Once more from Canada

There may be plenty to feel uncomfortable about. The sky insists you have a chance to escape playing a part in an old drama that keeps going 'round on the same old emotional treadmill. A constructive change has already begun.
~

I just thought that I would read what my sign said for today. If I didn't know better, I would say that this person were tailor making these snippets just for me.
I got a beautiful send off from Stephen and Ash, the owner of the college where I studied also sent me the kindest note. i was touched.
My time here has been much better than I could have foreseen.
I have learnt that everything is up to me. I can make 'it' if I try. I have felt more loved than alone. Missing my little one has been very hard and it has not been helped by the wrangling between my husband and myself. But, apart from that, I came here with an open mind, and I shall return with an open mind. I shall return. There is so much that i can do, that I do not feel discouraged. My education has been a big deal, and I plan to continue to learn. The beauty of the end of the year is that it always encourages a sense of looking foward.

A sense of looking forward is always an optimistic feeling.

I shall leave tonight with my heart quite full of all that I have experienced here, and I am greatful for everything that I have felt and done for 2007. I faced more challenges from 2006. But I now walk on knowing that challenges are just that, creative puzzles that enter your path. There is no wrong way, only ways. People in your life may see them as such, they shall come and go. You will face decisions and choices that give you pause. It is important to remember that life is about learning, having grace and a sense of the much bigger picture.
Ever since I started this blog, one of the things that stick out for me, is something I wrote about a month ago, about my husband and I standing at either ends of something we cannot see. That was very helpful somehow. it made me see that I was not hopeless or alone, or weak. Somehow the thought was comforting to know that what we stand in is beauty.

BEWARE:Poor girl status

This morning I thought about how everything has turned out, and I was wondering how I could make all of this work for me. What I mean specifically is that I was thinking that whatever I do must not be in reaction to his behavior. His decision to not pick me up at the airport is pretty devastating, and again, I find that it is always so easy for him to be unkind. That seems to come to him without effort.
My thoughts also ran to my own words over the years. Did I somehow cement these things into existance? Was I not kind, helpful and supportive? God, I hate all of this, I keep going over picked over territory again and again!
How can I get out of this? When will I feel good again? Also, is there a part of me that likes the drama, likes the attention and the ultimate poster party for 'Poor Girl' status?
My poor girl status VS his contolling dick-tator. (laugh)
What a pair we are indeed. Is that the game that we have played?

I can say that I am only doing what I am because of his actions. But suppose he does come to the airport and does drop me to my parents (after seeing our child) Or I stay at his mothers' that night and then go to my parents the next day?
That would make the situation a bit easier to take. But in a way it just postpones the inevitable issues.
But suppose he surprised me and behaved decently?
Then I would be softened into believing that we could work something out.
Can we?
If not for us, at least for our little one?
What more could I want or expect?
Actually I want alot more, much more.
The fact that I am returning to my country and I have nowhere to live and no job is an amazing feeling. I am oddly, not worried about any of that at all.
I have some new options, so I am not scared. I will do well, in Canada and at home. I will do well no matter where I am.
I think that I need to bring that same sort of conviction to my emotional life.

What is true?

Why is it that the things you worry about come to pass as though they are the only things that are true?
Although I am writing here to get my feelings out, and to assess myself and my issues, tonight, a pang of sadness hit me. I suppose it is also because I am having difficulty finishing my final assignment for my certificate and my internship assignment is going very slowly. On the one hand I am very optimistic and the other, concerned. That may be making everything stay in a neutral place.
What is bothering me too is that I have really given up.
I tried, I really did. I tried! It just was not enough, and I grieve for that.
It really hurts when you can do nothing about all of the feelings still inside you that are rejected. I am numb from the treatment, and numb from the shock, still! All these months later, I still manage to feel as though this happened yesterday.

returning

As the days count down to my return, a number of thoughts bombard me. I am already faced with my husband's adamant refusal to pick me up at the airport. So I will have to get a taxi to my mother-in-law's home. I would like to stay the night, but it is likely that she will have no room for me. If that is the case, I will then have to take another taxi to my parents house. Not the way I would like to spend my first day back in Trinidad, but that seems to be the way it shall go.
My parents are going to find the whole thing very suspicious, and I shall have to be very selective in what I say.
My husband shall possibly call me at their home, because even in his nest of bile, even he would not be able to withstand the curiosity about me and my plans, and his mother would tell him that I came to the house to see our child, and he will want to know what I may have told her.
He would call me and fish around with me about what my plans are. In this instance, the only meeting that he can factor on, apart from seeing me by chance at his mother, is the possibility of meeting me for my appointment that is the reason that I am in the country to begin with. But he won't want to do that, instead he will call me on the 11th or 12th and try to quiz me about how it went. That is three or four days into my arrival back. I should make it a point to not be home. Why be available to him at all?
The trip already sounds stressful, but this unfortunately is the result of the sort of decisions that have been forced upon me by circumstances. After three days, my parents will become bolder and ask me what is going on? They will also want to know why and when they can see their grand-child.By then I will possibly have to say that we are having some problems, but reveal as little as possible. To reveal alot is to be brow beaten and harassed into depression.
In my process to secure my well being, it is instances like the one stated above that I shall have to by steely about.They shall pry, poke and cajole. But it would be best for me to let them know that I am dealing with the situation and I need understanding and respect.
By the end of the week, my husband will see that I have not backed down about staying longer. By then he would have also heard that I visit our daughter every day. He may endeavour to stick around so that he can see me. Not because he cares, but because his curiosity would get the better of him. My concern is that I not take our child out of her comfortable environment too soon, for too long, so I shall not do anything dramatic in that first week.
If he makes it his business to see me at his mothers' he shall again try to talk to me about my actions being irresponsible and selfish and state it as the reason why we cannot reconcile. All of these threats shall sound very hollow in person, as we are now face to face. If he reveals our situation then, then I will be inclined to speak to his mother about what has gone on.
I expect that she already knows, but she will try to seem magnanimous and unaware. That aside, she would know in due course.
At this time as well, he may wise up and want to actually talk with me about our child's well being. He may not want to do this at his mothers' home. No matter, where ever he wants to talk, my views are the same. Do you want to work on the issues we have or not.
If he says no, then we have nothing to discuss other than filing for divorce and by then, I should know when my check shall be available to me, so that I can then say, well, I am waiting to collect my money in hand.He shall tell me that that is fine, but that I should not return to Canada with our child. He shall wrangle with me until he leaves for London if he can get away with it.
Meanwhile, i shall have childcare issues that he shall attempt to strong arm, blaming me for all of our problems as much as he can, with the greatest forceful tone he can muster.
I certainly am in for it. But I must persevere.
Obviously I can write this script.
I have to keep my goals clear. He shall try to make me look as bad as possible. But I cannot let him get to me.
My parents shall be chorusing, we told you so's. My mother-in-law shall feel torn between her son and her grandchild. He shall also accuse me of ruining the well devised plans he has for Canada.
It is then that I will have to trot out that none of this would have been the case if he had made different plans a year ago when he decided that he was not happy. Here are the consequences of that casual decision - not said to upset, just said to make him see how what he decided affected our lives.
All of this sounds like a plot from a slow French movie. The bottom line is that one of us has the time to sit the others actions out, and that person is me.

A sprinkling of an inkling

The last few days have been revelatory as well as consistantly challenging. My friend and I had a mamoth chat on the phone where I finally brought into the open the whole divorce talk that my husband continues to bandy about. The conversation was very helpful to me because with the pieces of the puzzle in place, I was able to make some firm judgements for myself. It also helped show the complexity of the matter at hand. But that being the case, the decision is actually quite straightforward.
One of the things Stephen asked me, was whether my husband and I are always so competative with each other. I had to think about that. The answer is yes, we actually are, and what for? That is the question.
Our arguments are always about who can outwhit whom. I have realised that he may have started out with the intentions of taking the high ground and wanted to come across as though he had come to terms with his decision, but of late, all of his actions have been as emotional as mine.There have been the calls and more calls.
I would be lying if I didn't think that this gives me hope. But because of my own views, that thought is only a sprinkling of an inkling signifying nothing.
There are two things to say now. It is either that we put this rubbish behind us and move together or we seperate. Those are the options. In the instance of the latter, I am free to take my time with returning. (All within reason of cause)
What my husband fails to see is that his divorce decision would force(or encourage) a greater understanding between us. One that we would have to build to make our child's life better anyway. We would have to forge a better relationship because the alternative would be completely unacceptable-at least to me!
So if he thinks that all he would be doing is picking her up and bringing her back and having a standing order at his bank going into an account for her, he is wrong. He shall have to learn to communicate with me in a mutually amicable way.
I think that it is possible that he may feel a relief when he thinks of seperating because of all of the stresses that we both have been under. It has been hard on the both of us. It is a shame that we could not have gone another way. It would have been so simple to nurture instead of tear down. I am sad about that.
Running from what you perceive as stress is actually running from life in a way. I am still left with questions when I think of his revelation.
Yet, I also continue to feel in my gut that this is NOT about me at all. I am just the fallout of a bigger issue that has everything to do with him.

