alone not lonely

We spoke about the uncertainty but necessity to work. The joy of the process. Family and their struggle to understand our need for space and quiet. We spoke about my father's death and her mothers struggle with dementia. She told me about the challenges of having a long distance relationship with the German guy she was seeing. What I liked as we talked was the fact that as she was saying things, she was working, and her strength in herself was and is so much bigger than anything else. I loved that. So many times I find myself admiring certain people, and what I am usually looking at is the visual of the moment. On closer examination I see that what I am looking at is what can only be seen as peace.

went for the visit

Visiting my friend was good for both of us. While I was writing that confessional the other day, I was conscious of my tone and my meaning. I have an ego on me.Lol. Naturally whatever I rcognise in my friend, I do because it is within me. She has her space set up for living and creating. It reminded me of the studio in Scotland. Being in her space was such an intimate thing. You can measure all of the effort. The main object being worked on in the centre of the room. A table devoted to a variety of flat pieces that were all stacked up. An area for her blender and grocries. A bag on the floor of her clothing. Two rolled up mats for her bedding, two fans, her phone plugged into the wall, always on in case of emergency. Her computer open on another table and a few chairs for herself and visitors as well as a few pairs of shoes for whn she steps out onto the compound that is relatively large and filled with manicured grass and huge trees. What it takes to do what we do felt so poignant, practically poetic. I cannot describe it really. All I can state is the awe of it all. It really is special to watch someone in action. The effort put forward is mindblowing. it is like watching a tigtrope walker from the ground. You do not realise that you are holding your breath until they get to the other side. When you work alone like that, of course all of your emotions come into play. You represent yourself, and so, you will want to take the temperature of others working in the same vein. Of course you want to represent yourself and your accomplishments. You have no barometre to take your own temperature. You only have the luxury of living and looking back to see your path. It is an odd juxtapositioning. You are absolutely free and within that freedom you are also anonymous.

The radar

A friend of mine has been contacting me lately, and it has been for two reasons. It is a weird thing, but I cannot help but be aware of the fact that getting a little buzz with what I am doing is something that they suddenly want to rub shoulders with. Yes, we chat and we are reasonably good as tentative friends. She is skittish, I am skittish. We have been through things. She also wants to pick my brain. I question what I am doing where that is concerned. I write about this with difficulty because I feel like I am exposing a secret. But really I am hitting closest to home because I have been in this position before. Thus, who knows what kind of friend I am now? I cannot be a true friend when people choose me. When that happens, I have my back up. If I choose my friends, then, that is another situation entirely. It suggests positions of power and that word also does not sit well with me. However, the relationship we have is what it is, and I am writing now because the talk we had today was so transparent. But I cannot blame her. When one is a loner, the only way for others to know about what your doing is to say so to someone relevent to listen. What's always good about what she does is it encourages me to also take my own temperature about my own intentions. We live in a little bubble and we are always looking at the ooze of colours.

To that one person

I remember when I began this blog so many years ago. I was about to divorce. My life felt as though I were a giant tree about to be felled by every problem imaginable. Over the years I have continued to feel like that tree, but ever so slowly I have remembered that I am trsiliant and that whatever I make of myself in the world is my business to experience. Thank you one person. Ever so often when I write I notice that someone in this big old huge world takes a moment to check in and to in your own way let me know that I am seen and I am heard. Thank you. PS: OMG, you may be a bot! Lol. Thanks all the same.

One of my friends has been trying to contact me for a few days. Every time I see her messages and try to contact her, I don't get her either. So we have been playing messenger tag. But yesterday at the grocery I caught a glimpse of her and we spoke very briefly. I was thinking about her process as the Artist that she is. Very much like me, she has to keep tanaciously focused on who she is and what she represents in her work. She is very shy and skittish about opening up, although we have known each other for years. I understand her trepidation and unlike my other 'friend' whose relationship ended so spectacularly, I do not see her as someone who implodes and pretends...or whatever that whole thing was. But I digress. This entry had nothing to do with anyone in particular, but as I wanted to focus on the next steps I have to make, that person came up because we always talk shop in some way, and she finally got me on the phone, inviting me to a studio visit with her. That conversation came just as I was thinking about 2022 and the things I have set up to get done. So I found her intervention interesting. It literally said to me, this energy is in some way symbiotic. Lol. To me, she has her whole plan and image down pat. For me, I still find my work very broad and also very specific at times. I am now embracing that everything counts and I am also taking on the criticism that my Gallerist gave me about not working enough. Although I do, I just do not share non art based or projects not related to his business with him. What happened for me yesterday felt like a breakthrough because the stream of consciousness that I felt was one where I began to look at my career more succinctly. I think this has also come about because I have been invited to do another talk about my work in early December. Bottom line, you get what you focus on indeed.

oh, and also...

With so many parts of the world burning or flooding and so many people fleeing their countries, I ask myself why can't the planners, architects, billionaires and politicians decide to build permanent structures for the displaced. It seems as though so many people are never going to be able to go home again. Places may just as well be built that are safe and productive for people. Children are growing up in a perminant state of fear, anxiety and poverty. They will not know the first thing about securing their livelihoods? I cannot imagine how a child growing up in a refugee camp can become a productive adult? Surely governments and religious organizations and huge companies can assist in maing such spaces suitable for real life? They can become testing spaces for survival of mankind at our best. Everyone deserves clean water, electricity and good food. Children need to feel safe and they need schooling and play and laughter and hope. This is my thought for today and many, many days.

On my wonderful walk this morning I contemplated some things that went counter to the environment that encouraged the thought. I turned backward and had a moment to observe the valley from a height. In a house nearby, on the patio,the humming birds flitting around hanging containers of watered honey took my breath away. There were so many of them. So, the thought of my behavior a few years ago and most recently with my daughter when I told her a joke about something she was very sensitive about let me to the thought about anger. It came up and it led the way as I walked back down the steep hill of one of the neighboring developments. Anger. Of course very quickly my ex-husband also came to mind and I listened to what and why it caught my attention. Anger can make you less than clear in your judgement. Anger can make someone who in other circumstances may be rational, suddenly irrational. Ok. Yes, and...and I concluded that I am very concerned for what all of mankind is doing right now where that emotion is concerned. Yep, I went from one little germ of a hypothesis to a complete thesis in about a second. There is a court case that I was not taking on really, but the verdict was read yesterday, and I still need more information on it. But that was part of the train....The Rittenhouse verdict. We get angry, we react. We want justice. We become relentless over that deep hurt. It becomes scarring. As I decended the hill, I wondered about a way to demonstrate to others how much anger, rage, hurt, hurts the world? I thought about how we all gang up on persons who commit terrible crimes and we as they say here at home, 'wash our mouths' on the pain of others? It is a controversial thought because as my family and I have experienced being wronged by strangers breaking into our house, I should have no sympathy or empathy at all. Yet I do. I have had to consider where those two young men came from, at the same moment that I feared even considering if they would let us live. It is a damn tough thing to question. Should we turn the other cheek? My thought was more along the lines of rage and hate being something that needs to be discussed with greater understanding. I am writing that coming off like a clarion bell of group verbal abuse does not make any criminal 'better.' Recently I was looking at a series called YOU on Netflix. I was stunned by the premise of it. Particularly one episode where before the title came up, a disclaimer for suicide and a helpful hotline was stated. This series is all about two mass murderers! WHAT! A disclaimer for suicides? What about one for murderers???? Also, why the hell am I watching this series ? How can it be 'entertainment? Is there something wrong with me for being curious with that topic? Anyway, the point I am making here is that I have found in 2021 that for so many issues so many of us come out spouting platitudes like we are all so saintly and that person deserves punishment. I can't help but do a quick calculation down the centuries of how much our behaviour changes nothing. The contradictions that make us human sometimes makes me feel physically ill. I shudder at who we say we are. I don't have the answers, and I know that I shall write more on this as I continue to run it across my mind. But, jeez! I find that there is no honor in criticiing victims and perpetrators...and look at that, that word includes (traitor)waw! Perpetual traitor. No redemption possible in that title. Is there an answer? What solution can we come to? I don't know? I don't know? I only sense that more and more of more of the same does not work.

