Ok then. So on Christmas day I decided to send out greetings to everyone online. I was surprised when one of the respondents, the one person I wanted to hear from, replied right away. After that, it was ON. Now, I would be lying if I say that I am not feeling much better. Just better for having moved past the soundtrack that I have been playing for months.I also admit that I am now at another apex of the unknown. I am wiser though. The feelings are all still there, as though they were hibernating, which is very true. What am I saying? What is this saying? I see this as me going for something that I want without apology. It is bigger than my desire to protect my good manners. I'm fed up of compromising and feeling frustrated. I am out here on a limb because this is raw and visceral and it is all about how I feel and not about the way that I think.

Netflix did a documentary with Chris Brown. I had no plans to look at it. I am one of those people who remembers only too vividly what happened the night he and Rihanna had a fight that nearly ended her life. However, I have always said that although I am no fan, I admire his talent. He is the only person who can dance in the vein of Michael jackson and not look as though he's copying the man, and that is saying something. Anyway, I was watching his documentary and he got very candid about the whole violent encounter and he said something that stuck with me. He said that he realized that people would view him as a monster, and that that was the furthest thing from his intentions at the time. But in understanding that he was being portrayed that way, even by himself, he decided one day that if people were going to hate him, he wanted them to be mad because he planned to endure. I can respect that. One can learn from the unlikeliest of places. I am glad that I watched the show, I have a better understanding of the man. It still does not sit well with me that they got into an argument that led to such an awful outcome for both of them. But, I would be lying if I wrote that I could not relate to passionate arguments. My ex-husband and I used to have real zingers. We never hit each other, but boy did we shout at the top of our voices and slam doors and phones down. This year, I find that I spent a great deal of time trying to make sense of feelings that left me so exposed. I still feel a sense of it. I have come to respect that I was given them to experience. I have never had quite 'this' way of encountering myself, splintered off like a piece of crystal. I am shining on one side and at certain points, dull the next moment. I have confronted that I 'feel', yet, it has not provided relief, as it has set itself up in observation to be fascinating. i go back and forth. One moment I am absolutely certain about a course of action. The next, I feel one hundred and eighty degrees different. What that tells me is that both are right. If I act, I am creating an action. If I don't act, I am creating an action within my inaction. Sometimes there is no right, there just is a way. I discovered so much. Chris Brown did say all those years ago that he saw his mother go through Domestic Violence and swore that he would prefer to see his father dead than see her hurt again. What he did to Rihanna must truly screw with his mind. I cannot imagine the tumult. It is as though something inside him mocks him for thinking he could be above what he witnessed as a child. In fact, just yesterday, i was giving some thought to the word 'victimhood.' I shall expound on it in a later post. It is actually 1:31am, and if I write that, it shall take some time to do so. I'll just state here that right now I find that the humanity has a lot to answer for where the victim is concerned. When I think about Indigenous Peoples, Slavery, the Holocaust...people go through trauma and are re-victimized. When does it stop? Is that really about survival of the fittest? This entry is becoming something else from where I set out. So I shall end here. But again, I must say that it is clear that we are all given something to work out. We can either use it to fuel ourselves or to be consumed by it.

Thinking too much

and then some...the end of the year is always about reflection. It seems hard to believe that so much time has gone by, and that so much has happened. Overall, I would say that 2017 has been a year of personal contemplation for me. Financially, it was not as bad as last year. I would say that my sea legs did not wobble as badly and I was able to negotiate things from a better position. Next year I expect to do even better. I am however mindful that my parents are getting on in age, and I must prepare for anything happening with them. My child shall be transitioning from primary to high school, and her father does not include me in any aspect of her school life. This means that I have no opportunity to affect that decision. I do however, have the chance to affect her teenage years and her plans for school once she graduates from high school. There are one or two things that I can do to secure that, and I have already begun to work toward that. I started back to do freelance work, and in the new year, I have the opportunity to continue to do such work in a way that will benefit me. I see some opportunities with that on the horizon. I have to just keep going. I have felt so defeated, so often, but I also am very aware of how fortunate I am.

THEN, yuh done know

That is a well known slang in my country. It makes people laugh, and its very apt. Everything is so correct when you slow things down and decide to really take a look at what experience teaches you. I also suppose that the elementary nature of knowing is necessary to get the child mind as it ages, to the place where, like walking, you can eventually do icon your own steam. But first you have to be willing to explode the box. I asked one of my friends recently how is she certain that her gut is always right? I'm not as confident about that as she is, thus the question. But now, I am going to be more mindful of what my gut says to me. Lol.Clearly I use it. But I am just not as conscious, I suppose. I asked because I really wondered about my instincts at one point this year. Had I sprained or blunted mine? When I checked with other things, I am on point, so... I really liked my last entry. It spoke volumes about where I actually want to go. Opening up my horizons, not limiting myself has felt so very good, and continue to feel good. Thank god for small mercies. I got here by tapping into what L O V E brought out of me. SO how can I be mad? I know that it opened up so much that I long to keep...and it is all inside of me and I am constantly glimpsing and being buoyed by it. But somehow it didn't seem that way. I mistook it for being outside of me. I give everything. I make the effort to feel joy, enthusiasm...whatever it takes, because I acknowledge that every day is to be appreciated.

who knew

After what to me was a hurricane of emotions this year, I have had ample time to consider what it all meant to me. I have truly burned mental calories on a variety of views, and this time, I am now at a place where I will say that there is acceptance in the circumstances. I no longer feel a knee jerk reaction to respond. I no longer am trying to be right, or to find a way to manipulate circumstances, even though they have only been hypothetical. This evening, I'm not writing one thing and holding back in my heart that another that I would like to experience can actually happen. I have been able to get past all of this through concerted efforts. I have worked extremely hard to move forward when all that I have wanted to do is to change the outcome. Particularly as I have never had this sort of experience good and bad, before. In choosing what matters most to me...my present and my future...and my knowing, always that what I do not receive is not for me to receive...I have come around. What has helped has actually been remembering Frequent Flyer, of all people! That sobered me up after so many false starts and stops. But, ultimately what I gathered from everything most, is my resolve, and my ego made me laugh today, because it kicked in, and wanted me to explain how could I have had such a tumult of feelings and bam, shut them off so fast, as though I were shutting off a pipe? My answer is pretty simple. I still feel something. I still care. I still would really love a great outcome. However, it is not the be all and end all of everything I stand for or want for myself. I think I learned that with my ex husband and Frequent Flyer. I do dig my heels in when I think that something is for me. I commit. Despite the way I have appeared, I am a very faithful, committed sort of person. I persevere. I don't give up on people I love. But what I learned with this experience is that I don't have to feel that I am falling apart just because things did not go as I hoped. I am grateful for the experience. I would have to say that I met a soulmate. My life changed dramatically. I questioned things that I probably have never given a second thought to. I acknowledged sides of myself that I suppress. I heard myself actually want to want someone because I felt that they were worth fighting for on a romantic level, something that I am still stunned I would contemplate!When I fought with my ex, it was because I knew we were both invested. In this instance, there is no such guarantee, and I have not chosen to act on my impulses to act. But I have thought about it. I really have. The fact that I have has shown me a side to myself that I am still coming to terms with. I see that that vulnerability actually makes clear that I have taken the biggest step of all, and that is that I am ready for a new relationship wth a man for real. It scares the fucking hell out of me! But I am willing to take the steps. I am amused that all of this has happened to me and I know that the catalyst behind it all is none the wiser.None the wiser. I glimpsed myself in a way that I gather now, nothing else could have drawn those things out of me. No way! I had to be off-balanced. I had to risk. I had to change me. My set ways of doing and being to get here, in this way.

There comes a time when you have to close a door. I may not feel ready,but today, when I ran over certain thoughts that still march through my mind, the combination of experiences just called for a decision on my part. Sometimes, when I have decided to end something that has felt so familiar, I know it is for the best. But although it is the right move, it feels sad and upsetting, even when you know it. It isn't any longer about some sort of lightening bolt, reward sort of thing. You make a choice with all of the same feelings before the decision, in place. I have to look ahead. I have to look at my strengths, and they come at unexpected moments, where I hear myself saying things that help me go on. When I have to make what feels like a hard choice, I remind myself that I have faced things and persevered. I know that I have no idea what to expect, but sometimes it matters to just be open. To not have any fear in the unknown. Also, to trust that I can focus on better.

two

I'd like a trust fund. I'd like to work because I choose to and not because I have to. I would like to see all of my projects happen. I'd like to have a team of staff working for and with me. I'd like to have a space that I created from scratch. I'd like to go to countries I have never gone to before. I'd like a lover who suits me perfectly. I'd like the rest of my life to be about joy and beauty and fun, adventures and great memories. I'd like it to start now and to never look back at what hurt so much.

contemplation.

