As the year ends, I have taken up learning Turkish and loving it so much! I'd been looking at one or two Turkish television shows on Netflix and those and three Korean ones make me want to know more about the languages. I decided to start with the former and will also learn about the latter. When I was in high school, I disliked learning languages. But now I am in love with it. It is twofold for me. It is one of listening to the way that letters form into meanng and secondly, the way words form for one country in comparison to another. It is all so beautiful. I am certain however, that if I were dropped in Turkey right now I would be overwhelmed trying to gauge even simple words. Hwever, I think that that would be a big part of the excitement to immerse myself in the new to me. Deciding that I would do something for myself has been wonderful. I work at Turkish ever single day for at least an hour. I find myself thinking about the language even when I am asleep. I would say that it is changing my thinking. Lol. I will not learn a second language while learing this one. I need to feel comfortable enough to make full sentances before I would consider another.

From talked about to talked to

To my surprise today I got a call from the friend who just up and called me with the statement that we neeeded to take a break from each other. It had caught me off guard because between us, she was always the one calling me several times a day. Particularly as I was helping her with a few projects of hers. We had never found ourselves at odds, apart from when I had to put my foot down with the way she stirred herself up into a lather about some half phantom issues happening to her.I could not sit by and hear her disparage herself. I have also written about a few challenges she has made me feel because of how the friendship was being conducted....I don't think that that is too strong a word to describe it. It began to feel like work. Anyway, I was not thrilled to have any conversation with her. I was proven right when she proceeded to want to make some dramatic statements about when we last spoke. My sister has had a similar experience with a friend who behaved the same way after she (my sister) was dealing with the loss of her closest female friend. The situation was too similar in every way. I had some time to think about it, and I have an unexpected view of all of this. When I got divorced, I lost the sense of trust from friendships with others. Friendship is very important to me. I have always said that it is more important than love relationships because without friendship, love cannot happen. Now, I was thinking that she has been in my life for a reason and that I should accept that I am responsible for my part. My part can easily breed more distrust. More shutting myself off. more negative expectations from others. I don't choose to think like that anymore. I don't even choose to consider her an issue to me. She is going through whatever she is dealing with. Thinking that she is this and that is a waste of time. I want to give what I want to get out of the friendships that I make from now on. I got what I got with her because It is possible that I too was averse to giving more. Maybe I too was stubborn. Or maybe I was patronizing! I believed that I was being a "friend" when she was neurotic or scared and I am glad to have seen her grow and change for the better over the decade we had something that felt good. Blame really has no plac ein the equation. it is just that I don't deisre to be in a friendship that now feels so one sided and oppressive. I have no beef with her. I just don't want to deal with someone who really doesn't want to work on what may be wrong . but want to blame and want to only remain friends because of what can be gained. I know that that sounds contradictory to what I was just writing so fluently and fluidly. But I think that it is right. I mentioned what I may be reflecting and what I feel she has dished out. I state what I do because I don't want to go through it again with her. It is unpleasant. It seems that she is comfortable behaving that way...making demands as she does....and I am not going to change her. I am not going to put up with it. That's all.It is not for me. That's all.

being talked about

My last entry was about being talked about. I now presume that I am hearing about myself being talked about again because of everyone being at home in these covid times. This time it was about money. I have always found the challenge between having family with wealth while not having it yourself. It is the weirdest thing. Those around you just assume that you too are wealthy and do not need the things that everyone needs to succeed. But now that I write that, I do not even know whether that is at all true. Who knows why you get rejected from certain things? I remember when I returned from college the first time, I was very gung ho about working for a certain company. I set up my entire portfolio with them in mind. But when I was able to get an appointment with the owner, I came to realize that someone I knew (and actually admired) had also contacted them months before and had gotten the job that I had wanted. My timing was just off. Recently I read about someone whose career decisions just sound perfect. Everything they tried their hands at worked to their advantage. I never felt that way. But I have had great moments, so I can at least say that I am not dispondant. All of that got me to thinking about how lives go or don't go according to plan. Every day is an opportunity to begin again.

Yet again I found myself listening to a conversation about me. This time it was all about my ex husband and the letter from his Lawyer to me. As I inadvertently heard the opinions metred out, at first I felt hurt. The usual responces that my family jump to always represent him as somehow superior. I am the victim, yet I am also a loser of some kind. To be viewed that way has made me so upset in the past and yesterday got very heavy very quickly. I wanted to fight back. I wanted to charge into the room and defend myself. But then I did something extraudinary for me. I started to have a little chat with myself and I told myself the following-: Their opinions are theirs to have. I have no business contradicting their views and no need to contradict what they think. Their opinions are just that, opinions and I do not have to believe what they believe. When I said that to myself I felt everything I was thinking and feeling completely lighten up for me. My ex-husband writs the kind of letters and gets his Lawyer to write to me the sort of responces that pack a punch in the beginning and end. It is what is in the middle that is the issue. He wants me to help him financially. But he wants to give me less access to our daughter, and he thinks that he can do it. No one in their right mind would agree to such a non-offer. It is absolutely absurd. I have yet to respond, and I am going to take my time to respond. The nuisance factor is acute. The bullying attempt and the extortion is ridiculous! Again, such a situation would have me in a tailspin. I would be anxiety filled and automatically aggitated by his actions. He has now done this sort of thing so many times that I am no longer moved by his actions. What I am is resolute.

the 2021 world

At the beginning of the year I was not working. At the end of the year, I am. I have an opportunity to change the way that I work. I see everything as a godsend. The death of my dad and the change of everything that has affected me, impacted my family and then the wider community and my country has put me, (and I am sure everyone else on the planet) into a place of contemplation and asking myself some new questions. Some answers are simple. We are now living with covid-19. I can work in a covid-19 world. I have options to work even better in a covid-19 world. An issue that never goes away is taking care of mind and body. It is about how do I manage if I were to lose my family all at once, or become ill and have to pay bills for it? Or could I take care of the house and unexpected expenses? Could I do it? None of that has changed at all. Money is always, always a divider to decisions being made now or put off or a constant scraping, collecting and turn-over. So what is there to do? For starters, panicking is not an action that is helpful What can you do? YOu have to put one foot in front of the other. You have to have a plan. You have to do your best to somehow manage. You read articles by economists who tell you to save money by not eating in restaurants and making your own coffee instead of buying Starbucks. But I would say that for so many people, they already do that and they also find themselves looking in their couches hoping to find a rolled up hundred dollar bill. Trying to balance between needs and wants is a constant. I am finding that I cannot afford to be poor, but poverty can afford to spend time with me. Lol. The constant waiting to have the money to do things to keep healthy enough to make money to get things! Sheesh! Then, your cash poor, but you live and you are around family who are wealthy...so no one thinks that you need anything...your family is rich motif! You know that you are lucky, and you have options and you are doing your best, but even for you, the money is just not coming in fast enough, and that latte, come on, you want a moment to treat yourself because of all the pressure! Life is so funny. What I am writing about is not unknown to all of us. What do we do? What to do? I was looking at an excellent documentary about Donald Trump and Joseph Biden. I was struck by America, as I would consider the narrator for this argument...America, honored and practically worshipped a Donald Trump. He could do no wrong. His wealth was uber seductive. Then you see that Joseph Biden deeply admired John F Kennedy and hos achilles heel is his desire to emulate those he has admored who have had wealth and power. Is Wealth the problem? Is power? Is wealth YOU? Without money are you really living?

What to make of it all

I have spend many nights last year and this one, coming to terms with death. It has been terrifying to lay above my sheets and think about when that time comes, as my Father and Aunt would have had to do. I consider the gentle creeping up of a death sentance lying over their idea of themself and settling into their crevace. Did it ooze among their bones and arteries?Did it mellow into their soft organs? Did it talk to their body of the foreboding to come? There is no language for it, just an instinct of a trepidation. That is how I imagined it. Then what of that illness as it becomes intrenched within you and those around you are either pretending or so threatened by the fear of it that they too become struck dumb to speak of it! You are in limbo between wanting it to end and wanting it to stay because DEATH seems terrifying, and you realise that it is now your turn. It is your turn and you are terrified. But guess what? You may linger in this limbo, or you may leave very soon. Facing so much death, I have also taken my mind even further. I wonder about the crossing over part. You are told not to be afraid. You are told that you are enveloped in a warm, positive light and you will meet your caring family on the other side. I ask the question, suppose that that is only a placibo? You do feel all of that, and when your family on Earth accept it, and they bury you or cremate you, that placibo falls away and now you end up as you began...no consciousness, no awareness of self. You are DEAD. You do not exist any more. Till death do us part and pray for us at the hour of our death...not after the hour, AT the hour and, obtain for them eternal rest. Eternal rest suggests absolute sleep. That is all we know. We say SLEEP. We do not say eternal joy or eternal transposition. I would lie down in my bed and I would imagine what would happen when It would be my turn to get that visitor. That inevitable visitor?

some interesting anecdotes

When things do not go well at work it is always cause for questioning competence. Even when it isn't you that it is happening to. In my case this week, the words of the Secretary has kept in my thoughts. Over the decade I have found that I have had to deal with contract mistakes and payment mistakes and a variety of issues that have kept me running around to have things corrected. I have also made a few myself. None of it has ever been simple. The Secretary this year mentioned me in a way that suggested that there is some relationship between me and the 'issues' I have faced. In other words, somehow my energy causes confusion. I have said this about others in observation. Now I was being confronted with it and I wanted to take a good look at that as a reality or as an energy that I can change. I of course do not like the fact that I can be perceived that way and on the other hand, I find the whole thing petty and not really worthy of too much concern. But, clearly because I am writing this here, I am concerned about how I am perceived. Nobody cares when you are doing your job well. If they can find a chink in your armour...well then...pounce they do pounce.Or that is my internal monologue considering that that is the case. The reality is more along the lines of everyone doing what they can to not appear incompetant and looking for scapegoats. It is not personal. I am glad that I decided to write this down here and look at it. Sometimes you really feel that you are being targetted.