Open

There is always something about the end of the year. Suddenly you feel freer, you feel optimistic, you feel lighter. This year taught me a lot, as every year does. But somehow I feel that I got a few more than usual. A great big one was suddenly placing a spotlight on one of my ongoing beliefs.I was going on and on in my other diary and realised that the very thing that I was saying I wanted, I suddenly realised that I had it, it was just all about perspective. I found that as well with other things going on with my life. The best part is that I applied it often and it is a go to now. I am also using this axium to project, and I am excited about that as well.I really feel that I get the whole stepping out of my way thing. Just taking a moment to not focus on set thoughts is so liberating. You just give yourself a moment as though you were talking to yourself as a friend. That sounds so obvious, but it is so easy to not always treat yourself as you should. So much of life makes you get up as if standing at the beginning of a race, except your not sure if its a sprint or a marathon.You need time every day, even in covid-19 to quiet yourself, check in and make sure that your not walking through life pessimistically. You have to do that checking in. You just do.

so obvious

This morning when I went for my walk I as always had a few thimgs on my mind. I won't go down the list because that will take this entry south. One thing did occure to me and it has to do with the poster I posted here a few days ago that talks about...you miss someone-call. As I was headed back home I considered what I have written a couple times this year about where I want to be professionally, and I think that I wrote here that I am only now realizing that I am already living inside my plans. Well now I want to add to that by stating that I have acknowledged that I am doing what I want to be doing, and I have to consciously be aware of it every day and nurture it, respect it, build it, grow it, love it and most of all be damn grateful to have to tenacity to care for it, guard it and laud it.

TRUST

When I was approached last year to do some new work for a show, I found myself unsettled by what I had to do. The last time I felt so divided was for a solo I did a few years ago. So this time, I wrestled between what I know to be my reasons for making the things that I do and making something completely out of my comfort zone. \I wanted to write about this today because I can not get over how much I fought myself to work in the vein of what I did with this show. The reactions came in a rush, and now I am on a momentum. There is a long list of things that I have begun to complete and want to see done. This moment is a stepping stone to where I want to be going and I am excited and grateful and satisfied and desirous of getting further along my path.

Since the death of my father and my aunt and a slew of friends of my family over the last eighteen months, I have of course had to confront my own mortality. What I have discovered is that in projecting my thoughts forward to how old I shall be in three, five, ten, fifteen years from now, anxiety sets in. Everything speeds up and I hope that what I can control will be controlled. I get instantly maudling knowing that my loved ones will not be with me forever. But also, I appreciate what I have right now and I have decided that I shall do my best to say thank you and to be grateful for every moment. Amidst all of this, yesterday for an example, I went to my daughters' home to drop something for her. I no longer put the package outside her door because he made such a stink about it, and threatened to throw everything away the last time in front of her, so I have gone to deliver things aboutfour times this yearwhen I know he is not there. But yesterday he caught her when she took up the package. The whole thing yesterday was writ large in my mind as to how absurd he has made things for all of us. I contacted my sister and she told me that my only recourse is weekly police visits to complain about his not bringing her to my home. The difference for me yesterday was that I found myself at an emotional and mental crossroads. I felt like, it doesn't matter if this is a prisonlike experience to me. I have to look above, beyond and through the situation at hand. No one is coming to save me.(lol)I have seen the situation from my perspective and his.To me, I have had my mind on this for over a decade.All I think I have achieved is stress and no support, no positive solution at the end of the day. Now I am done with it all. The pattern that wants to be played is another huge injection of money into lawyers and court dates and I have refused to go there. Our child meanwhile is seeing all of this playing out in her life and she is so over it. The simple answer of just acting like an adult and communicating is something that he is just not capable of, and I am through with wishing and hoping about it.My choice is now to have my daughter speak up for herself. My decision is also to continue to parent her through the uncertainties.Yet,sometimes I feel defeated by the experience. I come to terms with where I am. Thank god I can see beyond this moment and to the next. It is hard. Hard to deal with such a waste of time and resources, and for what? This is the way it seems. So I also have to keep my focus on good things. I keep my mind on moving forward and confidently and positively as I can.

Some helpful thoughts

The other day when I wrote about my insecurities I have to now state that it cleared the way for feeling way better today. I have been doing the usual assessment of my year. What have I wanted to do, what did I actually do? Where do I want to be? What am I really accomplishing and on and on. Today I am looking at all of that more soberly. I have been able to feel like this as well because in the last two days I have been looking for an old address book and I have gone through lots of old papers and diaries and seen just how much I do on a daily basis, and all that I have been trying to accomplish over the years. I certainly have not been sitting still. In fact I have to say that under my circumstances I have managed to do quite a lot. I have been really concerned about feeling dissatisfaction as I have. I was worried that that may become my dominant state of mind. But then I remembered that I am in a pandemic like everyone else. I am going to have moments of disassociation, moments of sadness for all of the loss my family and I have experienced. I need a moment to breath, a moment to remember and recoup from all the emotions that flood in and overwhelm.' Today I remember what I want to accomplish. I feel like smiling and creating work and sitting around shooting the breeze and dreaming and I feel good.

When I was out today I met someone I taught ten years ago. It was nice to see her. The conversation was a bit stilted. Sometimes when I meet people they ask me about what I am doing and reply in ways that I feel awkward. It is as if I am standing still and they are successful. When this happened today I checked myself right away. I asked myself what was it that I felt I am not doing. This was very easy, because right away I saw how much my challenges that I feel have come to the fore. it has nothing to do with anyone asking questions. It has everything to do with how secure I feel about my plans, hopes and dreams. That is all that is. So I gave her a shoulder bump and I then thought about my expectations. There are things that I still want to do. I believe that although covid-19 has been bareable, I feel the way that I do because I want to see successes, I want to move around in certain ways, including travel again. So of course there is a sense of stagnation. But what today did do for me is sort of cradle me in my own arms. I came to my aid and listened to myself and talked about what I was feeling and felt so much better for it. Oddly enough today I saw how much my ex husband and I were alike. I sat down and really had to take a long hard look at my personality.If I am not careful I could brood. if I am not careful I can fixate on the worst case scenarios for me. This year I started a few things that I thought would help me financially and they did not work out. I find that I pile on. I spread my reach and hope that something would work out. That lotto behavior is extremely challenging as lots of energy goes toward all of the ventures. Nothing is guaranteed,yet, lack of something panning out is very frustrating! How you manage disappointment is key. What do I have inside me to lead me along the path to succeed? What do I need to do? It is a cycle. Still, you learn and soldier on.

Emotional IQ

After an absolute age I met up with some old friends this Saturday. Of course we were all masked, but we recognized each other easily and I concluded that that comes from always looking each other in the eyes. A sign of real friendships. One of the things I heard and stuck with me from so many great things,was her planning to give a gift to a foreign friend and that gift was a local work that we were talking about. A simple thing, easily taken for granted. But just the planning, based on what you do and what you expect was key to me in that moment. It was one of a slew of nudges at my listening post...those moments that guide your thoughts. At times I feel so dis-associated with what I do. I don't think of myself the way that I do of others.I see everyone elses life as planned out and working well. I am not always as certain. Thus the question to myself about being divided. If I am going to be up and down, I have to use a different tactic for myself. I started with taking a good look at that belief, seeing how much it doesn't represent me. It is slow going. I fall back many times. It is present in all aspects of my life. I want to know now what I am planning and thinking as though I am new to myself. I am so optimistic one moment, so enthusiastic and sure. Then the next it is as though I am sliding down a slide with twists and turns. I have decided to embrace that and to see it for what it is. It lasts as much as joy does. My tendency towards always 'feeling' and thinking....and then my doing and being....are all about give and take. I have my moments. As I write, I am very grateful for this contemplation. I do not know whether I have successfully captured what I mean to write. I must continue to put one foot before the other. Feel the things I feel and still put one foot in front of the other.

What up with the treadmill?

Imagine that covid-19 is making people actually insist that they want to get back to lives that made them deeply unhappy? I cannot wrap my head around that? Particularly that as far as I can see, I believe that people have the opportunity to re-negotiate what kind of work they want to be doing on a much better platform than probably at any time in my memory. Some small pockets of people are doing it. but the majority are not. Many people are more about defying the vaccine than considering the future of work. ......................................................................................................................... I can write all of that but really, what am I seeing for my own future of work? .........................................................................................................................what do I want to be doing now? Where do I want to be going? To be master of my own ship I have always diversified. Unfortunately I cannot say that I have been made financially wealthy for the efforts. A couple of successes will go a long way. That never changes....complete control over ones creativity with expected gains from projects that produce continuous profit. That's the goal....Work Hard/Play Hard...thus more travel and positive experiences while creating comfort where I live and work. Produce things I would like to experience and give others lasting wonderful experiences in the process. Build up a reputatin for exceptional work and give back in ways that bring satisfaction to people for their lives and the lives of generations to come. In all of that it would be great to win an award or two where it counts and to use that to garner more employment for others. This includes projects that transcend my own lifetime. I can go on, but that is a pretty satisfying start in my book. Oh, of course, also as guilty as it sounds, who wouldn;t also want to be on the ground floor to the next Bitcoin too, and ultimately doing all of it without exploiting others to achieve it.

