down the rabbit hole

One of the big things I tackled this year was listening to my gut against my logic and also observing what motivates my actions at times. I also am curious about the way I have a tendency to have two strong opposing points of view that I play on a loop until I wear myself out, solving nothing in the process. What has helped with that attitude though is that I can see how I struggle with a decision that has no clear benefit to me. What should I do? I would ask myself. The element of risk pulling and pushing me. Eventually I conclude that nothing ventured, nothing gained....until I face the challenge again. It is clear that I want a certain outcome based on a win/win situation for me. The grappling is with my logic and ego. I think that I have come to realize that I am actually watching a boxing match between two parts of my personality that I consider very highly. Lol. How do I handle a rift between what I desire and my choice to be risk averse? Now that I know what it is, I see that I have the opportunity to look at what I desire and then ask myself do I actually want it? If my answers are excuses as to why I do not want to venture , then I know that my ego is firmly in place. If I push past my ego, I usually experience relief, whether I get what I want or not. My ego is fortress (like) in relation to my swirl of thoughts.I admit that it has served me well in the past. But now its stuborness has got me wondering about its build. I have also found that while I am going on and on in my mind about what I should and should not do...want and do not want....the world turns. My reality keeps me back as much as it propels me forward. All of the choices to be made add up or do not add up. I am forever sifting and weighing the best outcome. Yet, the best outcome is actually a farce when I really think about it. it is an illusion about control. Things can slip out of your carefully structured plans in an instant. Yet, plod on we all must in the end. The spookiest part too is that no matter what you think of anyone...it's always yourself you reflect in the end.

At the end of the year it is inevitable that I get introspective. This year was a bit of a rollercoaster. My father's health was a very large issue and then I had my own emotional tumult. They crowned 2018. However, there were also other milestones that I consider now as forms of wisdom. The year raced by. I have so much to complete and to begin. There is much to look forward to. I am grateful for everything I have experienced. I move to the new year full of expectations and awareness that the unknown will be met with my best efforts.

yes, I know and Its new to me again

Yesterday it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I am keeping my good back. I am preventing myself from having the life that I say I want. What brought this cold reality home? A series of things...observing the successes of a few people around me, and my attitude about helping others in every way that I can. The way I talk to myself for example, I would not do that to anyone. The way that I lament certain things that I should do in my life...but if someone came and had my reservations, I would provide the energy and optimism to tell them to reach for their dreams. What is bothering me specifically is how close I always am to what I desire. I say that I want to start businesses that I can then either sell off to others or have others run. I say that I love to travel. I say that I desire romance in my life. This year I spent a great deal of time thinking about how to get these things done. If I were giving advice to someone not myself, I would have done the needful. Just a few days ago, I was looking at one of my many lists of things that I have to accomplish, and I noticed that I have a tendency to put the serious things I need to do for myself, last. One of them in renewing my drivers license. I have not done it in three years!!!!! I never used to do that. I always renewed it when it came due. I am oversimplifying a bit however. I have bills that come due and a salary that is erratic. But still, I have desires to do certain things, and I must get to doing the things that I desire to do and to stop putting myself last.

human frailty

Everything always comes down to how I see myself. I know this, and I am working more than ever to understand my moods. I check in with myself, what I am feeling and thinking. Why I am up and then down at times. I am trying to come to grips with my world and what I want within it. Ever so often I am thrown off by how much I still carry hurts, slights and disappointments in my past. I vicariously live through the experiences of others. This includes watching movies, reading online, you name it. I am stationary at home, not having the life I am attracted to. Wondering, who am I now? Sometimes I don't recognize myself. It must be age. Suddenly I'm conservative sometimes, and its mostly about what I can and cannot afford. If I had the money, I wouldn't even blink about what I would be doing. I miss my friends who have passed away. I miss my old relationships. I know that I am on a new path,and that has its optimism based on the new. But somehow I am melancholy too. I feel tired sometimes. I wonder what to think next to propel me into a place where everything will feel good again. I get mad at myself. How much more of my brooding can I take? I live in my head so much. Thank god that I do so many things or else I probably would be even worse. But then, there are times when I am so up, so confident, so thankful, so appreciative of just breathing in air.

and the winner is...

The contrast between what I last wrote and where I am now is like night and day. I have made a decision about my husband as I affectionately called him. Interestingly, the name does not smart when I write it. That is saying something. I have spent over a year with him in my every thought. He affected me profoundly. I cannot assume that I did the same. I have waited with great patience to see where everything could lead, and I now conclude that I am the one who has had their hopes dashed. I put on my big girl panties as the saying goes, and I am walking away. I do it with sadness, no doubt about it. But when my mind tells me that I am the one making the effort, and i am the one wanting to believe something with no evidence to the contrary, I feel uncomfortable about it. Whatever it is that I thought, or that I was lead to believe, I am now here. I still hold him in my heart. My damn feelings have not gone away. However, I also feel that staying in limbo would do me a great dis-service. I believe that their is better and better ahead for me, whether he finds his way back or we never speak again. He represents an important time in my life, where I thought I could not love again. I thank him and I also thank myself for the stance that I am making now. I love this person writing this entry. I am pleased with her strength, resilience and spirit.

and then you blink

When I woke up this morning I made an agreement with myself to not let anything or anyone rob me of my happiness. I have been a tiny bit challenged the last few days by nothing in particular. But enough to make the pledge. I have amidst all of that decided to re-Christen juliemangoman to a name I prefer, my husband. Yep, I am calling him that from now on. I think that it suits him. Analysis at a much later date...meanwhile, I have some thinking to do about my career and my future plans. I just feel less than satisfied with everything I am doing at the moment. I know that this is because I have not had any particular achievement and feel that everyone around me happens to be doing their thing. But as I write, I realize that what I really need a studio. I need a place to work, and I am not sure where that can be. However, my colleague and I are meeting today and we are going to be talking about an alternative to what we are both doing now, so already I feel better. Also, I am going to do the business. I am not certain when I shall start it officially. I have quite a few details to work out. But bet your bottom dollar, I am going to make it happen. Again...that energizes me....my book and the other two that I am to do, November is fast approaching, so I have to take a good look at where I am with that and plot on. That makes me feel good too. I am supposed to go to New York for Christmas, but if I don't I think it may be interesting to go somewhere else...I have not thought about that until now. But it may suit me to consider somewhere closer to home. I was admiring people I know who are making their lives dynamic. Sometimes I feel as though I am a total bore. What am I not doing for myself that I want to be experiencing? The list has not changed. But my attitude has. I think that in the months ahead I must work on the large projects that I set for myself. I shall continue this train of thought offline and get back here when more concrete things insue.

readymade

A friend was telling me about the outcome of a relationship that he thought he was having with someone I also know. I know that she would not be into him in any way other than a friend. But he took it to another level. What was interesting is that the way he discussed her with me, I saw something similar in my issue with the Spartan. We speak online every day, because he contacts me...notice how I wrote that, sounding like he is at fault. The point to me is that here I am on the one hand wishing that I had regular communication with juliemangoman...although when I did have it, I felt uncomfortable and pushed it away. Now, this person who I do not have feelings for, wants to contact me every day and night...way in excess of my need to communicate, and I feel the obvious irony and worry that it is happening to show me something...like...gasp...maybe I am getting what I give? This is actually typical Catholic guilt. I am always looking for meaning, so I see the irony, and these things happen. I have not led on the Spartan on any level. Nor am I having any romantic entanglement with him. I made it very clear that I am interested in someone else. It's just how unfortunate it feels. I know that I speak with him because we are in similar fields, so I find him interesting. But the very thought that I feel as I do and I can hurt his feelings at the end of the day, bothers me. I would not like what I see as having a friend to be misconstued for something more. (Put this way, and writing here...this is why I love writing as I do...it helps me with s many things.) One issue does not beget the other. I have gone on what I was told and actions with juliemangoman. Right now, the ball is not in my court, but it doesn't mean that I am off the field. Lol. However, I am also focusing on minding my own business. I am very occupied. I know that he shall be making some appearances on this blog, and there shall be so much more to explore.