I am finding that I am changing in some little ways that tell me that the time I put in to certain things are indeed worth it. From the way I take a dance class with seasoned people, to how I now handle the moments when I feel sad or upset about things not working out that I really want to turn around for the better. It doesn't mean that my life is suddenly all joy and roses. I still struggle. I still hurt about certain things. I still beat myself up sometimes. But now, when I am in the beginning of such moments, I know that I am in it, and I know that it isn't something that controls me. I have a choice. Sometimes I can decide that I should just allow it, in a sort of observing way. At other times, I can say to myself that this is about to feel a certain way and I am projecting or feeling triggered. I may even indulge the feeling and see where it goes. The point is that in the past I used to brood. I used to sulk. I used to feel really put upon. I didn't know any other way to act. My journey has been a long one to finding a way to be in the world and to be happy to be myself. I don't even know myself fully. I surprise myself by some of my actions, thoughts and judgements sometime. Not everything I think or do, is fully realized. I can be prone to act without much thought.Or deeply analytical for the most trivial of issues. I may be moody to others, when to me, I am just being observant. This year, even my liking my own company and spending so much time alone, I challenged that. I finally admit that the two greatest relationships in my life that have ended,really changed my life - and I am still carrying the hurt and pain of those experiences, along with all of the wonderful memories, and I miss both of these people so very much. Have been wanting to find something like that again, and the void has felt so deep that I thought shrugging it off as not possible was enough. But, the laugh is on me. Sure I analyzed that I saw men as inferior. But these two people, I never saw them in that light. I loved them unconditionally, and I will never get over the importance they played in my life. I am not to "get' over it. I am to continue to know that I feel the way that I feel, and I am doing the best that I can. I have met people since, and I am grateful that I have glimpsed other interesting people who have chosen to share their time with me. I have been jolted by my expectations. I think that I have done my best to have an opened mind, and with it has come a better understanding of what I will and will not accept in someone I desire to spend my life with. I know that casual relationships are not for me. I know that someone who is secure in themselves is really important to me. I know that I would love to do fun, spontaneous things, travel, take long drives and walks, talk for hours, send cheeky text messages, Skype, laugh, eat, drink, dance, sing. Live. I have had the experiences I have had, I believe now, because I have been holding myself in and holding myself back, because in a way, I feel so restricted by my space and place. When I was alone when I was last abroad, I loved the time that I gave myself. But, I admit that I desire to share this with someone I love. I love being alone. But I am for the first time admitting (I think) I feel lonely. I feel lonely in that I miss having someone be just for me. It sounds kinda wierd to write it. I suppose it comes with all of the criticism and stress placed on my from without...from my former husband. From those closest to me who challenge me every day by weighing me down without even realizing it. It comes from my job, that I know I do well...but it doesn't pay me well. I cannot be satisfied by it because it doesn't financially do what it should.Nothing is the same as it was before. Suddenly, I can no longer walk this particular path. I feel out of control to ask for what I want. But I have been pushed so far, that now, I must confront what I want. I am actually afraid to say what I want. I thought that I was saying what I want all the time. But to me, I kept getting pieces of what I want. I make lists. I think about this question all the time. I make decisions like anyone else, constantly. Yet somehow, this year...what I want and what I say and feel I want just seemed slightly out of synch, kind of like the registration on a photograph being off. The picture becomes fuzzy and blurry. I ask myself, where is the path to me? I am always present with myself, but am I always aware of how much I desire? Or hurt? or rail against how things are going? I don't mean throwing tantrums like a child. I am trying to get to the crux of what I find I cannot articulate without pushing and prodding myself. I am determined to find my own answers to me. I can be so appropriate for the world. Dress well, sound polished. Be on point. I know that I hide messy behavior...like getting angry publicly, or not caring about whether I may say something thoughtless. That one, that's a big no,no in this world right now. Lol.This is getting quite long. I shall make this a two part thing.

stop the world for a moment

This week I promised myself that I would take a few days off from checking Facebook. But I had something to do for someone, so I had no choice but to check their message.In so doing, I came across some sad news about the death of a colleague. I had no idea that he was battling Cancer. This guy was a really lovely person. He was quite young, not yet thirty. But last year he got married, and he had had a child before getting married, and then had one after he got married. Somehow though, I never saw him as moving too fast in his life. To me he seemed to be one of the smart ones. He knew what he wanted and he was doing it with a smile every day. Tonight, I remember him with great admiration. I cannot imagine the void he has left with his wife, children and family. What I do know is that I shall never forget him. Appreciate what he came to do, however brief he was here. He made some impression on me. Grieving is a process. There is no way to get "over' it. You live with it. Some days are better than others, and eventually the person settles into the back of your mind leaving moments to remember them by. However, for now, the pain is sharpened dull at the same time. I feel so much loss this year. So much personal loss. This shall not be the last time either, as those I love are all getting on in years. It doesn't get any easier, and easy in not going to happen, ever where this is concerned. I know that with my partner, there have been days when I know that it would be so good to dial his number. We spoke every day, sometimes several times a day, coming down to the end of his life. One good thing about this passing, I have to write, is that he had fun down to the last. I am so happy to be able to write that. Nothing has upset me more with the deaths that I have experienced recently, than the fact that so many spent their last weeks and months in conflict and pain. He was in pain as well, but he had established so much love and certainty into the world he created. I could not let today pass and not remember him.

Today someone I just met mentioned her Facebook page being hacked. Her friend then casually said that she has hacked the pages of others.The conversation quickly went to your attitude about your own information. The "Hacker" said that the point was to not be blackmailed by your own property. Feeling ashamed was completely overrated. What I liked about the observations was that it is in many ways akin to what happens with negative self talk. One can get so invested in a belief system that even if a solution is found, hesitation occurs. Tonight I felt the need to literally snap myself out of some negative thinking. I was happy to hear myself get right on all of the crap I was thinking.What generally gets me in the relationship stuff. Work stuff, I don't take as much to heart. I am uptight. Some of my views contradict my behavior and challenge me no end. I am tired. Tired of the results. Tired of everything being topsy turvy. Tired. I am happy with y work. I am not as happy with the renumerations. But that can be worked out. What's happening now is my determination to work on my inner and outer thinking/expectation.

clarity

The Caribbean has gone through a great deal since the hurricanes, Irma, Jose and Marie. Amidst all of that, I have been going through all sorts of things as well. But most of all, I am very pleased to write tonight that anxiety and doubt are not among my thoughts. In fact, in the few moments when I have been able to feel clarity, I have relished the experience. Now is such a time. I had been going over some recurring thoughts...but this time, I knew that I would find breadcrumbs in the things I watched, listened to and allowed my body to react to. I knew that I was still learning from my experience in March. I also knew that it wasn't about 'him' but he was the catalyst. How else would I pay attention? It has been fascinating. It takes discipline to not get sucked and suckered into one way of thinking, particularly when what you feel is chemical in nature, and for centuries, training and nurture makes one think that there is only one way to behave. Powerful emotions cloud the mind. However,one can also observe them. Having powerful emotions does not mean that you have to lose yourself, or that you will lose yourself in another. The ideal experience to me, is meeting someone who recognizes you in the same way that you recognize them.You both arrive at a place where you are responsible for you. The other person is responsible for themself. There is no need for game playing because there is no need to feel vulnerable. For me, it feels like it has been a long road. I have been very good at concealment. It has taken me a long time, a great deal of patience to crack open my feelings. I love making lists, so I have found comfort in my own patterns. I didnt even acknowledge that I could not receive the things I claimed to want, because I didn't really want the responsibilities of them. My experiences were actually such that I could write something on my list like...a partner. But, I am still sad and angry about losing the partner that meant the world to me. So, my list is genuine, but my inner and outer are at odds. I could state that this is damn inconvenient, because I thought that all I had to do is affirm what I want and just go after it. But because what happened in March happened as it did, I cant make the same old pronouncements of the past. I would even go further and say that in 2017, I can state that this experience in March is an anomaly. It went completely counter to all of my patterns. Life really is easier than I have believed. Tonight I can see how much it is. Have a plan that is foremost and make it happen. Love life. See worry as pointless. Be kind, be confident. Be happy. When I feel sad, be sad. Feelings happen, holding to them is the problem. I would say that this year I confronted sides of myself that I do not show often. I have also confronted that my contradictory behavior does not mean that something is very wrong with me. I have to embrace everything. The work that I am doing now is necessary to achieving what I truly desire for myself ultimately.

Hurricane Irma

at the end...

Someone I cared about and knew for several decades died unexpectedly last week. I was fortunate because they were in the hospital for a few days and I got to comfort them before they breathed their last. I'd never done something like that before, and that has made a significant impact on me. It has me asking what is the point of life? What is the point of some of the choices we make? I know that the best choices are made in the moment, more than half thought out one, or rolling dice. I feel so out of sorts with this death. It is an end of an era as it were. It means the end of many things I had grown accustomed to. It seems that 2017 has been filled with such experiences. I have been shaken from my comfort zones in very seismic ways. Its as though I was not aware that certain parts of my experience was gathering dust. The hardest thing has been the dis-orientation that I have experienced. Although, I know that I have that to do what I do next, which is contemplate what it means to me. In this instant, there is no going back. Everything has now changed. It is not that I don't honor change, it is that this experience opens up what I have to consider in the next few years, starting now. Life has proven itself to be so fleeting. I have all of these memories of talks, and dinners, and jokes and serious issues poured out over the phone. Nothing is promised. Nothing. It may be too early to try to find answers for myself, as, as I write I see how raw all of this still is for me. What is the point of all of this upheaval? Is it preparing me for the things I have stated I desire for so very long now? Is it that the only way forward is through such trial? Do I dare look at these things that way? Suppose that they are for the best and are actually godsends? Who is to know? One moment your talking to someone and the next they may be in the hospital or at deaths door. The uncertainty is challenging. To me, things have speeded up, if I am to ask myself what this death teaches me. Things have speeded up. I am unsure about my very existence, how much time do I have to do the things I want to do? My attitude has to change? If I complemented my creativity, I now have to pitch my skills out of the ballpark. If I felt I had plans for the next year, two, three, five, eight, ten, fifteen, twenty and so on, I need to think even better and ballsier than that! If I desire to have good investments, I have to be more aggressive about it. If I desire love,I have to go after it. I'm hurting, hurting about this death, and I'm saying to myself that I have to make my life count more than ever, to honor that death. Yet again, someone I love spent their last months in pain. They didn't spend it as they wanted to. That's hard for me to take. WHat's more, these shake ups confuse me, as if I am not confused enough most of the time. I find that things that I dismiss out of hand, I now must take a look at them. I find also that my logic is not the only thing I can rely upon any more, as exclusive as I would like to, and that makes me a bit uncomfortable. I don't think that my instinct is working as well as it should, but then, I am not sure that its not for some things, I am spot on. I am thus,conscious of what I feel in the moment. I am uber observant. I listen. I slow my reaction down. I speak less. My mind races at night. I go back and forth about some issues and try to see what I understand certain things to be now. I take my emotional temperature often, and I try my best to be honest with myself. It is a process, and I am indeed a work.