Squid Games and Money Heist

Two shows that produced an unusual thought in me. Both of these popular tv series speak of is the heady dream of winning or stealing an unspeakable amount of money.For both,the decision hinges on life and death. the moral cunundrums of life and death. Both shows had their characters mention that they would love to get away from "it' all and move to the Caribbean and live on a beach. I don't know where people get that fantasy from? Lol. Living in everyone's fantasy is a bizaar experience. Even we in the Caribbean dream of living on the beach. I remember in 2001 I went to Grand Riviere in Toco and there was a lady who did live on the said beach. She had dreadlocks down to her ankles and dressed in African garb and leather slippers and was tending to one of her many children while selling peppersauce from bottles that once held ketchup. She looked beautiful with her nose ring and little faux gold jewellery nestled into some of her locks. her half nail polished fingers wisened by age and hard work jooking washing on stones in the river. I don't know who feels that that life can somehow pay for the life that you really tell yourself you have to have, the life that includes a washer and dryer. I remember as well visiting Shitiping in Taiwan, a quaint little fishing village where again the people made you feel seduced by a simpler life. But across the road from them there was the inevitable development of high rised spectacular billion dollar 'beachfront' properties. Both the very rich and very poor had something in common, similar taste and good attitude. They were all very nice, kind, helpful. They let you into their home and told their story of hard work to own what they had. There is no perfect place where you go to forget about life. You are always inside life. I know of people who have inherited wealth, quite a few actually! There is nothing about their windfall that tells me that they are not as anxiety filled as anyone else. I think that you can always find your head above the water that literally represents your money, and your always bobbing and swimming and trying not to drown if you have miles of it or just a cup full of it. So it isn't about that. It is more about what is happiness really? It is fleeting. It is moment to moment and many times it cannot be bought. You can purchase many things that give you that buzz of the new, of the rare, of the ONLY for you status. Your on that beach in your hammock and you have beaten life at its game. Ok, but what next? I wonder how many of us can survive paradise?

October. Where did the time go?I had my moments. Jeez! I cannot deny that I have found some comfort in not worrying about what I am wearing or/and all the other activities that go with leaving home every day. Missing my dad absolutely every day in different degrees of sadness. Doing my usual obsessive research and creation of yet another site or project and way to create a job for myself. I have gone back to Linkedin,started a Fiverr account (didn't continue) a Patreon account (then decided it also wasn't for me. I looked into an NFT Art Site that went belly up. Took money out of my only mutual fund to put on a sliver of Bitcoin and Etherium and then somehow couldn't get the money to clear and then when it did I had to spend it on something more pressing. Talk about the ironies of life. I had wanted to buy Bitcoin in its early days and hesitated only because of the dark web implications and my sister who lives in New York dragged her feet and didn't see what I was talking about. O well. But the year has also been filled with discoveries for me and new beginnings in my field in terms of where I want to go. I am still excited and optimistic and scared and exilerated at the same time. So, there is that. Lol.

a think, a think, a think

Recently someone we just met assisted us at home with a computer that my mother has wanted to get stated again for the longest time. She had at least three people visit, who said that the machine was beyond help. The fact that this new person could do the diagnostic and make the machine work produced two responses. First of all, it brings into question the level or lack of professionalism by people who are recommended to you. The second,how many times has this happened before? What have we given up on that we should have pursued? However, this entry is actually about the fact that the technician was going away after he dealt with the computer. He is immigrating to New York. He happened to ask me when I plan to make the big move. He was the second person in less than a week to ask me this. Right now, despite all that is still happening with covid-19, I have been up and about and more and more people are getting back to normal. In that element of 'normal' there is the strange feeling of one foot in and one foot out. Some businesses are open and seem to be optimistic. But there are clear signs that others are closed forever. The most amazing thing is the new businesses that are opening up. It is like watching the changes of season. Naturally the next thing is where I stand within all of this. Most recently the other person who is trying to nudge me to leave, also discussed a large project idea with me. I went on the discuss the idea with the other person he discussed the idea with. In so doing, it felt as though I was on a threshold of something. When I feel that way, it is always exciting. I think that I am super lucky in the fact that I can spend so much time in contemplation about possible futures. I had given less and less thought to doing the whole leaving and going abroad thing. Even though I had discussed it with my sister and paid her to file. Covid happened and it was off the table in my mind. I like that the pandemic shows us all that we can work all over the world. I have so many options and I must make a way to secure myself in some way professionally. I know that I am getting there. I feel impatient, but I am confident.

more on the 90 days

People on the show talk about loving the person so much, they are the love of their life and they've only known each other a short time. They are being swept away by their fantasy and the emotions that insue from that. There was one couple, a lady called Darcy who is a twin, and she wore her emotions on her sleeve, her chest, her face! Jeez!!!! She is physically beautiful, but she rushes every chance she has with first, Jessy and then Tom. Watching her makes me anxious.She reminds me of something that happened to me many years ago with one of my neighbours. She offered to give me a lift in her car as she saw me walking on our street. As I got into the car she started the conversation reasonably well, and then she started to talk about her job and her daughter and husband, her challenges with juggling things and before we were even out of our street I realised that I was dealing with someone who was overtly stressed and high strung. She onloaded so much on me that I felt as though I had backed up onto a garbage truck. it was terrible! The show lets me see how so many of us are just emotionally messy. We want other people to heal us. They seem to expect that they need to find another person to feel good about themselves? I do not understand that at all? Other people cannot do that for you. You have to have some sense of self preservation and self respect and care. I know that I got so warm and comfortable when juliemangoman said the things he said to me. I really, really felt a connection. It was when he left and I did not hear from him that I crashed down to earth. I remember how shocked I was that it happened so fast. It was the first of three wake up calls. I hadn't been looking, so I was a bit fortunate that I did not put any opinion or fantasy onto him. But the thing was, he began to make me think, suppose and what if? I got really disappointed that I opened myself to him. I felt embarressed and stupid to think that I could put myself into such a vulnerable place. I help myself by comparing it to what happens with business ventures. Some things are not meant to work out, others do. From what I see for this show...you have to make sure that everything you think someone else can give you is something that you really should give to yourself.

90 day what?

Of late I have been looking at 90 day fiancee and it is telling some stories about human nature that I can learn from. You get to see how much people want to create fantasies.I really question how much people actually work on themselves as they launch themselves into experiences that they know are hopeless or at the very least, challenging. As a divorced person myself I know that I will be walking into any romantic situation with armour around me at first and the scary part is the shielding is there because of how soft I am inside, wanting to experience the best that love can offer. But a conversation with a friend recently answered how to conquer that. He said to me, why is it that so many people want so much from each other but no one is being honest? He then talked about walking into a relationship with one person high and the other person low...meaning, the other person has blinders up and the other person has rose colored glasses. He suggested that we all enter these emotional relationships with the expectations of becoming friends no matter how insane the hormones behave. I liked that way of thinking. I think I was hoping to achieve that when juliemangoman came along and swept me off of my feet.But I am also aware of how much that intense emotin swept me up. I was lucky to see and feel it, although I felt no control over it taking over my feelings. I felt so very vulnerable! I did not realise how much he had impacted me until he ghosted me the first time. Then he contacted me again and seemed so sincere. Then he ghosted again and I went on to think that we might have some sort of relationship two more times. I knew when I met him that I was wary about romantic relationships. I had just experienced The Towers and Frequent Flyer and I was absolutely jaded. When I encountered him, my first reaction was to completely dismiss him. But he taught me that I still have feelings. I still am both able and capable of a relationship and I am even willing to work on one with the right person for me. So I thank the stars that I got the opportunity to see that my heart is healing.

speak and speak and talk and talk

Sometimes the conversations you have that you are so convinced you are having from a place of knowledge can be a house of cards. Thoughts and ideas are put into your head in subtle and not too subtle ways and before you know it you are repeating statements with conviction that once released you can not take back. This is something that has been happening over the last two weeks with people I know. I have been the observer. Covid-19 has impacted every person in the world no doubt. So many friends and aquaintances are experiencing things that are making them so much more fragile. The fake news and the instability of curfews are the least of the problem. I want to be a listening ear, but it can also get to feel like too much. Empathy is key and listening is essential. I just listen. Giving advice can encourage arguments because really people just want to be heard. It is one hell of a time.

Independence Day

My daughter plucked up the courage and wrote her father a note about not wanting to live with him anymore. He completely ignored her, but she has started on her road to personal independence and I am proud of her. Interestingly, Independence Day is tomorrow, so the symbolism is not lost on me. She was so afraid. Yet, with me in her corner she did what she had to do.

write your book

What a productive week all around for me.First of all, I started the project that I have been working on for the very longest time. Other projects are connecting and even or especially the issue with my daughter and her father is such that I am clear. We are not here to be perfect. We are here to choose to take our journeys in the way that we do. We all have our hopes and dreams and we have where we are and what we have done to get there. However there comes a time to act and act and ACT. I have the memo and the calendar.

the wolf cryer

Sometimes I just marvel at my own emotional growth. My ex husband is at it again with sending me a lawyers letter. He hated seeing and hearing our daughter laugh with me on the phone and pulled the plug out at a certain time on us twice. Then this week she was sensitive about something she thought I had said and she was upset with me. He decided to take that as an indicater and thus the email. But tonight I can read his play and transcend it by thinking of the best and the good things that I want to do, and not about his intimidation tactics. He has played his cards over and over again, and I have not wanted to play. But now I am done. I have to go decapitate this thing once and for all.

wolf cryer

Sometimes I just marvel at my own emotional growth. My ex husband is at it again with sending me a lawyers letter. He hated seeing and hearing our daughter laugh with me on the phone and pulled the plug out at a certain time on us twice. Then this week she was sensitive about something she thought I had said and she was upset with me. He decided to take that as an indicater and thus the email. But tonight I can read his play and transcend it by thinking of the best and the good things that I want to do, and not about his intimidation tactics.