flashing lights

Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire. — Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code ................................... The thought that I may not be the only one in contemplation about what could have been is a small comfort to me. I have other things to concern myself about, and I would be a fraud if I do not admit that I still care about juliemangoman. When someone moves you that is no small thing. I was not looking out, or expecting the rush of emotions that came my way and I am still affected by it. I have not known what to do with myself. So much so that I have decided to stop even trying to deny that I still like him. I do. I liked the way we were when we were together. I have never felt such a sense of peace with someone I know so little about. Everyone else I took years to cultivate friendship. This was completely different. Who knows what the future holds? I am glad that I can still think about the things that I want to do and set out to do them. The path isn’t a straight line; it’s a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths. — Barry H. Gillespie

wider awake

I wrote so late into the night that half of what I wanted to put across got washed up in tiredness. Tonight I learn from yesterday, so I am setting out hours before so that all that raced through my mind, I can corral here. For the first time since I got divorced, I am finally feeling a sense of things coming together. The way that that makes me feel, I cannot begin to explain the relief. But what is even better is the fact that with the feeling comes a sense of possibilities that only this seems to have been able to put into place. I will not question this, I am just grateful. I would also state that all of the things that I am juggling is helpful as well, because as I have so many things to do, I focus much more narrowly, and so, in doing that, I have consolidated my thinking to bursts of concentrated thought on the topic at hand. Then on the next topic at hand and so on. No longer is my mind stalled on things like how or but. It took a long time to get here and I can see the horizon, knowing that whatever direction I go in, I am going with the knowledge that I am there for myself from a position of strength in me. That is a waw factor. So many times I have been here and wobbly. So many times, so many...I meant well and then waited for the crash to come. Now I know that crash or not, survival will happen and better will come because I am prepared. Then, I have other matters that I am dealing with, where my personal projects are concerned and I am working on those too. I am excited to see where they are leading me. Again, not caught up with the issues that plague me where they are concerned. Last night I read somewhere a quote that talks about things going around in circles when lessons are learned. That resonated with me, because I certainly have felt that way at times. It seems that it is not happening to just me, but it is a universal law and that law is set to make you learn the deepest truths from the experience. But then, I was talking with my sister a few moments ago and she told me that the two people from her past who meant so much to her, she has had to cut them both off. The one she came home twice to see called her and wanted her to talk like old times. The other one tells her that she wants too much and he cannot give it. Both situations are laughable! When I think of her and I think of who both of the people are, I shake my head. I cannot wait for the day that the person meant for her arrives. She is fine on her own, but a real genuine love is something that she would thrive with, and when that person arrives, she shall not even remember that she ever spent the time she has trying to convince people to do and be better. It is a hell of a thing when people come into your life and are not ready. Why they come is beyond me? Perhaps we are a place for them to catch their breath and to see what is really possible. My sister did meet someone amazing and messed it up. She admitted it. I think that the least they should do is just communicate their fears. Admit how they felt, instead of saying nothing and running away. When that happens you always think that something was wrong with yourself. or your actions. It is only after a great deal of soul searching that your ego lets go a bit and you can see that it usually has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. But its still hard, because feelings are involved. It was her conversation actually that shifted my own thinking about juliemangoman...I have not given any thought to the possibility that he and I found the other in the same mental space. As much as I was rushed and doubtful...he was pressed for time and doubtful in his life as well and more like my ex than I care to admit! Why does this matter? It does because it makes more sense to me that I am not the only one affected, although this is still speculative. The question is why do I need to learn this now? I would say off the blush that with my ex, I wanted to see if our relationship could be rekindled and at the end I saw that it was not for me. With this experience, I learned that it sometimes takes very little for someone to be in your life to make a huge impact. I have always felt that I have done that, but now, it was done to me and I am the one awed by it. It showed me a lot about myself. I did not realize how closed off I can be, or how much I shut down my own desires. This last situation pointed a spotlight on me.

whether or not

It has been raining for the last two days almost constantly. For all the people who live in difficult places and flood zones, my thoughts are with them. The video footage on Facebook show a tough situation for drivers recording what they see. I have been fortunate. I didn't have to work today,so I could avoid the stress of traveling in it. What today did for me is allow me to have an actual holiday. I spent it online and basically vegging out. I did do some work, and of course I also did a lot of thinking. I find that I am mellow tonight. I can think without stressing about things and I want to take advantage of that. I also like that I can spend a bit of time from project to project instead of feeling that I must complete something right away when I have many things to do at the same time. I now get much more done. Work has also prepared me for this way of doing things, as I have to make every moment count. I meet with a colleague next week to discuss an alternative to what I am doing now. I am excited about that. We compare notes sometime and it helps me feel less stressed knowing that foolishness isn't only happening to me. Then, I also think about The Towers intermittently. I have told only one person who knew him about what has happened with him. I do not feel that it is my place to alert anyone to what has gone on. Interestingly enough, no one has seemed to have picked up on what he did in the news BUT his friend and I! That is quite amazing, or it speaks to how much sensationalism tops him at this particular moment. I believe that it is possibly the latter. The Towers leads to other thoughts as well. On a rainy day like this, my mind is expected to wonder over him. But tonight I am more neutral. Or I should say, wistful, and for that, I am grateful.

we do it on (pur)pose

My friend met a foreigner who lives here. They went out for a few weeks when he told her that he needed papers to stay. She agreed to marry him as they were dating. It is now a year and a half, and she has been telling me from the start of his behavior that I find a bit difficult to take. This is the fifth man she has seen in a decade who refuses to do the simple things she gets into relationships to do. Actually, this is the latest person who continues to ignore that she should be able to do things that any normal relationship entails...meaning, going for drives, going to dinner,going to movies, going out for a long weekend to a bed and breakfast, traveling together, things like that. However, whatever the men have wanted, she has bent over backward and then up into a pretzel to accommodate. This dismays me no end and I always bring it to her attention, because this is a person who is very calculating and focuses on what she can get out of any situation, so the results in her relationships amaze me. She treats men very differently than she treats women. That is clear. What I am observing and am learning from, is the way that she set this last relationship up. It is a guide to how we all get or do not get what we want. She spoke to me a long time about the decision to help him by marrying him. Nothing happening with her now is a shock. But she chooses to see it that way. From the start he set a pattern, one that she shrugged off as just part of his quirky character. To me, you cannot suddenly complain about the very things that you complemented or accepted, but we all do this anyway. We choose a person, or a job and then from there there is a bit of 'coasting' that we all go through. What i mean is that somehow I think that we believe that whatever we choose to do, we are expecting that we do not have to work on ourselves as we evolve within the framework of whatever the thing is that we are investing our lives in. We want the 'thing' to somehow make us more comfortable or happy, and we do not observe that our unhappiness or our anxieties come from our expectations and our way of changing what we see to please our immediate needs. We are always testing the waters, always making choices and naming feelings and meaning. The blaming the other within that action is the crazy part, it is also the most typical part. My friend is seeing everything as 'happening to her' she is not and never seeing her role in the matter. I think that by her talking to me, she has shown me very urgently a habit in behavior to check within myself too. I take my own behavior with juliemangoman. I was oversaturated with emotions and could not really inoculate myself against the barrage of feelings. I remember thinking that it was going way too fast, but I didn't want that to put us off. I liked the excitement of the rush of feelings. I placed a great deal of meaning onto what was happening to me. I had no idea what he was feeling or doing. I could only speculate. I had my feelings, my insecurities and past history as a guide to helping me heap huge swaths of insecurity upon me. Then I had my hope and wanting to believe that it could be more...so there is the past, where I am comfortable with the known, struggling against the future that is ephemeral and hard to mold when it is being rushed. All of that is sitting against the fabric of reality. Cold, hard facts that are hiding in plain sight. You are left with the opportunity to pick your own basket of meaning from it all.

looking ahead

Working on my own project really did wonders for my attitude this week. At one point I got a call from a friend who is going through a great deal with her boyfriend. More on that in awhile. For myself, I had a few low moments where I despared about my direction. I was able to quickly assess my emotions and from that, my goals and get back on track. But then, I got some calls from people, as stated above and I saw how my good feelings seemed to be sought out by them. I listened to these people with their issues, but I limited how much time and how much energy I would funnel their way. One of the things capturing my interest right now is the gulf between feeling that I cannot accomplish what I set out to do against the backdrop of seeing no way forward. I have been in that position several times. For example, I want to create a business. I do all that I can to set things up, and the last thing I may need is money to purchase things. I look around and find that not only do I not have the money, the money I was promised from jobs I have completed, I am being given the run around to collect. That stalls my dreams and goals. When I finally do get the money, I am faced with repaying soft loans taken from family just to go to work...and re-paying other debts. That always leaves me dismayed and really despondent about my efforts and future. Usually, this leaves me in a deep funk, and I literally find that I have to climb out of it as though it were the trenches in a war zone. Recently, I have been observing this, and I have begun to ask myself, how can I look at everything that I am experiencing as both learning and also asset to me. I have found men interested in me as I am striving to make my businesses happen. The lat time, I specifically said that I was too busy to start anything with anyone. To me, the conclusion was that I was left bereft in love and in business when I accepted the person's charms. One had nothing to do with the other though. It just felt as though I had failed spectacularly in every aspect of my life that I make decisions on. Now, I am seeing that I should not have such dramatic views of things. If I were investing in these things without any emotional attatchment, I would not be so keen to label everything a failure. i would instead be looking at how I could still advance despite the perceived setbacks, because advancement is inevitable. I cannot stay in one place anyway. I see that as a very good thing. I see the fact that I am single also as a very good thing, after all, my advancement is personal to me, whether someone joins my life with me or not. I am responsible for myself. There is advantage in being able to sit with myself and see possibilities. If I could not see that, I think that that would be truly tragic. Also, I think about The Towers. The nickname I gave him now chills me a little. I was dead on with that one. He can make no strategic moves now. Where is his money now? Has he accomplished what he wanted to do? What now? Then, I mentioned my friend....it seems that she is in a really emotionally interesting place, and I am going to write about this in another post as this one is getting long...I noticed some things that are important to recount. So, I did all of that soul searching and I am feeling much better about the way things are going, and I am confident that although emotions are so strong and so challenging, the most important thing I have learned is that I will not fall apart so badly that I cannot rise again.