When you focus only on solving problems and your mind goes to them every single moment, it is hard to realise that there is so much beauty and joy in the world. The eye does try to remind you, as you walk with your sorrow and grief, doubt and fears. You glimpse the lush greenery and the birds as they fly by. But your stuck in your slump, so they give only tiny glimmers of hope. However, over time, it becomes like charging a battery. Somehow and somewhere the light filters out and you have moments of reprieve. This can go on and on for ages and ages. You really need more. You need books, and friends and family and support to help yourself through dark times. You also most of all need to know that dark times don't last forever and you will come out of it stronger, more resolved and yes, possibly happier. You are creating the onion skin of your life. From the last time that I wrote. I have had so many lovely things happen. I am so happy that I cannot contain how happy I feel. I want to bask in it and feel it down to my toes and I want it to stay forever. To keep referring to what makes me smile and laugh and lightens my step feels so very good. My mind wants to plan and think good thoughts and when bad ones come, I stop them and light them up with my positive sprinkling of happy glitter. I savour these moments. I guide myself to consider more that I want to do and ways to keep feeling this way. There is nothing like this feeling. I am so grateful to feel this way right now.

My friends who were here for nine months because they got stuck when covid-19 happened. left day before yesterday for their home in New York. She has been writing me some delightful observations of her experiences now that she is back. She and her husband got in around the time that the presidential debates started. But they could not see it because their television cable was obviously off. The house felt damp and dusty at the same time. Getting back to their old life after leaving it to go on holiday with no plans to have been gone as long as they have had to be, has been the weirdest feeling. Getting right into cleaning became the obvious first step to an attempt at normalcy. She has a list of thirty five things she wants now that she is back home and I think that three=quarters of the list is food related. Lol. My friends have never been away anywhere for the length of time, and they have never been in my country for such a long period. Their being here was interesting for me to see my country through their eyes as well. If they could have stayed longer they would have. But they had to confront going home and dealing with their real lives.

This weekend my daughter and I spent time together and as always we had a lovely time.With her I take on every moment. It was also good because of two meetings, one in person and the other online. Can you imagine remembering what what you do really means to you from two simple experiences? That was my weekend. What it did was remind me of the curiosity, the joy of creativity...the hunches and the hopes. I looked around the large garage space that we have, A spae that I have been given to do my work, but I have hesitated because of how much what I do is more about a comfy cushioned seat. where I spread things out in an intimately orchestrated way. But I looked at it on Saturday and thought about it again. Then, a friend had a sympsium and listening to her work. I was inspired all over again. The excitment of the audacity to go out on a limb and work instinctively and through compulsion. Somehow the doubt goes, the process and the outcome instead are writ large. Being part of it....I remember.

and finally

The scariest thing about all that I am writing is the conclusion I have come to that I make everything happen. I make it by what I do and what I do not do. Sure I can dig into my history and all that. But what about how my mind works? Is it that I cause every single emotion to come out of me the way that it does? I set up every situation to achieve some bigger outcome so that I can have something to worry my mind about. As though I am distracting myself so I miss the bigger picture? The bigger picture being that slow road to inevitable death? WHy am I not filling my thoughts with roses and cash? Why?Lol? But seriously! I remember a friend of my ex-husband saying to him, don't make any sudden hand gestures...referring to a conference that he had to go to. The person was speaking about race and stereotyping at the time. Should I not make any sudden gestures that draw attention to my bigger, better, more hope filled self? Is it that I dont feel confident to be in my world? I have been given this body and live in this part of the world, and I have been given every advantage that I could have been given. So what is my issue? Is it that I am dissatisfied with what I have made? Have I really made anything of note? I could go on all day. I see that I have made the best decisions for my circumstances at every step. I have seen the countless times that a decision seemed like that hardest, toughest thing in the world to do. I have seen the way a decision seemed to be stacked against me. I have also seen a few times where a decision has opened up doors as if by magic. I am in this life and I think that it is a keeper. There is more curiosity, challenge and unknown ahead, and I shall read over this entry again in that future and I will add what I know then. I don't think that anyone is any different from me. We are all going through this unwinable struggle. We are all beautiful, tiny creatures. There is no Santa Claus.

more from before

It is a mind bender to consider that all that is happening is an illusion, even writing this. I saw how I look at the world for right and wrong when nothing actually IS. I used to get caught up with that by asking, but what about those who murder? The answer to that is that people will do things and their are consequences regardless. There are always a million varying choices being made every single day by every one of us. Some produce the lives that we dream about. But no one is exempt from facing challenges. You cannot run from challenges.Life is about living until you die. Why is it that so much of it is spent in such a ball of intensity? I am not doing life'wrong' I am doing life in the vein of my belief systems, expectations, memories and habits. I am as programmed as Photoshop. Lol. As an allegedly highly complex brain, I am made as we have made computers, a product of habit and pattern. I was actually thinking about writing a script about someone who has a death experience and goes through all of the lovely afterlife hase and then after awhile, after they see that they have chosen death and have been dead, they come to a realisation that death is not what they imagined it to be, it is another life and that life is filled with the complexities of dreaming, and it feels like something you can never get out of.no matter how conscious you try to be. In other words, it is a nightmare. I think that I shall explore that concept a bit when I have some time. So I get up this morning. I have had a crazy dream. But I know that it happened because of yesterday and also I am anxious about my next class although I should not be. That was my lesson for the day. Just stop trying to be this person trying to right everything. Just stop,

The centipede was happy quite...

I hope that I can get through this writing without muddling up myself. But something happened yesterday and I learned from it so profoundly that I have to record it. It was a combination of things. My Mother was not in the best of moods. She has always been one of those people, I should say both my parents have been people who never seemed to have problems of issues. The two major things that have happened with them have been solved by them as a couple putting their heads together and supporting the other. I truly admire my parents. So much so that I think that there have been times where I have felt that I could never live up to their exacting standards, but do not belong in a world where less than their standards exist. She was in a mood and she was taking it out on me. Most of the time that is something that I deal with and it doesn't make me feel it too deeply. Yesterday,I did. It had been so long since I had had such a reaction that I had to sit and think about what I was feeling. I had to pass through thoughts of wishing that I could disappear. It was that strong a reaction. Later in the evening, with great trust for myself, I slowly worked through the pain I felt and realised that wanting my parents love, now my mothers approval and love is something that is deeply enmeshed into my very sense of self. She was fretting about her wants versus her needs. As I stated before, this is a woman who never had to worry about money before, ever. Now with my dad's passing, she has to see to a number of policies he left and to his banking and other assets and with covid-19, everything is slow and she's had to go back to places more than twice and it is a mess. She is frustrated, and she will not change her spending habits, not that we are doing badly, it is just that the grief and the change can sometimes be too much, so obviously I sat and thought about all of that, and we are all living together. The house is big enough for us to not have to see each other if we don't want to. We can walk all around the house and feel as though we have travelled somewhere because of the configuration and the expanse of the garden. We are very fortunate indeed. But naturally there will be days when we are not going to have a great moment. My auntie behaved that way just a few days before. I realised that for some reason I internalized all of that as being DONE to me. People just flinging their dirty attitudes my way as though I was the rod to absorb it all. I got very upset very fast with my mother being the last straw. Now I see my part in all of that. I see that I like to solve problems, like to fix bad situations. I feel somehow responsible for making others 'happy' with me. I see that my anxieties, particularly about money may actually also be hinged to my parents and my mother and the expectations I may have mis-diagnozed or anayzed from childhood (remember the stealing Nun and the break ins to our home as a child!) When you have and others do not, you want to help everyone you can. You want to be friends too, and people are skittish with you. They don't know how to take it. Other people who have also behave the same way with you because they are skittish with what they also have. So you grow up in a bubble wondering how to move forward.I instantly focused on my emotions as a child. I felt things so much. I still do. I gave myself the task of bridging gaps, wanting to be useful and likable. That;s not a bad thing in itself. It was just a choice. That choice produces its range of options. If I choose differently, I will have that choices range of options.,,and on and on. No right answer, just an action and reaction.

sunlight can kill covid

My friends visited yesterday. They shall be travelling back to New York where they live in early October. They have been here ever since late January. They usually come every year, so they are basically natives. But this time around, they obviously never expected to have such a long stay. We had a great covid aware time. I discussed my neice yesterday and her situation with dating in these covid-19 times. It certainly is not business as usual. However, it brings up new ways to do things and to do them in a way that everyone is comfortable. I do not think that it slows down everything you do. You just become more aware of yourself and the other person. Every moment is hightened. I like the fact that I do not have to worry about driving, or about what to wear specifically for that day. Although for my classes, I have worn my working clothes from top to bottom, as that level of professionalism is to me, a great incentive to what I do. I am hoping that before the year ends, that I will have at least one or two extra things done in my arsenal of teaching processes. There are things that can be either on U-Tube or modulized in some way to add to how I presently do my work. I have always used PDF's, but now I want to do some sort of animated slideshowing. I like what is happening this month. I am getting somewhere. There is the book, the catalogue and exhibition pieces to do along with teaching. I can make plans! I can make plans!!! O yes!!! I am so happy about that!!!!