Congratulations

Tonight I don't want to fight with or about my husband. Instead I want to boast and to preen and to feel very happy about him and the fact that he's finally finished with his studies and feels very good about himself.
I am very proud of him and I wish that I could hug and kiss him. but instead I sent him a short note of congratulations.

I prefer this feeling.

Much Ado about much

Last night the phone wrang and it was my husband, sounding very pleasant on the other side of the line. The pleasantness did not last very long however when he began to harang me again about how long I would be back for.
After many hanging up moments on my side, I eventually told him that the conversation could not continue and that it would be best for us to discuss the matter some other time.
He emailed me a few hours after that with a much more sober, caring response.

I have discussed this so much that I have blunted the meaning of everything, and even worse, I react emotionally all the time to what he says to me.

I am writing all about everything that goes on here, so that I can somehow get a handle on what to do and how to do it.

I feel so embarrassed to be so weak! Today when I spoke to my friend Stephen, he told me that he thinks that my husband and I sound more like two people trying to one up the other in some childish contest. That is not my intention at all. I have heard that I have to put my foot down and this has been my own conclusion as well.

Why can't I see clearly for myself? Why does this thing make me feel so incompetent and scared?

The answer is simple, your husband knows how to manipulate you. he is using scare tactics and they work on you very well.

If this were not happening to me, but to someone else, I think that I would be so annoyed and bored by now with the person's behavior. I would possibly have told them to make a decision and stick to it, that they couldn't sit on the fence indefinately, and that if they wanted this whole shitty matter to work at all, they would have to develop some fucking backbone!

I am tired of this!

I keep waffling, saying that I want certain things and then reacting whenever my husband says something that makes rubs me the wrong way.

As my cousin reminded me last night, because he called right after I hung up with my husband, this is up to me. Not up to him, and that has been something that I just keep not getting. I keep giving up my power to him because I somehow feel that I am somehow not responsible or not capable. I use language like, this is his dream, he want's to do this. I divorce myself form the responsibility of the thing emotionally.

I really must make a concerted effort to be not only mindful of when and how I willingly give my power away, but also to the fact that I will not die or be disrespected if I stand up for myself.

Am I usually such a wimp normally? No.
So why here?
This man has known me my whole adult life. he knows my weaknesses,and yes, I know his as well.

I have to return home and stand my ground about what we need to do next. We have to move together as a family if we want things to work.

Urgent views

This afternoon my uncle told me that I needed to call my husband's relatives. When I did, I was very surprised to hear the urgency in the voice of his cousin. She is completely against my coming back to Canada empty handed. Her views are very explicit and passionate. I am sure that my husband shall be quite shocked by her attitude if she lets him stay with them! It is actually that serious! She does not support his views at all.
I have gotten many opinions about what is going on in my life. In some way, I am very grateful for the information. I believe that I cannot have not suffered for it. However, as the time draws close to going back, the decision is mine.
Here is how I see it as opposed to what it is to the other party ie. My husband.
I am going to discuss the plans as they stand. Even as I write that, I feel his resistance already.
We have not been speaking, so have I already made a tactically negative move?
I have been told even in my dreams that this man will not change. If that is the case, the problem is one of planning for our child's future separately.It also means that I owe him nothing, and do not have to go anywhere without her again!
It is that simple.
The only way that I would even consider coming back to Canada without her, would be in the instance that I am doing so for our family. That is the only reason to do it. Nothing else.
I have to admit, his cousin's words and the energy of the no calling and the arguing when we do speak, takes its toll and right now I feel like backing down from writing another word about this whole situation!
I am trying to do alot of things with my return. Can I do them all? I do not know. I have never had this experience? I do not know what to expect and to me that is helpful because it gives me hope.
I cannot set out with a defeatest attitude. I have to keep my energy high, my plans clear, my heart open, and my eye on the prize.

Discouraged (courage)

In my musings about what I shall do when I return home, I have built up several scenarios. The first being that I must do all that I do from a position of positive courage and strength. I have heard so much of what I am likely to be told before, so I have the element of familiarity and that is an advantage.
I am dealing with pig headed people, people used to their own way. What they all do not expect is for me to be strong and to stand my ground. That is the wild card.
This week it seems that my husband and I have the same view of the other. I have not written to him and he has not written to me either. He is very good at negativity. In fact his Ph'D should be in that.
I am amazed at how much negative energy he puts into his day and his life! This is not the man whom I met so long ago. He was always a bit negative, but he was also so smart and optimistic. It is true that he must feel a bit beaten down by life, but life is a maliable thing and is dependent on what you put into it.
He has been positive when I have felt hopelessly negative as recently as a year ago. Because of what I plan to do when i return, i can see him very differently now. Instead of focusing on the person of the moment, if I cast my mind back to all that I see that is good, it makes it easier to deal with him, because I know that he is really a good person under all of that rough exterior. unfortunately he is very familiar with anger and being unkind.
One might ask, then why go into the belly of the beast?
Well right now, I feel like David to his Goliath.
I have seen his strength and his moves and it is now time to make my own.

On a minor note.....

I went to the library yesterday and I got the first two Alexander Mc Call Smith, Sunday Philosopher's Club books. SO I stopped reading the last one and have plowed into reading the first one instead.


ahhhh, little pleasures, how they make one smile.

Hesitation

This morning and yesterday my mind has been racing with a number of what if scenarios. It would be funny in another matter. I keep having to remind myself that I do not know how I shall proceed when I get home. What I do know is that I shall not be working from a place of observation and smallness anymore. Here is my opportunity to literally lay down the law and to stand my ground.I shall be doing so from a place of positivity, with no expectations, but the genuine one in my heart.
That is all that can be expected from me.
I have opinions, I have views, and I have to say what is on my mind instead of going along and hoping for the best.

the obligations of life

I am reading the Alexander Mc Call Smith, Isabel Dalhousie Series, and I am sorry that after reading the first one, I now have the third one with two that I should have read before, because now that I know what happened, I shall have to read them backwards. But I am glad to read this one. I didn't like the first book at all. But I loved the images of Scotland. I could see Smith trying to bring the same sort of sensibility and sensitivity from the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series, to this group of books.

I started this entry, not to review the series, but to comment of cause on something that the writer talks about, that is happening between two of his characters. The older woman and the younger man. She is a philosopher and a writer, and she is mindful of her young lover's feelings when he asks her to marry him. She gives him an out because she knows that his wanting to marry her has to come from a place where he really wants to do so, and not from a place of obligation.

This is such a big part of our relationships. Here I am, feeling all sorts of emotions about my own life.
As I have tried to take a rest from my issues, and so to it seems has my husband (he has not contacted me at all) I have been toying with ways to poke at it from a distance. Sort of like literally with a long stick, looking at it's underside.

It sort of helps me look at it anew in a way. I can almost look at it without ego and raw emotions.
I see myself just standing up and confronting everyone who comes into my path with my needs clearly stated.
I certainly have nothing to lose. I have heard every type of criticism there is.
For too long, I have felt that I have no power, no say. Then I thought of myself as having some economic power, but I knew that that was besides the point. It didn't seem to make a dent on the matter, and the person standing with that perceived power and not having it acknowledged or feeling it as true, really has none, because all the power in the world with no love is not really rewarding is it?

I also recalled today the past when I was just so tired and my feelings were waning. I now wish that I had known that they could return with gusto. But are they here for a swan song? I am so aware of waiting time! My concern is that I should spend this time wisely. But there is the ego again.
I will not know anything until I go boldly into the night.

There are lessons everywhere

TV reality SOS

I cannot say that reality television is all crap, because I like looking at four of them, America's Next Top Model, Iron Chef, Next Food Network Star and Project Runway Canada. SO I have to say that I am a reality television junky.
Tonight on the first show mentioned, I saw a very beautiful girl crumble because she just gave in to her fears.
Actually this is why I watch these shows, I actually look at what can be learnt from them.
This girl had a tiny inkling of failure and as the show progressed, she literally gave in to the comfortable feeling of sinking. To watch her second guess herself and not find the energy to push through, was tough. It makes me see myself, how I may come across (to myself, first of all).
Oddly, despite the meltdown this afternoon, I have been looking at the whole idea of confidence and stoking the fires of positivity. What has been helping me when I hit a wall has been the thought that, ok, so I feel like this at the moment, but you know what, IT ISN'T TOMORROW IS IT!

I look at couples nuzzling and carrying kids, or buying something lovely, looking like a million dollars, walking with their good looking, well dressed, happy man and I tell myself, look at that, how lovely. I shall feel that again. I know it.

The other day i saw a lady in her car. Not a hair or makeup out of place. She got out and opened the door to her house in a cavalier fashion, and those words came to me.

There is no doubt that what I feel is a constant challenge to run from falling apart.
But you know what....ok, so I feel like this at the moment...

sobering words from a friend

My friend Stephen just spoke very seriously with me about what is happening with my husband and I. It was so helpful. He mentioned that the 50/50 partnership is so important, and that my husband behaves like a very immature, fearful man, and my parents don't help the matter.
My uncle just returned from the islands, after the funeral of his father, and he told me that my husband is looking very good, very toned and very relaxed! Would you believe that that annoyed me a bit. It sounded as though he's having a really wonderful time with me out of sight. As opposed to me, who feels anxious about my returning and what and how I am going to implement all that I have set out to do.I do want him to be feeling good about himself, but it was just somehow a bit irksome to hear.