it is very clear

Being faced again with something that keeps happening to me, I am uber aware this year that hardship felt must be confronted head on using the opposite tactics to what anyone would be inclined to do. It is easy to get angry, upset and despondent right away, and that is natural and allowed. However, what comes next is the will to completely accept it as happening for a reason. That is harder to do, but do, one must. It is even harder to believe that the rejection is occuring to take you in the direction that you are meant to go in. At this time the doubt is acute. Here is the place where I want to dig in my heels and not budge. Here is where like a toddler, I want to throw a tantrum, after all,I have geared up for the experience,I have worked toward this point. I cannot see any other way and I don't want to. To have to give up whatever it is means to have to start all over again, and the thought of having to do so feels deeply painful and even worse, I easily believe that when I start again, the failure will feel the same...and guess what, the failure does feel the same and then some. I don't want to learn that way. I feel humiliated. I feel like a loser. I wonder whether the fates are watching me and laughing at my efforts. I see no end in sight and I feel like I can't achieve anything ever again. I remember when I was a child in school, if I was not great at something there was no middle ground. I was not good if I was not great. No amount of effort felt like I was achieving anything. It was not until I was an adult and going to the gym that I saw the result of physical effort. Right now, I am in those feelings again. I was promised a promotion. I was promised so many things that seemed to be leading up to a brand new horizon. Now, it has evaporated as surely as it was promised. No explanation given. What is made worse is the fact that to add insult, the financial impact sets me off to zero. That is always the shock. How the fuck am I supposed to put one foot in front of the other when the very way to do so cuts off my path because of one person making yet again, so arbitrary a decision as to whether I succeed or fail? I try to have a good attitude about it, but it is extremely hard to do so when bills stare me in the face and the way to pay them is just as always, a stall, and no one cares. I have had this happen over and over again. Obviously I need to leave this bad job where this keeps happening. But as I stated before the irony is that I need the money from this job to make the things I want to do, happen. Fate seems to be telling me that money is not an issue, thats why I keep not having any. Yet, when I work at things without the money, I STILL do not see the results. To me it is a fail/fail situation. Living with constant failure hurts. Particularly when everyone around me isn't living that way, and I know that they are not because they have cars, jobs, relationships and do whatever they want to do with their time. I am not at liberty to be able to arbitrarily decide to go out...everything costs money to do. Everything. I am disheartened. I feel really alone with my pain. I want to do something to turn things around. I am doing things, but the money remains illusive to me. I have to wait, and the waiting is endless. While I wait, I bring confidence and assurance to others through the work that I do. Then I return home and I wait some more. I hope that I am remembered, that my time indeed will come. It is a sad wait. I can smile at the sound of the birds chirping, and I can be satisfied that I can sit on my bed and write in this computer on this site. I am mindful of the lives of others, both better and more challenged than mine. However, I am in mine and in mind. What can I do? I am here again at the same juncture. All I know is that my path is once again blocked. ...and ha.ha.ha. a transformer just blew up, so all of this writing may be lost...how ridiculous is that on top of everything else?....why is it that there is so much comfort in expecting the very worse? The worse seems so predictable that it seems like stability. Anything that can go well is expected to end in failure. Expect it. It's how it is. Don't feel happy, failure is without question on its way any minute now. Funny enough, believing that failure is o its way makes me slightly confident that success is mixed in with failure, that failure is going to allow me one or two glimmers of hope as it rampages through my devastated emotional state. Perhaps there is actually where I should look. Seeing light amidst damage, I can see that ALL is illusion. Happy or sad. I am the observer and I can choose what I want to do next.

light bulb moment

A few days ago I was sitting in a taxi taking the scenic route out of the valley because of the bridge reconstruction. I have been traveling like this for about three months, so, I have become used to looking at certain things and searching out other details every day. In so doing, I had a moment when I thought of juliemangoman and tried to stop the rush of feelings that came to me right away. Then something clicked for me. I named what I was feeling as longing or desire...and bam, I realized that when I am thinking, as I am now on better things, things I want to experience instead of the things that keep me back, I may be putting out such feelings instead of those of already having the experience. This is probably why I get more of the so close but yet so far results. That may be a stretch, but I think that the next time I make a decision about what I should be experiencing, I need to take my emotional temperature. ........ So, what should acceptance and already having what I desire feel like? I can answer that by stating what it isn't. It isn't feeling anxious. It isn't doubt. It's acceptance. It's calm. It's quiet. It is knowing that its there. That's what I have to build on, and the illusion has proven difficult because of all of the distractions that creep up. But now that I have alerted myself to what I feel, I am going to give this awareness a shot.

What has happened, as I expected, has been such a big shock to me that I know that I shall tack back again and again. But one of the things coming to mind tonight is the first time we actually went out. He didn't eat anything and when the bill came, I paid because his card was declined. At the time I remember thinking that that was embarrassing and unfortunate. From then on I think that that situation cemented the way things would go. I am despondent. I want to shout to the heavens, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!! I mind my own business, I keep to myself. I speak with you online for years. Or I know you for years....or I meet you again after years....some weirdness insues. Not the fraud, but one type of fraud or the other. Your married, your separated, your divorcing or your looking for a woman to marry. I know that I am not the only woman going through challenges with men, but Jeezan ages man!There is a joke that says it can turn a woman into a Lesbian. But being with another woman will not suddenly make wack behaviour go away. The Lesbians I know are no happier. I am certain that there are millions upon millions of people in the world who are happily in love, on their second marriage,growing old together. My cousin is marrying for the first time now that her son is an adult. She's happy. I know of someone who got married for a third time and is now having a baby and she is very happy. Everyone has ups and downs. But I find that my experiences are over the top! It could have been worse though. I could have fallen in love with him and believed in him and supported his financial goals. I could have unwittingly been involved in one of his schemes. I shudder at the very thought of it. I think that I should be grateful for what I do not have and extremely grateful for what I do have.

in the news

The story broke today and he was even stripped of his Doctorate, if he ever had one. He isn't even being called Mr.Towers. I did not sleep well, I had the flu and I was also thinking about him. I wondered what will become of him? He will still be a relatively young man when he leaves jail. But the time taken and ill gotten gains taken from him will wash with the things that may have been genuine hard work. My next step now is to retrieve my property. But that is a story for another time. I am still shocked by this chapter of his book. I never saw this coming.

I was talking to a young man of twenty-four that I know, and he was telling me of the girl he loved that "got away." I have found that men always seem to have one. In this instance, he painted her as this bright, ambitious person, and he said that she did her best to try to help him to straighten up his life, but eventually she had to leave him and focus on herself. I let him know that if she appeared before him now and decided to take him back, they would still not work out, because she would still have the same needs and he would still be in the same position, not wanting to change. ......... I found that what I told him resonated with me, and low and behold, my sister sent me a What's App message about someone from her past contacting her. It turned out to be the guy she had travelled last year to see, the same one who she was so in love with for years, whom she supported in so many ways. He let her down when she came home by just not being around and not preparing in any way for her to visit him. She put up with it, and then when she came home again, the second time he didn't even see her at all, after telling her that he was going to do better. My sister was blown away by the gravity of disregard he showed her. She did her best to brush it off, and fortunately she had lots of things to do, but the disappointment stung and hurt like hell. Things that my sister should go for, that perfectly mirror her when you meet her, like a great conversationalist, a steady, career driven, clean cut and handsome guy, he was none of that. he is a short,high school dropout,hustler. She liked him because at the time he seemed attentive, genuine and in awe of her. He saw her bullshit and she loved that. ........... So, imagine, after not contacting her at all, splashing her pictures all over his gram and when she arrives, removing them and putting his new girlfriend on it instead and saying she's actually the love of his life.... he contacts her months later. He has very little charge on his phone he writes, and his apology is weak and pointless. .......... Something the young man said to me made me think of what my sister went through. he said that he wished he could run away or go back in time. The flight and flight reflex of some men is a head shaker.Not fight and flight. Maybe because women get pregnant and cannot abandon their responsibilities so easily as a whole makes us less likely to run when things seem difficult. I am sure in both instances, the 24 year old and the 41 year old...the ages of both men...they oddly do not see themselves as being responsible for their actions. The younger man in particular. He sounded as though he was drugged into making the choices he made. He couldn't even admit that he just didn't want to be told what to do to his improvement. He just saw it as nagging and asking way too much of him. Lol. Does it even make sense to try to understand such thinking and actions of some men? The Towers engaged me for years. I had to cut off any interest in him when he could not be straight with me about some simple things, and my instincts kicked in and I refused to allow him to waste my time for another second romantically. What concerns me about these stories is that I ask why does it have to be so hard for women? Or even men? I hear so many people just asking for communication, respect and love. How damn hard is that?