F*ck, yeh

Irreverent title, irreverent, intemperate, kick ass thought. Dream, and dream big! Expect what you want. Set up in your mind that it is already yours to have. Don't worry about how improbable it may be. Just believe it completely and let it go. What do you have to lose? It sure beats the alternative. The speculation, the dumbing yourself down.The hiding yourself away, making yourself small. I just looked at a short video on the contrast between North and South Korea. It looks like what I was just writing...on one side, people looking happy and free and the other side. completely regimented. So which one will it be? The red pill or the blue pill? When I do my yearly introspection, I always find that I should have had more fun and less worry.I berate myself for allowing my mind to be in a funk, doldrums...fear...you name it. Why did I obsess about this or that? Why didn't I shake it off and just go for the best thoughts! When I read biographies of Artists, Writers and other luminary people, I always wish that I could see and know more about their work. When I read about their struggles with their lives, it is their creations that move me. I think that I focus that way for my own sake as well.To me, the energy behind what you bring into existence is an amazing thing. When I travel, I look at people passing by. I get an inkling of who they are, or what they may be doing as a career. I wonder about whether their life is good for them? Are they at the peak of their lives? Or are they struggling? This year, I had moments where I vacillated between doing or not doing specific things. I really wanted an answer to shift that position I put myself in, as it was driving me a bit round the bend. Make up your goddamn mind! In the past I would make a list of pros and cons. But in this instance, the list was evenly wighted! Agh! I would talk myself into a no for a whole day, and then revert to a yes the next! Eventually, I decided to experiment with exploring the intentions behind no only and then yes only. It took a bit of time, but it was helpful to not stare down either position. I left the decision, being able to do so, and the oddest thing happened...I found that it was actually a question put to myself about my own strengths and challenges. It had to do with perception and belief that something can or cannot be done. Once I exploded such narrow viewpoints, I actually liberated myself to say no or yes with conviction.

expectations

When I was a child, I remember asking a favorite uncle for a rabbit. I think that I hassled him about it too. He was really sweet to me, but I didn't get the rabbit and when finally I realized that it may not happen, I remember that I told myself that perhaps asking for a pet when I never even took care of a fish, might be for the best. I remember that so vividly because I believe that ever since then, I have always had that attitude. I believe that I don't really bemoan what I cannot have. In high school I had a beautiful large sticker with the saying; "If you love something set it free...if it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was." I used to get questioned on that sticker. People would know their heads and say, hmmm, deep. Lol. Sometimes it takes more than old habits or sayings to minimize disappointment or expectations. Here is where you bring out the big philosophical guns...It's not meant to be, or, It's for the best. You hope that that would calm and soothe your hurting, yearning heart. There is nothing for some unfulfilled desire. Affirmations, prayer, begging? This is just how it is. Hopefully something else will come along and take your mind off of whatever it is that made your heart race. Perhaps you may be fortunate and what you felt you wanted was nothing, next to what is coming your way. You tell yourself. But, why is it that reward is all that drives us? The search for constant gratification? We discourage our children from it, but we all secretly and not so secretly are impacted by it. Of course we all want nice things, nice experiences...n i c e. with all the horrors in the world, we desperately need a lot of nice. we 'deserve' to have it. It is so funny. It is as though every character trait we have as human beings can be turned on its head, negative. There is no winning with anything we do. Our lives are incremental moments of, nice. But, none of us would change a thing for it.

It has been a tumultuous year. When I state that, I must be careful of the word, as it can always become even greater than that in the future. However, it is the right word, as this year, it appeared as though in the lives of my family and those around me, nothing was as it seemed. Life happened, but somehow everything felt speeded up, closer to the surface. Personally, things that I took completely for granted as a matter of course, was no longer a matter of course. In fact it was as though I were experiencing an upside down world. Comfortable belief structures became incapable of holding. Even the weather has been challenging. Amidst all of this, is my ever increasing awareness of time and how fleeting life is. How much things change, and how much I do not hold the answers to the things I seek. I have been greatly humbled, like a Boxer, yet, I never felt prize fighting in nature. I have nonetheless felt successes along the way. What lays in wait for me? My family? Our future? By extension, all those I have touched and shall touch in the future? I remember more than a decade ago, I felt that perhaps there may be safety in not making any new acquaintance. Perhaps, I thought, it would shield me from the pain of loss. "When nothing is certain, Anything is possible." Is a saying I love. It has helped me through the years from when I first heard it. It is like the saying, " It is what it is." Such words formed in a sentence has had the power to quiet my anxious heart. This year, I have felt as though stark reality, like a bright light has been shone on my face, and I am squinting, because, there is unexpected raw drama, and it is not coming from the usual places, but concocted in the air. It is fate or some such thing that is testing in an undefinable way. So, I want to believe in what i have believed, but like a hurricane or a tornado, it has torn me away from my footing. I have been left discombobulated, giddy. I don't know what I am dealing with and I have to dig very, very deeply to find myself again. Yet, after so much violence, like the pressure to create a diamond, I have held glimpses of beauty. At least I have had moments within myself to capture it.

Lord have mercy

I have not been able to sign in to this blog for an age!SO much has happened. Most of all, I am relieved to finally be here. I shall just state this for now.

The worldwind feelings that just engulfed me was such that I had a choice to make. I loomed between acceptance and sentimentality. Eventually I decided that it made the most sense to allow my feelings to just happen. Trying to struggle between the two was tiresome and pointless, I was getting nowhere. I do not know what the future may hold. What I do know is what I hold in this moment. Usually I have wanted to be the person who stays in the mind. Now, I am the person whose mind is staying on a certain person. I was profoundly affected, and I have not known what to do with myself ever since. So, I have come to this blog as a way to make sense of my feelings. The ego is never cut and dried. It is known that the forbidden or the unavailable interests you more, and this may be all there is to my attitude right now. I acknowledge it completely. I have looked at things logically, and when I have, I can dismiss my sentimentality, but I have not been able to dismiss it out of hand. When someone says the things you have longed to hear, and they lavish the attention that you have not received,to me, that has been a powerful thing. I was affected. So much so, that I want to believe that we shall meet again, in a better place where the things said to me can be made true. They felt so sincere, that I would like them to be as they sounded to me. That is my human frailty speaking.That is my wanting closure. That is my wanting a happy ending. That is hope against all odds and that is clinging to an illusion, fully blown. The reality is that I have to leave well enough alone. The reality is that no news is good news and whatever I am being shielded from is a mercy. I have been left with the best of the person. I just do not know what to do with this energy. I feel it, and it engulfs me, and I don't know how to shut off what I was made to feel? Bob Marley has an excellent quote that their is no greater crime than to open a woman's heart only to play with it later. Yet, I have felt that I have had this happen to me over and over again.Perhaps I have been thinking about this all wrong. What am I to learn here? Prior to this ending, I struggled with the belief that I could have what I dearly wanted. I felt so wretched and undeserving, I knew that I had to do some serious work before I could relax in the knowledge that happiness has not eluded me. What I must do is to continue to put forth the best feelings about myself and know that love is not a booby prize and something that I cannot aquire. Everyone is allowed love...including, me.

two-clearing the dust

The constant demand for more,do more,give me more...I could not bear it anymore. I saw no need for a relationship. I concluded that I was better alone. I thought that all that would happen is that I would keep getting the same man in different guises. I was skeptical underneath all the hopes I had written about what I said so many times I wanted. I didn't actually believe that "he" existed. I have always said that I exist, so he is out there existing too. I do believe that. But that is not enough, the inner and outer must agree. Now, I understand. I get it. What I wanted, I had to give it to myself, and what I felt with him was a reflection of myself. That is why I believed that I had met 'the one," and perhaps I did meet him. He however had other plans. He also has no idea how much he has impacted my life. No idea at all. That is a bit jokey and a little sad in a way, that someone could do that and have no idea. All the things said was so beautiful,so fulfilling. So etched in promise. To have touched heaven was amazing. It was about acceptance of the person no matter what. It was willingness to come together and be "us.' Imagine, an US? I was not afraid to say us and we and yet I hadn't had to give up anything of myself because I was completely open. It was because I was made vulnerable, I could receive. WTF! That blew my mind. I had no fear. I had certainty. For all who have felt that, what a tremendous gift indeed.