As I have been doing all that I can to pull back from thinking too much about returning and the implications involved, I have to admit that it has helped. The whole thing is stressful enough.

I have had some dips of depression, but the post that I wrote before has helped tremendously.

I sometimes feel like I just do not have the answers to my issues. I am weary and wary at once. I feel so emotional about the decisions that I stear transfixed into space, trying to come to terms with how to get past being transfixed!
I wonder whether I can handle the world and the day to day concerns within it. i feel like an alien with too much sensitivity. I want to do whatever is 'right' but in my instance, what does that mean?
I am going into the unknown when I return and part of me doesn't want to have to deal with it at all. But I know that I have to deal with it. It is there. I have a daughter who deserves her positive, wonderful mummy, not a basketcase.
So I have to just suck it up and know that whatever the outcome, it shall not be forever and things do and will get better.

How do I change?

If I feel depressed
I will sing.
If I feel sad
I will laugh.
If I feel ill
I will double my labour.
If I feel fear
I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior
I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain
I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty
I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent
I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant
I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.

-Og Mandino, “The Greatest Salesman in the World”
………………………………………..


That text came from the Facebook of a friend of mine. I thought that it was very helpful. My uncle returned today and amidst all of the things that I got, I didn't get a letter from my husband. This is something that I have always received no matter what. Now, we do email all the time, but I felt quite hollow inside and then I saw that quote and it really helped.

Positive Shpiel

Today I went to school to hear what I could do regarding an internship assignment with my instructor Albert. As expected it is very involved and intimidating, but the point is to just break up the request into small bite sized pieces.
I don't know whether I mentioned that my instructor made a big deal of me to the class on the last day. He told everyone where I went to school, and today he added that my resume and my portfolio were very impressive (from his mouth to the ears of those willing to give me a great job) It was quite flattering to hear so many good things. In fact it got me feeling a little embarrassed, because I felt like a spotlight was on me. But I also was able to see myself from a different place, a place that is very important for me. To be confident and sure about myself is something I need to feel in my bones.
I am slowly realising that Canada is just a name.
I don't mean it to sound so casual, and I suppose I should write this when I am part of the workforce and can proove this for sure. But to me, this country feels like a frontier land STILL! I see it as being filled with potential.
In fact, I am convinced that my success is dependent completely on my ability to think my way there.

Everything feels possible here.

Spending time with Stephen, listening to him talk about his experiences, going out and looking around at what is going on, as people prepare for Christmas makes me aware that I am actually finding things about the country to enjoy.
Today I stood at Young and Eglington and enjoyed the sunset for a few seconds.

I love the choices in bookshops, Read about a book online or in a magazine and find it the next day.

Indulge every food fantasy that comes your way.

Find a great Art show, play, concert, movie or crawl.

See people with their kids having a great time, and feeling very comfortable and happy in their surroundings.

Tons of educational programmes that are not priced out of the stratosphere.

Gorgeous Architecture, gardens, parks and activities are always happening and cost nothing at all.

It is so much better to just feel optimistic instead of bogged down with the foolishness that I have taken on over the last couple of weeks.
It feels good to see the second tier of my plans regarding my course take flight. Tomorrow I shall be working on my project and my final assignment. I also have a project in Trinidad to do and ideas are springing up for Art too.
Today I concluded that I just have to make what I want, happen. I was thinking about all that I have on my agenda, and the whole staff question that comes up all the time in my thoughts. Then I found myself sounding like the Nike advertisment, Just Do It!

I woke up

I woke up this morning and felt rejuvenated. I am not sure how or why, but here are the messages that I have been getting from my morning.

LIVE

Stop being afraid of upsetting others, and acting as though you need permission to be an adult. You want to be an Artist and you want to write. Yesterday you walked all over Toronto with Stephen and you felt so confident that the city was embracing you. Everything looked possible. You did eye the 20 million jackpot and wonder as well. It is the season to fell positive and happy to go on to the new year with confidence about the future. But moreso, you felt yesterday, the same feeling you got in New York, that you can rule the place with your vision.
I feel almost unable to actually put into words the feelings that are coming to me. Let me just say that I feel much better.

I am going to venture to just write it all down. It has no linear meaning.

Be the joy you want to feel. Allow your husband the opportunity to be who he wants to be. The door will always be open for him, if and when he wants to feel the embrace of joy.
Make no judgements one way or the other.
Spend that time with your child that you want to spend. Make her delariously happy to be around you, as you know you feel around her.
Let all those who love her, into your life have a wonderful Christmas, and carry those positive feelings into your year.
make happy plans, like going to Tobago and spending a few days swimming, visiting the German Art Gallery, eating Tobago food and taking lots of pictures.

LIVE

Stop worrying that you will not get approval, or that you will have a physical wrangle for your child. Or that your husband plans to make your life a nightmare. You have only positive intentions for your child and yourself. It is time that you stop cowering in your mind. Thinking that you do not deserve happiness.

Going out yesterday, you saw how wonderful friendship is. You spent time with someone who loves you. Someone who is genuine.
The way to win this war with your husband is through LOVE.
Keep love in your heart, he will come around. And even if he doesn't, he cannot look at you and say that your child is in bad hands, because he will not be able to deny the joy he will see within her.

This also means that you are in complete control. You shall not allow any negative talk about him. You shall not encourage any division. You have a choice.
if anyone attempts to hijack your time, you shall snap the whip.
You will have the door open for going back and forth. All shall lead by your example.
This is what and how it should always have gone. But you did not know that you had the power.

LIVE

Hypocrisy


Basket Case

I just signed out with the last sentence still in my thoughts and I concluded that I am a dirty, nasty lier. If I had dreamt that I had met a psychic and she'd said, fight for your marriage, then I would have felt good about it and probably held my ground or re-evaluated the pull and tug of my situation.
This turn of events in my life has me shattered by so many perspectives. There seem to be more than one dynamic affecting my thoughts. On the one hand, I lament that if the issues before me could only disappear, I would be better able to handle what has been put before me.
BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE-: The case is what it is.
That is life sometimes. Things don't seem fair. You can only see in hindsight what you were fighting fruitlessly against. The balm of time tells you that you need not have beaten yourself up, second guessed your decisions, worried yourself into overweight or hair loss.

It is an opportunity to remember that control is not the issue, neutrality is. But it is so hard to do. The ego always seems to get in the way. The ego feels so bruised.
This cannot be happening to me, it cannot seem to get over itself.

It cannot seem to overreach itself and see better just over the bend, so much better that in the better, you realize that you had to let the old go, because of it.

I guess, it shall take time. Time to get past all of the tumult, and no, I will not always have it together. I will make mistakes along the way. I will possibly relapse, I shall be clumsy. I do not know what I am going into. But because I have been pregnant, I now understand that just because you may not know what you are going into, does not mean that you cannot come out, much, much better for it.

the gossamer stuff of dreaming

Last night I had a lucid dream, and in it, I met a psychic and she told me that I should leave my husband. Waw, just writing that kinda scared me! She wasn't a very stable character, and at one point I had to console her, because her own relationships had not made her life any better. As dreams go, it was pretty interesting. I decided to write about it here because I have concluded that there should be one place in my life where I can lay everything on the line and not let fear and doubt consume me. Having written down what I dreamt and given a small part of it here, I already do not feel it as something to be scared of. Looking at it on the page has defused its power.


The dream made me think on my decisions that I have already made. I realized that although the dream told me something I felt difficult to hear, it suggested to me, quite unexpectedly, that the choices that I am to make, must be made because it is best for me. Whatever it may be. I shall make my views from a standpoint of personal empowerment, and not from a dream.

I know that that sounds as though I am going to shrug the dream off, and not head it's wisdom. I actually think that in this instance, I am looking at what I experienced in the dream, and I do take it seriously, but I also know that long ago, I decided to believe in my judgement.

What I am saying is that I do not feel comfortable making such a major decision on a dream. The dream is helpful, fruitful and strong enough to cause me to write about it. But whatever I choose to do, I do because the evidence proves that I should proceed in whatever direction I need to go.

Amazing coincidence


My zodiac for today...

We find you hoping for a change in circumstances that will justify the end of a tired and futile arrangement. But once you start the process, there will be very little chance of turning back.

put paid

My mother-in-law told me that little one went for a drive with her daddy and then her uncle and auntie and when she got back, she was a bit sad. This was not said to upset me, but I felt upset anyway. The thought that she was feeling melancholy and I could not give her a hug. I felt wretched. SO tonight when my husband called, I started to tell him about it and he side stepped what I was saying, only to find out when I would be leaving Trinidad. I got so mad that I told him that it made no sense talking with him at all, and that we do not speak the same language.

I was so aggetated when I hung up that I called the only person I know who I could discuss such a matter with. I was so pleseantly sated by his words. He asked me, why did I expect something different from someone who clearly is not capable of giving me the sort of emotional support that I want.
I sat back and thought to myself, exactly.
I should know better.
I have known better.

My friend also reminded me that I miss home, and that I am doing something that isn't easy. But he also reminded me that I am not the first person that this has happened to. What I am experiencing is quite natural to someone who has to make the sort of decisions that one has to make when coming to another country.