||||||||

I have never actually known anyone who has gone to jail. Tonight when I think about The Towers I still cannot believe what has happened. I was on his sites on Facebook, looking at all the lack of activity there now. My mind goes back to the last few encounters with him. I feel sad about this. Tonight he is possibly behind bars, and has been behind bars since last year. No one has known what has been going on with him, or at least those who know do not know me. Quite a few people were looking to me to provide answers. I ask myself can his reputation be salvaged? He is not going to be in jail forever!This is such a major shock, I am writing in a way to curtail the aftershocks of this news that I got only yesterday. He has lost his rights. He cannot go out in one of his several cars. He can't choose a bedroom in one of his houses.He is now reduced to one item of clothing for a specific period of time in a place that he undoubtedly never prepared himself for. I think that I should write to him when I know where he is and perhaps even send him a care package. I cannot imagine what he may be going through. I remember being so impressed with his accomplishments at his age. I felt that he had the where with all to simply work hard and miraculously land on his feet. I never got the impression that he was not respected and admired,probably even envied. He drove me crazy, cunfuffled me about certain aspects of his emotional life and business, and so I distanced myself from him. But I really tried to remain friends and then, colleagues.I concluded that we were just very different, and the red flags that I spotted were for me to spot. Now, I ask myself, what was all of his actions about? I still do not know the full story and I don't know if I ever will. Will I really write to him and would he actually reply? It is early days yet. Who was he? So many things checked out? I met his family. We talked for years!I never profess to know anyone, and thank goodness for that. But still! OMG! Who the hell was he? For me, the things he did to make me pull away all came from my instinct. I even remember telling him very early when I had the first inkling that we were not going to work out, that thee is an undercurrent with people. For now I would call it a resonance. You have patterns that just happen because you agree that you want to spend time with the other person. You notice all of the subtle and not so subtle things. You know they will call. You know when they will. You know their schedule. You pick up on their moods. These things are present without having to speak about it. You just have a flow. He established that and then got weird with me. I found that he began to try to control me and I instantly recoiled from any attempt by him to do it. He really made me conscious of how much I refuse to go through anything like that in my life again. He also left me pondering about his very presence in my life. I must have written about it here many times. On paper, he represented everything that I would desire in a romantic partner. But somehow, after all was said and done, we were not compatible. I found that for important questions about his love life he was cagey and bizaare, making me assume that he was bisexual...I never thought married. That never occurred to me. there was no suggestion even remotely that he did not live alone. It's also odd....my ex and Frequent Flyer prepared me for The Towers. I thought that he seemed to be making himself such a friend to me that after three years, when we finally met again, I thought that he was a single man and that all of his attempts to get to have a relationship with me, maybe, he was someone to start one with. I was dissuaded of that very quickly. I can even say that he prepared me for juliemangoman....because I said to myself, I took a very long time to go out with The Towers. I saw that all of my old beliefs about the kind of man I was interested in proved to not actually be what I thought I wanted. Now, I am just bewildered by every move I have ever made! He has been told that he has to make restitution for his fraud.Who knows what went wrong in this promising and actually high achieving man's life to make him this person I read about yesterday? end of part 1 of 2

and then the worm turns

Where to even start tonight?Last night I had the flu and I also had some work to get to. Just as I picked up the fist thing, I noticed that someone was frantically writing to me on Facebook. At first I was a bit annoyed, as I was sneezing and anxious to get the work done. But I was curious because it was clear that it was serious. Nothing could have prepared me for what came next. I may have written awhile back about The Towers Missing In Action and that at first I didn't take it seriously, but that the person who contacted me was writing to me in a way that peaked my curiosity and made me conclude that something definitely was amiss with him. That was in May 2017. She sent me an article from a newspaper that covers locals living abroad, and it was dated two days before my birthday, this year and the explosive headline spoke about a fellow citizen busted for fraud on the scale of United States dollars three million. My heart started to race as I saw his name and read more of the short write up on his mis-dealings. He has defrauded twenty-four banks and he is scheduled to be sentenced for his crime that he admitted he did! The details are shocking! But then I was in for a further shock when the girl mentioned that he has a wife! A wife! I asked him constantly about his personal life, his romantic life! He never let on to me and I never saw any indication that he was married! As I write this, I am still stunned by this turn of events. At the very most, I thought that he may have met with foul play. I never imagined that he was the fowl! My family are shocked! I am writing this here, but clearly, I shall be bringing this up again and again in the future, particularly when I know more.

more on work

So now my week is really packed. I have to be more strategic than ever. But I believe that this has happened so that I pay attention every day to my incremental steps toward all that I want to accomplish. Even today,it is my one day off, but I did a few things for work that I just had to get to. I am not finished, but at least I got a head start. I am also making some decisions on the way that I am going to eat. This week I got sick on Thursday because I am not having breakfast and almost nothing for lunch. When I get home its a cup of coffee and maybe something small because I am tired. That couldn't go no, and it started with sneezing and escalated to feeling dizzy and feverish. I am already run down. Next week I have to really make an effort to make myself some soups and salads. I am determined to do the two projects that I set out to do and I have three personal ones along with that to also accomplish. My plate is very, very full indeed. But I like the planning, the setting goals, the opportunity to see things flourish from a germ of an idea to an outright activity and met goal. So I am syched by it all.

I got a call yesterday from my superior. They are in a serious jam and needed "someone' to help them. I decided to step forward and assist in any way that I can. Our contracts have not come in as yet, and the person said that they would have to make whatever adjustments to my salary. I don't know whether that means that the promotion that I was promised is now being held up, or whether this new emergency request made of me is one where it would be added. I should know soon. It is a bit vexing to be nail biting about this matter. Last week I let the cat out of the bag about my status in the most unexpected way. I let slip that I assisted with a project and two of my colleagues looked at each other and one replied with surprise. Just as I said it, I realized that I was in trouble. It is so funny. I want to stave off ass kissing and back biting as much as I can. But really, I do not have any control over the way people who are reasonable and polite with me today will behave tomorrow? What I am doing though is getting out my suggestions for projects that i have discussed over the last few years anyway. If they come forward and choose to be part of them, is up to them. I shall find ways to get them done. What all of this means is that I have given myself some challenges. My plate is overflowing. But I am determined to see that at least one or two things happen before the year is over...promotion or not.

There are moments in my life that I spent by myself and experience great satisfaction from observing my world and being alone with my thoughts. Today on the bus into the city, I found that I was getting into the usual what if I had done this or said that, and I told myself that that is all well and good. But whatever relationship I have in the future, there are some things that I have learned from the last one. One of them is to be mindful that whatever is happening is a result of choices on both parts. Sure I can think that this was thought and believed. But I will always be speculating. It may be normal to do it, but what I am doing when I do that is unknowingly giving the other person credit for what is coming from me. What I am probably stating badly is that I find that I get into a blame spiral. I think somehow that I was not good enough. I feel that way particularly when I have no answer to what happened. Now, I'd say that my responsibility is to keeping myself interesting and interested in my wellbeing. Certainly when something I have liked comes to an end, I reflect and can be emotional about it. Some things can hit you harder than others, death is a big one. There is no ignoring that. Here's the thing. It is imperative to know that I am good enough for myself. When I am confidant there is no better feeling in the world. The level of clarity that comes to me is sublime. I asked myself what was I meant to learn this time around? I already know that I went counter to ALL of my tight assed list of requirements. I went out of my comfort zone. I took a huge risk. I surrendered. I considered actually having a 'real' relationship with someone extremely different. I saw that I could be very open and non-regimental. I didn't need to know a whole lot of facts or interests. I went with the flow. There was an interesting dichotomy too. On the one hand I felt complete trust, joy and confidence. I also felt insecure about myself at certain times, even shy. New territory was facing me and I was willing to tread the waters. My business ideas and projects suddenly felt very realistic to do and complete because I felt that here was someone who would work with me...work on there own things and be supportive of me. It was just a feel good thing that I had going on and I am grateful for it. I didn't like the lack of contact though. I don't need to speak every day or every other day. but I do need to know how your doing at some point. That was wack, and now I gather why it was like that. I also experienced today some people I know talking about financial issues. The kind of moneys some people spend on certain things boggle the mind, and they do it. It validated for me the need to continue to do what I am doing. I will get thee is the end...hopefully sooner.

Oh, hello

One of the good things that I rely on myself for,is that I can be very focused. I am not easily distracted. If I am, it is because I want to do many things, and finally, I have been able to organize myself better where that is concerned. I have come to understand that in order to do it all, I have to treat myself like I would a student. Lol. I have to break things down into modules and increments and compartmentalize things where I really give everything I want to do some time...small bits of time...but consistent time. The way I used to behave when I had to read something complex for an assignment. It doesn't mean that things are not difficult, or a long process of try and try again. I still feel all of the anxiety and worry, sadness and hope and anything else that comes to visit me and keep me mired in doubt. Its just that I am familiar with everything I feel now. I know what it does and I know how it prevents me from achieving what I set out to do. Now, I can say, Oh, hello. I see you. Sit down a minute, I may even let you drone on for a spell. But guess what? I shall also be working while you talk. Ha! Take that! I think that I learned that from talking to my friend who makes demands on me sometimes....she and my neighbor who call and go on and on about their lives. When they do that, it is inevitable that it becomes my problem too. By listening and giving support, I take on the problem. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I empathize, But sometimes, its way too much and I have begun to put a stop to that. I cannot give all of my energy. I need it for myself.

sponge

When I got up this morning I stayed in bed a few minutes longer to just think about my day. I do that every so often. Today I started a bit down. The day before one or two things just felt so heavy for me. From the usual feeling that my weekend is spent alone, to getting email from a colleague who wants me to do some project for free. It was just enough to make me want to cry and scream at the same time. But as I have been writing, when I get like this, I no longer wallow in the emotion. I instead see it, feel it and assess what it can actually do to propel me out of its depths. However, some residue lingered. So I was in bed and I said to myself that with all of the things that yet again tell me that I should just take a walk to the cemetery and wait....as my mom says when she hears someone being hopeless....I can assess my circumstances and see what I should do next. It was interesting the way that my plans presented themselves to me. If I could film it, my perminant list of projects and goals popped into my head and spun around in their little spaces....lol. I saw how much I have wanted to get many of my plans off the ground and all the stalls and stumbles I have made over the years. I saw how much support and money seemed to completely derail anything I desired to do. Then to add to everything, I saw the way money just challenged my very ability to survive. The compromises to my very health because I was in court for years. Why get out of bed? I saw how even the one or two chances for love in my life mocked me too. It was so easy to fall back into the den of hopelessness. So very easy.Everything was so palpable that of course, they were all old friends. This was how it is. How to transcend these experiences? What to do? I have been here over and over and over again! I waited. Slowly, painfully slowly, my mind turned over. Look differently, I heard myself think. It is because you are at rock bottom again that you can see the horizon....and I nearly cried. I am not down for the count. I am still breathing. There is HOPE. There is HOPE.