Clearing the dust

It took some work, and I will not say that I am at 100% as yet, but I am getting there. Love is an extremely powerful force. I felt something so life changing in such a short time. It did not last, but it has changed the way I look at things, perhaps forever. I saw things about myself that I could not articulate any other way until that moment. I did not realize what an uphill battle I waged. I have had relationships in the past, very long relationships. But I didn't realize that somehow, I was never really in love? I was asked whether I would go to the 'jungle' with that person and I didn't hesitate. I had never been asked that before, but I have to admit that I would never answer yes to anyone before? How was this possible? What happened to suddenly make me react as I did? It was something that appears small, but it was deeply impactful. His simple act of giving felt so complete. It took me by surprise and it also unbalanced me. I could not believe that for once, someone was actually giving. Not taking. I had become so accustomed to the latter, that I didn't even know how to act. I was momentarily confused. My knee-jerk reaction was to offer a compromise, and the response at that time was, we have all the time in the world. It sounded like a luxurious statement. I don't want to get down from the cloud that I felt I was on. I continue to just want to describe how I felt. There was a sense of easy, of comfort. A feeling of knowing, and knowing the person as if forever. I also thought that my feelings were being mirrored, as though everything I was emoting, he was feeling it in the same way. It was singly the most profound adult experience of my life. It terrified and elated me at the same time. I saw myself as I always do, as separate and apart, yet also as a partner with this person. I felt as though I could do anything. Issues that had been annoying me and challenging me for ages, just slipped away, unobserved. I no longer felt stumped by anything I thought about that seemed a problem. Even in the face of his issues, I felt that I could and 'we' would meet the issues head on. I had no doubts at all. I knew that I and 'we' could just take things one step at a time.I also felt a deep desire to get to know him and let him know me through conversations that we would make time for. I felt so happy. Then, I was faced, like Icarus with a sudden realization that I was crashing to Earth. Very quickly the clouds parted and the earth no longer seemed friendly. I was coming into cold reality. I had to dig deep and look at all of the things I have told myself and agreed about and internalized. I got to this place with my eyes wide open. But I didn't know that I was still healing, and I certainly didn't know how much healing I needed...and as a saying I recently read goes, " Love doesn't find you a success, love finds you in a mess." Is so accurate. I fought very hard with my doubts to be able to feel happy. You see, not only had I not experienced love for real, I also hadn't experienced being fully accepted for all of me. When I thought about how could I have fallen so hard, so fast, and I knew that it was because he was so giving...the dam broke and I saw just how much I have given, and given and given in every relationship I have had. To the point where I hid a lot of myself. This is why The Towers's behavior was so intolerable for me. He was able to show me exactly what I did not and could not want. -end of part 1-

in conclusion

Sometimes I could feel thrown to the wolves, sometimes I could feel that no amount of trying mattered. I am my own complex bubble of elements making up who I am, and I have to be gentler on my soul. It may take a moment to feel settled again, and to project better. I faced a lot of emotions coming at me at once. What I need to write is a clear statement about what happens now. Clearly a lot of cobweb has been cleared from my mind. I am looking toward much better on every level of my life now. I have had enough of the taking a thimble to a waterfall and saying thank you for sustaining me. I ask now. I get centered and I know to say, hey, yes, I intend on doing many things in my life and here is what I require to do it. Love, commitment,joy,health,money,peace of mind...whatever it is...I am ready and grateful for it all.

and oh...

It was so odd, I had been listening to affirmations, and then wrote a whole lot of shit about my ex and hooking up and then researching the cons of even considering something like that...and BAM, I literally bumped into someone who marked me, and had a play down pat for seducing me. It is kinda hilarious and cosmically crappy all at once. Here I am, just keeping away from any semblance of a relationship. I see myself as a failure for having tried. I stopped doing anything about anyone coming around me, and no one had. Then this person shows up and I feel all lovey dovey. I was floating on a cloud for a hot minute. The way I found myself feeling should be bottled. I didn't even know a man could make me feel that way! I wonder now if that was me, him, us or just chemistry (lust) Who wouldn't want to feel those things! Shit! People feel it every day and go on to have relationships. I so wanted to feel all of that. I hadn't felt that way in an extremely long, long,long time. In the last century actually. That sort of connection, where you want to see the person again, and you want to talk with them late at night. You like touching them for no reason whatsoever. You just feel that you know them. Your physical connection is bananas! Your out of control and you love it! You suddenly want to go and do all sorts of things that you normally would say no to. You project that person and yourself into the future, seeing them from a happy place. When ones life is filled with work and how to get a better salary, and debts as the thing you wake up to every day, it is very easy for a moment to want those fluffy clouds.Want to believe that the dreamy looking person telling you the sensual things you want to hear is not a murdering, psychopathic, bisexual, polygamous whore. But a divine creature, a lotto win in a world filled with booby prized, severely flawed people who don't seem to change. Yet, everyone seems peered off with the right person and damn happy because Facebook and Instagram keep making them look that way...so its only you who happens to be the odd man out. Your the problem. Lol. I saw many things differently in the last few weeks because of the "love flu" that I had for that hot minute.Suddenly my ex didn't seem such an issue to bother my pretty little head about. I had a delicious distraction. My circumstances became bearable. I was focusing on the future, hard! I was feeling all mellow,and pretty and happy and dancing around inside my head. It was divine. I even found that I didn't feel like eating at all...and when I did, it was something super healthy. This was good. As good as good can get. I began to see myself anew. I could move out, I could work with this dazzling person who bumped into me...and we could do a whole lot of stuff together because it was now WE as opposed to me and him. I was actually feeling all of that fushizzle. My mind felt so awake. After using it for so much worry and anxiety for so damn long, it felt cleaned out and replaced with pastel colors. Lol. I searched all the spaces in my thoughts for things that stumped me or felt bad and hurtful and came up with every exotic flower and a smile instead. It was fucking awesome!!! Who could have thought it! Certainly not me. I am writing it down because I really don't want to forget it. There are things that I want to retain and use and duplicate if I can. I don't know what life has to offer, but for a moment, I could see that everything can change in such an amazing way and I want to keep on that road.

realizations

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing on this planet? What my consciousness is meant for. Everyone wonders this of course. But sometimes for me, I get really down in the philosophy of things because of the way things may turn out. A few weeks ago I bumped into someone, or they bumped into me, and I thought that I might just have been struck by Eros, or at least one of the cherubs. For whatever reason, they said and did everything to reel me in, and on top of everything else they were also quite physically appealing...ok, hot! I admit it. I am so loathe to admit that! Long story short, it was a hook up. I wasn't sure about it, but that is what it was. I know, I should know what a hook up looks like, but I don't. I never had a hook up in high school or in college for that matter. Now, I am kinda relieved that it was what it was because it would have been difficult to factor this guy into my life in any real way. But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that there were some things that I really, really like and would like more of in my life.The BEST parts of it of course, cause now I am on my guard again about what I say and what I mean! I was extremely attracted to the confidence. That hit it out of the ballpark for me. No doubt about it. Loved that! I loved the talking to me in present and present continuous! Real slick of this player, no doubt. I loved the eye contact and the really settling in to listen to me and act like what I was saying actually mattered. Lol. I loved the calling and sounding really sensual on the phone and saying the right amount of things...not too much, like how are you? How was your day? Your job, your family... the expected stuff, but again, said from the standpoint of warmth in the interest. His sexting game was delicious, but I didn't get to experience much of it. But the little that I did was wonderful. Part of me finds it hard to be putting myself out there to meet anyone. The flip side of all of this roses and birdies was that I had super moments of vulnerability. Suddenly questioning myself on all levels for whether I am good enough, and that was painful. I am still sort of dealing with that. I would say that that would have made it impossible to have let the hook up happen at all, it could because I worked at suspending my negative self talk. I still have work to do about that. That is why I am here tonight. This negative attitude that I am carrying around now is a bore. I am really fed up with myself where this is concerned. I have so many things to do that matter to me, and this is getting in the way of having a happy time at anything. I am self conscious, I am bogged down with negative expectations underneath all of the real work that I am doing to do better, and I am exhausted. I realized that today when I actually took a nap at one o'clock in the afternoon. I attracted a smoking hot player and we hooked up. Does that sound like I am all those dreadful things I tell myself? Can I use those two opposites in a sentence and justify myself? That was kinda wack?! That was downright silly. I feel as I do, and I have written this before...I feel this way because of the gradual whittling down of my character by people I loved and care about. The other self criticisms are cosmetic things that truly I can manage in time, and if I am unappealing to others because of it, then, so be it. I don't believe that they are so severe that I should become a shut in. Furthermore, I see so many people with their odd, quirky issues and I don't hold it against them, so I believe that my discomfort has to do with long term criticism. Now said, I learned from this 'player' that I am ready to have relationships. I finally got past the resistance. He was so good at his game that I actually thought that it might not be a hook up but a real possible romantic something, something that could develop...with a lot of work, but still. Lol. Again, this is getting a bit long, so I shall continue this in the next post.