I really appreciated what he said to me. I could not have seen this like that, i am so close to it.

I am always surprised at my reaction to my husband. I seem equally unable to change as well.
But tonight my anger came from a realisation that I was talking to a brick wall. He cannot see things as I do. He is incapable of doing so, and I have to mourn the fact and move on. Not expect him to be what he cannot, and accept who he really is. The unvarnished reality (as I see it).

The verdict

My husband responded to me very quickly after I called the travel agent and sent him an email about what I was thinking of doing. He wanted me to know that it would not be possible to change the date of my medical. So, that's that.

Ponder this

The greatest good that can come to anyone is the forming within him of an absolute certainty of himself, and of his relationship to the Universe. Forever removing the sense of heaven as being outside himself.
.....................................................

I found that in my little black book, where I write down all of the hunches and feelings that leap out at me. I have found it very helpful, particularly before I travelled. I started doing it when I found alot of the things I was feeling, to be intenable and overwhelming. I do not use the book as much now, I use it for other notes, and ideas, phone numbers, research and inspiration. But it still works when I need it to.

Last night was a moment. I was really feeling down, and had to buoy myself up again. The good thing was that I knew what I was feeling and I was able to work on myself relatively quickly. I kept reminding myself that bad times do not go on forever either.

I offered the suggestion to my uncle that I would change my flight to today, and go with him to Trinidad, as he has to go for his fathers' funeral. he returns next Wednesday. That gives him seven days there.

He thanked me, but said that he was concerned that if I chose to do that, I would still miss the opportunity to do what I should do, which is get my money in hand.

I still wonder whether it is at all possible to change my ticket and shall call the travel agent and ask a question in the next few minutes when I finish this post. When I thought about what I was willing to do, I still felt a stab at my heart. If I do this, it would mean not seeing my little one for Christmas! It is still a big compromise on my side. The very thought makes me cringe.

But, I remember what I just started the post with, Heaven is within me.

note to self

Ever so often I feel as though nothing is happening for me. It is a bad feeling to me, because I really feel as though when I am in such a mood, everything that I have worked for crashes and I have to start again from scratch.
I was looking at some film of my little one and I ache, ache sometimes with missing her. I feel like I might go out of my mind for missing her. I feel so lonely without love, without support, without some affection in my life. I feel embarrased to admit it. But it is true. I think I could endure what I am going through alot better if I had that assurance.

Projections 2

What was interesting about what I tried today is the fact that I looked at the matter from the standpoint of what if there is another way, apart from the way that my husband and I are seeing the present situation. That fact helped me to not only look from a new and different perspective, it also helped to remove judgement as well.

Projecting


Last night I almost recanted the post I wrote. But this morning I awoke with a better sense of what I meant. Now that may sound weird, but I knew that I was stating something that had a greater enfoldment later.

Now that it is later, I can say that I have given other views some thought.

Here is a sample of what I mean...what if I meet this criteria that my husband is so hell bent on me meeting, ie: a job that is promised for January. Then he cannot say that I did not take the matter seriously, and he cannot hold over my head the view that I should return quickly.
Knowing him as I do however, he may say that I should look for something better than what I got, if what it is, is something that starts in January. He'd be loath to admit that his plans have been usurped by me.

Last night I also saw the need to hold strongly to my own decision, and to not let his view colour my own true beliefs. I want to be able to see our little one. I too have a suppose (as he did last time we talked...he kept saying suppose this and suppose that!)
Suppose I don't get to see her until July 2008! Or even later! Can I do that? I already know the answer.

Better outcomes must be forthcoming for me to be able to move forward comfortably. 2008 shall mean, truly being untethered from our home country. it shall be sink or swim time, it shall be challenging to see how quickly we adapt to our new surroundings. it shall be interesting to see how my husband shall carry himself in this new environment. he has said that he is not afraid of doing any kind of job that he can. He is also gung ho on going to Calgary. He is also already making my time here sound as though I have been wasting time, when he plans to 'hit' the ground running when he arrives.
I do not plan to play any games of who's better. It is a stupid game. My eye is on how soon our child can be with us.
How he managed determines how well our lives will proceed. Will we proceed as he says he wants? Will I finally be able to pursue what I set out for myself? So much remains to be answered.


When so much is left up to the moment, I have the fallback of my pregnancy experience, and that is to proceed with what i can see, putting one foot in front of the other as I experience the new.

LAst minute thoughts for the night

Perhaps I should take a rest from what is happening to me, in favour of looking at the whole issue differently.

For just a moment, I shall think outside my box.

realisations

Today we got the sad news that my uncle's father has died. He left a very emotionally scarred family behind. He left their mother when they were little, and he did manage however to make his sons better fathers because of the kind of parent he was. Even at the end, their relationship with him was difficult. This death makes you wonder about the way that some people choose to live.

Meanwhile in my own life, my husband wrote me a much better letter.....that seems to be his pattern, blow up, think, write a better letter. He called tonight to express his condolences and we got into an argument about the immigration issue AGAIN!
He concludes that I should not apply for our child until I get a job. He is committed to this way of thinking, and I have realised tonight that he shall never think differently. I cannot get through to him that one does not necessarily beget the other.

I spent today finally getting into a routine that I like. But I shall not discuss it until it really takes hold more strongly. I did some research today as well, into some ideas for one of the shows that I want to do. I'll make the work and put it down until I find avenues to show it. I most likely shall show online and start a paypal account with it. When our teacher gives us more information about actually hosting our site, then I shall feel better able to do it. I can gradually build the idea as the work collects and I can actually photograph things in a good environment.

I realise that when I talk about my work, I can actually shrug off all of the nonsence that threatens to uproot me, and instead focus on creating new ideas. I borrowed a really good graphic novel from Goldenhawk Park. The artist is a female Isreali cartoonist and her drawings are so sensitive and quirky. I liked it very much. I have been looking at these types of stories lately because I am interested in doing a project. But mine will require some photography of the everyday and interiors of houses, images from television and movies and maybe even some night vision imagery. I have written some of the script already and plan to do much more in the coming months. I have no idea how long it shall take, but I plan to just work on it when I can.

Maybe, this second death can also teach me something about my own relationship. So much has been said, and so many times I speak or write to him and get upset. Tonight I realised that I am wasting time, treading the same water.
What is the point of all of this. Nothing changes.
I was looking at some of the mundain things of life today. Children getting out of a car, parents walking around the mall, elderly gentlemen talking, an old, ill lady in a wheelchair...sometimes I imagine that all of us were impatient to come to the Earth plain, confident that we would make a difference. Then once here, our intentions gave way to the illusions of life and we found ourselves hopelessly mired in doubt and fear and judgement and bitterness.

What am I doing? How much of my life do i intend on spending in a wrangle with someone who sees the way my husband chooses to see?

I am becoming better friends with myself every day, and what I feel matters.

Today i read in that same comic book about a child waking up on their birthday to see their room changed to a place of celebration, baloons and guifts at their bed.
I am so happy and lucky to be able to cast my mind foreward to the parent I want to be, while waiting to hold her in my arms again.

If only for moments at a time, i can forget the foolishness that we can make this wonderful world to be.

Letters to a Young Artist

I was just finishing reading that book, when a thought came to me to be answered without thought. The question is,
"What blessing has come through my present perceived difficulty"

stillness

growth

more self awareness

greater strength ~ of character

more awareness of my relationship and what it means to me

Messages and Readings for the week

From Pema Chodron
~ excerpts and opinions from her book, The Places that Scare You

Pose a series of questions to yourself the next time a surge of negative emotions sends you running for the escape hatch. Think about the outer situation - what just happened to provoke your anger or fear.
"Then ask yourself, what feelings are brought up by those feelings of fear or anger."
If you sit and feel those emotions, you might find behind them some sadness or even fear.
Next, ask youself, "What is your strategy?" WHat habits do you use to move away from the rawness of your feelings that you really do not want to feel.

You need to know that it is alright to rail against the feelings you feel. Explore the ugly feelings, let them hang out.

Use this time to OBSERVE Yourself.

If you hate the rage, if you feel you have to replace it with something else, there's always some shame or guilt involved,"Chodron says, "Insight comes out of being kind to yourself, not out of saying that you're broken and you need to be fixed, changed, made over. If you're willing to stay with your neurosis - not act it out, not repress it, not fix it - then your own wisdom guide will come forth.

If you stay and discover the things in yourself that you're always run from, you begin to have some tenderness for your own situation. This complete friendship with yourself is the core of any spiritual growth.

You must also say to yourself that, "Am I going to work on staying with the feelings? Or am I going to waste time strengthening strategies that keep me afraid. my heart and my mind closed."

The Places That Scare You is not a one way ticket to paradise. It is not saying that bad things are never going to touch your life. It is instead knowing that it is NOT the bad things that become the problem, but HOW you choose to DEAL with responding to the bad things that happen in your life.
..................................................................................

The 4 Agreements
~ don Miguel Ruiz

The writer states that the drama and suffering in our lives is self inflicted. What we need to do, is to learn to live another way.
The agreements are-:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Do not take anything personally.
3. Do not make assumptions about others.
4. Always do your best.
.................................................................................