Last night I was speaking with the Spartan. His views on women he has met in my country are disparaging. So much so that I have asked him to tone down or stop telling me about it altogether. meanwhile, I also had to tell him to stop talking about my physical attributes. This is typical of a certain kind of man who has been through a rough time. But equally, as a woman, I would say that I too have found dating post divorce to be extremely weird to say the least and mostly disappointing. I have concluded that at my age, I am going to meet damaged, challenged men walking right off the battlefield, all bloodied and PTSD(ed). Lol. I notice that the women I speak to complain about the same thing that men I know complain about. But somehow, they are not meeting each other. With all of the online dating sites out there, this is a surprise. I know many wonderful, beautiful women. I also know some very nice, kind and loving men. So what gives? Yet, the Spartan's words grate against my nerves. Somehow when he delivers some of his comments, I observe that he cannot gain my regard as juliemangoman had absolutely no problem with doing. It is amazing! I have come across this before. The Towers said something to me that made me storm out of his million dollar apartment that Frequent Flyer would say completely differently and get me wrapped up emotionally. It is so funny the way delivery, meaning, elegance, chemistry all play into how one person succeeds and another does not. However, I am writing about The Spartan from the perspective of his victimhood on the one hand and his arrogance on the other. He admits that when he was a younger man he was wild. But now that he has met a younger woman by at least twenty years, he wants to bad talk her in the worst way, saying she mislead him. I am getting the story in dribbles, but it is coming out. He was in such a lather about what she did to him. But when I tried to ask him about his part in the whole thing, he is less inclined to consider his responsibility to himself. We are all looking for love, for companionship. We all want someone to understand us, talk with, share things about ourselves, our day to day issues. Someone to have a laugh with. To empathize when we are crying, hurt or angry. Companionship is a powerful thing. I know that when juliemangoman touched me, I realized I was in serious trouble because I had not been embraced for real in so long that the very nature of being held by a man, far less one smelling as he was and how tall he was, I was lost in his arms and I wanted to hold on. The idea that I was reacting that way, could come across as desperate sad to say. I was instantly aware of it and scared to death that I could be "one of THOSE women..it is natural to feel and to react,but in our world right now, its seen as too much from a woman, so despite what you want to do. the truth is that a woman still should play games with men. There is no equality there. I wish I could say otherwise. But it seems that it is still hinged in game playing. I resist, you pursue. But the funny thing is that when most women resist when they are older, it is because they really are not interested in the man at all. It is a fine balance. I see nothing wrong with showing your feelings and putting your truth out in the open. Answer questions, say what you want...be confident. Do not play on a man's playing field, play on your own is a saying I have. I adhere to it still. But I would say that despite my confidence, this last time, I was met with more than I could intellectualize. Damn! I was a blubbering mess! Lol and damn!!Sometimes it is just how it is. Its kinda great to know that with all you feel you know, there is always something that turns what you know on its ear.

I have gone through a few things yesterday that I want to sort out here.I know that I have had to adjust my behavior suddenly. I have decided to not fight my feelings or tamp them down. So far I find that it has worked well. What I started with yesterday, was a resolute sense of things. But it was much more. I was actually able to see my moods in a detached way. Gone was some of the angst and the type of thoughts that would hold me captive in a way that would be like an undercurrent of emotion that followed me around like background noise. Then I was online and he was also and I posted something to poke at him and he read it. What became clear to me was that despite how much I am moving on and more stoic, I was suddenly faced with a rush of emotions that I cannot keep from escaping like water from a dam. I have to just let everything happen, and that is a challenge to me. All of my experience with juliemangoman has been to me, about losing my tight grip on logic and control. It is a truly vulnerable thing for me to experience, and also an amazing feeling...because with it has come so much learning that I have appreciated. That is partly why I find difficulty with carving him up and being nasty about his character. I genuinely felt at my core a calmness amidst all of the tumult of emotion swirling around me. It was as though I experienced him on a chemical level, which is most likely the case. So, I was resolute about what I feel and the fact that I cannot sit and mope.But also,there is an awareness that every experience is not the same. I may be dealing with every stereotype in our characters, but equally, at every moment one has the opportunity to see ones actions from an adjusted perspective and thus, survive the slings and arrows if you are stealthy enough. Who is to say who is right and who is wrong? So much time is spent naming and shaming. What about feeling and being? It isn't easy, not by a long shot to shift perspective, but it is very do-able. I come to my space today because the minute I decided to be naughty, and my thoughts were all in place, my old feelings were also still very much there. That is only to be expected, but still, I was conflicted. I tested myself. If we were to speak now, what would I do and how would I feel? It is there that I saw my biggest growth at least in theory. I have repeatedly said that we need to talk, and then become tongue tied and completely forgetful of my intentions. But now, if that were to happen,that is what I would want to do.

How I survived

By remembering what I love to do anyway. Remembering that this is but a moment and the show isn't over By respecting that I have many wonderful and helpful memories By still being excited about my future By being grateful By helping others with their issues By being able to enjoy simple things By letting go

the ironies of life

I have met someone who has been contacting me every day, sometimes two and three times. I appreciate the interest, but I have made it very clear that I am not interested in them romantically. I shall call him the Spartan. I feel odd about the whole thing, but I can tell that this person is in for the long haul. Part of me is a bit angry about it. I want to complain that I don't need someone coming around me trying to be friendly and friends, when I know that they are not going to wear me down for romance. I am not attracted to him, even remotely. I do appreciate his mind, his professional experience at his work and he is a very nice person. No doubt about it. But to me, I cannot fake chemistry. I didn't feel it with The Towers and tried to intellectualize a possible relationship to disasterous effect....But,at the time I did think that he met all of my intellectual ideas of the right person for me. So if the Spartan thinks that he can stick around and I will eventually give in he is going to be damn disappointed. But then I am punched in the gut by the fact that it was the one thing that juliemangoman did not do, and now this person is more than doing it. It is as though you can't find one person to make you happy! It is mind blowing to be faced with so much fragmentation. I feel as though I should not dear wish for anything ever again, if the fates choose to have a good laugh at my expense.Which they seem to be falling over on the floor crying with mirth about my downfalls. You want to meet someone to love for life. Fate decides that that sentence is flawed, so it gives you a rougeish looking drug addict wearing a tee shirt with the word LIFE on it for example. You want to meet the love of your life. He's looking at you with deep intense passion while holding the hand of his pregnant wife. Shit like that! As a child I always imagined that there are superior beings watching us individually and collectively like reality tv. Every being on their planet watches us as a sort of entertainment and betting factor. We really have no ultimate say. But, whether this is true or not, venture one must. I see way too many happy, content couples to believe that it isn't possible to find the person right for you. There is still hope.

I know nothing

The older I get the only guarantee I have is that I know nothing. However, I also have to write tonight that more and more I am getting with the understanding that everything that happens, everything that one can name and point at as a behavior or an issue in your life...when you listen to others with their challenges, I find that everything evens out to just life happening. You could be troubled. You could be content. Who is to say that anything is working? Who is to say that a negative thing isn't for the very best for you? It is all about perspective and the ability to rally in the face of both success and failure. Sure you can beat yourself bloody about what went wrong and how short sighted, misguided you were. That is a natural reaction. It is about what you can manage ultimately in your life. I really believe that you get what you can envision. Also, I think that everything we see in the media and hear from friends and family are only guides. Your life is yours and it is ultimately up to you to make the conclusions for yourself in this life.

green eyes

The most unusual thing is happening. I am expecting a promotion at work, but it requires some patience. While I wait, I have been noticing that my co-workers are sending me some snide remarks doing some fishing about me. The moment things shift in the workplace, everyone closes ranks and literally sees how they can manoeuvre themselves for advantage. Now, before it is even announced, people are trying to kiss my ass and its weird! I feel embarrassed by the obvious pandering and I am doing everything I can to deflect from little things that show that I am one wrung up from them. These are people who yesterday were basically vanilla with me,now pouring chocolate all over me. Lol. What I have to do is to look at what's next on the totem pole because those at the top don't trust each other either and are always snipping about what their colleagues aren't doing. So I shall study the role anyway.At the end of the day it really does not matter who or what the characters are all about...what matters is doing work well and efficiently. That's what counts in the end...and enjoying your job.

ready...set...go

It feels like September already. I am projecting into the future. There is so much to be done. I am determined to accomplish at least one of my projects before years end. I also have to travel. My sister and I have made arrangements for my daughter and I and things are on stream there. Some things are happening, I am pleased to write.It makes me very hopeful, and encourages me to push and to work even harder on the things that I want to take into consideration is the vending that I did quite a lot of research on. I have a strong hunch on that that I should pursue it. The logic to think about my plans every day really works. They do not seem as formidable as they usually do. They now seem not only do-able, but actually vetted. I just want to get on with things.

feeling some kinda way

As our local slang goes. Of course I am feeling some kinda way. But it isn't mind numbingly, heart and soul crushingly bad. Lol. However, it is a hovering sadness. How can I be mad? I state it again. When I saw the images of his little family. How could I even begin to object! They are getting a second chance. I am so happy for them. I was lucky for the time given to me. I experienced something amazing too. His son looked over the moon with joy. The scene looked hard won. I am sad, but guess what, I can't be mad about it. I can't.

that's the way it goes, it goes, it goes...