My neice is twenty-three and she is going on a date soon. She has had friendships with boys, but she's never actually dated. So she is champing at the bit to finally spend some time with someone she says her stomach dosn't flip over when she talks to him. Now that may sound odd. you want to have your tummy filled with butterflies. In her interpretation, she means chringing feeling. She has waited a very long time for some first experiences. and she felt comfortable enough to talk with me about it, and I am so flattered. I was letting her know that going out with someone at a time like this provides more stress than one would expect. She has to tell him to contact trace before they can meet. When they do meet, the both have to wear masks. They cannot hold hands. If you want to date during covid-19 you really cannot be cavalair about it. I think that it is a way to really seperate the serious from the joker. If they go for a walk, which may be the wisest thing to do, then they cannot really go to a restaurant to sit down, as everywhere is on a curbside system. I'd suggest a sightseeing walk. The next thinh is her mother, my sister. My sister is going to want to meet him, so it is best that she lets her meet him in the sitting room in the lobby. That way he can be comfortable and she can also feel less weird because my sister is going to grill him like a cheese sandwich. Perhaps the date should just happen in the lobby and be marked as the first one. My niece is such a sweety! She has had a remarkable life already, and she is gearing up to make the most of what she has. I love her to death! My daughter loves her too. They are so close. It is absolutely adorable when they get together. They are nine years apart, but that does not seem like a big gap with them. They share music and shows and talk about everything under the sun. As she ventures into new territory. I think that she shall take her time. But even if she doesn't. I know that she will learn a lot from the experience.

New challenges came to me today. I had my first ZOOM class ever. But I was prepared. However there were one or two hiccups that were quickly dealt with. I must say that I miss the personal interaction, but that cannot be helped. There are many advantages that can be explored. I can pre-prepare things and insert them into my classes. I can consider ways to do interactive things with the students. A number of things come to mind. I'd planned on writing more, but from the moment I began to writing now, I am exhausted. So I shall take this up tomorrow.

After slowly working on projects over the last few months, the daily efforts are paying off in tangible things to continue to focus on. Tomorrow I shall be doing my first virtual class and the university is not prepared. However, I have to be ready no matter what. So I am moving along to my plans B, C and D. I shall be writing about the experiences, I am absolutely sure. I am excited about working again. I also have two exhibitions to prepare for and some considerations regarding how to do the Symposia that was supposed to do in March,now carded for March 2021. I am grateful to be able to focus on so much. My ex-husband is at it yes again. I may have written about it already. He now wants me to only visit our daughter at his home, and I cannot overnight. So that would mean seeing her for a few hours at a time with the understanding that I would have to leave in the evenings. He would then want me to pay three times the amount I presently pay. I have started my counter proposal and have to have it ready before the end of the month. As usual, all of these things are not boring, that's for sure. I am involved with a friend of the family on an audacious project that should begin to come together in 2021/2022 and that is also extremely exciting. Also, when I stand in place long enough, a few new projects fall in my lap. I can never say that I am lacking ideas, and that makes me feel so happy. With all that focuses my mind, when I am faced with the challenges I have, I am always appreciative that those things keep my optimistic and above all, confident about what I can actually do.

with all of that happening

I had a lovely surprising reprieve from juliemangoman. He sent me an unexpected note that has kept me smiling. It was just so sweet, and I appreciated it....and I want to keep that feeling in my pocket...as my neice says. So nice, so lovely...just....ahhhhhhh.

cobwebbing

The day after my friend 'broke up' with me, my ex-husband sent me a Lawyers letter. It was not entirely unexpected, but of course I was not considering that I would get it when I did. He of course wants me to have the time I get to see our daughter reduced considerably from the very generous (to him) every fortnight for two days...to my going to his home (no overnighting was specifically mentioned...as though I would want to even consider that!) and he wnts me to pay three times what I do now. After the break up, this other thing was just a pile on. However, I did what I have become very pleased with doing for myself. I sat with the emotins and I let it filter through me. I was not afraid. I was not upset or angry. I thought about our wonderful daughter and I was also even able to recall really good times with him in our past. In fact for the last few weeks he has been coming to mind a great deal. I even found myself speaking about him quite a bit and even defending much of his behavior to others to set the record straight about him...so that's why I write that I knew something might be up. But still...I was not fully expecting such a letter. I have to the end of the month to respond, and respond I definitely shall. This year I find that my writing these last few weeks have really gone deeply into territory that I usually protect within myself. I feel vulnerable. But, I like the feeling. It helps clear up the things that I feel I cannot touch, and are so cobwebbed, so much a pattern of my character, where I think that if I don't touch these feelings, I could just procrastinate and they may disappear. I do write about difficult things, but, even so, therre are things that I am just shy of admitting fully. I am getting there with these last few entries because I just want to get them out of my system, my mind...onto a black piece of paper and really syep away from the preceived conflict. I feel so good doing this.

Break up

My friend whom I have discussed here a while back called me on Monday and basically broke up with me. It was the wierdest thing! Two days before the incident, she called me about five times to help her with her usual project. There was nothing ontoward in the exchange. Then I had my daughter for the week-end and did not hear from her as I usually would. I sent her a text letting her know that I was taking my weekend for myelf and my daughter , but did not get a response from her. On Monday I decided to send her some images for her project. I did not get a reply from her. Instead I got a call that began with a statement question. Of late she has been doing that to me. She asks me a question but it is really a statement. I brought that to her attention right away and decided then and there that I was not going down this road with her again. I saw all of the signs and I beat her at the pass. I spoke up and made it very clear to her that this was not about me...a trigger statement that I know she hates, but I had to state it, becuase it was indeed what was going on. I then stated that I would withdraw in every way, if he felt in some way put upon by me. I think that she was not expecting that, and tried to rally by telling me that perhaps we need a break. I found that absolutely laughable, particulalry when she is the one calling me almost all of the time. She even tells me this when she calls. After the last big blow up that we had, I have noticed two things about our relationship. The first was that after trying to get her to agree to discuss what had happened and how to be better communicators. she did not want to have the conversation...and secondly, when she would call me about her project and I would give the advice that she saught, she would say disparaging things about herslef that I always had to call out as absurd. She would say things like, well I am not as bright as you...or, well, I only went to high school! These things were horrible! They aso told me that she was still carrying a grudge from the blow up. This time, I am tired. I told her that the proverbial ball is absolutely in her court. If she ever wants to talk to me again, fine. If she doesnt, fine as well. I cannot seem to please her and I have no intention of trying. She has made being friends very unpallitable to me. I have been feeling as though friendship with her is a job, and one where I have to wait forever on my payment and I work damn long hours. Lol. This has been something else. I do not know what to make of it really! I can only assume that the distancing, social distancing is for my best mental health.

Don't be frightened

My day was going really well. Then I decided to check my email, only to be faced with a Lawyers letter from my ex-husband. He is at it again. He is trying to extort money out of me while giving me even less time with our daughter. Now he wants me to be the one to visit when he feels like allowing me to. He also stipluates that I am not allowed to stay overnight. I can however speak with her on the phone when he allows it. Control freak anyone? In the past, I would be so emotiona about the letter. I would be frightened and devastated. Now, because he has pulled this over and over again,I warned my child that this was what he was going to do next. What can I learn here? What am I to do? I know what I am not going to do? I am not going to sip from his cup of poison, that's for sure. In four years our daughter shall be an adult. This situation shall not last forever,it only feels that way, and boy does it ever. Yet, by writing about this, there is my side, another side, and that side is not a weak side as I have always believed. He has played this hand one too many times. I would love to delete this post. But I am not going to do so because I shall prevail.

Hikikomori

Over the last few weeks I have been working steadily. I have stopped worrying about outcome or income. Having a sense of discipline feels so good. I know that it is all about controlling some part of my life. Nine months on from the first knowledge of Covid-19, there is a constant push and pull of views about getting back to work and locking back down. Here at home, we now have the dreaded community spread, and no one is going back to school until 2021. The Pandemic has obviously changed every single thing we human beings do, thank and are. We talk about 'the new normal.' The new normal is everything but. We want to live, but we have a contagion. How do we live that way? To go out is to risk getting the disease, and the information we all have about contact tracing makes every movement a weighted, challenge on many fronts. The only thing to do is to live in a way that I actually read about three to four years ago and was so intruigued by that I discussed it many times with people. Now it seems that those Japanese people knew something. They are called Hikikomori. We are all now living such a life.