turvy topsy

Whatever vibe sent me to this site awhile back, and had me speculating about a man coming into my life in the future...well, there is one that has just literally bumped into me, and although its very new, he is already making it clear to me that he wants to set a big impression about himself. This situation has me confronting some things that tell me that it is very easy to write all that I wrote in theory, but a real live guy in my presence is nothing like it was with The Towers and Frequent Flyer. I think that in both those cases, I could be more cavalier because I had no expectations. Now, because of those experiences, I am filled with thoughts of what I do not want to experience. My first thought is, you don't fucking know me,so, how can you be so enthusiastic and persuasive? I get instantly suspicious. As I think makes perfect sense.What is he seeing is my first thought, and then I stop, because there shall be NO I wonder what he's thinking... with me this time. That's an old construct. This person shows me that I have come to a place where I am not going to jump when I have feelings that are fed...my ego fed. I am writing this now because I see from a different perspective now. This guy bumps into me, he has a lovely singing voice and you can't ignore how he looks.He also has his lyrics down very well.It also turns out that we are in similar creative fields. I put the breaks on at the fact that he's like twelve years younger than I. I start going down a list of why I do not want to know anyone who isn't going to take the time to be my friend, and clearly that takes time. The early meetings, the calling, texting, the degree of comfort felt... The belief that the person is living up to the image that you have in your mind of what this illusive perfect partner should look and act like.Are all in play, all in the consciousness. I can see now that when people meet, there is a degree of belief that has nothing to do with the person. That person is put in a halo. So, damn, people start from a very unrealistic place. Knowing this means for me that it is important to not encourage a man to get all fast and loose with you. Whatever the attraction or pull, it does not mean that I want to ignore all of the delicious sensations newness can bring. it is just that I am automatically cautious, and I have the experience now to ask myself, in what way is this man coming into my life now? Who am I now? What body of thoughts brought him floating into my life? Those are the things that I am looking at now, and I am also looking at what I do want, and have said I want, against who is coming into my life now. I am also doing this compare and contrast with my goals against my plans. In this instance where work is concerned, I like, because I can hone my short and medium term options. The day I met this new person...and I stated awhile back that I would stop giving people nicknames, but I need to give him one. Let me think. Lol. I checked his birthday because he checked my site and decided to talk to me about it...quite ballsy I have to say...so, he isn't moving true to form of that sign. I need to just write and ponder what is coming through me right now.

Between yesterday and today, I have had a few experiences that I want to put here. I saw the guy again and he let me know that he was not trying to pressure me, and that no one has to know our business...etc, etc. It was so awkward that I was not in a position to tell him that I was not interested in going out with him. Then this afternoon, I actually saw him on my way home. I never see him when I am traveling! I had a long meeting to go to that lasted from eleven to three-thirty. I did not expect it to go that long, and I met someone at the meeting who turned out to be very interesting. She started an online business, and we chatted all the way to my stop. Then, as I was getting out of the station to get a taxi, there was a guy walking behind me, a bit in my personal space. I turned to look at him because he was singing and his voice was quite lovely. He was very close to me as I mentioned before, and I got the opportunity to actually look at him. He was very striking, tall, with distinctive eyes. I needed to do something across the street and saw a friend of mine and we got into a bit of a chat, so when I crossed the street again, I was not expecting him to suddenly appear and give me a big complement. It was unusual. I felt so odd that I began to laugh. Then I returned his complement by telling him that he has a nice singing voice. He was outrageously flirting with me. I felt as though I was in an alternative universe, it was so instant. We stood talking and he asked me for my number, but I took his instead. Then I felt someone looking at me. I turned and it was my sisters ex-boyfriend who is here for a week from New York. I introduced him and then he and I started catching up. I got into a taxi finally, and he did as well. He did not pay for me and I did not stop out at my house. It had been a very emotionally intense day, the weather and then the people I dealt with today...it was a lot. I felt like I needed a moment to process everything. Meeting that guy, I don't know what to make of it? Is he sincere? The amount of attention paid me...and the asking for my number, just like yesterday too, where I did not give him my number either...I know what to expect, and I bring my experience to the moment. I told the guy today that I would not give him my number because I am working and I am divorced and not interested in meeting men right now. He was not deterred by my statement. He was quite smooth, telling me that he was taken with me and would like to just talk with me more, and get to know me. Ok. You are laying it on, aren't you! Men do one of two things where I am concerned, they either come on real strong or they try to play it low key in an attempt to seem cool. I know that I can engage any man in a conversation where I leave him interested to speak to me again. I can discuss almost any topic you throw at me, and I am a listener, so that and eye contact followed by actually finding their jokes funny...that does it. That is not an issue that I have with men. I like men. I am not intimidating or stuck up, so I am very relaxed and myself. My issue comes when a man is not being straight with me when we are getting to know each other...as happened with The Towers. He spent years Skyping me and then sent mixed messages that were just exhausting and damn boring...completely time wasting. My experience today brought up for me some issues that I have to deal with about myself. This guy seemed overly exuberant. He didn't seem insincere, but my experiences have really left me more jaded than I thought I was. I do not know what it would take to make me comfortable? Perhaps it would have to be a very, very slow movement to friendship, where he really shows me who he is. I wouldn't want to be judging the person, looking and expecting something that I need to red flag. My experiences have been that a great deal of time is spent knowing each other...talking a lot,going out...at my age, men have sex clearly imprinted on their faces. Its kinda sad actually. I can't get used to that fact. Thinking that the Architect and I could become friends in the vein of my deceased partner was the last disappointment. I clearly still believe in love and have my views of it. But actually going through relationships, is something else altogether, and that is what I am writing about now.

indeed grateful

Leave it all behind. Focus on what I am to build. Forget that noise. Be too busy being and doing what it is I want to do to be great for myself and my child. Have fun. See everything as a benefit to me. I even said to myself that, in an alternate universe, my "Y' and I are blissfully happy and in another, we never met. The multiverse is such a beautiful, convenient thing. It would be very satisfying for it to be the true theory of everything. It would mean that there is actually no reason to regret, because somewhere else in the space time continuum, I have achieved , surpassed and never experienced what i am facing in this life. That knowledge gets all of us if you think about it, off the hook where carrying around guilt, shame, anxiety, sadness etc can be a constant. It puts a perspective on things that without it, makes everything we presently do in this life...life. It says that death is transitory. Whatever I am holding to strongly in this world is fleeting and time is a construct and not linear at all. Life is a mindfuck, so stop filling your head with tidbits, don't make life a fast food meal. Savor it instead.

very grateful

This evening my "Y" husband was supposed to drop our child to me. I was out, but wrote him to suggest that as I was quite close to where he lives, he could pick me up and we proceed to my house. He writes me back and says that I don't seem to understand how much he dislikes being in my presence, so no, he won't pick me up and he's changing everything around to another day. This man has said and done so many ridiculous things, but this one is really a head scratcher. Also tonight, I dealt with another person behaving really foolish around me. But this time, I know that neither issue is about me, although I am observing them. What I did tonight was weigh the situation for once. I could step all the way back, and all the way out of the frame. I asked myself, as I have only ever really looked at it for other people or in movies and literature...I can change my vibration. I don't have to settle for this. this experience and follow up that can go on, as it has gone on for years and years. I don't have to accept this life as I am believing it is today. I am absolutely free to make of my life what I damn well deserve. Something about his absurd behavior helped with this positioning, because at first I searched to find whether I felt a twinge of hurt. Then, I asked myself, why should I feel that way? After the hypothetical question that I out to myself yesterday...the answer was that somehow, I hold him in some regard. How could I do such a think to someone who is so reprehensible? It made it easier to see it for what it was. What I wrote yesterday really helped considerably. Holding someone who treats you badly in a lofty place is to miss yourself. Why did I have that sad inkling to want to give him any regard at all? As he refuses to give any to me? Was I really that badly off in my thinking? No. I was not. I could work my way through the momentary stall, and I did. As I called out to my higher self, I very effortlessly saw the illusion for what it was. His being a bully, I was caving in through fear...I don't want to be disliked...the other person I mentioned from tonight helped me reach this conclusion. My "Y" and the person whom I shall call 'the Architect," because they played this hand on this night, I was able to stand on my own two feet and rebuke the nonsense that in another time would have made me feel that something was wrong with me, and I had to work out why I was drawing such people to me. My perspective now, as I contemplated what happened, is that I don't have to stand for it. My higher self is literally shedding the skin or limitation here. I don't have to settle. I don't have to write things like my "Y" represented the most important emotional relationship to me...and believe that that means that I cannot move on, or cannot find someone that will make my hesitation to move on from him look like the most absurd decision I have ever made! I am not stuck, he is. I have no reason to tell him the things he lets trip from his tongue. My only concern is that our child has chosen to come into this when I felt that I knew a better man the one I now deal with. He is not going to get my energy. he's not going to little me down to being bitter or lose focus. His is a tired, pathetic game. No use can come of it. I pray that he does not damage his health too severely, because that behavior isn't about me and all about him. I think the Architect and I thank him and I thank all of the people who in their perceived negative attitude towards me are actually helping point my way out of this reality that does not suit me anymore. Thank you, thank you. i can move on. Thank you.