My sister is back home and she is taking things day by day as she should. However, when she was leaving the airport in the Domincan Republic she was shaken down for a bribe. She was so shocked that she handed over US$20 to the woman who did it.Imagine targetting someone who is travelling home clearly from health surgery and being faced with a situation like that! It says something about the country. People may not be paid well at all and have to get kickbacks to survive. The levelof corruption must be something else. my sister took a huge step. She did something that she wanted to do for herself. My sister has always lived her life in huge flaming capital letters. Life is so interesting. Everything you do has to do with intention. You make the best decision on everything you do, dependent on the information you have before you. But what are all the things we claim to want really about?

wh,wh,waw

In the last month or two my teenage daughter's behavior is telling me that we have turned a page. We were chatting a few nights ago and suddenly she got upet at me and hung up. We have not spoken since. This is absolutely new for us. She did this in the context of arguing back and forth between her father and I indirectly through her over the phone. I understood what happened as it occured and I prepared myself for the fallout when it did come. But this time, it is about something I said and she chose to respond as she has. Of course I am considering her feelings and having to wait because she is not picking up the phone when I call. Apart from this being carried out in front of her father, the fact that she is reacting this way when I have done everything I can to teach and train her to talk about things...is disappointing. But here it is. So stay tuned.

A l i v e

You read about it and it is so simple....you want something-you work for it. You put your head down and you just focus until you can see that finish line. In one of my professions, you GET ahead by ostentatiously getting seen. You need one little break followed by another one, and hearsay and then just keeping on the tracks. You can get a job. But then to move up, you need to negotiate, proove your value.The other job has no advancement unless people leave. Then, being a freelancer is a free fall situation. Every job is a hustle, and juggling three does not lead to the big bucks that you see when you write it all down on paper. What am I doing wrong? There are millions of people thinking the same way and doing the same things. Yet, we all want to be special, and we buy into whole symbolisms of success and this isn't changing anytime soon. Covid-19 Hiroshima's the world and we have to start over again with the same playbook. So many people are running all over the place trying to get back on top, while others are holding steady waiting for the shit to clear and hoping that they have something left to start over with and then there are people who will not be able to have what they had ever again. In this free for all, I wonder who is standing, what are we doing? Yet, you kinda know. You see it whenever there is a recession and then it ends. Everyone forgets where we were.

I may have written awhile back about wanting to be complemented once in awhile. Well, two days ago, the thought just popped into my head about that conversation had with an old friend and also here. I am in such a different place about that, that it is worth a chuckle. Of course someone appreciating you and letting you know, will always be an emotional massage. However, I can now say that any feel good should always start with you. Having to get it from outside yourself is swell, but if you keep doing that, then when you don't get it, you think you need to look for it from outside and then your always looking for it somehow. You don't have to look in the mirror and tell yourself things. That may be a start, but really you have to massage your own heart. You have to be gentle with yourself. But not just gentle, your not playing games or patronizing yourself. You are really considering the little person inside the grown up you. That is the person deserving of the complements and they have to come from you. Build from within.

new choices

My sister had been telling us about the process of her surgery every step of the way. Today she sounded stronger. We have gone on her adventure with her. We have done what we do, we support her and we are there for her. This week I have been speaking from an awareness of the whole playing field. I had an unexpected conversation thrown onto me about the months before my divorce. I was literally being told what I went through as though I didn't know my own story. However I was amazed at myself. I have grown considerably since that time. I didn't care whether they agreed with my version of my story or not. Usually I attempt to be measured and sober about things because when I am overly emotional as I had been back then, and can be on occassion, I am not helped by it. Speaking openly about the past did something even more miraculous,I saw the patterns, the misdirections, intentions and mis-steps. Blaming was pointless. I also saw how much something like that, though casting a long shadow of emotion over ones life, it does not mean that one has to live ones life thinking that it carries into the future. My sister's surgery is like that. You can go on and on with the expected doubts, anxieties and then...life happening. You decide or you don't decide and you can see the playing field.

because

In a few hours my sister shall be having some serious surgery. Right now I am up doing some work and looking at a local film that I never got to see.She is doing something that she has wanted to do for some time, and although I feel a bit nervous about her decision, but we are all supporting her and will be on the phone with her until she has the proceedure and of course, after that. My sister's actions tell me about my decisions that seem big to me also. She is anxious, and she is making the steps. That is the way to go. One foot in front of the other. My little sister is an inspiration.

It's me, not you

Little things can cause so much illumination to changing big things. While I was talking to that same friend I have been writing about, I brought up to break in friendship with another person, and I walked right into the part I played in the demise of that relationship. I got that person into habit of relying on me to the point where the dependence irritated me beyond measure. I did speak up and tell her at the time and after that time about the impact her actions had on me. But today I see that I also gave her permission to believe that I was always available. I took for granted the type of friendship I shared with my best friend who passed away in 2010. We had a great symbiotic relationship. We did not tire of the other. We gave each other space, we talked often and met often and then had our own lives. I cannot really explain how it worked so very well, except to say that we nurtured what we had. I bring this up today because I believe that I have made the decision to leave well enough alone with some people this year, but of course I think about it. In so doing, I look at my part and what I do on my side. I don't know if I need to change my behaviour? I just have to be more in tuned with myself when I share my life with another person. I have set good boundaries by not continuing toxic behaviour from her. There is no question that I made the right decision. But I did give her bad habits as well.

also...this...

It may be watching the Tokyo 2020 games that causes this train of thought... AMBITION...some people have more or less a clear understanding of what they need to do to get from point A to B to Y. Life is happening along this trajectory and somehow, little by little, the results begin to show.For my profession, I find that my beliefs stemb towards making new pathways. So things like a promotion, or getting a P'hD or courting favors do not appear on my list of moves to get ahead. What are my moves to get ahead? Pretty much what I have been doing for decades, making work, getting work and doing my best to be a good saver. It isn't that I am not ambitious. I have been dealth a card or two that has led me to shrink my expectations and slow my plans. I would say that under the circumstances I am amazed at my attitude to still find myself excited about the works to come and keep me moving forward. I talk about eh Olympics but I think it may be a series that I have been looking at called Mysteries of the Abandoned. It is a fascinating series about structures that have been left to decay and discusses what they were used for and why. Of course a great deal of the architectural structures are from wars won and lost. It is shocking when you get the costs of so many of them. The figures are always in the billions or hundreds of millions of dollars in todays money. Many of them are left because a war has ended, or the technology changed so completely that the reason for the structure is no longer viable and is subsequently too costly to re-purpose or destroy. Seeing what looks like such waste, so much effort, so many people losing their lives to build tunnels into rock. Or to build steel bridges to nowhere, it oddly puts my own desires into perspective. We are all here for a short time. One day you are young and many days after you are very old. We all go in the same direction. I think that what is equally as important as having plans for your own accomplishments is also having accomplishments for your plans that have nothing to do with money. Those moments that are impossible to quantify are so important. I love when I am with my daughter for example and in the middle of a moment I know that I have captured the sublime and I just ride through it. Almost like a scent of lavender, or roses in the air. Or a butterfly floating by.

the pillow

The stalling my own efforts that I felt a few days ago is something that I am paying close attention to. I know that I plan and I focus and I get all that I need to get in gear. Yet, something, sometimes other responsibilities, other plans take my mind and abilities away from the attention needed for that goal. What this means is that I have to tighten my discipline even more. Most of all, make my timelines stricter when I see that other things are throwing me off of my goal. This matters to me so much because I find that every year the things that I would really love to see completed, I always put aside in favor of more pressing projects. Of course that makes sense. But now, I find that I want to make the time for them. I have done so in the last two years and covid-19 has helped. But, I got much further and then stopped again! Other things take prescidense. As I have already stated, I am going to really check myself about this! I want to accomplish much more and I have to break through to the other side.

more on discomfort II

My friend whom I mentioned in the last post contacted me the next day to ask for my help with an issue she was having.Her approach with things is always about results. Yet, this time, it was difficult to explain to her that she has some black and white beliefs that are practically impenetrable. I thin that the only way to have her believe something she does not know is to impress her with knowledge from people she respects.Only then does she not challenge you. It is so interesting to see the differences sometimes between creative thinking and theoretical thinking. I too love to solve puzzles and to amass facts. However, I have also seen many a time the way such ridged thinking does not always pay off. Again, I am finding 2021 fascinating for literally shaking off some old beliefs once and for all. An example I will use is one based on race conscious language that still holds today. So many people just parrot certain beliefs.If you challenge the perception, it is so thin in reality. You can just show by example the way that violence and fear is not about the color of any skin. Poverty is known by every race.Peel back the layers and you find those core issues.When you make that clear, a different conversation can begin.