Living with imperfections and empathy

My child called me last night to vent about one of her favorite shows writer making a thoughtless racist comment on a Twitter feed. This is particularly agregious to her as she also has to deal with her own father's image right now. She and I have never been closer to a difficult reality such as this. On the one hand, the favorite show is a moment of entertainment. Her father is forever. How do you deal with someone who believes that their race is an impediment, yet, uses said impediment as a crutch to state that they are one, discriminated against and two, the reason that the disrimination happens is because another group keeps his group down? Worst of all, there is woeful little proof of such a belief. He can write all that he does in a public forum. He goes on seminars, he is listened to. There are countries in the world where such freedom of speech is met with jail time. However, because this situation is such a hotbed, I find that I have been trying to understand where his hate comes from? I spent almost a whole day with a Reporter/Researcher whom I know casually, and whom I respect, telling her about him. She too was confused by his vile article and past writings denigrating the very group he received so much help from for a very large part of his life. I have to conclude that his disappointment with the way things turned out for (only him)was such that he cannot move forward as a well adjusted emotional being. he has to blame someone outside of himself. He thus sees the problem as a race and not as something that he has experienced that was difficult and has to be seen as not unique to him. But that has definitely prooven impossible. So now he is writing things that reflect what he has never worked out within himself. Yesterday I was very tempted to contact him. But I now realize that I can do nothing but look on. He has chosen his path and he walks it. What I care about is that our child gets no splash back for his actions. Then, on my part, it shows me that there is complexity in love. He was a huge part of my life for a very long time. I do not make a distinction between the person I am constantly challenged by and the person who loved me so much. I do not have to like him now. I do not have to like his behavior. But I will always care about him, and if he is ever in need of something or he is hurt or ill, of course I would do what I can to assist. I conclude that I must have empathy where he is concerned. I must have it, as whatever he is going through, it is hard to watch and hard to know about. As last week, so many people just had to tell me all about what he did. It does not matter that I have divorced him many years ago. I tell people that, and they still turn to me for answers about him! Go figure? He is kept alive in my thoughts all the time. I cannot ignore it outright. So I have decided that it will be my decision to respond to him and about him as is comfortable for me. He does not represent me in any way and he does not represent our child either. All of this tells me to also keep my focus and my eye on the best for the lovely person we created together, and that is the point that I will deal with whatever comes down the road.

The weeks ahead shall be exciting. I am venturing into new territory. There is some fear in the prospect,but today I see fear differently. It no longer breaths its cold air upon my heart, tightening it up and making me tremble. I now respect it as a feeling onto itself. I see, I see you, I get a whiff of your ice. But I also say thank you. You stand with me to let me know that anything is possible, including errors, something that I cringe over. Yet, that too is part of the journey. I guess I am growing up. Lol.

One of the things I think I defined for myself this year is to listen to my body in regard to people and situations that I need clarity on. Too many things have happened to ignore it. I listen differently. I would say more pro-actively, for myself and the person I am speaking to. What motivates the outburst? What does it "trigger' in me? What do I want to achieve by expending my energy in a particular way? This means that I can see (the play) I watch the situation as one would a chess game. It is extremely helpful to me now,as finally, finally I am utilizing my ability and skills in my life. I have always felt as though I had no control over my life, particularly as a very young adult. Now,by stilling myself, by being more conscious of my intentions and definately, now that I can set my intentions and stay focused, life is much more manageable for me.

Back into LOCK DOWN

I take a moment to be grateful. I stop my mind from overprocessing and flipping over onto itself every minute detail of consequences and alternatives to what I am experiencing right now. Yes, I am writing about Juliemangoman. But before I explore that, I must go into a situation that happened yesterday. My mother had a falling out with me and we had a back and forth. We have not argued in a long time, so the outburst was odd, and I of course felt right away that I had points that I wanted to get across and I wanted to be heard. Naturally needing to be heard requires talking loudly. Then suddenly for me, I had a sort of out of body experience where I observed both of us and I got mindful of what was happening in my body as we expressed ourselves. I realised that I could push away from the negative energy that we were creating. I did what Eckhart Tolle writes about, I found the space between us and the argument. In so doing, I was able to seperate myself from the words hurled at me and see that her outburst was not about me at all. Once that happened, I was able to forgive the argument, but also, I was able to have empathy with her. I could see that everything she was saying was out of her fear and her sadness and of course her bereavement. We have been through so much. She must expel the emotions that have nowhere to go. Of course I was still smarting from the encounter when we went to the pool, and I was quiet as I did my laps. But I too needed to have a moment. I wanted an apology knowing very well that none would come....see the last entry regarding complements from others. (lol) Later, when my child and I spoke and she told me that her father finally complemented her on her work, she was annoyed that he did it so late. I let her know that while he would have done it too late in her mind, he did do it, and in a way, she has been able to be her own cheering squad in the meantime, and that what she feels about herself is ultimately more important. So now back to juliemangoman. If I jettison fear and anxiety, I find that I can vaguely see the woman I used to be. The one who had the attitude that men were inferior to me. (yes, I believed this wihtout reservation) and it was the reason that I was able to be very removed from my experiences even with my husband. It protected me. Now, I am in freefall as far as my emotions are concerned. My rules have flown out the window and I feel like an ugly duckling. But I also feel elated about stepping away from the gilded cage I made myself. I am considering going for it. Meaning, being vulnerable, (SURRENDERING) Accepting myself. Being vulnerable. I actually always am, I just color it with arrogance (lol) I always had to have one over on whomever I was with, even when they thought that they were in control. ALso, I had to always pull back, always have something in reserve that could not be reached. Now I find that I feel completely exposed in every way. It is such a strange feeling. I feel a natural trust and comfort and I aso feel so frightened to give anything. Yet, my body betrays me every time. My body gallops ahead of me and wants to play with him. (ha,ha,ha) I am someone who always wants guarantees. I act once I weigh all of the moves. In this situation, I relish the spontaneity. I enjoy and appreciate removing all of the social moreys that create the illusion that you are having a relationship with another person that is so great until it isn't. Being so far away from the other we do not check in with each other all the time. We are going about our lives. When we do check in, we are present. I now know that our government has made it clear that the country shall remain in lockdown for the rest of the year. he wants to come home and I know that he will definately try to do that as soon as he can. This pandemic leaves everything up in the air and expectations very open...it is absolutely organic. Who knows what can happen next? All I know is that we met each other three years ago and the attraction is still there, and perhaps that is enough.

One experience and I am off as though I am in a race with a great reward at the end. I ask myself, what do I have to lose? Ok, I have all of these things I have to work on and I don't want to be watched too closely. But there is a saying that I remembered,

love does not find you at your best, it finds you in a mess

. That is so funny. That is how I feel about myself. But what if I take a look at the other side. What about I focus on what I do have for a damn minute? When I do that,I instantly realise that it is myself I am always at war with. In asking what is it that I feel that I want,I see that I want myself first. I want to be at peace with myself, for in that peace I can breath. So why is it that I am always wrangling with myself, always fretful? I want to get some relief, both with solutions to what I fall back to complain about, but also, from the constant challenge to by psyche. It is a tough thing to do, and guess what, I am finally seeing why I have been terrified to ask someone to sooth me with good words. I fear that because I may be soothed in a bath of complements,but that that is but a superficial salve, and that at the end of the day, it could never go deeply into my heart to convince me that it is actually true. It would never be true as long as I do not believe it. So wanting it from others, or moreso, wanting it from a partner, already prooves problematic. The co-dependency must be scrutinized. I can see today as well that in always wanting to make myself right, I have sacrificed some of my greater desires. I have made myself right for the very things that I DO NOT WANT to be in my heart. But now I must be kind to myself, as a large part of that agreement has occured through moments of sadness, pain, depression and helplessness. It comes from childood on the playground. It comes from looking for it ever since in the words of others, as though I was not enough for me. I sought acceptance outside of myself until I could come to a place where I could see the big picture for what it is, a picture. Not etched in stone, but ongoing in its vision. The complements I crave must first come from my assurance that it is actually true on the inside. So to allow such kindness from without, I must acknowledge it from within. I have to know that I am beautiful, that I am loving, kind, fun, a great friend. I add to the list and as I squirm at the very thought that I can see myself in perfection with all of my frailties, only then can I accept the love that I want from without.

Terrified terrific

Being in conflict with yourself is a literal hell of a thing. Juliemangoman and I had some fun yesterday, and I have found that knowing him has shifted my thinking about relationships and even my perceptions of myself. I wrote a while back that I am used to being pursued. But also, my expectations have never been challenged as they have now. I have always been fact checking my desires. As a prolific list maker, I have not ever really given thought to the other side of that comfortable behavior until now. He is the first person I have met who is so open, yet I don't know a great deal about him. I know that I can ask him anything, and I feel that I can also tell him anything and he would not be judgemental. I realise that I squirm when I think about wanting something more, as covid-19 in particular keeps us apart. But now I am wondering to myself, what's wrong with just enjoying this amn as I have always said? He makes me happy. There, I said it. He makes me happy. I really, really like him. Watching him yesterday in his kitchen and around his son was just special. I feel awkward. I am constantly looking critically at myself. Doing that is tireing. I have things that I want to change. I have things that I am not able to accept and that wears on me every day. It keeps me back and it makes me sad too. Yet, sometimes, I can rise above that and just be damn thankful to be fucking alive! When I move past those things, I feel so much better. This is my struggle, and I have to deal with it. In so doing, I know that someone's attraction to me brings with it some doubt that is on my side because of how I feel about myself. I also know that I am shooting mself in the foot whenever I bring myself down as I do. I cannot be attractive because I am projecting the worst thoughts to myself. So what to do? I come here. I write it down. I look at it. I hear my thoughts. I make a resolution to do and be better. That is a start. Yesterday I could not believe how much I just loved spending some time talking with him and flirting and getting up to some naughtiness too. He brings out a side of me that I like. I have been so afraid to put my feeling out and the insecurity I have about my physical appearance compounds it. I would like to talk with him about it perhaps...but I am a bit skittish because there is also pride and fear of appearing needy., when what it really is is the ability to be vulnerable. You cannot have any relationship without letting down your guard. I know that I feel so comfortable with him, so it is just me having old assumptions based on my experiences. I think that that last situation with that person I have known for over a decade that went nowhere and then we never spoke again, was not very helpful.So that does not make things any better. So I am also faced with when someone acts bizaarly too, where am I factoring in that shit? SO for me, I am in flux...feeling confident and then feeling exposed and weird at the same time. Feeling like a mess. I think that when I speak with him again I will talk a bit about it. I think that I can. He makes me feel good and I thnk that it is time to reveal a bt more about myself to him.