The final article was about Reconnecting in your relationships

Work on POSITIVE FLOODING

Positive flooding is literally what it sounds like. It is basically telling your partner positive things over a period of time.
Why do this? Because ENERGY FOLLOWS ATTENTION.

The second principle is that problems cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness at which they were created. We form our ideas about relationships in our connection to our parents, and when our needs are not met, we cry, sulk or even rebel. We experience what is called a wound, and we create a defense against being wounded again, such as withdrawing emotionally or escalating our demands.
When we are ready for adult commitment, more often than not, our unconscious mind selects someone who has positive and negative traits similar to those of our parents, in order to have another chance to heal ourselves. Often though, we end up reliving the patterns of hurt.
Although it is not possible to be everything for your partner, knowing the role your backgrounds play in the relationship helps you to move from blame to assistance without feeling bombarded.

INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE

1. Mirroring
2. Validating
3. Empathizing

Mirroring suggests that you use what your partner says to communicate your feelings.

Validating means not being negative about what your partner is saying to you that may feel like something to argue about. You do not have to agree. You just have to make your partner aware that you heard what they are saying.

Empathizing then suggests that you understand where your partner stands in comparison to yourself.

These exercises are all about listening to the other person and acknowledging that that person has been heard.
You do not give up your own thoughts and feelings to do this though. This is done so that your partner sees and knows that you are putting an effort out to communicate positively with them.

REMEMBER: A relationship CANNOT remain the same when one of you has changed.

the matter at hand

December, January, February


I AM SAYING-: What is wrong with coming back for twenty-one days? I intend on seeing to my financial issues and spending time with our child.

He is saying: Do not stay for any length of time. Go back, get the medical and leave. Your objective is to find a job as fast as possible. Then, and only THEN will he look at her immigration issue.

IAS: Hold up, this was not the plan. The plan had been to see about this right away. I am here in Canada and I am very concerned about our child being away from me for several more months. I have no intention of making it months and months and even years!

HIS: She is in good hands. He doesn't agree to have her here with us as we look for work. He wants her to stay with his mother and for both of them to eventually follow us.But then he is making the situation more difficult by talking about divorce and not signing her immigration papers.

IAM: You are not giving me any insentive to either work with you or trust you. You have already changed the plans regarding her immigration and you plan on divorcing anyway. There is nothing that you can threaten now to make me do what you want because you have not even tried to work with me.
I have seen your threats, and they will not hold water. You went as far as saying that you would use my being in Canada against me and say that I abandoned our child. Now how low is that! Doesn't that sound like a very desperate man, and the thing is, what are you saying these things for? What are you hoping to achieve. I never talked divorce, you did. So why aren't you more pro active and confident about your plans for yourself? I can answer that, you are not pro-active because you know that all of this is actually about how you feel about yourself, and when you finally realise that you are afraid, only then can we really work together.

discussed, disgust

This morning I discussed the threatening letter with my uncle. I even told him about the whole divorce talk. It was good to be able to tell someone whom I respect and trust what is going on with me. This whole situation is so unnecessary, and I am sure that my husband also believes this, but of cause he only does so, as far as his point is concerned. I know that he is probably wondering why I am not complying with his view of things. But what he does not seem to realise is that he has shown his whole hand. He has threatened me quite enough!

I cannot understand how and why he cannot see that I miss our child and want to spend time with her. I do not understand why he cannot at least listen to my point of view. He is determined to continue along his path, no matter what logic is placed before him. I actually feel very, very saddened by his behavior.
I have tried to compromise, and he expects me to. I have offered a truce, and he has only slapped my hand for that. There is nothing else that can be done, but to go forward.

Divali

He wants to fight, he wants to threaten

When I returned from New York, my husband called not too long after I had finally settled down for the evening. He sounded quite upbeat. I even told him so. Everthing was going well until he brought up my travel time with me again, and today I checked my email, only to get a big, fat, threatening letter from him, giving me ultimatums and telling me that he's going to take my child away from me if certain things are not met.

He has threatened me once too often. I am no longer moved by his actions. This is a case of crying wolf.
One of the many things that I thought about on my way to New York was what would I really like to do? This argument and bile is about my spending twenty one days at home. He is behaving as though to do so is irresponsible and wreckless.
He also keeps using his mother as some sort of gambit by telling me that if I come back for so long, then his mother shall not take care of our child for any of that time. (As though I would have some issue with that!) He does not leave the matter there though, and goes on as I have stated above.

He gives no leeway.

All of his responses say, do this and I threaten you with divorce. Do that and I threaten you with divorce.
I find all of his actions tiresome and lame!

I just realised that his threat is particularly absurd and hollow because he has to leave for London in January, so he really has no power to dictate my life anyway!

Going to New York to the memorial service of my Aunt's best friend's son was emotionally taxing, so much happened,and I intended on writing about it all. But I had decided against taking my computer, and I am glad that I did not. Sometimes experiences are to be thought about and not necessarily written about. We set out with good food and music and storytelling, but as we got closer to New York, the mood became reticent and somber. On our return, we all felt a weariness and a lightness.
I got alot out of the experience, although I did not know the young man, I knew his mother, and I found myself asking in my head, the purpose of life, the point of the effort we put into certain things, and then my cousin, who is only three years younger than her son, asked me the same question and I was able to tell him that we all come to the Earth for 'life.' Somehow, we all want to experience 'it.' It is not experienced in vain or without meaning.

I saw the marked difference in the way that my aunts, her friend and my sister lives. I gave alot of thought to the choices that people make. I pondered the decisions that these women were and are faced with, I thought about the decisions I too am faced with. I thought about my little one constantly, as I always do, and hoped that I could impart guides for her life that will help her negotiate her journey ahead.

I discovered things about myself and my views on working, on love and on compassion. I foiled a disagreement that could have brewed with my sister by appealing to her sensitive side by being sensitive myself to her expected response.
I embraced New York, and I missed things about it I had forgotten.
I also felt that it is conquerable as far as my Art is concerned and that made me feel very, very good.

I felt that in some way I had rested from myself and my worries for a moment, although I carried myself with me.

We all felt that his death brought to all of us, an awareness of something much bigger than ourselves. He chose his life to tell us something about our own, to alert us to what is really important.

I thank you Mark.

threshold

The last few days and the last few exchanges with my husband have led me to conclude that I need to spend some time out of contact with him. I have reached a limit. My husband has mislead me, and I need some time to get over how upset I feel.
Last night he tried to sell the idea that "I" should get a job and worry about our daughters' immigration papers after.

This was not our agreement.

He is changing the plan, giving no concern to my feelings, in fact, my view does not factor into his plans whatsoever.

So here is the way that I feel.

My situation feels too stressful, to much is being thrown at me, and I am not feeling good about my situation. So now I must straighten all of this out, in order to feel like myself again.
What I am being told does not suit me. I have been trying to be accomadating to my husband. I now find that he is abusing his authority. So I am taking my life back. My decision counts. My feelings matter. I am in charge of my life, and our daughter is my child and should be with me, her mother.
What I am doing now, I am doing with my own plans in mind.

?????

After really feeling at a loss to understand what is going on in the mind of my husband, I called him. We were able to talk, but he is still not convincing me that I can feel he is rational. he is now saying that I should focus on getting a job and once that is done, then he'll sign the immigration document for the baby.

I think that I must now leave this matter alone.
I have done all that I can. I cannot reach him, although talking to him was better. he said that the loud text was so that I would notice that part of the letter as important!
Who is he kidding?

It is time to leave this bullshit alone.

Not playing with a full deck

As I wrote earlier, today I sent my husband a letter, trying to appeal to his compassion. I stated all my concerns over the last few months and I asked that we find a 'safe space' call a truce, to come together to discuss our child.
Well, I got a letter that was partly written in regular type and the other half written in twenty four point type!

Something is terribly wrong with him.

O my God!

We are speaking the same language and I cannot reach him at all. he is determined to do things in only his way, and he doesn't care about ANY other view.

He cannot be reasoned with.



It is very sad.

Pause

Today I had very different plans. I spent alot of the day online, writing several letters. One of them was to the client whose book I am doing. He insists that I did not return a photograph to him, when I did do so. I have found the whole situation so unsettling and weird that I thought that by writing about it here, I could somehow understand it.
What I am asking today is whether I am to blame somehow for this bizaare behavior of the man. Did I some how call it on? I cannot understand his aggressive behavior at all! I am worried because I am dealing with aggression in my husband. So I ask, am I drawing this to myself, if so, this must end right now.

My instinct is saying that this has gone quite far enough and that it is important to end this right now. I spoke up for myself and he compromised, then he was rude again and I had to put him in his place and hang up. Then today, his email assaults was met with my contacting the publisher and letting him know what has gone on and I have made it clear that I see it best to no longer deal with the gentleman in any way.

I have done all that I can and all that I should.
I stand by my actions. The book is good. I am very pleased with its outcome and now I want to do more great books, other types of design and my art.