...more on discomfort...

This year I am finding how much I strive for certain things and do not realise how close I sometimes am, or that I am already in the middle of those accomplishments. Sometimes you are busy thinking that you would be so much better off if and when a certain amount of money presents itself. Then sometimes you realise how much you are contradicting yourself with the very things that you think will make you happy. Also, trying to project ahead to next year and so on, particularly when covid-19 really shifted things so drastically, what now? Just for a moment it is essential to literally step away from yourself if you can. You just shut down all the noise and you allow yourself to put all of your usual constant thoughts on hold. You just ask yourself for this one moment to stop thinking in the supposedly ordered way that you are used to. It is worth listening to what comes through to you then. It is a bit like a video game or Sci-Fi movie. empty space at first and then a bunch of projectiles that are all vying for your attention and a return to what you always do. But you have to be a great Tennis player. Eventually you can latch on to a new or a different thought on your old way of thinking and you can follow that and then that leads you to somewhere new and even possibly a solution to some things that you can never fix with the same thinking. I will even go further...I ask myself, what script am I reading? What have I set up for my particular beliefs on what I deserve or expect and what IS?

Unreasonable Doubt

I am having an introspective moment of moments. A dear friend and I spoke tonight and she was very helpfully making me see how little I have to do to just get ahead with one or two things that I am doing. I have a habit of coming up with what is always some grand idea that I then pursue in my mind for hours, days, weeks and sometimes months and years. I go over and over in my mind all the variables. Sometimes I take action and I write down and sketch and scribble. Other times I go even further, creating prototypes and even testing things with tangible concepts literally in hand, and then .....they go nowhere. So, she is being helpful, and I am hearing myself sounding like I am flailing around trying to sound confident while my mind is reeling about what I did not accomplish. However, I did also listen. I listened to her, I listened to my insecurity and I listened to the silence too. Anything that feels untested and uncharted makes me always feel better to keep on the written page and not fully explored beyond a certain point. She was talking to me in a way that I talk to so many people who want my advice. I appreciated it.There is a block between me and what I want although I do do so many things that do not stall me at all. Some things I just do...yet, some things, I just don't finish. In all of this, I decided that I had to look at my flawed logic, or comfortabe positioning? It is all enough for me to pause for a moment and ask myself the pivotal question of what is my stall? She is telling me "just do it". I have told myself the same thing many a time. So what is it? I got an answer with our conversation. She was able to ask a question that pinpointed why I did not take one of my grand ideas as far as I could, after so much work. It turned out to be a small but very valid reason. Breaking down personal misconceptions is key here. I think it was all very helpful and I shall obviously write more on this as I see how it has assisted me going forward.

some thoughts on decisions

The issue that happened last week with my daughter has led me to consider something that I am about to discuss. You make decisions in life every moment of the day. Some are so unconsequential to you that they are quickly forgotten once you act. Others are life changing. I realised last week that the continued issues that I have with my ex-husband is a product of our decisions, all small, medium and large ones made over the shawl of time. Naturally I still react to the responses of the past. What I gather now is the reaction NOW to my future. Our daughter is getting older, and neither she nor I shall be tetherred to her father in any way. The only relationship is one of discomfort that passes as quickly as it begins. I do not have to live in misery. What I want to do from now on is write about my plans for myself and for her from now on.

some navel gazing

...is it possible that those strong hunches you get are the moments where your life can converge and fracture into a multiverse of possibilities?... ...we invented the present from the past...so we have already lived our future. Isn't it strange the way Hollywood keeps portraying that future and how we are fitting right into it right now?... ...no matter how much we believe it, we have no different feelings from those who have been alive a thousand years ago... ...knowing yourself is a constant thing... ...you never know anyone really.... ...you live to aquire only to leave all of it to others... ...you spend time but make money... ...our emotions define us all the time... ...listening to your inner voice was once thought of as insanity and maybe it is still true... ...why is a woman's body still policed by men?... ...we are told to love our neighbour...yet we are so focused on their sexuality? Why.... ...we believe that everyone else is doing better than us, yet we don't want to help those doing worse... ...we help those doing worse, but not enough for them to do better than us... ...we trade with people who keep us poor and buy things that make us sick... ...the world is being destroyed but we are still making more than we will ever need... ...more choices.less joy... ...more free time,less sense of freedom... ...we love with conditions.... ...we teach virtues and practice dishonesty... ...money isn't everything until you don't have any... ...life is black and white until you walk into the grays... ...even the spiritual are petty.... ...thinking for yourself IS NOT common... ...true love is not a gender or an agenda... ...friendship is not about entertainment... ...moderation is greatly misunderstood... ...you should be kept from what you want every so often... ...observe more and speak only from certainty if you speak at all... ...you are not obligated to like your family members... ...people can say no and so can you... ...what you think now can change now... ...gifted does not mean weakthy...

Drama

My ex husband was able to trigger me a few days ago when he got our daughter to call me about renewing her passport. His lawyer had already written and alerted me to his plan, and I decided that I would reply by asking for a return to the amount of time I get with her and her schooling. We went to court a few years ago and the judge had agreed that his case that she was closer to his home than to mine for school, gave him the greater access to her. We renewed her passport together in the past, so this time, to have his lawyer write me was absolutely over the top and unnecessary. Anyway, I wrote what I did and then she replied in the nastiest way. She was an absolute bully! So our dauhter called me to let me know about the letter sent to me and he was in the background saying that I was being difficult, and that led me to say that his lawyer was a bully. In the middle of all of this, I suddenly realised that I had unwittingly put her between us. I was mortified! It was as though I was watching the entire situation in slow motion. I could do nothing about it. The words had come out and the noise on her side of the phone was just noise. It didn't matter that I was (to me) explaining a situation. All that she was hearing was her father and I making her uncomfortable and being loud and obnoxious and she was in the middle feeling torn in half. I feel so badly about that. Naturally she got very upset with me and I had to give her some space. She took three days before we spoke again. It was terrible. You never want to look at yourself as an asshole or the person causing problems. I was really in a pickle about the whole thing. When she called me she let me know that she was still upset with me, and she let me know it. She also insisted that we not discuss it again. She was really placing her bounderies down, and I had to respect that. Amidst everything, our daughter has so much to teach me. I had to literally check my ego and also my tendency to want to fix things. I have had to do the tale between my legs situation and know that I will get the opportunity if I am lucky, to slowly but surely learn from what happened and to do better.

One other grateful thing

My sister asked me about juliemangoman last week, and after not an inkling of him, he showed up in my dm's as the saying goes. When that happened. I remembered what I did that day at the Dentists office when I could have turned left and walked to The Tower's million dollar apartment or go home. I chose to ignore his presence. I chose myself. It has been weird to be single right now. Post divorce I have not put myself out there in the world of the single lady. I know that at my age I am going to meet divorced men. men with children or men with elderly parents they support or whatever, no one is eighteen anymore. I take a look at what I have encountered and I see where I am responsible for the way that I put myself out into the world as well. I think that in some ways I felt that I should try again. I wanted to move on with the knowledge that someone new coming into my life would be good for me. I have been very fortunate that I never have set it as a priority,yet, having had one or two interests has given me an opinion about it. I may not have really been ready to be with someone. I would say that juliemangoman did surprise me, and I was giving thought to tacking back to my ex whern he showed up in my life. I lamented all of the experiences post divorce as well. I felt that my time was absolutely wasted and I was very, very loathe to give anything a try ever again! The very notion of someone wanting to have a fling and bressing themselves up as serious when they only plan to let you down was too much to take. So when I saw juliemangoman in my dm. it was very easy for me to say to myself. hey, you disappeared in mid sentance with me months ago. I cannot say anything about your actions except that you enjoy ghosting me. I can't ay who you are with anyone else. I just know how I have been treated and I deserve better than what you have sent my way. So, no. I am not going to do what I did the last two times, which was, write you a hello and then you take a few days or weeks to reply and then you start replying and calling me and video messaging me and then I look forward to your quirky replies and BAM, nothing. I took it as a personal rejection. Like all victims I blamed myself. Not any more. THe whole thing helps me to see what I do not want! I really fell for him in many ways. I will not lie. What was good was amazing, and I was definitely confused that someone who could make me feel so good could also make me feel so bad. In the end, I chose me, and I am feeling good.