Color and coloured

It has been a while since I have last posted. I had a situation with my power cord to my machine. So much has gone on that I cannot begin from the beginning. Voting just ended in my country and the Opposition ran a racist campaign. (Yeh,they actually did that) and now one of 'their' companies has been boycotted and they cannot understand why they have to pay for one person's racist statements. Today I have to write that I am extremely pleased with the stance on racism. Covid-19 has equalized so many aspects of life. Right now we are still facing the fallout of the Oppositions racist rants online everywhere and on your phone too. But I see further along. There is a great opportunity to define better for all of us. One person in response to the boycott has suggested that they create an apatheid sytem. Yes, that is the thinking of one of the Oppositions supporters. This development begs the question, can things really change? The answer is an unequivocal yes. Citizens do not have to take one groups impression of them as the only way. That is what abolition of slavery was all about. One is not helpless or homeless. There is not only one way to do something. You do not have to purchase anything from anyone who takes your money and deems you a cockroach as the person stated in their rant. Cockroaches educated them cockroaches made them wealthy. Well these cockroaches are now marching with our cockroach money away from you racist opinions and building something much better, and guess what, we don't hate you. Racism is a sickness. We know that you are hurting and want to see life as a skin color. We get it. Poverty can seem to be a race. But it really isnt. Name a country where there is no poverty? I may not see many of a certain race in destitution in my country, but I certainly see it when I visit their country of origin and it all looks the same. Confronting raist stereotyping is so healthy for the wrld to discuss. It must be seen as an outdated, dispiccable practice that must be wiped from the face of the Earth. Until that time, the growing pains of our opposition is a test to us all and an opportunity to truly act like the better human beings we can become.

Land of the free the war is at home

America is on fire and having WWIII with itself! This has been a very long time in coming. The 25 million unemployed American's and the killing of George Floyd boiled over to create this shit show that continues as I speak. I am waiting to hear that America understands that sweeping reforms must begin from the top down in their country, and that right away, an Act must be made in Congress to change whatever law literally shields Police. But also, whatever moneys were being given to Americans for covid-19 relief, that has to be increased, and people given something to tide them over the millions of lost jobs. But right now, all that I am hearing, even with what I just heard from the possibly soon to be elected Democratic choice for President, Joseph Biden, nothing will really change. They are so close to being able to make major change, and I really hope that they grasp the opportunity, and I am looking on with hope and my fingers crossed.

down

I am feeling a bit down tonight. I miss my dad. Then, my ex-husband is at his usual crap again. As I write, I know that I shall be better. But just for now I feel as though the tide is way out, or as though all of the threads that keep me together have come apart.That is not the case, but it is just what I feel in this moment. I have to climb out of it one thought at a time. After all, it was a lovely day. Despite the one thing that has the world, or at least America up in arms and thus, all black people..the killing of George Floyd. As much as that pains, as much as the rage regarding that keeps one vigilant and resigned, the day was good. It was just coming down to tonight, my eyes hurt, the things that I struggle with just felt closer, and from that, it was so easy to slip into the skin of sadness. I get this foolish way where I want to believe that everything has gone pear shaped and somehow I am so helpless.But if I turn the idea around and look at it from another angle, then I could equally ask, what is it that I think I need, and the answer is always the same...a win of some sort. Something to make me feel better. It is a feeling that I have more loss than gain. That is all that it is, and usually, I would say to myself that a good night sleep is what I need, and I am right. But for now, this sinking , inky feeling is what I have and I shall live with it for now,as I know that it shall not last.

what about what you don't want

Everything was more or less good until something resonated the wrong way and then was left to fester. Who survives such foolishness unless someone else chooses to look past it? That was the case yesterday in London with Boris Johnson's Senior Advisor Dominic Cummings., whose coming and going was brought up for scrutiny in light of quarantine laws. Thus, the observation of before and after. What was the catalyst that sent a perfectly lovely experience into one of enmity? It suggests that no matter how high minded I want to appear to be, I too have my limits and standards regarding friendship, and that tells me that I reacted to something that I have a strong feeling about within myself. I like you as long as you like me? When you suddenly start finding fault, I become thin skinned. Why are you suddenly being so contrary? Why are you making demands on me? How can relationships just flow? They do? But then, we are always shifting and adjusting ourselves to slight and severe views that we aspire to. Thus all of this becomes amusing. What is the fight about? You didn't behave as I expected, so now I draw a big black marker over your head and shun you. Or you shun me and a thousand little cuts. What are we really protecting? Let me hurt you before you hurt me? Nobody wins this insane pretzel test!

attraction

So after my friend revealed her ass to me, A behavior I always heard her talk about, but never associated it with our friendship, I now wonder what else I need to learn from it? I just wrote about the pervasive disease of negative self beliefs. You do not need anyone else to help you feel badly, in fact, as hard as it is to acknowledge, you probably pull the people toward you who can help you agree with all of the crap you tell yourself. You choose relationships and then you get down to making it comfortable. If it is friendship, then it is based on similarities and structures that engage and entertain you. If it is love, then there is a sexual component along with compatibility. You have to accept some responsibility for the pleasures gained from the association.You say to yourself, my friend understands me, supports me...gets my moods and my quirks and likes me. I like them back. When you disagree, the relationship usually should be able to withstand the differences. What has happened to me, is that the echoes of things she has told me about the way she views and has treated her own family now resonates loudly in my ears as I am on the receiving end of her behavior. She represents herself as a victim. But not only is she not a victim, she is a very cunning predator. She contacted me yesterday and she asked me how I was doing and then got right into what she wanted from me. Yet again, I marveled at that. She had no qualms at all. She does this with her children to. They go out of their way to do whatever they can for her, but she nitpicks about what she feels was not done to her exacting requirements. How can someone ever be happy when all that they see is what they believe, they don't want or isn't exactly as they wan it? It is like, she wants $100. You give her $100 in $50,20,20,$10. She complains that you gave her two $20 and a $10. My God! What are you doing to yourself? What are you doing to your life? What sort of mental illness is this? OCD much!?! To me, that kind of behavior smacks of entitlement. That can get out of hand. It makes relationships become strained. What is all of that criticism about? The similarities between my ex-husband and her is so acute right now? Being so, I question why am I attracted to such people? You are supposed to attract what you are or what you need to work on...I read that somewhere once. I have definately been critical in my past. No doubt about it. I am now very self critical, and working on it all of the time, and seeing improvements and I am very excited and pleased about that. It is all about expectations and feeling that you do not control your life. (Which you really don't) But you also do control your world. You control the way you want to express yourself within it. Also, there is so much democracy in a situation. We reached an impasse because we both believe that our 'feelings' were not being acknowledged. The whole thing is mental! Really, really stupid! But it is real to both of us. This is getting rather long and I am not sure that my point is getting across...I shall make this two entries instead of one long one.

old constructs and new ways forward

The many issues I have faced since my Fathers' passing has kept me even more contemplative than ever. What is the point of it all crops up, and I do my best to stave off depression over his loss. There is a topic that I have been taking into account because of all of my feelings being so raw, and that is the way I have made some things in my life a great challenge over time by my own expectations. I look back now and see that I had opportunities to change where I am now into something so much easier to have been handled. But at that time, the thing itself seemed so insurmountable. What I must do for myself now is to be conscious that whatever I am facing now, I must do everything in my ability to not think that way again. Even when things seem impossible, and absolutely hopeless, the best thing to do is to at least put it down. Adding to the issue with negative views of yourself only creates more of it. You have to be there to see the thing through. Adding doom and gloom to the problem as I know now, is a sure fire way to stay in the muck. Observing what my friend did to me has been an excellent guide to seeing how a belief structure works. And, as I stated before, why would anyone in their right mind want to sabotage themselves? The bad feelings come up and they appear completely real. Before you know it, your walking around with it as though it was always part of your physical make-up. It gets into your pours. You see it in the mirror behind your smile. The very death it creates to all of your hopes, plans and dreams is astounding!I am guarding against that foe now, as it creeps up as such a supportive friend.