Helpful salve

My visit to my husband's family lasted until nearly after ten, and this is with putting the clocks back the hour. It was amazing to just let everything out. I even tentatively mentioned the seperation. His cousin got animated from the first statement about the going back and not getting to see the baby. She was furious. How could he tell you that! She asked me. Then I mentioned the letter I had written to the lawyer, and she said that she had read it. She wondered at the time, what woman would be so silly as to care about the mother-in-law to such an extent?
These people have known my husband all his life, so to tell me the things that they did, and to advise me as they did, was truely appreciated. His cousin is adamant that I not feel the least concerned about going back to Trinidad and getting my child back. She works with problem children and children who have been adopted, and she was very clear about how the issue of parting and rejoining your child feels and is for both parties. In fact his family were so supportive of me, that I believe that there is no way that he can visit them in the future, saying all of his gripes and be entertained.

Before I left, I checked my email and the letter from him was much, much better. More subdued and sensitive for a change. He still is not bending from the whole divorce idea, because he stated in the letter that he shall always support 'us.' But at least the letter was better thought through.
This situation has been so very stressful, and as I find happens with every major issue that I have faced in my life, I feel as though I have joined a rollercoaster of currents that toss me willy nilly, making me feel umempowered. But this time, the issue is closest to me and I feel all the trepadations of someone afraid to make major change. I don't feel that I know the right thing to do. I worry that I will do the wrong thing and have the people who matter, upset with me. So you see, on the one hand, you think that you have gone very far, but then, when you are faced with new problems, you realise that they manifest themselves again in a way that you have to deal with them again, as though you made no strides before. Or at least that is how it feels.

I have a problem with perceived authority. I want to please. I do not want to have to think for myself. I want approval. I want to feel safe and liked. I am afraid that if I take the initiative and go counter to the desires of those who I feel have more authority, I would get into some sort of trouble .... and to make matters worse, right now, I am thinking to myself, suppose I do take her and have several more months similar to the ones I have now? Wouldn't I feel defeated?
Wouldn't he just be prooven right?

There are no easy answers here. All I do know is that I cannot continue to spent time away from my child.

The Issues at hand

I am preparing to go to see my husband's relatives in a little while, and I have decided to make a list of the things that I should take into account, from the things that I can do nothing about. I find that things become stressful when they need not be, or at least can be handled at a later time.

The document that must be put in to immigration before I go back home to see about my finances states that I must have a document of my earnings over the last year. This is a concern because I left my job to stay at home with our child.

My husband is still poking me and hassling me about how long I shall be home. He thinks that if I stay longer than a week, I'll want to stay perminantly, or not come back to Canada until he straightens everything out. (Which by the way, anyone else in their right mind would insist on as he is the one who wants to make the big move.)

The thought of going back and not seeing our child rips at my heart and soul! To be frank, it would be easier to do, if he hadn't mentioned the D word. The insane thing is that the D word was brought up because of the fact that our child was not born in Canada. So it is like the literal Sword of Damicles!
Can we ever get past that!

The plan that he has is that he shall go to London in January and then come to Canada in February.
I should return to Canada, and either have a job by then or should still be looking, while the papers are being processed for our child and then more papers put in for his mother. The bottom line being that I shall be spending an undetermined number of months more without my little one.

There is no guarantees and no easy solutions to this situation. My husband cannot get past the fact that his child was not born in Canada and has decided to blame me for that. (What good this does, is beyond me.) But that is the situation. It is an emotional statement, a bugbear, an irritant. I have to put that aside.

What is all of this saying....
I can go home and stay with my darling girl and have him do what he should be doing....seeing to getting us to Canada.

or

I can go home, spend a few days to see to my finances, return and continue as I have been doing and hope that the documents are filed in good time, things work out and my mother-in-law and our child be able to come to Canada together.

That is the situation at hand.
Everything after that is on a wait and see basis. Even the big D word can be pushed back at this juncture.

What I find difficult about this, is that it requires me not to try not to be emotional. I have to have patience. I have to try not to want to just scream and be hysterical. I am getting blamed for having to be away from my little one! My husband is adding to my stress by throwing in that emotional equation, and that is not helping, it is only distracting me. He is so convinced that his way is right, and that behavior causes me alot of anxiety.
To avoid feeling this way, I must be proactive about where I stand in terms of all of that, and that is the bottom line.

New tactics was helpful yesterday. There is only so much arguing that you can do, take and stand. This week I have decided not to wait on perfection and to begin sending jpegs out to galleries. After all, I have started to work on ideas for shows, so why wait until all of the kinks are ironed out. Waiting may take too long. Already, the first piece that I am working on since the Indian bas reliefs, is challenging. It can look like a simple line drawing made with thread, and I have plans to hang it a particular way, so I am interested to see how it shall turn out.

With all the resumes sent out, I have heard back from no one! I don't know what to think? Should I now actually find myself outside agencies and go in and literally canvas in the premises?

Today I am going to visit my husband's family here, and we shall talk about jobs. It shall be interesting to get another perspective.

New Tactics

I decided to vere away from all that has been consuming me, and focus instead on mentally building what should be consuming me.
..................................................................

In my mind's eye I saw the modern house, and my parents
came to visit. It is multi-leveled and filled with light.
Everything is sleek but not cold. My not so little one is
running around, very excited to see them, and we are
showing them around the house. From the living room
you can see that the kitchen is around the corner. The
view of the back yard can be seen from the front door.
Just as I wanted, there are Japanese, contemporary
elements throughout the house. There is a staircase
leading upstairs to the bedrooms and one leading
downstairs to the basement 'man cave' and playroom.
My studio is outside the house at the bottom of the
garden.
We also have a pool.

..................................................................

After a week of wrangling, that felt so relaxing.

His reply


I don't want to fight. I don't want to go to court. I don't want to deny you, or myself, access to our daughter. I don't want you to be away from her any more than you want to be away from her.

But you make decisions that are completely out of sync with what common sense. Your staying here for more than a few days is one of those decisions. Think of the consequences, and communicate with me when you have.

All the unpleasantness can be avoided. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, or made you think that I feel you've done nothing for me. You have done a lot for me. But other people, like me, have feelings too, and are under stress, and have other problems. The course of action you are on now--in Canada, getting a job--gets us both what we want. Please don't deviate.

My sign yesterday said

Highly animated feelings have produced irrational behaviour in someone, A brewing poignant drama seems ready to erupt. But when the storm breaks, as it soon will, you'll discover the benign method in the madness of this ordered universe.

It is again, as though the papers has these messages placed every day, specifically for me. My husband has been fishing for days about my trip back home. I sent him a copy of my ticket on his birthday, and he was upset that it says three weeks. He choose to send me a hysterical note saying that if I chose to be home for that long, I'd have to find somewhere to stay.
I replied and told him that I wanted to be sure that what I was coming home to do would be done properly. That did not seem to appease him, and my next letter was emotional, because I stated that all of this could be avoided if he hadn't made the dramatic decision he had. I said that I would be returning to deal with my business for how ever long it took, and that I was expecting that his mother and our child would come up to Canada sometime next year with his mother on a visitor's visa, as clearly, doing her business would take years.

He took what I was saying as a threat and his letter to me was so dispicable, that when I wrote him back and called him to tell him this, I sent the whole letter back, stating that all of its contents was objectionable. In the letter he said that he did n't want to have to do it, but if I chose to come back for any longer than a week, I would have to find the money to go through a custody battle with him, because he would demand full custody of our daughter and site my being in Canada, jobless as the reason for demanding full custody. He would say that I was an unfit mother because I am away from our child right now.
He went on to say that my money that I am coming home to deal with, would evaporate in no time, so it was inconsequential. I have not helped him in any significant way to get to Canada, but that he has helped me, and that if he hadn't come along in my life, I would be like my sister, who has two children by two different men. His letter was dispicable to say the least.

I had to call him back, because responding in a note would not be enough.
He claimed that he hadn't said some of the things I just stated above, but of cause this isn't the case. He did say those things, and I have decided that I, as my cousin says, "I'm done!" So this is how he plans to be. As I have always said about him, I am always amased that he has difficulty being kind and so little difficulty being a prick!

In the past, in all of his letters, he has said that he would never keep me from our daughter, and now he is using the lowest tactics possible to get what he wants!
Meanwhile, I have to keep my focus, and do my best not to get sidetracked by all of this bile and stupidity.

I took a long walk and had a long think about what I should do next. I started by confronting my fears. I don't want to be one of those cliche single mothers, in a bad, dead end job, in horrible relationships with men who want to use you. I don't want to be lonely and bitter, angry and tired from the two or three jobs I'll have to hold down to be able to support my child.
I don't want my parents telling me they told me so, and bad mouthing him every time they see their grandchild. I have been through all my fears when I was pregnant, and now I don't want to go through another laundry list of added fears.

I have to find a good job. I have to get my life in order. I have to make some plans for my future, now.

Suppose h's here in February, goes to Calgary as he plans and he gets this great job and I am still looking? Suppose everything he wants for himself starts happening and I end up having to rely on him?
But then it could go the other way, and in that instance, would I be willing to let him rely on me?

The point is, my life has changed and I have to make some decisions for myself. I am applying to Columbia University on a whim. If I get it, it means that I shall be going to school in New York to do my Masters. I am chosing that school to start my Art career going in full swing. The best Artists seem to be coming out of that school, and it would be a better maunching pad than the lurching that I have been doing, wondering how to get a gallery to even look at my work.

I am worried about money too. With no job yet, my savings dwindling, how am I going to prevent being a cliche divorsee, single mom?