so much more

Every time I have come to my blog over the last few weeks I have found that I stare at the blank page and think about what I want to write, and then, I write nothing. However, I go away with so much to focus on. I am feeling very confident and happy of late. I have peared down my list of daily concerns and chosen instead to focus on the things that I can accomplish. That small act has been a comfort. In this still very active covid-19 period that is still very much with us, I have found delight in the small things. For example...my birthday was last week and my mother made me an Amaretto flavoured cheesecake. That has been a little slice of high calorie heaven. I acompished one or two niggling tasks that I have been putting off for whatever reason, and that has been a great feeling to check off of my list. The sound of the birds around the house are always an inspiration to the beautiful place that I am lucky to call home. Writing right now is another little joy. I am finding more and more that the good things that I focus on pay off in great dividends and I am grateful for that. Particularly as yesterday my ex-husband was at it again with his Lawyer, sending me a threatening letter about a simple thing like a renewal of a passport for our daughter. When those sorts of things crop up, it is very disruptive because he makes something simple into a terrible scene. But yesterday I had an out of body experience because when I did speak with my daughter I came to a realisation about exchanges with him. I saw that even though I open my own mouth and believe that I am being reasonable in the way that I express what I am encountering with him, my poor child is only experiencing it as noise. So despite my best intention, I am also part of the problem. I have the opportunity to be the bigger person, yes, and the opportunity to be the biggest person by playing the long game. and it is a game, no doubt. I have done it in the past, but now it was cemented for me. It is best summed up in a Buddhist saying that I read decades ago, which goes roughly....make yourself like water between the rocks... as I write that, I feel the sense of it. Yesterday produced so much pollution. In my desire to make things better, I also became the problem. I am so aware of it now, and I so want to fix it. But I have to give my child a little space to come back to me and trust my behavior. I felt a bit dispondent as well because of course I got into a little spiral of feeling sorry for my choices. What have I created with this whole messy issue that keeps coming up! But after I put that out there, my mind caught it and I was able to see past the block and know that it does not mean that I am stuck with that position as the only way to see. There is so much more to be happy about. I am not IN a relationship with him anymore. I am not in a situation where I stayed and put her through that scene on a daily basis as her experience with her parents. She and I communicate honestly and consistently, and despite yesterday, we will get the opportunity to talk with each other and I will listen to her needs and do better as her mum. I used to fall apart. I used to feel so grieved and disparing. I USED To. I don't feel that way any more, and that is the miracle of the situation.

Going back has helped

I may have mentioned awhile back that I was looking through a few old diaries of mine. Well, a few weeks on I can state that going back has rejuvinated going forward. I went back in time and eavesdropped on my much younger self.I remembered what those times meant to me... I recalled the way the horizon was before me, completely uncharted. In so doing, I know that the horizon is still very much there. I recalled my curiosity about my plans, goals and dreams.Again, they are still very much part of who I am. I am, I have, I became and continue to be becoming. What a relief that is to me. My past is not something I lament. Time has indeed smoothed over so many things that appeared only one way or that I have forgotten. Putting one foot in front of the other understanding what 'present' means in all its ways...today I feel a gentleness within me and I am grateful.

Future conversations with myself

Sometimes I have conversations with myself that feel as though I am having them with someone else. Such moments make me laugh and also take me way out of my comfort zone when I catch myself doing it. However, I will now state that those moments are opportunities to catch myself off guard where I am not "on" for the world, but on for myself. This week I had an unusual moment along those lines and I am going to try to see whther I can explain it. It was as though I went into an alternative universe for a moment. I felt a sort of out of body experience yet I was very aware that I was still where I was. Then it was as though someone was speaking to me and through me. I was wondering what was going on and I was also still enough to be patient and listen. I should have written this before, because I do not recall what it was that I heard. I will just state that I may have more of these experiences and the next time I shall write it down as soon as I can.

Two things this week

One....reading an old diary from three decades ago and then...TWO...with the cleaning up,coming across endless bank statements and old journals and realizing that no matter how excited you get about the things you buy,either because you have a desire for them or that they are practical purchases, everything ages. Everything becomes a space in the negative spaces around your home. The many, many shoes I have, they are all just lined up. My clothing are hanging in the closet like I left the house and live elsewhere. The old toys are in a way the strangest of all. I found what may have been some novelty one, a blue bird whose wings flap and carries a little rider on its back who appears after you crank the wings long enough. Can one imagine that it was once an idea on a drawing board and then there was a decision to make perhaps a gazillion of them! Then they were marketed and distributed all over the world! It now sits in a pile of things to throw into a landfill. I feel so bad about it too. One moment something brought pleasure or entertainment, fullfilment or necessity and then, it is looked at with hesitation...bin or sentiment leading to the bin in the end. Greedy Greg ate all the green grapes . A refrain that just came to mind. All of that also gave me a chance to see distance between me and the past as I looked at it with some fondness as well, and of course. Perhaps going forward there is a chance to think about practical things. Think more and more about what else I can do for my environment. In some of the journals I saw the many, many times I wrote down inspirational lists, things on business plans, tons of work documents that I am finally throwing out (an aaahhh feeling there) and with everything I wanted to say in a loud voice, just live. The lists are fine, but it is the actions that prove them to be true. Just live.

Spring cleaning

I have finally started to look into a long time chore that I have not wanted to deal with. I am happy to report that in the starting I have discovered that there is a method by which I can, with some more days and weeks ahead, see the end of that rainbow.I find that doing one good thing does indeed lead to another. It compels me to push forward with other things on my list and that is a very, very good thing.

Strange and interesting

I went over to my neighbour's house with my aunt today. We had some pawpaw's from our tree to give to her. We have not been out of the house since last week Saturday, so just the act of doing what we did felt very odd. The street was empty of cars, apart from one neighbour who parked outside of his house. The entire place felt so still, not a peep from anyone. I must admit that I enjoy the peace. It is a shame that to achieve it, a pandemic had to occur.

LOCKDOWN

Our Prime Minister came to the nation a few days ago and declared a state of emergency. The covid cases that have suddenly begun to climb this month are worrying enough to cause it to happen. Amidst all of this, further pause is caused. I do not think that I have ever contemplated death more. mine, my closest family, friends...appreciation for life...wondering what to make of the life before me. Some countries like England are celebrating getting out of quarantine and getting back to being in groups and going out and having fun and it is easy to look on at them and feel a bit of a twinge of envy. But I also think that what covid-19 spikes have done is to show us here that we still have been very fortunate. Our curfew is from nine at night to five in the morning, so the disruption is not really that oppressive. The SOE is being done to prevent congregation of people. My aunt and I were out two weeks ago at one of our large markets and we observed how much people were lingering around and crowding and we were concerned then. So we understand our situation now. I must also write that one of my favorite places, Taiwan, was doing so well and now they are also experiencing a serious spike. The whole world has to be vaccinated for this virus to dampen down. It shall take some time. I am thinking that by this time next year life shall be better. It shall not be the same of course. I think that the rules of covid-19 shall remain...wear a mask, sanitize and social distance shall be a choice to focus on every time we go out, as there are people who refuse to take the vaccine. For the end of the last century and this century, we have heard of Ebola, Chickenguniya and now Covid-19. These virus varients kill. We have no idea what may come next and I still marvel that a piece of cloth with two strings keep us alive. We have much to be grateful and thankful for and I am definetely thankful.

One step back

In this early stage of Covid vaccines we have hit a snag with our citizens. We have a spike and so our prime minister has decided to quarantine the entire island until the second to last week in May. The PM himself got the virus a few weeks ago, prooving once again that it can happen to anyone. We got a heads up from a friend who suspected that we were facing the very thing that was said at the press conference. We are still extremely luck here despite such a serious rollback. The government has done everything it can to keep people working on a staggered level. But Malls, restaurants and bars cannot open. This includes fast food restaurants. So I expect that as the prime minister has given to midnight for what he said to take effect, I can imagine how many people are going to automatically decide to run to the fast food places and order up to a ridiculous degree. This happened last year. I feel a bit of the fact that just as things have begun to feel a bit better, we now have this situation. But, again, our leader said that he could leave everything as is and then we can spend our time looking at an overwhelmed hosspitals and lots of funeral plots. Put that way it is clear that twenty-one days shall go by with a better understanding of what we need and must do as opposed to what has happened in India. I looked at the Covid-19 Bing.com map today, as I find that it is better to look at that than to take what I hear from the news media. I also have to say that I am grateful that I had a conversation with my second curator who pushed back my show to June. I believe that that is a good call. The present show that started on Monday is actually also a good call, as that gallery decided to make the show a virtual one. What is unfortunate is that you have so many people doing the right thing, and it only takes a few people who just take it lightly to push us all the way back. I really hope that this reversal will take.