Dear future boyfriend

That's the name of a Tumblr that is oh so cute. I wrote that because I decided to Google something that was highlighted in that article I just posted. If someone were looking for me, what they be saying? Interesting question...intelligence, humor,elegance,creativity,good health, very attractive (wink,wink) fun to be with, loves travel, open minded and loving. Waw...that is a bit different from the list I would prepare for someone new. I thought that The Towers had everything I always had on my list, and he did. Except he was also so far from the list where it mattered most, it is the most unusual experience I have ever had wth someone who pursued me. My list was and in some instances, still includes...extremely intelligent, very attractive, funny, honest, caring,self sufficient both emotionally and financially...that one's new for obvious reasons. I could possibly think of other things, but that's it for now. My best friend as I mentioned before was the ideal partner, and that was because I really hold friendship in high regard. Anyone I am attracted to, I would expect to develop a friendship with them. I believe that once that can be done, then a relationship can happen easily. I have mentioned a partner. We mutually respect what the other does for a living, we are supportive of the other and want the other to succeed. What's why the word partner matters to me. This makes the person dependable, reliable, trustworthy and considerate. Someone to enjoy as a dear friend also deceased said to me. Someone who loves having fun, laughing and doing things on the spur of the moment from time to time. Willing to try new things and to not take himself too seriously. That would be lovely. I am not writing anything that I would not do myself. A sensual, sexy guy. I love writing little notes and doing some unexpected things that I have never been able to do yet! I shall leave that list for another post. I believe that I have also written before that whomever the person will be, clearly it would be someone who wants to be in a relationship and wants to work at making it matter in their life. I have written a lot tonight! Waw, I did not expect to. it shall be interesting to read all of this back one of these days.

Epilogue

Could my "Y' be my jump off? Ok...now that I have stopped laughing hysterically...could I make an arrangement with him for us to be exclusively the others 'person for sex?" I understand that people do it all the time! Listen to me, like its a done deal! After all that I wrote before, including that the man and I don't even speak amicably. But I am not letting that be a problem. Ha,ha,ha. I literally just Googled it. Waw, what I just read was great! Here are some points-:If you must really know the truth, having sex with an ex rarely ends up as sweet and enjoyable as you think. It may just be the chemicals in our bodies, or something deeper, but almost always, an attachment is formed with an ex after sex, where you’d be left with mixed feelings. One part of you would just want to fall in love with your ex again, while the other part knows the relationship can’t really last. Mostly, at some point, you’d have to choose between your ex and your present amore, or you may just end up having an affair. I hope you do remember this is your ex we’re talking about. There’s a reason the relationship didn’t work out the first time around. It takes a certain amount of control to judge a sex buddy a.k.a. ex lover as something purely physical and nothing more. An occasional hook up now and then has every chance of blooming into a passionate relationship. And let’s face it, do you really think you can survive the romance together with all the differences coming up all over again? It’s not easy to leave emotions out of the picture. You may think you’re James Bond or one of his lusty women who can just swing, jump and walk away without a second look, but walking out of your ex’s bedroom wouldn’t be easy. Feelings and hopes of a second chance start springing up now and then, and with each round of good sex, you can’t help but think “hey, the sex is awesome, should I give this relationship another go?” Are both of you surely out of love? Fat chances are, one of you may still be in love with the other, and keep it a secret. This is especially true in recent break ups where one partner is ready to accept anything just to have more contact with the ex. This sort of a relationship is the worst, because everything starts to spiral around lust and love, and it tends to get nasty when one of you wants out. Even otherwise, old wounds open up, and very soon, both of you would be left wondering “are we having a fling or have we got back together?!” Remember, having sex with an ex is hot, but as with everything else that’s exceptionally good, there are several snappy reactions that can come into the picture. As tempting as it can be, focus on why you broke up with your ex in the first place. And if you have to be friends, try not to think of them as moving sex toys. It may feel nice at first, but it only takes a few passionate nights together in bed to bring back the old memories of a love that never was, and a few more nights of carnal abuse to mess your world up. Sound advice indeed. It may seem convenient. But, this casual thing that i have wondered about it anything but. I would have to literally do a wam, bam, thank you sir with him. I would also have to make it literally a hook up where it cannot become a regular thing, or else feelings would come into play tut sweet!! And hearing about what a bitch I am would sour the whole thing in a heartbeat and leave me angry that i even considered it to begin with. I am glad that I read that.

Part II

Yes, so, I remember many years ago, falling out with a friend of mine and we didn't speak for years. When we finally spoke again, I remember thinking how damn boring it was. It was as though she had not moved on at all. She had the same stories to tell, she said the same phrases. I know I sound like an ass, but this diary is for my truth, so too bad. I probably sounded the damn same way to her, so there. It made me acutely aware that you can't go home again. I also doubled back with my first ex, but didn't find lack of growth per say with him, just a spineless individual who I unfortunately still find myself glossing over every day when I ask myself wtf was I thinking!!! But, yeh, my "Y' husband, I do find myself thinking about why I have not been able to successfully move forward where he is concerned. For starters, we were in court. That kept me in one place. There are some physical reminders that keep him literally smoothed up against me like a glass is separating us but I can see him in some compartmentalized box. Lol. He has made certain that he is as unpleasant as he can possibly be. He has sent not a smudge, not an inkling of a suggestion that he has a shred of good feelings for me. Apart from some of his actions. Now, that sounds hilarious. I know...but he says horrendous things, but he has been kind in some of his actions over the years. Yet, his words trump his actions. I suppose that his actions keep me hopeful that he will eventually put down the pose and be a better guy??? Maybe, but who has time for that!! Also, who wants someone who has been like that as well??? This is the equivalent to extreme bias ht you because they like you bullshit!!! No, this boy hits me because he's an asshole!! He needs to come correct and check his damn self!! Why would I allow him the time of day! I probably wouldn't if he suddenly came at me all nice and sweet.I would be so shocked, so stunned that I would have to sleep with a knife under my pillow for the fact that I would count his sincerity. For me to tack back, I would have to see a whole different person over a damn bit of time, like say...five to ten years, and still, would I really think he had changed? I think that I should just let that one go. I may be sentimental, but I am not that sentimental! Of course there must be someone in the whole wide world who will get what I am about, and make me see why no one else has been a fit before he came along. But until then, I get me, and I like me, so I am NOT waiting on a "him." I never have.

guilty secret

Ok,so, I have been having some thoughts that I let run slightly rampant. I kinda let it out to run around and then pen it up again. Lol. These thoughts need to have some airing,because they come back again and again...and I think that I should just follow through and figure out what they are saying to me. The invitation to go swimming at night by the guy I have known for a few years has kinda done this now. I have to make sense of some of my conflicting views. My reaction to my colleague tells me that I am very clear deep down that I have some strong don'ts about men right now. I wrote and I spoke today about condescending behavior. At times like this, I miss my partner, because he was truly so much a huge part of my wellbeing when it came to interacting with a man. We were in the same field, we were friends from the moment we met, and we nurtured our friendship. So I would say that those traits are the things that I look for and I miss. I don't expect it on my job. But it is easy to miss it because my partner and I worked together as well. I just miss him, miss him, miss him. I also miss ever so often that daft man, frequent flyer. We were friends as well, and thank god, I am not always sending my mind to him, but just from time to time, my mind runs on him and thankfully though, i say to myself...I am satisfied with what I chose to do. I certainly am, because there was no alternative where he was concerned. i had to stop speaking to him. But it makes me a bit sad sometimes when I think of how very, very long we were friends. I should realize that it is only natural to remember someone with fondness who is alive the way i remember my partner who is dead. I take a moment, I say what I say to myself and I move on. I will have feelings, because I am alive and I am not a robot. Sure, but why still as a friend of mine said once, tote feelings? Do I wish things had turned out differently? Perhaps! But as i also know, there was no straight, cut and dried results as far as I could see. He brought up a lot of things that i would have to take into account if things had gone different. I do believe that this outcome was the best I could make, and I am grateful that I made it when I did. I was able to make it because of the really, really messy conclusion to the other relationship that I also had to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I am being a strong person or just walk! I make that analysis because this self talk that I trot out is counter productive. So I must also state that I am glad that I started this entry with my cards on the table. I can be negative about myself, or I can be wise. I choose to be wise. I would say, for me to have such up and down moods about this past thing has to do with still holding on a bit to it because I did have some expectations. What is odd to reconcile is that I know that I made the best decision. I did. I could not keep on being literally that man's 'work' wife! Yuck and dammit!!!! It was so subtle, that I didn't even realize that it was that! But it was sooooooo very that! Writing a bit more, I can see underneath this. I am looking at the 'good little girl' syndrome. I wanted to be someones everything. That kinda makes me laugh. OMG! Sheesh! I believe in being and having someone as everything. My dead partner was MY everything... as close to perfect that I could imagine..apart from his being a gay man. Lol. What does 'my everything' even mean???? I wrote it down already...nurtured, regarded, respected, loved, being myself, his being himself, honest with each other, gentle with each other, funny together, focused on our very best together, giving each other space. What I had was truly lovely. It was real love. Is it that I have been searching for it ever since? To be looking for it is to say that I am dating, which I certainly have not. Apart from the two disasters I experienced a few years ago, no one has asked apart from that recent person, and I have not been looking either. But then there comes the biggest thoughts running around. Before I state the obvious, I want to allow the statement that I just made to marinate around me. My friend provided a partnership where we worked at giving and taking with each other from an amicable space. I have every right to look upon that for what it was because it was really damn exceptional! I never stopped loving him, or he, me. He cannot be replaced. I can find other types of relationships, of course. But if I were to be asked which one was the most fulfilling it would definitely be the one I had with him. With that written, I cannot now look upon my "Y"husband as the definition of the best relationship that I have ever had in my life. What I can claim however, is that he also represents the most important relationship I have ever had for another reason. He represents the most emotional relationship I have ever had. I would say on a sort of Olivia Pope/Fitzgerald Grant sort of way. Lol,lol. I worry that I am only reacting to him because of the fight he now puts up every time we have to interact with each other. But that isn't true. Our relationship broke up unexpectedly on my part, so where do you put your love for someone when something is over? I have not really moved on have I? I have thought that I could by getting involved with an ambivalent married man and then an ambivalent lothario. It says more about me than I would like to admit, my own ambivalence. I clearly attracted what I was at that time. Now, I have to do the emotional work to move on.Whatever direction I choose, I definitely desire something that will feel on par or even better, way, way better than my friendship goals...as my friend wasn't into girls. lol. I have sometimes said that someone who could be a mix of my best friend and my "Y" husband would be a great person to meet.I believe that I can do even better than that, now that I have it in writing.What I mean is that, some of my "Y' husband's traits, I certainly would not have the wherewithal to experience again, his temper, his moodiness...hell to the no. This is getting quite long...I shall make this a two parter...