This situation shall take all of my inginuity to change where I am at this moment.
I have nothing to fall back on but my beleif in myself, and that is saying something.
I know how to swim.

breathe in

What I do now, is my decision. I really do not have to listen to him. I miss my child and feel very sad about all of this, but it may make much more sense to continue to have her stay with my mother-in-law.
The question I must ask is whether it makes sense for me to stay here, looking for a job, or is it wiser to go back and wait for all of the legal stuff to be cleared up first?

Going back and waiting does not change the having to find employment in Canada and having my child with me.
It is all a question of timeing. If I return to my country, I have to look for a place to live and a job anyway. The money I am set to get is not money that I can afford to fritter away on the hope of something happening quickly.Also, furthermore, that money has one value in my country and another in Canada, and that value is much, much smaller.

I now have to think singlely.

I can make it in Canada. The fact is that I have to get a job that pays well so that I can house myself, my mother-in-law and my child. The other things, the Italy, the France, they can happen at any time. I simply will have to just get the whole divorce thing out of the way, and that really isn't in the way anyway. it is just a proceedure.


I will really be on my own - with a little one who needs to be taken to school, to play dates, reliant on a happy mummy who cares for her and won't be an absentee parent because she has to work two and three jobs to pay the bills.

If I look at this too closely I'll just get scared, angry and filled with self pity. I cannot afford to think the worst. I must believe that this is the best news I have heard and that my life is going to be a great adventure, filled with endless possibilities. Everything that happens now is dependent on my attitude.

I have to put a positive spin on this.

This is not something to bemoan. This is good for me. I have to see it that way. My husband is clearly getting out of my way, in order for me to be the person that I need to be. Didn't I say that I want my life to be about Art and to show all over the world and to travel. I know that if I were doing these things with him in my life, he would be home for all of it. Not interested in being part of my world anyway.
I am hurt because i really wanted to enjoy my child and our lives together, but he doesn't want that. I cannot force him to want what I want.


The point is, why do I feel that he was supporting me when he really wasn't anyway? He doesn't provide financial support, far less emotional support. Who is to say that he is wrong with this decision. It may be the best thing that ever happened to me. If I let it.

breathe out

Today before I write, I have to breathe out. The letter stating divorce came today. It was not a formal letter, it was just my husband saying that our plans are such that I should know that this is the expected outcome. What I do not understand is why he hasn't done anything about it as yet? he keeps saying that it is because of our daughter. But this isn't the case? He has access to her, and I am not getting up in arms about his mother taking care of her while I am here.
He is determined, as though his life depends on it, to divorce. His reasoning is so bizzare that I have had dificulty believing it. He sites my mother's involvement in our lives and my not having our child in Canada. Whenever I hear his reasons, I cringe at how absurd and childish they sound.
So, you want a divorce, you still love me, and you will never keep me from my child, oh, and o, yes, you will always take care of her.

This sounds like someone trying to run away from their life!
Of cause you'll always take financial care of her, the law will insist!
I am mad at him because I felt this way before we had a baby. But no, he felt everything was fine! Then when we did have her, I saw the importance of working at what we had.
So yes, I am very mad at him for deciding this now.
I feel cheated and let down and frankly, I hate what he is doing now.

I have left my child, left a good job and my home and he provides nothing, not a thing.

I am glad to come to this diary today, to be able to see on this electronic screen, what I have to do.

All of the time over the last year, I have hoped that he would somehow see that his decision is not good for us. But he has decided, and he will not change his mind.

The fault has been mine. I wanted to work it out. I can see that divorce isn't good for a child. I can see that being in a new country won't change the issues that he claims are a problem? But he is determined to do this.



Ok,
I have to move forward now. What am I going to do?
DO I stay in Canada, or do I get my life on track as it was before all of this became clear? Let me look at this reasonably.

I was awarded a scholarship to study in Italy and postponed it. That course is one year long.
I also applied to a school in France, where the semester is flexible. That programme is several months long.
I have to honor my being in Canada for a little under two years or I shall lose my residency.
What should I do?

I am in Canada now and I have been looking for a job for the last two months. I have to return home to see about my pension money that will help me afford to live with my child in Canada.
My husband has not been able to save a cent since I have been here, so next year, I am unlikely to see any financial support for our daughter, despite all that he is saying to me.

I will be a divorced, immigrant with a child under two years of age.

WAW!

I am not the first to have this experience. What are my odds, and what are my advantages?

If I go home and stay until the papers come through for our daughter, then my mother in law can choose to return to Canada with us, or I can ask her to come up when I have a place to stay.
Now, returning with my daughter and having no job, puts me at odds with her care, so leaving her with my in-law is not a bad idea. It is only that it is hard to do, anyway you look at it. I am now doing it from the standpoint of being single and having to work and look after my child alone. I will have to look at that reality sooner or later anyway, because my husband is determined to proceed as he is, so I cannot rely on him at all.

The advantage is that I am resourceful, I am positive, I am creative and my family have been very supportive here.

I feel like crying.

This was not supposed to go like this! I still love my husband, I feel so hurt!

I am here and I am trying to make the best of the situation, and everything I am doing is a compromise. This Canada thing was his dream. Even having a child was his dream.
How am I going to get past being so emotional?
When are things going to get better for me?

Today's Word - STEADFAST

This evening I got two emails from my husband. One was a thank you for sending him a happy birthday greeting. The other was a big hysterical rant about what my ticket says. He practically threatens me, telling me that our child cannot not be with his mother.
If I did not have the experience of today with the client and then that wonderful letter in response to my thank you from the lawyer who gave me the information about immigration, I would be inclined to be more upset.

Instead I plan to continue to be steadfast. In fact, my cousin and I discussed some great business ideas today, and I prefer to focus on that.

The Daily Word for today cheers me on.

"My God inspired intuition draws good to me and excellence from me."

Perception can be more than simply someone's idea of what is true. In its purest form, perception is an inner knowing of the truth. From my God-inspired intuition , I have a consciousness of love and peace, of life and prosperity that, like a magnet, draws good to me and excellence from me.
Any misconceptions of me do not limit me. My age does not restrict me from excelling in the areas and activities that bring me fullfilment. I give and receive when and where I can contribute something of value.
Even my perceptions of yesterday are all out of date. Each day I am becoming a more experienced and intelligent person than I was the day before.

Now isn't that better than what I may have done in the past, second guessed myself, felt afraid to stand for my principles over upsetting the 'grown up' or thinking that i need to see it from that person's perspective more than from my own opinion.
What a freeing experience this has been.

The Internet was off for a few days, and I concluded that it was for the best. it allowed me to write some things offline that i had planned to post here, but now, I feel no need to do so at the moment.
Instead I prefer to talk about other things for the day. My husband's birthday for one. I called, but got the answering machine, so I left a message and shall call him again later. He hates a big deal to be made about it, and I don't plan to make one anyway, just to tell him happy birthday.
I stood up for myself today. The client, who'se book I am doing got rude with me on the phone and I had to tell him off. I refused to allow him to speak to me any way he felt he could. I was doing my best to accommedate the man and he said that he didn't plan on talking to me again, as though I had done him something, so I had to interject, tell him I found his comments rude and uncalled for and that I would not put up with him speaking to me that way, and good day, sir! I hung up. It has been a strange experience. I know that he has never done such work before and that he is sensitve to have it finished at a certain time. I am mindful of all of his concerns, but he seemed to take my good nature and try to trample on it, and it was then that I put my foot down.

I have to say that i am surprised that I am not feeling as I would in the past, worried, shaking with the thought that I did something out of my comfort zone and may be 'in trouble." in this instance, I did what was necessary. The book is complete, i am pleased with what I have accomplished and that is that.

Sad Day

My Aunt's best friend's son has died. I never met him, but I would ask about him whenever I spoke to my aunt, and I asked about him only two weeks ago. This friend of my aunt was divorsed. Also a nurse, she brought up her son in Trinidad and in Canada, worrying as all mothers do about her only child. He was very smart and was able to move from one country to the other on full scholarship. He had just graduated from Moorhouse College and she was afraid for him, because he inlisted in the Army, but was able to avoid the frontline because of a clause about single children.
He called her every week, and this week she did not hear from him as usual. She called her ex-husband and told him that she was worried that he had not called. She called him in North Carolina, to hear word from his roommate, that he had discovered him, dead.
This is so surreal!
He was just twenty-seven.
.......................................................

When something like this happens, you question why! It makes no sense at all.
He showed so much promise. He worked hard, he was outstanding as a student. He was focused, and wanted to get his life in order before getting serious with a girl. he was the sort of person who was just upstanding.
The whole household is in shock and grief over this situation.
I want to write more about this, but we need a moment to process this, to see what we can understand from this whole thing.

Try it for a week

From Sunday to Sunday

I am going to focus on positive feelings regarding my husband, my Art, getting work and all of the other things that are causing me concern.