Friends are calling to check in with us about the Covid-19 vaccine. They want to know how things are going in our country. We have been quite lucky. When I see what is going on in India my heart breaks for the people there who are struggling to find oxygen to save lives. Twenty-twenty may have felt brutal, but the slight familiarity of living in a pandemic has now, to me made brutality seem a bit common place. The stresses that we all undergo, yet move to the side in order to get things done cannot be understated. There is a pall over the world, and yet there is still so much beauty to enjoy. The trees are all blooming and the birds are singing and butterflies flit by and you are reminded that at least this pandemic is not like the ones history has mentioned in the past. Put into context we are extremely fortunate indeed. We do not have to be told that whole areas have been condemned. Our families are not being carted away like a mountain of disease and dispair. Governments have been so disappointing too, as they care more about the economy than people. People are also so tired of taking care that any chance to let down their guard is unfortunately easy to take and spikes turn up in some countries known for discipline. The world goes on and will go one and we just have to know that we will thrive. We shall get on the other side of all of this and remember it as something other generations shall learn from.

getting the vaccine

I went out today and as I was travelling and had time to contemplate the year, I first of all find that time is just racing by. I would also state that wearing your mask, sanitizing and social distancing when out has become second nature. When you get home, you change clothes, have a bath or wash up and if you hear a plane overhead, you watch it go by because it is no longer common to hear them. Traffic when you travel is not too bad, and between stores, there are now an occassional boarded up business. The apocalypse isn't a dark, dreary blue black...according to covid-19 it is a dull colourless sort of zombie-esk feeling when you look at the landscape. The beautiful trees that bloom at this time of year have provided a reprieve, but they are not as plentiful as years past. It is weird as well that there is a tiredness from doing way less than one normally would on a given day. But also, tired based on doing lots of things that you would not ordinarily do on a normal day...but way more online work. The staying in one spot and the only reprieve being eating and drinking...the monotony can be draining. Yet, life is going on. Plans are stillbeing made. There is still hope. It is just that the vaccine and the virus are not proving to be bringing anything back to normalcy. To read about all of the strains that are suddenly cropping up and that some vaccines are not absolutely guaranteed cause all of us some concern. My families friends are all calling and asking the same questions and making the same statements about whether or not they would take the vaccine. All say that they would prefer to see what can happen in the next three, six, nine and year ahead before they commit. Meanwhile our Prime Minister got the virus just a week after the vaccine was freighted to us. To then top it off, a neighboring island has just experienced a vocanic eruption...you cannot make these things up! Dramas abound. You have to balance your emotions, balance your life....hold on to your job or jobs....try to think about how to do better in the months ahead and just keep juggling. I think the best thing is that this is happening to everyone on the planet.No one is isolated here. We are all feeling all of these things, and I am grateful.

understanding

A few weeks ago there was an excellent documentary on the life of Ernest Hemingway. I believe that Ed Burns did the production. One of the things that caught me from the mouth of the Author was that you simply have to live your life. Live it. Experience it. That's it. Somehow that was just enough. Perfect. You know this and have heard it a million times. Coming from the great Nobel Laureate, I would state another famous saying...JUST DO IT.

The other side

I learned something so important tonight, and I feel a little sad about it. I completed the project with my cousin today, so I took the opportunity to speak with her about my sister. As I listened to my cousin it became clearer and clearer to me that it is so easy to only consider one side of a story. Listen too long and you think that it is the only story. Hearing her, her perspective sounded like my sisters, but standing from her vantage point, and I saw the struggles between them. The whole thing just sounded so out of proportion when my sister was getting louder and more aggitated. That was the first realisation that the conversation was not about her surface concerns. I am sad about all of this because of how many times I have focused on how I feel and not cared to consider the other person's perspective. I would state that I usually do do so, but there have been times when my way has been more important. There is no hard and fast rule. Of course you want to do as little harm as possible to another person, but you sometimes make mistakes, big and small. It is the wasted time that gets to me. My cousin was as balanced as she could be when giving me her views. Of course I think of my arguments with my ex-husband that got so far beyond the ability to resolve that shutting up and shutting down and eventually getting out was the only answer I could see. In the end, I just said to her that I would understand if she chose to do nothing about my sister at all. There is only so much anyone can do when they also feel that they have not been treated well. Two people with strong personalities stand on a playing field and they should be able to bring their best to the table. But sometimes one person gets wise to leaving the arena. It just is what it is.

Would you guess

About six years ago my cousin and I had a conversation where my sister's name came up and my cousin responded in a very flippant way. I called her on her statement and then I told my sister about it because it annoyed me and I felt that she needed to know. Decades before, we had agreed that we would always be true to each other about anything that upset us about the other. In our family, we were the children of the most successful couple. To us, everyone else seemed to be successful as well. No one was lacking for anything. However, the other siblings and spouses would talk about our parents for sport. We grew up aware of the challenge and the duplicity. It was particularly upsetting to my sister and I because all of the siblings would act one way behind our parents back and another to their face. Thus the decision to never be that way with each other as we grew to adulthood. My cousin recently reached out to me to do some freelance work for her and I accepted. Last night my mother decided to discuss my project with my sister. The next thing you know, my sister is calling me and shouting on the phone and all up in her feelings about our cousin. She even calls me disloyal to take up a job with her. Waw! I listened, I stayed calm, I apologised to my sister. I confronted the word disloyal and then promised to discuss the whole kettle of fish (lol) with our cousin after I complete the job. This morning, now that a few hours has passed between the conversation and my contacting our cousin again, I am here writing about it. Listening to my sister, I hear her emotions stirring up in the most irrational way. But I can only write that here. She is feeling genuinely hurt. The story she is telling is one of wanting whatever construct she has designed to go as she wants it to go. So this means, I factor in her narrative in a certain way and so does our cousin. My seeing it from the outside gives me a certain vantage point. When I am in situations, I too of course am holding to my beliefs completely teeth clenching, white knuckling the matter. Thus I am really trying to put myself in her position to understand where all of the emotions are coming from. Yet, in so doing, I also see what she is not saying. I dealt with this last year with my friend who has called me a bitch since my father has died. Who knew that everyone is so tightly wound up? Perhaps I am also equally sensitive? Today, the needs people have to have their emotions attended to has left me a bit staggered. I question what it all means? How much of it is delusion and how much a simple response to who we are as human beings?

A good tired

I have been burning my candle at both ends and in the middle. But the results are good. However, I am going to take some time to have a proper rest after I complete the bulk of the things that I am doing now. I exercise in the morning and today I waited for a lady I met yesterday who looked at my weights and mentioned that she needs a pair but has lost her job. I offered her a pair that I have. The mornings are moments when I can have some me time. But after not walking for almost a year, I am still trying to find a new routine for myself. What I was doing before has changed. I am fortunate that there are many choices for walking. I was out today, and despite covid-19, people are bustling about, all masked. My eyes settled on one or two vendors as the bus I took stopped to let off passengers. One young man was especially admirable as hehad a very neat cart with a huge canvas umbrella. From my vntage point I saw that he had a folding chair under his neat table. He was selling three types of cut up fruit, also preserved mango. If I were stopping off at that location I would have given him a sale. There was also a man selling DVD's. I thought that that was definitely a think of the past. They all looked like washed out photography from my perspective. What a windy day it was today. There is a combination of quiet and selective sounds in our covid world. The teenagers you see on the road in their uniforms no longer congregate in boisterous bunches. Taxi drivers line up to get your attention and pull off with three people and not the usual four. I notice that more and more vendors are selling a variety of fruit, and vegetables. The prices are also good. A store I used to buy tee-shirts and soft shorts from has been replaced by a licore store. That was unexpected. Some large banks have closed extra branches, and people wait outside main ones, socially distanced. The groceries are doing a brisk trade. We hear the sound of one plane from time to time, such a surprise to the system that it is marked in ones thoughts as having happened. Someone is building a house in the mountain nearby, and watching the red soil is a shock, as it is easy to believe that life as we know it has changed so much that such things are just not happening. Yet, today I saw new cars on the road. It is such irony to be living is such contrasts as the world says one thing, gevernment says another and life is as always, doing what it does.

Hello to that one person

This blog is private. But when I set it up I realized that someone would see it. So today, on this rainy afternoon I want to tell you hello. Do not reply. There is no need. To me you are a lovely ladybug who lands on my page and acknowledges that my leaves are green. Thank you for keeping me company with your presence. I hope that I provide some thoughtfulness, humor when necessary and a touch of curiosity. Yesterday I posted some of my workingprocess that was meant for my other blog. I am excited about it. Then the Curator's assistant called me and told me that the work has to be ready NOT for the time I thought, which was three weeks from today. It is due next week!!!! OMG!!! Lord!!! I am going to haul ass and take noght and day. But this is what brings me such joy, so so it is. Coffee,knitted socks, a pillow under my bum and lots of music to take the day and night and have everything add up.