I was in a rush to get here tonight because of some news I came across that I was not expecting. I found out that juliemangoman has reconciled with the mother of his child. When he and I last spoke he brought up their estrangement and seemed a bit irritated by even discussing her. But now, I see that they are definatly back together. I could be mad about it, but I am not. I have to say that it is a testimony to how we have been with each other. For a moment though, I felt that tug of deja vu. I find this out and he didn't just tell me himself! That's disappointing. So here I am again. Yet, not. Perhaps I was right about the yellow inside too? Lol. I learned a great deal with this person. Learning comes no matter what. All of this by the way sounded way better in my head. I always wondered how in the world we were going to work out? That was my initial thought. Then over time, I had other concerns...mainly the issue with the way we communicated, or didn't as the case may be. I just have to walk away. I am happy for his family. I would not have liked to be an issue anyway, and I have to assume now that at a certain age and stage in ones life, it is inevitable that I will continue to meet men whose lives are not uncomplicated. I can be magnanimous because I think that if I were struggling with my ex and he was in a position where we could be on better terms, I would be torn by the chance. I am not likely to ever be in that situation, so I don't consider it for myself. Nevertheless I relate. I go over how much he impacted me. He did, big time. I have male friends who have told me about great loves of their lives whom they did not end up with. I have even seen it up close by being considered that person. Now, I have to say that juliemangoman may be my kryptonite. I really was into him, and it was so simple, who knew that I had those needs? He was attentive, sensitive, gentle, masculine in a very domineering way that I liked a great deal. We laughed easily and talked easily about many things. He was practical and had street smarts. He didn't crowd me, contacting me all of the time in an overly needy manner. The chemistry between us was bananas!!! I felt that we had some sort of telepathy going on. (ha,ha,ha) The time we had made me actually consider him in ways that I never bother to consider a man around me. I don't go off contemplating the kinds of experiences I want to have, but he made me do that because one of our first long conversations was about traveling somewhere, and we just blurted out that we would go together. I loved his spontineity and his sensual, elegant manner. He said erotic things to me and loved being naughty and nice. What was there not to enjoy there? I appreciate what we had. I really felt that he matched me well, and I was looking forward to more. Alas, it seems not to be. ................ One important take away here is that this experience opened me for real love in my life, and by that I mean the kind that will truly be right for me.I can only say thank you. I am grateful for what I was able to see because I took the time to see.

confidence

My sister left yesterday to go back home. When we set out together to travel, little did I know how fast the time would go, and how much I would miss having her so close to me. I have found and she has found that we are a formidable team together. I marvel at her strength, her beauty and resilience. Talking with her late into the morning about everything and nothing was wonderful. I saw how lucky we are, in the way that we were brought up, and all that we have learned separately. I feel nothing but confidence going forward, and I also know that what challenges may come, we are both on spot to work together.

My sister and I were discussing the BdSm culture and she was equating it to slavery. I know almost nothing about the lifestyle and my sister knows a bit more than I do. But the topic was interesting. We were wondering whether such a culture could have been given some roots in that atrocity? I instantly thought about the 60's movie with Charlotte Rampling on the Holocaust. There were undertones of such a lifestyle in the camps. It was a torturous, vile little film as I remember, but it stayed with me. The movie was actually in the 1970's and called The Night Porter, obviously controversial because it eroticized the nazi experience. It was awful, but it was also unforgettable as I stated before. A real ballsy film at any time.

* j* u*l *i *e *

Ok, so a year ago I was walking to get a taxi. I was wearing a dress that my mother found was old and needing retirement. But, it was a comfortable asymmetrical Indian cotton dress that had unusual pastel shades that still worked so well in my mind. I bumped into the man I would for a short time call 'julie mango.'I decided not to continue calling him that. Not because it doesn't suit him, but because the inside of such a fruit is yellow and the symbolism for the color isn't always positive, so I thought better of it. A year on, this julie mangomnan is still able to capture my attention. He was here for a wedding and he shall be back in two weeks. I am only writing here as a sort of placeholder. I don't really know what to say. I am a bit speechless. But I will say this, the symbolism for yellow with the title of julie mangoman is as follows-: sunshine,hope, happiness. The negative associations with yellow are actually not in the interior of the real julie mango. You peel back the green, red and yellow orange skin of the mango and inside that yellow colour is rich and bright. Glistening and soft, yet firm. So my trepidation with naming him so swiftly and then doubting has not juice...literally. Years ago, I did some images of someone eating a julie. I still have it. One was of the juice running down ones arm, and they were sucking the juice with the bulk of the mango in their hand. It is actually a quaint image that I want to do as a dinner plate drawing. It is really beautiful. I think about that and I smile fondly. I smile fondly thinking about the juliemangoman. Yes, I think that the two words work well together. A year on and what do I know? I am still working with my instinct and my vibe and I am still terrified to feel what I am feeling. It has taken a lot for me to get here. I have fought with my feelings for so long. I wore myself down. I got so exhausted arguing for and against my feelings in my mind, that I just held out a white handkerchief in my consciousness. It was really bad. I had to make a leap of faith in myself.

So much to say, so much

It's been a rollercoaster ride of bad services. From a beauty business to the bank for my sister. Meanwhile I just found out that a dear old friend of mine just moved back home. I was so shocked. She did say that she was considering it, but when I think about what my sister is experiencing, I cannot imagine my friend being able to stand it for more than a few weeks! I actually sat for awhile trying to decide how to start this entry when I wanted to be writing for weeks now, but so much has been happening. We had a month of stresses with the Internet. That was annoying in itself. Only yesterday finally someone was able to fix it. however, they had to do it in a roundabout way. I live here, and I know that service sucks. but to have been in new York for three weeks and then return home and see things from having recently travelled is glaring. The things that one puts up with are substantially bad. From people not looking you in the eyes when talking to you. Not knowing anything on their job. Not being helpful. being downright rude. Not caring if you buy something or not. Asking you whether your 'getting true?" when your the only one in the store looking around for your item for ten minutes. They are on their phone, or talking to someone they are working with, and ignoring you the customer. It's awful! I do not bother to ask for any help. I look for an item and I get my money out and get straight to the casher and leave. I spend very little time buying things from department stores, and my sister buys nothing apart from groceries, and sometimes she goes to the grocery, but she now buys almost everything online. I was surprised at how much she does this, but this could serve me so well here. My sister being here has put a spotlight on all that still needs to be done.

L O V E

My nieces are here, and I have been working with the younger one who has been diagnosed with Autism. Instinctively, I have been working with her, and discovering that many of the things I do, are done by professionals trained to deal with children like herself! Waw! Ok. But, the thing is, tonight, I find that what I am teaching her, also has rubbed off a little bit on me. Tonight, I have been doing some work for my mother, and talking to my niece in between, and something remarkable for me happened... I began to focus away from my usual litany of thoughts of why this didn't work out or that seems to be the worst thing...to just allowing a flow...allowing thoughts of what I do want to feel without the analysis. That is a big deal to me. I think it happened because of the fact that my mind was working at two different things almost at once, so the usual banter could not dominate.! Whatever it was, I am damn grateful. Lol.