LOVE is real in friendship

A few days ago my mother and I were talking and something occured to me. it is obvious, but somehow, that moment made the thought quite poignant. We were looking at our family dynamic. Our family are seen as the most successful. Other members of my family are doing very well in my estimation. However, my parents have always been envied, and they ave been discussed behind their backs by other family members in my presence and the presence of my sister. Many times, together when we were children. No one dared say anything to my parents, but they took great pleasure in gossiping behind their backs. The gossip would be about who do we think we are? We have so and so, and our house is a castle and we feel we are so special. Naturally this colored our childhood and when we got older, my sister and I swore, along with one of our cousins, that we would NEVER do that to each other. My cousin was the first and only one to fold after making that promise. My sister and I have lived our lives by communicating with each other all the time. I can tell her anything and I do and she does that with me. If the topic is really sensitive, I tell her or she tells me that it is hard to talk about and we make the time and space to work on whatever is the challenge. So, we were talking about that, and suddenly I saw how much the belief that other people are having 'great' lives while you are not, is a fallacy. How do you even know this? Every person has challenges. I love that statement made by a dear family friend who said this about the Queen more than a decade ago. So, now, I am thinking about that, and taking it further when thinking about people who appear to have it all. They may have what may appear to be everything....house or houses, car or cars, access to all types of wealth...but they also can have mental illness, or loss of love or lack of. They may be lonely? Of course their are people very satisfied with their lives of all financial stripe as well, and that is successful. I had a student who showed me that at a time in his life where to me he had his plate filled with stresses. he got married during completing his degree. He and his wife lived with his parents and then when she got pregnant, they had to move to her family as his family started acting odd. One day I had taken the class out to one of our gorgeous hotels for a musical and artistic showing. At one point there was an intermission and the students were allowed to wonder around for half an hour. I found him looking at one of the really stunning views, just quiet and engaged. He turned to me and told me that he used to come to this very spot and look out at the world, so appreciative of the fact that he is alive within it. When he said that to me, my view of him increased to deep regard. I now know this Father of three soon to be adults and his wife, and I have seen him embrace life. i have seen him travel, and explore new things. I have seen his good attitude to life and to work. He makes me see in his small and not so small gestures, that it is always up to us to make it the best it can be and then some. It doesn't take money, it doesn't take luck, it doesn't take friends. It takes your attitude every single time. Of course he has had stumbles, he's had debt. he's had illness. But he has also had his faith and his joy in being alive and I appreciate him tremendously. PS: I tried to tell him how much he means to me a few years ago, and what I mean to him floored me. I was so moved by his regard for me that I nearly cried. It is important for me to write this now, particularly in regard to the challenges I look at as such.

Corona Virus relationships

Trying to get my friend to communicate what her views were against what mine were has proven to be a disaster. What I have come to notice is that I am now in the que of people she used to talk to me about. Where did I ever consider that I was somehow not perceived as she does everyone else? In the past I would literally tell her that I am not one of her old friends. I would not tell her things that I didn't mean, lie to her or pretend with her. I have worked very hard to make her see that I am willing to give her hard truths when she asks, but more so, I go the distance by helping her through the difficulty to the other side. However, I have now come to the place where that is the past. In fact, I am a bit relieved. It has been at a cost for me as her friend. It has been exhausting to re-assure her, and to support her, only to occassionally see her go down her path of self-destruction. All of this feels like the Covid-19 virus as friendship. I am stressed, dismayed, because I am in mourning for my dad, and her attitude is selfish and callous as far as I can see. As long as I am helping her with her projects (that fortunately we worked a cost out for) her sensitivity to me is zero. But I have been there before with her on these pages. She told me that that was who she was when she talked about other people and her issues with them. What made me think that I was special? I thought that we met on a mental level of mutual respect and consideration. I thought that we looked out for each other and had great communication and would be able to be real and true. But that was the relationship I shared with my darling friend who died and saw her as his replacement. Well I can wail to the Heavens now to say to him, you were absolutely wrong, she is nothing like you!!!! They shared the same birth date, but she is nothing like him at all, and I never compared them. So what now? I tried to get to a place in the conversation that I had to bring up, that we are at an impass with the discussion, and we need to work it out if we are to go forward in our friendship. I felt as though I was speaking Swahili. She is hell bent on holding her ground. So, for me, I have no intention of trying to make her see my point of view. It is a waste of time. She argued this way weeks ago regarding her rent and her children, so I can now see that happening with me as the same result. At the time she said that she would not apologize, she's a grown woman and she isn't going to back down no matter who is right. That I did react too by telling her how could things improve with her family relationships if that was her way of thinking! Now I see that that is part of her character. What all of this has also done for me is to make me look at what is said and how one behaves against that complaint. Her actions rally are cautionary, everything she has argued about others with me, she reflects. That is a known quote. But now, seeing it in action leaves me amazed! I have to check the things I also say. Am I going to start listening more closely at people I want to have longer relationships with to see whether they may turn out to be more harmful than helpful? I believe as always that any issue is about communications. I thought my friend would at least be able to come to the realsation that we did not have to agree, but we do have to respect the others opinion enough to say, you know what, I may not agree, or understand what you feel, but I am willing to say that I don't and I am willing to do better, or I am sorry that we disagree. She did none of these things and her profession is all about analyzing people and giving her advice. So for me, Physician, heal thyself.

up and down

I felt that way today. A rush of emotions regarding the death of my Father. I have been there before with my partner, but this is my father, so although I know the feeling, every death is different.A parent, the ultimate. So I just kept quiet, and felt it and felt it. I woke up and felt the entirety of covid-19 from the aspect of "what is my future now?" Things will never be the same. Even what I wanted to be doing, I am now so conscious that I don't even know whether it can be done as I envisioned it. My Mother put it well, she says that the world is in free fall. There is some freedom in that statement though, because you could really just fling up your hands and conclude that any thought you have now about anything is indeed personal to you and relevant to the situation at hand and going forward.

The Love you feel in life is a reflection of the love you feel in yourself - Deepak Chopra ...................................................................... I always seem to find the right statement when I am writing about a topic close to my emotional needs. Lol. Well Deepak Chopra stated the above and it clicked with me that I am at odds with myself, and that is why I was reflecting it back to myself with juliemangoman. He is neutral, and he showed me that when I asked him what he wants and he threw the question back to me.It is so jokey how much I can see with this experience, how much everything isn't about the subject of my interest but about how I reflect myself all of the time. If I am constantly battling how I feel about the way that I look, I am exhausted. I am way too tired to be able to put a good impression out, but more so, how can I keep attraction going? For example, as a friend told me decades ago, you don't know why someone likes you...that is about them. You respond according to what you like. So why do we always put it on the other person? So, I attracted what I want. But then, I worry about keeping it, or I worry about whether I really want it. I always find it so funny as well how I behave when I meet my crush and then how I act when I know the person awhile. I still have my core belief, but it becomes a comfortable belief. I ramp up my expectations. So, if they suddenly have a different opinion that threatens me, I either want to understand what is going on to bring the situation back to where I want it to be, or I start wondering about compatibility. In a way I move true to my zodiac sign. (ha,ha...walking sideways and retreating into my shell) Now,I see that perhaps all of that control that I hold to is all well and good, but it has its place in a relationship with myself and not so much with another person. That judgement has its downside. I can observe difference, I can mention it. I can move with it, around it, left or right off it. But to stack it up and then use it to control someone! Come on. Then, I am not in a relationship for mutual benefit. I am in it for what supports my ego, and I am not about that, and that was the issue with my friend after knowing her for twenty years. I was floored by.

Yesterday I had one conversation after another on my favorite subject, creating works. I am bouncing off the walls with all that came through my mind as i discussed my way ahead. It goes hand in hand with what I was writing yesterday about believing my own propaganda. The inconsistency between what is wanted and what has to be done to get it has always been an issue. I am fortunate to be able to observe it in my experiences with others and myself. I put an idea out and I get my sketchbook and I write down the vision. During that time I am in the flow. I am excited, I love what the idea looks like and where it can go. I am such a visual person that I pack the vision with details and I feel them. Great. Then, I proceed to look around and see how I can bring it into my world. Usually, I am doing it on paper, and that also works very well. So what is my problem? When I have my first speed bump, it usually entails money, but it can also include people. Many times I see my moving forward as something I need people to assist me to do. That is time consuming and brings with it the challenges of scheduling and compatibility of personalities. The other big one is money. How can I do this idea when I need a certain amount of money. Once I have to stall my project because of those two things, upset sets in and for me, I then consider what I can do. Sometimes, all I feel I can do is stop and re-evaluate it and also put it down for awhile until I can consider a solution. This has been going on with me for many, many years. So what has changed? I am more aware of how I talk to myself for one. My attitude is now one where I talk to myself about incremental steps. The finish line is off in the distance and what I am doing now is being pleased with the fact that I am starting whatever the project is. I have all of the old files and sketches and processes behind me. That is an asset, not a negative thing. I know that I am not a sprinter but a marathon runner. So right now, I have been thinking that a proper studio is urgent for me. It is, but until I sort it out, the solution is to stack and to take notes and to schedule. What does all of that good stuff to do with my run in with my friend the other day and the split from her toxic behavior? I have taken what to me is a damn long ass time to really feel comfortable in my skin in regard to what I want to be doing. I have had small moments of confidence, but most of all, I think that I never really declared it in terms of how I would view doing it day by day, week by week and beyond. I believe that my daily walking pre covid-19, was a big part of helping me. So now I am excited about the tiny steps that lead to the big results. Those steps matter a great deal, and as I plan with my daughter toward securing her future, those small steps with purpose are re-assuring. It has also meant that I check myself with what I say to myself all of the time. I want this or that...stay the course. Keep the focus. I can do that. I did it as a child. I have done it throughout the years, but I flub it off as just those moments when things seem to come together. I remember when I was in my early twenties and I was really terrified that I would go through my life reacting and not acting. It took time to still myself in an awareness that I will make mistakes and be ok, survive and even thrive despite a setback. Taking care of myself is something that I continue to work on and learn from. This is becoming a bigger statement...so I will continue in another entry.