Duality

I am working on two shows at the same time and this one is called DUALITY. I have chosen to do something large and audacious because it is a group show and I have the rare opportunity to create something that I want to see and definetly not something that people expect of me. I have decided to look at male fragility. Actually it is for a solo show that I want to do about that topic. This work is a large quilt that I then place very fine threads onto that form words and in some instances I may consider sentances.

So this is one of the words that I shall be placing onto the quilt. I want the viewer to be able to come up to the work and not see the words at first. Or to zoom in to one or two words and then the longer they stand in fromt of the work, the more they begin to see more.

This will be the biggest work that I have done to date and I plan to do more. In fact I am thinking that I would really like to attempt using paint and full on embroidery on quilts for the solo show. But for this one, the gallery space is very typical of the modern ones you see in New York, all glass and white walls. So as I have written before, the viewer will enter the space and the piece will be filling up a large area. A large soft rectangle...completely the opposite of the work for the other show. I really hope to be able to pull off something that looks discrete and behaves like a slow burn. You look at it and believe it to be abstract in nature and then you begin to see the words form in front of you. The plan is to just make words and choose the best of them. Then see whether I can stitch them into and onto the quilt, sometimes dangle them as well. The quilt has our name and address on the back of it, so I will have to paint on it anyway. Initially I was going to make it two sided, but it will be equally strong hung as I intend it to be as well. I have a few weeks to complete it. So I shall document it in the coming weeks ahead.

These are some images that I did in 2000 for covid-19. I sent it out to a call for works foe covid-19 but they got rejected. The letter written to this call out that asked you to pay US$15 was both hilarious and bruising to the ego. A reminder that there is always a criteria when it comes to Art and that you can never know what people want, you just have to do the work.

There is a drive that I have every day now to get certain things done. About ten to fifteen years ago, probably longer, I finally saw how a small movement could start the literal ball rolling. I decided to sell a product along the lines of Amway. This sort of thing is absolutely unappealing to me. But I chose to do it because I was not working at the time and decided instinctively that I would do it because acting would get me into circulation. Lo and behold, it helped me get on with it. Later, with my partner, we would infuse our work with one and two point type affirmations of what we expected for the work and our futures. I have not done that since he died ten years ago and now I am doing it again, but I am not writing it into the work but into my thinking. It has been hard. I miss my closest friend every day. But together we did so much, and those memorie cannot be taken from me.

Limping from one thing to another, doing a balancing act with sharp objects wearing a clown suit and shoes is how I was feeling. As always, concerns such as mine are hedged in a sameness that has taken hold of me post divorce. But I don't want to observe that right now. I want to focus on something that I find helps bring me to that place, mainly disappointment. When I am in that world. I am usually thinking that everything is a failure. It may begin from without, but before long I am including my very person into the whole pot. What then becomes a stark contrast for me is thoughts of why can't I have at least one area in my life that is working well? I actually agonize about that. I seem to feel that somehow everyone else has their shit together and I am ...the clown balancing on a rope for laughs. This is all about childhood and coping with whatever made me sad back then. it reaks of the bullying faced at school and the sense of being different. Seeing that now, I can bring the necessary strength to put my arms around myself and know that it does not reflect who I am in the least. It is not getting something I need to feel that things are in order...ala....the bill I had to default on...even the word...de...fault....MY FAULT! I am saying that money will make everything better. I equate happiness and success with it. Money will bring comfort, security and love....lack of it is somehow the absence of all of the above? not absolutely...yet, it becomes that so easily. A bright light is also cast on those words...something must be going right....somewhere I must find pleasure amidst all of this artificial. superficial pain? Is it surface pain? Or is it that it is brought to the fore from within? Indeed. So there is the other layer.There it is....a sense of unworthiness because I haven't managed to achieve some sort of standard that everyone else has. I don't have all of the symbols in place that stamps me as successful, I think to myself. What are these things? Ability to make everyone happy with me because i can provide and satisfy. I can think of all of my concerns that cause me so much challenge and know that they shall be handled in good time because I have the resources to do so. I can use money to stabalize what is happening around me. It can be my shield while I wait for the other things that I want to have happen, actually happen. It would certainly make things easier. This war with myself is a HELL of a thing.

it comes in two's and three's

So here I go with my analysis...the death of my dad has placed us in a stark position of sorts. Things that my mother used to do without any consideration before, she now has to take stock. I am aware of the fact that I do a great deal of aesoteric stuff that sometimes cannot pay for anything substantial after my own concerns, and I feel nothing but dread about it all. feeling that way is a waste of time. The answer to me is simply to apply myself to things that will bring in the financial supports. I am presently working on two such things. Yet, I defaulted on a payment for the month and another payment specific to me, I had to curtail. When things like this happens, and I am juggling things, I always feel like a failure. I know that I am not alone in mystruggles. But still....they are my issues and I even feel embarressed to write them here. I find that I should not have these issues a t all. On paper I read very, very well. I have found in the last few weeks, so much support for what I do. However, when one cannot pay a bill via platitiudes, I wonder what is all the adulation amounting to? There is a famous man in my country whom I have always seen as exceptional. he is self made. A force of nature. I used to ask mysekf the question of whether one had to have a gimmick in their career to succeed? Now I understand that if history books shall give me a little footnote, I have lived enough to be a character within its pages. So much has happened to make me colourful, so that concern I had is moot. His drama did indeed help propel his value into the stratusphere. I now ask myself. what do I need to be doing to follow along the same path? Guarantees are a thing that I have always looked towards. I need stability. Last night I felt off balanced by my emotions. I can write forever, and be comforted by it all. But again, until there is the opportunity to really set myself aright, I shall continue to be plagued with concerns like I had.

Depths of dispair

What a night I had. Tempted to write it all down, I decided to behave like a scientist and observe it instead. All day I had a sense of dread, thinking of my dad and the huge vacuum he has left. From there it just got infinately worse. I literally cherry picked my way through my personal shop of horrors. What was goo though is that I am so used to that deep forest that I could see every macabre detail as something to observe and not necessarily allow to engulf me. But it was not easy at all. I just let the things wash over me, conscious that I was wearing my Macintoch of comfort, saying to myself that this too shall pass. It was as I stated, sort of funny in a way. I just went down the line of discomofrts and sense of hopelessness. I confronted future deaths of those I love, whom I depend on and who depend on me. Then, when I was really far into it, my mother complained of a discomfort of her own and rocked me from one fear and dispair to a 'real' one. She turned out to be alright, but that was a huge wake-up call. Amidst it all, I considered giving up what I presently do.I have lots of things to occupy my mind and my hands. But, no immediate fnancial supports and that was what also brought on the sense of dread. You can have every intention in the world, but there are certain things that just do not get done wihout the money to do them. That concern lubricates every shadow and creepy crawly in that forest of pain and anxiety, and it came for me swiftly as I lurched down the garden path. As I always say, a nights sleep provided the necessary balm to bring me back to myself. But also, knowing me, I shall analyze the crap out of what I went through.

The syposium went well.It goes on for two more days. It was a good experience for me. I gathered some things that I would like to take into consideration when I do the next one. There were a few things that were said by other speakers that carried my thoughts to consider other things I would like to do. It went on all day and the time between speakers was handled well. I look forward to what is coming next, and I am now on to the next thing that I have a short deadline to complete and I am loving it.

more work

Tomorrow I shall be speaking at a virtual symposium, one of two that I may do for the year. On Thursday I shall be meeting with a client on the competion of his book and then on the weekend I need to step up with two shows that I have to complete work for,one in two weeks. All of this has me extremely happy. My daughter will be with me this weekend as well, so I don't plan on doing too much on the latter two things without spending time with her. She will certainly see to that.

I am so happy to report that I am up to my elbows in the work I enyoy. While working, so much has gone on this week. My mother and I saw a Lawyer about Dad's Will. I have never dealt with probating before and it presented to me the reality that preparations for the end of your life isn't morbid, but necessary. I think that people getting married should really have tha talk about that. When I was married, we did have a very shallow conversation, but we did have it. I have been projecting the things that I want to achieve, specifically as I did something for the non Carnival season that has been promoted by a literary online magazine. I also have a symposium in a few days that I have been invited to be part of. It is actually one of two. So this shows that I have hit the ground running with so much to focus on in the best way. I am also looking forward to the second phase of work with the Ceramic Artist. All of this is such a balm to me, I do not know how else to describe it. I need it the way we all need to breath. I have been adjusting to so many changes that have been coming at me, and every day I have moments of insecurity. It is so helpful to have something else to focus on and to place ones projected thoughts toward. My friendship with myself has been so enjoyable too. Listening to how I talk to myself has improved ever since my break with my friend. It was definately needed. I would state right now that I am coming to a place where I am asking myself what are my intentions to myself, my child and my family and beyond for the next few weeks, months, year and years ahead. What can I do now? I also am coming to terms with appreciatingmyself more at this very second. All of the bereavement we have gone through, the fragility of our lives has made me very aware of time being extremely precious. I am looking forward to looking forward.