My neice and I did the High Line Walk today. I have to state that it impacted me completely. It was an absolutely edifying experience for me. I felt the value of Architectural Design and Environmental Design in all of its glory. Every step advanced the feeling of wellbeing, something that I really needed to feel. I can safely say that so far that has been the best part of my trip. I have been having a reasonable time, but I have had moments that clearly remind me that I can go anywhere I want, but the things that challenge me, continue to do so, and I never run away from them, but they can be inconvenient. Today was different. I found that I was actually able to move past those things and really appreciate that time is short, my insecurities are not there to slow me down and I can focus on better and better and better still. What I felt was a relief. I get so tired of feeling down, and it takes some doing to get out of the feeling. However, today was the salve I needed.

gather no moss

This week Fashion Designer Kate Spade and Chef, Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. It was shocking. These two powerhouses in their field obviously seemed to be at the top of their game. One wonders when things like this happens, the belief is that everyone thrives for a fraction of the amazing success of such people. So when those who appear to do so well fall apart, it is mind-boggling. But the reality is that feeling low has nothing to do with money or success. This year I have had my moments when I have felt hopeless. Nothing outwardly proved what was going on inside my mind. For me the only way to combat it,is to know that I can focus my attention away from what pains me. It doesn't always work. From somewhere deep inside , if you push and poke, if you can, you can eventually sense that it is but a moment. the next moment doesn't have to be equally bad, or the next and next...but it takes will and faith and hope that somewhere along the way, better will come. Sometimes the better is tiny. It is incremental. It may even not be what you want. But you hold on to that ray of hope like its oxygen your breathing into your lungs. When suicides like those very famous ones happen,I wonder about the lives. Anthony Bourdain would have heard about Kate Spade. When people are at their lowest, who knows what people are dealing with? It also reminds you to be grateful. There you may be, thinking the worst yourself, but somehow, you don't feel the way those who make the choices do. Today on the train there was an agitated man who was cursing about his relationship gone wrong. It was a reminder to how much we believe the things we experience so completely. It is so easy to get very caught up in your feelings. You want something to be a certain way, but you don't always get what you want...you get what you need 'The Rolling Stones."

the cloud

I am on vacation and it feels so weird to not be running around this time. Being here gives me a little perspective. Having the opportunity to step away from the things that concern me, I now remember that although I may want some things to go a certain way,that I may be so fortunate to not have my life tangled up in directions that do not serve me. I have always felt that way, but in the last year I did not feel that way at all. I wanted to push and manipulate something to my will, and not for anything would my efforts pay off. This led me to feel great doubt and to soul search. I wondered privately what was I not doing? Or what was it that I did that was wrong? However, ultimately, my experiences tell me that when things do not work out as I would like, I can look at what IS actually going on that I am controlling in my life now. So, for example, I may feel that I am not having certain financial improvements. I may think that it is preventing me from starting a venture that I hoped to focus on to be able to make decisions to shift from one place to another. But something inexplicable curtails the plan. It may mean that I should push harder? But sometimes it means that I have to re-evaluate my plans. I will never forget the story the Architect Zaha Hadid told about her early work. She won a prestigious contest and expected that it would lead to her first building being built. But then it didn't happen for years. She was devastated. Then she decided to re-structure her company. That decision led to a much better approach when the real jobs she wanted came her way. I have never forgotten about that. It is also clear to me that sometimes you can't see any good in the stall, or in what seems like a perminantly bad situation. I would write that you just have to evaluate how to make the best out of what you are faced with, and that's that.

vibrations raise

One other thing...I felt something else too. it could be best termed as a raising of my vibration. With more confident thought and more work on removing that which no longer served me, I found that there was a vast and immediate improvement. One good, strong feeling begot another and so on and so on. I shall continue to write about this as I work on myself.

thoughts to ponder

Something shifted for me tonight. I have been having moods. They have not been dramatic if I were observing me from a distance, but to me, they were tumultuous. It was the usual reason. I was feeling as though everything was passing me by. But over the last few hours, I have been confronting my feelings. I have decided for example, that I am going to do at least one thing a day that speaks to my confidence. I also am being more confrontational with my negative self talk. I now listen to myself go on and on and I observe what I feel, where I focus my thinking, how often...and can say that already I find that I can break up the illusion with better results. What used to happen is a dis-satisfying pattern of an attempt at positive re-enforcement that would seem to work, but then I would have crashes. This proved that all I was doing was creating a placebo effect. I think that the worst thing one can do is to think that they are doing better when all that is happening is a sort of brainwashing. You think that your getting somewhere, but your actually still very much stuck, and when you realize it, its even harder to get out of the malaise. What i did in this, the wee hours of Monday is place alongside my negative self talk another way to view my life. For example, this evening I brought up with my colleague who told me that I was being paid for all the work I out in to support a large scale project....that she wants to 'talk' to me about 'that." I know what to expect when someone says something like that. It usually means that they suddenly want to change what they told me to get me to work with them in the first place. My initial reaction was anger. I didn't show it. I felt it. My first thought about it was...why does this happen to me? Why do people think that I somehow don't need money? My next thought after that was... I think that I should just quit the fucking job, as it isn't really a job when there is such a hassle to be paid fairly. I let myself rant and then I dismissed everything I thought. Now this situation is not over yet. But already I am working on the outcome that I do want to experience. I replaced what I put into my mind with things that I prefer to focus on... the work that I do want to do. The things that I do want to accomplish...things like that instead. It doesn't mean that the situation will magically change. What it does mean though is that I (at least in this instant) will not go down the path of getting any more worked up about the matter than I can) After all, I am not faced with a way to change it at this time. What I can change is investing any more negative emotions behind it. In the past I found this the hardest thing to do. But last week I observed myself while in my 'mood.' I was lamenting the whole romantic relationship thing and noticed that my focus strayed to couples holding hands and the whole nine yards. Now that is a pleasant thing to observe. But I was looking at it with a kind of longing as though it was beyond my grasp, or that I had never had the experience...and I caught myself within the moment and saw the folly of my thinking. I was actually creating more lamentation...more of exactly what I did not desire. This bothered me, because I wondered how could I change the behavior? Surely this would be how I would always act? It was so subtle and seemed ingrained within me. But then, a tiny voice piped up, you change it because you will no longer tolerate the worst outcome. But not only that, the worst outcome is as much an illusion as the best outcome. Ha. Take that! With that, I felt miles and miles better than when I began.

Sometimes I am left wondering, and at other times I am so filled with a sense of peace and love that nothing can sway my equilibrium. There is a certain knowing that buoys me up and I feel filled with the best sense of wellbeing. Nothing particularly remarkable caused it, it just is. Perhaps it was going to Toco today. All of the greenery and the ocean took be out of myself and literally expanded my thinking. I am extremely grateful.

suddenly it is clear

For months and months I have been fighting my heart. Finally, I read a quote from Osho that set me straight. Don't allow the fear to overpower you. Allow LOVE to overpower you. Love comes from the CENTRE. Fear always comes from the periphery; don't allow this perifary to be dominant. That says so much to me. Waw!!!! I have been behaving as though I cannot trust my own good feelings. It is clear why I have been doing that. I have not actually thought about how certain feelings would impact me. I have been so caught up with feeling awkward and not wanting to do something wrong because I feel so happy, that I have been driving myself crazy instead. What Osho is telling me with that statement is that I shouldn't worry about what I feel. What I feel is to be felt and expressed, and I shouldn't hold it in because I may be rejected or embarrassed or whatever. To feel that way would mean that I expect that love is happening outside of myself and that I have expectations. Of course I have expectations. But I didn't think that I deserve my expectations...or perhaps I think that they can only end badly, so why venture? There are no guarantees, and no one should think that they can ultimately give me one. That shouldn't be what a relationship is about. Life goes on. I am love again, always have been. I am putting one foot in front of the other, and I am very much here and now.

some thoughts on emotions

Learning to live with contradictions is something that I have begun to accept more readily in my life. As I have been writing for several months, the impact of one encounter succeeded in me being so moved that it was practically all I could think about. I worried that I was completely overcome. The intensity of my feelings brought me great wonder but also great trepidation. Now, many months hence, I am a bit more settled. Time and distance succeeded in bringing me to this place that I write from tonight I must start by stating that all of the searching thoughts, the analysis, everything that I observed, taught me so much. The title of this entry is what I want to get at however. I saw the way I went from being closed off to being hopeful. I saw the way I discovered that I could not pretend any longer that I was ok with the day to day, and the things that brought such challenge to me. I wanted to be with this person. But I was also afraid to want to admit that I desired it. His actions gave me the opportunity to step away. But then, I could not dismiss him out of hand. I missed everything about the experience. But although I felt that I should venture out and go for what I wanted, I was in two minds about my approach. I fought with myself on every occasion. I grudgingly stepped up, and amazingly enough, I was more rewarded than not for the effort. But an effort it certainly was. A few days ago I stepped away from all of the questions and resistance and particularly my mind telling myself all sorts of stories both good and bad about how to proceed. I quieted everything down and decided to put it away. By doing so, I feel that I have met myself again. Of course, I cherish what I experienced. I felt so much that was so very lovely, hopeful, beautiful. I appreciated it. It continues to bring a smile to my face. I say thank you. No doubt about it. It tells me that I am ready for the right person, or another person who is right for me. While also knowing that I am right for myself.

haiku

when did we know a glance and everything was out in the open then when did we know I wanted to laugh it was so obvious that I said no. I made an excuse. I said I had no time for it. but my heart raced beyond my abilities to stand firm. it wasn't because I saw the end it was because I saw so much promise promises that I never saw in that way before and it could not be happening things like that, can they really happen? .... I understand now that because nothing is promised, anything is possible if we dare to make it so. I am at that place, and I am elated and terrified to be here. But I rather be here than not be here, because it is not often that such possibilities come up that can lead you to better than you could have imagined. In fact, I said this actually to him...the reality is greater than the imagination in this encounter. When I think of the things I have experienced, I am less terrified. My mind is built for creativity. Everything I can bring toward me is dependent on my capacity to accept it. The things that I desire are real, are done, are there to be done and surpassed. ... Imagine not venturing because of fear of failure. Now that is failure itself.

haiku

to have stillness breathing in and out your gentle mouth your piercing eyes and my wonder .... to be in the here and now to be nowhere at all to not ask or have to say .... the wind rustles the leaves of all of the trees he says to me he feels such peace and I smile as though I created it ..... my cheeks are moist my heart breaks with joy it is fleeting oh so fleeting we will not be here again

I don't know what to say

A few months ago I was forever changed by an encounter on the street with someone I did not know. What I did know though, was that from the moment I became aware of him, something shifted for me, and that, that shift was important. It is now many, many months later, and tonight, I feel his pain in a way. He has told me that he has lost his dad, and my mind reaches out to him, wishing that I could bring him some sort of comfort. I know that there are so many questions that I have not asked him. I do not know him. I have found that I am moving so very differently in every way here. I can see that I am living with contradiction, and trepidation, and wonder and I don't know what? I came to this entry to just be close with my thoughts tonight, because I can't imagine what he is going through, and I care about this person that I don't know, and I want to get to know him. I feel as though the roles I have played so comfortably in the past have been reversed. I feel like a nube. I feel as though everything I know is lost or gone. I stand naked before the world, amazingly not afraid, even though everything points to being completely vulnerable. He may be here in my life in the past. He may be here for another day, or years ahead. I don't know. This person has not given me the expected inclination of anything. It is all me wishing and wanting and believing based on puffs of smoke, and perhaps even mirrors. Yet, go I want to go, because I feel so alive being this unravelled. It is as though all of my order was keeping me back. Perhaps it was so.