closer and some other thoughts

I wrote about some carts a few weeks back.Well now I think that I am getting closer to how I want the whole think to work. I spent some time yesterday focusing on what my vision is, and was very pleased with the outcome.It is experimental stuff, and its very exciting to me. Sometimes when I am writing, if I really put down all the things leading me here, it might be dizzying to do. For example, I find one of my colleagues to be quite condescending at times, and it irked me. So I sat down and worked out what it was in myself that this was affecting. The answer that I got was illuminating. One, I petulantly stated that I don't want a man telling me what to do. But when I looked more deeply, i found that my real issue was that I actually feel that I am in an environment where the rules are sketchy at best and on the one hand, I have so much to offer, and yet, I feel challenged by what is there that gives me the impression that I will have obstacles to get what I want to do, done. He just represents the gatekeeper of that ambivalence. So, tonight, my answer to myself is fuck that. JUST DO IT. Lol. In the past I might have spent a long time on reacting, but I have come a very long way from that. I now ask, what is this showing me? I have also spent the last month or two wanting to do some of my personal work, but I have not decided exactly what it is I want to do? That one sounds stranger still. But really, it has to do with another project that I really have to decide whether it should be wearable or not? As i am writing that, I think that I can make this concept both! In fact, the very concept of the "Fun house," may be the way that I should go for this other project. NEXT...

oh, by the way...

Recently a guy I have known for some time asked me out. I was flattered, but said nothing definitive to I'm because I was working at the time, and I really could not focus on that. So he found a moment to ask me again. It will now be a few times that he has asked me. I have been so busy, that it was not until two nights ago, I thought to myself that I have to tell him that I am flattered, but I am not interested in doing that. I was a bit surprised at myself, because, I have known him for several years, and I have been thinking that it would be nice to go out with someone. But when he asked me, my first thought was that I really do not want to go out with a man and be doing it just for kicks. I don't have the time to waste. Why go through all of the dressing up and eating, drinking or dancing at different places...and then there is the unspoken but very serious intention of expecting sex down the mine that I really do not want to give to another man who isn't likely to be interested in a long term relationship. I was struck by the weirdness of all of it. He is asking me out because he has some thoughts that he can't seem to prevent me from seeing, clearly on his mind. I don't think that he is a bad guy from being so transparent. It is just that I ask myself, why? Why would I want to do that now in my life? Of course I would like to meet someone I can be great friends with, truly enjoy talking to, going out with and slowly working my way into something deeply meaningful. I thought that I had done that awhile back, but I was definitely mistaken. This invitation has made me think that I need to decide what I want from a relationship for real, and see how I can make it actually happen. I found that as I was thinking no, I felt the long shadow of all that I have gone through, and that was a big part of the turn off for me. So, there is work for me to do, before I am ready to say yes to whomever decided to ask me in the future.

Easter

It is nearly that time of year when I have to adjust my focus. Things come to an end, and I am now expecting my efforts to pay off in the creation of new projects. I just completed another recommendation for someone, and I was reading it back. Of late, I have been thinking about some of the work that I want to achieve from the standpoint of legacy, yes, but also consolidation. By that I mean, I am approached all of the time to help so many people, I ask myself, what about me? How am I taking all of this support and committing it to myself? One excellent thing did come from my week I must stress. I had an opportunity to spend a few hours without distraction going over why I feel so antsy about my plans, and I concluded that I just need to make a proper plan for my projects and start them. Once I do so, I shall find that I wont feel that way anymore. Also, I now realize that last year I was in the throws of some serious work for deadline,and clearly, there is so much more I would like to be doing. Also, my ex (I mean "Y") just sent me a long letter about our child's report and a few typical comments that usually would have gotten me to respond to every sentence he made almost instantly. This time around, I am not even remotely desirous of doing such a thing. I have my own intentions, and it does not serve me to respond or to let him know what they are. I feel such a relief from this choice that I have to write it here. There are other ways to bell a cat, as the saying goes.

I had to write tonight, because I got home and felt so excited about the way I was feeling. I just feel confident about my decisions.Yesterday I did something that I don't usually do, and that was that I asked myself a question about some of my plans and hopes that usually leaves me stumped. When I am stumped, I usually leave the question alone and I may come back to it. But usually, it would end up being something that I handle in a circular way. I start heaping up a list of why I will have a problem, so it is as though the 'problem' cannot be fixed at all. But because I have been working on having a different mindset, I am finding that I can tackle the things that I used to feel I could not solve. I am able to pull from my ideas and vision for better as a matter of course now, and what I am feeling does not have doubt and skepticism behind it.

the Y

A bit more on the "Y". Tonight, I decided that I shall write a script for myself. The project that I mentioned here a few weeks ago, I got a glimpse of how it can be achieved. I was taking a taxi into town and I saw a very smartly dressed young man with an insulated cooler shaped box on a folded table . He had a bag with metal tongs inside it, and another bag filled with paper bags. he also had a large red umbrella. But it was his tee-shirt that struck me. It said something about entrepreneurs. He was simple, yet striking, and seeing him, and then when I got into town I saw two other people, a man and a woman in the same get up. I thought, ok, this is great! This is a group of people making work for themselves. I loved it. But, I don't want to get offtrack. This is about my plans. I used to cringe when I did this. I would write so many things I wanted to do, and when I could not achieve it, I would be so downcast, to the point where I felt that I should stop making plans. I am so glad that I do not feel that way anymore, plans are an opportunity to stretch yourself. They come freely and that's a great thing. I give myself a year to change my present situation to one of prosperity. I will no longer find myself stalled by my present job. I will achieve the things that I set out to do. I expect to be able to feel freer, happier, relieved that I am seeing myself able to really make decisions because I can do so. I am not waiting for this or that shoe to drop. I embrace my decision to call forth what I see for myself now. Change for the better can happen in a blink of an eye. My focus is now outward and upward. Amen.

A wonderful day

Indeed. Such a great day! My "Y' husband sent me his usual aggressive text yesterday. and then today he went off on a bender. What changed today was the way I responded to him. It was as though as the saying goes, something snapped in me. It was me saying, I am not going to read, or read into the trash that comes out of his mind and onto the screen of my phone. That is HIS belief. His limitation, it is where he chooses to be. What I will not do is entertain it as something that I shall take on or ingest.It was tangible to me as I stated this fact to myself. But something else also happened. I said aloud what I would prefer before I could even vet it. I learned so much this week, I don't even know where to begin. I observed so much. I saw the way people with the perfect tools to succeed, sabotage themselves. i saw the way someone with very little skill could take their naked desire to achieve what they want grab it and succeed. Although nothing that they are doing is properly structured or competently established. I saw the way my colleague uses me and others around him to prop himself up against. We all like to feel whatever it is we need to build our image..in his instance, it is a need to look strong and powerful. In a way, typically male behavior, and so, I watched that , quite aware of what he was doing for his ego's sake. It was interesting, because in the past, I might have felt that I needed to challenge him by counter acting his statements. But as my "Y" did what he did, it was as though what I experienced with my colleague would give me the hint to know that I also did not have to jump at what my "Y" always does. I usually respond, I get riled up, because he is riled up. But this time, I could see his moves. i also imagined that his angry energy was wafting through the phone and i replied to myself aloud, I love you, I wish you well. All is well. I also had to deal with a hustler this week. The person has the traits although they are setting themselves up as an intellectual. I got to see them in full mode. But what happened this week was that, I decided to sit and stay still and give myself a moment to think on my approach to them. I had discussed them enough to draw a belief system around them...which may or may not be 100% true. However, I reminded myself that there is my observation and beliefs. the other persons observations and beliefs and the thing itself. I decided to look at the actual "concern" around what the person was doing as a thing with air around it. pretty much the way Eckhart Tolle says that you are the person observing the person thinking. When I did that, it became easy to be detached. i saw it similarly to the way one would see a bowl with something inside it inside of a larger container filled with water. Seeing that I could isolate the "thing" as separate from my notions or the other persons notions that I had deduced...I then focused on what I wanted to achieve, and no longer on the moves that would be made by the person and by myself. If this is said, then I should say that and so on. This was remarkable for me. I slowed down the chatter in my mind and the only way I can write it, is to say that I got into the flow, and it was from there that i could move forward and cut through whatever it was that it might be or really was...and seek and achieve a different outcome...and this shall help me with the "Y"