On my way home tonight, my mind was racing in the same way that it had on my way to my classes. I was practically grumbling with myself. Going over in my mind all that has happened in the last two years. At one point I had to chastize myself because I didn't want it to distract me from my work. It was not until I rounded the bend to Brimley Road that some reason kicked in.
I heard myself finally think, if you want to live the way that you want to, then you have to feel it spiritually inside, and by spiritualy, I mean positively.
In the past you somehow thought that what happens to you is somehow outside of you, and thus, you have very little control over it. But what I am saying to you is that, if you want the things that are bothering you to work out for the better, you have to confront them as the illusions that they are and know that you treat them from that spiritual centre.
So, you cannot say, you want this or that to be better, and then act the same way. Your expectations must be in keeping with the change that you seek.

Look at it practically. In other areas of your life, if you want to do well at a task, you put positive thought into it, and it succeeds. The same applies with your life.

So, if it is about getting love, you must be loving, and so on.
Do not be loving to get love. No, be loving because that is the way. It ultimately isn't about the other person, but about an imbalance in myself that is the issue. To do it for someone else is not the way.

The kingdom of heaven is literally within you.

rejection

I have to admit that I am afraid of something.
I started this diary, not so privately because although what I want to write is very personal, I want to dispel the fear of letting things overwhelm me and prevent me from moving forward. In a manual diary, it is easy to hold back. So I decided a great way to deal with that was to bring ny worries out in the open and look at them objectively. Every post has some hesitation because after all, I am hideing in plain sight as it were.

I fear rejection. I fear reaching out to the one person I want to reach out to because I have disappointed them, and they are unable to let me in at this time.

I know that all I can realistically do is to give the issue time. I cannot allow my ego to overwhelm me. All that I succeed in doing is causing the person to retreat.
I know that I would do the same in their position, because I was in their position many months before the tables turned. They turned so suddenly and to me, so severly that I am still reeling from the effects.
Much of the time I feel that it is hopeless, and they give very, very little indication otherwise, and I am now too scared to broach the subject.
I am afraid that I am going to hear all that I fear the most.
Although I have heard it already.
i have heard it, and I did not die.
I was crushed.
I am still wounded, and it is that wounding that makes me timid.
To me I have been on a very twisty rollercoaster ride, made more obvious by all the happy, loving people I glance at in the street who seem to be coming toward me and passing me breezily by.
I give a wry smile when I see that because I realise that that is something that I grieve about in my heart and so, I am aware of it, and attract its gaze.
I even have the foresight to say in my mind that isn't it lovely.

Love, is lovely, and I will feel its touch again.

I am feeling very lonely. There is alot that I miss. I am grieving.

Having to wait and see with no way of knowing what to expect, and hoping that the result can be the start of something better and stronger is stressful.
I use the time to work on myself and to really look within me to see whether I want what I want genuinely or because I see things only in one way, and I do not want to change.

This situation has made me feel so inelegant, so ragged emotionally, and I really shouldn't be writing when tired, but I just wanted to put down here, that I am afraid of something and I must stare it down and break it.
That I know for sure.

Anything you focus on you attract

Or at least that is how I am feeling about negative things at the moment. My husband just called me, and we talked about my trip and his belief about how I should approach it.
I realised that I felt uncomfortable talking to him. I had my back up because we seem to not be able to see eye to eye and we quarrel so much that although the call was important, I could not relax.
So much has happened to us that I have to admit, I find it hard to do better than I do. Although I countered everything he reacted to with my own volleys.
I suppose what bothers me most is the old 'us'. We always said 'I miss you' and 'I love you.' No matter what. Or at least that used to make all of the quarreling less stressful. Now, so many rapid changes have strained us, or at least I feel strained. He keeps his feelings to himself. Or I don't enquire about them really.

I know that in order for things to feel better, it starts with me feeling better. And I know that tonight I had been so busy today that my energy is very low and any conversation that could have led to disagreement would have been a disaster, so the fact that our conversation was pleasent although we spoke of emotional stuff, was actually a good sign.

WIll he be willing to make further efforts? Will I be willing?

We shall have to meet each other half way.

Discovery

I realised today the things that bother me about my relationship with my husband are the same things that bother him about me. Of late I have begun to believe that we are the same person.
Not only that, I am also his parents and he is mine! Shocking isn't it.
Ultimately I am actually alone looking at the refractions of my many selves masquerading as other people.

I realised that acutely today, but didn't have time, as I never seem to, to jot it down.
I have thought about it over the last several months as a fact, but the truth of it surfaced today.
Now it is possible that I have manifested the belief as true in order to be right. That is a huge possibility as well.

This realisation came about during my new pattern of not shrugging off things that seem unpleasant or scary to do.(One of the reasons for this is because of late, everything has seemed confrontational and scary) But taking up the challenge right away. I have been doing this for some time, or else I couldn't be able to do it so regularly now. But it is new in the sense that now, when I feel pressure, like the issues with the book that I am doing, or my husband's expectations on a trip I have to take, I have stopped dragging my feet about deciding later.
I decide now.
I used to find that difficult to do. I used to want to think it over and over again and feel comfortable in the decision.
I used to weigh it all up and weigh it again, hoping that not only I but moreso , the other person was not being inconvenienced by my decision.

Yes, that was me, ALOT.

My new attitude comes from being here on my own.

A trusting of myself has made me feel alot better about my decisions for myself.

Another realisation is that I stand in acceptance that my decision could be met negatively, and yet I am able to know that it is not the end of the world. But a moment.
That desire to be perfect (and I never am) is no longer appealing. I prefer to feel comfortable in my own skin.

More on the refracted light in another post.

Tired, in a good way

I spent a long time on my home work for my class today. This week I decided that I would structure my week as follows, at least one day to focus on my homework assignment and readings, one day to do my art and the rest of the week to focus on resume and job hunting, with a few distractions thrown in, like going to the library. I find that the time speeds up, and I feel as though I have not done remotely enough! I am always amazed in particular at how fast the morning goes. I wake up decadently late at 7:30! I confess.
Of late I find myself awake at around three, but am loathe to get up and work at that time because I don't want to be walking dead on my feet during the day. I am getting into a routine nonetheless.

Starting the day with a reading of my sign and my husband's is an eerily accurate one.

Mine

"Every argument has a counter argument. What is right for one person is wrong for another. To get around your impasse of indecision, you need less reasoning and more intuition. This will save you hours of anxious cerebral activity."

His

" A certain situation seems hopeless only because you're viewing it from the wrong angle. Keep shifting your position until you find something positive in it. With a little wit and some skill, you'll find the resources to change the current picture."


We are at cross purposes about the next few months. I don't want to go back and return without our baby, and he thinks that I shouldn't bring her until things work out for his mother to be here.
It sounds really neat on paper. But the reality is that I will have been away from my little one for two months very soon, and I cannot stand it!
He admitted to my uncle (he didn't even want to talk to me, he was so mad when he called) that he hasn't been seeing the baby enough and that he misses her. So why is it that he can't think, "Hey, I miss her when I am away from her for a day or two, I can't imagine how her mother feels! It must be very hard for her too. I have to understand that."
Our situation is so stressful that I have concluded that I need to look at it differently. To do so, I have to detatch myself from some of my habits. One of them is my tendency to 'react' to his actions.
The second is to feel somehow 'affronted'.
The third is to remain in 'frozen' angry mode and 'affronted'.
The fourth is to act 'emotioinally'.
I am very good at doing that. It gets me nowhere other than feeling weak and angry, and looking to him to clear up the misunderstanding.

Last night I did something completely counter to my usual responses. I read a book and I refused to revisit the predictable responses of such an issue. After all, I have heard them all before. I know where they can lead. I know every nuance of the argument backward and forward.

My uncle sat and spoke with me about my husband's feelings, and as an outsider with similar experiences, he was able to help with suggestions. I was very greatful for his opinion. It helped take a big chunk of the edge off of the issues at hand.

When I closed my eyes and settled in to bed, I was remarkably calmer, and this morning, although there is still alot to resolve, I don't feel frightened or anxious.
I am not the only person who has faced such decisions. Everything is dependant on my attitude to the thing. Success is dependent on my ability to transcend these moments and to know most importantly that I am not seeing the bigger picture.
That is what came to me last night. Yes, I have thought about what I want to do, how I want to live and what I would like Aurora to be able to do and to be in years to come. But I am not the holder of the "big Picture", I am but the holder of 'part'.
Being pregnant taught me that.
There is something mystical and bigger than I am in the world. Something on which my 'faith' is a part. It doesn't mean that I should just give up all of my plans and just let the tide push me along. What it means is that ever so often, remember that pushing and forcing is not the way. We think that we know. We know nothing.
I am so overplayed with these circumstances, looking at them until my eyes feel bruised. It is time to remember that I am not the holder. Bigger, better, elegant is what the 'big Picture' holds. I must have the confidence and the faith to know that my family and I shall be given care.
I experienced the sublime last night as I closed my eyes and that came to me. I recalled the struggle with being pregnant, the emotional wrangling and deep seated worry I experienced. I had to let go. I never really did until my little one came to me and placed her tiny hand forward to greet me when we first looked at each other. Ever since, I have had no doublt about how right she is.
It is that sort of faith that I need now for this life that we are going forward with together.
Right now my husband and I are looking at a huge picture with most of it covered and appearing blank. I see one tiny corner and say that I see a mountain, he looks at another tiny corner and says that he sees a hairy stump. The picture is something glorious if we have the faith to leave our assumptions while uncovering the canvas.