Awash

So, I have only one person whom I have been expressing my feelings and thoughts to about this new person, and she's been very supportive. But she's also been very cautious, telling me that I may be too enthusiastic in my attitude. I hear her, but tonight, I think that when I cast my mind back to seven years in court and my ex-husband threatening me recently again with court...when I think about how much my best friend's death impacted me and all of the other things that have gone on in the last eight years, I think that a moment to get on like a lovesick fool is a beautiful, wonderful feeling that I should enjoy to the hilt. I think, getting up in the morning and spending a few seconds with erotic thoughts is a nice change of scene from getting up with deep anxiety about how I was going to pay a Lawyer, and my other bills, and all the other things that made me feel bewildered about my next step. I think that throughout my day when I cast my mind on what I have experienced and I feel a small smile on my face and a sense of peace although we are far apart...I consider that way better than focusing on the unfairness I feel at the power imbalances at work, or that my salary has barely covered anything of any consequence in the past. I believe that the offshoot of those good feeling that extend out to making my work day, and my association with others, and my challenges seem more acceptable to carry and to appreciate instead of obsess about what's gone wrong, is a far cry from where I was. Also, when I read back my diaries, and I come across happy times and fantastic speculations, I always wish that I had written more when I was inside that moment. This time, I don't need to be reminded. I am going to enjoy all of this! Whether we are in the same place or not. Whether this lasts a day, a year or for the rest of my life. I am not waiting to be happy. I am living and creating it right now.

what makes me most myself

One of the things that I really like about being here at this point in time is that it has provided me with a different focus. For one thing, I am here because I decided to follow my intuition instead of my logic as the dominant feeling. I now ask myself, suppose this person wants me to pursue him? SHIT! I see a beautiful give and take between us that I have never encountered before. I also like the living in the moment feel of things. I love the spontaneity. I like the mystery. I like also that I am not trying to control things by amassing facts. Lol.I think that at my core I know exactly what all of this is, and how to deal with it. But I don't really want to reveal it to myself until I am actually quiet and listening instead of speculating. So, back to the question...what makes me most myself now?.....I feel the desire to be completely open and honest. I feel poised to experience a real man in a way I have not before. This means being more demonstrative. It means really saying what I want to say and really getting to be playful, sensual, perhaps delving into aspects of my sexuality that I have not even thought I liked before? For example, this person has held my neck. This is something that I used to dislike. But somehow, when he did it, it brought a certain sense of a power shift between us. I liked it, and I love his neck very much as well. I feel that I will get so much answers from silence and revealing myself to him without the burdens of all the things usually done at the start of relationships. He said to me that he would like to be able to be himself. I relate to that. There is so much hiding at the beginning of most relationships. Instead I would just enjoy things feeling natural and flowing effortlessly. I believe that we can achieve that together. ............... As my friend, I desire being able to talk about anything and nothing, and we don't have to talk every day either. I have dialed back parts of my nature or abandoned things about myself because of the encounters I have had. I thought at one point that I was very Vanilla. That is why I write so much. Ha,ha.

musings are not always amusing

A few days ago I had an exchange with someone and I thought that we were in good standing. However, they chose to look at what transpired very differently from me. The good thing was that they told me about it tonight. What was interesting in our dialogue is something that I have experienced all week with women, specifically. Everyone has had selective hearing. I am speaking, but they are only listening to what they want to hear. Or, what they hear only relates to the level of the experience they want to have. At first I felt a bit offended and exasperated. But, feeling both emotions now make me pause and view beyond naming what I feel. By doing so, I become aware that something is happening for me to observe. What I conclude is this-: some people 'say' that they want something, but they do not really want to do what they need to do to make it happen. In the case of this person, they are in their own way. They blame everything but themselves for their predicament. It made me feel a bit sad actually, because I am certain that I can see this now because I behaved this way a great deal in my own life. I can see now that it comes form fear, it comes from not trusting a process. it comes from having no understanding of possibilities...I can go on and on. I am conscious of this very seriously now because of what I want to experience next in my own life. If I am going to have some of the things that I want for myself, I too shall have to think differently. I see it every day when I exercise and when I eat. I see how my body reacts to the food I consume and the way that I choose to push my body and I really learn so much about life from that. Another huge revelation that I am experiencing because the person I like lives in another country for a few months more...the distance helps me to see old patterns and observe alternative ways of acting. I am used to a man calling me. In fact, I usually expect that men who like me get very quickly addicted to contacting me often. I don't call them. They call me. I expect that that is the pattern of behavior. This time around, this person and I are not doing that, and I am beating up myself in facing that probably I should call him. I had started alright, but began to feel really odd about it, and decided that I would not do anything that made me feel weird or not like myself. My contradictory views are-: on the one hand, I am thinking that I should just chill until we meet again. But then there is the other side that says, ok, shouldn't both of you be at least communicating once a week with a call or something?!? I guess I should ask myself that question. I stated that I usually don't call men. Its not that I am not attracted or interested. They make the effort or make it their habit. But I don't make it mine, and with this person, I have stated before that I feel that I have met myself. So this is damn interesting. This conundrum has made me conclude something today. I am going to do what makes me feel most myself.

some thoughts about thoughts

There is a level of sensuality and delight that I am experiencing and I am aware that feelings like that do not last forever. However, I am beginning to suspect that the very act of such emotions have everything to do with a few well placed ways of seeing, and if my theory is correct, than it can go on and on as long as I narrow my focus. In the past I always believed that a complement or a good feeling coming from someone else, particularly in a romantic setting, was somehow like a trinket, a flower to press in a journal. Or a bit of ribbon to carry close to the heart. Indeed. But there is a part of the experience that I myself attract. Insecurity sometimes seems to be bigger than the good feelings that I exooth. I have made a habit of brooding, and now, I have a more balanced way of viewing my day and my life. So, I know that I send out particular vibes.Now, I know that treating myself with certain cares that I give to others, goes a long way toward a better quality of life, whether someone is in my life or not.

So many beautiful, stimulating thoughts cross my mind.For once, harboring negative feelings as the dominant ones are not the constant. How it happened still amazes me. It is accurate to write that like everything else in ones life, if you want to change, you have to work at it. I am now thinking more proactively about ways to reward efforts that I make, and I don't mean with things that are physical. I mean with things like, a checklist of accomplishments. Or by adding another level of ways to do even better. It may seem like something that everyone did in primary school. I am doing this now. Lol.

so emotional baby

I got some sage advice today before going off to the funeral of a dear relative and darling Auntie. She was not feeling well and everything just progressed quickly after that.Her death impacted me dramatically because of the way that she lived her life. She was fun loving, bubbly, confident and beautiful. Her twin brother, I don't know how he shall deal with this sudden loss.What her death has taught me is that there is really no time to waste. Do the things that you want to do and do them no matter what! This life is so short, so filled with uncertainty. I was thinking of taking a picture of myself and putting the words, living while terrified underneath it. What I mean is that, I have found that there have been things in my life that I have no idea how to handle them, but I put one foot in front of the other and I get what I need to get, done.I am usually criticizing myself.But today, that can wait.I am taking a moment to feel good about myself for a change. I have a brave streak, an adventurous streak. When I feel confident, look out. I am unstoppable. When I can see how to do something, it gets done!I have seen myself turn people around for the better more times than I can count. I inspire myself. I like that I can make light of things, turn the other cheek and really move on from something that seemed to make me feel stuck. I am always looking to do something better. I don't wallow for long. I am loving, warm, friendly. I put people at ease. I actually care about people. I like making others happy.I am a problem solver. I take no pleasure in the misfortunes of others. I want everyone to feel good about themselves. When I am faced with challenges, I don't blame other people. I get introspective about what i can do to be better, do better, or I understand that some things cannot be changed and I do my best not to sweat the small stuff. There is much more about me to like than to feel distressed about. Right now I believe that finally I am telling myself the things that I must, to be genuinely happy. Alot of it will come from acting instead of processing and weighing every step. I remember when I would ask myself what I needed, and I would face a blank page. I could not even conjure up the simple sentence...walking in the grass and looking up at the sky. I was so tightly coiled. I have faced losing people I love, I've faced having no money. I have faced many things, and I know people who make my issues seem self indulgent. I am more good than not, and I feel so fortunate right now. So happy.