excitement

Although I am one of those persons whose life before quarantine was pretty much as it is now, even I had a moment or two where I just didn't stick to wanting to do much of anything. Just a few moments ago I received the governments implementations for a gradual return to pre Covid-19 life that goes into August. This makes me excited, as I feel the optimism of firmer planning beyond just my concerns. Also, a dear friend and supporter of my work had a chat with me today about working together. This was after yet another friend and colleague called me prior to him. This week has been filled with such moments, and I am truly grateful for that. It has been just what I needed, particularly as the person I mentioned who has been contentious, contacted me as well this morning with a cursory greeting and then went straight into asking me to help her with something. I have decided that at this time, that part, where I work on things, is all that I desire to do for her, as it is something that I have assisted her with, worked on and agreed to a small stipend for. Conversations do not matter, as I know the spiel with her. I bring up the awkward moments. I work at turning things around, as more and more she has not wanted to listen to what I am saying, although she has asked me for advice. She argued with everything I said to avoid acting to change her situation, and I had to conclude that she just wanted to complain. That caused me pause at the time, but then I decided that all of that is part of friendship, and I would do what I could and not be an asshole by judging her behavior too harshly. Despite the way that I sound,I am simply about preserving myself now and here I make no apologies for that. What's also interesting with the situation is my story too. I don't think that I have placed a whole narrative about her in my mind, but obviously I have, and we all do. That experience has bled into what I began to get at with juliemangoman, where now that we are communicating more, he calls me every few days. I am not used to that at all. I am familiar with calls every day or every other day. I had to do my best not to be judge-y about that with him. I had to remind myself that it isn't like he can get on a plane and come visit me next week. We do not know when that shall be, so in this instance, I have no template. I can try to control it, but I know that it would not make a difference and it makes me a bit anxious and excited at the same time. In fact, this deserves another entry, and I shall do that later today when I think on it some more...but I really am curious about the fact that the thoughts that you place on things are not necessarily the truth. You hear, but do you listen? How much of what you do is already planned outcomes? Why is so much abstract thought placed on a faceted life? Obviously it is done because it has worked. But now, I am actually mindful of how much I get in my own way with presumptions. To make myself right, I am also making myself unhappy and that is the interesting thing about juliemangoman. Somehow, my thinking whenever he waltzed into my life, got me to observe myself differently. I also think that my dad's death has also impacted my thinking too. I am not as skittish about thinking out things and scrapping them afterwards and pushing boundaries right away. I used to procrastinate a bit on that way of considering options. Now, mom and I are talking all of the time and splashing out with all sorts of considerations that can only be called, legacy building and I love the freedom it brings with it. But as I stated, I shall continue this later today.

paused

The situation I experienced with my friend really showed me how you create your reality. She has not called me since, and I have not called her either. I found her behavior abusive to me, so I am giving myself space from her. In the past, I would not wait for her to apologize if I needed to speak with her. I would just call her up and bring up the issue and work it out. This time I feel no desire to do that. No desire to 'fix' the situation, and that is because I really believe that if she sees me as just another one of her friends that she bad talks with me, then I could do without it. I have always been patient with her and a straight shooter. The fact that she could call me and pressure me one day after receiving my Fathers' ashes. one week after his funeral...and expect me to just feel bad because she wants me to do so, is bananas. Just as she can choose to manipulate me, I choose to act as I am now. I am still annoyed at the whole thing because I cannot believe that she could be as insensitive as she has been to me! Thus, I conclude that she doesn't really care about me at all after all of this time. On another note, I do research every day, and yesterday I came across a great article online from a local businessman. He wrote about setting up his own business and he gave tips and costs and addresses to check and it was fantastic. He has done more for me than all of the sites I have gone on and worked with in the past. I have assisted my friend in so many ways with her business, and I have constantly said to her that i would like to bounce my business ideas off of her in the same way to figure out how to go forward with my own business, but she never really spent any meaningful time there. Now, I will just do it as I expected, by myself. Right away, I went over the online learning site that I have been flirting with for the last five or so years, and things started clicking. I am thrilled. More about this next time.

D O

The situation I just wrote about contrasted with something else happening to me yesterday. I have not written about my conversations with juliemangoman, and I have been wanting to, but have not done so until now. He has been contacting me and it has been pleasant. However, recently, he called and promised to call back and didn't. That got me miffed. I got into a lather about his word. I had to take some mental notes about what I was feeling.He was online and didn't contact me. (You see how that makes me sound? Needy! Yuck!) I have always been pursued. I have never initiated a call. I do not understand what it is like to feel out of step with someone I like romantically. The person starts calling me and we start going out and that's it. But here, we start talking and then, he breaks the connection. I usually check in with my instinct then. Should I be concerned? My instinct would tell me not to worry, but my logic never listens to that. My history now with him is one where the attraction overpowers. The pattern is what I just mentioned. When I did not hear from him last year, he went to China. I know, it sounds like a yarn. But I have been to China as well, so we talked about our impressions of the country. Another thing too is that as we cannot meet anytime soon, communicating online is great. We have to slow down. We will get to know more about each other as we need too. It is all filled with possibilities and that is a very good thing. So when I re-acted, I knew that it was about ME. (Something that my friend needs to do with her outburst with me...but I digress) What was this about? I realised that I want some consistency where communicating is concerned. I want something more from him. I really want to see where 'we' can go. Yesterday, at my worst I felt that I should just throw up my hands and cut him off. But then, a little voice in my head said to me, you're used to things a certain way. You want things but you are not declaring it even to yourself. Instead you are standing at a bridge between wanting to fight and wanting to flee. Make up your damn mind! That was helpful. Part of my liking him is the lack of rules and expectations that I have. But it is also what is challenging to me too. I don't know, so I have to make things up, and I have to ask for things and to even initiate things. But, the comparison with what I just wrote about my friend...the message I got from her behavior was this-: She made up a whole story in her mind about me and she played all of the key parts making me the villain. In making herself right, I had to be wrong. We do this all the time. it isn't that something isn't happening. it just is that what is happening is not necessarily about you, you choose to include yourself or involve yourself in an experience. She concluded that somehow I closed ranks and kept her out of my 'special' day. Even writing that, I have difficulty with how she inserted herself into that presumption. I was doing the same with him. What was I doing? I was concluding things about him as though we are in a relationship and I want to shift around furniture and tell him how to dress or something. Lol. We are getting to know each other again, and I am just nervous, wanting it to work out and sending out all of the feels (that slang word is so funny) As he told me himself, I am not listening to all of those rules you want to put onto this. I want to do.

WTF

When my father died at home, it caused a ripple effect for us. There are different people to call and arrangements to be made in this covid-19 world. The day of his funeral. only four people were allowed. We were told that we could live stream it, and in that understanding I neglected to mention it to my friend whom I have discussed here before. I did not do it deliberately. There was so much to do, that I thought of her and then in the haste to remember to have all of the little things to take with us, it slipped me. A few days went by and we were communicating online, but I found her a bit cold. On the third day, i called her and she got back into her old routine with me and the conversation was mainly about her situation. Yesterday she contacted me and made the comment that she had something important to discuss with me. The very tone sounded foreboding. We played a bit of phone tag on Facebook. Finally we spoke, and she started with a whole preamble. We have been friends for many years etc, and she was hurt when I did not tell her about the live streaming. She said that she is so proud of herself for being able to tell me how she felt because usually she would leave something like that alone and say nothing and suffer silently. (Really?!?) I was so stunned by the admission that I decided that I would explain what had happened. However, she seemed hell bent on what she was feeling. I asked her outright, what benefit would I get from lying to her about not being able to tell her about the funeral? I have always been a straight shooter with her, and I said that. I even went further by stating that she knows very well my personality, and that feeling she has of not being told and some sort of ulterior motive is so insane to me. But what this was about when we hung up was her wanting my absolute attention no matter my circumstances. I felt abused by her, so much so that I seriously contemplate whether we should remain friends. How could she do that? What the hell! The irony of all of this is that that day I was having our first full day just coming to terms with all that had happened. I had gone to the funeral home to collect Dad's ashes. The term for it is 'cremains" I think that that is a horrible name. But, anyway, it has been tumultuous. Yet, she believed that she could step to me with her selfishness, proud to do it! WTF.

not ready

I am not ready to write yet.