there are days and then there are daze

The never ending puzzle that is consciousness will get me every time. There is so much to suppose, deduce, put together and analyze and then when you get somewhere, you are actually nowhere. But yet, I persist. Today it was about expecting coincidences to lead to the next one to be able to say to myself de ja vu. But today, the subtle difference was the connection of a number of other things in the mix. It started with the behavior of one or two people for a presentation. Both people in our great big illusion that is our world, felt so put upon about their lot when actually, they were being handled not only fairly, but beyond helpful, yet they could not, would not see it. The second person going so far as to decide to act, not wanting any help. So she ruined one of her pieces because she would not bend and say, can you assist me with this. Later, I spoke to another person, someone who could not be in the presentation, and the people I just spoke about were upset, finding the person who did not succeed very lucky. The logic was so skewed that I had to have a moment. I had to explain how very bazaar the logic was. But this evening was the ultimate of that whole mishmash of thinking. A conversation with our hairdresser...as always she has some tall very real stories. From her own family and her daily experiences. This time was really a new one. I have never even heard of anything like it. She said that she was awake very early in the morning and looked out of her window because she was hearing something. She looked up to see what it was and saw to her great shock, an airplane flying was below radar. In my country today the news is always bad and violent and scary in the violence. That is all that anyone I know talks about with anxiety and dismay. Here I am, in my country, living in it, part of all of the weirdness of place and space. There are enough challenges to be distracted. I have read all that I can about positive thinking and I have been mindful of how words and actions produce certain outcomes...and perhaps that is all it is. But my mind says, no that is the beginning of the best part because I believe that an answer is afoot. So when my hairdresser talks about a plane and we get into all of the things that we are hearing every single day on the news and making deductions from them...and wondering where we are standing amidst all of this insanity...it becomes a Hmmmmm, moment. too much of this leads to that.Why is weighted, negative content what sticks? It seems. Today the rapid fire of things in the im-material seemed to inform and create the material. So I had to listen and observe what was happening particularly. Now, how could I look at a whole country against a few people I interacted with today? Everything is interconnected and everything is related or relative. The answer is actually so right out there in the open...as old as time. Biblical time that is. In the Garden, so much choice leads to full awareness. Awareness brings pain. The people in the presentation...aware...and pained. Somewhere amidst all that used to work, suddenly nothing is right,nothing works anymore and that is that there is too much illusion, we cannot tell the difference anymore and all that is ever really true is the subtle gossamer currents that show all of us a teeny, tiny way forward. But the current is so damn strong that it is easy to mistake the pull for the pure action. So you as Eckhart Tolle has stated, "You are the person or entity observing the person thinking.

I may not have written it in all of this time, but for years I felt as though my anxiety was at the top of my way of thinking, so although I appeared to anyone observing me to be normal, I think I was never really feeling secure. It has taken a lot of work on my part to be here today where I can make a decision, with all of the boxes not ticked, still needing other things to work out...yet, force, I am not adding a sense of dread to my planning. I used to write that I had plans and lists, and I would even write optimistically about an idea, and then, it would just fizzle. Things would get to a certain degree and then...suddenly, nothing. It would seem like I would be putting so much effort out and yet, some insurmountable thing would stall me. I would listen to other people and I would hear other people making plans and seeing them through. Not that every plan I had fell flat, it was just that those I saw as pivotal to getting me from point A to B seemed to crash and burn. Now, a simple move like, plan, consider, think of my ice and know that it takes just small steps, somehow, that is extremely comforting and nurturing to me right now. A number of incremental things had to come into play for me to finally get here. First of all, there is no 'me' and 'them' where expectations are concerned. One set of rules for the world and another for me. I had to confront exactly what negative things I have been telling myself like a mantra for most of my life. I also am so grateful that I am now so fed up that even if I wanted to fall back into old negative habits, I am not only fed up of what they have wrought, but also tired and bored to be going through the same results that lead nowhere. Infusing my mind with at least one thing that I may not have known before, or a topic that can get my mind shifting...not that I have not been doing that for years...and thank goodness. But in this instance, it was a conscious decision to make new memories. It sounds sort of flippant. You make new memories every day. Indeed, but I also think a lot of the same things every day as well. My self talk is filled with the same old record player views. It is so damn easy to for example think of my "Y" husband...someone recently suggested I call him that instead of "x" and that is quite funny. If I focus on him, I can easily find myself recalling something from our past, or focusing on something he said or did recently. The other day,a friend of mine did this with me as she called to ask my opinion about something. I heard her go into he past and use it to predict her future and i was dismayed at how easily she did it. How can I say that I want this or that, and then go back to having a mindset that prevents my own good? Its like someone saying that they want to lose weight, but they would not check what they eat, change the foods in their refrigerator and pantry, exercise or diet. I cannot say that I want to have a certain degree of success if everything that can stall me is allowed to stump me. Put that way, I can easily find a reason to not progress, but thank god that I have pushed through that feeling many times in my life, so I know that I can succeed as long as I don't keep my focus on the thing that may have yet again hurled itself in my vision to laugh at my plans. I can now say, yes, I see you, meddling with me again, but guess what, that's all your doing, meddling. I have an answer for that, and for thenext one and the next one and the next one coming down the pike. That's how you beat it. You just do.

some good things happened today. A big one was the success of a project that I guided someone with. They had moments of considerable doubt, and lots of stops and starts. But they kept at it, and finally today they were able to get to the end and receive the accolades they deserved. I was so happy for her. She inspired me. The other thing was my speaking with a colleague and getting more firm information on my own project. Also, hearing myself sound clear about what is going on in my working life right now was great for me. Having that clarity means that I am no longer just looking at my life through a narrow lense. every day is an opportunity to do better and to start anew. It was also a good day for my relative who is in the hospital. She is slowly improving and has moved to a facility to restore her mobility. Another relative has also had someone give them excellent advice and support toward getting their dream realized. It was just a great thing to see positive outcomes in action.

what a week waw

There were insights this week that came with my willingness to put the work in to change the things that bothered me. i may have stated before that I experienced what can only be described as myself looking upon things in my life from above. A sort of overview. Where I was able to reflect, yet, not be judgmental in my reflection. I was able to see it the way one would see a town or a city. When one looks from above, one does not pick out what is wrong with the individual parts.I could see a few parts a bit closer than others, and I could even see my ex-husband and what he came into our relationship with. It was then that I could look upon his behavior as the product of his very child-like desire to be loved and protected from disappointment.I was able to see how his wrong thinking has carried him all of this time and how much we both have struggled with that level of self doubt. Without believing the same thing within as you feel without- you have no chance of changing anything about yourself. I set about to work on that a few years ago, and I am deeply grateful for having done so. It took awhile to teach myself how to do it. In fact I don't think that I can even explain to anyone else how to make what is within match what is without...apart from stating here that there is no way around going into yourself...asking yourself every time you see something lovely where people are interacting and you are observing and re-acting...what are you feeling when you see love or partnership? Or trust, or friendship? What are you feeling? Isn't that lovely, do you remember when you felt that, or had that? Do you want to experience that again? Or do you want your own version of that sense of joy? For emotional experiences, that's how you have to build up the outer and inner connecting.You have to feel your inner workings. You have to listen to what your inner monologue is constantly telling you. You have to feel what you feel when you are running on adrenaline or fear, doubt , tiredness, pettiness...everything and begin to inwardly change your temperature by getting to know who you are. It really is no different than the scene in The Matrix when Morpheus had to tell Neo that he, Neo had never used his muscles before. Why this is not taught in schools? I have no idea. But I know that I have to teach it to my girl. I know for a fact that although I searched and researched Spirituality from an early age, it still has taken a lifetime to understand that I know nothing. It has challenged me that I have wondered about action and re-action. I have been befuddled by energies. Listened to family and friends around me speak of obeah and miracles,prayer, fasting and rituals. I have chosen to use my positive thinking, logic, compassion,realistic expectations and spontaneity to achieve my beliefs. I've been Athiest, Catholic,Muslim,Jehovah Witness and Hindu. I have listened to Buddhism and New Age. In all that time, life is moving on. The journey is to be had. There is no prize for best. It is about living and that is it. What is the point of life? To live.

In Memorium

The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life. — Derek Walcott (1930 - 2017)

OMG

I decided to read over my post, and the most fascinating thing happened. I got this startling hunch that I could reprogram all that transpired with my ex husband. What I mean by that, is this... in a blink of an eye,I saw myself able to live as I would actually like and no hassle from him. I saw an agreeable person, a changed person in him. It went by faster than I could snap my finger, but I had the concentration to see it. This has happened to me before, years ago, with something else. Lol. What a lovely moment that was. It felt calm, and happy, quite lovely. Our child was so happy in that moment. Waw! I must state that the vision was about peace. Plain and simple. P E A C E

Affirming

I did what I always do when my emotions challenge me...I find as much spiritual guidance as possible, and find that it is always helpful to me. I am very fortunate, because I have had some amazing moments in my life that have helped me see very clearly that there is way more to life than what one sees at first. I began the first of my diversification projects today. What is interesting about it is that nothing has changed in terms of keep backs. What has changed though is that I am aware of them, but they are like accessories that I will pay no mind to. I set out to do certain things this year,and that is what I choose to look at. Looking at it feels so good. I found an image from an Artist on Instagram that was so cute. Then, I visited one of two of the people I interviewed for my book - and we had a great chat about materials as we explored them. Both conversations were truly wonderful. I got a deep hankering to get my work together. This I certainly will do by the end of this week. Making one step has been so helpful for me. Purpose is everything.