Buddhist doctrine. It was an absolutely weird exchange. At one point I suggested that perhaps we shoud stop the conversation and he could let me out. I even apologised for upsetting his sensitivity. In the end I had to get out of the car and walk away from him as quickly as I could as he accused me (rightfuly) of being sarcastic with him when he finally got to my stop. He left me feeling bewildered and stunned. I am certain that something deeper is at play. It is a perfect little cosmic puzzle that I know I shall be flipping over in my thoughts. What was most interesting is the concept of the standoff. WHen two parties are strongly opposed then they have to be mature enough to agree to disagree and to move on. But in that exchange today, I saw someone who was so combative he reminded me of my ex husband a bit, only he was worse if that was possible. I believe that this was because I had to take notice of it all, and I have.

The countdown begins for my sisters ten day visit next week. Two friends are already here. They came two days ago and we have already seen each other twice. This time of year os always frenzied and exciting, and I am now begining to plan how I am going to manouvre it. I think for the first time I am actually listening to that part of myself that says that it wants to be absolutely creative and I am going for it without apology. There are a few things that I have to research and I want to take advantage of the opportunity to do so while they are here. There are some things that I am going to do through the NGO I am associated with. Things through my tumblr and whatever it takes.

some new things

So many things are coming to a head. It is an interesting situation.My ex husband is leaving the country for a few months, he is not taking our daughter and she refuses to go. The new year begins some serious projects that I have not been able to do for some time, and it may be the proverbial new year wave, but I am feeling optimistic about everything, and I am not doing so in a Pollyanna type of way.I am simply thinking in terms of process and planning.

Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful its ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing; hold on through the awful; and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul healing, amazing, ordinary, awful life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful. LR Knost ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... It never changes, the way you feel when the year begins. Fortunately I also feel that way when the year closes as well. There is so much to say and to do. So much hope. Yet amidst that, there are memories that come quickly to make you sad and to make you wish for different outcomes, because there has been so much loss again in 2022 and expectant this year because it is always the case. I have to balance my anxieties with my hopes and sometimes one wins and sometimes the other does and also neither does at all. I choose today to be happy and hopeful and moreso, hope filled.