My father died

On Sunday my father died. One moment he seemed so very alive and then all of a sudden he had breathed his last. Words cannot describe how I feel. I have soldiered for the family. I don't know where my Trojan strength has come from for this? But I am amazed at myself. Also, amidst all of the hurt someone has come forward to be there for me in ways I never expected and I am so grateful. I shall use another post to go into it. You know that people die. My Auntie died in December. That was a terrible shock to all of us, but this, my god! I gave him mouth to mouth and CPR, and I could not save him. My dear father is dead. He was with us and then he was gone. He just slipped out of our hands. Yet, I am also so honored to have been with him to the end. I love you dad, so ,so very much. I miss you. It doesn't seem real that you are gone. You gave us so very much, including your time, your love and support despite how hard you worked and how much you provided for all of us. Thank you for being my dad. Thank you for being our dad and our grandad to our children...and step in dad for our friends who lost their dad's. I hope that if I have even a tenth of what you gave us to share with the next generation s I may witness, that I can come up to your effortless and amazing standards. Love you forever.

somber morning

Sometimes I can be too much for myself. It is like a subtle mist around me, not like the cloud that Charlie Brown's Pigpen carries, so I know that I shall be fine... and I know that I have all right to feel this way, I just didn't really want to acknowledge it. Watching my father go through two years of not being at his best, fighting off illness, my mom give one million percent to him....my dear auntie taking care of their other sister who died in December and it is so easy to just stretch out all of the things that feel dismaying at nearly midnight tonight. So I have decided to allow myself to feel it. Not to shush it off. I am sad. I am tired. I am dismayed! I also know that this too shall pass. I am not looking up into the sky for a bargain. I am not casting blame or feeling that my life is a mess. I know way too much about what is going on in the world to elevate myself to such a height. Lol. It is sleep that I really need. An opportunity to start on a new page in a few hours really, that will do it.

Mangoes are not the only beautiful fruit

So Juliemangoman as the awful saying goes, hit me up awhile back. I wanted to know his story, so despite at first being a bit reticent about his contacting me out of the blue, I let my curiosity have its way. Things started up alright. But then, he has now moved true to form. All of a sudden radio silence. The difference this time is that I am different, and I am different in a way that I almost cannot find words to describe, but I shall do my best. When he got in touch with me, my second reaction was a sort of...hmmm, I knew he would do it. Then, when he was super enthusiastic to suddenly text and even video call, after we were not able to really start talking because I was called away, I had a little moment that I assessed in myself. I was amused by his antics, but I also had a twinge of wonder about how much was I still enarmoured by him if I ever really was! Let me explain...his excitement to me brought up his seedier side that I could never really place. He was marking out time for me. Yet, he was 'marking' it ' with a huge felt tip Sharpie. He had no angle, no plan, just his instinct and desire to have whatever it is he wanted in that moment. He suddenly was not as appealing in my eyes. I felt that I still liked him, still found the attraction there. But it was as though I was capturing him with a long lense. It wasn't that he was ugly and I was rejecting him. Far from it. It was just that I was saying to myself...hold on, is this really what I want from this man? But even more to the point, is he all that I wanted to consider him to be? That weighed on me. Was I being fickle? Although, it was his actions that reeked of it? I asked myself and kept it to the side, as one does with aa meal where you shift what you don't enjoy eating. I would manouvre it around with my cutting knife for later. I was not cutting him off absolutely. My curiosity was still in play, but I had my boxing gloves on. As all of this was unfolding, the most unexpected thing began to slowly develop within me. It was a whisper at first and tonight it is roaring within me, and that is how good I am feeling about myself. I feel confident, beautiful, strong! I just do. I think what has happened here is akin to something also major that occurred in my life perhaps as much as two decades ago. I remember when I came into my own in my line of work, when I stopped feeling that guidance ruled my life. Placing my perspective where it should be, is how I choose to see this experience, this time around. I know that I have 'something' important within me that radiates outwardly to whomever I attract. I don't acknowledge it fully. I'd usually believe that it is my intelligence that is being seen...and I feel self conscious and downplay the attraction to my body. That to me is so damn superficial that I try to ignore it, although I work hard to maintain it.It is part of me after all, and I appreciate it. Lol. It is objectification I am wary of. I can firmly state today that as sexually attractive as I find him, as comfortable as he has made me feel, as fascinated with him as I have ever been with anyone....I am also way more interested in how I feel about me. He may bring all sorts of shiny, pretty toys to the party, but I am the prize. Lol.

Value

Now that the entire world has had to shut down, the question of what is value looms large. We didn't think that we could stop using fossil fuels. We didn't think that we could stop consuming? We didn't think that employers would agree that they had no choice but to consider their businesses without our services. True values that have come to the fore have been the respect for each other and our loved ones. Respect for our Doctors and Nurses, yes. But also for our delivery workers and garbage collectors and a host of other positions that we take for granted and are at the bottom of the pay scale. My hope is that post covid-19, we continue to keep going in the direction the pandemic forced onto all of us. ............... I have a new angle on my friend's predicament. She is the parent after all. She does not have to be swayed by the attempts to manipulate her, no matter that they hold the purse strings, and even if they loosen their grip, my friend is her own person. Far be it to let their charity define who she is. It is easy for me to write this as it is not happening to me. But if what my friend says is indeed so...that she is always provided for, then I am certain that she can surmount the issues at hand.

perspectives and perceptions

After the challenging conversation with my friend that had me questioning whether I even wanted to be friends again....I went right back down the rabbit hole two days later when she was more amenable. This time, I got information that I never knew..but before I even get to that, I want to state that it can be difficult to be there for a friend when they neglect to tell you all of a story, but encourage you to give your opinion during their conversation. Today I had her go back into her own childhood, and we discovered together some family traits and habits that have come right up to her own children's behavior. What was tricky, was that it took nearly two hours of talking to see the patterns. But even more so, my friend finally stated that she always gets what she wants and that she is no longer concerned with what she had spent even more hours going on and on about days ago. I have to conclude that her passive/aggressive streak is in full effect. Writing about her fascinates me because there is so much to observe in her actions and I want to understand it for my own reasons, which include what I too may do in my own life as well. If you know that you always get what you want, then why carry on when you think that things are not going your way? All that you really have to do os wait and watch and know that you will have what you want anyway! So now I believe that she may say it with her mouth, but getting her way is problematic, because whether she gets it now or later...she is impatient in the process. The other striking fact was the question of value. Her ex husband never really supported her girls. However, he can now offer two houses and land to them, so one of the girls in particular is very keen on keeping up a good relationship with him. My friend says that she has nothing to leave them in a will. So my question to her was, then what do you have to leverage? What do you have to offer? We concluded that they are resentful about assisting her with her rent, but will not tell her outright...and the amount is such a small sum when one considers how they both spend their money. But they don't believe in standing orders and prefer to pay it monthly from where they are via one of the international money transfer kiosks. Why such an arrangement, I ask this all of the time and cannot fathom it! But that is the way it is....so instead of the two hundred dollars coming out of their accounts naturally every month, they quibble with each other from time to time about who will pay it and when. These are women with two businesses between them. Somewhere along the line, paying her rent got onerous, and they also pay for her trip to see them and the rent when she visits for two to three months every year sans Covid-19,2020. Their relationship is made awkward because they want to know whether she gets any other moneys apart from them...when they already know that she does. However, it isn't enough to also pay that rent and neither of them have wanted to have her leave everything behind and live with them either. Observing all of this is something else...the whole parent, children thing is one I have seen over and over again. Who will take care of the person who took care of you? But it is the value thing that caught my attention. If she had properties or assets, we both think that her treatment would be better. But as her situation is what it is, I am hoping that she can truly transcend her children and launch out on her own without needing their money as the situation will continue to be an issue.

picking that julie mango

So, I mentioned a little while ago that we have been talking. It is early days yet. Nothing has changed where the excitement and basic love of banter is concerned. I started to address the Elephant in the room..where the expletive have you been for a whole year! When my mother called on me to assist her regarding my father. So, I had to stop. But this is what the time with no word has taught me, and I mentioned some of it before...I have worked every time we have parted, on what happened and what it and he meant to me. My biggest challenge was my instinct adamant that he is a nice person and something personal was going on in his life and that it wasn't about me. Also, I had to confront that the way the experiences happened and ended left me feeling that I wanted answers. Rejection, as I felt it, is a strong pull sometimes...as that last bizaar encounter with my former student attested. I think about his oddness too, but to no great extent, as I was the one who saw how much it could not work from the onset. But somehow, juliemangoman stayed with me, and I couldn't shake it, even though I worked really, really hard to do it. So I had to ask myself, and I did, many times...what do you want? I never wanted to admit that I was still attracted, still hopeful. Then, I was really angry with myself, using what I concluded as the glue to force myself to quit the attraction...to see him as negatively as I could.Or at least to tell myself that I surely deserved better! That worked to some extent. Eventually, in the moments when I was not looking and found him in my thoughts making himself comfortable, I decided to ignore him. Finally, I gave up. He was like chocolate to an overweight person! SHIT! Now what? Confront whatever the fuck I think I feel! Stop denying it. Ok....so I liked him...I may even love him. What do I love about him? I don't even really know him! I would chime in ....that helped a bit. This went on and on. He ghosted you...you don't know him. That should put an end to the damn thing, but it didn't. Why? He is the first man in forever...or even, ever, whom I felt a cocktail (cock...lol) of feelings for in the way that I felt them. He changed the way that I view myself, my expectations and my romantic life. He is a big deal...and I am so damned attracted to him physically! The sexual attraction has not wained! Alright, now what and so what!? I needed to know what happened? I needed to know if it was one sided? I needed some sort of explanation because of how I felt with him. Now, I have the opportunity to ask whatever I want to ask and I know that it will satisfy me to be able to at least do that. I think that we can have at lest a great friendship from what we started all of those years ago. Seeing him today and us laughing with each other was lovely. I really like him. I am at a place in my life now where I understand that not every relationship may work out. Some people have short stays. Looking at him today, I don't want to make any real pronouncements, but I do want to state that the opportunity to make something better is definately on the cards for me.